Sunday, September 30, 2012

My BEST Friend...Still A Man For All Seasons

Five years ago today, I was preparing to self-surrender to Danbury Federal prison Camp. My sentence was 30 days in Danbury, 5 months house confinement, and 3 years supervised probation.  That is all behind me,  all of it... probation being the last and that was completed 2 years ago.

On the night before I had to self-surrender, my best friend Ron, called me from Austin, TX where he was attending a work-related conference.  He called me around 10:00pm to check in to hear what the game plan was and to see what else needed to be done on my behalf and my children.  I let him know that all was done, everyone had their script, My ex would be moving back tomorrow and all the teachers and church family had the plan in place to support the kids and their Dad in my absence.

I thought that would be the end of our conversation... I thought an hour was good to fill him in and to assure him that I would be OK.  He wouldn't get off the phone.  He wanted to talk some more.  He was nervous about me going (like other people he had a very TV based perspective of what prison would be like.... I admit I had that Hollywood sense too).  So we talked some more about everything, politics, college pledging our Greek organizations, graduate school (which he recruited me for years before I actually applied and got in!).  We used to do these marathon phone conversations, when we were neighbors!  In those early days of friendship we would talk on the phone for hours and we lived next door to each other! 

By the time the sun started to rise, I finally had to hang up. But before I did, he wanted me to be brave, be my charming self, that this will be over soon and that no one had more resolve than me.  And that he loved me.

His friendship has been the most rewarding friendship of my life outside of my immediate family.  He has been the most honorable man I have ever had the good fortune to know.  We traveled together, we have laughed together, we have sang together.  We have enjoyed a friendship that is stronger than most marriages.

He has been for me a great love of my life.  He has been the father I wished I had.  He has been the protective big brother.  He has been my Knight in shinning armor on so many occasions.  He has stood by me when so many just walked away... including my then-husband.  He has never judged me.  He has never been ashamed of me.  He has been my biggest fan, cheerleader and confidant for well over 25 years.

I have never met a man of such honor, nobility and humanity in all my life.

God has been unbelievably good to me...sent me a friend for all seasons.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Crisp Air Feels Divine

Fall is here again and I couldn't be happier or more sadder.  I have LOVED the last few Summers... warm weather has seduced me.... won my New England heart over.  But I gotta say, the crisp air is divine.  Having my bedroom windows open letting in the night air is perfect as I pull my down blanket closer (I sleep in a down blanket all year long). I am like Charlie Brown's friend Linus... the blanket is my security

This time of year has so much significance for my life... October is so full of all kinds of anniversaries and memories.  I take it all in, the good, the bad, the miserable, the sad, the celebratory and the divine. i could easily use the coming October as my time for resolution... a time for contemplation, a time to be still and watch the leaves fall fall fall.

A sense of hurry hurry slow down. Slow way down. Time to start cocooning and making soups, and checking children's coats.  Asking and checking who has outgrown last year's coat? And  looking to see who gets the hand-me-downs and can I afford to get all new coats for everyone?  And oh dear more boots and socks and mittens.

With the fall crisp air that is so divine brings with it, the spooky oohhhs.... the things that used to frighten  me. Nothing no longer has that power at least not at this moment.  All I seem to want to do is burrow.  I like that feeling.

The crisp air feels so divine. Breathing in is magical, breathing out is the prayer.  God's presence is all around.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Worth It.

I have been working with a trainer since April...a week before my May 2 birthday.  I just decided to give myself the gift of time and commitment. I decided that I have to make a real effort to make my health a priority.

It does HURT.  It does take TIME.  It does require DEDICATION.  It does require WILLPOWER.  I am making HEALTHY DECISIONS.  It does require SACRIFICE.  I am pushing myself to the MAX.  There is TEMPTATION.  BUT I AM DETERMINED TO REACH MY GOAL.


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Circus & Sanctuary

Kicking the door down in my own life.  Taking my hustle to center stage.  That has to be the new rallying cry. I got to act like there is no tomorrow because there ain't.

I have wallowed. I have triumphed. I have wallowed again. Life is meant to be lived. You are supposed to win and lose and win and lose. Lose and win, lose and win...time and time again.

There's more to this life of mine.  I am sure there will be more loses along the way and more winning too! I've got a tool box full of ways and means to weather the roguh times, celebrate the good times and share with those on the way.

I am for the BIG LOVE! Days and nights of joy and bliss, circus and sanctuary.  I am happy being both loud and calm.  I am at peace with being silly and serious.  There is no fighting that paradox anymore.  There is only the invitation to whomever wants to come in.  There is nothing easy about loving me.  There is nothing hard either.  I am.

There is a real grounding peace that sweeps over me as I let go of things, people and thoughts that have tethered me to a potential life not well lived.  I intend to live well right now in this moment; always staying in this present moment.  It is easy to fall backwards, we speak our truth from the past, on what we have learned.  I am tired of remembering and trying to prevent what happened before.  Doing that, thinking that keeps me forever in the past.  My breath is in this moment.

Being conscious isn't about finding fault.  It is about knowing who you are in this moment...the next moment...moment by moment.  Being conscious is about noticing God in the ordinary comings and goings of the day.  Being conscious is liking who I am right now... not the me of 20 odd years ago, or the me next month after I have dropped 20lbs, or the me next week as I get ready to step out to a gala.

Circus and sanctuary. I am living here now.

Sunday, September 16, 2012


I am cleaning up my house of friendships and acquaintances, both in my real everyday life and here at my virtual home, my blog.  I am saying or have said goodbye to folks who do not serve my spirit. It is time to align myself with people who think positively, act positively and move in the world with real gusto! And maybe you are doing that in your life, but it's not feeling that way to me.

I am judging people (we all have to judge people in order to decide who to keep around and who to let go of), however I am not condemning anyone.  I just can't keep reading, discussing, or hearing the same bullshit that does not grow my spirit.  I am tired of my same old bullshit.  If I check you out and dig what you have to say and then find you are still saying the same shit day in day out, I gotta go.  It's not about you, it's about me.  It's about what I need and what I gotta do to get myself further down this road.  If I am still stuck in my mess then you should drop me too. I am beyond being entertained by other people's messes and drama. I am seeking to grow into spiritual maturity.  I am seeking to clean up my act and become more of what God would have me be.  If I keep reading and listening to mess and crap and the same old, tired run-down excuses why their life isn't working, or their love interest is not feeling them, or they are going back for more where there was only less anyway, then there's no moving forward. This is not to put down anyone's journey or self-discovery, I gotta walk my path and stay in my lane. Hanging around hoping other folks will ignite my fire is not a plan.

We are each connected to one another, with valuable lessons to share and get from each other.  Sometimes we spend lifetimes together, and other times its brief... fleeting.. minutes.

Taking the profound advice of FLOTUS Michelle Obama... don't bring people into your life who weigh you down.  I am losing weight.

So if you feel hurt, or angry or annoyed at me for dumping you.  I am sorry. I gotta go. Thanks for all that you brought to me for the journey thus far.  I hope I brought something special to you too.  But it's time to move on.


Saturday, September 8, 2012

7 Forces That Keep You From Succeeding....

I don't like the term LOSER!  But I understand the concept and truth be told, I can easily point to a few, if not all of these in my own life.  SOOOOOO.... time to clean up my act!

I have no shame.  The best way to live the life of my dreams is to have clearly defined goals.  Yes, even I with all the shit I am currently juggling must be focused about getting from A to Z.

Tomorrow a new plan takes shape! REALLY TRULY YES!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Once I Stopped Forcing My Circle Self Into A Square Existence

This last break-up finds me quite happy.  There is sadness around knowing someone is hurting and have some anger toward me.  I am not hurting or angry at him this time. I am holding to the belief that each encounter, each relationship with anyone is meant to teach me the lessons needed for the journey ahead.

What have I learned from this? Oh so much, once I stopped forcing my circle self into a square existence. We don't attract what we want...we attract who we are.  Cool.  I can see that.  I can see that I have WORK to keep doing.  I like his reflection of myself...some of it.  The stuff I didn't like, the stuff that showed up in our interactions are the things that need my attention.  I finally understand that.  His nagging and whining that drove me crazy are the challenges I gotta face in my own life.  His petty, mean-spirited name-calling was his, not mine and though he liked to call me out on it....the reality is that's his work to do for himself.

I know who I am.  I am beyond being manipulated.  I am beyond being made-over to fit an ideal.  I am always transitioning.  I am always seeking to grow and to become more of what God has intended me to become.

The man suited for me... made for me... created for me, seeking me... will find me.

This last relationship brought me closer to what I say I want than ever before.  That is a win!  That is divine! 
I feel that my heart's desire is just an introduction away.  I am closer to real readiness and I have him to thank for that.  Had he not shown up I would still be trying to define a loveship.  He helped craft a definition that included needs and wants and fairy-tale. As I look back over the last 3-4 years of struggling, celebrating, starting and stopping with him.  It is clear, I was carving out a definition of love in action for myself.

I get it.  I am understanding how life works sometimes.  It is all about lessons and learning and moving forward.  And what you don't get you repeat.  If I am not living the life of my dreams that's my deal.  And my dreams are what I say they are.  I am responsible for the keeping and pursuing of happiness.  I am responsible for becoming the love I want.  I am the love that I want!

The Course In Miracles says: Only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.

Monday, September 3, 2012


green smoothie challenge Doing the 3 Day Green Smoothie Challenge.

I am making changes from the inside out.  I am not into fads, or potions.  I am however putting health first!  Over the next year I am spending time on my health!  I have been working with a trainer since late April.

I turn 50 next May 2, 2013 and I want to be back to my fightin' weight (that is my personal best and a damn secret for now!)

It is time to focus on internal health of mind, body and spirit.