Sunday, September 27, 2015

If Health Is My Wealth... Then I Am Bankrupt (But Not For Long)

My life is always speaking to me. I have over the years been learning to listen to it. I have excelled and thrived in so many areas of my life... Except for two... Health and Romantic Love.

Oddly enough they are linked. I know this because I had another epiphany about how I am living. My state of being is a reflection of my state of being. I am not well. And I see slivers of hope in my romantic life as the tides changing in my favor. I am more open to love falling on me than at any time in my life. I like the woman I am becoming every minute... Open... Vulnerable... Giving... Solid...Fierce.. Beautiful. I know that someone will be my partner, I no longer have any doubts or worries or whatevers about that. They will show up just as I am showing up in my life... Ready.

My health is another story...

...There is evidence of a mild mild stroke the cardiologist says... We think it's caused by undiagnosed  diabetes.... We need to put you on additional medications... We need to take blood tests weekly for about a month. You need to get that weight off. You won't live long if you continue like this... If you do nothing at all. What do you want to do?

I sat on this for a couple of weeks. I just picked up the meds a few days ago after both Doctors called... They know I am afraid.. They know I am tired... They know I am stressed and worn thin. Yes, I let them sit at the pharmacy because I am afraid to go left or right or up or down. I just told my sister Lo a few days ago. I told my minister the other day. I told a man I have some romantic interest in. I need to tell myself. The telling of folks seems out of body for me and I can't seem to figure out what to say about any of this.

I have not been feeling well for a very long time. I have been resistant to getting my blood work done because I knew something was up. I seem to always be fighting some fucking battle and in saying that I can feel the taste of ingratitude on my lips. I am grateful that I can fight all these battles... God has been on my side all of my life.

So where am I now? Well, I am preparing to win. I can do this. I have done so many other hard things. I'm taking peeks at my future and where I see myself heading and I like what I imagine for myself. So while I am bankrupt healthwise at the moment, this is not the place I plan to stay.

Let the fighting back begin. I am a WINNER!

Monday, September 21, 2015

Lover. Soul Mate. Husband.

Some years ago I crafted a Love List (Check my archives)... 100 things I wanted in a Soul Mate. Fast forward almost a decade to a more manageable downsized Love List. 11 Things I need in a Lover, Soul Mate, Husband. I am planning to get married again, which means I am planning to be purposeful in my dating life. I am planning to chose more wisely. It begins with clarity about what it is I value in myself and in someone intimately connected to me.

Hey Universe I am putting it out there!

Be impeccable with your word. Consider me as you go about your day and in the choices you make. I will do the same. Show up honorable. Show up fearless.Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Confide in each other. Place more importance on sharing with each other than being concerned about what might be our reactions, because we know we are on each other's side. Believe in me,as I will believe in you. Count on me, as I will count on you. Need me as I need you.

If you feel compelled to have and want more than me and what I can give and bring to you. Then tell me. Cut right to the heart of the matter. Otherwise hold yourself sacred and I will do the same.

Walk in Truth. 
Have a code of ethics for yourself. Always be willing to tell the truth about how you feel, think and behave.

In deeds. Words. Actions. Lovemaking. I don't want sarcasm that is mean, or hurtful. I want romance in the ordinary course of the day... Not always grand sweeping gestures. Small and thoughtful.

Have your own interests 
That don't include me. We are not twins. I support your interests. Support mine. We are individuals merging and blending; we must hold to our independence too. Let us respect each others alone time.

Be willing to have an adventurous love. 
Be willing to do things. Try things. Experiment. Open to possibilities for more love and shared experiences.

Believe in the circle of family.
Be connected to family. Have peace within family. Blend our families as best as we can.

Willing to be honest about finances.
Create fiscal priorities.(Which I haven't done, but want to do this next time around)

Sense of humor
Can laugh and make light of things. Not stoic. Not hard. Not sarcastic.

Wants to be married.
Wants to exchange vows with family and friends in attendance. Wants to have a marriage that works... Not the fairy tale... But real shit. Talking. And more talking. Reasonable discussions. Room for disagreement and differing opinions. Commitment to working through everything.

Monday, September 7, 2015

To My Potential Lover... I am Ready For Love.

I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that I may get up in the middle of the night and seek solitude because being in the bed with you is suffocating and this has nothing to do with wanting you or not wanting you. I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that when you quickly take me into your arms I tense up and shut down because you triggered an old wound. It is is not your fault. I just haven't been able to fix this brokenness in myself yet.

These are the things that are apart of my reality. It takes a great deal of time to make sex and emotion connect for me. I know how to perform... I don't know how to love. I can rival that of a porn star, but I cannot share my inner most deep longings and desires. What may seem and feel like indifference is my inability to reach for you. You see I was left in my marriage because he couldn't wait for me to need him. He couldn't wait any longer for me to share with him my pain and suffering. He couldn't endure my aloneness. I didn't know how to include him. I am not sure I even understood that those that love you need inclusion.

So here I am dating again. Dating with vigor and joy. I am getting to know men who are honorable and lovely. I am treading slowly. I am trying to push through my fears and my barriers. They don't have to tear down walls and scale the castle walls. I must tear down the barriers and lower the draw bridge. I am deliberately not having sex... Because  I can easily separate sex and emotion and never connect. My heart and soul longs for connection.. Deep abiding connection. The kind of connection that allows for the celebration of vows of love and commitment!

I am a particular kind of woman that appeals to a particular kind of man. I know this. A Man who is brave in heart. Not daunted by a woman who is greatly scarred and wounded. A man that is drawn to my light and sees the goodness. A man who only wants my happiness. A man who is not sarcastic and hurtful and small and insecure and petty. A man who can lift me up and not feel like he needs to compete for the same spotlight. A man who is solidly himself and not a product of the contemporary world.

I know I am capable of love even while I walk the world with a gaping hole left by abuse/incest /sexual exploitation. Becoming a mother to children I adopted illuminated a path to love I have never known. Saving Grace. Raising my children is saving grace. I willed myself to be attentive and loving to them...Kissing them everyday.... hugging them at night... tucking them in at bedtime... I had to rise above my own shit to give them what every child needs, a loving caring parent. With each hug and kiss I was strengthening myself and tearing down walls and barriers to love. I wanted to be a mother who gave them love in action! I wanted them to have a mother who they would know loved them with good touch and sweet words. I feel good about this. I rose above my fears and stepped into motherhood like a boss!

Telling a lover all this has its own risks and terror. It is hard to explain. It is hard to get someone prepared for shit that might make them feel unloved and unwanted. I don't want the lover of my choosing to feel this way and if they do, I want to be able to explain and share. To open myself up wide so that  they embrace my truth and understand.

Yes, progress out of my abuse has been made. I have come a mighty long way with the love and support of folks who have nurtured my spirit. The fact that I believe true love will find me ready and open is a miracle. There is no bitterness to my spirit or my tongue. I want all that love brings and offers and I am ready to do the sustaining work to make it last.

Maybe this is a love letter to the potential love interest... Maybe this is sharing. I do know I am ready for love.