Last Few Days I was Feeling Very Jabba-The-Hut....

Fuck the scale.

For the next 30 days I am leaving the scale alone.  I have given it too much power.  I have given it too much control.  It has become the thing I worship.  Once I step on the scale, my mood for the day is determined.

Fuck the scale.

I know better than to turn my mind over to my fears.  I know better than to fall into the seductive trap of the whispers that tell me I am not good enough...I can't lose this weight, I can't fit that size.  I am wretched.

Fuck the scale.

I am turning off the noise. Tuning out the whispers and freeing myself. I have to leave some things on the floor.  I gotta turn my back on some habits that aren't serving me.  I have to embrace more of my beauty and leave the negativity way behind.

Fuck the scale.

My fight ain't with the scale. My fight is with my inner demons.  My inner negative talk. I am rising above this mess and pressing on. Thriving forward!

Fuck you scale... I may see you in 30 days or I may just kick you to the curb permanently.

I Run The Day....Starting Tomorrow!

God. My Breath. And the Sky

I am not fast. I am not concerned with how far I go.  I focus on one step-at-a-time. I work to connect my breath to my thoughts. I seek rhythm. 

I Just finished week 3 of training for the 5k. Saturday starts week 4.  It is mind-blowing that I have been training for a 5k.  I do not love or like running.  What I do like is the sense of accomplishment of getting it done.  This morning I was so relaxed and so ready.  I was not concerned about it being hard.  I ran without my usual music pumping.  I just wanted to be in the moment with God, my breath and the sky.  This is sacred.  This is sacred and I am understanding that.  It is more surrendering than running; God is directing and I am moving at the command of the wind.

The sound of my breath is the prayer. 

I am progressing.

COMMITMENT IS LIKE A MUSCLE... YOU GOTTA STRENGTHEN IT!

The only way to get good at anything is to be committed to it.  Anything I say I want I have to be committed to going after it, achieving it and sustaining it.  There is no fairy Godmother who will come in hand me a life of my dreams with a wave of a wand and pixie dust.

EVERYTHING of value, substance and desire requires a commitment. I have to be confirmed in my mind that what I say I want I really do want.  And I have to move my ass in that direction.  Meaning I have to more than just make a cursory effort, I have to bring it!  This is where I have been full of shit.  Announcing all my wishes, hopes, dreams, wants, needs, desires, yada, yada, yada.  And then I just leave the announcements to hang in the air without any real commitment to see things to the end.  Hell, some of the things I say I want I haven't even put effort forward to accomplish them.

The change happens in my own heart and mind first.  God has been whispering to me from birth my destiny.  There is no more wallowing in the bullshit of my on-going, rational excuses.

There is no secret to my heart's desires.I have to take a cue from Mary Mary and go get my blessing(s).
That means meet the day with gusto, prayers and meditation.  It means working out and getting fit.  Treat my temple as a temple and quite polluting it. It means keeping my spirit stirred on righteous thought. It means be kind instead of being right.  It means operating from a place of love all the time.

Commitment is like a muscle... you gotta strengthen it!

There is no easy or hard, only a change and shift in perspective.  49 is fabulous and ripe with truth-telling.

Being 49...

Being 49: Remembering my life  and asking questions

It is breath-taking to remember over my life.  I am not doing it in a morbid way.  It is really just taking a sweeping look at everything...where I've been, what I've done, who I have loved, and what's next.  I can't say I have regrets about too much.  Yes, there are some, but I am a woman for the here and now.  I am very rooted in the now.

Even as I look back at the archives of this blog, there is real growth and depth.  There is great joy and pain.  I started this blog in pain with nowhere to go with this pain but to this blog.  I have shared my progressing loveship.  I am still amazed at how my heart just answers the call to love and be loved.

Am I becoming the woman of my dreams?  Am I making enough love in my life?  There are days when I feel out of time.  There are other days when I am so alone that it makes me sick.  And there are days when the peace of the house when I am here alone is just the tonic I need.

Being 49: My sexual wisdom.

I love making love after midnight and then again just before dawn.  My sexual desires are as strong if not stronger than when I was a much younger woman.  I am not in the experimental stage... I know what I want, like and need in a lover.  The best way to seduce me? ... write to me...sing to me...create something for me.  I am a woman of sensual delights...I am delighted by the senses.  Want me for eternity, give me breathing room, but come home at night. There are still ghosts that linger around.  I do my best to make them at home.  They no longer scare me.  In my loveship I am growing to love being held from behind (not to be confused by being fucked from behind..which I love by the way).  I am becoming comfortable with someone wrapping me in their arms and not feeling like I am going to suffocate.  I can talk about commitment and not start to sweat.

Being 49: The on-going, ever challenging, long-standing conversation with my head, heart and spirit. Always in transition.  Always in love.

Perhaps I am responding to the changing landscape of my life; the desire to stop desiring things and people that don't make sense. I am shutting up more these days, because people don't need or want advice, they mostly want validation for the continued foolishness of their lives. You know, always finding themselves in the same mess, with the same people in the same go nowhere relationships as if they had no hand in it at all!  I know this because I have lived this in my own life.  Being 49 comes with clarity... hard earned and hard fought for clarity and truth.

I am moved by the lateness of the hour to examine my heart and mind without benefit of a fine wine for company.  I am sober and calm.  All is as it should be in my life at this moment.  I'll leave tomorrow's changes for the good morning.