These Summer Fall Days...

I just grew into being resolved about not dating.
Not stressing about children.
Not worrying about what is next.

I am enjoying the sweet moments of now. Oh yes, there are long range plans and short term goals and changing course and new intentions and dream chasing.

Always dream chasing.

The aloneness is not vast and scary. It has a new definition... I can do what I want.

I am shedding shoulds and embracing maybes and yeses! Saying resolute no's when I feel like saying no. No second guessing and certainly no guilt. No is a complete sentence. And means the same in every language.

Everyday I ask...What is possible? And I set off running to find out.

The din of voices who are contrary to my dreams and wishes fall on my deaf ears. I can't hear them. I have a bigger voice and a stronger song. I am living loudly.

I used to listen to (hims, thems, theys, ya'lls) with a longing to be wanted... Configuring my heart and soul into their desired thing. Ha, how absurd was I? Atlas, I am so done with raking myself over the coals for my choices made in fear. Instead, I forgive myself and move on.

October is coming... For me, that loaded month of memory and new opportunities all rolled up with the crispness of the air signalling Fall.

I Have One Fucking Rule....

Do Not Go Back For More Where There Is Only Less.

That's it.

So when you ask me what governs my life, this is the answer: Do not go back for more where there is only less. You see when I apply this to whatever situation I am in, the answer is clear. Leave shit alone... Walk the hell away or stay and suffer. I can only tolerate suffering for a few moments then I'm bailing.

You know what causes you pain. And you alone know how to stop the bleeding. So stop the bleeding,,, Unless the bleeding brings you some pleasure. And Baby that's when you know it's time to get help. Real help. Not your girlfriends over vodka tonics. Couch time with a trained professional... A Head Cleaner.

What I know for sure... that first you get the test... then the lesson. I believe this to be true because we think we will recognize the bullshit that keeps showing up in our lives.That's the test. Then we learn how to recognize bullshit, that's the lesson. I can attest we do not always learn the lessons or past the test for the first, second, or third time. I believe we don't recognize the bullshit because we are hoping that this time will be different than all the other times. We operate in a state of denial. We hope against hope that maybe what we are seeing and experiencing is just momentary and not real. It's always real. Sometimes people and opportunities show up as just what is needed until you realize this is not what's needed. Just the opposite. Then we go into a tailspin of sadness, depression and self assassination. How could I? Why did I? Raking ourselves through our history with that person and or situation. We see it... The moment we swallowed bullshit... Accepted bullshit... Settled for bullshit.

Life is to be lived with great gusto, Even in our quiet moments we ought to savor them. I can't afford to languish in bullshit, with people who just sell wolf tickets to a life they do not live nor even believe is possible. I can't hang with you as you entertain mess masquerading as foolish imitations of love and concern. And I certainly won't sit through someone pining away for someone else who has kicked you to the curb...Even if they haven't verbally said it... Yet their actions tell the truth. And you wander through their universe blind and unhappy. That's not what I want for myself. That's not who I want for myself.

I know how good love feels. I now how much I love myself. I am invested in my own happiness.

I have one fucking rule: Don't go back for more where there is only less.

Temporary. SShhh I Need Peace & Quiet

Love calls me to try.  And Try. And try again.

Love calls me to surrender... not my beliefs, or my hard earned confidence.

Love calls me to lay down my "I" for the "We"

The fear of that is almost crippling.  It isn't about trust so much as it is about the uncertainty of someone else having that kind of power over my well-being.  Even if that someone is someonr I've know a lifetime.

I want to be cared for and taken care of.  I want to be thought of first.  I want to be loved beyond measure.

I can indeed care and take care of someone's heart and soul.  I can indeed put someone else first.  I can love beyond measure.

I am walking in the quiet spaces of my life at the moment.  There is no energy for argument or well made points. I can't see another side to shit right now. I can't even talk about what my feelings are.  This is real relationship fatigue.  I need quiet.  I am not running away or denying there isn't more to say.  Just right now, I need wide open spaces.  Hang in if you can, or make your way in the world without me.  I just can't talk about you and me.

I love you for my life, you are a friend of mine.... Donnie Hathaway.  Give me the room, space and distance I need to grow, and come back more ready.  Today and tomorrow, I can't open up for you.  and no, I don't want to have you open up to me.

Temporary.  It is all temporary.
SShhh.  I need Peace. Quiet.

The world is too loud and your added frustrations make the world even louder. This is not a breaking up of any sort.  It is about moving in an Entirely New Direction... E.N.D.

I am not gone.  I am right here in the day-to-day with you, distracted, present, loving, mean, afraid, courageous.  The ebb and flow of life and the routines that keeps us all sane, grounded and safe.

Temporary.

Faith Forward Friday: Managing My Disappointments....

His behavior of not seeing our kids is not a newsflash.  He has done this before.  Again this is not about him.  What I must do now is to begin the process of talking about disappointment with my kids.  They are of the age where I no longer can sprinkle fairy dust on their Father's behavior.  They have eyes and they are smart.  They are starting to see how things are.  What they do not have is a reference point for how to process what they see and how it makes them feel.  They also are not privy to the whole truth of things.  So I have to teach them about how to manage disappointment and still maintain love for the one who disappoints you.

This is my work to do in my spirit.  Manage my disappointment of my Ex as well as the overall disappointments of my life.  However way I handle this, it does  becomes the lessons I am teaching them. If I allow the disappointment to become larger than life in my everyday life, then they will internalize that and that will be the lessons I am teaching.  This is my teachable moment about truth, love and the reality of what I see  and experience on  top of what I feel.  I cannot allow them to be ruled solely by their emotions.  I cannot be solely ruled by my emotions. There has to be a balance and real truth telling that allows them and me to find that balance.  I do not mean the truth telling that requires me to tell them every bad thing about their Father... his actions alone will do that.  What I am talking about is the truth that we are all human, we all make mistakes and that we all benefit from undeserved grace.  There is no blame, there is only owning your own messes and doing the best you can to manage your life.  And I do mean manage your life and allowing for all the experiences that come with living... joy, pain, sorrow, happiness, love and disappointments and fears.

If I do not manage my disappointments right now and teach them to manage theirs, they will begin to look for their father in every relationship they have moving forward.  They will unconsciously try to fix in those coming relationships what is not theirs to fix.  They will play out this drama over and over again and not understand why they keep ending up in the place of lack and unhappiness.  I am not saying I can save them from unhappiness.  I can however model for them a behavior that they can absorb as a tool moving forward.  This thinking and action helps them manage their being in the world and not reacting to the world. It helps me become more the Grown Woman of my dreams.

I WANT TO BE RESCUED...I don't want to be a lonely independent woman.

Today, in this moment I want to be rescued.  I want to be pampered, coddled and tended to.  I want kindness heaped on me for no good reason. I want to be the center of some one's attention.  I want someone to say "Don't worry, I got this"  and I want it to be true.  I want someone to run my bath and fill it with hot hot water with lovely oils and fluffy towels and when I get out of the bath I want him to rub my back with lotion.  I want my feet massaged. I want my scalp massaged. I want to be fanned.

Today I want to be rescued. I want to be babied.  I want to be wrapped in a hug that has nothing to do with sex or foreplay. I want poetry whispered in my ear.  I want vegan chocolates and champagne at midnight and scrambled eggs and turkey bacon at noon.

It is lonely in my bed, in my house, in my life.  I miss the company of someone. I miss mundane.  I miss ordinary. I miss Sunday mornings with all the newspapers spread across the bed with bagels and non-dairy cream cheese (yes non-dairy cream cheese does exist).  I want what used to be, because it ended before I could really enjoy it. Sigh.

Today in this moment I want to be rescued. I want to be thought of.  I want to be wanted.  I am tired of feeling like the last kid on the playground not picked for kick ball.(although  that was not my reality as a child)

I want I want I want I want. I want to be rescued.... I don't want to be a lonely independent woman.  And shut up to all those folks who say wait and fill your life with things and activities and crafts and toys and friends.  I know all that stuff! I have done all that stuff!

In this moment...

...I want to be rescued.

FAITH TESTED

It is amazing how pain and suffering can keep you paralyzed and focused on your pain and suffering. I cannot lose sight of the fact that I believe in a restorative God.  A God who has been with me at the darkest of darkest moments, of abuse, abandonment, scandal, divorce, death of loved ones and on and on.  God has celebrated with me during the most amazing times in my life..graduating college, getting married, my first job, graduating grad school,  adopting kids, first house and on and on.  If my knot is fraying, I have no choice but to tie another and hang on.  If I am sad and lonely I must remember that I am not alone.  I am always in the care and company of the greatest of companions.

I went to bed last night feeling defeated, tired and very much alone.  But this morning I woke up with a different mindset. Not so much clarity, but rather a sense of peace. I have always been more than alright. I am going to be better than alright moving forward.  Diamonds are made from the pressure of the earth forcing it into existence. Children come through labor. Champion athletes win because they are willing to endure the suffering necessary for greatness.  There is no easy way to destiny.  You either hear and follow the call or you sit and stay where you are.  I have never been one to sit and stay.  No matter how much I wished I could.

There is a ministry waiting for me.  There is a Call and Send, that is preparing me.  These last few days my faith has been tested.  The pain I experienced were rooted in things that I thought I put to rest.  And yet they showed up stronger than ever and I was seduced by my ego. I took the opportunity to act in such a way as to let folks know they hurt me.  This is past mess and I got sucked in.  This is not not where I want to be and that past mess is not my deal right now.  This surely is a faith test.  I would have failed if I kept on going down that path.  This morning, I have u-turned.  I am putting my mind off the things that hurt and focusing on listening to God.

Yesterday and the days before hurt way too much, but it was because I let it. I allowed the negative thoughts and feelings to grow and take over.  I allowed my loneliness and pain, and disappointments to trump my joy, happiness and love. I was so focused on lack and loss that I acted as if there was nothing else in my life. It was overwhelming to me how I allowed past mess to stand in my present and run amok.  I acted as though I was helpless.

I am going to take a vacation from blogging.  Not a long one.  Just a few days to relax. Laugh. Hang around and do some other things.  It's been an exhausting couple of days.

FUCK IT, IT HURTS WAY TOO MUCH

I swear I am walking through the world trying to hold onto everything I can to stay grounded. To stay on this planet to stay amongst the living.  I am drowning.  This is not treading water. This is hopelessness. This is I am giving  up.

Fuck it, this hurts way too much.  I don't even know what the way-too-much is.  The aloness is crippling and blinding. I am reminded of what I don't have, what I have lost, what I have never had.  What the fuck. Everything is like a knife driving into my heart.  There is no comfort anywhere.  I just want to cry and scream and throw shit.  But I don't because I have kids and they need and deserve a somewhat sane parent.  Thank God for routine...cooking, preparing for their lives, taking care.  But even those things are slipping from my grasp.  I can feel it. I can feel myself at the end of my rope and the knot that I made to hang onto is fraying.

Fuck it, this hurts way too much. I don't know how to stand against this kind of breaking of spirit. I am fighting tears now and I am losing. I have tools, I know how to fight. I know how to be still and none of that shit is working! I swear it's like I am in this terrible wind storm and if i just let go, I'll blow away.  And being blown away doesn't seem like a bad idea. I can almost feel the relief.

Treading Water...

I have been short-tempered with everyone and everything.  I have been impatient, frustrated, prickly.  Say something to me and I am ready to explode.  I am annoyed at my kids and angry with them a lot.  I am tired and worried and I want everyone to just leave me alone.

There is no one to blame for my angst and bad attitude.  It's not anything other than my own shit I am stuck on. I want to run away. I need a vacation.  I am broke.  I am up against it.  I am trying to think and move things around in my life in hopes of making something happen. I need something good to happen.  And this ladies and gentlemen is the wrong thinking.  I know it as I am purging it all in this post.  All the shit I am feeling is my own to carry and drop.  I know better and I am allowing myself to be wooed into destructive thinking.  I am acting as if I have no control of myself...my thoughts...my mind.

I cannot run away from my feelings of fear and despair.  But it is not enough to just sit in them and let them run rampant in my mind.  It is a real and constant battle to stay in grace.  To beat back the negative thoughts.  They ease in so quickly that you don't even realize you are thinking and doing shit that runs against what you say you want. I am overwhelmed in this moment and I am losing my focus.  I want to wallow in self-pity. I want to sing the "Oh, woe is me" chorus.  I get to act like I am helpless and powerless. This is how the devil wins and beats me.  He knows how to fan the flames of doubt and insecurity. He sees the weakness and sits in the cut and waits.

I am treading water in my life.  This is good because I am not drowning.   Treading water allows you to not swim, and not sink, you do however have to keep yourself afloat.  It is a resting of sorts until help arrives and that help may well be getting enough rest to swim to shore.

WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET BLESSINGS CHASE ME DOWN!

I have been imagining that God is a taxi driver, blowing his horn in his cab outside my door waiting for my ass to come out. I open the door and shout, I am ready, give me a minute, I'll be right there.  But the truth is if you are shouting back I am ready, I'll be right there, then chances are you are not ready!

I believed I was ready for every good thing coming my way.  But the reality is, I have overlooked the forest for the trees.  I was wishing and hoping for good things to happen and not noticing good things were happening all along. What I realized is that there have been many gifts laid in my lap and I stood up and let them crash to the floor.  It is only in hindsight that I see this clearly.  I am in the middle of a grand blessing and I was about to chuck it away when I realized I was being blind and stupid.  WOW!  It is a sobering thing to realize you let blessings chase you down.

When our prayers are answered we assume they will be answered in the same manner in which we asked...word for word.   We get ready for the magic and block out all other opportunities that come our way.  This is what I was doing.  I couldn't recognize my blessings because I was looking for them in the manner in which I asked for them in prayer. I know crazy right!  It was only until divine light illuminated my path (meaning when I took my head out of my ass) was I able to see my foolishness and recognize my blessing was here all along... chasing me down.

This is new for me.  This is a huge learning experience, seeing what is rather than what I hope would be.  Sometimes what we want is so not in alignment with what we need.  That blessings show up in the most unexpected packages, experiences and people and if we are not careful and open we will miss out.

So from now on when the taxi is outside my door blowing... I will open the door and step out ready!

YOU DESERVE MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE....

We do not trust that real love exists.  We settle for what looks like love and we make do.  We tell ourselves this is good...everyone comes with mess and this is the mess I am choosing to stick with. We do so much heavy lifting in relationships that give us so little happiness and joy that we almost believe we are happy and joyous in them.  We accept, tolerate and even support being given so little.  You deserve more than just a little.

Some of us can't face the notion of being alone or on the search for a new love. So we patch up what we have and keep it moving.  We tell ourselves all I can change is me.  And yet we don't, because if we did we wouldn't waste our time with mess.  Why do we want so little from someone? Why don't we ask boldly and grandly for love that is larger than life.  Love that takes your breath away everyday! And why do we accept someone else's opinions on what love is for us.

I just spent two years with a man who is beautiful and lovely but so not in harmony with my spirit.  He constantly was telling me I should do xyz, or that my thinking wasn't right, or that I need to ask more questions.  He was exhausting.  And yes, I miss him, but I am glad that he is gone.  Perhaps he will become more mellow and less critical. Perhaps he will become more joyous and light-hearted.  Perhaps I will become more serious, more focused, more disciplined. Or maybe not.  I do know what love is and there is no settling for anything less than amazing.  I want more than just a little...I want the whole damn thing!

ACTION ACTION ACTION

You get more than one chance at the majority of things in life.  Three strikes only pertains to baseball.  You get as many chances as you are willing to take!  That is the beauty of living.  You are not limited except by your own design.  No one gets to limit what you attempt to do.  No one has the right to kill your dreams, stomp on your wishes or block your blessings.  Not even YOU! 

I have long since rooted out the negative forces in my life so I don't have negative folks...frenemies (friends who are enemies) whispering their poison of DON'T CAN'T SHOULDN'T.  However, the world still goes round and those messages are still shouted and I can still hear them.  It takes a great deal of will to push back the world and its influence. 

So I am back at looking at my goals, wishes and dreams.  I am looking at where I need to act right now to get the results I want.  The results I want to see are multi-fold.  I want to see them, but I want the journey to achieve them to be loving, fun and positive.  If I hate doing it every minute of the day then that can't be a good goal to begin with.  So what am I saying?

My attitude has to be in harmony with my actions.  I mean I gotta be more than willing to push myself.  I gotta go the extra miles.  Out of contemplation mode...into ACTION mode!

ACTION ACTION ACTION! That has to be my mantra as I push myself toward my goals.  This is on me and I am ready. Doesn't matter what I started and stopped before.  Doesn't matter what the failure rate was last time.  There is only ahead and I am moving in that direction.

GOOD BYE REALITY SHOWS...YOU'RE FIRED! I AM CASTING MY VOTE FOR ME!

I am giving up Reality Shows.  I never thought I was watching that many.  I told myself I was discerning about the ones I gave my attention too.  I certainly didn't like shows that I thought were insipid, triffling and just plan outrageous.  I thought I was watching shows that were inspiring, motivating and intellectually interesting. HA HA HA!

I am realizing I am neither inspired, or motivated, by any of the ones I watch.  I was giving my attention to shows and taking away from pursuing my own dreams, goals and tasks.  Sitting on my couch intensely concerned about someone else reaching their goal of singing, cooking, racing, designing, decorating  did nothing for my motivation to reach my own goals.  How is it that I can cheer on stangers on tv and not cheer my ownself? Not push myself to the limit and yet I can encourage reality show participants to keep pushing.  Aren't I in a challenge?  What's at stake in my own life? I mean I need to redirect that thinking!

So I am giving up my reality shows.  Guilty pleasures that serve to do nothing more than dully entertain me, medicate me, divert my attention from focusing on my own quality of life and those around me in my care.  I am not knocking reality shows.  What I am doing, is putting my own life in order and pursuing the things I say that I want.  This is a quality of life issue. How do I want to live? What do I want on my mind and in my spirit.  In reality my life is as real as it gets...no cameras, no audience, no cheering fans. Just me, myself and I with kids.

Have I wasted time? I don't think so. I rather like to think that I get the message as needed. And I am getting the message that I need to turn my attention back to my own goal chasing.  I need to redirect my cheering away from "them" and back to me!  So goodbye Realtiy Shows, YOU"RE FIRED! I am casting my vote for ME!

PRESSING ON

My mind is a powerful thing.  I mean I can imagine a life for myself that blows me away!  I create my own reality. I am focused.  And though it may seem like a slow burn to those who are not me, I am clear about what I am doing.  Oh, now I wasn't always clear.  I've let the choir of "They & Them" sing me to doubt, uncertainty and fear.

I cannot allow the choir of "They & Them" craft the blueprint for my life.  My opinions, desires, dreams, are sacred.  I must treat my thoughts and actions as sacred.  I must surround myself with folks who deem me and my passions as sacred. Folks who hold my dreams as sacred as their own.  That is the real foundation for love... holding me and my spirit in sacredness.  And I gotta do that for me first.  You can't give what you don't have. So I gotta have something in that sacred space of my life to cultivate and share.

I press on seeking truth in my life.  Seeking truth in my desires.  Seeking truth in the things I value and love.  I am always asking  "Who Am I and What Do I want?

THE SEDUCTION OF WANTING MORE....

I have all that I need at this point in my life.  But, I want more!  Now here's where it gets tricky....the wanting more.  What is wanting more?  and what do I mean when I say I want more?

Do I want more love? Money? Free Time? Prosperity? Great Friends? What is the wanting more?  I believe I waxed poetic about this a long time ago, and now I am revisiting it.  I hear myself saying  all the time I just want more.  And honestly I can't really explain what the more is. 

Maybe it's not that I want more, but perhaps there is a balance and sense of peace that I am after.  Maybe it's wanting what I already have and moving my mind to embrace that thinking.  What is wanting more?  and what do I want more of ?  Am I really mindless in my declarations of wanting more?  Am I saying that by having more is a sign of success?  Does having more give me the security I so desperately want?

I am easily seduced by the worldly messages of Get More, Have More, Want More, More More More!.  The more I want the less I think I have.  This train of thought keeps me rooted in lack.  As long as I see myself with less and the desire for more grows, I remain trapped in a cycle of dis-ease, chaos, worry, over indulgence, greed and selfishness.  I am not being overly critical, just standing in my truth.  And in standing in truth you got to turn over and put down all the lies that keep you mired in madness, unhappiness, depression and mess.  I find myself measuring my happiness by the things I have and acquired.  That is a false sense of peace and pride.  I know it...or at least I am learning it.

Overcoming the seduction of wanting more will require me to pay closer attention to my heart and mind.  To be more conscious of what I say and how I speak it in prayers and everyday conversations.  If there is more to be had, then I have to redefine that from a grounded spiritual, loving and God focused place.  If there is more for me, then it has to be used for the greater good of serving and not just receiving for the sake of having more.

I am thinking and feeling my way forward.  My birthday is coming and the kind of woman I want to be is right there on the horizon.  I am walking toward her.

THE NEED FOR QUIET...STOP TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW!

I want some quiet time.  I want everyone to shut up around me.  Not forever, just for a little while.  I need to not talk about every emotion I am having.  Perhaps this is why I blog and love it.  I can purge, I can rant and I can say whatever and let it go.  I don't have to keep telling the same story of how I am feeling over and over again.  Sometimes you just gotta sit with your own shit and be still.

If someone loves you they let you be.  Now I don't mean abandon you, or allow you to fall deep into an abyss without at least trying to rescue you.  I am talking about, when I need my space, give it to me without a whole lot of arm twisting.  There are ways to be with someone without being intrusive or annoying.  Perhaps I am being selfish. Or clearly not relationship ready and when I say relationship I mean any and all, not just the romantic ones...although those tend to get on my nerves the most.

I think I am crossing over to whining.  I have been known to whine on occasion.  I have whined on this blog more times than I care to go back and check.

There is so much to think about.  I mean I have real life decisions to make and deal with.  I am a mom and I love it, but I gotta suck up some of my bullshit and be totally present for my kids.  I am a friend to a few folks who I adore and that brings me great joy.  I am trying to row my small boat on the big open sea and even though I have real sailing skills (because I lived a big life so I have experience) I still find myself braving the elements alone.  My faith in God is BIG BIG BIG, so I am not alone in that regard.  I think I am saying someone please get me....just don't do a whole lot of talking.  Or if you need me to talk back, coax me gently and lovingly.  I can't be bullied...it shuts me down TOTALLY.

My oars are in the water and baby I am rowing.  I am a rower.  I refuse to sink, so swimming is my only option. Being quiet brings me that kind of clarity and confidence. Metaphors seemingly explain my thinking....I hope.  Anyway, time to look for a song to lift my mood and inspire me on.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING....

I just feel like I want to keep talking.  I want to say everything that's on my mind and in my heart.  Maybe I am feeling the need to talk so much because it's Spring and my birthday is coming and I want to get all the mess out of the way so I can just enjoy my day.

Maybe, I am stuck.  Maybe I am like Dorothy at the crossroads...which way Toto, which way?  And believe me I have a cast of characters in my life to push and pull me down the yellow brick road.  Some days I like being pushed.  Sometimes I even liked being pulled.  These days I don't like being pushed or pulled and maybe that's why I am so uughhh.

Maybe I am wandering.  Maybe I am longing for something I can't quite put my finger on.  Maybe I am just too much in my own head and not enough in doing.  Or maybe I am doing too much and not enough in my head.  Either way, I am out of balance...out of focus.  Maybe it's because it's Spring and my birthday is coming.  I love my birthday.  However I have no real plans yet.  There is a strong desire to just disappear and be anywhere but here.  Maybe I could steal a few hours to myself.  Maybe I could just get on the train and ride until... well I stop somewhere.

Maybe maybe maybe.

I love the flowers blooming.  I can see the peonies on my front lawn pushing up.  The hydrangea is budding and of course the roses are starting to get leaves.  Is it possible to want too much and not really know what the too much is?

IN THE MOMENT....

I am choosing not to be afraid.  I mean I could be afraid.  My back is up against the wall and I have decisions to make and yet I am not afraid.  I have seen enough and done enough in my life to know worrying doesn't do anything to help. Worrying only makes you sick.

So I am choosing not to be afraid.  I am also choosing not to sit in judgement of other people's choices even if I think they are stupid.  I can only control how I feel about things going on in my life.  Spending time pondering other folk's choices is not my idea of a good time.  Besides I have enough on my plate.  It doesn't mean I don't care, quite the contrary, everyone has their own path. I care deeply about people.  But I have learned that you can't change anyone....except yourself.

What I can do is move out of the way of bullshit.  Or leave bullshit alone.  Looking at someones life in totality is how you decide if you want them to be in your life.  If the choices they made rub you the wrong way, then walk away and leave them to their own designs.  That's not judging, that's self preservation.  I need to take better care.  There is too much noise in my life and I can't stand it.

This is my purging.  I am releasing bullshit. I have to listen to my own inner call.  I know me.  I know what works for me.  Sure there is room for improvement...a great deal of room for improvement.  But this is my life.  I make the choices for my own direction.  And sometimes the decision is clearly to let go and keep walking away.  Wasting time trying to fix something that is beyond broken is insane.  But this isn't about that.

I am thinking.  I am reading.  I am praying.  I am being honest with myself.  I am moving on.

I am divinely in the moment.  I am very present.  I am not wincing or running or trying to hurry past my uncomfortable thoughts.  I am feeling what I am feeling and I am OK.  I am trusting my insights.

A FOOLISH WOMAN'S MEDITATION ON BEING A FOOL

Where am I these days?  What am I doing? It's been a hard winter and not just because of all the snow.  It was hard because I was tying to be in a relationship on my own terms.  Meaning I wanted him to do as I wanted and have no opposing opinion. Yes I was that woman for well over a year.  A controlling, manipulative witch. My way or the highway chick.  I was dreadful.  Then I had the nerve to act as though I didn't understand why this loveship wasn't working. Hilarious!  I mean I really had my panties in a bunch over not getting my way ALL THE TIME. Ha.

Yes I could wax poetic on this blog about growing and loving love and embracing the now.  But seriously I wasn't doing enough to invite love in.  I was not being welcoming.  I was being guarded.  I wanted love at arms length, without risk, without real commitment on my part.  Who am I and What Do I want?

Love is deliberate. Love is courageous.  If you are afraid then you cannot love. It's that simple.  If you are guarded then you will not experience the fullness of divine love.  Making love is not the same as love.  Making love is the physical manifestation of desire and if your lucky there's some love thrown into the mix.  I have had loveless sex more times than I care to think about and still longed for a deeper love after many nights of the most illicit sex.  For me sex is not the binding force of a loveship.  I want more.

The kind of love my heart and soul desires is the kind of love that says come and let me wash your feet.  Let me serve you.  Let me be kind and generous with my time.  Let me share my deepest thoughts and long kept secrets. There is no other love that can satisfy the soul.  I must love deeply and fully from a place of trust, joy and faith.  Yes for the sake of another, but most importantly for my own well-being.

I am still too much for the fear and often I don't even recognize it, until after I fixed my mouth to speak coldly and nasty to my beloved.  I don't recognize myself in those moments when I am quick to hurt and tear down trust, faith and Love's possibilities for the future.

I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH.  I have been a fool. I have been a fool.  I have been a fool.

LESSONS LEARNED AND MORE WHINING....

The level of criticism I throw at myself is outrageous.  It is so insidious that I don't even notice it while rushing through my day.  I don't even catch myself when I am rattling off in my head all the things that are wrong with me.  From worrying about losing weight, having enough money for basic shit, how am I going to keep this house.  I spend too much time thinking if I am drinking too much, or not eating enough fruits and vegetables.  I am due for an eye exam, and gynecological exam that I have to pay for because I don't have health insurance. Oh and I have to get back to my Dr. for a 6 month check-up for high blood pressure.  I am juggling all these 'have-to's" and trying not to have them crash and hit me in the head or worse throw more balls in the air!

So what have I learned in the last 3 years or so?  That peace is deliberate.  Love is deliberate.  Love and peace begin within.  That's it.  A simple message.  A simple shift in the way I think and go about the world.  Love and peace begin within. 

Paying attention to one's life is really paying attention to the smallest of smallest details.  It is the discipline of training your mind to be quiet and shut off the negative internal talk.  The big things in my life get the attention easily.  It is those seemingly small things that are left unattended to.

I am cutting myself some slack.  I know I haven't been disciplined, or kept my word on losing weight, or scaling back indulgences.  And I have been stubborn and whiny.  But still, I am cutting myself some slack.  I appreciate pressing on....soldering on....no pain, no gain.  I swear I just need to cut myself some slack.  Maybe this is more whining.  I am sure it is.  But for now that's all I want to do.  Tomorrow I am sure will be different as I continue to shift my thinking and move in that direction.

EXCUSES ARE THE TOOLS OF THE DEVIL

I am full of shit right now.  I am so excuse driven that I almost believe I can't do anything except make an excuse. I have such big dreams in my heart and mind, but when its time to take that leap of faith, I slink back to my cave...the inner recesses of my mind.  You would have thought I have never accomplished anything in my life.  But somehow I am feeling like I am in my own way and can't get past myself.

I do not believe I am having a mid-life crisis.  I don't think I am having a mental health break-down.  I do suspect that perhaps depression is making its way back into town and looking me up for old times sake.  I have learned a thing or two about myself over these last few years and I would say depression is trying to vacation in my space.

All the old tools don't work, I have to arm myself with a new box of tools for this new slick and witty and seductive form of depression.  It doesn't ask me to do dangerous stuff or harm myself.  It says: you are doing too much, rest, stop dreaming, settle, go along with the grain. You don't want to swim up stream do you?  Eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink, eat, eat.  Tomorrow work out or walk.  Tomorrow do something different.  Right now indulge you, feed you.  Make yourself feel better now. Excuses are the tools of the devil and I have been accepting his gifts.

The old me would have been totally seduced... easily and readily falling into old habits. The transitioning me knows better.  Oh yeah some of the seduction has been successful.  That's why I am lamenting.  That's why I am sharing and purging my soul.

I am going to bed armed with prayers and positive affirmations.  I am jumping out this bed in the morning and I am chasing the devil back into the ether.  What is required is sound sleep.  Peaceful rest and a deep abiding belief in knowing that I have all that I need for this part of my journey.  God has my back for sure.

I cannot and must not entertain this seductive menace. I've got things to do and love to make. I am keeping the faith for sure.