And Why Do I Want God To Rescue Me?

It has been my experience in my life that when I dragged my feet on any decision that had to be made... life would make the decision for me.

As I look at my life I can see every example of this.  I can see every fear based, paralyzing decision I couldn't make.  I used to think it was all sort of coincidence, but as I stepped closer to God and immersed myself in my faith, I now know that God had to do the intervening.  For better or for worse in my estimation,  God always works for the greater good even though I couldn't see that at the time.

So today I find myself begging God to rescue me from squandering my talents, wasting my time and not going after my heart's desire.  I am still not sure of the truth I see before me.... I am still looking off into the distance for something else.  I used to think it was something more... but I sense it's all about something else. Something else that I long for that I can't quite grasp.  In my dreams and waking moments I can see the peace-love-holiness I desire, seek and crave. 

At 50 I am acutely aware of time... not in hours or minutes, but having enough time to do all that I dream to do.  Time is a luxury, as are day dreams and waking thoughts of fantasy.  But time also inspires and ignites passions.  If not now, when? That's a time motivated statement.

So perhaps revisiting lists... The love List, the 1000 things I want to do before I die and perhaps a newer list of all the things that scare me to paralysis.

OK, so this is what I am taking to prayer: Why do I need God to rescue me? And am I being the best me outside of fear?

THE LOVE LIST #100

DRUM ROLL PLEASE! TADA!

The Love List #100

• 100. We both understand and believe that it is not so much the destination of this love, but the quality of the the journey. It is not two becoming one, but instead two reading from the same map. Each adding to the richness of the other. We both recognize that the path ahead will have pitfalls and road-bumps, but we are committed to riding out the rough spots the same as we share in life's celebrations. We must be willing to tolerate mystery and not seek certainty allowing each to hold the other today and hopefully tomorrow and tomorrow after that and so on and so forth. We joyously, happily and lovingly press on. We revel in the fact that Love steers, Love lifts, LOVE IS.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: NOOMA: BREATHE PT 1 & 2 AND THE LOVE LIST 94-95

Last night at my Deacon's meeting, after prayers, We watched this video. It is a 15 minute commitment, but one well worth it. So if you have 15 minutes, sit and watch and discern.

The Love List 94-95

• 94. Kisses me everyday either in person or in spirit.
• 95. Let's me "Baby" him when he is sick. He drops the macho act and accepts my very fine nursing skills.
  

A WITNESS TO LOVE UPCLOSE & THE LOVE LIST 92-93

A dear Sister-friend of mine is falling in love. It is a joy to behold. Just thinking about her happiness makes me smile and my heart sing. Her walk is different, her tone and manner are different. She is radiant. She has truly stepped into the Grown Woman Space and is blossoming!

Witnessing Love blossoming like this is inspiring. I can feel the warmth of the connection between the two. I can feel IT! It has raised my highly intuitive nature to a whole new level of awareness. Bearing witness to Love Supreme is truly divine. I am hoping all that good LOVE energy will somehow rub off and jump on over here to ME! I think it WILL! I think it will indeed!

On another note the A Bear Maiden Went Out To The Fields One Day... tagged me! So rather than recreate another list of random things about me, I am just going to link to the two other tagged posts March 17, 2008 and September 20, 2007

The Love List 92-93

• 92. Appreciates extra cuddle time before the day starts.
• 93. Can recite at least 2 favorite poems...must have favorite poem(s)

ROUND MIDNIGHT & THE LOVE LIST 90-91

It is a little after midnight and I can't sleep. I am restless. I get like this from time to time. Even after having a short sweet conversation with someone I am crushing on, I am still restless. I am feeling my alone-ness I think. It is not depressing or even sad. It is just a strong sense of not having. Sometimes these moments can bring me to a place of great clarity if I am open to what's on my heart. Other times I can wander along aimlessly until I hit a bump. This is not a bump. Just me taking stock of where I am. I am looking up from the steering wheel and checking to see if I am going down the right road.

I am up round midnight, just me and my wandering mind wanting a bit of company and conversation. And knowing full well there is no one to talk to...except here to my blog at this hour. This is the beauty of blogging, it's always on, always there and always receptive and sometimes not enough. Tonight it's not enough, but it will have to do.

The Love List 90-91

• 90. Does not mistake my restlessness for unhappiness about Us.
• 91. Lovingly gives me room to be Still.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: RULES OF LOVE & THE LOVE LIST 88-89

Are there rules of Love? I mean a decade ago I had some idea. If you saw a Man that you thought was interesting you gave him your number and you waited for the call, you waited for him to ask you out, ask you for sex. But now I can make the call right? I am nothing if not bold. I have asked men out on dates, picnics, concerts. That was a decade ago. Have the rules changed? And do men like women who are BOLD? I just think leaving all that sort stuff in the hands of a Man solely is so one-sided. So if I met a Man that I find interesting do I step to him? Take his number? Call and connect? You bet!

I am not with this whole notion of rationing love. If I want to talk to you, I am calling. If I am thinking of you I am texting. If I want to send you a sexy note, I am doing that. The rules are for less confident Sisters who walk in fear. Now I am not suggesting casting my pearls before swine. But there is something to be said for discriminating taste and once you jump that hurdle can you move at your own pace? YES! Truth be told, I am not interested in playing at Love. I am however interested in authenticity and honesty and the rules for that are universal: come as you are, act with integrity, have a generous spirit and speak truth to power. Those are the rules...the only rules. All that other stuff is manipulation and dishonesty. And quite frankly exhausting.

So if I am crushing on you...you'll know it, because I will be stepping to you with my boldness and sexual energy. There are no rules...except the ones that I make or better still the ones WE make.

The Love List 88-89

• 88. Checks on me throughout the day to say hello and that I am thinking of you.
• 89. picks up my favorite soy ice cream without me asking.

HIGH MAINTENANCE WOMEN PART 2 & THE LOVE LIST 86-87

On Saturday I posted about High Maintenance Women (HMW) and the response was quite interesting. Now as usual I got bombarded with emails about this topic from folks who lurk and not post but feel compelled to email their opinions. Thank you.

I know everyone wants to take the high ground on this, as if there is some moral high ground to take. There are women who's only purpose for being is to look FABULOUS! And I wanted to know what would it take to step into that persona. Now the reality is this: I AM NOT EVER GOING TO BE HIGH MAINTENANCE! Now there was a time in my life in my mid 20's that I rolled it out pretty well, but nothing like what I see now with women. Am I a bit envious...YES! Why? Because when you look good you feel good. And when you spend a moment on yourself it goes a long way.

Women like me who hold it down on all fronts aren't thinking lipstick, push-up bras and stilettos, we're thinking, play dates, carpool, music lessons and comfy sweatpants. This is not bad, but no one is looking at us and no one is thinking this is sexy. I DON"T CARE WHAT SOME OF YOU WELL APPOINTED MEN SAY...the truth is you all are not looking at women like me. So what I am saying is maybe "US" soccer moms have to step up our game. Not in competition with the HMW but allow our inner sexy to peek through. You can't tell how intelligent, witty and fabulously smart I am when I am rolling out in my sweats and sneaks, but if you check me in a more pulled together look, then my smile is bit sexier and my laugh is much more sultry and you can imagine being between the sheets with me, rather than imagining me doing the sheets---as in laundry!

The Love List 86-87

• 86. Is not afraid to say: I WANT YOU.
• 87. Aches for me, Longs for me, Dreams of me, Fantasizes about me.

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: HAPPY EASTER & THE LOVE LIST 83-85

My Brother Bob-O and his Fiancee D gave me a big big slow cooker/crock pot for Christmas. Last night I initiated it! I cooked my collard greens overnight. I was up last night prepping for Easter Dinner, while talking to my Sister friend JB she suggested that I use my slow cooker for my greens. The light bulb went off! I sauteed my onions and garlic, coriander and cumin seeds, washed my greens put everything into the slow cooker and this morning I awoke to the most amazing smell! It was like my Mom was downstairs! Yep I tasted them and they are ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS! JB and her beautiful son are joining us for dinner today!

Dinner Menu:
Brine fried chicken--JB makes this it is to die for
dairy-free cornbread--JB has a delicious recipe from scratch
collard greens-ME!
sweet potato casserole--ME
potato salad--ME
brown rice--ME
And PEACH COBBLER! JB is making one without butter and milk--I am so excited about this, I LOVE PEACH COBBLER but I never make it and I can't ever have it anywhere because of all the butter, that 99% of the world uses to make this delicious treat...but I digress. And a couple of bottles of my favorite cabernet sauvignon.


The Love List 83-85

• 83. Can plan and execute romantic gestures (picnics in the park, cuddling under a sycamore tree, making love in a tent on a glorious Spring day...(I got these ideas from Tony OH's response post)
• 84. Calls me sweet names.
• 85. Understands and knows that I may not have unpacked all my emotional baggage, so he exercises patience and care with me.

HIGH MAINTENANCE WOMEN & THE LOVE LIST 80-82

Yesterday I was out shopping with my kids. We had lunch at Ruby Tuesday--They had the NCAA games on! March Madness Baby...but I digress. We went to Target and a couple of other places. I thought I looked OK. Nice french terry cut pants (sweat pants) sneakers, long sleeve t-shirt, my black car coat--3/4 length, my red hat, red purse and red gloves. I looked OK...very Woman with 4 kids. Neat and tidy. Well I saw a woman get out of a car who looked so damned pulled together I couldn't take my eyes off her. She had on a pair of low-rider jeans, a cropped leather jacket--her mid-section was exposed, high heels--I'm talking stilettos. Jewelery and sexy hair. She definitely was the kind of woman men notice. Hell, I noticed her!

So I started thinking what does it take to look like that ALL the time? What sort of effort is needed to look stunning every time you walk out of the house? AND could I make that sort of effort? I mean I am an attractive woman in my own right and every so often I get a second look and smile, but I am not high maintenance. I am always without make-up. I tie my hair in a pony-tail and slip into sneakers in a minute. But what if I gave more thought to my outward appearance and glammed it up a bit. What would that take? and could I keep it up? I am thinking since I am on this total makeover kick about new lingerie and underwear, why not extend it to include my outward appearance? Hhmm, lots to think about.

The Love List 80-82

• 80. Knows how to do exceptional phone sex.
• 81. Has a smile on his face when we are talking to each other on the phone.
• 82. Sometimes, when his "Boys" calls, he tells them: "I'll get back to you later, I'm hanging with my baby today"

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: A PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE & THE LOVE LIST 78-79

My Virtual Twin Sister, Just Write Now! With Sharon has a very interesting post up titled "I Exist, Therefore I AM...And Now You're Telling Me I Have to Have a Purpose Too?" I believe she is making the case that no one has just a single purpose that we have many purposes as we move through life. I found her post to be provocative and challenging. I happen to lovingly disagree with her perspective. I believe we all have a single purpose: To Love fully, wholly and without reservation, regret and fear. In doing this, all manner of calling, avocation, profession, and work is a manifestation of LOVE. To me purpose isn't about the best thing you can do or be. It is how fully can you come to love and radiate love out to the world. Whether you are serving coffee at Starbucks during the morning rush or teaching pre-schoolers the itsy-bitsy spider song, your purpose is to do all that you do with LOVE in LOVE..not do what you do and hope you find love while doing it. I am sensing that most folks think purpose is some deep abiding call from on High. It is, but it is simple and simply Love. It is not feeding hungry children in Kenya or Mississippi, it is feeding hungry children in Kenya and Mississippi with LOVE. LOVE is the driving force. Not the other way around. And so I can see how folks can miss this little turn on a purpose driven life. Love is still for many a concept to achieve rather than a state of being. I am learning this myself and I am in awe of surrendering to this notion of LOVE IS. My purpose is to be loving in my life and allow that love to radiate out to the world. What I get to do for money, and what I get to do for service to the world may not be one and the same, but what is the common denominator is that I work and serve in LOVE with LOVE. As I move through my life things will change, but what is constant and sustaining is Love. That is the foundation for a purpose driven life.

The Love List 78-79

• 78. He Reminds Me That I Too, Must Make Time For Love. No matter how hectic MY life gets.
• 79. Appreciates My Artist's Soul.

I AM A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE...WTF! AND THE LOVE LIST 76-77

I got a call yesterday evening from a young couple who are looking to get married in a few weeks. Why were they calling me?...well, I AM A JUSTICE OF THE PEACE! I had completely forgotten that. I became a JP when I was elected to office for my first term. The Democratic Town Committee Chair thought it would be good for a up and coming political star...to serve in this capacity. Anyway this young couple found me in the Justice of the Peace Registry. Now I am not sure I will marry them, but I did enjoy chatting with them about love and marriage. My JP terms ends sometime in 2009. You serve in 4 year terms. As a JP I can of course officiate weddings, sign off on legal documents--like a notary, issue subpoenas and a few other minor things. I doubt if I will be asked to continue as JP once my term expires, if I am I will certainly do it...just because it is nice to say I am a Justice Of The PEACE!

The Love List 76-77

• 76. Is My Biggest Cheerleader!
• 77. Respects My Political Views...Even If They Differ From His.

GETTING NAKED READY AND THE LOVE LIST 73-75

Yesterday I bought new work-out clothes. New sport bras, t-shirts, sweat pants. I am going back to the gym next week. I have a few more days to chill out because of this blasted freak dairy allergy. I want to be ready...naked ready... You know when I have sex again the body will be ready to be seen naked. Now mind you my Sister-friend JB says women are too hard on our body image. She is RIGHT! So is my Best Friend "R" So I am not concerned with body image, I am concerned with stamina and energy. I want to go the distance sexually. I want to be able to run the marathon. So I am going to train and I want to see some real results by my birthday May 2! So it's on for next week as soon as I get the green light from my Doctor.

And for my birthday, I am buying a whole new sexy underwear and lingerie wardrobe. Now I have lots of great stuff that my Ex has given me over the years, but I am ditching all that stuff! WHY? Because I want new stuff that my new Man will be the only one to see and touch! Now mind you there isn't a new Man...yet! So really I want new sexy unmentionables for my own sense of sexiness and independence. I am giving this some serious thought and I am making it an important part of my new found freedom. But no matter what I am finding my inside sexy and I am letting it shine!

And yes Mr. Torrance Stephens this is a long list--but you have way more qualities than I can list!

The Love List 73-75

• 73. Can admit lovingly when he is wrong.
• 74. Does not use my mistakes as a whipping stick against me.
• 75. Respects our intimate discussions. Is careful and honorable about what he shares with "His Boys" about "Us"

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: LIVING WITHOUT REGRET AND THE LOVE LIST 70-72

I am a huge fan of Alicia Keys new song "Like You'll Never See Me Again"
This song speaks to how I am feeling these days. I am feeling like I do NOT want to live with regret. I don't want to miss out on opportunities for love, for fun, for friendships. I want my days to be lived as if it could be my last one. I know, what the fuck does that mean? And can anybody live with that much passion all the time! Yes, but passion doesn't mean running full speed all day. It means paying attention to your life all the time! It means even in the quiet moments you are present in your life.

I want to be fully present in my life. I don't want to miss a thing and I certainly don't want to regret anything. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and know that I missed saying I love you to someone dear to me. I don't want to leave this earth and my loved ones are thinking that I loved them. I need them to KNOW that I love them. I need them to KNOW that I love them everyday. So I am more present in my life right now and I am learning to live without regrets.

The Love List 70-72

• 70. Treat Our Dreams like they are GOLDEN.
• 71. Protects Me From The World. Even when I don't even know I need protecting!
• 72. We are forgiving to each other and with each other.

TAGGED, I AM IT...AGAIN! AND THE LOVE LIST 67-69

Mizrepresent tagged me! I am happy because I needed the inspiration for today! Hey you gotta take it where you can get it!

So here goes: The rules are you have to post links about your:
Family My Love Story
Friends My Best Friend
Myself My First Meme
Anything in the world Black Owned Inns
Something I Love SPAS! I used to be a spa-junkie..ahhh (sigh)

And the Love List 67-69

• 67. Committed to own happiness.
• 68. Respects my eccentricities as I respect his.
• 69. Allows me to comfort him. Allows me to sit quietly with him. Allows me to wrap myself around him, not as foreplay but as a loving shield against an often crazy and troubling world.

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: THE LOVE LIST 64-66

I had no idea when I started the Love List 15 days ago, that folks would take to it. Men and women alike. Mind you I have gotten more private emails about my Love List than I can share. I have gotten quirky marriage proposals...that I said no to... but was flattered nonetheless. I've gotten suggestions...which I have taken. And folks have asked if they could copy same...of course I said yes!

There is something very hopeful about the Love List. It is magical and romantic and common sensible all at the same time. It feels like the most perfect thing to do, but we never do. At least I've never done it. Each morning I get up and I think about what the Love List ought to say and then like magic the suggestions show up. Things that I have long forgotten about, or things that I believe are more than anyone could possibly be. But so what! It is all about the grandest of possibilities.

The Love List may bear out my next "True Love" I am convinced that it will. Maybe not at the end of March, or at the end of the year. It may well be that my "True Love" is in front of me or far away from me. The thing that I love about it is that I get to dream and imagine and wish and lay out in a very thoughtful way a great many qualities I find attractive in myself and in someone else. I am laying out myself in this Love List and that is amazing.

The Love List 64-66

• 64. When its that Time of the Month, he will keep me in dairy-free chocolates and wine!
• 65. Will wrangle the children while I sleep in every once in a while.
• 66. Will let me cater Boys Night In sometimes. I know this is sacred, but I could really set it up beautifully and keep it all manly-man of course.

TAGGED...I'M IT! AND THE LOVE LIST 62-63

The lovely and talented Danielle Turchiano TAGGED ME! on Monday, but I was too sick to think of 7 random/weird things about myself, so I am doing it today and if you are reading this, YOU'RE TAGGED TOO!

7 Random & Weird Things about ME!

1. I was a chess champion at the age of 12.
2. I dated two guys named Ken, one White, One Black at the same time.
3. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 14, I quit cold turkey when I was 23.
4. I directed the Play A Raisin In The Sun in College.
5. I have been keeping a journal since I was 13 years old.
6. My father and I have the same identical birthmark.
7. I am highly intuitive (may read to some as psychic).

The Love List 62-63

• 62. Can Receive Gifts With Grace. It makes me happy to give!
• 63. Can Give Gifts With Grace. It makes me happy to receive!

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: WOULD I GET MARRIED AGAIN? AND THE LOVE LIST 59-61

I loved being married. In the beginning of my marriage my husband loved the fact that I was so romantic and paid attention to details in gift giving and little surprises. I did things that I thought would make him happy--doing for him made me happy. I once hired a Jazz Trio to play in our living room for Valentine's Day. My husband got home from work and headed for the shower because we were expecting two other couples for dinner to celebrate being in love. He knew nothing about the Trio. They arrived and set up while he was in the shower, so when he got out and heard the music he thought I was just getting in the mood early. He was blown away when he came downstairs and there was this Trio of musicians playing romance songs. That was a fabulous evening. I once rented a limo and took him to a Jill Scott concert at Foxwoods casino. I once surprised him with a weekend at an Inn in NJ on the shore. I even planned to renew our vows in a charming church in Paris--sent my wedding dress ahead and everything. The only problem was September 11th the World Trade Center tragedy. We shifted gears and went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico instead--still romantic.

My marriage history is filled with lovely stories of romantic gestures. But they all weren't happy. At some point my husband began to dread holidays and gift-giving. He began to see my gestures of love as competitive events that he couldn't keep up with. He began to resent me and my excitement about Valentine's Day, Christmas, my Birthday. He started complaining about how hard it was to give me a gift. He started feeling like it was unfair to put so much effort into commercial holidays. I NEVER ONCE ASKED FOR ANYTHING. I am not one of these women who gives lists of expected gifts. I love gifts. What ever I got I was happy. He never believed me. He always felt like I expected him to match my giving. So I started dreading my favorite holidays because I could not take the fighting and whining.

In spite of all of that nonsense, I do believe in Love and I do believe that I will get married again and I know the next Man will get me in a way that my current/estranged husband did not and could not.

I remain a hopeful, romantic, optimist.

The Love List 59-61

59. Loves to Read. Is interested in all types of genres.

60. Loves all types of music. Must have a top 5! Mine are:

• Lovely Day, Bill Withers
• Love's Holiday, Earth Wind & Fire
• Air in G String, Johann Sebastian Bach
• Edge of a Dream, Minnie Ripperton
• So Far Away, Carol King

61. Loves Films/Movies. Must Have a top 5! Mine are:

• Sounder
• Daughters of the Dust
• Auntie Mame--The Rosalind Russell version
• Casablanca
• They Way We Were
• The entire James Bond franchise

FEELING BETTER AND THE LOVE LIST 54-58

I got up this morning feeling a whole lot better! So NO to the narcotics! Mind you, I am not against drugs. But since I am the only adult in the house, I am a bit afraid to take the prescribed narcotics because it puts me into a deep deep sleep and I am not comfortable doing that with 4 little children. So I am happy that I am feeling better this morning, all the pain is gone! By the weekend I should be back to optimum health.

I am so grateful for Family and friends who showed up with prepared meals for my kids. Thanks JB--the tacos were a HUGE HIT!

The Love List 54-58

54. Understands that every argument/fight does not mean the love affair is over; even if we retreat to our separate corners.

55. Knows when to retreat when things get a bit tense; does not allow anger to cloud judgement.

56. Does not hold anger in; does not store/harbor unresolved
issues; speaks mind in a non threatening, non-violent manner.

57. Has personal rules against hitting women, intimidating women,
bullying and threatening women.

58. Knows the best part of any disagreement/fight is the MAKE-UP
SEX!

THE LOVE LIST 51-53

Yep I am still sick...but the Love List goes on! Tomorrow I may have to bring in the big guns...(prescribed)narcotics (sigh).

The Love List 51-53

51. Appreciates a White Sale. Macy's, Target's, JC Penny's--loves high
thread count sheets at a really good price. Likes nice towels.

52. Appreciates that Girls Night Out is just as important as Boys Night
Out.

53. Likes to cuddle, smooch, snuggle in and out of bed.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THE LOVE LIST #50

The Love List 50 (the halfway mark!)

50 :

• Sees the world as a place of wonder and joy.
• Is invested in peace and goodwill toward all.
• Marvels at the rising of the sun, and believes the moon is for lovers.
• Loves the sea.
• Is happy to just hang around without any real plan or purpose; to go where the day takes us.
• Comes to me with a peaceful heart and a joyous soul.
• Cares not what the world thinks of this love.

Yep, I am still sick but life must move on, the children ARE going back to school today and my Sister's Tuesday Luncheon is still meeting here.