Sunday, September 29, 2013

Andy Stanley - Marriage Expectations (iMarriage) Part~1

I find this to be extremely helpful
and thought provoking. As I am taking steps toward marriage for the second time.  It is important to be very clear about what I am doing, what I want, and what I bring to this commitment of joining lives.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Prolonging Pain

It is difficult to overcome being lied to.  It is difficult to believe someone professing love all the while they have a separate plan in place for their exit.

The mind and heart will join forces in seeking truth.  This is how I can clearly recall snatches of conversations.... things said aloud and things deliberately withheld.

How odd to stand in the fool's spotlight as if I can't reach the off switch.

Perhaps now is not the time to delve into this.  Perhaps more information is needed. 

More questions to ask.  More answers are needed.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Moving At My Own Pace: Detriment or Benefit or Both

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God.

In between answering and asking, there is knowing and trusting and braving the questions asked and being  daring enough to answer.
What the fuck am I doing?  And how do I know when and how to sacrifice happiness for routine and mundane?  Do I get to have an exciting life? And what is that longing for an exciting life and what the hell do I consider exciting?  No I do not mean the juvenile definition of an exciting life... endless parties, lovers and headaches. I did that in my 20s to early 30s.  At 50 defining an exciting life takes on a new level of discernment and contemplation.  There is a boldness to saying yes to this and no to that.

Maybe sacrifice isn't the word I would use to speak to this malaise. Perhaps the way to frame this for myself is to think about how to have an exciting life along side routine and mundane. Maybe that's the illusive balance talked about ad nauseum by people who have neither, and haven't been able to fully show or teach or live themselves balanced.

Balance is an illusion.

What is real,  is consistent effort.  For example I say to my kids the way to become a good reader is to read everything all the time.  But doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results is INSANITY. Back to my original questions... what the fuck am I do.  I am going around like in a circle.  What is the thing I am doing wrong that is keeping me in this cyclical bullshit? UGH!
Hey Zora, I am moving through questions and answers. God does not care if I like the questions or answers.  God only says "hey, I'm with you... hang with me and allow the path to illuminate as you move forward"

Shifting into my divine mind.  Taking all this to prayer.  Seeking silence.  I know how to do this. I often forget to do this as a survival tool.  I forget I have a spiritual tool box chock full of grace centered TOOLS!

There is no urgency that I need to comply with.  I am on God's time.  I move at my own pace to my detriment or benefit. I know when things are urgent, just as I know when being still is the right course of action.

Being still isn't doing nothing.  Being still means allowing God to direct.  What does this mean?  It means stop talking.  Stop wringing hands and worrying.  It means stop talking.  It means catch your breath and calmly allow grace to show up.

Time for deep prayer.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

I Want To Be Free - Ohio Players

No matter how much one tries... the same shit creeps up.  And if I gotta always be the one that is the problem in all this... then I want to be FREE.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Songs are prayers... there is a song out there for whatever ails you.  Just searching for the right song to capture my mood, feelings and vibe is therapeutic.

Sleeping with a broken heart...sums it up.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Toni Braxton - How Could An Angel Break My Heart

I stumbled upon this song... it is very beautiful and very well done.

A song will express what I am at a loss to convey.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Tank - I Can't Make You Love Me [Official Music Video]

Betrayal is a  deeply soul retching thing.  Betrayal opens the flood gate for doubt, insecurity and distrust. You immediately have to run through your history with that person recalling all the moments that things felt wrong or off, but you didn't quite explain where the difference was. So you brush off what you intuitively know...

The people closest to you carry the biggest knives and have the ability to drive that knife deep into your heart.  It is never sharp and fast, it's always a little plunging at a time... over time. If they could hurt you quickly you could recover quickly.  But it never is quick, easy or painless. 

I have always said anything can be forgiven, but that doesn't mean you have to stay.  Forgiving doesn't mean condoning anything. Forgiveness frees you from carry the weight of someone Else's fucked up choice.  Getting past their bullshit of explaining how you got to this sad and painful place. This dreadful time is indeed an opportunity for growth.  Some people grow stronger, closer and more in tune.  And for me, I grow up and grow on.

I cannot live with doubt and distrust.

I will not live with doubt, distrust, fear and disrespect.

It is my thought to share this with my oldest daughter as she maneuvers her way through dating and connecting with someone.  She is making herself available to someone who keeps going back and forth between her and another girl.  it is painful to witness. She is like a puppy in the pet store... eyes wide open  CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME! OH PLEASE CHOOSE ME!  I know this feeling of wanting to be chosen and no matter what you do, the object of your misguided desire will not choose you.  And if by chance they do, it is only because their object of desire has also made a different choice and you are second best... 1st runner up.

In the words of Bonnie Raitt... I can't make you love me, as sung by Tank (for the young Hipster set)