FROM FLUTTER....

Flutter is my blog Sister. I was on a panel with her at BlogHer 08 in San Francisco. We are connected by sexual violence committed against us. We both have created healing blog communities. We are both on this journey toward happiness and completion and love. She wrote this moving post. It speaks to me in such a grand way I knew I wanted to repost it here. She said I could. I am grateful!

I dedicate this to someone dear to me. ((RWT))

I love you, in you know, a completely platonic way….
Posted by Flutter November 24th, 2008

An empty page, a blinding lack of words where always, I have one.

or two.

I draw inward at the scope of this and I wonder how much two people can endure. I wonder how much of me I can inflict on you. I wonder, if you know. If you know how much I truly love you. I wonder if you know how your laughter fills me. How your brilliance awes me. How you are all of the things I am not.

How I can never be all of the things you are.

How I want you. Always, to be filling what is empty in me. What is made for you. I may not always say or show, sometimes my pain is so great that I am afraid to open the door. But I want you in. I want you on every wall, behind every door, in every corner. I want your presence, your smell your love to shake the dust out of all of the dead parts and pull out what is vibrant.

I want your support, always. I always strive to make you proud and come up so short. I am afraid to ask for what I need, not because I think you will not give it, but because I think I am not worth the favor. Before you, no one has ever believed. Not even me. Especially not me. But I am trying. Small steps into the light.

Into your light.

I love you in all the ways I thought possible and even more all the ways I never even considered

K.I.S.S.™

KEEP IT SIMPLE & SACRED.

I saw this tweeted by Life Coach Karen, Keep It Simple & Sacred (K.I.S.S.™ ) it came to her in a quiet conscious moment.

It resonated with me in a big way. A quiet conscious moment...divine. So often we think change has to be this grand sweeping thing. All consuming. I am learning that as I become more purposeful in discerning the areas of my life that need attention. Making simple changes almost always eases the stress, drama, fear.

It is the small things over a period of time that changes our directions. For example getting to the gym to do 45 minutes is simple. Much more simpler than getting to the gym and staying for hours. Putting less on my plate, rather than starving myself on purpose makes for better results.

It is this way too in our loveships and friendships. It is calling to say happy birthday rather than getting all frustrated about finding the right big gift. It is making a handwritten note for your Beloved even though you would love to pop a bottle of champagne over a fancy dinner in a swanky restaurant. Champagne is lovely, but the small gestures are what matter. The sacred is in the sentiment. It says I value your presence in my life without all the fanfare and bravado. Yes there is a time and a place for sweeping gestures of affection. But my heart you see, yearns for the simple and authentic.

My heart is simply not only a muscle. It is the place where love flows outward and inward. It is the place that opens wide to the sacred and the divinity. My good feelings welcome your good feelings. And together we are in love. Love is a state of being.

I feel myself moving toward simple pleasures and I like it very much. Oh mind you, I am still for the luxuries of the world, but not as a status fixation. I like fine linen because that makes me happy. I like fine wine because it makes me happy. I like having friends over for a lovingly prepared meal or ordered in pizza because that makes me happy.

It doesn't take much to make me happy...just a K.I.S.S...

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: WINNING MYSELF OVER

A couple days ago I was listening to Dr. Robin on XM radio...Oprah & Friends. She stated that we spend too much time trying to win people over. To win people to love us. That statement stopped me cold in my tracks. Because I am one of those kind of people. I am one of those people that will work hard at trying to win some one's affection. Now mind you, I have been married for 12 years, but in looking back at past loveships I can clearly see how that was my miss-step. Hhhmm... (insert eco-friendly LIGHT BULB!)

So in moving myself forward, that awareness is quite illuminating. It is a flaw that I can correct now that I see it. Paying attention and being tuned in to my insecurities will beat back this beast. It is a level of mindfulness for everyday. It is a pattern of behaviour that speaks to feeling not good enough. That is the root. So instead of letting a special someone see me, I add all the niceties so that the real me is camouflaged? Because I subconsciously don't believe I am enough as is.

Ding Ding Ding...I WIN! I GET IT! The shift in my thinking today forward will be how can I win myself over. Or better still, I will win myself over for myself. I am good enough. I love my own company and I think I am pretty doggone FABULOUS...flaws and all!

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: REJUVENATION!

All shall be well. And all shall be well. All is well.

I am going to take some time away from the blog sphere. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is upsetting me. I need to redirect my energies into a few projects to get them launched. I am working on my discipline and to do that you must DO!

I will not be checking email, or twittering. I will however be checking my baby PChats.

I will be back in a week or so.

Be in love and be loving.

DISCIPLINE...MY DEFINING MOMENT

dis·ci·pline:
activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter (computer, notebook, digital recorder) is excellent discipline for a writer.

I have big dreams and lofty goals. I have motivational tools in abundance. I am a student of love and loving. But what I lack for success is DISCIPLINE! So with all that said am I just talking shit if I can't make things happen in my life? Who do I think will make things happen...elves?

I am thinking about this as I look at all the projects that I am undertaking. What I am seeing is a real fear of success. The little voice whispering...Oh why bother, you can't, you will fail. It is soft and gentle. The whispering doubt requires me to listen closely to the words of negativity and I do. I can hear the faint whispers and I bend lower to hear it all. I am seeing myself do this over and over again. I have noticed how I talk myself out of shit before I even give myself a chance to explore the possibilities.

This is my defining moment. Where I am now, is setting the ground work for the next phase of my big life. What I do now will set the tone for my next commitment. To get what I want, I have to do what I have not done for a longtime...be steadfast and unwavering. Disciplined in my mind and actions.

Today I am becoming disciplined. I am starting with my surroundings and then onto my mind and spirit. My hopes and wishes and dreams will NOW be louder than the doubts, fears and self-sabotage.

CARPE DIEM BABY!

I am celebrating a series of events unfolding in my life this very minute that are divine. The very things that I had dreamed of are coming forth. They are lining up awaiting my immediate attention. I have stood in the place of preparation and prayer and I am ready.

This is my moment to release. To step into my right now. To walk in love and be loving. I am not afraid. I am not shy. My boldness is driving me in a way never seen before.

I am listening to my own voice whispering...no shouting GO! GO! GO! live free, live on your own terms and LOVE!

Over the next few weeks I will be in my glory. I will be living out some long kept dreams. I am not ready to say what they are yet. I want to celebrate them in my alone-ness for a while. But I am tickled pink about them.

Oh yes and I told my Crush that I LOVED him. That was huge for me. I did it with a big heart and no expectation of hearing him say it back. It is amazing the heart's capacity for love. It frees me and lets me KNOW that I am loving. It is a beautiful thing loving folks. It ties me deeper to my humanity and strongly connects me to my faith. I do not have to do anything spectacular except keep an open heart.

I am seizing the day! I am in this moment the happiest I have been in a very long time. I only have to look back to last year at this time to see God's handiwork in my life. Oh I know what grace is and I am fully in awe and reverence of the gift that is my life.

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: SIMPLE PLEASURES

Saturday was one of the most perfect days ever! The weather was dreamy and warm. The skies were the best blue I have ever seen.

I rode my bike, Stinky-Pinky with the kids around the neighborhood today. It is a single gear baby with brakes in the pedals...old school. She has a basket and a bell on the handle bars. I LOVE her! Today was the first day I had her out all summer. She had flat tires. My Sister-Friend RMG who lives down the street has a serious air-pump...her husband does really. So I called her up and said I need air. The kids and I walked my baby down to her house and put air in her tires. Man getting on her was like BUTTAH! Oh I love this bike. I cruised and raced with the kids all afternoon.

Later my Sister-friend JB came over with her son to hang out. I lit a fire in the backyard fireplace and we sat outside under the beautiful moon and talked and talked. The kids were watching Disney Halloween movies...very non-scary! It was the most perfect night. I think it was too chilly for JB, but not for me.

Last but not least, the most amazing telephone conversation I've had in a very long time took place. It is without a doubt life changing...well it will be over time. It is a dream un-deferred. Thank you KW! You have no idea what a leap of faith I am about to take...well you do, because this is what you do...smile.

The day laid out before me all the possibilities of a life of simple pleasures, giggling children, good friends, dreams realized and me fully present in the moment.

Oh and my bike is a Simple bicycle...really that's its name...smile...how divine.

WANTED: A SBM WITH KIND HEART AND LOVING DISPOSITION!

I am declaring myself available to date!

Beautiful & charming divorced Mother of 4 well-behaved and lovely children seeking single Black Man with kind heart and loving disposition...Prince Charmings need not apply. Real Men ONLY! See Love List (100 things I want in a lover).

I have been spinning my wheels about should I or shouldn't I date. I have been on the fence. I have been waiting for some magical sign. Well I got one last night! No I am not going to share what it was just yet. But for me the switch flipped on! I could be dating. I am ready to date. Now I am not ready to go beyond dating. But I would like to sit in the company of a man and enjoy conversation, laughs, music and time. I want late night conversations about how to save the world, how to make great pecan pie w/o butter and how to get kids to bed, and favorite movies and favorite lines in movies, and favorite places to gaze at the moon.

Now that I said it out to the universe and backed it up with a Love List means that I am moving forward. Now I am not going to become a party girl. Nor am I going to hang out with any man that asks. What I am saying is that I am ready for good times to roll. I am ready to put my whole self out there. I Am ready to test the waters. I am ready to be courted.

Life is short. I want to enjoy life's riches while I can, while I am vibrant and willing. Wanting this does not interfere with my goals, plans, dreams. If anything, it adds to the richness of my life. I am woman made for love. I am good on a team.

So spread the word far and wide! I am ready! I am ready! I am ready!

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TO YIELD

I have learned in loveships, to yield will go a long way in keeping and maintaining harmony. Sometimes to surrender is far more superior than charging up the hill into battle. It has taken me a decade to understand this. I do not have to be right. Oh I am still learning this lesson. I am learning it with folks in my life at this very moment. What does it mater to me to argue a point because I can't stand to be wrong? I can stand to be wrong. I am often wrong. I do not have all the answers.

There is a difference in being vulnerable and being stupid. Being vulnerable is an opening of oneself to another in a way that says I welcome you in my heart. To be stupid is to let someone do you any kind of way and you take it. I have long since given up on being stuck on stupid.

To yield in loveships means that you learn to pause. That you think what is important to you in the heated moments, the tense moments, the point of no return moments. The moments before you say the unthinkable and hurtful things.

Love does not mean that there will never be tough moments, or feelings won't get hurt and tears are flowing. Love does exist in the difficult moments. It is the difficult moments when we most need to remember that love is binding and comforting and healing and sustaining. I say yield. Not give in, or give up. But pause and take a breath. Take stock and see if it is your ego that is hurt. I am NOT suggesting take any abuse on any terms. What I am talking about are those moments when we are at odds with our lovers, partners and spouses. No relationship can exist without a differing of opinion on occasion.

To yield takes a great deal of courage and strength to step back and allow the dust to settle. To hold ourselves in check. Not trying to be right, but happy.

REMEMBERING DANBURY...A REPOST

Last year this time I was serving day 2 of my federal prison sentence. I do not intend to spend anymore time on this. But I did want to lay out for myself the contrast of what this October looks like in comparison to last October. This February 2008 post still resonates with me and is probably more appropriate today than in February.

Today I am happy. I am in good spirits and I am in love with this life. I am surrounded with loving and caring people. I am moving forward with a full heart and a loving spirit.

REPOST from Thursday, February 21, 2008

REMEMBERING DANBURY
I have not talked a great deal about serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Not because I am ashamed or find it upsetting. Quite the contrary. I am not ashamed to have served there. I am over that. There is nothing I can do about the past. And what is the past anyway, but memories in your mind. I haven't talked about it because I wanted to create a real space for it. To give it respect. To honor that time. No I am not holding it up as a thing of pride, but as an experience that has shaped my rethinking about my life, how I choose to come to love and community and GOD.

From an outsider's perspective 30 days...actually 29 days is not a huge amount of time. For me it was an eternity. I still think I can't really share my experience here in the way that I need to. Perhaps I will dedicate a series of posts or perhaps some other outlet for its release, or maybe not.

My life when laid out is big. It is grand and sweeping and full of lots of different kinds of experiences and people. I have done a lot, seen a lot, been a lot of different things and I am still evolving into the woman I am destined to become. I am getting out of my own way...OK most days I am getting out of my own way and letting the spirit of God move me forward. I am acutely aware of that. I am opening myself up to new experiences and new people that will only add positively to my evolution. Danbury does not loom large over my existence, but it does have its place. The women I met while there were some of the most gracious and caring women I have ever met. I think of them often and I hold them in my prayers. I know they are thinking of me from time to time...I can feel their spirit wishing me well.

I am fearless and forever prayerful and exceedingly hopeful about the world and my place in it. I recognize the grace of my life and the love that surrounds me. I am living in the right now and I am loving it.

Happy 39th Birthday to My Blog Sister Sista GP

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: RATIONING LOVE

When did loving someone cost so much? What is it about telling someone you love, that you LOVE them? Yes, some of us are good at telling our family and close friends how much we love them. I tell my children a thousand times a day. They tell me just as many times. Sometimes they yell for me just to say MOM I love you! It always catches me off guard.

What is it about these three giant words that terrifies folks? There seems to be a rule book...albeit a very misinforming and gripping rule book out there that sets the guidelines for our loveships. I have heard people say to me, I can't possibly tell him I love him, He will have the upper hand. Or I can't be first telling her that I love her. Or my personal favorite It's too soon. I need to wait. On first glance these seem reasonable. No one wants to be vulnerable. Maybe you are unsure as to how the other person feels or maybe you just met them a few months/days/years ago and time seems like a good measure for how things progress before you utter those life changing words. I advocate for choosing love over fear. If you feel love, know love and believe love, then say, act, do LOVE.

Love is the one thing EVERY ONE wants, but we are ALL cowards in our war on love. So we go about withholding our love...RATIONING LOVE because to give it away is too costly. Now I am not suggesting that we just throw love around casually or am I? I mean we share our bodies casually. We think nothing of engaging in illicit sexual acts with strangers...not friends mind you, who care about us. We happily lay down with folks who DO NOT LOVE US...but love the act of sex. We easily explain away the casualness of casual sex and we trip, fumble and fall in getting and keeping loveships. We convince ourselves that we are saving our love for that special someone. We don't hold our bodies in high regard as we do our hearts. We do not connect love and sex, we act like they are not connected. We can have one without the other. But why would you want to? I am asking myself this. This is not a judgement. I am working this out...connecting the dots in my own life because I am realizing, I am not a casual woman. I thought I could be. I tried to be. I am not. I am a woman made for love. Aren't we all people made for love? If not then we have lots of work to do!

If we disconnect ourselves from love so easily to share our bodies, then why can't we love folks before bodies even touch? I ask again, what is it about love and saying I love you that costs us so much that we are willing to deny ourselves and the world around us the very thing that brings peace, joy and happiness to our world?

I am giving up disconnecting love and sex. I am no longer interested in one without the other. So my celibacy continues. I am holding out for love. I am apologizing to myself for trying to compromise my heart and body.

I am done rationing LOVE.

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: LIFE LESSONS

I believe that life is full of lessons. Some repetitive and some completely what I need at that moment to move me forward. If I am stubborn and unyielding I am destined to repeat the lesson until duh I get it! Sometimes the lessons are painful...like a knife to the heart. My divorce was like that. The relationship ended. But it hasn't ended really. I mean we are still in each other's life because we have children. So the romantic part has ended but the parental role remains.

Is anything really over? Yes. But some things remain. They remain because we have to grow better in our humanity, and we have to learn love. When one relationships is over and done it does not mean every relationship in your life ends. Nor does it mean you will never get another loveship. Now if you do not grow and look at your role in the demise of the relationship. Guess what? You will get the same relationship again until you learn the lesson. Sometimes you do things right and the lesson is saying you are doing things right with the wrong mate.

Life lessons are maps to move us forward. To get us to be in the moment. To enjoy the here and now. And to see who we fully are.

I hold no illusions about who I am. I maybe a queen, but I am no princess. I have weathered storms. I have loved. I have learned some lessons that got me right here right now. I am in love with the woman I am. I know the lessons in front of me are teaching me how to be more of myself in the grandest way.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: KEEPING THE FAITH

I am not one of those folks that likes to chase folks down about my faith. I do not try to convert folks nor do I try to ram my faith perspective down some one's throat. I do not run around quoting scripture.

My faith is a deep and abiding that carries me. Sustains me. Heals me. Nourishes me. When someone believes something different that I, I do not think or say they are wrong. I am actually interested in learning about why they believe what they believe. I am convinced that we are more connected through God. I love the study of the divine and I am still on the fence about applying to the Yale Divinity School. They have been gracious in accommodating my restless spirit.

I know what God has done in my life. I am a living breathing miracle. I have overcome much and I remain joyful and happy to greet the day. Thank you is the last words I say at night and the first thing I say in the morning.

I keep the faith. In the darkest hour. In the grandest celebrations. Even in my own ignorance. In my own shortcomings. In love. I keep the faith.

God IS. I Believe.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TIME IS NOT HEALING

Time passing is not healing. What heals me is the choice I make to get over or beyond something. Time is really irrelevant. There is no set time in getting over old hurts, wounds, disappointments, mistakes and missteps. There is no set rule as to when a broken heart ought to be mended.

I know that when I want to stay stuck, I wallow in the thing that is causing me grief. I go back to the perceived injustice and think it through over and over and over again. And if that wasn't enough I will talk it over with my "True Love" friends until I am sick of hearing my own voice. By this point the light bulb turns on and I realize that I can make a choice here. That I should just shut the fuck-up about the perceived injustice and keep it moving. Dwelling on the thing, event, person, situation, does not bring clarity. It only makes me STUCK. And when I am stuck there is no chance for other things, people, events, situations to move in or out of my life...DUH!

I am no martyr. I do not like suffering. But sometimes I get in my own way and I hang on to pain way too long. As if there is something noble about suffering. I prefer to be happy...even in the face of adversity. Even in the face of loss and grief and pain...I prefer to be happy. Happiness is not about time put in, or time spent. Happiness is about being. Being in this moment in way that allows you to see who you are right now. To accept and revere the blessings right now. There is no better time to be blessed, happy, joyful and in love than right now.

...LOVE waits on welcome, not on time....A Course in Miracles

JUMPIN' THE BROOM! OOH NO NOT ME...

My Brother Bob-O is getting married to Ms. D on Saturday. I am in my glory with family and friends from far and wide coming to town.

I am hosting my favorite cousin Dennis and his beautiful wife and two beautiful daughters from Winston-Salem, NC.

I will be back after all the celebrations have ceased! Oh and I will have photos!

Oh, yes, I started my mindful meditation class today. Thanks Aunt Jackie for whispering to me...it has made a difference already.

A HIGH HONOR: PUBLIC SERVICE

To me, being elected to public office is the highest honor of community service there is. I had the pleasure and honor of being elected twice. There is nothing like public service. Feeling and believing you can make the difference on behalf of your neighbors is profound. I had the opportunity to craft and co-sign legislation that made a difference in my communities.

I had the distinct pleasure as serving as Police Commissioner too. Being an advocate for the men and women who serve our police force was one that I am most proud of. Everyday these brave and courageous men and women put on that Blue uniform and go out to serve and protect. That is admirable.

My commitment to community has been a wide range of services From running a rape crisis hotline, to serving meals to the sick and shut-in with HIV/AIDS, to working with women and families who were safely tucked away because of domestic violence. I have served on various local and national Boards for organizations committed to children issues, family issues and community building issues.

I must say I am most proudest of my commitment to community, church and neighborhood. These are the pillars that sustain me and keep my spirit afloat.

Friday, I will finish posting some of my successes. My life is amazing...extraordinary. It is easy to lose sight of the things that are important as you get caught up in all the things you have done wrong in your life. Sometimes the price you pay is too high...or too too much. The gift is holding your head UP and being present in this moment. There are no do-overs! The past is behind you. We know this, and yet we dwell...get stuck on what was and then turn them into what ifs.

I am celebrating this life and owning my successes as I bear witness to the losses.

When I was....

Thinking about my life and all the things I deem successes is weird. There are things that I have long forgotten and when brought to the forefront I am like COOL! Yes I did that!

So I am going to lay out a few of my successes. Things that I think are significant only to me. I have friends and family who will gently remind me of things they think I have forgotten or just refused to acknowledge..LOL!

When I was 7, 8, 9, 10 years old I was a city-wide chess champion. I still play chess today and have started to teach my children. I taught my brothers and sister to play and they are really good.

I learned to play tennis when I was 12 years old. I was exceptionally good. By the time I got to High School, I was co-Captain of the Jr. Varsity Men's Tennis Team and Co-Captain of the Women's Varsity Tennis Team. Yes I had a lot of press about turning Pro. I have not played tennis in many many years. My daughter Briana started learning to play a couple of years back. However, basketball has become her passion.

I had my own business when I was 13 years old. A Babysitting and cleaning business; complete with business cards and flyer's. I would help women around the neighborhood with housework. I charged $5.00 a basket of laundry to iron. I would charge $20.00 to vacuum carpets, sweep floors and stairs, clean the kitchen and bathroom. I kept money in my pocket. I babysat after school. Weekends were the best!

In High School I transferred out of electronics into culinary arts. I won my first award my sophomore year at a nationally ranked Food exhibition....very similar to the Food Network cooking competitions. I won first place for a student. I made a Gallantine of Capon which is a forced meat dish (it took weeks to plan and execute). It was layed out beautifully on a gilded frame mirror the size of a small country. I also got honorable mention in sugar sculpture, working with marzipan and fondant. I have won all sorts of cooking awards all through out my High School career. I had dreams of becoming a chef on a cruise ship...LOL!

OK tomorrow more successes!

ANYBODY CAN HARM YOU, HURT YOU, KILL YOU...BUT LOVE THAT IS A SCARY THING

I have observed in my own life how much pain and suffering is easily doled out and received. And yet love is often treated like a bad disease. I have noticed in my own life how quick I am to shower myself with scorn and self-loathing. While speaking lovingly seems like a foreign concept.

It is easy to harm, hurt or kill. But it is difficult to love freely and without abandon and fear. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is guarded and careful and fearful and insecure. No one wants to reach out for another unless they are sure; they are absolutely sure of their feelings. They are absolutely sure that the one they believe they love will not hurt, harm or kill them. But we are never really sure are we. I think Love is about walking on faith. I extend my heart and hand to another. Is there an expectation that the other will do the same? That is the hope.

I am beginning to look at the love in my life right now. Who do I love really? And how do I know? and how do they know? Am I telling and showing all those that I love that I love them? That I love them. How do I know if I am loved? What tells me so? What is my measure? What is my standard?

I am going to explore this for a bit. Because you cannot seek Love if you have no knowledge of love. I want to clearly define what love is for me. For me, I want to define what love is. I don't want to guess or adopt flowery language. I want to define it from my gut and heart and mind and soul and body. I want to walk on faith. Be authentic in my loveships. And sing to the heavens my own love songs.

I know what it is like to be harmed, hurt and threatened to be killed. I know what it's like to harm, hurt and almost kill. I want to know what it is like to fully understand and accept what it means to be loved. Loved as I am in this body, in this mind, in this moment.

IN MY OWN WAY...I MEAN I AM IN MY WAY...LIKE I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY...WAY

It's been a complicated and painful few weeks for me. I am adrift. Uncertain of which foot to put forward.

I have these short visions of what I want to do. Sometimes I know exactly what I want to be doing with this big old life. There are days when I am jumping out of bed racing to start the day. And there are days that I race to start the day but am unsure as to what that means exactly.

My dear friend Ko Johnson says I am too quick to own my fuck-ups and unwilling to own my triumphs. I have lived a remarkable life...extraordinary even. At least that is what the Federal Judge said to me last year. She also said "go and get your life back" "Go and continue on your extraordinary path" which according to a great many folks was a side to that particular Federal Judge NO ONE has ever seen or heard before.

Who am I these days? Who am I right now? Who do I think I am? Who do I believe I am ?

I read something recently that said list your 100 personal successes. I am a girl for lists! But my successes...hhhmm. I mean I am still working on my 1000 things I want to do before I die list! and then there is the LOVE LIST 100 qualities I want in a lover/soul mate/partner/husband which is inspiring to so many folks.

I am not without wise council and Sister-friend support. I am bathed in loving kindness and caring. My blog brothers and sisters have been amazing...Thank you. My "True Love Friends" are always but a whisper away.

This new malaise is perhaps troubling to me because I am feeling like I lost so much; and I am spending too much time looking back and not enough time looking forward. So perhaps my next steps is for deeper discernment. One that calls for pure nakedness and shedding of former lives in preparation for the new blessings. Blessings that could not possibly be received with a closed fist; Blessings that can't be received with a troubled heart.

I need a new plan, a compass, a map, a sense of purpose and being. I am so a girl for a purpose!

As I pray on the arrival of this answer I will blog my heart out. I will release this anxiety. I will move forward in love and joy.

I need to get out of my own way...really. I need to stay in prayer. And I need to allow for proper discernment.

I GOT THE BOOT: KICK-ASS BLOGGER AWARD!

My friend Kelso chose me as one of his picks for the Kick-Ass Awards. Now if you don't know Kelso, you better ask somebody. He is without a doubt one of the most brilliant and well read bloggers out there. He talks shit, backs it up and slaps you hard upside the head. I love his thinking process...I mean I have proposed to this man! LOL! Yes, I love a man with a fine mind. He brings an international perspective to American politics that you just don't see...anywhere!

THANK YOU KELSO! You have made my DAY...MY WEEK!