Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Day 2 #100DayProject #LoveBabzLoveLetters

Love letters to myself. Sitting with a glass of wine writing heartfelt letters to myself.
It is healing and restorative. Besides no one is more romantic than me! 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

100 Day Project: #LoveBabzLoveletters

So I've decided to write love letters to myself for the #100DayProject. I am doing this because it's artistic and creative and revolutionary. There is no one coming to love me more than I love myself. I need to rejoice in my own heart and use kind and loving words on myself. Follow me on Instagram LoveBabz 

100 Days Project! Starts 4/19/16

What could you do with 100 days of making? That's the challengeL 100 Days Project! being creative! being artistic! Being Healthy! What would you do? Well, I am challenging you to do something!

Starting today April 19, 2016 and ending July 27, 2016 make something! Create something!
use the hashtag #100DAYPROJECT  I have an idea of what I want to do. So follow me on Instagram Lovebabz. I'll have a hashtag and everything! And THANKS to elleluna on Instagram for launching this and big thanks to A'Driane Nieves, my facebook friend and supreme artist for sharing this with me.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Sometimes Allowing Yourself Not To Want Is Code For Worthlessness

I have been acting like to want anything is to be unworthy of everything.

It came full circle this morning in church as I was reading the 23 Psalm... The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

I realized that in not allowing myself to want, what I am really doing is saying I don't deserve.

As I inventory my life I can clearly see where I am doing this. I am doing this with money. I am doing this with weight loss. I am doing it with launching my projects. I am doing this in seeking a partner/lover/husband. I am doing this just about everywhere in my everyday practical life.

I dream a good game. And then I sabotage all my dreams because I won't say out loud what I want. I won't write down what I want. I won't take to prayer what I want. This is not a want issue it is a deserving issue.

As long as I don't think I deserve shit. I won't get shit. There is no plainer way to say it.

I remember when I was a student at the School of Spirituality at the Mercy Center. We were discussing God and prayer. I was saying how ashamed I was for wanting to pray for things that were unique  and personal to me when there were people in the world experiencing real hardships and losses. That my prayers were petty and selfish and insulting to God. I really did think this. My loving and divine teacher Sister Patty gently said God can handle it all. There is room for all prayers. God is big. You are reducing God to your human self rather than allowing God to be boundless glorious God.

This is what I know moving forward... Sometimes not allowing yourself to want is code for worthlessness. Getting to this understanding requires truth telling to my soul. What am I afraid of  asking for? Why am I not worthy of the things I want?  This is where I have the most work to do.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Saving Myself For A Change...

Time for a break.

The death of my friend Regina Winters-Toussaint has caused me to put my well-being to the top of my everyday practical life list. I am doing too much and I am not happy. I am measuring my well-being by how much tiredness, loneliness, poor diet, dehydration and headaches I can endure daily. I am killing myself.

So I have to be about the real business of SAVING MYSELF.

I wake up at 3:00 am almost every night. For a long time, I just thought it was because I miss my mother. And perhaps some of that is true. But I think the bigger truth is I haven't been in love with myself for a very long time. So I wake with this weight of uneasiness and sadness and aloneness that can't be filled with civic duties, Board commitments, community activism, motherhood or masturbation.

Now this isn't news in and of itself... What is news is that I want to tackle it and deal with it and honor it. 

Oh, I am certain my upcoming birthday has everything to do with this excavation of my heart and mind. I feel the need to inventory my life and toss and or keep things that are absolutely joyous to my spirit. That includes people.

Here's what I am going to do:

1) Write my obituary and plans for my end of life

2) Finish my memoir

3) Rediscover the love I have for myself

4) Say yes to things I only want to honestly do.

5) Be an artist

I'll be back for my birthday. May 2. I'll have a blog party! Right here!