Beast Mode

It's been a long time since the stars lined up in my favor. I am taking a page from Marshawn Lynch... Straight out go hard! No, I am not going to grab my crouch and flip the bird... nor am I going answer question with "biscuits and gravy" Ha hahah although there are times when I just don't want to talk to people or answer ridiculous questions... but I digress. What I want to do is tap into the energy and commitment and dedication required to accomplish shit. And when I say shit, I mean my DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS and all the things I want for my life.

Struggling with self worth is a constant battle...a test of wills. But not as strong as it was a few years ago or even a few months ago. I still find moments when I am looking at myself with a very critical eye. I catch myself thinking about whether or not I am more or less attractive. I think about losing weight and how I am failing at that. My exercise plan is not a plan at all... no consistency... Although I keep attempting. I must get points for never giving up. I see other people achieving and while I am not comparing, I am thinking when is it my turn at love again? And so I look over my life and the patterns before me. Yes, I am in a rhythm that is fantastic and I am happy with the course my life is taking. It has been a long several years of holding on by threads and shards. I never lost hope that I could get to a better place. Even when things were at their most desperate and darkest moment. I just hung in and hung on. It is paying off. I am seeing the tides subside in many areas of my life.

Here I am wanting to press on harder! Beast Mode. I just feel like it's time for a BIGGER effort in all areas, especially in companionship, love connections, romance and stronger friendships. Maybe it's because my babies are self sufficient and do not need me in charge of every second of their lives. Maybe it's because I am acutely aware of the sands of time. I will be 52 in May and the desire to do it all is underneath my skin. Beast Mode is resonating with me. I like it. I want it.

I hadn't thought about loneliness in a long time. I don't feel lonely at all. My life is filling back up and I love that. I love saying yes and no to things and people and events. I love having the opportunities to choose yes, or no or maybe. I miss sex though. I miss having a serious lover...  I don't quite know what to do about that, and haven't given it any real thought. Perhaps it gets added to the Beast Mode agenda!

All I know is I gotta step up my game. I gotta go harder than I have ever done before to reach the goals I am setting. Beast Mode is the right motivation for the big tasks at hand. I am so ready!

I am I am

These days I am in a groove. The old fears that held me hostage  hover in the distance.
I am in a divine place of moving forward with grace. Nothing is troubling me. I got a rythm.

I am seeing the realities of things and I am not running from what I see. I am also not interested in nursing anyone's malaise. I can't hold anybody up or down, I am quite clear about that. And those that have stepped to me with some fantasy of happily-ever-after without any spiritual, emotional work done on themselves can just keep on moving.

I am excited and calm about the road ahead. What twisted me around last year has no influence this year. This is true grown woman shit.

I am I am. This life is balancing me out and I am in awe.

Hey Universe I'm Ready To Share

Underneath it all is that longing... that want. Everywhere I turn people are falling in love and getting engaged, committing to each other. I want some of that. No, I want a LOT of that. Oh I live a very full life... commitments to community, work, sorority, church, children, friends old and new. And yet there is still room for that one person. Lover/husband/Confidant/Friend/Partner.  There is room. Maybe there isn't and the Universe is waiting for a break in the busyness? Or maybe I haven't done enough to be found? Honestly I don't have the energy to parade and prance. I do well to glam up on the day-to-day hustle and get out the door looking pulled together.

I'm calling the one who has worked through his shit... isn't so fucking needy...and can command his own life. This seems an impossible endeavor. All I keep hooking are men who take more than they give... and they have nothing to give! Real talk. Yes, I own some of that, because I was willing to accept the nothing. 

This isn't a whine or a rant. I was standing in my master bedroom... that I just rearranged and I realized I could do with some company... a significant other. Not like the mess I just untangled from... hello... NO! What I am trying to say is that I am willing to own what I want in a partner/lover/husband. I settled, because I didn't believe what I needed and wanted existed.  But as I look around I see glimpses of interesting men who are slightly out of reach for one reason or another. And that gives me hope. I think I am getting closer to my gift. Yes gift. Someone sharing their life with you is a gift. I am a gift too. I am ready to share.

Hey Universe I am ready to share! And by ready I mean I am whole, and open and willing and inviting and unafraid.

Heaven please send to all mankind,

Understanding and peace of mind,

But, if it's not asking too much

Please send me someone to love

I Am Retiring "Strong" and "Independent" Black Woman

I want to be seen and received as happy, sexy and sensual, spiritual, joyful, fun, family oriented, intelligent. I am retiring Strong Black Woman and Independent. It is time to be explored for other adjectives that make-up who I am.  I read this piece by Kara Steven, The Frugal Feminista 7 Adjectives to Accurately Describe Black Women other than "Strong and Independent"  it got me thinking about this in a very real way... it stayed in my mind... is this true for me? Yes it has been.

I used to take great pride in being "STRONG" and "INDEPENDENT", but lately I am finding that I don't want this to be the sole truth. I want to be experienced for all the other things that I am. I want to be seen and experienced as sexy and sensual. I am. I love sex, and I love sensual things... soft textures, erotica, whispers in the night, quickies during the day. I am more sexual now that I have ever been in my life. I want to be desired for my sexual appeal.

I am happy. I do not sulk around in gloomy moods. I used to before I learned my own heart and mind. When I was younger, I was never really happy.  And never took responsibility for my happiness. But now after much growth and inner work, I am quite happy and it shows. I am responsible for my happiness. Nothing outside of myself can make or break my happiness. I do that and I have learned and grown into minding and tending to my happiness,

I am deeply spiritual, I feel as though I am becoming a High Priestess. I want to be experienced with respect and reverence for connecting with the vibration of God and earth.

Experience my Joy! I am a woman who is joyous and loves to laugh. I admire wit and intellect. I love gazing at the moon, sitting at the beach, eating fresh fruit and drinking fine wine.

I know how to have fun. I enjoy time with my family. We do a great many things together...we eat dinner together every night. We laugh, we joke and hang out together.

Not only am I smart but I possess a modicum of intelligence. I can think. I can embrace broad ideas and I love fantastic conversations. Talk to me about anything and everything!

This is not a back handed dating profile. Moving forward I want to lead with these qualities. I believe if I say this out loud...via this blog and in my life that the man for me will appreciate these qualities. He will have been looking for just these qualities in a mature woman. I want to be seen and experienced as more than just strong and independent. Today I am owning these 7 adjectives for myself and will confidently use them in all descriptions of myself. What I want I have to become.

I am already enough.