In Between. Part 2.

It's not about standing in the gap waiting. In Between meant the quiet space of here and there....a place to hide. I used to think in between was lost space and time... waiting, always waiting for something to happen.

The In Between has just become for me a real opportunity for a kind of preparation... a catching of my breath as my dreams come into focus. It is that grace time to breathe in and breathe out. Letting go of loss and preparing to receive new gifts.  And oh those gifts are so grand... even in their simplicity.

The In Between used to mean licking my wounds and muddling through despair until the sun shined again. It used to mean curling up deeper under my covers awaiting another day of dreariness. I just didn't know how to undue the blues and so I just accepted the time and space. Wishing and hoping that it would quickly pass and I could start again.

Now, I am choosing complete honesty... that's the road. Truth... walking in truth as I know it to be. I am not talking truth telling to or for other people.  It is truth telling to me myself...asking real questions and answering with a real sense of fully knowing what I want for my life.

I'm standing in the fork in the road. I can see where I have tried to answer my life without discovering the questions first. I wanted answers that encompassed all the needs of everything and everyone I am responsible for, but I never really asked myself what I truly want... I always thought that what was needed was what I wanted. And what was needed always came, but what I wanted was deemed frivolous and to focus on my wants was a fool's misstep because everybody knows needs are more important than wants.

And yet I wanted. I want so very much. What I want chases me in my daydreams and in my sleep... the late nights are filled with fantasies and dreams. How can I shoo-shoo those away? I did. I was wrong. As I find myself  discovering this new definition of In Between, I am drawn to a different road. Yes indeed Zora, some years ask questions and some years answer...  I do believe this year I am doing both.

In Between. Part 1

Lately my dreams have been about lovers of the past and lovers of the future. Neither which are rooted in the here and now.

The other day as I was sitting and listening to my ex-husband invite me to a party with him and his current wife (who I like very much) It all felt surreal... like I'm in some hellish Woody Allen movie where everyone is talking and talking and talking and I am shrinking and shrinking and shrinking.

I acknowledge my loneliness. I neither run from it or wallow in it.  It is a current fact... my current situation.  I am accustomed to it.  I just spent three-plus years in a go-nowhere relationship that made me feel like I was trapped on a deserted island.

The peacefulness of being alone (alone as in not in a sexual relationship) is lovely. The moments where sadness washes over me, I let it and I daydream and I move on. I am done trying to force myself into anything. Being alone is not a curse or crime... it is a state of being. I am realizing that the focus isn't so much what I don't have, but taking inventory of what I do have by way of interests and freedom to do and go as I like.  Running over the past situations have been illuminating... I clearly see where I just wanted more than what was there to have.

Someone will come and fight for me. Someone will think the sun rises and sets on my smile. Someone will come with their financial life in good shape. Someone will come thinking that all these curves lead to profound ecstasy! And that to change anything at all would be blasphemous and abomination to God... unless I want to change something by my own desire and the one that seeks me becomes my greatest and loudest cheer leader.

I've been seeking and preparing all wrong... even with a Love List revisited in hand. I don't mind wrestling with this yet again. And I don't mind falling down as long as I get back up. So down the rabbit hole I've gone seeking, looking, hoping. It's OK. I've learned so much... truly.

So I think now the lesson moving forward will be from a different level. I get this "going back for more where there is only less." foolishness. I don't need another refresher... another soul breaking lesson.

The dreams, I suspect are telling me I am in between. Yes, in between in a great many areas of my life. How odd? How profound. So the call is now to pick a road and go down it.

A call to explore the In between. yes. I think that is the thing to do.