Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind

As long as I draw breath, I suspect that I will be always the kind of woman that readily makes friends and invites people into my life. I am fascinated by people's stories. I talk for hours to people on a regular basis. There is always some depth that I want to get to with folks. I am always meeting kindred souls on life's byways and highways.

Being how I am, with always inviting folks to converse and being open, to discovering what we can in discussion and late night heated sharing and early morning hey you. Is often a prescription for experiencing different sides of people that they normally don't show to others. What I mean is, people can be fucked up in other relationships, but then they step into my universe and they don't bring that with them... until they do.  I was told incessantly "I am not kind" and my reply was always, "I believe you, but that has not been my experience of you". And onward we go, existing in the bubble of enchantment. Now, mind you, I can always feel the cracks in the bubble early. I can tell when the truth of just being, starts to seep in. Little annoyances start to become bigger annoyances. We are talking, but not deeply. We are slipping away from the early days of interest and intrigue. What is passing for friendship between us, is the mutually satisfying work... Me building my dreams, and you building another chapter in a life with great determination and focus. We are becoming estranged.

I hold few things to the breast anymore. I have learned to not hoard love or magazines. Nothing has changed. I love you. Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind. It is now my experience. I have stepped out of the bubble of enchantment and into the bright bold, harsh light of day. And all shall be well.

Each experience of enchantment brings me closer to a new me that I am so pleased to meet. I like who I was in relation to you. I am still she. And I like me so much. I don't know what you started to see, or how you came to the observations about who I am and what I need. I don't care to know at this point. Your opinion is neither here nor there in the overall scheme of things. I am wrong about people all the time. I am a fool most times opening myself to folks. I am my best self when I am living my vulnerabilities; this is the space I want to be in.

The riches of life are such that, you can meet a perfect stranger one day, make friends, do creative things and love and not love and love a bit more and move on.

Nothing has changed. Except, I now accept that you are unkind. And that my friend is the greatest gift. The gift of walking in truth and believed.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

I Am The Worst Kind Of Fool...

At some point, I gotta let go of all hope of some magical man showing up. At some point, I gotta resign myself to the truth of things as they are right this minute. There is no one out there for me at the moment. Hasn't been for a very long time.

I don't know how to be anything else. I do not know how to become someone else. A she that is more desirable, more beautiful, thinner, taller, smaller in some places, bigger in others. I don't know how to be a she that someone wants above all others. At 53, I gotta stop looking into the eyes of men who look past me. Men whose gaze is for a she that I don't happen to be. A she that is on his wish list.

I am a 53-year-old Sister. Witty, highly intelligent, a go-getter, funny, engaging, and on some occasions considered quite pretty. I am always beautiful I believe. So I am not wallowing in some kind of self-pity soup. I am weary of going out and being on display hoping someone will notice me. Pick me. Engage me. See me and be in awe of my being.

I am the worst kind of fool... Magical, sparkly and effervescent. I see the goodness everywhere. I am a girl for a silver lining on the rainiest days. And yet, here I sit and type about the aloneness of my life. A life filled with so much that I am overwhelmed on any given day with, goings-on, happenings, good times, all manner of fetes!

I don't want to be wallowing in sadness. This isn't about sadness. It is about aloneness. The kind of aloneness I experience when I wake in the night and there is no one to roll into. Aloneness where there is no one to talk to, laugh with, joke with, work shit out with.

I have fine people in my life. People who bring me joy, and peace and happiness and fun, and camaraderie and sisterhood. I just have to quit wishing for a different reality. Embrace what is and turn my attention toward things I have some real influence and impact on.

It is time to give up the notion of whatever I was hoping and wishing for. I'm good with this. The aloneness stays. The aloneness stays and has a place at the table. This chapter closes.

Photo: Karen King
Make-up: Winter Carson
Hair: Hair's Kay Salon & Sangerster Barber.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Redefining My Being When Things Fall Apart

I am not new to my life crashing down around me. I can count using both hands the number of times my life fell to the ground on fire, or shattered, or drowned, or crumbled, or just fell apart. It is doing that now. And here I stand to survey the rubble... or about to survey the rubble. Can I tell you that the fight to hold up my world has left me? I do not have the energy or the will to swim against the tide. This time, I am surrendering quickly and serenely.  Surrendering not because I am weak and I can't fight. But that the fight is different. I am different. My strength is needed elsewhere.

In the days and weeks and months ahead, my life will change. It is my plan to go with the flow. To retire my battle armor and move in a different direction. I am not here for the court of public opinion. Been there done that. I am not here for the feigned humiliation of loss. Been there, done that too. What I want more than anything is to be untethered to time, space and place.

I am a very different woman now. Even as I look back over the years of this blog, I can see real growth and revelations and illuminations. The path was always lit enough to step forward albeit timidly, but most often boldly.

I am not going to get all twisted about the coming storm. I am not going to panic (which I never do anyway). I am not going to wring my hands and lay awake worrying, crying, pleading with God for a more favorable outcome. What I am going to do is move with as much grace as I can. I am going to be calm and thoughtful about the moves I make. And I will not be hasty in any decisions moving forward. I am at my best with a calm and cool mind.

So as the world around me crashes once again. I'll be ready to climb up and out. That is how I'm made. Resilient. Bold. Unafraid.