Sunday, July 28, 2013

Rest And Sleep Are Prayer

The body knows when it's tired.  It will just stop... shut down. Often times much needed rest can only be gotten if we are sick... I mean really really sick and we are FORCED to sit our asses down and rest.

As I think about rest, I can't help but think of resting as prayer... as a way to glorify God in silence and stillness. Stillness... one of the great ways to hear God speaking.

I am at the place of tired.  I am at the place of physical overwhelm. There is no denying... I AM TIRED...EXHAUSTED.

Resting in stillness is my ultimate prayer every night.  I see this clearly and I am embracing it.

Lord God,
send peaceful sleep
to refresh our tired bodies.
May your help always renew us
and keep us strong in your service.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Into your hands, O Lord, we commend our souls and bodies, beseeching you to keep us this night under your protection and strengthen us for our service on the morrow, for Christ's sake.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

I Don't Know What To Do....God Will Direct Me

“We are the ones we have been waiting for.”
June Jordan

The last few days this June Jordan quote has been haunting me... and I know what that means when something haunts me... God is trying to get my attention.

As I sit bearing witness to my life once again unraveling (or maybe this is just continued unraveling... meaning there was not ever a time when it wasn't unraveling).  I am summoning up all the tools I  have to face whatever the threat or fear is.

I found myself standing in the shower asking how did I get back to this place of desperation and despair?  How?  And then I could feel myself starting to cry.  Crying is good.... cleansing... healing.

What to do? I don't know? I really don't know. I feel paralyzed. I feel as if I am watching my life from another room. I think I am screaming, but no one notices. Is my facade that damn good that no one notices my break down? Well the years of perfecting bullshit is paying off I guess.

I seriously don't know what to do.  So I am going to let that June Jordan quote marinate in my spirit.  God will direct me, stir me into action. At the moment I just can't see my way clear and I know better than to try.

Back worrying about money, this house, how to make ends meet, all the responsibility of raising kids and having a decent life that isn't filled with desperation and fear.  There is this inescapable loneliness to my life that always hangs on the periphery.

I am in the thick of it and I am using every skill and tool at my command to stay on this side of life. I am easy to go to the dark place when I start to feel defeated.  God knows that about me... this is why I believe I am blessed with miracles and epiphanies. God is always saving my life.

Love all around is saving grace. And all grace is undeserved except for babies and young children.

God will direct me and the outcome may well be unexpected and totally out of nowhere.  At this point in my life I can experience these challenges and NOT be totally felled by them.  I have spent enough time with God to get this.  And get this I do.

It's aright that I don't know what to do.

Hey *Zora, God's got the answer and he will answer it on my behalf this year.

*“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”― Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

Friday, July 12, 2013

My Choices Reflect My Life

I am coming to understand that what shows up in my life is a reflection of what's on my heart, mind and soul.  That whatever choices I make reflect my state of mind... my state of being... my state of state insanity.

This is a hard truth. This is the truth I have been running from all of my adult life.

God has been trying with great success to get me to see this. God does not say aha I gotcha! Instead God says come and seek shelter and liberation and peace... I got your back.  But in the back of my mind, in some far reaching corner of my heart fear casts doubt, even as I beleive in God's call, I am reluctant to go and come.

Like most people, I am learning to live as I go along.  Or maybe most people don't see it that way... many will say it is what it is.  I do know that I am more open to this life right now than I have ever been.  And I swear the more open I become, the more opening I have to do.  Opening is infinite... like love... like God.

Resistance is addictive. I see that now, otherwise why resist?  I am not sure I ever fully explored why I am resistant to EVERYTHING I SAY I WANT ONCE IT SHOWS UP!

I am open to opening more beyond what even I know is possible.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Vulnerability: Running. Numbing. Hiding.

I am reading Brené Brown's, Daring Greatly.  I bought this book last year after seeing her TED Talks presentation.  I was blown away.  Then of course I saw her on Oprah, and you know how God speaks to me.... sends me the message and or the messenger over and over and over until I pay attention. (paying attention to God is always challenging for me--not because I don't like God, mostly I don't like what God is directing me to do)  Anyway, this book, Daring Greatly is fucking with me in a good way. I finally started reading it and I can't put it down.  The more I read, the more I "get it" and it is terrifying and thrilling all at once. That kind of vulnerability is what I have been running from my entire life and I just didn't know what to call it, or identify it, let alone deal with it. I do believe God was trying to get me to see this.

Vulnerability. Fighting to be naked in a world that can't tolerate nakedness; before any questions are asked in earnest... who am I and what do I want?, requires a real standing in truth about what it is I am seeking.  This is where I was/am stuck... trying to skip vulnerability and ignoring shame. Ha ha ha ha! I was truly doing that and did it for so long that I have justified and institutionalize doing it... RUNNING!  NUMBING! HIDING! 
Running from people and situations that call me to be deeper... like love, intimate relationships and commitments. Numbing by drinking too much, playing too hard, jumping from one thing to the next as to not rest.  Busyness.  Hiding like the "all great and powerful" man behind the curtain.  If you saw me in all my realness.... that is the shame having a great deal of power in the direction of my life.

Oh there is more. Lots more. Years and years of more.  Somehow I don't think going back to look at it all is the answer or the key. I can glance back and see it all now, and know that I was running, numbing and hiding.

Now to stop it and move in an entirely new direction (see I knew the E.N.D. I picked up along the way would come in handy)  Well I need to finish the book and see where it takes me. 

God gives us enough illumination for the next step.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

What Is The Question?

The fantasy is better than the reality. In my fantasy things work out according to my desires. In reality people are just full of shit.
I am a dreamer... real life shit is shit.  My fantasy is so much richer and deeper and more a reflection of what I think about than the reality of my life.
Why don't I make the reality more to my liking?  Well I haven't figured out how to do that.  Some of that would require not settling for bullshit.  And good bullshit is hard to detect immediately.  It requires time put in.  And before you know it, you have spent a ridiculous amount of time on bullshit.
I don't even want to give this any more energy, because it drags me back to  my original thoughts.  What the fuck am I talking about? MY WHOLE LIFE AND WHERE I AM GOING AND WHAT I AM DOING AND WITH WHOM AM I DOING IT WITH. BULLSHIT.
There are moments when I can see the future and I like it.  The image is so clear, yet fleeting.  I am overjoyed then I start backtracking about what I witnessed.... my current reality doesn't reflect what I saw, what I glimpsed.  That annoys me and makes me sad.  I either open myself up to the life of my dreams or I stay stuck... settling for bullshit.  I have spent too much time on bullshit.
I am making a mistake and I know it.
I can hear Zora* begging me to choose this year to answer the questions... because I declared that I would and I spent so many years asking the fucking questions.  The fantasy is better than the reality. In my fantasy things work out according to my desires. In reality people are just full of shit. This haunts me and I can't seem to untangle myself from it. What is the question here? What am I afraid to ask? What am I afraid to answer?

*“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”...Zora Neale Hurston



Tuesday, July 2, 2013

2 Months Being 50:Path Illuming

I am acutely aware of being 50 years old.  I like being acutely aware.  I like there is a sense of urgency hovering in the back of my mind.  Time is marching on.  I am not wasting time lamenting the fact that time is marching on. I am intuned to it.  I am aware of it.  I am more motivated to live deeply and fully. I find myself consciously wanting to feel everything and dig deeper into whatever the feeling is, whatever the moment is teaching me.

When I kiss him (the Potential Mr. Babz) I lean in and fully kiss him.  When I hug my kids, I fully hug them and I hold on a few seconds longer. This is how I am not taking them or this life for granted.  I dismiss nothing. I go into the dark. I grapple with the fears. I forgive myself and start again. I start again, that is the saving grace.

I can't say that I can see the road ahead.  I have learned that is not about the path ahead, but the path illuming... one step at a time. I find great strength in surrendering to one step. It quells my fears and allows for courage to show up and move me forward. I have made peace with being afraid. There is often great clarity in being afraid. In being afraid I make myself look at the fear and take it apart...taking myself through the worst case scenario and lingering in. What do I see? What do I feel?

Being 50 is divine.  I am more hopeful than I have ever been.  I am more romantic than I have ever been. I am more courageous than I have ever been. I am in love with  my 50 year old myself .