Saturday, April 30, 2011


I have all that I need at this point in my life.  But, I want more!  Now here's where it gets tricky....the wanting more.  What is wanting more?  and what do I mean when I say I want more?

Do I want more love? Money? Free Time? Prosperity? Great Friends? What is the wanting more?  I believe I waxed poetic about this a long time ago, and now I am revisiting it.  I hear myself saying  all the time I just want more.  And honestly I can't really explain what the more is. 

Maybe it's not that I want more, but perhaps there is a balance and sense of peace that I am after.  Maybe it's wanting what I already have and moving my mind to embrace that thinking.  What is wanting more?  and what do I want more of ?  Am I really mindless in my declarations of wanting more?  Am I saying that by having more is a sign of success?  Does having more give me the security I so desperately want?

I am easily seduced by the worldly messages of Get More, Have More, Want More, More More More!.  The more I want the less I think I have.  This train of thought keeps me rooted in lack.  As long as I see myself with less and the desire for more grows, I remain trapped in a cycle of dis-ease, chaos, worry, over indulgence, greed and selfishness.  I am not being overly critical, just standing in my truth.  And in standing in truth you got to turn over and put down all the lies that keep you mired in madness, unhappiness, depression and mess.  I find myself measuring my happiness by the things I have and acquired.  That is a false sense of peace and pride.  I know it...or at least I am learning it.

Overcoming the seduction of wanting more will require me to pay closer attention to my heart and mind.  To be more conscious of what I say and how I speak it in prayers and everyday conversations.  If there is more to be had, then I have to redefine that from a grounded spiritual, loving and God focused place.  If there is more for me, then it has to be used for the greater good of serving and not just receiving for the sake of having more.

I am thinking and feeling my way forward.  My birthday is coming and the kind of woman I want to be is right there on the horizon.  I am walking toward her.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Yolanda Adams- Never give up (lyrics)

You can't get more inspiring than this beautiful song by Yolanda Adams! Lyrics included. I needed this song right now! I feel encouraged.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I want some quiet time.  I want everyone to shut up around me.  Not forever, just for a little while.  I need to not talk about every emotion I am having.  Perhaps this is why I blog and love it.  I can purge, I can rant and I can say whatever and let it go.  I don't have to keep telling the same story of how I am feeling over and over again.  Sometimes you just gotta sit with your own shit and be still.

If someone loves you they let you be.  Now I don't mean abandon you, or allow you to fall deep into an abyss without at least trying to rescue you.  I am talking about, when I need my space, give it to me without a whole lot of arm twisting.  There are ways to be with someone without being intrusive or annoying.  Perhaps I am being selfish. Or clearly not relationship ready and when I say relationship I mean any and all, not just the romantic ones...although those tend to get on my nerves the most.

I think I am crossing over to whining.  I have been known to whine on occasion.  I have whined on this blog more times than I care to go back and check.

There is so much to think about.  I mean I have real life decisions to make and deal with.  I am a mom and I love it, but I gotta suck up some of my bullshit and be totally present for my kids.  I am a friend to a few folks who I adore and that brings me great joy.  I am trying to row my small boat on the big open sea and even though I have real sailing skills (because I lived a big life so I have experience) I still find myself braving the elements alone.  My faith in God is BIG BIG BIG, so I am not alone in that regard.  I think I am saying someone please get me....just don't do a whole lot of talking.  Or if you need me to talk back, coax me gently and lovingly.  I can't be shuts me down TOTALLY.

My oars are in the water and baby I am rowing.  I am a rower.  I refuse to sink, so swimming is my only option. Being quiet brings me that kind of clarity and confidence. Metaphors seemingly explain my thinking....I hope.  Anyway, time to look for a song to lift my mood and inspire me on.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I just feel like I want to keep talking.  I want to say everything that's on my mind and in my heart.  Maybe I am feeling the need to talk so much because it's Spring and my birthday is coming and I want to get all the mess out of the way so I can just enjoy my day.

Maybe, I am stuck.  Maybe I am like Dorothy at the crossroads...which way Toto, which way?  And believe me I have a cast of characters in my life to push and pull me down the yellow brick road.  Some days I like being pushed.  Sometimes I even liked being pulled.  These days I don't like being pushed or pulled and maybe that's why I am so uughhh.

Maybe I am wandering.  Maybe I am longing for something I can't quite put my finger on.  Maybe I am just too much in my own head and not enough in doing.  Or maybe I am doing too much and not enough in my head.  Either way, I am out of balance...out of focus.  Maybe it's because it's Spring and my birthday is coming.  I love my birthday.  However I have no real plans yet.  There is a strong desire to just disappear and be anywhere but here.  Maybe I could steal a few hours to myself.  Maybe I could just get on the train and ride until... well I stop somewhere.

Maybe maybe maybe.

I love the flowers blooming.  I can see the peonies on my front lawn pushing up.  The hydrangea is budding and of course the roses are starting to get leaves.  Is it possible to want too much and not really know what the too much is?

Monday, April 25, 2011


I am choosing not to be afraid.  I mean I could be afraid.  My back is up against the wall and I have decisions to make and yet I am not afraid.  I have seen enough and done enough in my life to know worrying doesn't do anything to help. Worrying only makes you sick.

So I am choosing not to be afraid.  I am also choosing not to sit in judgement of other people's choices even if I think they are stupid.  I can only control how I feel about things going on in my life.  Spending time pondering other folk's choices is not my idea of a good time.  Besides I have enough on my plate.  It doesn't mean I don't care, quite the contrary, everyone has their own path. I care deeply about people.  But I have learned that you can't change anyone....except yourself.

What I can do is move out of the way of bullshit.  Or leave bullshit alone.  Looking at someones life in totality is how you decide if you want them to be in your life.  If the choices they made rub you the wrong way, then walk away and leave them to their own designs.  That's not judging, that's self preservation.  I need to take better care.  There is too much noise in my life and I can't stand it.

This is my purging.  I am releasing bullshit. I have to listen to my own inner call.  I know me.  I know what works for me.  Sure there is room for improvement...a great deal of room for improvement.  But this is my life.  I make the choices for my own direction.  And sometimes the decision is clearly to let go and keep walking away.  Wasting time trying to fix something that is beyond broken is insane.  But this isn't about that.

I am thinking.  I am reading.  I am praying.  I am being honest with myself.  I am moving on.

I am divinely in the moment.  I am very present.  I am not wincing or running or trying to hurry past my uncomfortable thoughts.  I am feeling what I am feeling and I am OK.  I am trusting my insights.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


I know folks are wedded, lock, stock and barrel to New Year's as the "official" date for resolutions.  But for me, I love Easter.  I love Spring as the jumping off point for all things new and exciting!  Yes, I make resolutions on Jan 1st, but I am also drawn to Spring and Easter as a more realistic and life affirming time to resolve to make changes in my life.  It is so spiritual and holy that I can't help but feel the fervor of the Season...

Maybe it's because things pop up in the garden and hints of lush green things spring up all over the beginnings!  Maybe it's all the great stories of the Hebrew scriptures... Moses... etc.  Or maybe I  just need a few more months to get it together beyond January. Whatever the reason, I love Spring!  It certainly is a most holy time with Passover, Crucifixion and  Resurrection.  This to me moves me to a state of readiness about not wasting time...seizing the moment!

For me Spring speaks to the possibilities of all my heart's desires.  What dream have I let die and can be resurrected?  This is the time for possibility thinking.  This is the time to cultivate all those might-have-beens.  This is why I love this Holy season....anything and everything is POSSIBLE!

I am taking more than a few moments during this holy season and think about what dreams I have, what goals I have let fall by the wayside.  See where resurrecting something in my life that was long forgotten could inspire me to reconnect to my better self.  Surely this is the season of miracles.

Happy Easter!

Thursday, April 7, 2011


I am guilty of not wanting to extend myself in love for love.  I am guilty of being selfish.  I am guilty of being afraid.  Holding onto my fears does not bring me peace, joy or love.  What is does bring me is drama, confusion, missed opportunities and loneliness.  This is not a "Beat Me Up" post.  This is a cleansing and I gotta let love rule post.

For the first time in my life I can see the pitfalls in the path.  I don't have to fall to the bottom of the well to get a clue.  I can stop the train before it wrecks.  And it doesn't matter if I am too late.  What matters is I am recognizing my mess and I am getting in front of owning my crap.  This is empowering.  Sometimes you gotta lose before you can win.  I have lost a great deal and I don't want to lose anymore.

I have more than I need for the journey of now.  I am the magic.  I am the wise warrior queen.  Who knows more about me than me.  I am grateful for all the self-help books, Oprah, bloggers who know how to soothe and support, sister-friends who boost me up.  I have a village.  I no longer have to be a fool or be foolish.  I don't have to choose fear over love.

Sitting in my Doctor's office this morning I realized that I have to live as I dream....fully and in living color!  I have to open myself up and let all this love flow in and out of ME!  Good health begins with a good mind.  A healthy positive mind.  My thoughts and spirit reflect my well-being.  I have to believe in my ability to achieve excellent health and be disciplined and deliberate in achieving it.

I've been turned around a bit, but I believe I am back on course.  I can see with such clarity that I am astounded at who I was was a few weeks ago.  Who am I now?  I believe I know.  Today I swear I know who I am and what I want. I am smiling.  I feel encouraged.

THIS IS GOD'S REAL GIFT TO US...THE AHA MOMENT!  That moment of sheer clarity and understanding.  The moment when who I am is in harmony with what I want.  And that what I have is exactly what I want!

Yes, I am smiling and I am encouraged.

Monday, April 4, 2011


Where am I these days?  What am I doing? It's been a hard winter and not just because of all the snow.  It was hard because I was tying to be in a relationship on my own terms.  Meaning I wanted him to do as I wanted and have no opposing opinion. Yes I was that woman for well over a year.  A controlling, manipulative witch. My way or the highway chick.  I was dreadful.  Then I had the nerve to act as though I didn't understand why this loveship wasn't working. Hilarious!  I mean I really had my panties in a bunch over not getting my way ALL THE TIME. Ha.

Yes I could wax poetic on this blog about growing and loving love and embracing the now.  But seriously I wasn't doing enough to invite love in.  I was not being welcoming.  I was being guarded.  I wanted love at arms length, without risk, without real commitment on my part.  Who am I and What Do I want?

Love is deliberate. Love is courageous.  If you are afraid then you cannot love. It's that simple.  If you are guarded then you will not experience the fullness of divine love.  Making love is not the same as love.  Making love is the physical manifestation of desire and if your lucky there's some love thrown into the mix.  I have had loveless sex more times than I care to think about and still longed for a deeper love after many nights of the most illicit sex.  For me sex is not the binding force of a loveship.  I want more.

The kind of love my heart and soul desires is the kind of love that says come and let me wash your feet.  Let me serve you.  Let me be kind and generous with my time.  Let me share my deepest thoughts and long kept secrets. There is no other love that can satisfy the soul.  I must love deeply and fully from a place of trust, joy and faith.  Yes for the sake of another, but most importantly for my own well-being.

I am still too much for the fear and often I don't even recognize it, until after I fixed my mouth to speak coldly and nasty to my beloved.  I don't recognize myself in those moments when I am quick to hurt and tear down trust, faith and Love's possibilities for the future.

I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH.  I have been a fool. I have been a fool.  I have been a fool.