Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Kool & The Gang - Summer Madness

I am still on vacation, but you know I love good music...always adding to the soundtrack of my life. I was going to post Will Smith's "Summertime" which heavily depends on this original from Kool & The Gang for it's coolness and appeal. I will be back soon.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


I know better.  And this is what I know: I can't afford to jet off to some exotic locale for a week long vacation.  I can't afford to dash off for a long weekend.  So I must create vacation space in my mind and in my home.  I must find opportunities to chill out and relax right where I live and breathe.  Whining about going to somewhere other than here is distracting and keeps me from focusing on what I can do right now and right here.  Now I am not saying going off for vacation is wasting time.  I would love to live it up on a tropical beach and have fancy drinks brought to me poolside. The realities of my current life says I can't hop to the Caribbean right now.  So Staycation is my destination right now...not forever.

More thoughts on Faith Tested
These last few days were more difficult than I could even speak about.  I let myself slip into a terrible place and I couldn't seem to pull out. The gift here, is that I realized  I was choosing to be in that funky dangerous place. I knew better and that didn't seem to matter.  What mattered was that I let the pain set the direction for my life.  I let the pain rule my spirit.  Everything I did these last few days was from a place of pain...all my thoughts, all my actions, rooted in pain.  This is not where I wanted to be.  This is not where I am staying. I needed that bad patch of emotional mess. I needed to have that test to see if I truly believed what I said I believed. All that old mess that I dredged up was more distraction.  As long as I stayed stuck in it, I could use it as an excuse not to get myself back on my plan.  I was using outside mess to keep me from moving forward toward my very best life. Being afraid to go after your dream is what stops us all. This is why some people fail and some achieve. I see that in my own life.  I do not need any other examples, my life is my example of what I need to see and learn from.

I am taking a break from this blog. I will however, still be over at   This blog... A Life In Transition will become a place of Happiness. From here on out I am going to chart my happiness and all the things that bring me joy.  I am making a choice to surround myself with people, places and things that bring me happiness.  I am not going to get caught up in other people's mess. I am done doling out advice on how to live, I am done with having circular conversations with folks about their love lives.  I am done spending time with folks who are only interested in wallowing in mess.  This is where I make real choices about how I want to live going forward.  This is where I make the decision to choose love over fear without hesitation and without looking back.  This is where I all out sprint toward my dreams!

Monday, June 20, 2011


It is amazing how pain and suffering can keep you paralyzed and focused on your pain and suffering. I cannot lose sight of the fact that I believe in a restorative God.  A God who has been with me at the darkest of darkest moments, of abuse, abandonment, scandal, divorce, death of loved ones and on and on.  God has celebrated with me during the most amazing times in my life..graduating college, getting married, my first job, graduating grad school,  adopting kids, first house and on and on.  If my knot is fraying, I have no choice but to tie another and hang on.  If I am sad and lonely I must remember that I am not alone.  I am always in the care and company of the greatest of companions.

I went to bed last night feeling defeated, tired and very much alone.  But this morning I woke up with a different mindset. Not so much clarity, but rather a sense of peace. I have always been more than alright. I am going to be better than alright moving forward.  Diamonds are made from the pressure of the earth forcing it into existence. Children come through labor. Champion athletes win because they are willing to endure the suffering necessary for greatness.  There is no easy way to destiny.  You either hear and follow the call or you sit and stay where you are.  I have never been one to sit and stay.  No matter how much I wished I could.

There is a ministry waiting for me.  There is a Call and Send, that is preparing me.  These last few days my faith has been tested.  The pain I experienced were rooted in things that I thought I put to rest.  And yet they showed up stronger than ever and I was seduced by my ego. I took the opportunity to act in such a way as to let folks know they hurt me.  This is past mess and I got sucked in.  This is not not where I want to be and that past mess is not my deal right now.  This surely is a faith test.  I would have failed if I kept on going down that path.  This morning, I have u-turned.  I am putting my mind off the things that hurt and focusing on listening to God.

Yesterday and the days before hurt way too much, but it was because I let it. I allowed the negative thoughts and feelings to grow and take over.  I allowed my loneliness and pain, and disappointments to trump my joy, happiness and love. I was so focused on lack and loss that I acted as if there was nothing else in my life. It was overwhelming to me how I allowed past mess to stand in my present and run amok.  I acted as though I was helpless.

I am going to take a vacation from blogging.  Not a long one.  Just a few days to relax. Laugh. Hang around and do some other things.  It's been an exhausting couple of days.

Sunday, June 19, 2011


I swear I am walking through the world trying to hold onto everything I can to stay grounded. To stay on this planet to stay amongst the living.  I am drowning.  This is not treading water. This is hopelessness. This is I am giving  up.

Fuck it, this hurts way too much.  I don't even know what the way-too-much is.  The aloness is crippling and blinding. I am reminded of what I don't have, what I have lost, what I have never had.  What the fuck. Everything is like a knife driving into my heart.  There is no comfort anywhere.  I just want to cry and scream and throw shit.  But I don't because I have kids and they need and deserve a somewhat sane parent.  Thank God for, preparing for their lives, taking care.  But even those things are slipping from my grasp.  I can feel it. I can feel myself at the end of my rope and the knot that I made to hang onto is fraying.

Fuck it, this hurts way too much. I don't know how to stand against this kind of breaking of spirit. I am fighting tears now and I am losing. I have tools, I know how to fight. I know how to be still and none of that shit is working! I swear it's like I am in this terrible wind storm and if i just let go, I'll blow away.  And being blown away doesn't seem like a bad idea. I can almost feel the relief.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


The last several days have been quite illuminating.  I was stunned to realize that I am lonely...really lonely.  Not the I-don't-have-anything-to-do kind of loneliness.  The kind of loneliness that moves with you as you go about your day.  It is the looking up and realizing there is no one there to catch your hand, share a joke, cuddle with.  It's knowing you are alone and there is no one you want to be with, or anyone who wants to be with you.  I have great friends, but they have commitments and lovers, and kids and full lives.  This is real loneliness that requires more than just filling my days with endless activities. And wishing for some magical man to make passionate love to me.  If only it were that simple.

I think the way to move through this new awareness is to respect the fact that I know what I am feeling.  I can name it. Make room for it and move on and continue to do what I need to be doing.  The key here is not to stop and wallow and lament the loneliness.  The train has to keep moving.  Loneliness is not a pit stop.  Or maybe it is...for a minute. dear loneliness, get in line take a number.  There are other issues vying for my full attention and I am just one woman trying to make my way. 

Big Mark 243 left this comment yesterday.... 
Let the momentum pull you through... you don't have to 'do' as much as you should simply 'be'. The way is there and you know it, so continue on your path. Wise advice to which I am going to take.

I am not ignoring my loneliness, it won't let me anyway. I am going to continue to feel what I am feeling.  Continue building my life.  Enjoying the pleasures that come my way and be open for companionship, partnership and true love when it shows up.  Gone are the days of trying to mask the pain, or fill the empty spaces with foolishness and mayhem. I am done running.

Friday, June 17, 2011


The last few days have been tough.  I have been fighting back tears and  finally after the kids left with their Dad yesterday I just let the tears fall. This loneliness thing is quite profound. I think what I have been doing is trying to fill up my life with things to keep loneliness at bay.  That is a good idea for a little while.  But at some point you gotta address the pain.  You gotta acknowledge what it is and stop trying to mask it, hide from it, and ignore it.

As I stop and be still, I can see clearly that it really is loneliness and not just random depression.  I am lonely and I have to figure out how to handle this. I don't think I have been this in tuned to being lonely.  I have had moments of loneliness and have been able to just get passed it.  But this is more profound.  This is pervasive loneliness that reaches all areas of my life. I can no longer just rush to fill my time with activities and distractions trying to squash the feelings of loneliness.

So what's a woman to do? I don't know. I think I have to be with my feelings and allow them room to tell me what is happening.  I think I have to accept the fact that I am lonely and that I don't have to force myself to get over it.  I do have to move forward, but perhaps moving forward is being still.

I do know that I have to give this my attention. And if I want a grand life, it requires that I address my pain.  I also know that I am resilient and have come too far to be derailed.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


 Am I sick and tired of the current state of my life? Maybe, probably, yes.  It is a whole lot of stuff rolled into one gigantic insurmountable snowball! I am annoyed at other people's happiness.  I am standing in my yard and I can see the grass is definitely greener over on the other side.

I know this funky mood will pass.  Right now I need to rant.  I need to bitch, moan, kvetch, scream and whine. And yes cry a river of tears.

I had a thought today that I couldn't shake. I miss being married (not my husband...a husband) The thing I miss about being married is having someone to talk to...really talk to.  Someone who has read some of the stuff I have.  Likes the same stuff I like, or is at least open to exploring and sharing.  I am lonely and the guy I just spent two years with was a decent substitute for what I wanted and that's perhaps why we didn't work. I knew we didn't click well enough.  I thought perhaps I was being haughty and outrageous in my desires, so I tried him on. I thought if he satisfies some other needs, perhaps that ought to be enough for me to settle in. It was not. He deserves someone who isn't fighting to stop looking over his shoulder for someone else who could be the one. All this time I thought it was him who was distant.  But it was me that was skiddish and uncertain all along and he knew it and tried to wait me out, hoping I would grow to love him.  He hung around to see if I would see him and want him truly. He loves me. I see that now, after he has moved away.

I am lonely. Sigh. Heave. Tears. Uggh.

I am lonely.  Now what do I do?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Treading Water...

I have been short-tempered with everyone and everything.  I have been impatient, frustrated, prickly.  Say something to me and I am ready to explode.  I am annoyed at my kids and angry with them a lot.  I am tired and worried and I want everyone to just leave me alone.

There is no one to blame for my angst and bad attitude.  It's not anything other than my own shit I am stuck on. I want to run away. I need a vacation.  I am broke.  I am up against it.  I am trying to think and move things around in my life in hopes of making something happen. I need something good to happen.  And this ladies and gentlemen is the wrong thinking.  I know it as I am purging it all in this post.  All the shit I am feeling is my own to carry and drop.  I know better and I am allowing myself to be wooed into destructive thinking.  I am acting as if I have no control of mind.

I cannot run away from my feelings of fear and despair.  But it is not enough to just sit in them and let them run rampant in my mind.  It is a real and constant battle to stay in grace.  To beat back the negative thoughts.  They ease in so quickly that you don't even realize you are thinking and doing shit that runs against what you say you want. I am overwhelmed in this moment and I am losing my focus.  I want to wallow in self-pity. I want to sing the "Oh, woe is me" chorus.  I get to act like I am helpless and powerless. This is how the devil wins and beats me.  He knows how to fan the flames of doubt and insecurity. He sees the weakness and sits in the cut and waits.

I am treading water in my life.  This is good because I am not drowning.   Treading water allows you to not swim, and not sink, you do however have to keep yourself afloat.  It is a resting of sorts until help arrives and that help may well be getting enough rest to swim to shore.

Friday, June 10, 2011

A WORLD WITHOUT BOOKS: Blog-A-Licious Blog Tour

Today's post is in conjunction with the Blog-A-Licious Blog Tour a fantastic blog hop that brings together bloggers of all genres, backgrounds and locations. In today's hop, the blog featured before Lovebabz: A Life In Transition is  Tina - The blog featured after Lovebabz: A Life In Transition is the captivating John - Do stop by and say hello plus some of us are having giveaways and contests. Enjoy! 

There is nothing in my life experiences that I could draw from to even remotely talk about a World Without Books.  They are intricately linked to my existence, and I am sure books are a part of my DNA...there must be a specific gene that links books and spirit.

There is something divine about holding a book in your hand, or falling asleep with several next to you (I know I am not the only one).  I am one of those folks that always has several books going on at once.  It is a skill I have perfected and really can't give up.  My interest vary and so I read books that satisfy that and who cares if its 2-3 books from 2-3 different genres. I am a reader...for pleasure.

There is no such thing as a A World Without Books, or should I say, no world I want to be a part of or live in.  How could I? How could you?

Thursday, June 9, 2011


I have been imagining that God is a taxi driver, blowing his horn in his cab outside my door waiting for my ass to come out. I open the door and shout, I am ready, give me a minute, I'll be right there.  But the truth is if you are shouting back I am ready, I'll be right there, then chances are you are not ready!

I believed I was ready for every good thing coming my way.  But the reality is, I have overlooked the forest for the trees.  I was wishing and hoping for good things to happen and not noticing good things were happening all along. What I realized is that there have been many gifts laid in my lap and I stood up and let them crash to the floor.  It is only in hindsight that I see this clearly.  I am in the middle of a grand blessing and I was about to chuck it away when I realized I was being blind and stupid.  WOW!  It is a sobering thing to realize you let blessings chase you down.

When our prayers are answered we assume they will be answered in the same manner in which we asked...word for word.   We get ready for the magic and block out all other opportunities that come our way.  This is what I was doing.  I couldn't recognize my blessings because I was looking for them in the manner in which I asked for them in prayer. I know crazy right!  It was only until divine light illuminated my path (meaning when I took my head out of my ass) was I able to see my foolishness and recognize my blessing was here all along... chasing me down.

This is new for me.  This is a huge learning experience, seeing what is rather than what I hope would be.  Sometimes what we want is so not in alignment with what we need.  That blessings show up in the most unexpected packages, experiences and people and if we are not careful and open we will miss out.

So from now on when the taxi is outside my door blowing... I will open the door and step out ready!

Monday, June 6, 2011

A Thoughtful Story (for seekers of happiness!)

I was about to go down the "woe is me" path and blog about some feeling I am experiencing and then I got this email with this short film. I LOVE IT! It cheered me right up! Give it a try.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


Enough of the bullshit.  You know and I know that he/she isn't worth the time of day.  He/She plays you well.  He/She isn't horrible, but he/she isn't absolutely great either.  And I know and can appreciate not being absolutely great.  But damn it, don't you deserve someone who wants what you want? 

When do you let go and say enough already. If you are spending time making excuses as to why you need him/that/them/those/ whatever your deal is, then perhaps you need to look elsewhere for satisfaction.  It is so easy to get sucked into the abyss of being supportive.  We all do it.  I have done it these last 2 years.  I have been Girl-Friend, Angel, Protector, Sympathizer, Understanding Friend, Lover.  All the while eating shit and not getting what I want.  And I hate when a MoFo tries to play like you have no idea what you want and that what you have with them is all you gonna get so be happy. Nope. Wrong thinking.  Just because someone says what they think of you, doesn't mean it's true.

Because if you don't, you will lose all your self respect and you become some one's slave.  By all means play the hand you are dealt until you are ready to leave the game.  But know you can and must leave the game.  If you have to address simple behavioral mess in a relationship then you have no relationship.  For example if your lover disappears on a Friday and and hasn't checked in to tell you what's the plan, or checked to see if you had any ideas.  You are not in a relationship.  If you call him on his cell and he doesn't get back to you for several days you are not in a relationship.  This is not my deal.  But I have heard enough of this from folks that I gotta scream on it.

We are afraid to say what we need to say to someone because we don't want to run them off.  We don't
want to rock the relationship boat and we don't want to be "that woman" who is always checking a man.  I am going to say it again: FOLD. GET UP AND WALK THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE TABLE.  Because if you don't you will lose all your self respect. And some of you already lost it...but you can get it back.

You know what losing your Self respect is. You know exactly what is means to swallow truth for the sake of living in a lie. You know what it means to accept the bullshit excuse because the truth will leave you alone.  And being alone is a lot of work because you can't bear the sound of your own voice and you have somehow defined your self-worth attached to someone who does not value you. So you accept and rejoice in the fact that you at least have someone. That you have invested time with someone.  They are not perfect, but you are not looking for perfect, right? This is the shit we order all the time and we choke because we can't eat it. I have long since given up ordering from that menu...I know my worth and I know what I can tolerate and it doesn't matter that I just figured it our yesterday.  I know it today.

Uggh! I do not want to be this person. I can't tolerate this  around me, because all I want to do is slap them.  And that's no way to be with friends.  So I stand by and wait with a bottle of wine, good chocolates and sage words of comfort until they decide to finally get up from the table and walk the fuck away.  But we know this deal...they go back and happily order more shit. And we stand there shaking our heads and praying this time it works for them.

Sigh.  All I can do is become more of myself and put some distance between who they are and where I am going.


Friday, June 3, 2011


I haven't really thought about what's next.  I am always asked and encouraged to write a book.  I am not sure.  My first thought was, my story isn't unique, there's tons of abuse stories, hardship, obstacles etc already out there.  I mean who is better than Oprah and her telling her story.  Then someone said to me it's not so much your story, but rather how you managed to move forward inspite of it all.  How you managed to live on beyond, the pain, grief, betrayal and heartache. And that has me thinking.  Is there something I could say to folks to help them move on in their lives?

I don't know.  Do I have something to say to add to the positive energy of folks out there guiding folks to their better selves?  All I know is that I press on and try to see things clearer each day.  I try to live a certain kind of way that brings me peace, love and joy.  I have been on this path for quite sometime...perhaps all of my life and didn't know it.  I was lucky I realized that I could be different, live different, love different just by changing my mind about what I was willing to live with and tolerate.  What was I willing to change in myself.  What was I willing to give up in people, places and things in order to get to the peace, love and joy I so believed I could have.

So maybe a book of sorts is calling.  Maybe capturing the feel of this blog and expanding on lessons learned and expressed here could be of some help to someone.  Maybe I am a lighthouse. Or maybe I just hold the lamp for someone else to see their way forward, or at the very least see where they are standing.

I could use some feedback.  I could use some encouragement.  I need a sign! LOL! Or maybe I don't.  Maybe I already know what's next and I am afraid.  Or maybe I just do what I do best and change my mind about being afraid and get on and do the damn thing!

HHhhmmmmm. I am always transitioning.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Where did all the time go?  It all seems so long ago.  So here are a few posts from that first month that still take my breath away. It is amazing how far I have come. I am blown away that I am still standing.  That I have come through.  I am hopeful and looking forward to what is next. I can see real growth and progress and for that I am truly grateful.  Blogging remains a blessing to me.  It has become more than a dumping ground for my pain and confusion.  A healing and caring community has formed around me.  I can't imagine not sharing my life in this format.  It has brought me such peace and encouragement that I did not have in my everyday "real" time life.

THANK YOU Bloggers and lurkers and readers and virtual friends who have come around, read the posts and left blessings and prayers for me.  Thank you all who come back and check in and continue to cheer on this transitioning life. I have no plans to quit.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

So here goes:

It is 4:58 am. I love this hour just before daybreak. The house is quiet. I can actually focus on my thoughts and feelings. Raising 4 children is exhausting, fun and well exhausting. My first thought about blogging my life was one of sheer terror. But I find myself drawn to it. So this is my maiden voyage. I am not so sure I should just spill out everything. I feel like I am on a first date. You the know the rules of a first date---don't tell all your business. A girl has to have some mystery. And also I think blogging will be healing. I have a lot of wounds and scars. I am hoping that like-minded souls will share their thoughts. I am not looking to get beat-up or beat-down. Nor do I want stranger's condemnation of my choices. Hell, nobody can dole out self-loathing better than me---I own that! So I am sitting at my desktop, watching the sun creep over the neighborhood and feeling pretty good...pretty good indeed.

Monday, June 4, 2007

I should never try to post in the early evenings!

Having 4 children is like have a herd of buffalo--50 strong! Dinner is done and now the wind down begins. Because 2 of the 4 are on punishment their bedtimes are considerably earlier than normal. God I need a chilled glass of wine--preferably a Shiraz! And I shall have one when the last little head hits the pillow at about 8:30 pm. Trust me I will not attempt to blog while the house is in full swing--it doesn't work! So I will be back in the wee hours.


Wednesday, June 6, 2007

In the meantime

It is very difficult for me not having a job. I have always had a job. When I was a kid, I ironed baskets of clothes for money. I did pretty well for myself. So this waiting and waiting for the other shoe to drop is painful. I have decided in the meantime, in between time, that I would focus my energy on creating a new life for myself. I am thinking that I will excavate my inner-self and get a better handle of who I am. I know this all sounds well and good, but really what does it mean? Well for one, it is about self analysis--really looking at myself and then focusing my energy on my future and my goals. I have discovered "The Secret" and the "laws of Attraction" I am intrigued by the whole idea of the vibrations we set off into the universe. This concept really gives a name to what I knew to be true--that whatever you have on your mind becomes your reality. That you control your destiny. And this does not take away from my God consciousness--as a matter of fact, it is in alignment with my Christian faith. You are no good to anyone if you are in despair, and chaos. So I am moving forward on this path. My path of transformation, that will no doubt take me further on my life's journey. So in the meantime, I begin with being grateful for all that I have in this moment.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Standing Still

I have decided nothing except to stand still. My husband is moving out--and refuses to call his new home, his home--he refers to it as the apt on blank street. My children are OK, but I know they are afraid, so I am doing my best to keep up a brave front. I don't think its a bad thing for kids to get a glimpse of Mom and Dad tugging it out--as long as they see some positive resolution (I don't mean physical stuff, I mean raised voices, but without bad language). As I said I am standing still. Today I am standing still, I wish I could say like a redwood, or a sycamore, grand and regal. I am standing still because there is nothing else to do. I have to let God do the handiwork. I must allow the universe to work on my behalf. I have to get out of my own way. I am standing still.

Monday, June 25, 2007

My Turn Up at Bat: Awaiting Federal Sentencing

I am not going to talk about the specifics of my federal case. I am going to talk about my feelings thus far. I seem to be making progress in making peace with this. I have worried my self sick about what could happen, what might happen and what to do if the worst case scenario plays out. This process is a very lonely business. There is no way to talk about this without people going into automatic reassuring mode. I am grateful for that, however I am still alone with my thoughts on the matter. I don't think of myself as a villain, and I long since given up labeling my self as wretched. What I am doing is thinking about what the next phase of my life will be. I am just now beginning to think about my future. The last 4 1/2 of years was filled with anxiety about my case, pleading guilty and now awaiting sentencing. It has been a very long process and it has taken me this long to make some peace with all of it. Today, I am not so concerned with worst case scenario. I am optimistic by nature--a romantic often. As I said today, I am not worrying about worst case anything.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Geting Ready...Paying My Debt to Society

Yesterday there was blurb in the newspaper about my upcoming federal sentencing. Of course it was sensational and inaccurate and it wasn't on the front page.. so I am assuming my interest factor is waning. I had no idea it was in the paper until my girlfriend called me. I would have been happier not knowing it. There is a chance that I will go to jail for a period of time. I have over the years tried not to lose sight of this possibility. It is haunting and almost crippling to me that I may go to jail for committing a crime. Embezzling money from a non profit created to help poor people is shameful. My only saving grace and there is saving grace, is that this will not go on forever. There is an end point. Someday this will be a part of my past. I already know life goes on, it is going on as I write. So I have decided not to give this anymore space in my brain than it already occupies. As my dear friend Ron likes to remind me "no matter what happens you're going to be alright." I believe that. Worrying about things that are out of my control is at best stupid. So what has changed in the last 24 hours since the story hit the papers again. NOTHING. My life today is the same as it was yesterday. Tomorrow takes care of itself.