Season of Advent Day 1... Season of Hope and Expectation

I am a woman for Christmas. I am in love with the story of the birth of Christ... The lone star, the Wise men, no room at the inn and a mother waiting with hope and prayers.

What are you waiting for? What is it that would bring you joy? Are you where you want to be? Who's with you? Who has your back? Name your Squad.

This time of year is more than pregnant with glad tidings. Folks are suffering. Many suffering alone. I know this, I have been this. I have sat alone with goodbye letters addressed and stamped. I have sat with loaded gun and tears. I have sat with pills in a bowl ready to swallow.  How do we help ourselves and each other? How do we get to the next day. How do we hold onto a hope that feels like sand slipping through our fingers?

What lessons can Advent tell us? Give us? There is power in waiting and anticipating. What am I giving birth to in my life? Am I using my talents for good? Am I lamenting unnecessarily in my own bullshit? I have in the past. Who am I today? And what do I know now?

These are sweet days of anticipation for me. I am standing in a good place. No, all the challenges I am facing are still very present. What has changed, is my reaction to them. Let the chips fall where they may... I've done all I could do. I am doing what I can to champion myself above the fray of losing in this world. Happiness and joy can and does exist in between the margins of lack, loss and despair.

This season of Advent calls us as Christians to the season of hope and expectation. This delights me, and gives me pause for good things ahead. Not for fairy tale endings... But for fortitude and strength to press on with the belief that God is with us always. And always we are God's beloved.

Let us explore this season of Advent with great expection and hope. Let's see where goodwill and love will take us.

Amen.

10 Years Ago... The Return Of Babz

10 years ago today I was released from Danbury Federal Prison Camp. My SisterLo blogged the month for me while I was serving my time. My children, Briana was 10, Gregory was 9, Khalil was 6 and Margeaux was 5 years old. They were so young and brave. I still get teary just remmbering the day I came home and how Margeaux jumped out of the car and ran crying into my arms. She missed me... They all missed me and I truly missed them!

Here is the post my SisterLo wrote in anticpation of my return:

The Return Of Babz

Thank you SisterLo for hgolding down this blog 10 years ago!

All of this is squarely behind me. There will be no more rememberences of this time. No more blog posts, no more marking the anniversary (Okay maybe at the 20 year point). But from here on out, I remain free and happy! Thank you all for coming along on this journey.

Ten Years Ago... Faith Forward Firday (Saturday): Holler If You Hear Me...

This was for yesterday 10/27/17

10 years ago my SisterLo blogged in my stead while I was away serving 30 days at Danbury Federal Prsion Camp.

I found this post quite interesting. My SisterLo never took to church the way I have. So this post is extraordinary.

Here is the link:

Faith Forward Friday (Saturday): Holler If You Hear Me...

10 Years Ago... Opportunity Knocked And Broke Down My Door

On this day 10 years ago my SisterLo blogged in my stead while I was away serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp.

I found her posts to be not only personal, but quite insightful and they certainly stand the test of time.

Here is the link to that 10/25/2007 post:

Opportunity Knocked And Broke Down My Door...

10 Years Ago Today...Rambling Thoughts About... Road Rage?

I remain very grateful that my SisterLo blogged for me while I was away serving 30 day (29 days) at Danbury Federal Prison Camp.

On this day 10 years ago, she blogged what was in her head...

Here's the link:

Rambling Thoughts About... Road Rage?

10 years ago Today... True Love Tuesday: Love Money Can Buy

10 years ago my SisterLo held down this blog while I served time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Today is October 16 and this is what she posted 10 years ago. 

Click on the link:


True Love Tuesday: Love Money Can Buy

10 Years Ago.... Faith Forward Friday: Ask and Ye Shall Recieve... To a Point

The October 12, 2007 Post by my SisterLo while I was away serving time at Dambury Federal Prison Camp.

Sustatinable weath... Blessings and other opportunities. I so love the way my Sister writes!

Faith Forward Friday: Ask and Ye shall Recieve... To a point. 

10 Years Ago Today...True Love Tuesday: What Do You Want…Today?

My SisterLo blogged all of October in my place while I was serving my time at Danbury Federal Prison Camp. In celebration and rememberence I am posting links to her posts on the very days she blogged!

This is the post 10 years ago today by her:

True Love Tuesday: What Do You Want...Today?

10 Years ago Today... Faith Forward Friday: That's the Truth Ruth

10 years ago I was tucked away at Danbury Federal Prison Camp... My Sister Lo blogged in my stead!

Here is October 5, 2007!

Faith Forward Friday: That's the Truth Ruth

10 Years ago Today... Sister Lo And True Love Tuesday ( really Thursday)

While I was away serving my time... My Sister Lo held down this blog for 30 days!  Even now I am still surprised and impressed with her commitment to doing it!  I had a recurring theme for Tuesdays... True Love Tuesdays. She kept it up, choosing football! And let me tell you football at her house with her hubby is a real thing! Like don't call their house during football season! For real!


Here's Lo's post:

True Love Tuesday (On a Thursday) Are You Ready For Some Football?

10 years ago today...

10 years ago today, I surrendered to Danbury Prison Camp to serve a 30 day sentence. My Sister Lo blogged here in my stead. So, I decided to repost all her posts from that time!  She's a very good writer/blogger!

Here is the link:
What the Hell is Snarky?

Happy Fall!

These Summer Fall Days...

I just grew into being resolved about not dating.
Not stressing about children.
Not worrying about what is next.

I am enjoying the sweet moments of now. Oh yes, there are long range plans and short term goals and changing course and new intentions and dream chasing.

Always dream chasing.

The aloneness is not vast and scary. It has a new definition... I can do what I want.

I am shedding shoulds and embracing maybes and yeses! Saying resolute no's when I feel like saying no. No second guessing and certainly no guilt. No is a complete sentence. And means the same in every language.

Everyday I ask...What is possible? And I set off running to find out.

The din of voices who are contrary to my dreams and wishes fall on my deaf ears. I can't hear them. I have a bigger voice and a stronger song. I am living loudly.

I used to listen to (hims, thems, theys, ya'lls) with a longing to be wanted... Configuring my heart and soul into their desired thing. Ha, how absurd was I? Atlas, I am so done with raking myself over the coals for my choices made in fear. Instead, I forgive myself and move on.

October is coming... For me, that loaded month of memory and new opportunities all rolled up with the crispness of the air signalling Fall.

Where I've Been... Summer Joy and More

As I have  gotten older I have come to LOVE Summer. The hot and hazy days, bare feet, sun dresses and getting blacker!

Going to Jamaica was my reset. Honest to Gawd! I spent a week in the Blue Mountains of Jamaica. Landed in Kingston, which to my sheer delight was Blackity-Black-Black! I travelled with women I adore and love to the nth degree. I needed Jamaica more than I realized. Karaine Holness, captain of my Glam Squad and proprietor of the swankiest hair salon in town, HK; is the founder of Sistahs Jammin. Since 1999 she has been shepherding Sistahs to her homeland of Jamaica for much needed self care! I've been wanting to go for years and this year was my time!

Lawd, Black Jesus! Oh what a hair raising drive up the mountain. But once up there, you could clearly see God's magnificence. Lushness everywhere! Paradise. Seriously, paradise!

I slept better, I ate better, I dreamed better, I rested better, I was just better with each day.

Now I am back. Have been for a few weeks now. The effects of Jamaica are still in me. There is a new perspective on how I want to be in the world. Less stress and more ease. I am chasing peace in my spirit, in my life, in my deeds and actions.  I really cannot tolerate people who come with chaos and drama. That includes children. That includes potential lovers. That includes friends.

As I move through this life I am defining what peace is. I am defining what peace looks like in my day-to-day being. I have come far and wide to this notion of peace and how I want it to show up in my life. Good friends who bring peace and understanding. Potential lovers who bring peace and acceptance and understanding. Children are a mixed bag, but they do not get a pass.  They are being reoriented to my desire for peace. Soon they will be carving out places of peace in their own lives. And they will hopefully come to understand my desires and the choices I made for myself. Momming ain't easy!

Oh the challenges are still there. I am still on the front lines of battles and responsibilities and things needing my immediate attention. My reset has opened the door toward responding from a place of peace rather than anxiety and stress. Using anxiety and stress channeled in such a way that I am not hopeless, desperate and exhausted.

Time has always been at a premium and in excess. That is life. Enjoy what you can, plan where you can, deal with whatever shows up and stay in prayer about everything.

Serendipity Holistic Spa Retreat
Jamaica 

Markeshia, Dr. Jackie, Sharon! Kariane and me! A day at the beach down from the mountain!

Control is the Illusion of Fools...Yes, I made this up. It's Really The Season Of My Goddessness

I control nothing. I have little control over very little. And to that end I surrender.

Ohhh It feels good to cool my brain with surrender. Surrender on all fronts. I remember a few years back I wrote a post on allowing. Allowing life to ebb and flow as it wants to. It's like being at the beach and taking sand into a clinched fist... Just open your hand and let the sand fall through your fingers. The sand doesn't change and I still get to enjoy it.

Surrender doesn't mean abandonment of effort, hustle or commitment. Surrender allows you to fight the battles that are worthy and noble. Discern what is petty and obstinate and back off.  Sometimes you gotta just let the chips fall where they may and see what happens when the dust clears.

The fear lies in not knowing what will remain or show up once the dust settles. I have invited myself to allow the mystery of the unknown to become the making of the next adventure. I have done enough hand wrangling and worrying to last me several lifetimes. I am much more suited to surrender and allowing. I want ease... Directed and purposeful movement through my life. I want more peace and less "less".

I do believe this is the beginning of Summer. A carefreeness is showing up in my spirit. I cannot be fucked with by anybody... Not by banished-used-to-be-friends, not by toxic associates, or my kids.

I am surrendering to the what is and allowing the blessings to manifest into what positive energy shows itself to me. This is the Season of my Goddessness. Control is the illusion of fools and baby, mama ain't raised no fool!

And I Shall Have Everything

"I'd like you to do less"

And just as I heard this, it was like I walked through another door that has been waiting on me to come thru. I don't fully understand what "do less" means, and I have no intentions of finding out in my everyday practical life. And I certainly have no interest in exploring the thought further with questions. But what I can do is acquiesce to the request.

I do think the statement means less me..Which also means less love and less living. It means, my dreams can't be and should not be tied to the dreams of other folks who don't understand shared destiny. You are welcome to want less... Do less... Have less... I, however want more. And I get to define "more".

What I have been doing is dreaming of a life outside of my own for someone else. Isn't that what all lovers and mother's do? "I'd like you to do less" becomes it's own stop and go sign. A way to redirect some of my energies away from, and back toward something else. Isn't this how break-ups begin?

As I turn this little statement inward and begin deconstructing it for myself. I am reminded of what I know for sure... I am a woman in transition. I live with the understanding that situations are always changing. I am always changing. As I age, I welcome this understanding that my self worth does not rest in the smallness of others. I don't understand less, because I have never aspired to less.

The gift of less is a redirection of my attention and my heart toward matters that grow and expand me. What looks like crazy on an ordinary day is simply not the entire truth. I have come to realize I love my cart full. There is no one thing I want... I WANT EVERYTHING!

And I shall have everything!

My Lenten Journey: Hello from the bottom of the well and other places dark and stormy

For a few weeks I have been living from the bottom of the well. Dark and cold and way way down.

Being at the bottom of the well is not a new experience... I've been here before. Been there before. Maybe I am feeling some kind of way because Spring hasn't fully arrived. Or all the upheaval change going on in my life. Or the gaping aloneness that is crippling and I can't seem to remedy. I just know I am in the thick of it during this contemplative Lenten season. Although I must say I don't feel very contemplative. I feel very hollow. Very much adrift. Not a new feeling. I've been adrift before. Yup.

What I know to do, is just keep moving forward. Even in the pitch blackness of any day... I just move forward... Move through... Move.

I take that to mean that love is still the only true revolution...Of self and country. I possess a great capacity for love; it is stunning the depths of it. The height of it and breadth of it. And yet, I am a woman not in love... Well, if you don't count being in love with the world.

I've been at this life a long time now, I am not easily broken. I do however get very tired, and in that tiredness I lose sight of God's grace. God is at the bottom of the well with me. I know this now, as I have known this before. Wherever I am, so is God... Expansive and grand and deliberate. How can I forget this? Well, when you are free falling backwards down the well, God is not the first thought believe it or not. It's not just the bottom of the well. It's an empty king-sized bed, or attending galas unattached, or activities on your own all the time.  It is the end of a day and no one there to say hey, I did this... Or that...  It is the kind of aloneness that feels like a crushing punishment. And You are acutely aware of time running past you. It's knowing that "happily-ever-after" is not for you.

Hello from the bottom of the well and other places dark and stormy... Where is the light?

I know where the light is. The light is brightest in the faces of my friends who tend to me. It is the sound of laughter from my children unaware of my pain. It is the work I do on behalf of (insert cause and or organization). I have to keep lighting the candle myself. I am responsible for the light inside of me. I am responsible for my life on earth in God's care.

Standing in the bottom of the well, all I have to do is look up. Just look up.

Off The Lenten Path: God is Tired Of Me. I am Tired Of God.

For the better part of my life I have enjoyed and struggled with a strong God consciousness. I have never felt alone or away from God. In my life I have endured and come through some dark moments with my faith still intact. I could feel God's presence. Always.

Today, I am quitting God. This aloneness and desolation is more than I can stand. I believe God has grown tired of me. My prayers are mumblings of things no longer believed. There is a tiredness in my spirit and in my soul that plagues me. I am unrecognizable in my prayers. My voice is unrecognizable in my prayers. I have been standing on sinking ground for a very long time... For years. Grasping and grappling with God's grace. Trying to move forward in the face of loss and heartbreak. No, I do not wish that others ought to suffer in my stead. I accept my suffering... I have brought the bulk of it on myself. I do not ask why me? I do not ask why not me? I have come to accept the suffering as a part of the joy.

I have been lost before and have found my way. I have been sad many times before and have put my feet upon the path leading back to God. Not this time. This time I just want to be left alone.

I am quitting God for so many reasons that I wouldn't live long enough to say. I am quitting God mostly because, God is tired of me. I know this. I feel this.

My life is full of things I need to do to sustain my commitment of raising children and maintain employment. That is all there is. There is work and work.  Everything feels like a chore. Even the places of joy and happiness feel like chores. My breath feels like a chore. Even as I am sitting here grasping for the words to not feel so ungrateful for the life and the blessings I have enjoyed feels like a chore. Burdens that seem unending and relentless are suffocating my life.

I am screaming in my prayers. I am screaming in my conversations with people. I am screaming when I have to deal with one more avalanche of troubles. I am always screaming even when I am sitting and singing in church. I am screaming everytime I get on the scale. I am screaming every time I have to figure out what to do next. I am screaming nonstop and it is killing me.

I know I do not have the right to this kind of ungrateful purging. I feel ashamed with each letter I type. This is the truth I am standing in... Drowning in. I still marvel at the bigness of God. I am in awe of God in the big and small spaces everywhere I go. And I know my quitting God does not affect the sunrise or sunset anywhere in the world.

God is tired of me. I am tired of God.

My Lenten Journey: I am the Big Space of God

I was struggling with whether or not I should even "do Lent" this year. My mood was such that I just didn't feel holy, or sacred or divine. The world just seems crazy and I seem crazy in it. My attitude was piss poor and I was feeling quite desolate. More than just tired and annoyed and grumpy. Truly desolate. Wondering if this was indeed my dark night of my soul. My minister read my last blog post and invited me to not miss last Sunday's sermon. So I didn't miss it. My mind got back "stayed on Jesus" But in the days after that I begin to feel my whole self in all spaces I was in.

I have been struggling with weight for a while now. Hate. Acceptance. Hate. Acceptance. Hate. Diet. New Diet. Yet another diet. I know better. But I got to thinking about my bigness. Not just in size, but in the scope of how I am in the world. I take up a lot of space...Physically and energetically. My presence is known whenever and wherever I show up anywhere. I am seen and heard.

So when I talk about weight and losing weight, maybe I am saying that I wish I wasn't so big in the world... My world. I wish I could go unnoticed. Quietly move about this life. And then it hit me. God did not design me for smallness. And he certainly hasn't called me to do small things. And that the space I take up, is the big space of God. So the madness about losing weight shifts into something other than wanting to be small. It becomes about being the best vessel to hold God and God's message.

This is the tone for my lenten journey. Explore the big space of God that I am. For the next 40 days I will look where I am big in spaces and celebrate that. To see where I am my most brightest and shine brighter, not dim down.  To notice where my laugh is the biggest and loudest and add more of that to my everyday practical life. To spend time with people who are big in their lives, in their thinking and in their positive contributions to each other and to the earth

I've played small. I've tried being small. I have been small. I have sought God in the smallest of smallest places for refuge and solace. Now I am seeking God in the big spaces. I am going to see where my big spaces are and stand in them and be with God. Be with God in the big spaces. I am indeed, the big space of God.

Amen.

Preparing For My Lenten Journey 2017...Do I even want to do Lent?

For the last decade or more, I have been "into" Lent. Embracing this holy time to reconnect to my own internal faith walk. Seeking silence and solitude. Welcoming this time of 40+ days and 40+ nights to get in with God.

This year, though, I am feeling disconnected from this holy season. I do not want to be the church, or go to church or be in church. I am weary. And I am tired of people. I am tired of prayers. I am tired of longing and discontent. This is not my dark night of the soul... This seems more petty and less deep. 

Or maybe it is my dark night of the soul and I need to claim it as such. It's not lost on me that I am feeling this unsettledness and sadness now. Lent is looming. I know it, because I am programmed for it. Something deep inside is seeking a new message in spite of my lamentations.

Do I have the courage to seek the new message? What am I hoping to hear? What am I hoping will be a new God is still speaking message for me?

Will I allow myself to go back through my faith journey and rediscover newness in the studies of spiritual direction?  Am I falling into a jaded sense of the world and my place in it? Am I suffering from "almost and not quite"?  And, God when will I stop being on the losing end of everything? Or so it feels like I am. Yes, I see. Contemplative time and time for discernment is beckoning.

Lent is coming. Am I doing Lent this year? Ash Wednesday is next week. I remain open to the spirit of God moving through in and throughout my being. In other words, we shall see.

 

Dear Nina, I Am Sorry I didn't Learn This Sooner...

As evolved as I think I am... And I am. Past habits have a way of showing up. I find myself losing myself in someone's bullshit of a life and before I know it,  I am Superwoman holding up their hopes and dreams. Trying to make their shit align with my shit. What? Why? OMG!

Now to my credit, I have learned to see this mess in record time. When I sit through and walk myself through their behaviours, based on what I see and experience. I get to the truth rather quickly. I have long since given up talking myself into a alternate reality. Yes, an alternate reality... Code for LIES! All manner of lies!

I had to walk myself through some shit just recently. This time I could see myself clearly going down that path of holding up some muthafuckas sky. Mind you their ghosting behaviour wasn't enough... I had to go all the way in and get the dagger in my heart. Oh.  It's over now. I clearly see the light of day, all without wasting too much time. But still, thinking back it all seemed like unnecessary heartbreak.

I want to stay open and vulnerable. I don't want to suspect every potential suitor of being an asshole. Time always bears out who a person is. And honestly, who they are shows up rather early. It comes down to how ready and willing am I to believe what I see and experience?

Dear Nina, I am sorry I didn't learn this sooner... "You've got to learn to leave the table when love's no longer being served". I got it now. Lesson learned many times over.

Moving forward, I am done holding up the sky for some potential love interest. I am only going to respond to legitimate offers of invitations of spending time with me. I am only going to seriously entertain men who check for me first.  

My table is set. I am serving up love everyday. What I'm not going to do is act as though I've never been feed. I am not thirsty. And truly, I am an amazing partner for dinner, for conversation, for sports, for reading, for music, for love, for life.

A Dead Of Winter Break... Being Revolutionary In My Own Life

It is time to explore radical self care. Be revolutionary in my own life. I cannot keep up this breakneck pace of work in the absence of real pleasures. What the fuck am I doing?

The bigger questions looms... Is this the life of my dreams? No! Then how do I get that life?

I am going to explore those questions and get some answers. Time is of the essence. 2016 and these early days in 2017 have shown me that this life ain't no dress rehearsal for the life I really want. If I want a different life, now is the time to make that leap... Get on that path.

How?

1.  Turn off the competing noises... Leave social media alone for a bit.

2. Do more of the shit that makes me happiest

3. Read for pleasure only

4. Laugh and be in the company of laughing people

5. Be Vegan. Cook Vegan. Eat Clean.

6. Walk. Wander the world on foot.

7.  Write... Handwritten letters, notes and cards to friends and lovers far away.

8.  Enjoy the company of my women friends more

9. Make love... I have no idea how this is going to happen... I don't have a lover to speak of, nor is           there one on the horizon. I just figured I'd put it out into the universe and see. (well, will be more         intentional than wishing)

10. Rest. Rest more. Deep sleep. A real bed time. And naps.

11. Whatever else I discover on my way to my revolution.

2017: Intentional Like A Muthafucka

2017 Happy New Year! 

I have no intentions of rehashing 2016. It was what it was. We took some hits, we had a great many loses and we have an asshole, grifter, conman as the PEOTUS.

I am squarely focused on 2017.  I have two goals. Just two.

1. Health:  I resolve to respect that real wealth has at its foundation good health and well being.
This year my health has been fucked up. I have been sicker than I have ever been in a very long time. Not only that, I had to do a few months of physical therapy because I was experiencing chronic pain in my hips and upper thighs. I could barely walk. I cried a lot. It hurt a great deal. Maybe because of mild arthritis, maybe because of serious prescription drug interactions. Whatever the reasons, I learned that I have to get and be intentional about good health... Excellent health. There is no more room to bullshit, compromise and make excuses.

Every year I make some bullshit proclamation about health and what I am willing to do to get there.. I start off with great enthusiasm and before long, I have stopped. This year I saw first hand what poor health is like. I saw first hand what it feels like to be immobile. It took every ounce of sheer will not to get a cane. This cannot be my life, I cried. I've got to get beyond this setback. I realized that I have taken my health for granted. I thought I would always be well and healthy and mobile. The rudest of awakenings.

This weight has to go. I am not fat shaming myself or anyone else. I just cannot carry this weight into another year and expect to live long and prosperous. The plan will be to take all that I know and follow a plan of my making. I am not giving any more money to programs, trainers, potions, pills, equipment. I've learned a lot and I know there is no "magic" to weight loss, just common sense, consistency and commitment to what I want to be. Everyday I will be intentional about what I eat and how I move this body. Everyday there will be time set aside to move this body.

2. Wealth: I resolve to learn that money is a tool and as such, opens the doors to how I want to live.
If what I am doing is not fueling my bank account I am not doing it. If I cannot turn my so-called hobbies into income, I am letting it go. Wealth creation, wealth building, wealth sustainability is the only focus. Multiple streams of income. 2017 is all about breaking the poverty curse. I know exactly how I want to live. I am no longer interested in squandering money or time. Aligning myself with like-minded people is the new focus. I've had a lifetime of good times. I have tripped the light fantastic all over the world. What I have not done is secure my financial future. I must. I don't have another 50 years to get this right.

2017 calls me to immerse myself in business... Books, talks, workshops, webinars, and anything that raises my awareness about money and the power of money and investment.

This is the year that intentional thinking and acting take priority. Everything else is secondary. I am not saying I won't have a good time or hangout with friends... What I am saying is, there has to be real emphasis on not being fiscally broke all the time, like it's just the way it is. No. It isn't and I have to positioned to move in the direction of my fiscal dreams.

Two resolutions. Two goals. 2017. #BabzIsIntentionalLikeAMuthaFucka