Friday, August 31, 2007


I am still a bit weepy. I am moving, I am going to jail and I am very much alone. Yes of course I have a strong base of friends and families. But in the midnight hour there is only me and my mind and my emotions and my story. In this bewitching hour I feel uneasy and restless. I feel myself slipping into a dark hole with no end in sight. This is tough for someone like me--who is, for the most part an optimist. What saves me from taking my own life in this moment--in the midst of all my tears, heartaches and life's failures is the fact that there are those that have lost a great deal MORE than their good names. This is the anniversary of Katrina--2 years have come and gone. Somehow I just don't feel right wallowing in my self-pity. I know where my kids are. We had a lovely dinner tonight and we live in a great house for the moment. And although my life is changing and I am losing my house in foreclosure, I am in good health, my children are well and my support system is ready and willing to slay my dragons. I have a new place to move to--it's not my beautiful home, but it's not a dive either--as a matter of fact it is quite lovely. Circumstances can try our souls and we may believe we can't go on, but we are stronger than we know. We are stronger than we know--I am living proof. There are moments when I want to die and I know I have these four children that I adopted, who save my life every fucking day. God knew I would need them in this moment. That stops me cold from taking my own life. They NEED me and I NEED them. So I move forward because somewhere I will find the strength to go on in my solitude. We are stronger than we know.

Thursday, August 30, 2007


I had my ultra sound this afternoon and there are NO LUMPS! Nothing to worry about. So I am fine and I can cross this off my list of things to worry over.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


I am awaiting my reporting papers from the Board of Prisons. My sentence of 30 days of imprisonment is schedule to start anytime between September 14 and October 1, 2007. I am hoping anytime after the 9/21--that's my son's birthday and we have a family birthday tradition, each child gets to make their own birthday cake--they pick the cake they want to make--vanilla or chocolate or some combination, they choose a color for the cake and the frosting--we use food coloring. My youngest daughter is still in the pink phase, so her cakes are always pink, pink, pink. My sons are into blues and orange. Anyway, as I am getting closer to my report time, I am grasping at remembering every little detail about my children. Mind you we haven't told them that I will be away--we will shortly. I am just waiting until I get a definitive report date. Each hurdle I have jumped since all this started is finally coming to an end. I have to do 30 days in prison, I have 5 months home confinement and 3 years of probation. And this will all be a distant memory. The wait is punishment. I feel like I am holding my breath under water and don't know when I will get to the surface. And yet, I remain optimistic, happy and in love with the transformation of my life.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


I am without a doubt a woman that always sees the glass half full. As my dearest friend Ron says, "you can't help yourself--it is in your nature" He is right. I prefer being happy. I charge forward no matter what. If I am afraid, I don't let my fears get the best of me--OK not all the time. I just plow ahead. That has been my life. So now that I am transitioning from one way of life to another I am secretly excited about the possibilities that are before me. I feel deliciously free--even though I am going to jail in a few weeks and will be under house arrest after that for 5 months, I feel free and independent. My mind and spirit aren't in jail nor will they be. I dream big, always have and I know that will not change. I am looking at the world through a different lens. All the change that is happening is very much like when you go have your eyes examined and the Dr. asks you to put your chin on the bar and look through the lens. He then starts flipping different lens in front of your eyes and ask if this lens is clearer or is this clearer, is A better than B. And sure enough you get a clear view and voila! you have your prescription! This is how my life is right now, I am flipping through different lenses and the view is getting clearer and clearer and pretty soon I will see a whole new world for me and my kids.

Monday, August 27, 2007


I got his email from Debbie Ford this morning. She is the author of the book Spiritual Divorce, Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary life.

This is how I know God is working for me: All weekend I have been overwhelmed with getting ready to give up my house. I have been crying and crying about this. I have been up tossing and turning in my bed worrying about this. I know I made my decision and I thought I made my peace with this decision. But each time I think about it, I get so stressed that I become paralyzed with fear. This house represents success and accomplishment and if I give it up, then I am a failure. I know this is ego and it is taking over my good sense. My sister Lo and I talked about this at great length--why can't I let this go? I suspect because I want to hold on to something that says that I haven't lost everything. I am holding on because to let go is to seemingly forfeit a life of achievement and accomplishment. I know it's a lot of pressure put on a house. And then I got Debbie Ford's email and I immediately knew that I was supposed to get this message today after this weekend of tears and anguish. I have to re-define what success is and IT CAN"T BE MEASURED IN MATERIAL THINGS. Material things come and go. So today, going forward I am re-defining success. The packing up of the house begins today.

Saturday, August 25, 2007


I have a blog over at Sparkpeople and the Black Moms Club (click links on my blog) I post about my weight loss journey on the Sparkpeople site and I am talking about the obesity crisis of Black Women at the Black Moms Club. This is such a touchy issue for me that I have wrestled it to the back burner for years and years. Anyway, I have decided to rethink my weight loss goals. In the beginning when I decided to make losing weight a priority I knew it was ambitious and I was up for it. Now with so many other things in my life that need my immediate attention, I have to surrender to the fact that I can't solely focus on weight. I mean I am eating for comfort, I am eating to distract, I am eating to numb. My health is important to me, I just can't focus on it--so I guess it really isn't, right? This is the problem with women in general and Black women specifically. Everything comes before our own health. I know better and yet I just can't muster the strength and commitment to do better. I am smart, well educated and pretty quick on my feet and yet this is a fight I need more help with then I anticipated. Last year I started a Internet weight loss support group for women and I can tell you that I haven't visited it in months--I have gotten emails from the 70 women I recruited but I haven't had the energy to respond. What can I say? So I am rethinking my weight loss goals. I have come to realize that I can and have given my self permission to do that and be OK. How quick I am to beat myself up and and how slow I am to nurture my wounded self. Nothing is written in stone...thank God. I can change my weight loss goals and be OK. I not abandoning them, just changing the intensity of the commitment...for now.

Friday, August 24, 2007


It is good to have a Sister and friends who will listen and offer wise council. Yesterday I was BLUE. Today not so blue. My Sister Lo, reminded me that change can be good. That I am just downsizing from a bigger space to a smaller space. New neighborhood, new living space, new beginning. So few get the opportunity to start again. Perhaps this isn't what I wanted, but the universe is nudging me forward and everything will be fine. I know this and I welcome this. I have to give myself permission to feel what I am feeling in that moment. I am so afraid of losing control of my emotions that I just hold it all in as if that denotes strength. It doesn't. It only sets me up for illness and dis-ease. When I look down the road behind me it amazes me how far I have come. It takes my breath away recalling all that I have endured to get to this place. I am not unhappy, nor am I sad. I remain steadfast in my belief that God has my back. So I am doing my best to lay my ego aside and not care so much about what others think about me, or my current state of affairs. I know what needs to be done in my life and I am doing it. Yep, I am not so blue to today. I am keeping the faith, baby.

Thursday, August 23, 2007


If I sit still and really think about what I am up against, I swear I will just jump off a building. I feel as if I am carrying the world on my shoulders and if I stop to ponder the reality of things, it will all come crashing down. Yep, I am feeling blue today. Maybe because I just got my period and the chemical imbalance is manifesting itself in a bad mood. I just want to crawl back into bed and veg for the day. And let the kids just watch mindless TV. I am feeling blue today. I just talked to my estranged husband and he can be such an asshole about well, everything. But mostly about money. He seems to think I should have more than I do--well maybe if I didn't have to buy school clothes, sneakers, shoes, etc and pay a few bills. And whatever else he thinks magically happens. I am feeling blue today. I have to get organized to pack down my house and get ready for the move, which maybe sometime in October. I haven't heard from the Federal Corrections Institution about my report date--the sooner I get in, the sooner I get out. Yep, I am blue today. I am blue today and I have no idea how I am going to shake it. Maybe I will just live with it for today and allow myself some Blue time.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


I just got back from meeting the Doctor about the lump that I am concern about from last Thursday's posting. He thinks the lump is nothing, however he is sending me for an ultrasound...just to be sure. I know Doctors have learned not to excite their patients and I am not the excitable type unless of course you mess with my kids. So I am taking this in stride too, I mean what else is there to do? So I am putting this in the back of mind as I make the appointment for the ultrasound. As I said to the Doctor--as a African-American woman, I just couldn't let this lump/nodule go un-looked at. Of course he said he understood--I really don't care if he did or didn't. I like being alive and being alive mean ensuring that I stay alive by accessing the best medical care I can get and I have EXCELLENT health insurance. OK it is lunch time in my universe and I must go and throw in the frozen pizza in the oven for the little darlings.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


I am still amazed at how just a few weeks ago I was so stressed out about what was about to happen. I worked hard at trying to stay focused and calm in the face of being sentenced for committing a crime--a federal white collar crime. The possibility of going to jail was so overwhelming to me that I thought I would just lay down and die. But I didn't and I haven't. Life manages to move on regardless of what is happening to me. Life moves forward and doesn't look back to see if your coming. The lesson I learned and there are many, but this one in particular, is that True Love is not about being there when all is good and fabulous. True Love shows up at the worst possible moments. It is a part of Life that does the looking back to make sure you are moving forward at your own speed. True Love is a first cousin of Grace and Blessings. If your paying attention, they are always hanging around reminding your soul of what is most important. This has been a TOUGH TIME for me and I have to give this tough time some reverence and not be so quick to shove her under the rug. I got to respect the tough times--it demands it--there is no getting around it until I surrender to it. I don't mean give up and let the chips fall where they may. I mean give tough times honor and know that tough times prepare you for the really good times that are just ahead, otherwise how will you know good times when you see them. I can feel myself growing in ways that I didn't see before and that in and of itself is a blessing.

Monday, August 20, 2007


My kids and I drove to my sister Lo's place in NJ. This was my last HOORAH before I do my 30 days in federal prison. And once I am released I have 5 months of home confinement. So this visit was a big deal. I am just getting back and will have a better post tomorrow.

Friday, August 17, 2007


I can feel myself at a crossroads. I am torn in a million little pieces and pulled in as many directions. I am adrift in a sea of discontent and uncertainty. I find myself in prayer through out the day. Praying for answers to things that seem so large and ominous that it takes my breath away. Deep in my soul I feel the presence of God. I always have. Even when I turned from God on many occasions, God never turned from me. And so I know that all shall be well, and all shall be well, all shall be well. The kids and I are off to my sister Lo in NJ for a long weekend--my last trip for a while. So I am looking forward to the freedom of getting in my minivan with my kids and hitting the road. Yep, God's got my back and all shall be well.

Thursday, August 16, 2007


I have a Doctor's appointment next Wednesday at 11:30 am. I have a small lump under my armpit--not directly in the armpit just below it. My gynecologist--who reigns supreme in the universe is sending me to a surgeon. If I was a normal woman living a normal life, I would be freaked out. I am not. This, like everything else, will be taken in stride. Besides, my plate is so full I can't fit this on it. Don't get me wrong, I am handling this matter and I doing what I am supposed to do--having it checked out. There is nothing else to do. I can't stress over this and what it might be, I only have room left in my universe for what is.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Check my new music play list on Sonific--emerging artist taking their turn at creating new music or re-interpreting old stuff. I am into creating music for the soundtrack of my life. I am picking music that reflects my mood. No matter what my mood is, music is right along stoking the mood. Yep, I am old school. My musical tastes are eclectic, I dig everything from classical music-- Gospel, World music, Lullaby's, Rock, Old School R&B, Jazz and my new favorites Country music and Zydeco. I am finding that there is a song for everything that I am feeling; capturing the moment perfectly. When I hear Billie sing "Alone in my solitude" oh my God it is like she is singing just to me. When you are feeling blue ain't nothing better than Billie Holiday, working your mood. At some point you got to get up off the floor and start fresh. Yes, there is music for that. I like disco to get the blood racing, I know today it's called dance music...whatever, it's DISCO. Who can't shake their booty to KC & The Sunshine Band--Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight. Now my Sonofic play list to your right is eclectic, it's not complete just a little taste of what I like. I find music to be good therapy, it can lift you up, bring you down and hold you tight. Throw in a good bottle of wine/beer/shot/ turn up the volume, dim the lights and let the music play.

Monday, August 13, 2007


Last night while reading Spiritual Divorce, Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life-by Debbie Ford. I am up to the third set of healing action steps--a series of questions that I need to answer. What am I resisting in my life? What am I afraid of? What will happen if I surrender to the situation? What am I getting out of holding on to the resistance? Who is getting hurt? What obstacles need to be removed before I can surrender? I spent about an hour pondering and writing in my journal. These questions were very direct and I am forced to deal with them. On paper things don't look as scary. I don't won't to give up my home, but if holding on to it at all cost is like handcuffs on my wrist and I can't move forward because of it, then, for the sake of sanity and financial breathing room. I have to let it go. This is my struggle. This is my biggest fear. I know I can get there--I am there.

Saturday, August 11, 2007


This morning my 5 year old daughter was in the shower--she loves taking showers, anyway as I am washing her she asks if she can wash herself with her Boots scrubby--Boots is the best friend of Dora the Explorer. I let her, and she does a great job! I am so proud and so sad, because I am realizing she is growing up and learning to become quite the independent child. She gets out of the shower and wants to dry herself off. I let her and she does a great job, I am impressed. It seems so long ago she was this tiny little baby that was placed in my arms. All my children are adopted, she was the only one that arrived as a newborn, 2 weeks old and just barely 5 lbs. This child wasn't supposed to live, as a matter of fact they--the Dept of Children and Families was expecting her to die. But she didn't. The foster home she was in was only temporary they couldn't take another child but did so for this baby. When we got the call we had to say yes immediately. I remember the day they brought her home, she was buried in a pink one piece that was 3-4 months too big. All those memories came rushing back as she is standing there in the bathroom telling me she can do things all by herself. Of course I am happy that she is becoming more and more self-sufficient, however there is a part of me that is missing that beautiful baby that so desperately needed me. This is the joy of motherhood growing them and letting them go out into the world. Yes of course, I have time before they're off to college , but still I can only imagine how painful that will be. So today I am in awe of my beautiful 5 year pressing me for her independence. Tomorrow it will be something else, perhaps permission to ride her bike past the Jackson's house or staying up an extra 15 minutes past bedtime and I will weigh my decision carefully. I swear motherhood is fleeting, if you blink you miss it.

Friday, August 10, 2007


So rather than wait for the inevitable, I have decided to give up my house. A good friend of my husband has a three family house that he has totally renovated. He and his fiancee are moving from the second floor to the third floor. The second floor will be vacant. They have offered it to me. This is comforting, because I couldn't pass a credit check and I am a felon albeit not a violent one, but undesirable all the same. My husband actually bought this information to me about the apartment, but was holding it for a while, because I was so resistant to hearing anything other than keeping this house. So now here I am finally willing to admit that I can't afford this house. I have to surrender to my situation and accept that I can't hold onto this and be happy and stress free. So I am letting go...downsizing, purging shedding skin. I can already imagine being financially free-er. If I believe as I do that God has my back, then I can let go and let God do the handiwork. I am checking my ego and focusing on what is best for me and my kids. I have to move toward having control of money and doing better with money, This is my fresh start and I am going to take it. And yes, it hurts like hell, and I have to check that too, because I suspect it is more about appearing successful and keeping up with the Jones and less about the actual house itself. I mean it's just a house--a lovely one but not the last one on the planet. So, I am taking my life back and charting my destiny. So now the packing begins and I am racing against the clock because I would like to be in the new apartment in time for the start of school, then off I go to serve my time, which I am pressing to do sometime mid-September. Yep, I am letting go and letting GOD...finally!

Thursday, August 9, 2007


There is a good chance that I will lose my house. I am 4 months behind in my payments. I am in bankruptcy so as long as I was making the payments the mortgage company couldn't foreclose. I have been in frantic conversations with my bankruptcy attorney about what can be done. The mortgage company has denied my request to enter into an agreement to make up the back payments owed--so they may move to default. I can do it, I did it last year when I initially lost my job. It took about 4 months to bring the payments current, and I did it and I was hoping that they would let me do it again. My mortgage rep in the bankruptcy dept. at countrywide--my mortgage holder was so mean and nasty. But I got her to check anyway if they would consider allowing me to make this arrangement. Her tone was as if I was some sort of deadbeat. I am not and she can't see that over the phone. So here I am waiting for my attorney to get in this morning. I am trying to make peace with whatever the outcome will be beforehand. I am trying to see the brighter side. I am afraid and I am tired. I have been through it and I am just tired of this fight. I fell like I am failing at every turn. It is said that God gives you only what you can bear. I do not question this. I am in the moment at a low point and I can't see in front of me. I am going on blind faith. There is nothing else for me to do but be still and let God arrange the universe on my behalf. Home is where ever I am with my kids, be it a shelter, a cave or a mansion.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007


Wednesday the children have swim lessons, my oldest daughter swims from 9:00am to 9:30 and the remaining 3 swim from 9:30 to 10:00am. Watching this morning I began to see how their lives are a lot like swimming. They have to trust and have faith in their instructor, but first they have to be willing to trust that faith. They have to get in the water and follow directions..on faith. This is pretty amazing. I see the fear in their eyes as they struggle to float and kick and there's nothing I can do except sit and silently pray they learn to swim. They are learning, I see the progress. The water is becoming less and less of a threat and more and more a partner. They are happy when they do as instructed and determined to do better when they can't quite get the coordination right. I am impressed with them conquering their fears. I want them to be fearless and to never give up even if they are a bit afraid. So as they are learning to swim, so am I. We are all learning to be brave and walk, or rather swim out on faith. And the best part is that while they are in the water, they are doing what they thought they couldn't do. That is the gift--you are already in the swim and swim we do!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


I am accepting my path toward enlightenment and spiritual growth. I have been ignoring this calling for years and years and years. So much so, that I have gotten myself into all kinds of trouble. I have broken faith with God and myself and my family and my community. I am not so sure that I was calculating in this break of faith, more so, I think I just wanted what I wanted. So here I am in the bottom of the well looking up toward the light. I have no choice but to look at my life and my choices and my decisions. The grace of it all, is that I can move forward leaving all the mess behind. I can free myself from guilt and sorrow and live as God would have me to live. As I said when I started this blog, I am choosing happiness at every turn. In every instance I am choosing happiness. I am going to jail for 30 days, I am choosing happiness, my husband has left us, I am choosing happiness. I am going to follow this path and live in the excitement of being alive. Nothing is too great that I can't overcome. I am falling in love with myself.

Sunday, August 5, 2007


Yesterday I was really pissed with my husband. How could he not want to see his kids everyday and how could he not want to see me everyday. And that's the real crux of the matter...ME. Yesterday I wasn't living in my truth. I was reacting to emotions that were masquerading as an issue about our kids. So I am burying STARK RAVING BITCH WIFE. That's not who I am, or ever aspire to be. This is not loving and it is not positive and it's untrue. I am sorry now for even trying it on---it doesn't fit and it won't ever fit. I am reminding myself that I am choosing happiness. I am choosing HAPPINESS across the board. I came across this prayer from Alice Walker years ago, I have been holding onto this scrap of paper for years--always close by.
"May You Have Peace Of Mind, May You Have Peace of Spirit, May Your Soul Be At Peace, May There Be Peace Everywhere, and May There Be Peace Between Us."

Saturday, August 4, 2007


So my husband does the grocery shopping--he's always done it. So now that we are separated he continues to do it, mostly I suspect because he feels like this is his contribution to the household in lieu of child support and alimony...yep he believes this and I let him...for now. And the other reason he does the shopping is because he doesn't like the way I do it, I am too sporadic for him, too unfocused. Fuck him, I am good at shopping--I am a chef by trade. I know how to shop, I just refuse to drive all over the state for groceries. He does a great job. But my real rant for today--and I think I need a title for this series of posts...but I digress. So today he did the shopping with kids in tow, I ask him what time he will be around tomorrow--he says and I quote " I don't know, I may just want to relax" And I say-in a voice that won't scare the kids, are you kidding? what does that have to do with seeing your kids? I could feel myself getting pissed off. So I say it must be nice to relax, I don't have that luxury, I am their mother all day everyday. So rather than get into a fight he concedes and says he'll call tomorrow to let me know when he will come by. I am trying hard not to give this any real energy and really focus on what this is really about and why am I SO fucking pissed off. Until then, I am going back to listening to old school R&B on XM satellite radio.

Friday, August 3, 2007


The most stunning thing of late for me, is not the fact that I have to do 30 days in prison, nor that my husband has left me, or the fact that I am unemployed and God knows if I ever will be again, but that I can look out onto the horizon and chart my own course. I can think about what I want for myself and sail in that direction. The possibilities are endless. That is the gift of faith and love. I can dream the biggest dream and God will move heaven and earth to make sure that I get it. I am supposed to be happy and living well. No matter what! So it's full steam ahead from here on out. I am not depending on anybody for my own happiness. I am in command of my joy. I may not know where I am going just yet, but believe, I am sailing toward the horizon. I already know where I've been, I've already sailed through rocky waters. I am counting on smooth sailing and if I happen upon stormy weather, I know what to do, I've been in some of the stormiest weather and lived to tell the tale. God's got my back and I know it!

Thursday, August 2, 2007


Something happens to women who stay home to raise kids. They are isolated in ways that is not readily accessible to talk about. My Sister Lo is at home with two beautiful boys...who are driving her crazy. This is a woman who is college educated, ran programs across several states and yet feels totally alone in her day to day efforts in raising her kids. My heart is breaking. Because I know what that is like. I am in the same boat. Raising kids can be and often is a solitary existence, especially when you have a spouse who doesn't value the work that you do with the kids and the home. My Sister is the smartest woman I know, hands down. To hear her crying about her life is heartbreaking. What can I do other than offer words of encouragement and support. We are a few States apart. She is overwhelmed and I am overwhelmed. We both have memories of our mother holding it down with less...resources, education , friends. But yet she made a way out out of no way. For us this is our ideal and we often talk about how amazed we are that out mom was able to accomplish all that she did on so little. So here we are modern day Mommas and we find it not so easy. Not so easy at all. Why? Why is it so much harder for us, than out Mom? I am so overwhelmed by my Sister's grief that I feel helpless as to what to do to help her. And in my inability to help her, I am also helpless on my own front. We often hear about the joys and virtues of motherhood, but never the struggles and disenfranchisement of women and their struggles with measuring up. And even less as to what to do when motherhood is less than idyllic. I suspect there needs to be a real revolution of women in defining what motherhood means and how to best support each other as we walk the walk and talk the talk of being mommy. Otherwise the truth will come out and women everywhere will just stop...having babies, juggling careers, raising families, being something other than true to their feminine selves. But most importantly stop trying to live up to a standard that NO ONE could get to not even men on their worst day could aspire to. We have got to get better at supporting each other and stop this ridiculous war on stay-at-home Mom vs Moms-that work-outside the home. This is more political than anything I know of. Because if this is addressed everything else is a piece of cake.


Tomorrow is the last day of summer camp and no one is sadder than me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and having them around can be a lot of fun...note can be fun. The thing about summer camp is that it is structured fun, one activity after another. And they all are in age appropriate groups. Next week I become mediator, activity director, referee and parliamentary--the person that keeps the order and of course "mean mommy" when I have to send one or all of them into time out. Summer is winding down faster than I ever remembered and I am a bit melancholy about it. For the record I was never really a summer person, but as I am getting older I find myself enjoying this time; the lazy days, going to the beach, firing up the grill, sandals, flip-flops and yes, cold beer. I am becoming quite the woman of summer. So next week, the count down begins for back-to-school preparations and I know they are looking forward to getting back to their friends and teachers. I am looking forward to school starting back too. But I am not so quick to give up summer...yet. Vanessa Williams sang it best...These are the days, the sweetest days we'll know.