Wednesday, October 30, 2013

National Novel Writing Month... NaNoWroMo

I have been a member since 2008.  I had good intentions of writing a novel in 30 days.  OMG! I failed failed failed!  For almost 5 years, I was not clear about what I wanted to write, trudging back and forth between fiction and non fiction. UGH!

This year I am ready! Oh baby I am ready!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

On The Eve of Intentional Transformation...

Moving forward is not as easy as it sounds.  It is a romantic notion to think of summoning up courage and pushing forward.  I am by nature a romantic... so says my bff Ron. He thinks I am a hopeless romantic and admires the fact that I see the world  through rose colored glasses. I don't know if I see the world through rose colored glasses.

I think I see the world from a place of romance rather than from a place of doom and gloom.  I don't mean that I gloss over all the evil and bullshit going on.  I have seen, experienced and been through a lot that I think would cripple most, and yet I am moved by kindness and peace and joy.  I long for those things.

I feel like a child outside a very expensive candy store... I see all the yummy things, but don't dare enter in.  This is how I am feeling about my life.  I can't quite get fully in.  I am standing outside myself summoning the courage to be fully in.  This is a purging week, on the eve of a transforming month.  November is all about transformation.  I am setting that as my intention.  October has become a heavy month  for me to live through.... a mash-up of death anniversaries, wedding anniversaries, births, loss, time served, and the beauty of the leaves turning. I dread October and I celebrate and welcome October.  Now I gotta leave October and transform this life I so desperately want to own and get into.

On the other side of this intentional transformation sits a woman in complete possession of herself... myself. It is my intention to have a clearer picture of where I am moving this life to.  Worthiness is the foundation.  I am worthy and I am going to start behaving myself into believing that.

I can't drag the past to the future.  I cannot ignore the past or stuff it into some neat little box.  What I can do is deal with it and move through the haze.  Now that most of the secrets are out, there is more room to catch my breath.  No more big secrets to hold onto.  There is a real sense of freedom hovering within my grasp.

Now I need to spend time laying out my intentions for November.  Transformation with God's help and my commitment to go beyond what I feel like doing. 

Yes, Zora this is an answering year.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”― Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Miracles 1,2,3,

This whole blog has been about what I have been struggling with and not able to put my finger on the cause of the struggle(s).  But the events that played out over the last few days have been miraculous.

Now I was going to blog this, earlier in the week:
What I have come to realize is: 1) I hold a great deal of shame about committing a crime of embezzlement and going to federal prison camp (Yeah I thought I handled this shit too... but apparently I haven't and it's holding my spirit hostage and wrecking havoc).  I have not let it go fully and I have allowed this to stop me form living my life fully.  I believe I have not been punished enough. 2) The abuse I suffered as a child still haunts me deeply... and sometimes when I' am making love with my man it drags me back to being that helpless child and all I want to do is throw up and cry. 3) I hate the way my ex-husband just left me... threw me away without any explanation as to why...even though I know full well why. And it makes me feel unworthy. 4) Sometimes I don't know which way to go and I am afraid.  But as a single mother I have to keep it all together and keep moving. 5) I hate being financially vulnerable... scared of not having enough money for basic necessities. It keeps me up every night worrying. When I walk into my kitchen and the cupboards and refrigerator are bare and I know I have to feed my children, I am scared as shit. 6) I don't believe I am going to marry The Potential Mr. Babz... it just seems doomed.  I can't achieve his expectations and so I don't try as hard as I would if I believed we had a real future. It just feels like he is going to throw in the towel anyway come January. 7) Losing my house is unspeakable. I have exhausted every avenue. Surrendering does not bring peace or solace.  I feel like a failure.

I was feeling these things from a sense of what I believed to be true. A truth rooted in my disbelief that I didn't deserve happiness and love. How the fuck did I get here? YEARS AND YEARS OF UNRESOLVED NOT-DISCUSSED SHIT. Years of hiding, burying, an swallowing other peoples discomfort and shit.  I was protecting everyone's heart and soul except my own.

Here's what I've discovered as I was yet again lamenting my sorrows! This is the blog post of right now:

Miracle #1 I am taking the Brene Brown/Oprah Life Class Ecourse The Gifts Of Imperfection. I am Imperfect and I am Enough! Profound.

Miracle #2  Realizing what I BELIEVE about myself is the reason I can't move forward, or up or down or left or right.  That in my soul I believe I am unworthy.  The shame I am carrying has taken over my heart and soul.  All this time I knew I was drowning, but I couldn't put my finger on the source of the pain.  I tagged all the usual stuff... depression... negative self talk... malaise... unhappiness.  Suicide loomed on the horizon like a vulture... just waiting for me to surrender to my own death by my own hands.  Oh I was close on numerous occasions.  The pain of my heart and soul was blinding.  There was never enough alcohol... mindless sex... over-extension of my time or resources that could get me off the suicide trajectory.  Death just seemed like a simple solution to a life that was worthless.

Miracle #3 Yesterday (Friday) I got a threatening email from someone who used my crime against me. This person threatened to do an expose' on my crime!  And all I could do was laugh!  Yes laugh.  In that sacred moment I realized that my thoughts were my own prison.  What I believed about who I was, was the problem.  All this time I accepted the depression as something external invading my internal mood. The truth is, I just pushed the shame deep into the recesses of my spirit... they way I did my childhood abuse, the divorce, the weight gain and every other fucking painful event. You see in order to survive and stay alive, I could not and cannot afford to dwell on this overwhelming pain. The miracle is the laughter... laughing at the fact that I got it!  That other person had no real power over me.  No one ever had the real power over me.  Like Dorothy I had it all the time... the power to believe who I am based on my own inner vision, or all for  the world's external interference.

One nasty email jolted me out of my own bullshit; and this is how I snapped out of my years-long fog.  It forced me to confront what I have believed about myself... I don't believe I am worthy.

I don't believe I am worthy of the air I breathe, the children I raise, the space I take up or the love I want.  This is the secret I have been hiding, totting, and believing.

And now the work of retraining my being to believe I am worthy and enough and loveable begins.  I have no idea what I may lose in this process.. the new revelations are new and stunning and complex.  I do know there is no turning back. And whatever I lose or gain will be because it's needed for the journey ahead.

I am imperfect and I am enough.  I am worthy of profound love and I am capable of giving profound love.

Yes, Zora this is a year of answering....

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

Friday, October 18, 2013

Faith Forward Friday: The Devil Lives Within

I got it early on, that the Devil lives within.  I never held to the belief that the devil resides outside of myself.  And self means as in everyone.  The devil is the fear, doubt, self-sabotage, evil, hatred, ignorance and low self-esteem that takes root within.  If it were some force outside of ourselves we could deal with that.  But the devil within is seductive and illusive and cunning.  It sneaks in before we even realize that what we are doing is failing prey to our shadow... the dark side... the pain of all things familiar.

What I struggle with, is staying ahead of the devil within.  I am challenged to quit talking to the devil and giving it my attention.  I am the audience it seeks and when I am not careful, I find myself seduced by how right the devil can seem.  And how do I know it's not right? Because it goes against love.

Love... that other seemingly seductive force of nature. Often mislabeled  And ill defined as illusive.  Love exist all around. What fucks most of us up is the fairy-tale, romantic foolishness that is fleeting and asks us of nothing.  Love is discipline and commitment and honor and duty and free flowing. It has no judgement or fears.

So why can't we all to just float toward the light of love?  I think for me, it may be because with all that I know, trusting love is scary. The moment I surrender, the fear of it all being taken away or leaving or disappearing is greater than the belief that I could have it forever.  Love says we are worthy.  I am worthy.  The devil says I am not. And that is the power of the Devil.... cultivating doubt... fear...disbelief.

So this knew revelation propels me to excavate further my deepest feeling and thoughts on where the fear begins.  I've spent the better part of this blog learning my fears and addressing  them as I moved along.  Never getting to the root, just handling the fear of the moment.  I gotta go deeper.  I gotta take it all the way to the ground.  There is no way around that. If I don't, then I will be running away from love the rest of my life. And no one, even someone in full armor on a white stead can stand a chance at my whole heart.

The devil is a liar and I am setting out to prove it.

Monday, October 14, 2013

I am Willing To Listen....

I spent the better part of my life running from God... boxing with God... ignoring God.

God is loud. God is a whisper. God has been jockeying for my attention forever!  I am only now hearing God from a place of peace and quiet.  I am not afraid of the silence and what that brings.  The voices of doubt, self hate and destruction don't have the same power.  They are not winning.

My willingness to listen is what has ended the war between God and I.

I am listening.  I am listening. I am listening.  I am still struggling to tune out the message... the call to come and be, and share the romance of God and I.

I am strong willed.  Yet God waits.  there are days when the doubts rule.  And God waits.

As I said I am willing to listen.  I am listening.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Taking Myself Out Of The Equation

It is hard being the person that causes someone pain. It is disheartening to always be at fault rather than in love. I am the reason we do not work. I am the one who does not try hard enough. If only I would be..could be different. Less this and more that. Resentment is setting in, because the bar is way too high for a mortal woman like myself. I am...flawed...fucked up.... and charming. Not relationship material or qualities befitting a wife. Eh, and that's the truth. I don't share enough of... my heart... my soul... my thoughts. No one can tolerate that kind of elusiveness. So off I go in an entirely new direction.... E.N.D.

I never thought I would say this: But I am quitting the love game. I've had a good run. Seriously. My heart has other priorities. This is not defeat, or sad or anything negative. There is a window of opportunity to create the life of my dreams. To do the things I've only journaled about. Oh the Potential Mr. Babz will be forever a love for the ages.... a story right up there with the best of them. One I will tell over and over and over to my grandchildren. Right now I gotta take myself out of the equation and do more work on my inner movements. I gotta dig a bit deeper in self reflection and tend to my heart more. 

I am going to retreat for a bit. I have two projects... OK several projects that need my attention, not to mention 4 kids, a house in foreclosure and applying for Affordable Health Care plans. Oh and bootcamp...I am going to whip this body into shape if it kills me and no doubt it will. So I'll spend some time on my blog and periodically the posts will show up on Facebook.

God is still speaking. I'm off to build my true love.



Monday, October 7, 2013

What I Ache For....

This is such a provocative statement... a simple question that stops me cold and begs me to deal with it.

What do I ache for?  WHAT DO I ACHE FOR? What is the dream of my heart's longing?

Answering this for myself requires a kind of permission I have not granted myself for a very long time.  And I am wondering why haven't I and wondering if I am bold enough to get to the truth of the matter... beyond the fear of what the answer(s) may mean to me in this present moment.

Being 50 is its own gift.  There is a certain kind of permission granting that happens at this half century mark. There is within me  deeply held desires for things unspoken.  Long held flights of fantasy...or so I thought. Long held dreams that seemed so out of my reach...exceeding my grasp.  And yet here I am pondering and running from the desire's of my heart.  God has already said have them and yet I hesitate. More than hesitate I destroy.  Yes, destroy, bury, dismantle.  All under the guise of pursuing more practical choices.  I am the assassin of my heart's longings.

Is the conditioning of the world saying no, greater than God's yes?

So much to take to prayer.

Thursday, October 3, 2013