Friday, September 12, 2014

Good Bye For Now.

As I write this I can feel the tears welling up.  I've been in this state of sadness for a few days. I think the bubble of living an enchanted life is falling away. My optimism for the world is dimming.

The aloneness  is overwhelming. So much so that I've taken up dating with gusto... posted my profile on a couple of popular dating sites. The last date, I put myself in harms way.  I met this man online... we met at midnight for a quick glass of champagne...20 min conversation--oh so romantic. Good-bye until we meet again.  We made plans to meet a few days later. Yes of course we talked on the phone endlessly and incessantly leading up to the first and second dates... at one of my favorite watering holes and he arrived late.  He seemed weird, scattered. We sat down and the conversation was disjointed.  He didn't seem really interested in connecting. 45 minutes later, I decided I had enough.  He paid the check and asked if I would give him a ride  to his car.. sure I say, he said he parked just down the street.  He gets in my car I drive to his car... I unlock the door and say good night.  He leans over and locks my door, puts his left hand on my back and begins rubbing my back.  In a split second I knew I was in trouble or this was going to be a problem.  I said firmly please get out of my car. He sat there and asked if he could give me a hug. I said NO... I don't know you. He offered his hand, I shook it and said a firm good night. For a split second I could tell he was thinking about pressing me further... weighing his chances.  I think given where we were on a very busy street in a trendy bustling neighborhood was my saving grace. I drove off...deliberately driving out of my way to my house in case he was following me.  I was so mad at myself. How could I be so stupid? So fucking trusting of a stranger? I know better. I realized in my haste for connection with someone I didn't protect myself. I am so desperate for a loveship that I just put myself in harm's way.

So these last few days have been illuminating.  I have to do things a different way. I have to stop what I am doing. Clearly, I am not ready to take on the responsibility of dating and putting myself out there. 

I think I have to give up the hope that there is a real possibility that all the love I've had in my life is all the love I am going to get and that is enough for 100 WOMEN!. I don't think anyone will ever come for me again. I have to just quit seeking.

I am in place I've never been in and I don't know how to get out of it. So, what I know to do is to retreat to my fortress of solitude. I need some time down. Heal myself. Be quiet.

Maybe I'll be back. Maybe not. 

Good bye for now.




Monday, September 8, 2014

How Do I Love? Part 2

I was talking to my sister Lo the other day about how I am moving forward dating and I said to her, I want someone to be good to me. I want someone who wants to see me happy and joyful. I want someone to bring peace and goodwill to me. I want someone to be good to me without question or fear or conflict or condemnation or judgment. I am all that I ask for.

I've never known anyone to bring that kind of love to me. I always thought I lacked something that would allow for that kind of love. It never occurred to me I was just choosing poorly.

I was choosing poorly.

I clearly see what I need and want and pray for. I want kind words, I want an attentive spirit. I want witty banter. I want stability and unconditional love. I want affection. I want affection that isn't used against me or as a whipping stick. I want someone who is fearless and bold and loves my boldness. I want someone who has a life he loves. I want someone who has room for me and all my quirky shit.

I want laughter all the time. I love like this. I have always loved like this. I just didn't trust my own heart and mind.

I just chose poorly. I cast my pearls before swine willingly because I didn't trust that what I needed and wanted would show up... or even existed. I had no faith in true love.

I settled for bullshit over and over and over and over again and again and again.

Not this time. Nope, not this time. I either live a passionate life or I don't, I either have someone who is my everything or I don't, I either bask in the glow of my own brilliant light or I don't.  There is no halfway, middle ground, almost, settle-for-this bullshit.

I know how to love. I embrace that and live in my truth. I know how to love and I know how to let someone love me.  They gotta come authentic, sincerely and only want my best at heart.

I know how to love. I've always have... I let the world convince me otherwise.

Here is my invitation and declaration to the one who would happily come for me: I know how to love.

I know how to love.


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

To Be Read... And Kept.

"There are two people you'll meet in your lifetime. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe fold corners that inspired them the most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It's the third you'll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book." ~ Unknown.


Saturday, August 30, 2014

How Do I LOVE? Part 1.

I posed this simple question to my blog crush Stars Like Grains of Sands in my Pocket :Tell me about how you love? Tell me about how you love deeply? I asked thibased upon a post he did on the guiding principles of his life... Rules to Live by it was impressive and moving.  He is a righteous, disciplined brother who I have come to know a great deal about over the years. Aside from hosting deep and intense fantasies about him moving to Connecticut and being the greatest love of my life.  I like the way he thinks and his approach to things. He is quite methodical. Keep in mind he is quite expressive so you gotta keep reading the whole post to get the divinity of his wisdom. Anyway I was profoundly struck by the absence of love or what I projected love to be... there was no mention of anything connecting him to another human being in the present... lots of past reflections of love gone awry. How could a man who is so completely filled with great compassion, sensuousness  and a willingness to be someones significant other if only they would act right not mention of anything like that? I couldn't understand that and wanted some explanation (I do not deserve any explanation mind you) and invited him to provide me one. He did. Tell me about how you love. I appreciate how you live, tell me how do you love deeply
Always deeply thought provoking... I wasn't quite satisfied... I know I was projecting my own shit here... but I couldn't let it go and he is so graceful and accommodating to me. I was trying to get him to answer the question for me.... about me.... I wanted him to have an answer for my life. He came back to me with another post and this is where I got it! Expansion on How I love.

In the midst of his sharing... I see it... it leaps out at me as if it was waiting for me. "Love is about surrender and acceptance" it was like something deep in me remembered this to be true. And just like that he answered my longing to know with a statement that pushes me to ask... Have I or can I surrender to love and accept love? Gasp! I have blogged about this before and I am going to go back through this blog and see.

Marry Me Mark Johnson. Seriously. I could use a Wisdom warrior in my life.

So now I am taking all this to prayer. How do I love?

Indeed. Love List needs a revisit.... less list and more action. We shall see.


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Go Bold Or Go Home

I feel bold. I like feeling bold. I can no longer live the lesser story, nor can I let anyone try to force me to the lesser story of my life.

Bold. Going beyond my comfort level... which is for me code for lazy.  I don't want comfortable if it means I settle, I don't try. I am not trying to reach some elusive notion of success. I want to do what I want to do because I want to do them. I want to push myself to my highest self.

I want to be in love and stay in love all the time. I want to laugh and drink wine and enjoy good food.  I want to support causes that speak to my heart and soul. I want to be surrounded by fresh cut flowers. I am tired of being afraid.

I am chasing a bold life, because I am running out of time and living in fear of anything saps the life out of me.

No one gets to hold me hostage with their mess. I can't carry extra baggage of any kind. Come to me with a willingness to unpack or keep moving on. Come to me willing to travel light or keep on moving. I don't have a map, just God's call on my life and the stars and the moon to guide me.

This boldness is not new. Dormant. Hidden. Tucked away. And throw in some shame for good measure....shame is at the heart of not living a bold life.  Who are you to live so boldly? I mean you gotta hang your head and wear sack cloth and never smile or taste the sweetness of joy again. That's the weight of shame. I prefer the boldness of the day. I prefer to laugh out loud and smile and love love love deeply.

Loving deeply is the foundation for a bold life. To touch in love is the real revolution.  To go beyond my fears and reach out with open arms and open heart, naked and unashamed is my personal journey.

A bold life I seek. A bold life I shall live. Go bold or go home.  And if you go home, you can always try again. Life is all about chances. Today I'm taking a chance on going bold. I'm not talking crazy or throwing caution to the wind. It is for me declaring love every moment. And letting declarations of love find me... wrap around me.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

In Between. Part 2.

It's not about standing in the gap waiting. In Between meant the quiet space of here and there....a place to hide. I used to think in between was lost space and time... waiting, always waiting for something to happen.

The In Between has just become for me a real opportunity for a kind of preparation... a catching of my breath as my dreams come into focus. It is that grace time to breathe in and breathe out. Letting go of loss and preparing to receive new gifts.  And oh those gifts are so grand... even in their simplicity.

The In Between used to mean licking my wounds and muddling through despair until the sun shined again. It used to mean curling up deeper under my covers awaiting another day of dreariness. I just didn't know how to undue the blues and so I just accepted the time and space. Wishing and hoping that it would quickly pass and I could start again.

Now, I am choosing complete honesty... that's the road. Truth... walking in truth as I know it to be. I am not talking truth telling to or for other people.  It is truth telling to me myself...asking real questions and answering with a real sense of fully knowing what I want for my life.

I'm standing in the fork in the road. I can see where I have tried to answer my life without discovering the questions first. I wanted answers that encompassed all the needs of everything and everyone I am responsible for, but I never really asked myself what I truly want... I always thought that what was needed was what I wanted. And what was needed always came, but what I wanted was deemed frivolous and to focus on my wants was a fool's misstep because everybody knows needs are more important than wants.

And yet I wanted. I want so very much. What I want chases me in my daydreams and in my sleep... the late nights are filled with fantasies and dreams. How can I shoo-shoo those away? I did. I was wrong. As I find myself  discovering this new definition of In Between, I am drawn to a different road. Yes indeed Zora, some years ask questions and some years answer...  I do believe this year I am doing both.



Sunday, August 17, 2014

In Between. Part 1

Lately my dreams have been about lovers of the past and lovers of the future. Neither which are rooted in the here and now.

The other day as I was sitting and listening to my ex-husband invite me to a party with him and his current wife (who I like very much) It all felt surreal... like I'm in some hellish Woody Allen movie where everyone is talking and talking and talking and I am shrinking and shrinking and shrinking.

I acknowledge my loneliness. I neither run from it or wallow in it.  It is a current fact... my current situation.  I am accustomed to it.  I just spent three-plus years in a go-nowhere relationship that made me feel like I was trapped on a deserted island.

The peacefulness of being alone (alone as in not in a sexual relationship) is lovely. The moments where sadness washes over me, I let it and I daydream and I move on. I am done trying to force myself into anything. Being alone is not a curse or crime... it is a state of being. I am realizing that the focus isn't so much what I don't have, but taking inventory of what I do have by way of interests and freedom to do and go as I like.  Running over the past situations have been illuminating... I clearly see where I just wanted more than what was there to have.

Someone will come and fight for me. Someone will think the sun rises and sets on my smile. Someone will come with their financial life in good shape. Someone will come thinking that all these curves lead to profound ecstasy! And that to change anything at all would be blasphemous and abomination to God... unless I want to change something by my own desire and the one that seeks me becomes my greatest and loudest cheer leader.

I've been seeking and preparing all wrong... even with a Love List revisited in hand. I don't mind wrestling with this yet again. And I don't mind falling down as long as I get back up. So down the rabbit hole I've gone seeking, looking, hoping. It's OK. I've learned so much... truly.

So I think now the lesson moving forward will be from a different level. I get this "going back for more where there is only less." foolishness. I don't need another refresher... another soul breaking lesson.

The dreams, I suspect are telling me I am in between. Yes, in between in a great many areas of my life. How odd? How profound. So the call is now to pick a road and go down it.

A call to explore the In between. yes. I think that is the thing to do.