Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Happy Kwanzaa - Teddy Pendergrass



Happy Kwanzaa! Enjoy all the best of this holiday season!

I have to admit I had no idea Mr. Teddy Pendergrass made a Kwanzaa song. I love it! Enjoy!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Temptations Silent Night



The Temptations are my FAVORITE Group! Their version of Silent Night is the definitive version as far as I am concerned!

MERRY MERRY! HAPPY HAPPY!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My Favorite Book Of The Moment: Brothers(& Me) By Donna Britt

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this book!  If you are looking for a great gift to give a Sister (other women too) this would be a great one to get!  It is a memoir and a book on tapping into your own self analysis.

I had the pleasure of chatting with her on LoveTALK...see my blogtalk button on the right and take a listen.

Brothers ( & Me) A Memoir of Loving and Giving is a rich story of love, forgiveness and reflection. Get it, give it and LOVE IT!


Donna Britt





Thursday, December 15, 2011

Mariah Carey ** All I Want For Christmas Is You ** LIVE



I am so in the Christmas mood! I love this song! I never tire of hearing it! Dear Santa, you know what I want!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Resolution Countdown 2012: Creative Expression

I love artistic expression, however you wouldn't know it because there is never any time to sit and color, or paint, or make collages or anything.  I am always rushing here and there.  I am always shuttling children from this place to that place.  By the time I end my day, all I want to do is be still.

I have to manage my time to get in the things I deem important to my overall well-being.  I gotta get my art on!  I am no artist by any stretch of the imagination (or maybe I am...we are what we say we are), and I am moved by creating something uniquely mine.  There is something very liberating about creating something by letting my imagination have free reign.  I have over the years built up a nice treasure trove of art stuff... pencils, paint, brushes, markers, paper and crafting materials.  I am ready.  I have created some pieces that I think are FABULOUS!  Now if only I had more time to make them and perfect them.

My resolution for 2012 is to pursue more artistic expression.  To make time to sit and craft and make things purely for art.  Purely to satisfy my inner artist's desire.  2012 is the year I am going to balance responsibilities with whimsical pursuits of fancy.  Meaning all work and no play makes Babz DULL! 

The landscape of my life calls me to look out further...beyond the horizon.  I have always known the kind of woman I want to become, she is coming into focus as the years fly by.  It is astounding to me, the sound of my own voice and the beat of my heart.  It is time to go my own way.  I am in deed an artist and my life is my canvas.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Resolution Countdown 2012: Commitment

Commitment.  Truly one of the areas of my life that could use some shoring up. There are a few weak points in my commitment to the things I say I want.  I say that I am committed to a certain thing (insert... diet, exercise, loveship, friendships, de-cluttering, world peace)  and yet I fall short to staying the course.

Is it the fear of success?  No. I think the fear is what if I put in all the effort and there are no results and everyone will know that I failed.  How is this thinking possible?  I mean I know better, but there is a little piece of me deep down that holds onto this. What if I do all this hard work and nothing happens...zilch...nada...zero!  Intellectually I know this is not true, because any effort yields some result.

I have done this work of excavating old woulds, and past hurts. It seems I  haven't dug deep enough. I have to hold my commitments sacred. My commitments have to be my divine priority. My commitments must become part of my road map for my life.  Where am I going? What do I want? Who am I?  These questions are all connected. Can't just answer one without answering the others.

I am going into 2012 fully free in my heart, mind and spirit.  These early resolutions are my traveling bags for the new year.  I am making the effort to purge the negative energy, thoughts and behaviors that keep me from greater personal success.

Resolution 2012: Hold my commitments sacred.  Allow myself room to move in different directions as needed and as God would direct.  Believe that any and all effort toward my goals will yield success.  Accepting success as uniquely personal and of my own definition and not the world's.


Monday, December 5, 2011

TIS THE SEASON! ...Resolution Countdown 2012

I am LAZY.  Seriously.  Lazy. And I procrastinate.  I have all these great ideas and then I sit on them.  Sometimes I write them down in lovely journals.  Each time I swear I am going to follow up...follow through...complete...finish.  And what happens NOTHING!

This isn't a beat down post on myself.  This is a confession.  A real truth telling.  This is being naked.  I am LAZY.  I procrastinate.  I am watching my life go by like I am a spectator in the stands.  I have started more projects and finished so few. Weight-loss programs, plans, diets. Organization plans, De-cluttering, eat better, moderation in all things.

I am still afraid.  I am still self doubting.  I cast my vote against myself.  I keep waiting for the right moment.  I want someone else to come and rescue me.  I am waiting for a fairy God-mother.  I need pixie dust.  I live for the fantasy because my real life is shit.  This is where I am living in the realm of fear, self-doubt and cowardliness.  It is exhausting. 

DUH! I know better when I look at it...my life that is.  I realize that I must constantly remind myself of what I want to do and move toward it.  Wallowing gets me nowhere.  I am at the age where my friends and folks I know are dying off. I am 48 and that is close to 50.  I gotta get on my grind and make my life what I want and need it to be.  More joy, love, peace and happiness doesn't happen by wishing.  Action! Doing it! Just Do It! That's got to be the constant drive.

I had way too many epiphanies.  I have accomplished a lot. I know what love is.  I can't afford to forget where I've been.  Tis the Season of miracles and I am the miracle! I am going into 2012 with a jump start attitude of getting it done and it starts today!

So here's my first resolution:
  1. I am done with being lazy and procrastinating. What I need to get done I will get done PRONTO! No more putting off for later, or getting around to it. NOW!


Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Fight || World AIDS Day



I worked for an AIDS Project in the early days of the epidemic...late 80's early 90's. I started out as a volunteer because I heard someone speaking at a rally, and they said what will you say when you are asked what did you do to help? That moved me to action. I delivered meals to people with HIV/AIDS. I eventually became the director of volunteer services for my local AIDS Project. It will be for me always GOD's work.

What will you say when you are asked someday what did you do in the face of all this ignorance and dying?

Be a blessing. VOLUNTEER.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving At The Huxtables (Cliff's Wet Adventure) (Part 1)



Happy Thanksgiving! This is one of my favorite episodes...it feels so like my family now.

Wherever you are and with whom ever you are with ENJOY!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

OneRepublic - Good Life



I LOVE this song! It just makes me feel good. And the last lines are the best!


Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

[Chorus]

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

[Verse 2]

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

[Bridge 1]

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

[Chorus]

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
A good good life Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

[Bridge 2]

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

[Chorus]

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

(Thanks to Clayton T. for these lyrics)

Friday, November 18, 2011

Being Desperate Is Not A Good Way To Get A Husband...

I have undermined everything I said I would not do.  I have tolerated drama.  I have made allowances and excuses for a certain kind of behaviour that I know in my heart was bullshit.  All I can offer as an explanation is that while I was in the whirlwind of being strung along, I didn't see clearly.  I believed what I wanted to see.  I allowed wishing and fantasy to to be my prevailing thoughts.  I was stuck on stupid.

I wanted a relationship.  And I convinced myself that I had all this relationship work to do....based on what "He" said.  If "he" said I needed to work on X then it must be true.  If "He" said that I was acting like this, that and other, then it must be true.  I listened and listened and really did start to believe the bullshit.  Oh there were moments when I had enough and said so, but then I would get seduced...rooked back into a dialogue on the possibility of marriage and commitment.  I realized I was desperate to make this work.

What is this thing about relationship where I lose my mind. Maybe this was my real message, notice where I am desperate and work on that.  Perhaps this is where I need to put my attention...why am I so desperate for a loveship.  I mean I have a love list that I didn't follow!

Back to self analysis.  Back to discernment.  Back to contemplative prayer.

I do know right now that being desperate is not a good way to get a husband.  That looking good or almost good or maybe good is NOT good enough! Holding onto some one's potential to meet you half way is not a good place to build lasting love.  I knew this and yet I sold out.  Sure, history, great sex weighed heavy in my insanity about this relationship.  But I was annoyed and unhappy more than I was joyous and excited. How could I constantly ignore that?

Yep, I gotta leave him alone and get back to my love list, which is really getting back to me and becoming my best self.

Thanks Big Mark 243... you turned on the light.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Wherever My Heart Goes, My Head Must Come Along

I am daring to be transparent in my loveship.  I am going to share my feelings of what has been plaguing me since the beginning of the possibility of marriage.  I have resentments that need to be addressed, otherwise things will fester and grow and become larger than life.  Do I say what's bothering me?, or do I suck it up and let it go?  The answer is tell the truth.  If you love someone you owe them the truth.  If you love yourself you owe yourself the truth.

I have given him money every time he asked.  He seems to be in a financial bind all the time.  He is a damsel in distress and I am the Knight charging in to rescue him (and I don't have shit to give).  It's been over 2 years and he is still wrestling with the issues he was dealing with when we were young back in the day.  He is living in Baltimore sharing an apartment with an old friend.  The other day he was whining about getting his own place because of (insert any issue).  And yet he easily finds fault with my choices and my decisions.  Now all of this is petty and background noise because for the most part he is a man who is kind and generous and cares deeply for people.  He wrestles his inner demons better than most and I love the way he is very God centered.

I know he is struggling.  I know he is kicking himself for all the missed and lost opportunities to further his education, make more money and have better relationship with his kids.  We all are harder on ourselves than the world could ever be on us.  He is my friend and I care deeply about his well being.  If I say yes to a commitment will I be making a huge mistake? And can I get past my own fears and insecurities?

I am going to share these feeling with him in a loving even toned way.  I want to talk openly and honestly about what my fears are and what I see as I look to the future with him.  He is there and i am here so nothing has a sense of urgency or can happen all at once.  Plans would have to be considered, made and implemented.  Could we join our lives together? 

I do know that wherever I follow my heart my head must also come along.  I am too mature to be simple minded.  I am not a stupid woman.  And I am not trying to be so quick to judge.  We could be great together and we could realize all our dreams.  We could be each others soul mate and live happily ever after in friendship, harmony and love.  We could commit to being committed and work at Us 25/8.  The possibilities of love are endless, it just all depends on what I am willing to do on my part and what I am willing to support on his part.

We shall see.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Phyllis Hyman - Be Careful (How You Treat My Love)


Someone dear to me called me this morning around 6:00am to sing this to me. It has been on his mind for a few months. I was quite moved. I have been so careless with understanding the depth of his love for me.

Be careful how you treat my love
Don't you know good love is hard to find
Be careful how you use my love
Just be kind to this heart of mine

Darling, you've been careless
For the past few months
It's time you realize how much you stand to lose
Love don't grow on trees
You should have learned by now
Once you find real love
Never, never let it go

Be careful how you treat my love
Don't you know good love is hard to find
Be careful how you use my love
Just be kind to this heart of mine

My love is strong and true
I've given it all to you
Don't be foolish now and throw it away
What I'm trying to say
Let's be more aware
Of this thing we've got

Be careful how you treat my love
Don't you know good love is hard to find
Be careful how you use my love
Just be kind to this heart of mind

Be careful how you treat my love
Don't you know good love is hard to find
Be careful how you use my love
Just be kind to this heart of mind

This love we have

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Redefining Enough

We are tempted to define enough as, "always something more than I have now."
Martin B. Copenhaver is Senior Pastor, Wellesley Congregational Church, United Church of Christ, Wellesley, Massachusetts. He is the author, with Lillian Daniel, of This Odd and Wondrous Calling: the Public and Private Lives of Two Ministers


Everyday my church denomination ...United Church of Christ (UCC) sends out/posts a daily devotional called Still Speaking Daily Devotional. November 8 was on Abundance and Scarcity.  The line above stayed with me.  I find that one line life changing.  We are tempted to define enough as "always something more than I have now"  I am asking myself is this how I define enough? Is this how I have been unconsciously defining enough?  And if this is true, then I can explain why I am always fearful of lack.  This would explain why I am always desperate about money.  My definition of enough is distorted.  It is rooted in not being in the present moment. 

I have not been standing in my present grace.  The abundance of this moment is the blessing and yet I have been missing it more times than I care to share. I have put my attention on what's ahead and what might come, rather than looking at what is before me right now.  Right now I am well.  My kids are healthy and fed.  We have a roof over our heads today.  I have been worrying into the future and not taking better care of my right now.  I am not talking about giving up goals and making plans.  What I am coming to understand is that I need balance of creating plans and living in the present.

I have to redefine enough.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Good Bye Uncle Lonnie

I am on my way to Columbia, South Carolina. My Uncle Lonnie died. It is stunning to imagine my life without his physical presence.  I am doing the eulogy.  I have written a poem for the program.  I trust God will fill me with the most beautiful words to say.


Conversation.

The conversation began when I was born
of world, wars, love

He talked, I dreamed
of family, lovers, strangers, God

He talked, I dreamed
of career, passion, who shall I become

The conversation began when I was born

A rich running dialogue
of loss, remembrance, celebration

He talked, I dreamed

Dreamed
Of All that is
And all he hoped I would be.

As heaven would host him
Now I am
The talker
He the dreamer
And the conversation continues

Infinite

The way we know love to be.

Monday, October 31, 2011

The Way To Love

I am contemplating what is really important to me at this stage of my life.  What am I doing and where do I want to go?  I used to have a great deal of anxiety about this. I know it was because I was measuring my life up against other folks.  I was looking outside of myself for validation and definition of success.

I wanted to be a woman who could achieve and accomplish things.  I wanted to soar and I wanted to be great and celebrated. And for a  good part of my life I was!  I was everywhere, doing everything, all at once.  I was on a meteoric rise, my star was bright and I was becoming the toast of the town.  People knew my name, my credentials were impressive and I was smart and beautiful.  And just like that it all burned down.

After the crash and burn and loss of just about everything, I am rebuilding my life.  I am taking stock of what matters to me.  Who do I want to be now?  Reinventing myself is no easy feat and yet here I am transitioning into a life that I am crafting solely on what feels good.  Imagine that.

My challenges are still epic and my personal life sucks.  But underneath all that, in between the desperation and fear, there are pockets of joy...little slices heaven.  This is how I know God is with me.  I see a flower and admire it's beauty.  I know God is with me, when I hear my children laughing and playing unaware of the internal struggles of my demons.  They are happy when I am happy.

I am giving up trying to orchestrate a life based on what I ought to want.  Instead I am building a life based on love and good things and comfort and joy.  I have not had enough of that so I want more.  I am stepping away from controlling everything in my universe (being in control is yet another myth).  I am yielding  into the day, into my life, into my relationships with kinfolks, friends, lover and God.

There is an ease that I want in my life and relationships.  I want to lay down my weapons of war and struggle.  I want to stop arguing and debating my point of view.  I want to be in love and I cannot be if I take up the sword at every turn.  I am not abdicating power, or giving up my rights, or looking to be the world's doormat.  I just know there has to be something more than being combative and afraid.  I must become the very thing I am seeking.  I am on the path...moving in the right direction.  I do believe the time is now to fully commit to this thinking and sense of being.  There is no going back.

I have found the way to love.  The path is right there before more.  The path is illuminated, beckoning come, walk forward, take the step.  Don't be afraid, lead with your heart and bring your head with you.  What I seek is right there. There is no time like the present to step forward.

Friday, October 28, 2011

The "Closure" Myth.. a bit revised

closure [ˈkləʊʒə]n
1. the act of closing or the state of being closed
2. an end or conclusion
3. something that closes or shuts, such as a cap or seal for a container
4. (Law / Parliamentary Procedure) (in a deliberative body) a procedure by which debate may be halted and an immediate vote taken See also cloture, guillotine, gag rule
5. Chiefly US
a.  the resolution of a significant event or relationship in a person's life
b.  a sense of contentment experienced after such a resolution

I have learned that "closure" is a myth in regards to relationships and folks who ask for it...seek it... are misguided souls in denial.  There is no such thing as closure.  There is only what you decide is the end of a thing.  It could be the end of a marriage, a long-term relationship, a job, friendship.  Closure is a myth!

We think we want closure because we can't accept the end of something so abruptly or without explanation.  We think we need and want PROOF?  As if behaviours aren't enough, as if we are blind and incapable of seeing what is presented.  We act as though we don't know who we are and we need reassurance that we are not crazy.

Closure for some validates an affair or infidelity, for others it confirms what we already know to be true...we are not where we ought to be.  Looking for "closure" keeps us trapped in an in unreality that does not serve us.  I can't say that I ever needed closure.  I knew that seeking "closure" was a trap, destined to keep you wondering and worrying about what if and never focused on the what is.  People tell you who they are all the time,  and we just refuse to see them or accept them.  For example if you want to be in a relationship with someone and they have excuses why they can't based on their behavior, and you get it into your head that if they would just say they don't want a relationship somehow this will give you closure! Do you see how foolish that can be?.  If you love someone who doesn't love you (love is a verb and you see that they are not returning your ardor) and you ask for "closure" you are a FOOL! It's not what we say it's what we do.

We all have been a FOOL! I have played the fool more times than I can say.  Love requires you to play and be the FOOL.  It's when you refuse to stop being the FOOL and you are seeking"closure" is a fool's game.

We have to understand what we want and what we are getting and what we need to satisfy our soul.  Looking for closure might just be another way to run from our lives.. to not look at the what is.

I am meditating on this thought.  I hope you will too and come come back and let me know your thoughts..

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Start All Over Again - Dave Koz ft. Dana Glover



I LOVE this song! This is the song a Grown Woman sings as she is transitioning....as I am transitioning. I am moved by this song. It saves me every time I hear it.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

I Thought I Was Lost....

On my way in the world
I thought I was lost

was lost


i thought i was lost

I ran into the arms of many


some good


bad


impossible


ridiculous

and then I stumbled upon


my soul mate


waiting


wanting


me only me



I stretched out my arms...wide...welcoming.


wrapping them around my one true love


the one I was meant for


born for


will die for

Will happily spend the rest of my life with.


On my way in the world
I thought I was lost


I was not. 
and I found

my heart's desire....



It was always ME.


Babz Rawls Ivy

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Whitney Houston - I'm Every Woman


I am feeling very "I am Every Woman" today! Plus Whitney never looked more beautiful than this video. So I got my runway stride and I am ready to hit the streets!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

SPIRITUALLY GROWING UP

Sometimes the road ahead is a lone journey.  All those that were hanging around have faded away.  I used to be saddened by the loss of friendships.  I would lay awake wondering what did I do to drive someone away.  Why had the friendship/loveship soured and dissolved? I would wring my hands and heart over a failed attempt at intimacy.  Why can't shit last?  I would cry over and over what could I have done, who could I have become to keep friends/lovers?  I was whining about this just awhile ago.  Feeling all sorry and drained.  Hanging my hopes and dreams on some fantasy that I concocted for my "Happily Ever After".  I spent so much time beating myself up about behaving and being worthy.  Oh my GOD I made myself sick with ego driven wishes, desires and wants!

And today is the magical day it happened.  I had to SPIRITUALLY GROW UP!  I had to be deliberate in NOT thinking about me and my wishes, hopes and dreams and focus on my behaviors.  What am I doing to to live a more fully celebrated life?  Was I being a blessing to someone other than ME?

I spiritually grew up by realizing, that friends and lovers weren't leaving me...they delivered the message I needed when I needed it. They stayed long enough to bring me gifts and lessons and comfort if needed for the journey ahead.  They held the mirror up for me and showed me who I was and offered me opportunity to make changes or continue on for the continued lesson(s).  We always get the same lesson over and over until we learn and are ready for the test.  I have noticed the patterns of my life...folks have come and gone and come again.  What looked like abandonment and heartbreak, is on second long glance, gifts for my soul.  Pearls of wisdom to help me become more of who I am supposed to be.  Breaking my heart was not their purpose, teaching me a lesson about who I am and who I will become was always the reason for their being in my life.  I just had to see it from spiritually mature eyes and heart.

I am a GROWN WOMAN. A woman transitioning into the next phase of this life journey.  I take steps ahead and tumble backwards.  I am wise and foolish.  I am smart and simple.  I am beautiful.  The goal now is to recognize the gifts as they show up and be grateful and open for their inherent meaning. 

Always asking: Who Am I? What Do I Want?


Friday, October 14, 2011

PLAY SPENT

Play SPENT

Urban Ministries of Durham (UMD) will challenge the way you think about poverty and homelessness.

Work hard. Do the right thing. Homelessness is something that will never happen to me. Sometimes, all it takes is one life-changing experience to land you on the streets: a job loss, death of a loved one, divorce, natural disaster, or serious illness.

Next thing you know, a chain of events sends your life spiraling out of control…

How would you cope? Where would you go? What would you do? Figure something out, right?

We invite you to take the challenge… Play SPENT



What if you had nowhere else to go? No other options? No one to call upon? No network of support?

We all need somebody sometimes, especially when life throws you challenges. Urban Ministries of Durham (UMD) is where many turn for help. They have simply run out of options and have nowhere else to turn. They need help with life’s most basic needs—but they also need somebody to offer them hope, to give them a vision of a better tomorrow, and to encourage them to keep on trying and to not give up.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What Oprah Knows for Sure About the Power of Ego - Oprah's Lifeclass - O...


I am enjoying Oprah's Lifeclass. She is a wonderful teacher and I feel this very much. This thinking is marrying well with my spiritual direction. It is quite illuminating.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Inner Fire

I know there is more to a well balanced relationship than sex. I know that sex is only one part of a deeply rich and committed loveship. I know that there has to be compatibility, respect and love.  With that said...

I miss having sex. 

I miss making love.  I miss orgasms that make me scream to the top of my lungs! Ha ha ha! Yes, I am in a self imposed (indefinite) period of celibacy.  That doesn't make the desire for sex go away.  Perhaps this is a post for Pchats...  I am one of these women who can have sex at anytime of day.  I am always ready (except when it's that time of the month...although I used to when I wore a diaphragm for birth control---20 years ago)...but I digress.  I have never ever been too tired for sex.  I have never said I have a headache...even if I had a headache I know sex would cure it!  I am baffled by folks who don't make sex a priority in their marriage.  I mean really, in marriage you are your most freest, at least that's how I felt in mine. It was so safe and secure.  My then husband indulged my fantasies, bought me toys and dvds. I enjoyed myself.  Even if we were fighting, or mad, I would still have sex because sex was not a weapon. Withholding sex from him because I was mad was a punishment for me so I never rolled like that. Besides make-up sex is HOT!

At this point in my life I am not interested in one-night stands, or casual liaisons.  I am in need of full commitment and marriage.  I did my "Sex In The City" period.  I am not trying to relive that as a Cougar.  There is this inner fire that seems to be more passionate at 48 than it was when I was 28, or 38.  It is a new intensity that I like.  I don't feel out of control.  I feel very sensual and powerful.  I know what turns me on and I can articulate it.

I have a few fears about this inner fire and where it will lead me.  I wonder if I will meet someone who shares the same itensity or at least some of it.  I can't imagine being with a man too much younger than myself, but when I look at men my age, they are not looking very virile. Could I exist in a low sex or no sex marriage?  Oh intellectually yes.  I just don't want to spiritually or physically. 

This time right now I believe to be prime sexually fulfilling and I don't want this time to pass me by.  There is no panic, just a little fear. Sure Ia m channeling this energy into other things, I am a mature woman, I am not solely ruled by my passions.  I know how to focus on other things.  Right now I am feeling pretty sexual and orgasmic and comely.  Comely a very biblical term I like that connects me back to my divinity.

The inner fire is raging and I like it.  I feel powerful and commanding.  It is an untapped energy source that ought to take it's rightful place on the list of things that motivate me.

This energy requires further exploration and reverence.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Accepting Love Lessons...Or How I am Choosing To Spin This Break-Up

All I can do is is keep my bullshit to a minimum.  All I can do is speak truth to power as I know it.  If I want truth then I gotta walk in truth.  I feel a rant coming on and I am doing my best to suppress it.  I want to spin my annoyance into a life lesson learned.

So here it comes:  a life lesson is how I am seeing this thing.  His only purpose as I see it now was to bring me a lesson on being in love and partnership.  He is not and was not my destiny as I had hoped, dreamed, wished.  I saw what I wanted to see and I believed what I wanted to believe.  I tolerated, and excused and looked past.  This is truly what love ought to do, unless it is harmful stuff, life threatening stuff, soul breaking, disrespectful stuff.  It was none of that.  It was however, a mismatch.  We are of a different time and place.

I paid attention to my heart and mind and got the lesson.  He set me upon a path of relationship building that will serve me for the next loveship.  He is not the one.  How do I know this?  I know this because my thoughts are peaceful when I am not thinking of him.  Now that he is gone, I am happier and the future looks brighter.  I feel free. I do not look forward to hearing from him. I do not love him to my soul.  I love him as I do all humankind.  That will not change. 

What did I learn from him? I learned that I do not have to be an Alpha Woman all the time.  I can conquer the world, but when I get home, I can relax, be softer, purr and nest.  I can slip into a feminine stance and revel in my womanhood. I realized that there is so much good love in me that is waiting to be heaped upon someone.  I mean there is so much love in me that no one loses out if I turn my attention toward my kids, a man, my work, my church, my friends, charitable causes and community. They are all loved and loved fully.  I do not have to choose. I can love all with great abandon.

I have learned that I want to be a woman in love.  I want to be softer and homespun.  I want to be a yin to a yang.

When God gives you a lesson, rest assured there is a test to follow.  I am waiting for my test.  I am ready for my test.  I am embracing my romantic self.  My feminine she.  I own my masculinity, it has served me well.  It has given me a fearlessness that has carried me through difficult times.  I can hold it down strong.  Now I want a partner.  A real partner.  Someone who lifts me up. Holds me dear. Someone who believes that I am for him.

So I am taking this break-up to another level.  One that is more positive and in line with my spiritual walk.  There is not point in bitterness or anger.  A broken heart can mend, and the love we shared was real.  His part in my story has come to an end.  And I am grateful for the time spent.  I truly have grown richer and bolder in my desires.

I am sorry he is angry with me for taking this direction, and for not trying harder.  And perhaps there is something to that, if I weren't clear and didn't own my mind.  I am moving on with a happy and grateful heart. I have gotten a lesson in love that is priceless.  I wish him a well lit path for the journey ahead.  

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Steve Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address


This is a message that I needed. It's about adoption. It's about life lessons and it's about believing in yourself and just trusting that things will work out if you do your part...follow your curiosity, pay attention to your heart.

May He rest in peace.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Under Utilization of Expecting Miracles

I do believe we have forgotten how to expect miracles.  Or maybe I should say we have forgotten how to be in awe of miracles.  We all know the miracle of birth.  And the miracle of finding someone, or something we thought was lost to us.  We only think of miracles as a passing quirky thing we say when we find our team on the losing end of a game "we need a miracle to win".  Or if we are going through divorce we secretly whisper "it's gonna take a miracle to find someone new" Or as I like to say, He will have to come bearing the Ark of The Covenant. Ha ha ha.

We are missing out on an action step that could elevate our mood and change the direction of a situation, or how we perceive a situation. I am talking about the under utilization of expecting miracles.  Gasp... a very religious thing! Miracles are all around waiting to be bestowed upon us if only we would look for them.  I am not talking about Abra Cadabra Presto Chango MAGIC!  I am talking about real miracles, unexpected shifts in outcomes that we originally thought were doomed.

In my own life I have taken up the charge of expecting miracles all the time.  I am rooted in this thinking as I move through stressful times.  I have done all that I can do in a situation and now I must set my mind to expecting a miracle.  It has been my experience that a miracle isn't  necessarily an outcome we desperately want, but rather an outcome that is suited to what we need most.  Perhaps a change of heart, or a different perspective.  Miracles are about grace (code for blessings) and our ability to keep the faith when things seem their most dire.  I know we all want what we want, when we want it.  And miracles flip the script....what is needed will come.  That is the miracle.  That is the ultimate lesson in every situation.  What we want is trumped by what is needed.  And what is needed is right for that situation.  Sometimes the miracle is the lesson.  Sometimes the miracles is the test.  And sometimes the miracle is the loss.  And that is perhaps the hardest one of all.

Everyday I expect a miracle, and everyday I get one, or two or several depending on how ready I am to look and see.  I am breathing this morning...what a miracle!  My children are bathed, clean and fed...what a miracle!  I have been in love....what a miracle! I need to continue to provide for my family...food, shelter, clothes.  As I plan I am realizing that in this moment all that is taken care of... what a miracle! Tomorrow is for tomorrow and right now the miracle has arrived.  I am keeping this thinking close to my heart as I move forward and the possibility of losing my home to foreclosure looms on the horizon.  I am refusing fear and chaos and depression.  I am instead standing in the place of miracles and faith. Knowing always that I have been brought this far by faith and there is no giving up now.


Friday, September 30, 2011

THE GIFT OF 4 WOMEN...

All I ever wanted was to help them become who their supposed to be.  That is my mission, my charge, my blessing.  God picked me to be their mother.  For whatever reasons they found me and latched on.  They have saved my life over these 10 years.  They have given me a purpose like that of Mary.  It is awesome and grand and breath-taking.

Each one came with their own story.  Their own tale of woe and struggle and yet here they stand thriving and blossoming and happy.  They make me happier than I have ever been in my entire life.  These four patch-work orphans who are orphans no more.  I wonder what do they remember from before.  I wonder if they ever wonder about the time before this time.

I think of the women who bore them and left them, released them, walked away, had them taken away for their own good.  Imagine the kind of pain that pushes you to let go of your children.  I am not judging them.  I remain forever grateful for they have given me a gift that only God fully understands.  I am not better than them.  Yes they have their stories of abuse, drugs, addiction.  I am not better than them, nor will I ever be.  I remain in awe of their pain and struggle.  I know something about pain, struggle and redemption.

I pray that they believe their children are well.  I pray they know that God has not forsaken them.  I pray a mother's prayer of connection, reverence and peace.

I am a mother.  I am a mother because 4 other women made it so.  Four gifts from four different, unrelated women who have me in common and they will never know that.  Our path have crossed as I stood at the gates of heaven and received their blessed gifts.  There is nothing more divine or sacred....

...The gift of 4 women.




Monday, September 26, 2011

Stuck in a Blackbird's Groove


My Blog Sister Nordette Adams created this! I love the way she writes. I love the way she thinks. She intelligently blogs at Whose Shoes are These Anyway?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

MAKING THE PATH AS I GO

I refuse to say I am tired even if I am.  I refuse to let the pain of my everyday life wear me out.  There is nothing but to move forward.  I know how to seek rest and refuge in small doses to sustain me for the day ahead.  There are days when I am crippled and blinded by the pain in my heart, soul, bones and mind.  Yes the pain is deep and I swear I can barely stand it. But I do.  I do because the alternative is to let the devil win.  I am a whole lot of things, but a loser is not one of them.  Oh I can quit with the best of them.  But I am choosing not to.  I am consciously holding on.  I have tasted the sweetness of pure joy, love and peace and I want to live with that always.

I am making the path as I go.  There is no other way.  There is no map except for the one that God has written into my heart. There are always cross roads and flooded rivers and dark scary places and boogy men here and there.  I have fought my share of demons and dragons.  I have waded in waters that should have drowned me.  I have been cast aside, thrown away and left for dead.  I know something about pain and perseverance.  I know something about love and redemption and forgiveness.  I am learning to forgive the error of my ways and the choices I have made for bad.  I am trying to live without regrets.  And I know there will always be regrets, and unrequited love and melancholy, just like rainy days in June and lots of snow in December in Connecticut.

I am making the path as I go.  I am not sure anyone can follow it or should.  Maybe all I want is for someone to know I came through.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Adele - Someone Like You (Live in Her Home)



I heard, that your settled down.
That you, found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the lie.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.

You'd know, how the time flies.
Only yesterday, was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

Adele Someone Like You lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/adele-someone-like-you-lyrics.html

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead", yay.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yay yeh yeah

Monday, September 19, 2011

It's My Mind And I Live Here

Depending on where you stand in the world it may seem like the world is going crazy.  Depending on how you feel you may think love will never come your way.  Depending on your experiences you might think all the "good ones" have been taken. If it's Monday and you're broke, you may ask "why am I always broke come Monday?"  All that kind of thinking is rooted in fear.  It is not true.  You might be cash flow challenged, but broke no!  Lack of money is not broken or broke.  Money is not a fixer.  Your attitude about your situation is the fixer. This is not news.  But we don't believe it applies to us, because our situation is unique and all that mind changing stuff is nice, but I have real life issues.  Does this sound familiar? 

When we further examine our negative thoughts and negative talk we see that what we say and think are just not true.  I have been spending time really looking at what I say and think.  I have become acutely conscious of my thinking and words.  This is how I am learning that words have power in my life and that I speak my reality.  I can speak my successes and failures into being.  I notice that the negative thinking and talking is done so effortlessly that I hardly realize that I am doing it.  I have conditioned myself to attack myself, to second guess myself, to speak harshly to myself as if I am racing to beat the world before the world can beat me down.  I do it and I am the worst critic!

I am paying attention to my thoughts and words.  I am refusing to say or think the seemingly harmless stuff.  This requires paying attention and being aware of my thoughts...being mindful.  The power of my life lies in how I think about my life,  how I go about speaking truth about my life.

I am spending real time expanding my desire to be in control of my mind., emotions, habits and general well-being.  I no longer want to be at the mercy of my emotions, allowing the world to twist me up.  When I say world, I mean all those things outside of myself having power to make feel a certain kind of way.  I no longer want to be reactionary.  I want to be still and powerful.  I want to be calm and rational.  I want to be peaceful and loving even in the midst of chaos, uncertainty and fear.

It's my mind and I live here. My mind has to be free of clutter and negative thoughts.  It has to be the source from which my strength begins...I believe first and then I can act.  I can imagine and then I can set about doing. In God's care, a free mind, an open and forgiving heart is my goal.  To live in love always is what I am naturally working toward.  I am tired of the heady rush of the latest things.  I am tired of the roller coaster of relationships. What I seek resides within.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

KINDRED THE FAMILY SOUL-JUST THE WAY YOU ARE


I just love them! They are purposeful in their love songs and that is DIVINE! I am feeling very in love and they capture my sentiments. Enjoy!

Monday, September 12, 2011

UNITED STATE OF ROMANCE

I am by nature a romantic person.  I love cut fresh flowers everywhere throughout the house.  I love great music wafting through the house.  My kitchen is filled with dishes that I love love love.  I have pillows on my sofas that are inviting and comfy.  I have drapes from the windows that are luscious to the touch.  I am a woman for romance.  I still write letters on fine stationary scented with my favorite perfume.  I have a mountain of girly pillows on my bed.  I sleep with flameless candles aglow every night.

This is how you attract love, by creating a loving environment. I am naturally in-tuned to this regardless of attracting a love interest.  I like living around natural luxuries and I want my children to feel at home with nice things around them.  So far so good.  They have an eye for lovely things.

What I am learning about myself is simply do what I love.  Surrounding myself with things and people that speak to romance.  Too much emphasis is place on sexual intimacy as the end of romance.  I say that is not what romance is at all!  If you get a lovely sexual encounter out of a romantic evening great!.  But what I am talking about is living in a romantic state all the time.  A place of serenity, beauty and love.  It is a deliberate choice.  It is about saying every morning I want to walk in beauty and seek it out at every turn.  Yes, this takes some doing.  But it's the same energy you use to worry or get anxious and depressed over lack and perceived troubles.  Everyday you get 24 hours...we all do.  How are you going to spend it?  Are you going to worry and wring your hands, or will you lay out your nice china and serve a wonderful meal.  You already have this stuff.  Whatever your worries, you can't solve them denying yourself pleasure.  Your bills are not going to feel less if you eat off paper plates.  Drink out of your crystal glasses and feel beautiful and abundant.

I am going to probably lose my home...I am awaiting foreclosure papers any day now.  I know they are coming and I am expecting a miracle.  In the meantime, I am choosing to live in beauty.  My house remains picked up and clean and de-cluttered.  It is still my home and I refuse to treat it like it's not.  I am choosing to live a certain kind a way no matter where I am or where I go.  Romance is the order of the day.  I am united in my thoughts and feeling about this.  It is the United States of Romance and I am it's Queen!  I have the choice to live and be any way that I want.  I am choosing to live in romance, peace, love and well-being.  Whatever the challenges ahead, I have the ability to think and reason coupled with faith that all shall be well.


Sunday, September 11, 2011