Adulting: Showing Up For Love

In friendships, you have to be willing to go to your beloved and say you hurt me. And equally important if you've done the hurting, you gotta repair that shit. You gotta take your spit and glue and tape and bandaids, offering a balm. Love requires that and much more.

You hurt me is hard to say and hard to hear. Often folks can't bear it on either receiving end. If you are the one directing it to your beloved, then in your repair and healing of the situation, you have to resist the urge to say that's not what I intended, or meant. Or that I didn't think it was offensive or hurtful. If you are the one saying how you are hurt by what was said or done, then you have to be clear and honest as you can be in those moments.

Hurt words can be healed, providing you are prepared to walk in truth. Let me tell you what hurt and why. We hurt each other in small almost unnoticeable ways. We hurt each other in grand sweeping ways. We hurt each other. The mark of love calls us to repair, tend to and heal the wrong done, real or imagined.

Not telling someone how you really feel about them is not walking in truth, And brushing off things only stores them in a powder keg. Someday it will go BOOM! So rather than wait for the explosion, speak your peace.  I value those I hold dear as friends. I want them to know that hurtful words in and of themselves will not break our friendship. Misunderstandings cannot be left to fester because we are afraid that we can't get to higher ground... common ground. I promise to make myself available to listen without judgment. I may need time to process what you say, but I will not up and abandon the friendship. I pride myself on being a reasonable, deeply thinking woman.

At this place in my life, I am tending some of the most beautiful relationships I've ever had. All the people in my universe are treasures. Each one of them makes me a better woman. The fact that they make room in their lives for me and my shit is breathtaking. I come with complications and unimaginable wounds that run deep and long. Yet somehow their hearts welcome me and I am safe and cared for.

Showing up vulnerable is where I want to exist from. I want to be wide open. That comes with risks. I am willing to take the risks.

Lover. Soul Mate. Husband.

Some years ago I crafted a Love List (Check my archives)... 100 things I wanted in a Soul Mate. Fast forward almost a decade to a more manageable downsized Love List. 11 Things I need in a Lover, Soul Mate, Husband. I am planning to get married again, which means I am planning to be purposeful in my dating life. I am planning to chose more wisely. It begins with clarity about what it is I value in myself and in someone intimately connected to me.

Hey Universe I am putting it out there!

Integrity. 
Be impeccable with your word. Consider me as you go about your day and in the choices you make. I will do the same. Show up honorable. Show up fearless.Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Trust
Confide in each other. Place more importance on sharing with each other than being concerned about what might be our reactions, because we know we are on each other's side. Believe in me,as I will believe in you. Count on me, as I will count on you. Need me as I need you.

Fidelity. 
If you feel compelled to have and want more than me and what I can give and bring to you. Then tell me. Cut right to the heart of the matter. Otherwise hold yourself sacred and I will do the same.

Walk in Truth. 
Have a code of ethics for yourself. Always be willing to tell the truth about how you feel, think and behave.

Kindness. 
In deeds. Words. Actions. Lovemaking. I don't want sarcasm that is mean, or hurtful. I want romance in the ordinary course of the day... Not always grand sweeping gestures. Small and thoughtful.

Have your own interests 
That don't include me. We are not twins. I support your interests. Support mine. We are individuals merging and blending; we must hold to our independence too. Let us respect each others alone time.

Be willing to have an adventurous love. 
Be willing to do things. Try things. Experiment. Open to possibilities for more love and shared experiences.

Believe in the circle of family.
Be connected to family. Have peace within family. Blend our families as best as we can.

Willing to be honest about finances.
Create fiscal priorities.(Which I haven't done, but want to do this next time around)

Sense of humor
Can laugh and make light of things. Not stoic. Not hard. Not sarcastic.

Wants to be married.
Wants to exchange vows with family and friends in attendance. Wants to have a marriage that works... Not the fairy tale... But real shit. Talking. And more talking. Reasonable discussions. Room for disagreement and differing opinions. Commitment to working through everything.

To My Potential Lover... I am Ready For Love.

I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that I may get up in the middle of the night and seek solitude because being in the bed with you is suffocating and this has nothing to do with wanting you or not wanting you. I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that when you quickly take me into your arms I tense up and shut down because you triggered an old wound. It is is not your fault. I just haven't been able to fix this brokenness in myself yet.

These are the things that are apart of my reality. It takes a great deal of time to make sex and emotion connect for me. I know how to perform... I don't know how to love. I can rival that of a porn star, but I cannot share my inner most deep longings and desires. What may seem and feel like indifference is my inability to reach for you. You see I was left in my marriage because he couldn't wait for me to need him. He couldn't wait any longer for me to share with him my pain and suffering. He couldn't endure my aloneness. I didn't know how to include him. I am not sure I even understood that those that love you need inclusion.

So here I am dating again. Dating with vigor and joy. I am getting to know men who are honorable and lovely. I am treading slowly. I am trying to push through my fears and my barriers. They don't have to tear down walls and scale the castle walls. I must tear down the barriers and lower the draw bridge. I am deliberately not having sex... Because  I can easily separate sex and emotion and never connect. My heart and soul longs for connection.. Deep abiding connection. The kind of connection that allows for the celebration of vows of love and commitment!

I am a particular kind of woman that appeals to a particular kind of man. I know this. A Man who is brave in heart. Not daunted by a woman who is greatly scarred and wounded. A man that is drawn to my light and sees the goodness. A man who only wants my happiness. A man who is not sarcastic and hurtful and small and insecure and petty. A man who can lift me up and not feel like he needs to compete for the same spotlight. A man who is solidly himself and not a product of the contemporary world.

I know I am capable of love even while I walk the world with a gaping hole left by abuse/incest /sexual exploitation. Becoming a mother to children I adopted illuminated a path to love I have never known. Saving Grace. Raising my children is saving grace. I willed myself to be attentive and loving to them...Kissing them everyday.... hugging them at night... tucking them in at bedtime... I had to rise above my own shit to give them what every child needs, a loving caring parent. With each hug and kiss I was strengthening myself and tearing down walls and barriers to love. I wanted to be a mother who gave them love in action! I wanted them to have a mother who they would know loved them with good touch and sweet words. I feel good about this. I rose above my fears and stepped into motherhood like a boss!

Telling a lover all this has its own risks and terror. It is hard to explain. It is hard to get someone prepared for shit that might make them feel unloved and unwanted. I don't want the lover of my choosing to feel this way and if they do, I want to be able to explain and share. To open myself up wide so that  they embrace my truth and understand.

Yes, progress out of my abuse has been made. I have come a mighty long way with the love and support of folks who have nurtured my spirit. The fact that I believe true love will find me ready and open is a miracle. There is no bitterness to my spirit or my tongue. I want all that love brings and offers and I am ready to do the sustaining work to make it last.

Maybe this is a love letter to the potential love interest... Maybe this is sharing. I do know I am ready for love.

The Case For A Well Lived Life... Passions Abound.

I was mentioning to someone about the many passions I've enjoyed thus far on my life's journey. I've never had just one passion to drive me for my life's work. I've experienced a great many things that I had great love for and moved on from. I was passionate about working with folks affected and effected by sexual assault. I was passionate about delivering meals to folks living with HIV/AIDS. I was passionate about working with women survivors of domestic violence. I was passionate about politics and being elected to office. I was passionate about all the nonprofit Boards I've served on. I remain passionate about raising the 4 children I adopted. I remain passionate about the Black Press. I am passionate about the Charter School Board I serve on. I am passionate about hyper-mass incarceration and my ability in lending my voice, talents and time to this effort.

I always believed  I could do and be anything and so I set out to do just that. My mother told me at a very young age and I just believed her my whole life. I am always baffled by people struggling to find that one great passion that answers the big question of why am I here? I tried searching for one great passion and I found for me, there's no such thing. I am passionate about a great many things. So I have come to accept and relish that about myself.

I am acutely aware of the sands of time... There is so much more I want to be and do and see. The older I get, the greater the desire to become more of who I am meant to be permeates my spirit. I know why I am here... to be Babz. To expand my mind. To raise children. To fall in love over and over and over until I die. To be a blessing to somebody. To do my part in working for love.

Today more than ever before, I am not stressed by the road ahead. I am not freaking out about what to do next. I have made peace with the allowing of things... my self... this body... my heart and the potential for love of another... As in partner. The wasting of time is not something I am interested in; not with people, or projects or pleasure. I can do or not do as I see fit.

My passions span a wide array of things from social justice, to personal development. I can track my growth on my life's timeline on the the things I was most passionate about. I like that. I am living a well lived life.

I Saw A Photo Of A Man So Fine....

I am winning at my life and man it feels good. The tides of fortune have turned in my favor and baby I am lapping it up!

I saw a picture of the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life. He is an artist... poet... world renown photographer. He does not know me, nor I him. Our paths keep crossing on the world wide web.  But if there was ever anyone close to my ideal it would be him. Decisive, soft, a fine eye for fine things and real connection to God. A renaissance man... oh how I love renaissance men.  Brothers who walk the world sure... bold and always in love. And get this, he lives in NOLA. The place my heart longs for. The place that was made for a woman like me... mysterious, sultry, friendly and oh oh oh so sexy. I love the fantasy of him. I love the reality of him. I like that such a man of my dreams exists. No I do not plan to pursue him. It is not about him. This is about the kind of man my heart and soul connects to. His words captured me and I know that mediocre...indecisive men won't do ever again. EVER.

That is the lesson, to seek and be open to men and people who speak to your heart and soul. To leave folks who are a mess alone. I am not a mess. I do not have to invite foolishness into my space. I get it.

Finding the photo of the very beautiful artist and having his words and photographs find me is not about him at all. It's about me turning a corner and stepping into the desires of my heart. I may never meet the beautiful artist whose eyes haunt me and whose words lift me to another realm of consciousness... Yes I've have been fucking him in my mind since the moment I saw him... but that's my fantasy. And really even my fantasy of his sexiness is small in comparison to his aura... that is felt even from this distance and without introduction. This is not about sex solely... this is desire for all that he represents...art, community, God, beauty of Black people and love of self. I see it for myself... all that excites me, moves me. Few have done that for me... and really it has been decades since this part of myself has been aroused by art and the artist. I like it. There is a deep untapped artist within and I think he calls it forth in some way. I suspect he has that affect on all who see him and experience him.

I say all this to say, that in my happiness state of being, I am not thirsty. I can drink freely and effortlessly from the well of life. I am walking the world a very happy, freed woman. I am rediscovering the kind of man I have yet to happen upon; this Brother reminds me and makes very hopeful that what I seek is seeking me.

NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

They have made my life better... Stronger... More vibrant. There was no me before them... Truely. They have rescued me from despair. They have saved me from hopelessness. They have added a dimension to my life that did not exist before. All that I know about TRUE LOVE I owe to them.

There is no greater love on the planet for me than my love for these four. They are my greatest treasures. They are my greatest redeemers.

I invite those looking to build and or start a family... add to their family... consider adoption. It will change your life in so many unexpected glorious ways.

How Do I Love? Part 2

I was talking to my sister Lo the other day about how I am moving forward dating and I said to her, I want someone to be good to me. I want someone who wants to see me happy and joyful. I want someone to bring peace and goodwill to me. I want someone to be good to me without question or fear or conflict or condemnation or judgment. I am all that I ask for.

I've never known anyone to bring that kind of love to me. I always thought I lacked something that would allow for that kind of love. It never occurred to me I was just choosing poorly.

I was choosing poorly.

I clearly see what I need and want and pray for. I want kind words, I want an attentive spirit. I want witty banter. I want stability and unconditional love. I want affection. I want affection that isn't used against me or as a whipping stick. I want someone who is fearless and bold and loves my boldness. I want someone who has a life he loves. I want someone who has room for me and all my quirky shit.

I want laughter all the time. I love like this. I have always loved like this. I just didn't trust my own heart and mind.

I just chose poorly. I cast my pearls before swine willingly because I didn't trust that what I needed and wanted would show up... or even existed. I had no faith in true love.

I settled for bullshit over and over and over and over again and again and again.

Not this time. Nope, not this time. I either live a passionate life or I don't, I either have someone who is my everything or I don't, I either bask in the glow of my own brilliant light or I don't.  There is no halfway, middle ground, almost, settle-for-this bullshit.

I know how to love. I embrace that and live in my truth. I know how to love and I know how to let someone love me.  They gotta come authentic, sincerely and only want my best at heart.

I know how to love. I've always have... I let the world convince me otherwise.

Here is my invitation and declaration to the one who would happily come for me: I know how to love.

I know how to love.

To Be Read... And Kept.

"There are two people you'll meet in your lifetime. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners that inspired them the most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It's the third you'll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book." ~ Unknown.

How Do I LOVE? Part 1.

I posed this simple question to my blog crush Stars Like Grains of Sands in my Pocket :Tell me about how you love? Tell me about how you love deeply? I asked this based upon a post he did on the guiding principles of his life... Rules to Live by it was impressive and moving.  He is a righteous, disciplined brother who I have come to know a great deal about over the years. Aside from hosting deep and intense fantasies about him moving to Connecticut and being the greatest love of my life.  I like the way he thinks and his approach to things. He is quite methodical. Keep in mind he is quite expressive so you gotta keep reading the whole post to get the divinity of his wisdom. Anyway I was profoundly struck by the absence of love or what I projected love to be... there was no mention of anything connecting him to another human being in the present... lots of past reflections of love gone awry. How could a man who is so completely filled with great compassion, sensuousness  and a willingness to be someones significant other if only they would act right not mention of anything like that? I couldn't understand that and wanted some explanation (I do not deserve any explanation mind you) and invited him to provide me one. He did. Tell me about how you love. I appreciate how you live, tell me how do you love deeply
Always deeply thought provoking... I wasn't quite satisfied... I know I was projecting my own shit here... but I couldn't let it go and he is so graceful and accommodating to me. I was trying to get him to answer the question for me.... about me.... I wanted him to have an answer for my life. He came back to me with another post and this is where I got it! Expansion on How I love.

In the midst of his sharing... I see it... it leaps out at me as if it was waiting for me. "Love is about surrender and acceptance" it was like something deep in me remembered this to be true. And just like that he answered my longing to know with a statement that pushes me to ask... Have I or can I surrender to love and accept love? Gasp! I have blogged about this before and I am going to go back through this blog and see.

Marry Me Mark Johnson. Seriously. I could use a Wisdom warrior in my life.

So now I am taking all this to prayer. How do I love?

Indeed. Love List needs a revisit.... less list and more action. We shall see.

He's Gone. I am Here. Love Remains.

At 50 I have learned to accept that sadness is a part of being alive.  That hurt feelings, lost love and a broken heart are reminders of the breath I take and what the depth of being alive is all about.

My first instincts are always to run away and hide out... I am the queen of self imposed exile.  But this time I am going to press through fully embracing the fear, pain and heartache.  Now I know how to press through.  This time I mean press through with a real awareness of the pain and fear and heart ache.

It is not the same kind of leaving that Mr. Exhusband did.  With the Potential Mr. Babz I was not surprised or caught off guard.  The Potential Mr. Babz leaving was really a formal announcing of never really being here.  He was never here.  He was never with me. He was never with us.  From where I sat, which was up close and personal, he never fully arrived.  He never fully unpacked. He had a different plan that he tried to talk himself out of under the guise of self-sacrificing for my sake.  He thought it was love, but I knew it to be fear.

Once I shifted my thinking from blaming him, I began to realize that this was also his opportunity to exhale and be let off the hook of caring for a potential wife and ready made family. To me it always felt as if he was constantly saying "this is as good a  place to dwell as any"  I could feel that truth hanging around us.  He was not here and no matter how hard I tried to ignore my heart, mind and intuitive self, the fact remained.  Being with me was not where he truly wanted to be. I have no idea where he truly wanted to be or with who. Only he can answer that and I suspect for him therein lies the fear. I will always love him.  I have since I was 15 years old.

The truth is quite liberating when we allow it to be. I spent these last few years struggling in a relationship that had run its course. I see some of the lessons that I needed to bring to the forefront... deep hidden painful truths that needed the light of day. I have a clearer understanding of what kind of man would feed my spirit as well as excite me. I know fully what I have to offer and it is plenty and enough.

I have decided not to spend any more time lamenting a broken heart.  If anything I am preparing to open it wider. I was made to be loved. So this truth-telling is all there will be on this matter.  He's gone. I am here. Love remains.

“I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.”
― Audre Lorde

How Do I Love Me, Let Me Count The Ways

How Do I love Me? Let me count the ways.
I love that I am unafraid to fly to new heights. I am not afraid to look into the depth of my soul and find peace.

I marvel at my resilience. I honor my brave heart.

I love that I love to laugh...big, hearty and bawdy!

I love that I am fearless. I cannot and will not be contained, controlled or confined by my thoughts and or by the thoughts of others.

I love the ever evolving definition of who I am.

I love my big passion.  There is no shame in desire and sensuality. I am at home naked.

I love my dreams and my fantasies. I love seeing the world through rose colored glassses.

I love the way I think. I love the way I am raising my children.

I love that I have no desire for perfection in anything. I do not beleive in aspiring to perfection... that is a fools journey.

I love that I allow love to fill my senses... through song, wine, friends, and poetry. I am an artist.  I love that I am an artist.

Today I declare that my love for me is unyielding. I will never again invite doubt, and negative talk to interfere with my love affair of myself. I will never again accept someone's manipulation and try to call it love.

Who I am right now is good enough.  I am worthy of love.  I am enough I am enough I am enough.

I can feel time embracing me... whispering, be love right now...be happy right now... You are loved as you are right now.

There is more, oh so much more.

The Gift Of Vacation: How I Got My Groove Back

Giving myself permission to vacation was a luxury.  I am glad I just said yes and went.  I had no idea how stressed and  unhappy I was until I went away and was absolutely carefree. Moving at my own pace with no agenda and no shoulds, or have-tos.

Being on vacation allowed me to see my life from a different place. Yes, of course I knew I was drowning, I knew I was suffering.  I knew I needed to change my mind and my perspective.  Vacationing with Sister-friends renewed me and allowed me to miss the things that were important.  I still feel rested and relaxed after being home 2 days.

Granted, I am still a bit lost as to what to do next and how to move forward.  I have come to realize that knowing what happens next, in this instance isn't required as I step into the life I am creating.  And I am creating a life filled with people and experiences that bring me joy, and happiness and love.

The greatest value of vacationing is understanding that I gotta get off the grind in a real way periodically. Give myself back to myself in a real meaningful way. I have to do a better job of taking time outs and seeking quiet time to be still. Having two very different vacationing experiences was needed.  New Orleans was like a week of Friday nights! Party! Party! Party! I loved it, I remember when that was the norm. I stepped into the mood like I never left it.  I needed that kind of respite to remind me of my vibrancy and aliveness. The Sister-friends I was hanging with were just what my spirit needed... women of the same age, who were reaching to have more love in their lives too.

Martha's Vineyard was a very different trip indeed.  Oak Bluffs was like a week of Sundays... laid back, mellow and carefree.  I have forgotten what living without the weight of the world could be like.  Meandering through the day as if that was my occupation.  The doing of nothing was elevated to a fine art. I was so mellow and chilled the fuck out that taking a shower was way too much effort (although I did shower everyday). There were a couple of days where pajamas were the perfect outfit. The porch was the only destination and the commute was to the fridge for more beer or champagne. I took to the cool-out time like I couldn't believe. I needed it for my soul, for my heart, for my mind and for my body.  I let the tired me fall away and allowed the rejuvenated me reemerge. Oak Bluffs was a balm that soothed a weary woman. My Sorors understood and strongly encouraged the NO AGENDA, DO NOTHING, WE'RE ON VACATION  mindset. It was the house rule. I happily acquiesced.

I am happily back home.  All the same challenges remain.  All the same fears and doubts awaiting my return.
What has changed is my feelings about them, and my non-reaction to them. I am moving with a more serene perspective. I know how I want to live and it starts with peace in my mind...my whole being.  That is the gift of vacation. I do believe I got my groove back!

 

Revisiting fear...

I have been around long enough to know fear.  I have looked at myself from the inside out, upside down, right side up and back again.  I know fear.  Fear isn't just the boogey man under the bed.  Fear isn't just the bump in the night.  Fear woos you like a faithful lover.  It shows up just at the moment you are about to jump into your dreams.

Fear woos me like a faithful lover, it shows up at the moment I am about to jump into my dreams. Fear is so convincing that I start to believe that it is my own voice being intuitive.  And that's where the damage is done...I believe by waiting for just the right moment to dive in is better than just diving in because the water is perfect right now!   I find myself sitting on the edge watching everyone else jump in and swim to their success.  This is not about measuring myself against others success.  It is about admiring others success and wanting success for myself.

Fear shows up in all kinds of ways and I thought I was better at recognizing it.  Well perhaps I must remain on constant alert. Fear never takes a vacation. As long as I am striving for a better experience of myself fear will hover and look for ways to keep me stuck. I think I was under the belief that if I whipped my fears once that would be enough.  But new fears show up at each step toward my success.

I know who I am. And it is this awareness and consciousness that is my best offense against my fears. I get to create and craft my story of a lifetime. I get to dream uninhibited.  I get to chase every dream as if my life depended on it. It does.

The fears and doubts and uncertainties are illusions.  They are not life-threatening... I know real peril and I do not deliberately put myself in harms' way.  This is another fight... a battle of keeping my eyes on God's grace, or succumbing to my fears that are not of God.

Every minute of everyday I get to choose.  I get to choose love over fear. Today love wins. 

Yes. You Will Find Him Next To Me. (Emeli Sandé - Next To Me)

You won't find him drinking at the tables
rolling dice and staying out til 3
you won't ever find him being unfaithful
you will find him, you'll find him next to me

You won't find him trying to chase the devil
for money, fame, for power, out of grief
you won't ever find him where the rest go
you will find him, you'll find him next to me

Next to me ooooh
Next to me ooooh
Next to me ooooh
You will find him, you'll find him next to me

When the money's spent and all my friends have vanished
and I can't seem to find no help or love for free
I know there's no need for me to panic
cause i'll find him, i'll find him next to me

When the skies are grey and all the doors are closing
and the rising pressure makes it hard to breathe
well, all I need is a hand to stop the tears from falling

I will find him, will find him next to me

Next to me ooooh
Next to me ooooh
Next to me ooooh
You will find him, you'll find him next to me

When the end has come and buildings falling down fast
when we spoilt the land and dried up all the sea
when everyone has lost their heads around us
you will find him you'll find him next to me

Never in my life have I met someone like him
I'm blown away by his love for me
if you ever wonder where it is you'll find him
you will find him, you will find him next to me

Next to me ooooh
Next to me ooooh
Next to me ooooh
You will find him, you'll find him next to me

Next to me ooooh
Next to me ooooh
Next to me ooooh
You will find him, you'll find him next to me

Emeli Sandé - Next To Me

On The Corner of Commitment & Dedication...FINALLY

I have been here before and I am glad to be here again..  Standing at the corner of Commitment and Dedication around so many issues in my life... health, children, marriage, career, friendships, family, hobbies, education, church.  This is a good place to be.  This is where I need to be.  If I am here, then I am not wandering down dead end streets.  I am finding my way... I have finally found my way. 

I have been lost for so long that to finally be at a place that is recognizable is like finding water in the desert. There isn't just one area of my life that I can put my finger on and say yes, this needs more direction and a better map. MY WHOLE LIFE NEEDED A MAP! Everything is connected.  Everything needs direction and purpose. The road of Fear leads to confusion, insecurity, distrust, uncertainty and on and on.

I am committed to better health, more love and financial peace. I am dedicated to working toward these things everyday without fail.  I am here because I have put one foot in front of the other and kept on moving forward.  Yes, I had to drop some folks along the way... and some folks had to drop me.  Moving forward is the only way.  Moving forward can be going left or right, or up and across, but never back and never round and round.

My real excitement lies in being open to the possibilities of my life. This stretch of road feels sure and firm and I am moving forward.

My Lenten Journey: Day 1 Ash Wednesday

For the next 40 days I am going to step into holiness.  I am going to take up my cross with all the pain and heartaches, disappointments and sufferings.  Each day I am going to let one or more burdens on my cross go until at the end all I have is a renewed life. I am summoning my divinity to the forefront.  it is time for Rebirth, renewal, reward.

The way to live the life of my dreams is to live the life of my dreams.

40 days. To Fast. To Pray. To Contemplate. To Accept GRACE.

This is always my favorite time.  Some years I am in and some years I am not.  Since this is an answer year, I am decidedly in. There is a depth that awaits me.  Now would be the time to answer the call.  To listen and fully allow God's movement in my life.

I do not have to make stringent rules or layout a plan.  Only to end each day with prayer.  Sit quiet and allow God to speak.  Write in my prayer journal... all the good things I enjoy in my life.  Take up the prayers of those in need and to profess my love for God.  To rise at first light with prayer. Set the tone for holiness through out the day. To walk in truth.  To celebrate with kind words and deeds. 

I am inviting God in as my guest for the next 40 days.  It is my intention to have him be at home in me.  That I might be the dwelling place of Christ. That I become the light of the world.  That my life truly becomes a blessing to someone. I want a new consciousness. I want a new perspective. I want real peace and everlasting love.  I want joy all day.  I want to meet life's challenges with a glad heart.

40 days. To Fast. Pray. Contemplate. Grace.

Bob Marley Makes Me A Believer.

“ Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

— Bob Marley

Dear Brothers:

I found this on Facebook and was so moved that I just had to post it here.  I have no idea who the author is... her name is listed at the end.  This is DIVINE and I can't stop reading it. I want to become the very last paragraph; that's the woman of my dreams.

DEAR BROTHERS:

If you want to change the world… Love a woman - really love her. Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.

Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen. Hear the names, the prayers,

the songs of every living thing-every winged one, every furry and scaled one, every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one, every not yet born and dying one…

Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life. If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.

If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet, you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her. If you want to change the world…

Love a woman - one woman beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason, beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety and all your superficial concepts of freedom.

We have given ourselves so many choices we have forgotten that true liberation comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire and burning through our resistance to Love.

There is one Goddess in every woman. Look into Her eyes and see-really see if she is the one to bring the axe to your head. If not, walk away....right now. Don’t waste time “trying.”

Know that your decision has nothing to do with her because ultimately it’s not with who, but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… Love a woman. Love her for life - beyond your fear of death, beyond your fear of being manipulated by the Mother inside your head.

Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her. Say you’re willing to LIVE with her, plant trees with her and watch them grow.

Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty, by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… Love a woman in all her faces, through all her seasons and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-your double-mindedness and half-heartedness which keeps your Spirit and body separate-which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self for something to make your life worth living.

There will always be another woman. Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars, trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.

Man doesn’t need any more choices. What man needs is a Woman, the Way of the Feminine, of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing, of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots strong enough to hold the Earth together while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… Love a woman, just one woman. Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.

Love her through her fear of abandonment which she has been holding for all of humanity.

No, the wound is not hers to heal alone. No, she is not weak in her co-dependence. If you want to change the world…

Love a woman all the way through until she believes you, until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion, her wildness have returned to her ...

... until she is a force of Love more powerful than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world, lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.

Lay down your inner war, righteous anger and Love a woman…beyond all of your striving for greatness, beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.

The holy grail stands before you if you would only take her in your arms and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered through the heart of the feminine, in man or woman?

What if a man’s Love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine is the key to opening Her (and His) heart?

If you want to change the world…Love a woman to the depths of your shadow, to the highest reaches of your Being, back to the Garden where you first met her,to the gateway of the rainbow realm where you walk through together as Light as One, to the point of no return, to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth..."

To be a man and love a woman like this, she must be the kind of woman that *could* be loved like this.

A woman leading her body, her life with trust, compassion and willingness. A woman that values, honors and allows her vulnerability to be witnessed, plunged into, ravished ... A woman who communicates, stands in her center and opens herself wider, and wider ... and wider, again. She sings her song and dances her dance in full confident feminine expression - And she honors him, his dance, his direction - yet ONLY because she honors her feminine and His masculine purpose NATURALLY fulfills her... "Here" - she knows she is home... -Lisa Citore

The Beginning Of Spiritual Maturity...

Am I spiritually maturing?  Am I growing in my faith or am I just spinning my wheels hoping for miracles and not doing the work to walk closer with God?

I feel this kind of examination needs its own blog.  It's own place where it does not have to compete with the day-to-day bullshit romance of my life. I have been thinking about this a lot.

I find myself calm and peaceful in some areas of my life.  In other areas I am unglued.... banshee-esque.  I want to have a peaceful life where the world does not wear me down.  I want to live a peaceful life where I am not moved by the mess of other people's lives.  I am not talking about being removed, remote, reserved. Maybe it has nothing to do at all with other people.

My struggle is with God and about my walk with God as my friend and redeemer.  The real struggle is with moving in that direction and away from the trappings of the world... all the material shit that I covet, hoard and just like looking at, dreaming about and lusting after.  Maybe this is where spiritual maturity begins, owning my materialistic desires and deciding that they carry no more weight.

My faith walk toward God is becoming very important to me. It is growing in me and I am allowing it take root.

So I am sure a blog is coming.  I can feel it.  This one here will always be my baby.  My heart is calling for something more.

I Gotta Identify My Own Needs So I can Quit Resenting Other Folks For Sucking The Life Out Of Me!

I am in a mood and it ain't pretty.  I am not angry, but I am damn close. I feel drained, sucked dry and invisible.  There is not one person or thing  or situation I can point to as the sole cause of my mood.  I am the architect of my malaise.

I have to take back my life and the care thereof.  I have to set a better pace for myself and become a lot more selfish.  I am quick to tell a sister-friend to put herself at the top of her list, and yet I consistently find myself at the bottom of mine.

Not dealing with identifying my needs keeps me a slave to other peoples needs only. I am not saying that I won't cater to the needs of those I love.  I need to add my needs to the mix and carve out time to fulfill them. Acting all stormy is not the way to be and doesn't get my needs met.

Directing my anger at folks for asking me for what they need is my foolishness.  How can I be mad at that? I need to be more like that...ask for what I need.  I can articulate the finer points on most anything under the sun, but when it comes to what I need, I lose my voice. I am at a loss as to what it is I truly need.

This revelation leads me to modify the question of who am I? And what do I want? To I know who I am, so what do I need?  Getting to the heart of  what I need in my everyday practical life will squash the resentment I have toward folks that ask me to fulfill their needs. My deal isn't with folks asking me and depending on me. My funkiness lies in my internal neglect of listening to where I need attention in my own life.

What is it I need?  What do I need?