Wednesday, September 23, 2009

GOODBYE BLOGGING...FOR AWHILE...A GOOD LONG WHILE

I am giving up this blog for a while. A long good while. I need to get out into the world and talk to people face to face. I need to get out and walk around, explore. I need to leave the safety and comfort of my computer and make love.

I've been at this for a long time now and I love it. But I need to strengthen my other writing skills. I need to immerse myself in cooking, reading for pleasure and continue learning the tango and drinking wine and entertaining friends and making love.

This Summer was beautiful. I feel in love and I loved the way I felt. I reconnected with a old friend and we made passionate explosive love. We fell out. I misunderstood him and he tried to learn who I am now. I loved the way I felt being in love. I need to get out and fall in love some more.

I am leaving this blog and Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio. I want to put more effort into LoveTalk, my blogtalk radio show. I want to put more energy into PChats my erotic writing blog. I am studying in The School of Spirituality and I love it and feel at home and at peace talking about the Divine with other seekers on the path to enlightenment.

I will be back to blogging. But right now I need to live what I blog. I have to become love and live love. I need to stop talking about love at this level and really get out from behind my computer and live love. I plan on revisiting my archives. I want to reread my blogging history and reconnect with what I wrote from the beginning.

I've got new ventures to launch and love to make. I'll be back.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

ON LOVETALK TODAY: AUTHOR LAURIE KINGSTON












NOT DONE YET
LIVING THROUGH BREAST CANCER
By Laurie Kingston

Today on my Blogtalk radio show LoveTALK my guest will be my Canadian Sister, Blogger & Author Laurie Kingston. We will be talking about her book, her blog and everything else under the sun.

Laurie Kingston blogs at Not Just About Cancer .

Join us for a lively discussion. If you can't join us live you can always come back and listen anytime.

Monday, September 21, 2009

THE LOVE STORY REALLY ENDS... AND A MANIFESTO IS BORN

I crafted a manifesto yesterday for the man I thought I was in love with. The idea was to express my feelings on what I would be committed to in joining our lives together. This has been a serious bone of contention between us, as he has felt I've not been serious about giving this question some thought.

We were locked into a heated argument about my reluctance to talk about our communication problems. It all came to the final end when he said to me: I DON'T SEE ANY REMORSE IN YOU FOR THE CRIME YOU COMMITTED. ARE YOU REMORSEFUL? I was STUNNED! Stunned that he would come in at the tail end of one of the most life changing events in my life and say some stupid shit like that. I have paid for my crime. I have served the time I was required to. I have been on my knees to GOD and have been forgiven. To sit and listen to someone expecting me to be stuck in that place of sadness, desperation and humiliation is not what I want to be doing. Nor is this someone I want to be with. To have someone who claims to love me, sitting in judgement as though I owe him some sort of explanation is bullshit. My life is right now. Not what I did almost 10 years ago. So needless to say I told him to go away. We are no longer friends. We are no longer anything at all to each other.

This Summer has been amazing. The lessons learned have be invaluable. I've gained back my sexual self confidence that I thought was lost to me. I gained a renewed sense of being a woman who loves deeply and heartily. I am hitting my stride.

I realize that I need a different kind of partner who puts the wind in my sails. Who greets me in the morning with a happy heart, a big smile and laughter. Who is not interested in making me feel less than the amazing and beautiful woman that I am.

Oh this man and I are over and a manifesto is born!

So here is my Manifesto. I think it is a wonderful addition to my now infamous Love List (100 things I want in a Lover/Soulmate/Partner) (Check archives under The Love List for all the posts). Someone will welcome and benefit from this manifesto...I absolutely know it!

JOINING OF OUR LIVES
MANIFESTO
September 20, 2009

I HEAR BY DECLARE TO MY BELOVED,
THE FOLLOWING DECLARATION OF PRINCIPLES AND INTENTIONS FOR THE ULTIMATE PURPOSES OF JOINING OUR LIVES TOGETHER:

I love you. I want you in my life as my true partner, protector, lover and very best friend.

As such I am willing and committed to:
1) Loving you with an open and full heart everyday;
2) Respecting your opinions on life and how to live in harmony;
3) Co-partnering in the raising of my children without fear and reservation;
4) Creating a safe and harmonious home where we are both safe and loved and cared for emotionally, spiritually and physically;
5) Seeking your council on matters that affect and or, effect our union;
6) Always consider your feelings and your personhood as I make decisions about work, family activities and further educational pursuits;
7) Discuss all matters of home and hearth with you before any decisions are made;
8) Making health and the commitment to better health a priority for myself and the children; (includes daily exercising, walking in the evenings, family time at parks)
9) Share my hopes, dreams and aspirations with you;
10) Always think the very best of you and your intentions in support of me and this family.
11) Respect for your religious beliefs and customs; celebrate when and where I can in regards to my faith.
12) Indulge you and your eccentricities, passions and quirks. (as long as they do not harm you and our family)

What I need from you:
1) A open and full heart and commitment to day-to-day love;
2) Respect of my opinions, thoughts and insights;
3) Willingness to co-partner in the raising and rearing of my children;
4) Support in creating a safe and harmonious home where I and my children feel safe, loved and cared for emotionally, spiritually and physically;
5) Seek my council on matters important to you and your life;
6) Always consider my feelings and my personhood as you make decisions about work, your children & family, further educational pursuits;
7) Discuss with me all matters you deem necessary and appropriate for our home as they arise;
8) Continued support in our pursuit of optimum health for me and the children;
9) Share your hopes and dreams and aspirations with me;
10) Always think the best of me and my intentions for you and this family;
11) Respect for my religious beliefs and customs; celebrate when and where you can in regards to your faith.
12) Indulge me and my eccentricities, passions and quirks (as long as they do not harm me or our family)


Saturday, September 19, 2009

THE RESTORATIVE POWER OF A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

Of late, I have been wrestling with confusion in my personal life. This is odd for me because I am always quite clear about what to do and where to go. Even when I am a bit befuddled I can think my way through or feel my way through a situation, crisis, problem. I am gifted with a highly intuitive nature.

My intuition has served me well. I am always feeling things about people, places and things. I trust in what I know and what I feel. I used to be believe it was a freakish duality. But I am realizing that it is not a duality at all. I am not at odds with myself. What I am at odds with is not listening to my instincts and not backing it up with what I think and what I know. GOD has always been the driving force in my life. It is that voice that guides and directs me. Listening to other folks whispering or shouting about what they want, think and need for my life is at best NOISE.

I know GOD has a divine plan for this life... my life. I know that GOD is my friend and I can talk with GOD anytime I want to. I have been doing more of that lately. I am on the right path. If I were not, trust me, GOD would certainly drop a burning bush in front of me. Believe me, I've had many burning bushes. I can however get in my own way and become stuck and stubborn in stepping forward. When I recognize that pattern or better still bad habit. I push myself into prayer and rest.

So last night I went to bed rather early about 10:30pm I was very tired and sleepy. I slept beautifully and thoroughly without interruption or restlessness. I woke up at 6:00am with this strong sense of knowing all shall be well and all shall be well. That what is meant for me will not get past me. I needed that deep sleep to restore and reset my commitment to living my life on my terms.

I woke up with a new commitment to pursue my dreams, love fully and to be open to God's grace. I have some goals I want to accomplish and I am feeling very powerful in finally working on being disciplined. Disciplined in a loving focused staying-true-to me kind of way. I am not troubled in my heart or head. The moments of confusion have past. I see clearly. I am not wearing someone Else's uncertainty. The world is a delightful bright place and I want more of that brightness and joy.

A good night's sleep is restorative and necessary. It is a gift we give ourselves in love and happiness. My charge will be to give the gift of rest to myself every night and wake refreshed with God's grace carrying me forward.

Friday, September 18, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: MAKE OR BREAK MODE

I am standing in that place of un-motivation and undisciplined. All I have to do to move forward is to change my mind. Yet I haven't changed my mind! I am standing in a space that I thought I have long since let go of. Old wounds are haunting me and I am feeling almost afraid. I have to believe that I am on the verge of jumping to the next level. The next level that will bring me to my heart's desires.

Once again I am in my way. I am in my way as an old habit. As a self preservation mechanism that used to serve me well. I have realized I am not being served well by my self protecting tools. You cannot get to higher ground if you are not willing to climb. In my heart of hearts I am willing to climb. What is needed is to change my mind and get on with climbing. I have to step up and out on faith and believe that I have all that I need to live the life of my dreams.

I have come far. I have survived a great deal. I have overcome things that were seemingly insurmountable. I know how to move forward. I don't think I am stuck as much as I am hesitant.

Asking the question: Who are you? and what do you want?

This is my make or break mode. I am whispering my mantra... In God's care all things are possible.

Monday, September 14, 2009

A NEW DIRECTION....AND ON THE SAME PATH

Tonight I start at the School of Spirituality. The School of Spirituality is a two-year, ecumenical adult education program that helps individuals from a variety of faith traditions and communities deepen their basic understanding of Christian spirituality, scripture, prayer and mission. I am thrilled to have won a 2 year scholarship to sit and study and learn with like-minded travelers on this spiritual path.

I wanted to do this program a few years ago, but I had other pressing matters...serving time at Danbury Federal Prison camp and then 5 months home confinement. I was so thrilled when the opportunity came back around and I was able to apply AND get a scholarship!

My path is illuminating and all I have to do is keep taking the steps forward. This has been an amazing summer, filled with passion, and love found and love lost. What is needed always comes. I do not believe there are distractions in life. I believe that every encounter with a person, place or thing is designed to grow us and shape us. There are no accidents in life, GOD is a master choreographer, architect and guide. Sometimes the lessons before us are simple, sometimes they require further discernment. I am moved to follow this new direction.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE ...

Those that know me best know that I love music...I have a song for every occasion. Hell I have several songs for any occasion. I love this song by Angela Bofill...Time To Say Goodbye. I LOVE ANGELA BOFILL. This song speaks to where I am right now.

Things between my Love and I are breaking down and we can't seem to get to common ground. We can't seem to settle in and embrace each other. We are harsh and critical with each other. We have unrealistic expectations for each other. We believe we are valid in our wants and needs and are unyielding and uncompromising in what we are willing to accept from the other. We are foolish and petty and we are losing this love each minute we don't let love rule. But we each want to be right and we each want what we want, so, that means we must go and find that which we believe we need for our respective happiness.

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE.




Just the other day I said hello to you
Now it seems like time has passed us by
I wish there was a treasure I could show to you
To make our love come back and never die

Chorus:
But it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Now I think I'm gonna cry
But at least I know we try
Oh baby it's time to say goodbye.

Goodbye to all the things we hold so dear to us
Goodbye to all the things we used to do
Goodbye to everybody far and near to us
But that won't ever stop me from loving you

Though it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Wish I didn't have to go
But deep inside I know
That baby it's time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

Goodbye... goodbye...

Instrumental

Though it's time to say goodbye
Don't know why
Things happen as they do with only you
Now I think I have to go
But deep inside I know
That baby it's time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

Time to say goodbye to all the things we used to do now
Time to say goodbye to all the family and friends
Time to say goodbye to everybody that we do know
Even though I know that this is really not the end
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye
Time to say goodbye

Goodbye... Goodbye... Goodbye... Goodbye

Time to say goodbye

Friday, September 11, 2009

WIN...BRIAN McKNIGHT

On September 11, 2006 I stood in Federal Court pleading guilty to a crime I committed. Time has passed and in remembering, I am no longer haunted, shamed or afraid of that period of my life. I've come on through and I am all the better for it. It is amazing what the human spirit can do. It is amazing the power of our minds to elevate us from despair to joy. I humbly and profoundly believe that in God's care all things are possible.
So this song by Brian McKnight is speaking to my spirit and reminds me of how far I have come and that redemption and forgiveness is not for other people, but for me too.

Monday, September 7, 2009

COMING FULLY

Tonight I opened myself up to him...to myself. I said what was on my heart and mind. I confessed my fears. I talked about what I wanted and what my challenges are. I talked about giving up my excuses.

I want this love... supreme.

It requires work. It requires a quiet mind and a willing spirit. It requires me to step up and be a grown woman. Grown in the sense of being open to a Man's love, care and connection.

All my preconceived ideas about love and loving a Man fully have to be torn down and rebuilt. I am rebuilding my thoughts. I am rebuilding this heart that was broken. It is ready for a loving home again.

I can stand in the alone space with pride and self-righteous bullshit or I can stand vulnerable to my beloved and say take my hand and let's live as one. I am walking toward my forever love with arms wide open. There is nothing for me but to love with a full heart. I have to stop being the barrier to my dreams, hopes and love aspirations. I have to come fully or not come at all.

I am coming fully. I am reaching for him. I need him. Need him as a partner, helpmate, lover, friend and confidant.

Tonight I jumped a big hurdle for myself. I stood in the Grown Woman space and opened my heart and mind wide. I spoke to my confusion and my fears. I spoke about my life in a way that invites him in. Whether he comes or not that is not the question or the answer. The lesson and the test is and was that I invited him in...finally.

I am coming fully into my loving self. I feel renewed. I am restoring what was lost to me. Love is forgiving and restorative. I am coming fully into the life of my dreams.

The Love Story continues...


Tuesday 9/8/09 12:30pm est
What happens to the souvenirs after your break up?
(photos, intimate videos, family albums, etc)
718-766-4895

A DAGGER OF WORDS...

Sometimes those that love you... hurt you the most.

It is hard to hear someone say your words are bullshit. You don't live the way you blog. You don't listen, you force your thoughts. You are a bully. You don't talk to me, you don't relate to me as a human being, you don't do this and you don't do that. I need need and need and you don't give it to me. You don't hear my ideals, you don't consider my existence. You haven't figured out how to join our lives. You are afraid, you are resistant, you disregard the proper order of things, you are not in harmony with nature, you are cunning with words. You are a seductress, an enchantress, you are charming. You are not rooted in reality. It's your world and you are the only who calls the shots. I am tired of this. I am not playing house with you. I am not having sex with you. I am tired of you. These words when strung together create a dagger and plunges into my heart. I am a woman conscious of words, their meanings, their values. I am conscious of what is said and what is withheld on the tongue. I wear these words like an exquisite piece of jewelry...heavy around my neck and heart.

I have no defense for any of the charges leveled against me. They are true. I am who you think I am. I am who you say I am.

I am a woman in transition. Trying to live with as much grace and tenderness as heaven would allow. I am divine in my steps and in my thoughts. I am a lover and a giver and always in need of redemption and prayer. You will see in me what you want to see in me. An illusion created in your own mind. Why can't you resist the need to change and reconstruct my nature...my very being. To make me better in your estimation. Weak men will do that...need to do that, seek to change the very thing they say they love and are drawn to. It requires a great deal to accept a woman on terms that are foreign to you. It requires you to question your existence and to ask "Who Are You? And What Do You Want?"

Do I bring joy to your life? Are you happy in my presence? When I touch you does the universe sing out? When you are away from me are your thoughts of me and do you miss me? Can you love me without judgement and without criticism. If we parted company would your life be better off? All the ruminations about the day-to-day is bullshit and an excuse to move further apart. To live the life of one's dreams, we have to cast off our beliefs and expectations and love what is. We have to create a new ideal...one created just for our lives with roots in what speaks to our soul.

Maybe we have reached the pinnacle of this loveship. Perhaps for us there isn't anything left to do but wish each other well on our paths. Perhaps there is something to hold onto here. Perhaps there is still conversations to be had and love to be made.

These are lovely days. The beauty of the seasons does not escape me. I welcome the seasonal change. I am looking forward to the heavier comforters on the bed and the days getting shorter. I am already imagining stews and soups and hearty breads.

The Love Story continues...

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A GIFT...GIFTS...GIFT.

Sometimes the gift has a larger meaning than originally thought. What we call into our lives based on what we think we need can show up but with a different message entirely. Love is not illusive. We only have to welcome love in, that's it...its not about time. It's about welcoming love in. Those that hold steadfast to ideals and laws and views to live a life instead of living life is sad to me. I have lost much in my life...friends, family and things. I have gained much in my life, friends, family and things. I have learned that this moment that I draw this breath is more precious than what tomorrow could bring. Peace in my home and in my heart is not predicated on everyone and everything being quiet. I am at peace in the midst of noise and chaos and drama. I am not moved by it. I do not need absolute physical peace...it dwells from within. I am not a beast for order. I am not felled by chaos. Disorder and chaos can often lend itself to creativity of the highest order. I am a woman of dual existence of heart and mind. I reconcile this everyday at every instance. It does not trouble me in the way it might for some. It has served me well and I have made room for this existence. I feel deeply and I think deeply. I am logical and emotional. Chaos and peace...however, more peace these days than chaos.

I am grand in my thoughts, deeds and actions. I give with a big heart. I do more than what is required and asked for. I make no apologies for this larger than life existence. To some that may seem over the top...grandiose. To those that say that, stay in your smallness and let your light be dimmed. For me I seek the richness and brightness of the sun and the moon. YES I DO BELIEVE I CAN DO AND BE AND HAVE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I SET MY HEART AND MIND TO. The world is mine and I am the world. I love that.

This life is one of joy and happiness and living with a full heart. I care not for ideals or laws of nature or anything that shows up as an excuse not to grab the brass ring. I am rooted in this moment with breath in this body. Carpe Diem has to be the order of the day!

I appreciate the small graces of life. The small kindnesses that connects us one to another. A smile, a hug, a note to say "hello I miss you", a single rose given because a dozen would be too much said and not enough to give in love. The balance is not in the giving but in the receiving. Receiving with grace and tenderness. The gift in and of itself is not important. To give one a gift says I am thinking of you and wanted you to have this small token of my affection because I thought this thing would bring you joy. Many find receiving hard and want to dissect the meaning behind the gift, accepting it with trepidation and suspect. Nothing breaks my heart more than that.

I am not an easy woman for anyone who needs absolute control. I am not a simple woman, I am not a dull woman, I am not a quiet woman. I am however a gift. I am a gift that requires opening everyday. I am an ever changing gift. GOD made me this wonderful gift full of mystery and whimsy and grandness. It is not open at your own risk or to your detriment...it is open and embrace love and joy.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

GONE TOO SOON...NIKKI HARRIS


Indigo Trail Of My Thoughts was her blog. I thought she was the coolest in the blogosphere. She had swagger and guts and a kick-ass stance. I wanted to own some of her mojo...such courage ALL THE TIME!

She passed on Monday and I am stunned. I was just getting to know this woman who I admired and enjoyed talking to. She was a pistol and took no prisoners. I was drawn to her, I loved her posts on her dating life, sex, men, being in the ATL and maybe moving to NYC.

She called me mommie and strangely enough I liked it...it made me feel wise. So I am selfishly missing her. I wanted more time to know her. What I got with her was indeed a grand gift.
I just wanted more time.
Gone too soon.
Other blog tributes:


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: BUIDLING A BONDING LOVE PART 1

I am a talker. I love to talk...to anyone...everyone at any time on any subject under the sun. Sometimes I have a good grasp of the topic, others times I am just fascinated and want to know more. What I am not good at is talking about my inner soul; what fuels my passions and sets my heart on fire in a loveship. I can absolutely write them, blog them and yes of course capture my thoughts in a diary. But to sit across from my beloved and speak the words that dwell in my heart...hhmmm NO! I am not afraid on the surface, its just for me to speak these thoughts out loud is indeed frightening to my core.

So how do you build a bonding love if you cannot speak clearly and consciously about what it is you say you want? Perhaps what I am talking about is trust and being in a safe place to speak my heart and mind. I am fond of saying "love waits on welcome...not on time" from the Course in Miracles. Well I have invited love in and it needs nurturing. Perhaps what I am talking about is barring one's soul and asking someone else to see you as you are in the brightest light possible...that may or may not be flattering. This is a big deal for me. I am being asked to do something that I've never been asked to do before... be open...communicate and reach for love at the highest level.

We all know that communication is critical in loveships. It is necessary as a tool to convey anything at all in life. But how do we bare our soul and give voice to the very thing that scares us? We are drawn to Love's light because it is comforting and restorative. We know the richness of a bonding love and its power to redeem us, revitalize us and rescue us. We know that we need it and yet we cower in its shadow as if the brightness of love would burn us. If only we would remember love does not hurt.

I am being stretched in my heart and mind and there is nothing to do but be stretched. There is no turning back. I am being prepared for the grandest of love. I am seeing myself in Love's light and it is a me I've never seen before. I want to continue to excavate this me. I want to see where this journey of building a bonding love takes me. My beloved is patient and generous in spirit and action and love. I require that kind of care and hope to return its favor.

I am asking deeply and lovingly Who Are You and What Do You Want?

The Love Story continues...

12:30PM EST
718-766-4895

Monday, August 31, 2009

AND JUST LIKE LIKE...POOF! HELLO

He came back yesterday. I was glad to see him. He's been gone a week. It felt so much longer. I missed him. There is something very real between us. There is a chance for real long lasting love. But we seem to be talking around and around...circular. I said "I want to give you more of what you need" and "I want you to give me more of what I need" That's the compromise I said. We go back and forth on letting go and holding on. Our friendship keeps us rooted and connected. I am not sure we would be talking still if it were not for history and memory. I was thinking they way we left things...ended things that we were done. I told myself I was done. I told him I was done.

I love him.

We have been floating in the ether he says, now we must get back on the ground and asks hard questions, lay out a map. Can we do this? Should we do this?

He slept beside me last night, holding my hand. It was the most comforting thing in the world.

And just like that...POOF! HELLO!

The Love Story continues....

Sunday, August 30, 2009

AND JUST LIKE THAT...POOF! GOODBYE.

It has been an amazing summer. I fell in love with someone I've always loved. So much passion and fire and tenderness and laughter and happiness. This was and is my summer of HAPPY! He came in and reminded me how sweet love can be. We are not slated for eternity but we will love each other forever. He has his path and I have mine and in these lovely moments we crossed, connected and loved sweetly and passionately. Now we are moving along and apart.

I am thinking about myself differently these days. I've had a taste of what a loveship could be and I want that for myself. I need that for myself. To be loved by a good man is divine. I want to be wanted and needed and adored and cared for. I want to be considered above all others. I want to be waited for. I always knew I had a great capacity for love. I can feel the energy of love surging through my veins. Yes I have lots of layers and walls and barriers, but for the right man...the divine right man, there lies an oasis...strong, true, faithful and abiding love. I cast my pearls before enough swine...God knows I have! This summer has given me a chance to see myself in Love's mirror and I liked it. I loved the touching of someone close, I loved waking up with someone dear to me. I loved holding hands while we slept. I never had that kind of connection with anyone. I want that. I've seen the beauty in it and I want that.

So here I am contemplating my dating life. A life that did not not seem possible before this summer. But now I am ready. REALLY READY to step out and be some one's love. This Stella definitely got her groove back! I am not skiddish about sex with someone or being seen naked, my passion as a woman is not only intact but bubbling over. I have rediscovered my sensual self. I owe this reconnection to this summer. My smile is brighter and wider, my heart is joyful and I happily step into Love's light. I know that the man for me is on his way. This summer has returned to me the gift of passion and intimacy. I have spread my wings and soared!

Down separate paths we go to find our heart's desires...

And just like that... POOF! Goodbye.

The Love Story comes to an end.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

DON'T KNOW WHY...SMOKEY ROBINSON

I love this song by Norah Jones. When I first heard it, it instantly became a favorite. But hearing Smokey Robinson's version takes it to a new level. He is LUSH! LUSH! LUSH! and sooooo silky smmmmooooth! It has soul and dimension... rarely a remake is better than the original. Anyway this is how I am feeling today. You know I love a good song...adds to the soundtrack of my life.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THE LOVE INVESTMENT

It costs something whether you stay or walk away. It hurts all the same no matter what you do. So perhaps what to do is to press on. Maybe just up ahead the way becomes smoother. You won't know until you press on...keep it moving. Love does not hurt. What hurts are the decisions we make in love, that have nothing to do with love at all. It has everything to do with personal baggage and clouded thinking and yes fear.

Love only requires that you be ready and open to receive it. Love waits on welcome not on time....A Course in Miracles. Love does not desert us...we desert love. Love itself is not hard. What is hard is relinquishing your control of whatever you think you might have. It is about self preservation. Who the hell wants to be hurt? But here's the thing, if you don't invest in love then life itself is meaningless.

Investing in love requires a commitment to stay in it. Stay connected, to tear down all your barriers and safety nets. It requires you to reach for each other in nakedness of thought, soul and being. You have to suspend doubt. You have to forgive everyday, every hour, every minute. We are human and we choose badly all the time. We run away, we fuck up, we trip, we fall, we get back up. Love never dies. Love never ends. Love says I wait for you to invite me in.

Love has arrived and I am inviting it in. It is more than I could have dreamed up and yet not enough. I have to be in love for its sake and do what love requires...welcome it. Invest in it fully. This is new ground for me. There are no maps. What I knew of love before does not apply here in these moments. I am a new woman in love. I am brave and afraid all at once. I am happy and apprehensive. It is my path. I am growing. I am challenging hard earned beliefs and whatever happens I will be renewed.

I am answering the questions: Who are you? and what do you want?

The LOVE STORY continues...

TODAY 12:30PM EST
BREAKING UP WITH THE RIGHT PERSON
718-766-4895

Monday, August 24, 2009

STRUGGLING IS NOT DIVINE

When you are in a place of constant struggle with anything or anyone, for me it simply means let go. What I am struggling with is not for me. When things are received or sought with ease, I realize they are meant for me. I am not suggesting hard work doesn't pay off. Or that we shouldn't work hard for the things we want and need. But struggling or to struggle with is not divine.

I am struggling with someone I love dearly. It is energy draining. I am struggling with someone Else's issues on how to live in the world. I am still solid and committed to to the way in which I want to love and be open and living with a full heart. What I am not interested in, is a thought process that hasn't garnered any success for the person claiming to have a different way of thinking. If that thinking is so radically different and closer connected to GOD? Then why are you struggling in so many areas in your life? I am not making a judgement, just asking the obvious questions. How has that thinking brought you peace and happiness? If you hold onto a thinking that is isolating and it isolates you from the very things you say you want then perhaps a new thinking direction needs to emerge.

There are many who believe that to retreat from the world and all its trappings is the way to go. That you can't have real harmony if you are in the world. They believe to end struggle and conflict is to be in community with like minded folks only. I am so not with that thinking. The world for me is wondrous and a beautiful place. If there is to be harmony and peace and love and joy it begins in my mind. It begins with me. I have to want those things inspite of noise in the world.

I do not welcome struggle. I am not interested in a myopic world view. I am not interested in anyone clipping my wings and saying don't fly too high. I am not interested in someone telling me know thy place. I am not interested in defined roles and conformity.

Struggling is not divine. I am letting go. I have to answer the questions: WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT? When I pose these simple questions, the thing I am struggling with clearly is an obstacle and barrier to the life that I want, and to that end I have to stand in my truth and release the struggle.

Friday, August 21, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: BREATHING THE BREADTH OF THE OTHER...HAKI R. MADHUBUTI

same love different decades
we've seen the sun
rise
melting loud promises of our twenties
the young do not love carefully,
the young innocently love, often
the young live with wishes of no boredom.

you are mature young
a decade past romanticism,
years on the other side of searching,
months away from intimate hunger,
weeks from assigning blame,
days removed from contemplating advice from
relatives,
within seconds confirming, we are ready!

these are your commitments:

a. listen first, listen last, communicate
b. when angry, hit the couch in private instead of each
other.
c. measure each other's pulse seven times a week; do
not buy a pulse meter.
d. divide the housework
B.C (Before Children)
you 1: garbage, dishes, bedroom, car, kitchen,
mopping, weekly wash, cooking, shopping,
no pets.
you 2: living room, bathroom, halls, cooking, car,
sweeping, shopping, weekly wash, kitchen,
argue for a cat.
A.C. (After Children) revise everything
e. encourage growth in each other. intelligence may
marry stupid, but brains don't stay with pinheads.
f. parent against the culture; if you spend $100 on
Nintendo, your children will become what you
deserve.
g. do not take current beauty for granted. big eaters
are wrong. fat is not pretty nor healthy.
h. grow into greater love, nothing stays the same.
challenge the beauty in each other. fight for
understanding.

we've seen the sun
rise
in you
knowing the bones in her back
feeling the tenderness of his feet,

same love, different decade,
breathing the scent of each other
breath to breath
sustaining the music of bright expectations
life confirmed. complete.
one.

author: Haki R. Madhubuti,
HeartLove
Wedding and Love Poems

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

THE LONG GOODBYE...

GOD does send us what is needed and what we ask for. When we get what we asked for, sometimes we realize that more is needed...more work on our part, more of something that compliments our spirit in ways that were overlooked. Sometimes GOD gives us what we ask for because what we want is not what we need and nothing explains that better than getting what we say we want and realizing we were wrong. It is a tough lesson and sometimes it takes a lot of time figuring that out. But there are gifted moments when the reality of our lives and our choices tell us what we said we wanted was wrong and what is needed is still to come.

I came across this song by India.Arie that is haunting me. And I know GOD is talking to me as GOD often does with music and art and well, burning bushes.

I say I love you
You say that's kind
You don't wanna get too close
You loved me crazy
I lost my mind

Listen...

You're everything I never wanted
And all the things I didn't need
This ain't who I wanna be
You don't have to stay forever
I'll take passion over pride
Full moon, high tide
Let's make it a Long Goodbye
Tomorrow we'll pick up the pieces
Try to mend our broken lives
Soft kiss, sweet lies

Let's make it a long goodbye

Yeah...
I cried in silence
I lived through you
I've given everything away
And maybe I can learn to fall
For someone who can give me all
The things I"m not afraid to lose

Whenever you see lonely faces
That's where I'll be
Don't cry for me, no no no no
Don't cry for me, don't cry for me yeah yeahhhh

Hey, don't cry for me, no no no
I'm gonna be okay



The question begs to be asked: Who Are You? and What Do You Want?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: LIVING LOVE

At some point all your self analysis and personal development has to be played out in real life. You have to begin to live all the things you want. If love is what you say you want then you have to be that love and live it! All the things we desire in our hearts have to be lived. We have to move from imagination and dreams to real life.

I had decided that Mr. Love was not the man for me. I decided this because I was being a self-righteous brat and a coward. I wanted to have my way. Well I can't have my way when it involves someone else. There has to be give and take...harmony. Fortunately for me, Mr. Love did not put any stock into my declaration of him not being "The One" especially since my 1985-88 journals proclaim him to be "The One" (yes we had a great time rereading all the journal entries pertaining to him).

He has a great deal of courage and foresight about how he wants to live. I admire that a great deal. A man who charts his own course. A man who has a clear vision of how he needs to live on a day-to-day basis. I want to live this vision for myself. I want to live love this way. It is amazing how what I needed has come. The key for me is to pay attention to what is and not what is or is not said between us.

We have to go from discernment to action. At some point we must put away the books of inspiration and go about the business of living love.

The Love Story contines....

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I CAN ROAR... BY FLUTTER

My very beautiful Blog Sister, Flutter penned this beautiful poem on her blog... Flutter, Dark & Dvine It moved me so. I just had to repost with her very kind permission. ENJOY!

I can roar
August 13th, 2009

Humility, they say

be humble, do not express

your pride

But I am done hiding

my light

I can bake

a motherfucking cake

In an apron that says

laissez les bons temps rouler

(it rhymes if you say it right

so just try to say it right

because I won’t correct you anymore

because I used to

and that shit is rude)

I am made of humorous things

mostly directed at myself

but damn if I am not the best friend

that you will ever know

my heart, this big and wounded thing

well shit, bitch…it loves you

and some days

oh some days

it needs to be held in the palm

of your hands and cradled

because I am not always so strong

I am a brainy girl

and my hands are just like my mother’s

beautiful

strong

they build things

pictures with words

things with yarn and beads

and fabric and fluff

things that are nothing

things that matter

they hold yours in tough times

and reach out when they need

sometimes

I am talented

I am good

I deserve the things I’ve denied myself

and instead of sitting

and waning

pitching pathetic

I can roar

Friday, August 14, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: EMOTIONAL DEXTERITY

There seems to be this backlash against emotional attachments. That somehow being "emotional" has become a negative characteristic. That one should not take anything "personal" I love you , but I am not in love with you, has become a common mantra for the discontented and fearful. I am always taken aback when folks chop up their feelings about love and being in love. They believe that by burying, ignoring and turning off emotional connection that somehow that is some higher way of thinking. That to have emotions denotes a kind of weakness. They strive to live and be beyond the emotional and the personal. I get some of that. I do. But for me there has to be some emotional dexterity.

To love in harmony with your emotional, spiritual and physical self requires embracing the emotional. Why would you be so disconnected from your emotional self as if it would guide you in the wrong direction? I mean if you are enlightened or seeking enlightenment then I would think your emotions would support clarity. I am not making an excuse to be emotionally off the chain. Nor am I suggesting that we give into our emotions without other reasoning skills that aid in our decision making processes. Yes, some of us are more in control of our emotions than others. I think I hoover somewhere in the middle depending on the challenge. I will cry over the smallest things and I can also stand in the midst of great trauma...unflinching.

I am one for great emotions. My emotions have served me well. I do not think that my judgement is clouded by my emotions...at least not all the time. Nor do I think that if I make a decision based on my emotions that it will be the wrong one. I am a mix of emotion, intellect, feeling, and intuition. I am tactile. I love the physical feel of things...people...places. I am rooted in emotion. I listen to my gut. I heed the call of angels. I am open to the whisper of God.

Love for me is saying it and doing it all at once. It is active and open. It's saying to the world I love this person, this place, this life. God was not and is not quiet about his love of people and earth. We get it wrong when we say stop being emotional. We lose out and we miss out on the finer joys and pleasures of right now. I am not trying to fore go living in preparation for heaven. Heaven is in all of us. We have to create it and nurture it. It is the emotional dexterity of our inner selves that will get us there.

The questions come back around.... who are you? and what do you want?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: FLAWS & PERFECTION

I really don't like to believe that relationships are hard. I rather like to believe that with love and a willing spirit any obstacle can be overcome. It is not relationships that are hard, it is our own mess that make relationships hard. I am not suggesting folks stay in mess and try to love through it. I am talking about that internal voice that whispers this is not what you want.

What is in front of me is lovely but it is not without its challenges. I have my deal breakers that are absolutes. But what about the little petty things? Those little annoyances that make a seemingly grand picture flawed. Maybe I am too much for perfection and not enough for reality. And God knows looking at my life's choices one would not think perfection.

We are all flawed. Does the greater qualities cancel out the lesser ones? Do I over look, or better still do I make room for the things that are not smooth. Love asks only that we welcome it. It doesn't say pick apart the vessel in which love shows up to get to the parts that are divine. All love is divine including the vessel.

The Love Story continues....

Monday, August 10, 2009

HISTORY & MEMORY

There are a great many things that bring me pleasure in this life. My children, my new found friendships and love of old friends.

He connects me back to my roots, my formative years. At our core we are the same as when we were 16, 17 years old. Yes, the world has shaped Us...changed Us. We have spent a great many years apart. Yes, we see things from different view points. For me this is lovely, it opens up the world in a different way. For him I suspect it means we are not in sync. We are in the same ballpark but not on the same team. To me this is not a deficit or a problem. I like differing viewpoints.

So what to do and what happens next? Do we press on or do we say friendship withstanding, a loveship is near impossible. I do know that our friendship is the foundation on which this love is built. The friendship is grace. It allows us to be present in each other's lives without introduction or awkward interactions.

We are mis-communicating at the moment. It is not a problem for me. As I see it, we are fine tuning our rhythms...learning each other's signals. I suspect he sees it as signs and indications of way more work to be done to strengthen the connection and quite possibly insurmountable. We are in a holding pattern...not really moving forward but not letting go either.

There is real love here. Real deep and abiding love. There is a risk that it could be lost. Not the friendship, that remains forever and a day strong! The losing of the loveship could come because we could shrug our shoulders and become unwilling to press on. To go a step (even) further than the day before.

I do not have the "right" answers. I only know that I come to this with all my insecurities, shortcoming and frailties. I do know that I have a great capacity for love. I do know that my willing spirit has served me in moments of great despair and hardship. I do know that I am willing to break down all my barriers and walls to let him in.

Our friendship is the lifeline that keeps us connected. This loveship is steeped in history and memory that affords us the opportunity to re-connect and thrive. Love will flourish if we take a step (even) further.

The Love Story continues...

Friday, August 7, 2009

STEP (EVEN) FURTHER...SOL EDLER

I heard this beautiful song last night for the first time and it is haunting me. So I decided to dedicate it to my Love. I've been looking for a song that captures who we are....(our lives ought to have a soundtrack).

The Love Story continues...

...whatever happens, friends will be alright.


Step (Even) Further - Sol Edler

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THANK YOU K.O. JOHNSON

Sometimes we get stuck in our own heads about how things ought to go. Or as my Love Supreme likes to say.... we force our thoughts. I certainly was doing just that over the last couple of days. I got so caught up with having what I wanted that I completely ignored what He wanted and Needed...needs. I was thinking my way was the better way. That my path was THE path.

It took a divine call from my newly married blog brother K.O. Johnson to smack me back to remedial love lesson 101: Be Still. Don't react to what is said as opposed to what is happening. The conversation was not only timely, but divine. I needed that reminder. I needed someone to say...PUMP YOUR BRAKES SISTER!

I am ready for love. I am open for love. Love is perfection but not perfect. Love is about growing and expanding one's heart and mind. Love is about making room for another's clothes, toiletries, books, heart, philosophy, beliefs and needs. It is seeing them and they seeing you and still are encouraged about all the possibilities that this union could be.

There is either love or fear. I chose fear the other day...old habit. Old habits die hard. God sends the loveliest of folks to me to remind me to be still. To allow love to do what loves does best: Restores, strengthens and heals.

Thank you K.O. Johnson you are an angel indeed.

The Love Story continues....

LOVETALK
IS ON SUMMER VACATION
WE WILL BACK SOON!
HAPPY SUMMER TO YOU ALL!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

CLOSE TO HEAVEN IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I know what I want. I cannot stand in this life right now and not now clearly what I want. I want to live a certain way. I want a life filled with love and harmony. I want to share my life with someone who gets me on a great many levels. I want to share my life with someone who gets my jokes...gets my thoughts, understands my pain and loves me all the same.

I cannot hold someone Else's baggage. I cannot wait until someone solves their problems. I cannot wait until someone is sure about me. This may seem selfish... and it is on some level. I know what I need and want. I can't love someone through their journey or process of discernment. Yes I can cheer them on. I can send up prayers on their behalf. I can be encouraging. I cannot be the woman waiting in hopes of being chosen as THE ONE.

Life is right now. Not 6 months from now. We are in this space right now. The opportunity to love presents itself in this moment. We all have our choices to make...issues to overcome, wrongs to make right. God sends us what is needed.

God sends us what is needed but is not up to me to prove that. I only have to know that what is needed always comes. Maybe this is a dis-jointed post. Maybe I want to share my disappointment. Or maybe I am being unreasonable. I just know I can't be the woman who is auditioning for some one's love.

See I need him to scale the castle walls for me. I need him to NEED ME with every waking breath. I need him to say he can't sleep without me...can't make the bed without me...can't enjoy his day without the sound of my laughter ringing in our living space. See I can't accept anything less. I've had less and I am not going back for more where there is only less.

Love is enough to move anything thing forward. But there also has to be a willing spirit. Someone has to be willing to take the gamble...make the bet and roll the dice. There is only love or fear.

I don't care to hear that you need space and time to clear your heart and head because the one before me wounded you so. Let go unless you need to wallow in that pain. I am offering joy and peace and harmony and love. I have no drama to bring. I have no secrets, nor am I interested in playing the game of mis-communication. I am not angry or selfishness. All I got is me and a willingness to make it beautiful.

See, I've been close to heaven before and it ain't enough. I want heaven or nothing at all. And trust me, I will let go of you if all you have to offer is close enough.

The Love Story continues...

Friday, July 31, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: MONEY IS NOT AN EMOTION

Over and over I am brought to my knees because I allowed myself to be consumed by lack of money. When I come from a place of lack it means I am tight fisted and blocking my own blessings. I do not like having money be so important to me that when I am without it I am sad, depressed, and angry. And when I get money I am immediately happier, and joyful. Money shouldn't have that kind of power over me. It is my challenge to set myself free from that kind of slavery.

I have all that I need. Whatever financial challenges I have, requires me to be creative in my solutions and overcoming those challenges. I cannot allow the joy that resides in me to be diminished because of the lack of money. Money cannot have that kind of power over my well being. Instead of allowing what I lack become larger than life. I need to have some perspective and think about how to see my financial challenges differently.

Reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's book EXCUSES BEGONE! he says you originated in a world of abundance, which you unquestionably have the ability to access. He advocates shifting from I can't afford it to Whatever I need in the form of assistance to guide me in the direction of my life is not only available, but is on its way.

I am understanding that joy, happiness and love have nothing to do with lack or money. And that I need not link money to my feelings of profound joy, happiness and love. I just have to continue to believe and live the fact that what is needed will come. It always has.

The only power money should have is the ability to purchase things. That's it. Not make my day happy or sad. I control how I feel. My thoughts drive my feelings and I am changing my mind to change my life. Money is not an emotion and should not have emotional status. It is up to me and my thoughts to change my relationship with money. To allow money to respectfully return to a place of being a tool and not an emotional crutch with the power to affect my mood and how I move around the world.

Money is not an emotion.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

TANGO SUEÑO...TANGO LESSON #7

CONNECTION. COORDINATION. RESPONSE. Tango is about connecting intimately with your partner, the floor, the music. It is letting the body flow. It is responding to everything all at once. This is the Tao of Tango.

Last night I learned a new Tango step. I love the way I am learning to Tango. I am loving how I am yielding to the dance, the partners, the music. I am stepping onto the floor with more confidence. With each step I am committed to the dance. I am committed to the love of Tango.

We made love all night. We started well before midnight and finished with the morning pushing through the windows. There was no time or space where we existed. We were of one spirit...one body...a continuation of a long running love story. Last night was different than all the nights before. This was a different passion. A surrendering of all that we are and all that we mean to each other. It was naked...it was raw...it was full circle.

The Tango requires that you open yourself up and let the music flow through you. You cannot resist the music, the feel of the sensual. If you do resist, you are not dancing the Tango. It is forceful. It is bold. It is masculine and feminine. It is living life with passion.

The passion between us remains explosive...but not violent. It is sensual and tender. It is comforting and safe. I am at home in his arms in a way that I have never been with anyone ever. It is profound this sense of passion and joy. It makes me strong and not needy. It makes me be bold and not insecure.

The Tango speaks to living with passion and joy and harmony and balance.

The Love Story continues...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: SEEING ME FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW

Loving someone requires you to hear things about yourself that will hurt. If the person loves you and supports you, then their observations of your life will come wrapped in love and support. I am not talking about tearing someone down, or manipulating their feelings so you can keep them under your thumb. I am not talking about people who talk to you with foul intentions, abusive in nature and mean in delivery. I am talking about lovingly helping someone become the best possible them they can be.

Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes can be tricky. It requires trust and high self esteem. You gotta know who you are and be willing to hear the analysis without feeling like you are being attacked or criticized unfairly. This is where it becomes hard for me. I am still carrying some baggage...albeit small carry-ons of my former marriage. In that marriage criticism was often brutal and mean spirited. So if I think you are attacking me then I retreat.

What I am learning (thanks to my blood sister Lo & Sister-friend JB) is that I have to stand in the space of fear and stare it down in this new found loveship. This MAN is not THAT man. The woman I am today is the not the same woman yesterday. There has been growth and meaningful self analysis. I am loving the way that I am coming to love right now.

Love stretches us to truth, to clarity to love deeper. I want to love deeper. In order to love deeper I have to be open and living with a full heart.

The Love Story continues....

LOVETALK IS ON VACATION TODAY
WILL BE BACK NEXT WEEK!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: MERRY CHRISTMAS




We are celebrating CHRISTMAS IN JULY! We would have done it yesterday but the children were scheduled to hang out with their Dad for the day. So today it's CHRISTMAS!




WISHING YOU ALL A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS...IN JULY!






Friday, July 24, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: LOVE ABSOLUTELY

The only absolute I know is LOVE. I believe that in love that all things are possible. I am not talking about the dribble of so-called romantic love...although that has it place and rightfully so. I am talking about love that restores, strengthens and connects. Those that understand this know how to walk the earth in peace. Others that know this walk the world doing for the world.

For those of Us who believe in love absolutely we know that whatever chaos exists in the world and or in our lives, or around the corner all we have to do is stand in love and not be moved. Yes called to action, but not moved by fear. To stand in a state of Love absolutely requires a willingness to see the world and your place in it in a different way. It asks you to see the world from a place of love. To do so energizes each of us to reach out and connect with each other. To save the world means first seeing all the love in the world, even in the midst of great loss, sadness, hardship and great human suffering. We are each more than our worst moments.

Love absolutely asks us to move forward and live with a full heart. To take whatever comes and embrace the what is. Not settle for less than all the best love has to offer.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

TANGO SUEÑO...TANGO LESSON #6

Body Language. Eyes up, no looking at your feet. There is nothing to see on the floor. The way to move is to wait for the direction from your partner. Read body language...this is The Tao of Tango.

So we are abstaining from making love for 14 days. Discipline. Clarity. Catching one's breath. We are consumed with passion. We are each others ignition. He wants this to be something real. I already know and believe in the realness of Us. He does too, but he wants certainty. He wants absolutes. I know there are no absolutes. But there is divinity and what is meant for you won't get by you. So I am surrendering to his declarations.

Gauchos in Tango requires the woman to kick. The Man must not only guide you into the gaucho, but he has to set his body in order to receive the kick. You have to read body language, you have to be in tuned to your partner. You have to be in the ready...one foot off the ground all the time. He has to move you, pivot you, direct you.

I love his reasons for taking this loveship to the next level. He is serious. He has always been serious. He is a very grounded soul. Wise beyond his years. He is pragmatic as I am a dreamer. He is a task master where I am a free spirit. He is a man for a map where I will follow where the day takes me. What binds us, roots us, connects us is the passion. We balance each other. I am not afraid of him. He has always been a safe harbor....safe meaning no harm will come to me by his hand. No harsh words will he ever speak to me. He wasn't raised that way nor is it in his nature. He loves me from the highest place in his soul. He loves me from the deepest recesses of his heart. He is for me and I am for him.

To Tango is to live with passion. There is no way to dance this dance and not feel the music, the pace of your partners heart moving you across the floor. The thing about Tango is that it keeps your full attention. There is no quitting, only more dancing.

So He is making room for me. He is including me in his dreams, his right now and his future. There is nothing for me to do but follow. I happily follow.

The Love Story continues....

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: LOVE IS ENOUGH

What I have learned in the course of my big extraordinary life so far is LOVE IS ENOUGH.

For all the madness in the world LOVE IS ENOUGH to heal, restore, and change hearts and minds. But I don't have to look to the world for examples of madness, chaos and drama. I can look at my community or my family, and in my own life. I have decided a long time ago when I started on this journey of personal discovery and enlightenment that love will be the strongest foundation to build upon. LOVE IS ENOUGH and I have found evidence and examples of that over and over again. It is my best belief.

My love and friend of 35 years is struggling with his life choices. He is pushing forward with a plan that does not allow for love. He is determined to retreat from the world to find solitude and peace. I told him I do not have the luxury of running away. I have to be accountable to 4 little angels who need me 24/7. That seemed to give him food for thought. I could see his mind turning. You see I said If your heart and mind aren't free it doesn't matter where you do time...it is still prison. Discontent in our spirit colors everything. It affects how we interact with each other. It messes with our sensibilities. When we truly choose to believe LOVE IS ENOUGH then our lives can become what we dreamed. We press forward knowing that we have all we need for the journey ahead and we can stand in this moment with a full heart.

He knows God has sent him to me because I know something about living with a full heart. God sent him to me because I know something about overcoming despair. God sent him to me because I know and believe LOVE IS ENOUGH.

The Love Story continues...


Today 12:30pm est

Monday, July 20, 2009

STANDING IN THE SPACE OF MORE THAN ALRIGHT

I do know that whatever happens I will be alright. I posses a deep and abiding faith in the healing and restorative power of God. Love sustains and heals, nurtures and grows. I live this.

This beautiful Love Story that is unfolding day by day with my dearest friend of 35 years is a prime example of Love all around. I did not see him coming, but he certainly is and was what I needed in this moment. In this moment. I am not sure if he is the one to end my days with. I am sure of the enduring friendship. We move ourselves forward with open hearts if we are brave enough to allow what is to come to come. It is hard to be still and let love be. We are each human beings and as such we are used to putting our handiwork into things. We believe we just can't leave things to chance. Love does not asks us to do anything accept live with a full heart.

I was prepared to speak from a different place this morning and in my drive back home from dropping off the children I realized that I was thinking from a place of fear and lack. I was clearly not holding onto my faith or having faith in the universe's ability to present to me all that I need and want without struggle. So for me this morning it is about standing in the space of being more than alright regardless of the challenges, fears and insecurities.

I am standing in the space of more than alright. I will be more than alright no matter what comes around, what goes away. I am holding that thought...belief as my meditation today. So when I find myself fearful of what I don't have, or what I lack this will bring me back to abundance.

I am always asking the question: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Yes, the Love Story continues....

Friday, July 17, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: FAITH. STRENGTH. COURAGE.

No one can manage the world alone. There those who try and are quite successful for awhile. No one should spend their time in the company of folks who don't lift their spirits, but so many do and explain the reason for their unhappiness with clear, concise points. We can tolerate mess, but run from real love.

We will jump through hoops for lovers who have nothing in common with us except neediness. But when real love walks up to us and introduces itself, we are unsure...afraid. Is it because we have been so needy for so long? We've been mis-treated for so long that when it all changes for the better we are stunned. We are used to the pain and often humiliation. We are used to begging. We are used to auditioning, convincing and settling for love or what we think is love.

It requires a great deal of faith, strength and courage to allow love to come and set up residence in your heart. You have to listen with you heart and mind and squash the world of naysayers and internal critics. Love asks that you give up happily managing loneliness. Faith in love calls you to wait and believe that as you do your internal growth work, your best self will attract who you are. Strength in love calls us to be still and allow love to emerge. Courage in love calls us to be open and vulnerable. Not vulnerable to being hurt or being treated any kind of way, but open to the spirit of another who has your best interest at heart.

The question begs to be asked...WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

TANGO SUEÑO...TANGO LESSON #5

INTENSE. You have to get into the intensity of the dance, your partner, the music, the drama of it all. You have to be fearless. You have to trust your body and allow it to be seduced. This is the Tao of Tango.

It is indeed intense with us. More intense than I could have ever dreamed up. We are explosive. We are gentle. I have never in my life felt this kind of passion. My body responds as if it has a will of its own. He catches me off guard. He sees me. He sees me in ways that so many did not, could not, would not. He asks if I am trying to blow his mind...truth be told he is blowing mine.

Tango is more intense than I thought possible. I knew of the history and I have been in awe as well as inspired by those who dance the Tango. It is the most seductive dance and greedily requires you to surrender. I surrender. I am surrendering.

He loves me. Always has. I love him. Always have. Our friendship transcends time and space. That will not change...this love. What looms on the horizon is how to join our lives. Should we join our lives. Perhaps the intensity will burn out and we will leave each other to our lives. Perhaps the intensity will bond us...like hot molten steel constructing a new foundation which to build upon.

I am committed to the Tango. It speaks to my sexual feminine. I feel like a woman in love.

I am a woman in love.

The Love Story continues...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: WHAT DO YOU NEED?

Inspired by one of my favorite blog sisters, Kay C, The Quiet Storm On Her blog she posted the question asked by a commenter to her blog post Answers to Who are you, and what do you want?

WHAT DO YOU NEED? Is so in line with WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Beyond the basic human needs of food shelter and clothing, what do I need? What do I need to make my life better? What do I need to have more love, joy, happiness? I am clear about what I want. But what I need? seems to be tricky and illusive. Sure I can rattle off a laundry list of things needed. I can articulate all the things I need done in my home and in my yard. Hell I can even tell you want needs to be done to my car. What I think this question asks is a much more deeper concern. I believe this question asks me to dig deeper and wrestle with what love, joy and happiness means to me. I need those things. I NEED LOVE, JOY AND HAPPINESS. So then in needing those things I have to define them for myself and articulate what LOVE, JOY AND HAPPINESS looks like. If I have no idea what they look like then how pray tell will I recognize them when they arrive? This warrants further discernment and meditation.

What do you need?

Who are you and what do you want?

Monday, July 13, 2009

GERALD LEVERT...YOU GOT THAT LOVE

So He sang this to me after we made love. A few days later we heard it on the radio. We danced to it in the livingroom. He shhhhished me to just listen. LOL! I was flattered...more than flattered, I was THRILLED!



[Intro]
Baby, baby, baby, baby

1 - You got that
That it's too good I don't deserve it kinda love
That girl I'm calling in sick to work kinda love
The sweat it funkey dope kinda love
That's what you got
That call it a night kinda love

2 - That girl's so down I'm about to bust kinda love
That don't stop girl, get it get it kinda love
That back it up, break it off hip was knockin' kinda love
That's what you got
Call it a night kinda love

Baby, I think I'm coming home early
Cuz girl my body's yearning
For what you did last night
Cuz when you did it
Ooh it didn't make no sense
Cuz girl you know you know you know you know
That you sure got a brother spinnin'

Repeat 1
Repeat 2

Baby, wish you could feel what I was feeling
Cuz girl when I'm inside you
Girl, I'm so complete
Cuz when we're apart
I'm only half the man
That I am with you
And it's you that I need
And all of that, all of that

Repeat 1
Repeat 2

No telephones ringing
No ?? singing
Don't wanna see no TV
I just wanna be sleeping
The way you put it on me
Baby girl, you show me
That I ain't never leaving
You got the lovin' I'm needing
Said you got that

Turn the blue line in the basement kinda love
Ooh girl I wanna slap your mama kinda love
That funkey dope kinda love
That's what you got
That call it a night kinda love

Repeat 2

You got that love
That kind of love
That L-O-V-E love
That's what you got

You've got that love
That kind of love
That L-O-V-E love
That's what you got

Friday, July 10, 2009

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: ALLOW LOVE TO BE LOVE

I am finding that all I have to do is stand in the place that love dwells and let love do the rest. When true love is present, all that it asks, is that you open your heart. Accept the gift and then share it.

I am standing in that place where love dwells. I would have missed it if I were in a different place in my heart and mind and spirit. I was not ready last year or the year before. Everything in my life brings me to this moment. The stars are aligned and I am standing here taking it all in without fear and reservation. I asked. I received.

I do think of tomorrow but it does not over shadow my right now. This is a place of happiness right now. I am feeling strong and loved and focused and happy. Happy being the new order of the day.

We must allow love to be love. Love does not ask us to define, spin or defend. It only asks that we allow it to dwell, grow and spread. How divine. Love is not illusory, it is a living, breathing activity...a state of being. I love my kids. I love my friends. I love being alive. It is all love. I know there are those who will compartmentalize love for the sake of defining the differences of love of family, lovers, friends, objects. But I say Love IS. All Love is love. I will say our expressions of love is truly what people are really referring to when they say the love for their children is different than love of a lover. All love is love.

The real key for me is allowing love to be love and not try to make it into something I want from my ego's perspective. Love is about being humble and gracious and open to the spirit of another.

The Love Story continues...

Always asking the question: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

TANGO SUEÑO...TANGO LESSON #4

YOU GOTTA FEEL THE PASSION. YOU GOTTA TAP THAT INNER SEX APPEAL. YOU GOTTA FEEL THE AROUSAL. THIS IS THE TAO OF TANGO.

It took me all class to get the ouchos...forward and backwards. So much about Tango is feeling. You have to be prepared to go there...tap that sexual energy. Otherwise you are wasting your time. Tango is about putting your sexy...arousal...passion... on display. It is about the beauty of movement between a man and a woman. It is unlocking secrets. It is being honest and letting go of inhibitions.

My Love and I got past our little rough patch yesterday. I walked forward and dropped my stance. I surrendered. He reached out to me and was kind and generous. It is amazing how past relationships can haunt the present ones. You gotta be prepared to let go and stand fully in the new found love. It is about he and I right now in this space. Real. Raw. Loving. You have to be willing to work. WORK! WORK! WORK! And you gotta work with a sense of willingness, joy and commitment to love.

God has answered my prayer, now I must stand in reciept of my gift with gratitude.

The Love Story continues....

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TIME AS A BARRIER

So much of what we want for ourselves is based on time...time for love...time to break up ...time to move on.... time to discern.

I am learning that time really has no real relevance to love. As I am fond of saying and repeating from the A Course in Miracles LOVE waits on Welcome...Not on TIME. It means that you can welcome love into your life and heart at any given moment. Not solely when it's convenient for you. The heart is an a amazing thing, it knows how to beat on its own. It does not need us to sit and clock its beats. Love is like that too. If we allow love to set in, it too will thrive.

I am in love with someone who is so conscious of time and planning that I am ready to walk away. When someone is constantly throwing time around what they are really saying is the love that you have to give them in this moment is not what their time allows for. And you have to recognize if someone has real time for love. If they do not and you are not honest then you start the convincing cycle. The place where you do your hardest to make them see that you are worth their time if they would take the time to see you. I have long since decided to give up the convincing mode and I am not going back. You see I am not interested in the potential for love.

I am interested in the now-ness of love. The readiness of love. This is where it gets tricky for people. They think that if they hang in with someone...wait someone out, be accommodating that the love they want will happen. No. This is just holding time....spending time with no real sense of love being showered on you. I am not interested in this either. Using time as barrier against getting the love we all say we want is a cowards way of not living with a full heart. You can not time stamp love. If we could, we all would schedule falling in love at the most opportune time. When we are at our best and our lives our happy and harmonious. But our whispers and prayers for GOD to send someone our way is always in the most desperate of hours....when loneliness is overwhelming and standing alone is painful to the touch. I have been there.

This falling in love time for me is very illuminating. I am grateful for its lessons thus far. I am grateful that I have the ability to live all that I speak. That means not accepting anything less than what I want for my heart and soul. Total, full, deep and abiding love.

I am not afraid to let go of something seemingly good and beautiful when in my heart it does not bring me the love I want, need and deserve.

The questions remain: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

AND SO THE BEGINNING IS NEAR

What seemed like the end of the story...the Love Story. Is really becoming the beginning. We have been hot and heavy for the last several weeks. I can't ever remember a time in my life where I had SEX everyday for a 2 1/2 weeks! It is profoundly beautiful. It is profoundly sacred and sensual and delicious. Each time we were...are entwined it is explosive. EXPLOSIVE!

But I could feel his discontent. His quiet references to his moving away. His vow of celibacy that he is contemplating. I have remained silent and stayed in the moment. I did not ask where we are going or if there was room for me and my children. Yesterday all the feelings between us about what happens next came flooding out. Our first fight...(the best fight I ever had) It started with him saying he was enchanted with me...that he was and has always been enchanted with me. And that he must focus and have a clear head. I was so annoyed because enchanted sounded like this was all a fantasy meeting...a chance encounter on his way to his life. I took serious issue and challenged him to explain. I stood in my life and was clear " if there is no room in your life for me and my children then we are ending this right now"

About a week ago he said: think about what our lives would look like joined. How we could make it happen and how it would affect the children. Everything has a time and a place. Yes. I said I will give it thought...serious thought.

Last night after the explosion (sex) we talked. He was annoyed because he thinks talking about serious matters after the explosion is not a good idea because emotions are high and the intensity is well..intense. But he did talk. He wants a courtship. Beginning with a 90 day serious series of discussion and honest sharing of who we are, and what we are willing to bring to the table. (90 days was my time-frame discussion suggestion) So after 90 days we will know if marriage is the next step.

A courtship? So of course I know this IS God's handiwork...last year I did whole post on being courted. I want to be courted TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: COURTING ME.

And so the beginning is near. We are going to court...he is going to court me. He is going to work on his goals for his life and court me.

The LOVE STORY continues...