DEAR LONLINESS... GET IN LINE, TAKE A NUMBER

The last several days have been quite illuminating.  I was stunned to realize that I am lonely...really lonely.  Not the I-don't-have-anything-to-do kind of loneliness.  The kind of loneliness that moves with you as you go about your day.  It is the looking up and realizing there is no one there to catch your hand, share a joke, cuddle with.  It's knowing you are alone and there is no one you want to be with, or anyone who wants to be with you.  I have great friends, but they have commitments and lovers, and kids and full lives.  This is real loneliness that requires more than just filling my days with endless activities. And wishing for some magical man to make passionate love to me.  If only it were that simple.

I think the way to move through this new awareness is to respect the fact that I know what I am feeling.  I can name it. Make room for it and move on and continue to do what I need to be doing.  The key here is not to stop and wallow and lament the loneliness.  The train has to keep moving.  Loneliness is not a pit stop.  Or maybe it is...for a minute. dear loneliness, get in line take a number.  There are other issues vying for my full attention and I am just one woman trying to make my way. 

Big Mark 243 left this comment yesterday.... 
Let the momentum pull you through... you don't have to 'do' as much as you should simply 'be'. The way is there and you know it, so continue on your path. Wise advice to which I am going to take.


I am not ignoring my loneliness, it won't let me anyway. I am going to continue to feel what I am feeling.  Continue building my life.  Enjoying the pleasures that come my way and be open for companionship, partnership and true love when it shows up.  Gone are the days of trying to mask the pain, or fill the empty spaces with foolishness and mayhem. I am done running.

WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET BLESSINGS CHASE ME DOWN!

I have been imagining that God is a taxi driver, blowing his horn in his cab outside my door waiting for my ass to come out. I open the door and shout, I am ready, give me a minute, I'll be right there.  But the truth is if you are shouting back I am ready, I'll be right there, then chances are you are not ready!

I believed I was ready for every good thing coming my way.  But the reality is, I have overlooked the forest for the trees.  I was wishing and hoping for good things to happen and not noticing good things were happening all along. What I realized is that there have been many gifts laid in my lap and I stood up and let them crash to the floor.  It is only in hindsight that I see this clearly.  I am in the middle of a grand blessing and I was about to chuck it away when I realized I was being blind and stupid.  WOW!  It is a sobering thing to realize you let blessings chase you down.

When our prayers are answered we assume they will be answered in the same manner in which we asked...word for word.   We get ready for the magic and block out all other opportunities that come our way.  This is what I was doing.  I couldn't recognize my blessings because I was looking for them in the manner in which I asked for them in prayer. I know crazy right!  It was only until divine light illuminated my path (meaning when I took my head out of my ass) was I able to see my foolishness and recognize my blessing was here all along... chasing me down.

This is new for me.  This is a huge learning experience, seeing what is rather than what I hope would be.  Sometimes what we want is so not in alignment with what we need.  That blessings show up in the most unexpected packages, experiences and people and if we are not careful and open we will miss out.

So from now on when the taxi is outside my door blowing... I will open the door and step out ready!

AT A CROSSROADS? MAYBE NOT.

Maybe the thing to do when you're at a crossroads is to stay right where you are.  Bloom, thrive, grow, blossom right where you are.  Maybe the choices ahead are not choices you need to make.  Maybe the universe is saying where you are is where you ought to be.  Until 5:00am this morning I believed that moving forward meant moving up or down the road.  I believed that to move forward meant I had to physically move.  When I realized that moving forward isn't about geography, but rather inner peace, commitment, discipline and willingness to clear my mind, I was totally blown away.

When Dorothy came to a crossroad, she asks "which way Toto?"  but in the end you realize she always had the power to go home.  She never had to go to Oz.  But for some of us we go to Oz because we don't get the fact that we have the power....right where we are.  We think because we are at a crossroads, that the thing to do is to choose one path over another.  But I am saying no.  The choice can also be to stay.

Running from life (insert problems, pain, fear, success, etc) often masquerades as crossroads.  I have run away from things, people, places under the guise of making different choices.  But the reality was and is, is that I just couldn't deal with whatever it was causing my pain.  I could not press on, get through or move forward...or so I thought.  As I look back I realize I was just running.  Pain, fear and vulnerability will do that.  You look for another place to be where you think all the pain, fear, and vulnerability won't be. I believed if I just move somewhere else, I will be different. But I learned that everywhere I go, there I am!

Right where I am is the place to be and that moving forward is a state of mind and consciousness.  The crossroads that I periodically find myself are not simply questions of which way.  But more like where am I and how am I?  The power to move forward rests solely in my thinking.  Right here is right where I am supposed to be today.

HAPPY EASTER...MAKING NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS NOW!

I know folks are wedded, lock, stock and barrel to New Year's as the "official" date for resolutions.  But for me, I love Easter.  I love Spring as the jumping off point for all things new and exciting!  Yes, I make resolutions on Jan 1st, but I am also drawn to Spring and Easter as a more realistic and life affirming time to resolve to make changes in my life.  It is so spiritual and holy that I can't help but feel the fervor of the Season...

Maybe it's because things pop up in the garden and hints of lush green things spring up all over the place...new life...new beginnings!  Maybe it's all the great stories of the Hebrew scriptures... Moses... etc.  Or maybe I  just need a few more months to get it together beyond January. Whatever the reason, I love Spring!  It certainly is a most holy time with Passover, Crucifixion and  Resurrection.  This to me moves me to a state of readiness about not wasting time...seizing the moment!

For me Spring speaks to the possibilities of all my heart's desires.  What dream have I let die and can be resurrected?  This is the time for possibility thinking.  This is the time to cultivate all those might-have-beens.  This is why I love this Holy season....anything and everything is POSSIBLE!

I am taking more than a few moments during this holy season and think about what dreams I have, what goals I have let fall by the wayside.  See where resurrecting something in my life that was long forgotten could inspire me to reconnect to my better self.  Surely this is the season of miracles.

Happy Easter!

LESSONS LEARNED AND MORE WHINING....

The level of criticism I throw at myself is outrageous.  It is so insidious that I don't even notice it while rushing through my day.  I don't even catch myself when I am rattling off in my head all the things that are wrong with me.  From worrying about losing weight, having enough money for basic shit, how am I going to keep this house.  I spend too much time thinking if I am drinking too much, or not eating enough fruits and vegetables.  I am due for an eye exam, and gynecological exam that I have to pay for because I don't have health insurance. Oh and I have to get back to my Dr. for a 6 month check-up for high blood pressure.  I am juggling all these 'have-to's" and trying not to have them crash and hit me in the head or worse throw more balls in the air!

So what have I learned in the last 3 years or so?  That peace is deliberate.  Love is deliberate.  Love and peace begin within.  That's it.  A simple message.  A simple shift in the way I think and go about the world.  Love and peace begin within. 

Paying attention to one's life is really paying attention to the smallest of smallest details.  It is the discipline of training your mind to be quiet and shut off the negative internal talk.  The big things in my life get the attention easily.  It is those seemingly small things that are left unattended to.

I am cutting myself some slack.  I know I haven't been disciplined, or kept my word on losing weight, or scaling back indulgences.  And I have been stubborn and whiny.  But still, I am cutting myself some slack.  I appreciate pressing on....soldering on....no pain, no gain.  I swear I just need to cut myself some slack.  Maybe this is more whining.  I am sure it is.  But for now that's all I want to do.  Tomorrow I am sure will be different as I continue to shift my thinking and move in that direction.

WHAT I KNOW RIGHT NOW....

1. The path ahead doesn't need perfect illumination, just my willingness to take one step at a time.
2. My opinion matters.
3. I know what the fuck I am doing....sometimes.
4. Love has no conditions.
5. I like who I see when I am looking at me!
6. I love fancy and simple foods equally.
7. I love a cold beer often.
8. No one can tell me how to be 47.
9. I love my alone time.
10. I enjoy having dinner in swanky restaurants with no one but my own company.
11. I like movies by myself too.
12. I love great sex...all the time!
13. I have a big imagination.
14. I daydream every chance I get.
15. I buy lottery tickets.
16. I really like champagne.
17. I do not wear stockings or pantyhose...will wear tights in winter only.
18. I like my own touch on my body.
19. I am in awe at being called mommy.
20. I love love love music...all kinds of music.
21. I adore my friends.
22. My sister is my bestest friend on the planet.
23. I love Ron.
24. I miss being married.
25. I love going to my church.
26. I don't have to beg anyone for attention, affection or love.
27. I really don't like meetings.
28. I can be short tempered.
29. I love my late 40's...being 47.
30. There are things I wished I just didn't do.
31. I love romantic films.
32. I like watching football, basketball, tennis, and NASCAR (shrugs)
33. I really like disco music...OOOO-OOOO..OOOUUP!
34. I love blogging.
35. I love my blog family.
36. I want to see Paris.
37. I know real joy.
38. I don't like sleeping late.
39. I love lots of blankets...even in summer.
40. I love soaking in the tub.
41. I love candle light.
42. I really don't like religious zealots.
43. I don't like bullies and I get they need attention.
44. I think so-called reality shows are hilarious and scary.
45. That prayer works.
46. Love heals.
47. Forgiveness is critical for positive personal growth and peace.
48. I don't like pets.
49. I love big earrings that dangle.
50. Peace is not in some far off place, but in the very center of me.  It houses love.  Yes peace is the framework that allows love to expand.

SETTING A COURSE FOR ADVENTURE!

To live one's life, is to live it without worrying about roles, rules and other people's expectations.  Other people's fears and limitations can keep us stuck and mired in bullshit.  Just because they can't or won't doesn't mean you can't or don't.  Sometimes you have to leave people by the side of the rode and keep it moving.

The moment you accept "this" as all there is, is the moment you have joined the Club of Settle.  Where you are scorned for wanting to live another kind of way.  To some it may seem like you're being foolish.  Perhaps you are, by giving up a so-called good thing.  But I have learned that a good thing is only a good thing if you think so.  It can't be because someone else thinks so and you are just going along.  There is so much bullshit out there that if you don't listen to your own heart you will be lost in someone Else's life story.  

I am moving forward without a clear plan.  I rather like that.  Don't get me wrong, I am not standing around waiting for a house to fall on me.  I mean, I am not so rigid in my moving forward that I have to account for every bump and turn in the road.  What I am saying and doing is moving along with a sense of divine guidance.  Without fear and reservation.  There is magic in that.

I have always been one for an adventure.  I am in the mood for a real adventure...nothing harmful or crazy.  But a life that takes my breath away, fills me with joy and happiness and makes life thrilling to be in!

TOMORROW I SET A COURSE FOR ADVENTURE!  Chasing everyday with gusto and vigor!  Me and my kids taking on the world.

STUCK

I have decided to change my mind about being stuck.  Even though it may feel like I am, I am not.  I think being stuck is really cocooning and any minute a break through is going to happen.  This is how I am choosing to move forward.

I used to stay stuck on being stuck.  I used to think that the only way out is to wait.  Waiting is not the answer and yet it is the answer.  I can wait while doing...tending to my life.  Being stuck affords me the opportunity to attend to the places in my life that are causing me a bit of grief or unhappiness.  Being stuck isn't a license to whine, pout and do nothing.  Being stuck is perhaps the greatest opportunity to move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION... and really end the negative thoughts and drama that seem to keep you mired in mess.


Change my mind to change my life.  Stuck? Think again, I may just need to flip the script and move in an entirely new direction.

THANK YOU UNFRIEND...

 In thinking about where I am in my life---This is what I have learned: When someone criticizes you at every turn for everything you do, think, believe and feel...they are not talking to you or about you. Their drama is inner turmoil and unhappiness. You are reflecting back to them their lack of drive, determination and boldness. Pray for them, wish them well and keep your head up. This life ain't no dress rehearsal for a better one coming along. None of Us has time to waste pondering foolishness, let alone someone's warped opinion of what we ought to be doing in our lives.  Look at the source.  Is what they are saying working in their own lives.  That's always the truth serium.  Is the shit they talk... the shit they walk?

Yes there are folks who can criticise you, and in love you can hear what they have to say. You can listen with an open heart to those folks who have paid their dues to be in your company.  They have been with you in the trenches and low times.  They haven't just shown up for the good times and feel like they have the authority to berate you about the choices you've made.  No sir!  Back up! Hold UP! 

Every encounter, every interaction with another person, is designed to teach us something.  There is a lesson in every story.  Sometimes we have to go back to move forward.  Sometimes when we get what we asked for, we find out that's not what we need or want at all.  Sometimes, the drama is just what we need to click the light bulb on to tell us, you can and must do better than this mess. Turn around and move in an entirely new direction.

So thank you unfriend, for breaking my heart, trying to break my spirit, using my kindness against me, and allowing me to see fully and honestly that I am better than what you have to offer on your best day.