Thursday, October 30, 2008


YES! I am riding shot gun with Kelso! and the veritable Dr. Torrance Stephens on his new radio talk show: RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO

It debuts tonight at 11:00pm est.
Call IN: 347. 324. 5722
The Chat Room will be open!

And did I mentioned I am the Executive Producer! Yeah Baby! OK it took me 2 months or so to convince/lobby/cajole Torrance to take his blog content from Raw Dawg Buffalo to the radio. And trust me, it was no easy feat, but I wore him down. Me and Kevin Ross, who also has a show on blogtalk radio did our best to strongly suggest he give it a run.

Now the best thing is we also got Kelso to get down with us. You know Kelso, the very deep and very knowledgeable contributor to The Disbrimstone-Daily Pitchfork...Hell's Leading Daily Newspaper. He will be adding his fine mind and strong sense of business, sports and world views to the round table.

You already know it's going to be hot. This ain't for the faint at's RAW!

Tonight's topic:
Round table discussion on events leading up to the American election season 2008. What does Obama-Biden have to deal with if voted into office?

347. 324. 5722

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Yesterday I got some news that hurt a bit. Instead of dwelling on it and crying for hours and hours. I regrouped and changed my mind about "why". Yes I cried a little...just a little...barely. I realized that it was a small thing.

I have survived...overcome a great deal. How could I let a small disappointment undo all my progress? I mean I realized that nothing in my life changed based on that disappointment. I didn't give it any more energy. I didn't go back and think what could I have done to change the outcome. Doing that is a real waste of time. Now onto the next thing. Onto the next goal. opportunity, dream.

As my Crush loves to say...You create your reality. I used to be baffled by that statement. I could not wrap my brain around it. But I tell you it is clear to me now. Change your mind to change your life. What's on your mind is reflected in your life---that goes for people, things, books, activities. All those things reflects what is on your mind. YES!

So letting a small disappointment stump me, trip me, send me into a funk does not serve me or my spirit. That's it. And you know it's not about small or large disappoinment. It is any perceived disappointment.

I have come far. I have endured much and here I am standing in love. In grace. In full awareness of myself. I feel wise today...unexpectedly so.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


There is more to me than what's on the surface. That's true for everyone. We are not the superficial. We are not our clothes, our hair, our education, our home, our cars. If we are willing to dig deeper, who we really are will emerge. If we are looking for love or better still open to love then we have to be willing to go deeper.

Love is not simply flowers and cards. Love is extending yourself to another. It is not ONLY sex, or kissing, or touching. All nice and very much appreciated. Love is deeper. You cannot get there from shallow ground. Love requires each of US to go deeper in our selves and for others.

We can all love folks when times are great, when nothing is asked of our hearts. It requires a deeper commitment to love one another in the midst of hard times...when we are not our very best, when our flaws are showing, when we are at our weakest and lowest.

I am challenging myself to dig deeper, to discern further, my commitment to love and loveships.

Monday, October 27, 2008


I gotta let my Sister Vanessa Williams tell you what I mean!

Work To Do lyrics

I can't wait to get home to you
I got so much work to do, work
I'm taking care of business baby can't you see
I gotta make it for you, and I gotta make it for me
Sometimes it may seem boy I'm neglecting you
But I'd love to spend more time
But I got so much to do
Ooh, I got work to do, I got work baby
I got work to do, I got a job yeah
I got work to do, said I got work to do
Oh I'm out here trying to make it baby can't you see
It takes a lot of money to make it let's talk truthfully
So keep your love light burning
Oh you gotta have a little faith
You might as well get used to me coming home a little late, oh
Ooh, I got work to do, I got work baby
I got work to do, I got a job yeah
I got work to do, said I got work to do
I can't wait to get home to you
I got so much work to do

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Listening to Patricia Barber...Late Afternoon And You. It's 1:00 am. I am up drinking my favorite Merlot and listening to jazz as the rain dances outside my window. This is definitely making love time. There is something about the force and pounding of rain that immediately puts me in the mood for la amour...

I like thinking that someday I will have a lover. I am not pressed by it. Nor am I anxious. Not like I was this past summer. This past summer I was thinking that if I took a lover then that alone would put some distance between me and my marriage. It does not. Or better still, I can't say really, since I have not made love to another man since my soon-to-be Ex.

So I think of other things. I am happy to think of other things. I do not want a casual liaison. When I do share this body with another soul it will be because I want to... because they are special. I am clear about that. I have to be in love. I HAVE TO BE IN LOVE. And I am not pressed or daunted by not having that right now. I am convinced that I shall.

So this midnight hour I am listening to Jazz and sipping my favorite wine and listening to music that stirs my divine. The rain is shall have what you shall get what you need.

That sits well with me. It is very true as I know my truth to be. I can feel the successes in love and life and living and growing around me for me.

Friday, October 24, 2008


A couple days ago I was listening to Dr. Robin on XM radio...Oprah & Friends. She stated that we spend too much time trying to win people over. To win people to love us. That statement stopped me cold in my tracks. Because I am one of those kind of people. I am one of those people that will work hard at trying to win some one's affection. Now mind you, I have been married for 12 years, but in looking back at past loveships I can clearly see how that was my miss-step. Hhhmm... (insert eco-friendly LIGHT BULB!)

So in moving myself forward, that awareness is quite illuminating. It is a flaw that I can correct now that I see it. Paying attention and being tuned in to my insecurities will beat back this beast. It is a level of mindfulness for everyday. It is a pattern of behaviour that speaks to feeling not good enough. That is the root. So instead of letting a special someone see me, I add all the niceties so that the real me is camouflaged? Because I subconsciously don't believe I am enough as is.

Ding Ding Ding...I WIN! I GET IT! The shift in my thinking today forward will be how can I win myself over. Or better still, I will win myself over for myself. I am good enough. I love my own company and I think I am pretty doggone FABULOUS...flaws and all!

Friday, October 17, 2008


All shall be well. And all shall be well. All is well.

I am going to take some time away from the blog sphere. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is upsetting me. I need to redirect my energies into a few projects to get them launched. I am working on my discipline and to do that you must DO!

I will not be checking email, or twittering. I will however be checking my baby PChats.

I will be back in a week or so.

Be in love and be loving.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter (computer, notebook, digital recorder) is excellent discipline for a writer.

I have big dreams and lofty goals. I have motivational tools in abundance. I am a student of love and loving. But what I lack for success is DISCIPLINE! So with all that said am I just talking shit if I can't make things happen in my life? Who do I think will make things happen...elves?

I am thinking about this as I look at all the projects that I am undertaking. What I am seeing is a real fear of success. The little voice whispering...Oh why bother, you can't, you will fail. It is soft and gentle. The whispering doubt requires me to listen closely to the words of negativity and I do. I can hear the faint whispers and I bend lower to hear it all. I am seeing myself do this over and over again. I have noticed how I talk myself out of shit before I even give myself a chance to explore the possibilities.

This is my defining moment. Where I am now, is setting the ground work for the next phase of my big life. What I do now will set the tone for my next commitment. To get what I want, I have to do what I have not done for a steadfast and unwavering. Disciplined in my mind and actions.

Today I am becoming disciplined. I am starting with my surroundings and then onto my mind and spirit. My hopes and wishes and dreams will NOW be louder than the doubts, fears and self-sabotage.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


My children are not hungry. We are not poor and we are not in need of basic staples for survival. We have shelter, food, clothing and running water. I am not wringing my hands over where the next meal will come from, nor do I have to make the decision to choose food over medicine. Not only am I OK, I have a village of folks who are concerned about my welfare and that of my children everyday. I am no more blessed than the person struggling to live inspite of poverty, or families that do not have my village of caring folks to support and stand in the gaps.

Today I am blogging with Blog Action Day 08 to raise awareness about poverty and to begin to end poverty in the world RIGHT NOW.

A part of poverty for me that causes me great concern is hunger. I HATE the thought that there are folks right here in my City that go to bed without a meal. I HATE the thought that families are making decisions about how many meals they can get by on. We must not allow poverty to exist another day!

We must stand in the gaps for our Brothers and Sisters who are in need. We must do what we can where we are in our communities. Think Global, ACT local.

Use today to act on what YOU can do to lend your voice, talents and helping hands to ending poverty in our lifetime.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


I spent the better part of my early adult life at odds with her. Hating her. I blamed her and held her solely responsible for not protecting me. For not believing me. For choosing Him over me. I looked upon her with the eyes of a woman trapped in a child's memory, carrying a whore's shame. I put all my pain and all my ignorance and all my nastiness on her and she took it.

What I have learned over the course of my life is that forgiveness doesn't free the other person it frees you. I understand and can see what she was like and why she made the choices she did. What my father did to me was vile. What he did to her was equally vile. She made choices at a time when the choices were limited. But my post isn't about this.

My mother would have been 68 today. She was one of those people who went through the world always grateful to be alive. Always a smile on her face and a song in her heart. I made peace with her a few years before she died. We were settling into Mother with Grown Daughter roles. It was comforting. I was becoming my own woman and she was nodding in approval.

I miss her everyday. I can feel her presence when I am attending to the children or cooking a big fancy dinner.

I have 4 children not to prove I am a better mother than she...I am NOT. But to do what was not done for me...protect. My mother was selfless in a way that I am not. She was courageous in ways that I am not. She was strong and I am too. She was faithful and I am too.

This day is heavy with remembrance and celebration and few regrets. I loved her and she knew it. She loved me and I knew it. I know it.

There is more to say about my mother. For now I will settle for this post. I will spend the day thinking about her in prayer and perhaps go to her grave site and cry and laugh. Feeling her with me always.

Monday, October 13, 2008


I am celebrating a series of events unfolding in my life this very minute that are divine. The very things that I had dreamed of are coming forth. They are lining up awaiting my immediate attention. I have stood in the place of preparation and prayer and I am ready.

This is my moment to release. To step into my right now. To walk in love and be loving. I am not afraid. I am not shy. My boldness is driving me in a way never seen before.

I am listening to my own voice shouting GO! GO! GO! live free, live on your own terms and LOVE!

Over the next few weeks I will be in my glory. I will be living out some long kept dreams. I am not ready to say what they are yet. I want to celebrate them in my alone-ness for a while. But I am tickled pink about them.

Oh yes and I told my Crush that I LOVED him. That was huge for me. I did it with a big heart and no expectation of hearing him say it back. It is amazing the heart's capacity for love. It frees me and lets me KNOW that I am loving. It is a beautiful thing loving folks. It ties me deeper to my humanity and strongly connects me to my faith. I do not have to do anything spectacular except keep an open heart.

I am seizing the day! I am in this moment the happiest I have been in a very long time. I only have to look back to last year at this time to see God's handiwork in my life. Oh I know what grace is and I am fully in awe and reverence of the gift that is my life.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Saturday was one of the most perfect days ever! The weather was dreamy and warm. The skies were the best blue I have ever seen.

I rode my bike, Stinky-Pinky with the kids around the neighborhood today. It is a single gear baby with brakes in the pedals...old school. She has a basket and a bell on the handle bars. I LOVE her! Today was the first day I had her out all summer. She had flat tires. My Sister-Friend RMG who lives down the street has a serious air-pump...her husband does really. So I called her up and said I need air. The kids and I walked my baby down to her house and put air in her tires. Man getting on her was like BUTTAH! Oh I love this bike. I cruised and raced with the kids all afternoon.

Later my Sister-friend JB came over with her son to hang out. I lit a fire in the backyard fireplace and we sat outside under the beautiful moon and talked and talked. The kids were watching Disney Halloween movies...very non-scary! It was the most perfect night. I think it was too chilly for JB, but not for me.

Last but not least, the most amazing telephone conversation I've had in a very long time took place. It is without a doubt life changing...well it will be over time. It is a dream un-deferred. Thank you KW! You have no idea what a leap of faith I am about to take...well you do, because this is what you

The day laid out before me all the possibilities of a life of simple pleasures, giggling children, good friends, dreams realized and me fully present in the moment.

Oh and my bike is a Simple bicycle...really that's its divine.

Friday, October 10, 2008


I want to hear a man say to me, LoveBabz I am for you! Truly. I appreciate folks wanting to hear I love you. I do. But for me at this place in this big life. I need to know someone is on my side, watching my back, cheering me on, building me up, loving me with deeds and actions.

Everyday in my marriage I heard I love you. My ex was freely throwing it around. But his actions were not loving. So the words began to ring hollow. The words I love you are not hollow to me now, but I have learned that I need to hear and feel, LoveBabz I am for you. That speaks to love and to commitment and staying power.

I am a WOMAN for action. Words are only as solid and strong as the deeds that follow. It is not enough to speak of love, I want and need acts of love. I want the same as I am willing to give.

If I love you, you will know it. If you love me, I will know it.

Thursday, October 9, 2008


What to do with all the feelings of inadequacy? The feelings of not doing a good enough job.

I am crying again. I am feeling a bit out of sorts..not crazy mind you. Just out of sorts. Sometimes shit can happen that can spin you around and make you think your judgement is off. That's about where I am right now. It's not one single thing, but a lot of little things. Lots of little heartbreaks. Unkind words, neglect, inattention, and indifference and small cruelties.

I feel them all.

I do not imagine myself a weak woman. I am actually quite strong and mentally tough. It pains me to break under small pressures. Right now I am quick to tears about the most mundane and petty things. What does that say really? Perhaps I am not being truthful about the heartaches being small. What does it matter? My heart aches for some reason. I am crying for some reason.

I am tired. I am dreadfully alone and tired. This is my moment to vent and to rage against the world. Yes, it is foolish and petty, I agree and I know it. This seems contrary to all the love that I know lives in my heart. I am frail in this midnight hour and not truthful about what ails me.

I am not truthful about a lot of my feelings at the moment. There is a great deal of fear and caution as If I will lose out on the very things I want and desire. I am my own worst enemy in this moment.

To cry silently is not sparing anyone. To cry silently is clutching a coward's robe. No matter the lateness of the hour, to be alone when you do not want to be alone is a prescription for continued heartache and despair. Tears are cleansing indeed, but a broken heart is not.

Be still my foolish heart. Be still this distraught mind. I am holding on. I am good at holding on. Shortly it will be first light. Things look beautiful at first light. Blogging this aloness is a gift.

Going back to bed as I am done crying...priceless.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


I am declaring myself available to date!

Beautiful & charming divorced Mother of 4 well-behaved and lovely children seeking single Black Man with kind heart and loving disposition...Prince Charmings need not apply. Real Men ONLY! See Love List (100 things I want in a lover).

I have been spinning my wheels about should I or shouldn't I date. I have been on the fence. I have been waiting for some magical sign. Well I got one last night! No I am not going to share what it was just yet. But for me the switch flipped on! I could be dating. I am ready to date. Now I am not ready to go beyond dating. But I would like to sit in the company of a man and enjoy conversation, laughs, music and time. I want late night conversations about how to save the world, how to make great pecan pie w/o butter and how to get kids to bed, and favorite movies and favorite lines in movies, and favorite places to gaze at the moon.

Now that I said it out to the universe and backed it up with a Love List means that I am moving forward. Now I am not going to become a party girl. Nor am I going to hang out with any man that asks. What I am saying is that I am ready for good times to roll. I am ready to put my whole self out there. I Am ready to test the waters. I am ready to be courted.

Life is short. I want to enjoy life's riches while I can, while I am vibrant and willing. Wanting this does not interfere with my goals, plans, dreams. If anything, it adds to the richness of my life. I am woman made for love. I am good on a team.

So spread the word far and wide! I am ready! I am ready! I am ready!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


I have learned in loveships, to yield will go a long way in keeping and maintaining harmony. Sometimes to surrender is far more superior than charging up the hill into battle. It has taken me a decade to understand this. I do not have to be right. Oh I am still learning this lesson. I am learning it with folks in my life at this very moment. What does it mater to me to argue a point because I can't stand to be wrong? I can stand to be wrong. I am often wrong. I do not have all the answers.

There is a difference in being vulnerable and being stupid. Being vulnerable is an opening of oneself to another in a way that says I welcome you in my heart. To be stupid is to let someone do you any kind of way and you take it. I have long since given up on being stuck on stupid.

To yield in loveships means that you learn to pause. That you think what is important to you in the heated moments, the tense moments, the point of no return moments. The moments before you say the unthinkable and hurtful things.

Love does not mean that there will never be tough moments, or feelings won't get hurt and tears are flowing. Love does exist in the difficult moments. It is the difficult moments when we most need to remember that love is binding and comforting and healing and sustaining. I say yield. Not give in, or give up. But pause and take a breath. Take stock and see if it is your ego that is hurt. I am NOT suggesting take any abuse on any terms. What I am talking about are those moments when we are at odds with our lovers, partners and spouses. No relationship can exist without a differing of opinion on occasion.

To yield takes a great deal of courage and strength to step back and allow the dust to settle. To hold ourselves in check. Not trying to be right, but happy.

Saturday, October 4, 2008


We are off to Massachusetts today to spend time at Overlook Farm. This farm is run by Heifer International, whose mission is to end world hunger.

My children and members of their Sunday school class raised money all year long to donate. We are going today to hand over the money and spend some time on the farm!

My children were so dedicated to this cause that they gave up their allowance for several months to support this commitment. I did not ask them. As a matter of fact I suggested perhaps they could give up a percentage. They said no, Mommy we have to make sure hungry people get food. I couldn't be more proud of them. I want them to care about the world and to believe they can make a positive difference in it. They are.

Of course I will take pictures!

Thursday, October 2, 2008


Last year this time I was serving day 2 of my federal prison sentence. I do not intend to spend anymore time on this. But I did want to lay out for myself the contrast of what this October looks like in comparison to last October. This February 2008 post still resonates with me and is probably more appropriate today than in February.

Today I am happy. I am in good spirits and I am in love with this life. I am surrounded with loving and caring people. I am moving forward with a full heart and a loving spirit.

REPOST from Thursday, February 21, 2008

I have not talked a great deal about serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Not because I am ashamed or find it upsetting. Quite the contrary. I am not ashamed to have served there. I am over that. There is nothing I can do about the past. And what is the past anyway, but memories in your mind. I haven't talked about it because I wanted to create a real space for it. To give it respect. To honor that time. No I am not holding it up as a thing of pride, but as an experience that has shaped my rethinking about my life, how I choose to come to love and community and GOD.

From an outsider's perspective 30 days...actually 29 days is not a huge amount of time. For me it was an eternity. I still think I can't really share my experience here in the way that I need to. Perhaps I will dedicate a series of posts or perhaps some other outlet for its release, or maybe not.

My life when laid out is big. It is grand and sweeping and full of lots of different kinds of experiences and people. I have done a lot, seen a lot, been a lot of different things and I am still evolving into the woman I am destined to become. I am getting out of my own way...OK most days I am getting out of my own way and letting the spirit of God move me forward. I am acutely aware of that. I am opening myself up to new experiences and new people that will only add positively to my evolution. Danbury does not loom large over my existence, but it does have its place. The women I met while there were some of the most gracious and caring women I have ever met. I think of them often and I hold them in my prayers. I know they are thinking of me from time to time...I can feel their spirit wishing me well.

I am fearless and forever prayerful and exceedingly hopeful about the world and my place in it. I recognize the grace of my life and the love that surrounds me. I am living in the right now and I am loving it.

Happy 39th Birthday to My Blog Sister Sista GP

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


My Friends over at Fabulously 40 have launched the first ever BITCH DAY! I think they are great and I am supporting the effort! Come on get all that drama off your chest. Ok now don't go and cuss anybody out, or step to someone you think is a bitch. Nope it's purely designed to take some time to rant.

Enjoy the day!