Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
So, here I am learning something new about myself. Something that I could find easily in others but not when I look in the mirror. This revelation is illuminating. I suspect that my insecurities is very much fear in drag. I for, one, am glad that I got to peel this layer and to look at it. This is part of the journey...becoming the Grown Woman I am destined to be.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I am learning that fear is the opposite of love. And that alone reins me in. I remind myself that I am DOING! Doing the impossible on a great many days. Standing on the side of the mountain looking down and seeing how high I am is amazing! I climbed it on my own steam in God's care. What do I need to be afraid of? And that is the question that brings me into the present and snaps me out of all the pain and frustration and fear. What do I have to be afraid of? Absolutely nothing.
So as I am thinking about where I am today and remembering where I was. I did not fall from grace. I fell into God's care. This is finally very comforting to me. It is the beginning of forgiveness and redemption that I am supposed to get to but was so resistant to because I felt so unworthy. But I am worthy. The power of love is restorative and sustaining and healing. I feel it. I am living it.
Up the mountain I happily climb...the view from here is lovely!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Torrance Stephens, PhD.
Hhmm don't let the cover fool you, she may be Butter Brown, but she ain't the Butter Brown. From the moment I opened the book and got into my first story I was hooked. Dr. Stephens has a way with drawing you in that makes you feel like you are a part of the landscape. That you are almost there. He writes with a real passion that seems to wrap around you and holds you close.
As a New Englander who attended college in the South, I really didn't know the South. Not the south of Torrance Stephens experience. His use of language unique to Memphis, Tennessee is mesmerizing and engaging. I found myself wanting to know more about the circle of friends he writes about and where are they now? I am not sure it's possible to have favorites, but I do have a few that spoke to me. I loved the short story Melinda. He writes so beautifully about a tryst between a man and a photographer, is it him? perhaps. But what I like is the way in which he approached the intimacy. It could have easily been nasty and gratuitous but it was lovingly done with care and you come away with the sense that Dr. Stephens knows something about women and their needs, but more importantly his own needs come through. My other favorite short story was the last one, for which the book is named..Butter Brown. The setting in Dakar, Africa is heady and sensual and colorful. You can almost hear him walking through the village with all it's exotic sounds and people. You can feel his love for Africa, his love for Sabrina Avery...Butter Brown. I loved this collection of short stories very much and I think Torrance Stephens is a very prolific and sensual writer.
Torrance aka All-Mi-T has a blog too, so if you want to get a flavor for his writing style and his take on current and world events check him at Raw Dawg Buffalo
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
She has no idea how this poem has lifted me up at 2:30 in the morning. Yesterday was a bit daunting for me. I went to bed with a whole lot of challenges on my mind. And once again God has illuminated my path...with her poem. Thank you! Mizrepresent your poem is exactly the message I needed to hear today.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I am amazed at what I was willing to tolerate in the name of so-called love...what I was willing to endure for what I thought was love. (sigh). Even in my marriage I was willing to accept shit that in hindsight would make me say "HELL TO THE NO!"
I did not come to love, fully understanding the meaning. It would be years before I grasped a real definition. One that made sense and allowed for growth and independence.
Oh I truly get it NOW. And I like it very much. I am done with begging for affection. I am done with begging period. I am fine just as I am. More than fine..supreme!!!!!
I LOVE being a woman in her right mind, with her own money and resources. A great sense of humor, a million dollar smile and jokes! My love belief is so strong that it carries me and nurtures me. It is God's greatest gift and I recognize it. Every day I get to choose love and I happily do! I BELIEVE IN LOVE!
Monday, April 21, 2008
When I ran for public office I announced on my birthday and had a fundraiser "old school" party. I raised quite a bit for the campaign!
One year my friends from all over the world sent me specially made chocolate cake. I had a month's worth of chocolate cake!. Now I am not proposing that again...YIKES!
The emails and telephone calls have started: what do you want this year? What is the theme? Hhmmm I want, I want, I want...
This year I want poetry, prose, any collection of words dedicated to me! I want all my friends including my beautiful blog friends to pen a poem, some prose, a missive, anything at all! That's it. It is my goal to post them all during the month of MAY! They can be anonymous if folks are feeling skiddish.
So all my blog Friends who are amazing at wordsmithing (see blog roll) I am calling you out on my behalf! My birthday countdown clock is up so you have lots of time. Lots of time! Of course I will remind you all over the next week. (smile)
I will bind them and put them into a book and that will be my theme this year: My own book of poetry, prose and love missives!
Friday, April 18, 2008
I have run through my paces about this. I am not in love with him, I am not interested in reconciliation. I think the underlying issues for me is the sense that he no longer deems me worthy. That I am no longer good enough. That I am perhaps more of a burden than asset. When he is in my presence he acts as though nothing has changed, he is actually super-friendly as if to show he is happier now. Perhaps he is. Actually I am too...contemplating all my own steps on my own terms is such a turn on...but I digress.
For me in my heart is the notion that this has not phased him. As I said in previous posts, he left the marriage a year before he left the marriage, so he had time to process and make peace. I on the other hand, had more pressing issues in front of me and did not have the luxury. It will be a year soon that he left. A year.
What I was doing before being served was meeting him with the same upbeat enthusiasm, smiling face, even toned voice, access to the children without hassles...in most cases bending over backwards to facilitate, accommodate his needs. The last two days I could barely muster up the strength to talk to him. Yesterday when he dropped off the kids, I never looked at him once. I was polite, but I treated him like he was invisible. I am walking a fine line because my kids are like hawks and they watch me closely.
So this is what I will do. Go back to my upbeat enthusiastic self. Malice be gone! Smile, be jovial. Act and be as my life is amazing. Let go of my perceptions of why I think he thinks the way he does about me. Fuck it if he does think I am not worthy. He is not worthy of ME! Ha! Undoing 12 years of a faithful marriage will take a bit more doing, and I am just the Warrior Queen to do it. Am doing it! He will always have unlimited access to our children. I have never played those stupid games and never will, as a matter of fact I had to call him out about being better about seeing them.
I know I am worthy. I know I am amazing. It is so easy to let the old tapes run in my head, but the cool thing is, I catch myself and shut it down. I am not undoing all this healing work because of him or anybody else who thinks they have that kind of power. So Hello Ex, have a nice life, I know I am!
My heart is mending. And I am becoming lovelier by the minute!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
A very nice Marshall was waiting to serve me divorce papers yesterday afternoon as I arrived home with my children. He was nice enough to present his card to me and asked me to step aside to talk as to not upset my children. I was stunned. I was stunned. I was stunned. STUNNED!
OK I am bypassing all the events of the evening. The comforting and empowering talks from my blood SisterLo and Sister-friend JB. The supportive ear of My Crush--it takes great patience to let a woman rant and vent in a shrill high-pitched voice, and the kind posts and conversation with Xavier--who by the way is well worth his weight in M&M's. They all let me vent, cry, scream. And of course consume lots of wine and beer.
Going forward this is what I know:
- My Ex did me a favor by leaving US.
- He did me a favor by filing divorce papers.
- He did me a favor by consistently showing me he is not the Man for me.
- He did me a favor by reminding Me of how petty, small and narrow he is.
- He did me a favor by providing me a solid example of what FEAR looks like.
- He did me a favor by forcing me to accept that I am an amazing woman.
There is nothing for me to fear. I have gone through so much without his care, concern, love. This is the Universe clearing space for me to arrange my life in a way that prepares me for what I want. There is nothing for me to fear. Not losing my house---I can get another one, this is my 3rd. Losing health benefits, I am a business owner I can work that out too. My two biggest fears are not so big when I shine the light of truth and love on them.
MY EX DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO BREAK ME! AND I AM NO LONGER AFRAID OF HIM!
So what has changed since yesterday? I am more sure of my self and my ability to stand in love and allow that to continue to guide and direct me. I am not going to let Him or anybody else dim my light, question my love, or bring fear and self loathing to my home, heart and bed.
I got this. I am reminded of all that I have survived in my big life and quite frankly, this is a walk in the park on a sunny day!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOOD SISTER LO!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I was always freakishly intuitive. But I have learned over the years to adjust my vibrations. I have learned to deal with what people say rather than their truths underneath what they say. Meaning, people will say one thing but really want or think another. I happen to know that about a person, what their real feelings are. I can feel it. Yep this can be unsettling to them and to me too for that matter. I connect to people I have an affinity for. But I have learned/trained myself to deal with what anyone tells me at face value rather than what I feel from them. And it doesn't matter the mode of communication. I can feel through the Internet, letters, telephones and person to person.
Lately this notion of people not seeking truth, joy and love is sad to me. Because I am learning that the opposite of love is fear. It is fear that keeps people from their truths. I am guilty of it too. Fear grips me and I am learning to recognize it and put it back in its place. I am becoming fearless and in that I am becoming more loving or should I say love-ful!
What is it that makes us so afraid to share our best with someone. Nobody wants to be the first to say I love you. No one wants the other to know that they deeply care for them because they fear rejection and a broken heart. No one wants to be made a fool of. And I also think that people don't trust their own intuition. Intuition has gotten a bad rap over the years. People tend to think it means touchy feel-ly. That it's not rooted in anything concrete. I beg to differ. It is that inner voice that can guide and direct Us. It is the voice of God and angels always whispering. Many have learned to fear their intuitive selves. Because it makes you vulnerable. "What if I make a mistake" Well I say mistakes are lessons.
We are not born with all the answers. We are born with a spirit that seeks love. Many think being vulnerable puts you at a disadvantage not only in love affairs but in any affair. So we all suit up in armour to protect our hearts from attacks. And we think we are really living and being smart and cautious, when in fact we are wasting time. Wasting time.
So I am welcoming my intuitive self. I am feeling all that I can about everyone that walks into my grand life. And all who come in will be loved. All who come in will be loved.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Being their mother is my greatest joy. Everyday I am freaked out that I am their mother. I think about this everyday. How did I get these divine children? Me. I am always thinking about how I want them to be in the world. How can I aid in their development as decent, caring, honorable people? Raising them is so critically important to me. I am deliberate in my coordination of activities and friendships. I happily place myself between them and the world. I am the filter until they are able to discern for themselves the goings and comings of the world and the people in it.
They each have an arrival story they love to hear over and over. Margeaux's story--knock knock, Hello Mrs. here is your baby. She was wrapped in this huge pink and white crocheted blanket, the social worker handed her to me and out the door she went. I was left holding this tiny 5lbs baby who was wiggly and beautiful. Briana's story-was the first time she called me Mom. She was 3 years old and it was the first week of school. Briana is a very quiet child. Every morning was a mad dash out the door to get her to school and myself to work. The first two days I drove all the way to work with her in the back seat. I pulled into my office parking space and I go to get out and I scream OMG! what are you doing here! she looked at me with a blank stare as if to say...and you are my Mother? On the third day I was about to miss the turn to the school and she said in a firm but tiny voice Mom don't miss the turn. My heart soared and I knew right then I was her Mother. I cried all the way to work! Khalil arrived with no language skills..none! He sounded like Nell and Pooty Tang rolled into one. We found him a speech therapist, I worked with him night and day and today he can talk anyone under the table. He loves when I tell him he is the cutest kid in the world! Gregory was the last to arrive and the oldest. He was adorable but with a whole lot of issues. He loves when I tell his story about how he came and his tooth was loose and I pulled it. The social worker said he wouldn't let his foster parents near it it. I said open wide, and I pulled it out. He was amazed! He still thinks I have some magical power! I do...I love him!
I don't know why I have 4 children. I just know that I am so happy I do. I cannot imagine my life without them. They make me a better woman everyday. I may never get a date ever again. But I do know that I will always have their love! They certainly have my heart for all eternity.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
This all stems from that freakish milk protein allergy. So back to bed I go for the rest of the day. I will get the kids to school, my Brother Bob-O will get them to music this afternoon and their Dad will feed them dinner and help with their homework.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
But here's what I know: All those things are external. And really do not have to pull me out of sorts. Nothing can take me out of my joy, peace and love unless I let it. Caring about what happens to the world and all the folks I care about in it will be challenging on some days. How I choose to live is all about where I want to be in my spirit. I can care, and love and be a force of goodwill even in the face of the most challenging times. I choose to be happy.
So today is a new day and I am starting it like I do everyday...Happy and in love and hoping that the day will meet me with the same, but if not, I remain happy, calm and in love.
Monday, April 7, 2008
- My kids are healthy and doing very well in school and in music, soccer and basketball and church.
- My Brother Bob-O is getting married to Miss D and they are planning a wedding and I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! All I need is a Hot dress and high heels and I am done!
- My SisterLO is amazing. She has a few stresses but is keeping things in perspective.
- My Best Friend Ron is well.
- My Best Girlfriend and personal Attorney Jane Jetson is back from Nicaragua with her lovely Husband.
- I am still in my house.
- ALL my bills are PAID!
- I have MONEY IN THE BANK! I mean a good amount--a good amount is relative ain't it--I mean what I think is a good amount might be beans to someone else--but for me it's all good!
- My Sister-Friend JB is happy.
- I am working! I have clients! Under Lovebabz, LLC.
- In the next few weeks Lovebabz LLC will finally launch! I have started this LLC a couple of years and ago. I own the domain name, The LLC has it's own bank account and line of credit, website. etc. But I never did anything with it. SO, let the branding BEGIN!
- I am taking care of myself. Working on my make-over.
- I am hopeful and prayerful all day long.
- I have made new friends through blogging!
- I am discerning what I would like to do for my birthday! I am grateful that today I can look forward to a birthday! Whether I live to see it or not. I am happy to celebrate the planing of my day!
- I am beginning to understand and accept that all that has happened to me in this big life has been in preparation for the sweetest of joys and love and a grander life I could never have imagined for myself. I feel it. I am grateful for the feeling of hope and happiness and love.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
And Stephen Bess, who is committed to writing a poem every day for the month of April...his poetry is hauntingly beautiful.
I wrote this for my Sister Lo who when my now Brother-in-law "T" wanted to propose he called me to say Lo was being funky about getting a engagement ring. He wanted her to have one, she thought it was ridiculous and wanted just a band on their wedding day. At that time my Mother was still alive and she was pleading with my Sister to just accept T's ring and stop being...difficult. My Sister and I are very headstrong---I did not have an engagement ring either. Anyway My Mother ordered me...yes ordered me to deal with my Sister. So I wrote a poem, put it on lovely paper and FedEx it to her. She accepted his ring. My Mother was happy and I too eventually bought myself an engagement ring. (note: I was already married at the time--but decided if my Sister would wear a engagement I would too in solidarity! Yep, I love my Sister)
For Lo & "T"
August 13, 1996
the directions may not always be clear
so you make plans
and plans and plans
you tell the world I was made to love him
I was made to love her
nothing is ever sure or 100%
the safety is knowing that there is love
strong, passionate and
there is no such thing as always eye to eye
even miss piggy and kermit have their
moments of sheer bliss
you know every time you walk through the front door,
you are not at your best
that this is work and commitment and
go for the gold
go on get married!
Friday, April 4, 2008
I was Robbed:
The after effects of sexual assault is more than the physical abuse you can see and analyze for evidence. It is the mental toll that it takes on your mind, spirit, heart and soul. I spent a lot of time walking the world wounded. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I was angry and I was arrogant. I slept with men I didn't care about. The ones who cared about me I treated like shit. The ones I cared about and did not return the feelings I obsessed over. I was fucked-up in my spirit. I could have sex, but I could not be intimate. I could not be loving. I could not be soft or gentle and I was not really present during sex acts. Blow jobs were totally out of the question for a very long time. I could do a lot of tricks and fake my through to get some man to climax and send him on his way. After a series of life-changing events and experiences I decided to give it up. I swore off men...detoxed if you will. Within a few weeks I met the man who became my husband.
I was Restored:
My ex-husband and I have a really charming love story which I will save for some other time. But meeting him and being with him restored me. It allowed a space for me to change my life. To experience the world differently. In the early days of our our marriage He provided me with a safe place to explore my feelings and to do the work of peeling away the layers. He was patient and kind and very loving. With him I learned about intimacy and being present during love-making. I began to enjoy it in ways I never thought I could. I was finally in a safe place. I think his role in my life is fulfilled I think he was supposed to be there in that time of my life to bear witness and support my transitioning life. He absolutely reflected where my head and heart were at that time.
Sexual Assault robs you of the ability to trust. love, feel, all the things that we need as human beings. It strips you of your humanity and reduces you to nothing. So many walk the world as wounded as I did. I tried very hard to drink away the pain. I tried hard to have as much sex as possible to show that I was not going to be afraid of sex. But the reality was, I was very afraid of sex and had no idea what I was doing and how I was not healing, but hurting. For ten years I stopped drinking. I worked with a therapist for about 1 year. I bought the book the Courage to Heal, Women Who Love Too Much ( this goes back almost 20 years--there are many other books available now) I did my time at Rape Crisis. I facilitated a support group for women who were raped as children .
So today I am far away from that part of my life. It is not forgotten and it never will be. I decided that how you see the world is how you experience the world and all you have to do is change your mind and your life changes. If you believe the world is a nasty, dirty place, then that will be your experience, time and time again. But if you see the world as a place of beauty and joy then that will be your experience, time and time again.
I absolutely refuse to allow my father to further rob me of a grand life filled with love and joy and sex. He no longer has power over me. So choosing a life of love is simply making the decision to live a certain way. It is working. In spite of all the twists and turns in this big life of mine. I believe in love and grace and love.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. In Connecticut every 41 minutes a child is being abused. Last year there were over 9,000 children abused. I have adopted 4 that were abused..not sexually and I swear being their mother and knowing full well that on most days I am not worthy is an act of God.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
On another note, My birthday is May 2. If you thought I was a fool about Valentine's Day, wait until I celebrate my birthday! God willing I will be the big 45!
Invitation To Love
Paul Lawrence Dunbar
Come when the nights are bright stars
Or come when the moon is mellow;
Come when the sun his golden bars
Drops on the hay-field yellow.
Come in the twilight soft and gray,
Come in the night or come in the day,
And you are welcome, welcome.
You are sweet, O Love, dear Love,
You are soft as the nesting dove.
Come to my heart and bring it rest
As the bird flies home to its welcome nest.
Come when my heart is full of grief
Or when my heart is merry;
Come with the falling of the leaf
Or with the redd'ning cherry.
Come when the year's first blossom blows,
Come when the summer gleams and glows,
Come with the winter's drifting snows,
And you are welcome, welcome.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Long before my sexual abuse was revealed to the press through my federal sentencing, I worked for Rape Crisis Services out of our local YWCA (now Sexual Assault Crisis Services). I was the Assistant Director for Direct Services. I trained and staffed the 24 hour hotline as well as provide support and advocacy--meaning I went to the hospital with women who were raped to have a rape kit done--yes they called it a rape kit for evidence. I have gone to court to support women who were testifying against their attackers and I would coordinate support groups for family and significant others. I started at Rape Crisis as a volunteer. My Sister Lo was actually working there part-time doing peer-to-peer training.
During my time there I divulged for the first time in my life the abuse that I endured as a child. My father raped me and then decided to sell me to people for money. This went on for about 2 years before it came out. In those days there was no family services to intervene, the police weren't called and no one thought it necessary to send me to a therapist. I was however taken to a Doctor who told my Mother that I was so damaged that it was unlikely that I would ever birth children--in those days Doctors did not intervene in child abuse cases, even if they suspected they did not report it---thank God for all the recent legislation regarding mandatory reporting. My family thought it best to never speak of it again. We went on as if nothing happened. Needless to say that this fucked me up pretty good and damned near cost me my life. I was so angry and so wounded and confused, that I drank heavily and I was promiscuous and I trusted no one and I wanted to die. My teen years were tough and My mother tried everything even threatening Boarding school. It wasn't until I was a grown woman that I began to deal with this. There is a whole series of events that propelled me to self development and reflection. I will say that it was my great intention to not have that time in my life haunt me for the rest of my life. I decided that I wanted a happy life and I wanted love in my life. I have that and the road was long and hard and I do not regret the high price I had to pay to stand in this space with love all around me. I am a mother and I was a loving wife, by design. And I am still in awe of the power of love to heal and to overcome. My Blogging Brother Xavier Pierre, Jr. says he is not a survivor but an OVERCOMER. I love that! I too am a OVERCOMER!