Monday, January 22, 2018

A Woman of Many Umbrellas

I am indeed a woman of many umbrellas. This has been so, as far back as I can remember. I've never done just "one" thing. I always had my hands and feet in this, that or the other. I am curious by nature. I learn by doing. I love by doing.

I used to be harsh on myself... Why can't I just excel at one thing. Why did I have so many interests. Didn't I just want to perfect one set of skills? Never! I could never just be about one thing. I was always peeking around corners and underneath a stairwell. If there was some new thing calling my heart, I'd run like the devil to it and throw myself into until I got what I wanted and then on to the next thing.

I can cook. I can write. I can sing. I dance. I create. I've made a living doing all manner of things big and small. Here I am on the verge of turning 55! I don't seem to be slowing down. I actually feel like I must rush full speed ahead. Not in a frenzied way, but deliberate and wide open. Maturity gifts you with a different sense of urgency. I have a clarity that serves me...I heed my intuition.

I find myself these days, full. Doing work and projects that push my creative juices to the absolute living end and I love it. It's raining projects, and social interactions and love. Up goes the umbrellas, not to ward off all this joy but to catch it!

Monday, January 8, 2018

What am I willing to Do For Myself?

Or, why the fuck am I not taking better care of myself?

I am in that category of “a woman of a certain age”… Hell, I am 54. I turn 55 May 2, 2018. I love my birthday. Those in my circle all around the world know how much I love my birthday. So, you would think I would be in the best of health, seeing how I love living another year and celebrating such every year.

It’s as if I am oblivious to the fact that I am human and need tending to. I am not the focus of myself. This is not a new lament. It shows up as weight loss efforts. It shows up as “I gotta get more sleep” because I only get about 4 hours a night. It shows up in managing high blood pressure and all the other “what ails me” shit.

I know what needs to be done. I am not at a loss for information and support and, Gawd, more information. I don’t seem to be able to “self-help” myself into any consistency or discipline. Why can't I just focus and press through? Why is this so fucking hard.

I've blogged about this over the years... My blog archives are filled with posts about motivation, dedication, moving as I see fit. Here I am back to being stuck. Maybe some of this is New Year pressure. Some it could be self-worth shit rearing up again.

I may be mixing two very different things into one bowl. What does taking care of myself really mean? And would I recognize the efforts? What is good health for me? Maybe I have too many unrealistic health goals that have nothing to do with health. I gotta think about this from a different perspective. In the meantime, I'll make a plan.

I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

All The Good and More

Happy New Year! I made it! Hahaha! I am not surprised. 2017 was the most fun I've had in decades!

Last year it kicked off with the building of a Squad (Sorors Michelle and Markeshia) and from there we rolled everywhere. Three women... Sorors, up for adventures where the days took us. From a lavender farm, sunflower farm, birthday party in NYC, a vegan chocolatier and a reset in Jamaica. I rolled far and wide. Oh, and cigars and Scotch and more cigars and live music and wine, wine, wine.

2018 will not disappoint. So far it hasn't! I did the Polar Plunge for Parks... I jumped into the Long Island Sound on New Year's Day! It was 7 degrees outside. Below freezing in the Sound. Yeah. I did that crazy shit. Setting the tone for the new year. Jumped into my fears and walked the hell out victoriously!

There is so much I wanted to do in this life and I feel like now is the time to launch all the dream projects. All my hopes and dreams are so intimately connected that everything feels and moves seamlessly. A fluidity I am in command of.

I have two resolutions...I have no intentions of sharing them or speaking about them. This is the year of execution. ACTION! I wrote about the not telling of the resolutions over at my Medium site. Yes, I've been hanging out over there talking about relationships. Anyway, in the words of that great prophet The Godfather of Soul James Brown "Watch me! I got soul and I'm super bad".  I do indeed feel all of that!

Happy 2018. So much behind me and so much ahead. I am in the here and now doing my dreams.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Season of Advent Day 1... Season of Hope and Expectation

I am a woman for Christmas. I am in love with the story of the birth of Christ... The lone star, the Wise men, no room at the inn and a mother waiting with hope and prayers.

What are you waiting for? What is it that would bring you joy? Are you where you want to be? Who's with you? Who has your back? Name your Squad.

This time of year is more than pregnant with glad tidings. Folks are suffering. Many suffering alone. I know this, I have been this. I have sat alone with goodbye letters addressed and stamped. I have sat with loaded gun and tears. I have sat with pills in a bowl ready to swallow.  How do we help ourselves and each other? How do we get to the next day. How do we hold onto a hope that feels like sand slipping through our fingers?

What lessons can Advent tell us? Give us? There is power in waiting and anticipating. What am I giving birth to in my life? Am I using my talents for good? Am I lamenting unnecessarily in my own bullshit? I have in the past. Who am I today? And what do I know now?

These are sweet days of anticipation for me. I am standing in a good place. No, all the challenges I am facing are still very present. What has changed, is my reaction to them. Let the chips fall where they may... I've done all I could do. I am doing what I can to champion myself above the fray of losing in this world. Happiness and joy can and does exist in between the margins of lack, loss and despair.

This season of Advent calls us as Christians to the season of hope and expectation. This delights me, and gives me pause for good things ahead. Not for fairy tale endings... But for fortitude and strength to press on with the belief that God is with us always. And always we are God's beloved.

Let us explore this season of Advent with great expection and hope. Let's see where goodwill and love will take us.


Sunday, October 29, 2017

10 Years Ago... The Return Of Babz

10 years ago today I was released from Danbury Federal Prison Camp. My SisterLo blogged the month for me while I was serving my time. My children, Briana was 10, Gregory was 9, Khalil was 6 and Margeaux was 5 years old. They were so young and brave. I still get teary just remmbering the day I came home and how Margeaux jumped out of the car and ran crying into my arms. She missed me... They all missed me and I truly missed them!

Here is the post my SisterLo wrote in anticpation of my return:

The Return Of Babz

Thank you SisterLo for hgolding down this blog 10 years ago!

All of this is squarely behind me. There will be no more rememberences of this time. No more blog posts, no more marking the anniversary (Okay maybe at the 20 year point). But from here on out, I remain free and happy! Thank you all for coming along on this journey.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Ten Years Ago... Faith Forward Firday (Saturday): Holler If You Hear Me...

This was for yesterday 10/27/17

10 years ago my SisterLo blogged in my stead while I was away serving 30 days at Danbury Federal Prsion Camp.

I found this post quite interesting. My SisterLo never took to church the way I have. So this post is extraordinary.

Here is the link:

Faith Forward Friday (Saturday): Holler If You Hear Me...

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

10 Years Ago... Opportunity Knocked And Broke Down My Door

On this day 10 years ago my SisterLo blogged in my stead while I was away serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp.

I found her posts to be not only personal, but quite insightful and they certainly stand the test of time.

Here is the link to that 10/25/2007 post:

Opportunity Knocked And Broke Down My Door...