Monday, June 27, 2016

Weight A Minute...

I was not a fat kid. As a matter of fact I didn't put on real weight until I was out of college for a few years. However, I was always bigger than my Sister Lo. When she wore a size 0, 1,3,8. I wore a 10, 12, 14.  My mother thought I was getting too fat... a size 10. I remember her saying I refuse to buy clothes for a fat girl. I believe she was trying to motivate me. It did not.

Size 14 was my best. I looked amazing. I was modeling for plus size departments in swanky department stores. Size 14 was PERFECT. I could wear any 14 and look fabulous. FABULOUS! My height and this slight roundness was heavenly. But here's the thing, I did not know that at that time. I did not fully grasp how amazing my body was. I dieted. I ballooned up to a size 18. Depression kicked in. Dieted some more. Size 22. More dieting Size 24.  I am comfortably a 20/22 now. And I'm not sure I am happy. I am trying to embrace this, while creating an eating lifestyle change... Code for yet another diet.

I am more confident than most. But man, I tell you, the images that come at me. The no-longer subliminal messages that scream YOU ARE FAT gnaws at me day in and day out.  This steady streaming of "I AM NOT ENOUGH YET"  "If Only I Were Thinner" There Is A Magic Diet Out There If I just Look Harder". On and on and on until I am exhausted with self-doubt, lack of self-worth and just all out hatred of myself.

There are many days where my weight is not an issue for me. I look fabulous, I have great clothes that fit and are stylish, hip and sometimes sexy. Why am I so twisted about weight? Maybe I think I'm not at my best. Maybe I think I could have more, be more without the weight of weight. But wait, isn't this a distraction for what ails me? Just more things to get at the heart of.

Over the years I've declared "My Last Year Being Fat" look to the right of this post and see the labels... I believe there are a few years running. It is not the source of my underlying unhappiness, it is just another thing showing up.

I gotta get to the root of this weight issue and why I am carrying so much. I must because it's showing up in my spotlight begging for my attention. I've done some work, though; I've linked my sexual abuse and exploitation to this weight. I've linked a whole host of other triggers to this weight. Now my mind and body have to turn toward losing this weight. That's the journey calling me now.

For no other reason than I must be about the business of saving my own life, this weight has to be let go of. And If I'm not interested in saving my own life, then what am I doing really?  Am I preparing to die? Weight a minute? Am, I moving toward my own death? Weighty issues indeed. Answers are needed. A shift in body imagery and acceptance is growing in popularity. Can I jump in the discussion and maybe learn something? Share something? The weight of and in my life is trying to get my attention. It's time to listen and allow this voice to rise up above all others.

Photo by the very talented photographer Karen King

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Revisiting: What Do I Want Now?

I am always caught off guard when I am asked: "What Do You Want?" This question haunts me, torments me and propels me to finding the answers.

What do I want? Periodically I gotta ask this question... The answers have changed as I have changed throughout this big life. What I wanted as a teenager is quite laughable now... Oh, I wanted so little which seemed so much.

At each decade, the wants morphed into needs. And soon wants became fantasies and little luxuries of thoughts and daydreams. Somewhere along the way, I learned you can't have what you want. Settling shows up and became the new world order.

I am becoming acutely aware of the passing of time. I am solidly 53 years old. I do not believe I have another robust 53 years ahead of me. Perhaps 20 years if I'm extremely lucky. So this time right now has to count, be lived fully. This is what I know moving forward. I cannot squander my remaining days wanting and not having.

This is where it gets challenging. How do I do this in the midst of everything else I am juggling, handling, responsible for? I do believe this is the question facing many modern women. Trying to create an identity that is not tied to marriage, motherhood and work. I love being all these other things, but this is not about that. This is clearly about the stirrings of my heart and long-held dreams.

Is this transitioning again? I don't know, but I owe myself the opportunity to find out.

Oh, by the way, the blog is staying. The calls, emails, messaging was loud and clear. Thank you for those of you still reading my little slice of the world wide web.