Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Joyce Rupp: Breath of Life, You Ride The Waves Of Life With Me

Breath of life,
You ride the waves of life with me
in the rhythms of my communion with you.
You enter the comings and goings
of each day and in every prayer I breathe.
Whether I am in the stillness of quiet prayer
or in the fullness of the day's activity,
may your peace flow through my being.
Joyce Rupp

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Back Sliding Is Real, But Not The End Game

I am in the midst of a full blown BACK SLIDE. I am doing shit that does not bring me to my goals.  I am going against what I say I want.

It started with the little conversations about go ahead you deserve it... get more, you don't want to die tomorrow and have it be known that you went without the very pleasure that stirs your heart.

Is this weakness or simply being human?  Am I ashamed?  Can I recover?  What the fuck am I doing?

So close to success and here I am blowing it.  Acting like I am some newbie.  Acting like I don't deserve to win.

The weight of my life becomes unbearable and the aloneness is almost too much.  God if I have to crawl into that lush king-sized bed one more night alone.....

Throwing up the big "L" for LOSER.  This is how I am feeling, how I see myself right now.

I know it is fleeting.  I am aware of my feelings.  I am not running from them.  I am not trying to bury them.  I am merely acknowledging their existence.

Moving on.  Back on track.  That's how love goes. I pick myself up, dust myself off and champion another day.  I am fully aware that back sliding is real, but not the end game.  I can wrestle this emotion and remain a champion of my life.

Holding on to the bullshit that floats through my mind is under my control.  I don't have to chase the negative thoughts.  I can pull up and move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION... E.N.D.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

God. My Breath. And the Sky

I am not fast. I am not concerned with how far I go.  I focus on one step-at-a-time. I work to connect my breath to my thoughts. I seek rhythm. 

I Just finished week 3 of training for the 5k. Saturday starts week 4.  It is mind-blowing that I have been training for a 5k.  I do not love or like running.  What I do like is the sense of accomplishment of getting it done.  This morning I was so relaxed and so ready.  I was not concerned about it being hard.  I ran without my usual music pumping.  I just wanted to be in the moment with God, my breath and the sky.  This is sacred.  This is sacred and I am understanding that.  It is more surrendering than running; God is directing and I am moving at the command of the wind.

The sound of my breath is the prayer. 

I am progressing.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Won't Quit.

“I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion'.”
Muhammad Ali

This is MY FAVORITE Quote! it speaks to me on so many levels and for so many reasons. I do want to live the rest of my life as a Champion (and I get to define Champion).

Sunday, October 7, 2012


My first pair of REAL running sneakers! I went and got  measured and had a great conversation with the guy who sold them to me. I went to my local Trailblazers.  I like that store very much, they made me feel so comfortable.  I initially went to DSW but I was overwhelmed with the shoe selection and didn't want to choose a shoe that wasn't right for what I was about to do.  Anyway I got the  Brooks Adrenaline GTS 12.

And thanks Big Mark for the running advice and the sneaker advice. I did spend over $75 and I am glad I went for quality!
Tomorrow is W2D1 (week two, day one) .  There is no thinking only running!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Couch-To-5K... Yes I Am Training!

I decided to to train for a 5K Race.  9 weeks.

On facebook I am friends with so many fitness minded and fitness focused Sisters that I am inspired.  I saw the founders of Black Girls Run! on some show and I thought YES!

So it's W1D3 (Week 1 Day 3) and I feel good.  I bought the app for my iphone.  I like it.  I feel connected, focused and COMMITTED!

I refuse to turn 50 in May 2013 and remain in this state of poor health.  I have serious health goals that I want to accomplish.  I want the second half of my life to be fit.  I want to be vibrant and I want to be HEALTHY!

I am looking to buy my 1st pair of quality running shoes.  I am reading, and learning about how to be a good runner.  I am all in and I love it!

And yes I have been loading up my ipod with great running music! LOL!  Shoot! I was running to "Warm It Up Kane", by Big Daddy Kane.  LOL... Old skool for sure!

I'll periodically post my progress.  I like the direction God and I are taking my life.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Contrition, you Move Forward. It's Over.

There is no going back.  There is no need to remember what now dwells in the past.  I live and thrive in the here and now. Trying to drag myself back to a time of great drama, uncertainty and pain is outrageous.  What is the point of that?

Five years ago I went off to prison.  So what. It is not an anniversary that needs celebrating.  I don't have the same need to remember high school graduation, college graduation, graduate school graduation, the adoption dates of my children.  I don't remember my divorce date.  But I am quick to drag myself back to October 2007.  As if I am not punished enough.  I am acting as if I am not sorry enough.  I am acting as though I could be more sorry if I tried.  I am acting like I must bring it to everyone's attention lest they forget...lest I forget and they have to remind me.  But nobody's reminding me.  I am doing that.

I am letting this go.  Today is true liberation day.  It is behind me. 

"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no.  Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh.  All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right.  Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated.  Guilt is a trap.  People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing.  Contrition, you move forward.  It's over.  You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken from the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.