Saturday, May 31, 2014

When Great Trees Fall By Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou

When Great Trees Fall

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
gnaws on kind words
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.

Maya Angelou 1928 - 2014

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Closing Some Doors

I am walking through some doors and I am not looking back and when they swing shut, they will remain shut.

There is no sense in hovering in the doorway waiting for a good enough reason to come in and stay.  There is no sense in hovering in the doorway looking for any reason to flee. I am tired of doorways... I want to come in and be warm and welcomed.

I am making my moves based on what I need for the road ahead today... right now. I do not have to convince myself to do anything except be brave and honor my heart and mind and soul.  With as much clarity as dreams can hold and be, I am discovering more of what I want.

The push back from the world and my audience of naysayers (well-meaning, but not meaning well) can cloud my vision if I let them. I used to let them. I am seeing past all that mess, looking to the horizon.

Oh Babz, Gurl where you wanna be, what you wanna do? Ugh. I swear I feel all gived out. I want to be more selfish. I want to rescue me more. I want to tend to my creative spirit a bit more. It always seems the day catches me short and my little wishes and pleasures get shelved for another day. Yes, that is the mother's reality for awhile until they grow up and on.  Maybe I am feeling the shift of my children growing up and on... and I can see little pieces of time freeing up and the more I see the more I want until I can hardly bear the confines of routine and responsibility and commitment. Oh another door is closing...slowly for sure, but closing all the same.

I am embracing all kinds of uncertainty... last year I was terrified of more loss and more hardship. That door has closed too. The fears are at bay and I no longer feel urgent...rushed..panicked or totally scared. Eh.

Off to enjoy the rest of this glorious day. Opening the door to rest and relaxation.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Happy Mother's Day!

Dear Mothers, Mother-Sisters, Mother-Fathers, Mother-Brothers, Mother-Cousins, Mother-Aunts, Mother-Grandmothers, Mother-grandfathers, Mother-friends,

The work you do is divine! One day doesn't even come close to celebrating the sacrifice and support and love you dole out everyday. But since this is THE DAY, then I invite you to accept the thank you!

Thank you all! The work of raising children is God's work. Mothering isn't limited to women giving birth. Nor is it solely defined by women who are considered worthy. We are all mothers.

Monday, May 5, 2014

OH NO The Poppy Field!

"You Can't Be Who You're Going To Be 
and Who You Used To Be 
At The Same Time"
T.D. Jakes, Oprah's Life Class

That is the dilemma for those of us who walk in our faith and walk in the world. The judgement of myself is harsher than any hell I could possibly be sentenced to upon my death... for living such a sinful life. Ha!

In my spiritual life as I grow mature in my thinking and in my faith. I have come to realize that the absence of sin is not the goal. I don't mean go and do all manner of things that cause harm and goes against God and humanity. What I am talking about is God cant be defined as the bean counter of sins. God's love has nothing to do with how much sin we have or live or do. The goal is always love. Love is the lesson. Love is the test. Love is the answer. Love is the question. Love is everything. Love makes you wanna do right and in doing right you get closer to God. And in doing wrong brings you closer to God... different paths same results... getting closer to God. The path of love is peaceful, joyous, liberating.

I've been exploring love for a good many years now. The kind of love that God calls me to....joyful, peaceful liberating. The kind of love that I have been running from my entire life.  I have been working to reconcile my spiritual growth with my longing for experiences I've had and thought I missed. My physical maturity is parallel to my spiritual maturing. This is so good as I stand in my body at 51. The realization of Bishop T.D. Jakes quote is like a balm and a punch at the same time.  It gives a name and definition to the uneasiness that I couldn't figure out... it is healing and tormenting. I can't be who I am going to be and who I used to be at the same time. Therein lies the long standing unnamed, undefined dilemma... until this moment. I get it. Now.

I suspect I've always gotten it, but tried desperately to dwell in the duality of that which is my life.  I want to do the things I used to do, because I feel like I missed out.  And yet I am called to a greater state of being...albeit unknown...a greatness still. The battle raging inward is about worth. Shame. And self doubt... and wait for it...FEAR!

Clearly the path is clearing for a new definition  that says I am becoming who I am becoming and who I used to be is of no matter any more. I am not interested in going back... or staying where I am. That's what I must embrace.  This is the poppy field Dorothy and we must leave. Shake off the tiredness and the overwhelming desire to sleepwalk through life. Too afraid to live bold and grand. Living an excuses driven life.  A life filled with lack and doom and gloom and chores and routine and drudgery. Of buying endless lottery tickets because to create your own abundance is too daunting. This is not about wealth but real zest for life! Deep breaths and nothing taken for granted. Yes, I've got to give up the poppy field and get over the fence and down the road to my destiny.