Sunday, January 29, 2017

Dear Nina, I Am Sorry I didn't Learn This Sooner...

As evolved as I think I am... And I am. Past habits have a way of showing up. I find myself losing myself in someone's bullshit of a life and before I know it,  I am Superwoman holding up their hopes and dreams. Trying to make their shit align with my shit. What? Why? OMG!

Now to my credit, I have learned to see this mess in record time. When I sit through and walk myself through their behaviours, based on what I see and experience. I get to the truth rather quickly. I have long since given up talking myself into a alternate reality. Yes, an alternate reality... Code for LIES! All manner of lies!

I had to walk myself through some shit just recently. This time I could see myself clearly going down that path of holding up some muthafuckas sky. Mind you their ghosting behaviour wasn't enough... I had to go all the way in and get the dagger in my heart. Oh.  It's over now. I clearly see the light of day, all without wasting too much time. But still, thinking back it all seemed like unnecessary heartbreak.

I want to stay open and vulnerable. I don't want to suspect every potential suitor of being an asshole. Time always bears out who a person is. And honestly, who they are shows up rather early. It comes down to how ready and willing am I to believe what I see and experience?

Dear Nina, I am sorry I didn't learn this sooner... "You've got to learn to leave the table when love's no longer being served". I got it now. Lesson learned many times over.

Moving forward, I am done holding up the sky for some potential love interest. I am only going to respond to legitimate offers of invitations of spending time with me. I am only going to seriously entertain men who check for me first.  

My table is set. I am serving up love everyday. What I'm not going to do is act as though I've never been feed. I am not thirsty. And truly, I am an amazing partner for dinner, for conversation, for sports, for reading, for music, for love, for life.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

A Dead Of Winter Break... Being Revolutionary In My Own Life

It is time to explore radical self care. Be revolutionary in my own life. I cannot keep up this breakneck pace of work in the absence of real pleasures. What the fuck am I doing?

The bigger questions looms... Is this the life of my dreams? No! Then how do I get that life?

I am going to explore those questions and get some answers. Time is of the essence. 2016 and these early days in 2017 have shown me that this life ain't no dress rehearsal for the life I really want. If I want a different life, now is the time to make that leap... Get on that path.


1.  Turn off the competing noises... Leave social media alone for a bit.

2. Do more of the shit that makes me happiest

3. Read for pleasure only

4. Laugh and be in the company of laughing people

5. Be Vegan. Cook Vegan. Eat Clean.

6. Walk. Wander the world on foot.

7.  Write... Handwritten letters, notes and cards to friends and lovers far away.

8.  Enjoy the company of my women friends more

9. Make love... I have no idea how this is going to happen... I don't have a lover to speak of, nor is           there one on the horizon. I just figured I'd put it out into the universe and see. (well, will be more         intentional than wishing)

10. Rest. Rest more. Deep sleep. A real bed time. And naps.

11. Whatever else I discover on my way to my revolution.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2017: Intentional Like A Muthafucka

2017 Happy New Year! 

I have no intentions of rehashing 2016. It was what it was. We took some hits, we had a great many loses and we have an asshole, grifter, conman as the PEOTUS.

I am squarely focused on 2017.  I have two goals. Just two.

1. Health:  I resolve to respect that real wealth has at its foundation good health and well being.
This year my health has been fucked up. I have been sicker than I have ever been in a very long time. Not only that, I had to do a few months of physical therapy because I was experiencing chronic pain in my hips and upper thighs. I could barely walk. I cried a lot. It hurt a great deal. Maybe because of mild arthritis, maybe because of serious prescription drug interactions. Whatever the reasons, I learned that I have to get and be intentional about good health... Excellent health. There is no more room to bullshit, compromise and make excuses.

Every year I make some bullshit proclamation about health and what I am willing to do to get there.. I start off with great enthusiasm and before long, I have stopped. This year I saw first hand what poor health is like. I saw first hand what it feels like to be immobile. It took every ounce of sheer will not to get a cane. This cannot be my life, I cried. I've got to get beyond this setback. I realized that I have taken my health for granted. I thought I would always be well and healthy and mobile. The rudest of awakenings.

This weight has to go. I am not fat shaming myself or anyone else. I just cannot carry this weight into another year and expect to live long and prosperous. The plan will be to take all that I know and follow a plan of my making. I am not giving any more money to programs, trainers, potions, pills, equipment. I've learned a lot and I know there is no "magic" to weight loss, just common sense, consistency and commitment to what I want to be. Everyday I will be intentional about what I eat and how I move this body. Everyday there will be time set aside to move this body.

2. Wealth: I resolve to learn that money is a tool and as such, opens the doors to how I want to live.
If what I am doing is not fueling my bank account I am not doing it. If I cannot turn my so-called hobbies into income, I am letting it go. Wealth creation, wealth building, wealth sustainability is the only focus. Multiple streams of income. 2017 is all about breaking the poverty curse. I know exactly how I want to live. I am no longer interested in squandering money or time. Aligning myself with like-minded people is the new focus. I've had a lifetime of good times. I have tripped the light fantastic all over the world. What I have not done is secure my financial future. I must. I don't have another 50 years to get this right.

2017 calls me to immerse myself in business... Books, talks, workshops, webinars, and anything that raises my awareness about money and the power of money and investment.

This is the year that intentional thinking and acting take priority. Everything else is secondary. I am not saying I won't have a good time or hangout with friends... What I am saying is, there has to be real emphasis on not being fiscally broke all the time, like it's just the way it is. No. It isn't and I have to positioned to move in the direction of my fiscal dreams.

Two resolutions. Two goals. 2017. #BabzIsIntentionalLikeAMuthaFucka

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

My Christmas Within Or Ways I Stay Alive During This Holy Season

In my life I have learned a few survival skills. The kind of skills that override my depression keeping me squarely on the planet for at least another day. I am a day-by-day woman. Yes, I make plans and I stay hopeful about the future with me in it. However, my struggles are day-to-day shit. Wrestling with despair, fear and self worth. I am without a doubt my own assassin. The key to surviving this Season is to recognize the pain immediately. To call it what it is. No excuses. No explaining away and going easy on self medicating.

It's Christmas! My absolute favorite holiday. Bright lights, vegan gingerbread, shiny ornaments, soulful music, celtic music, latin Christmas Jazz, Christmas Smooth Jazz, all the varieties of vegan eggnog and wishing everyone I meet Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Outwardly you cannot see the pain, unless of course you recognize the weight that I carry. I am a woman of height and girth, who on first glance is quite jovial in my own right. So most folks never notice the sadness, the distance, the falling backwards into the well.  Not even really close friends and family readily notice. I mask well. I unmask well too.

Writing is my first line of defense. If I can write what I am feeling. Tell the God's honest truth as best I can. That is often just enough to right my world. The second line of defense is to go do something. Be of service, or be reflective in the places that ease my spirit, like bookstores and art galleries and art supply stores and furniture stores. Yes, I do my best reflecting and discerning when I am roaming furniture stores. I can't tell you how light my heart gets when I am staring at a beautifully made sofa, or handling fine china. I am tactile too, so having my senses engaged as I am rescuing myself is key. A fine cup of coffee, or some exotic tea and vegan scones or some vegan treat. A few hours of that I am right as rain.

The third defense is allowing the tears to flow. Calling a trusted loved one, my sister Lo. Or a handful of friends who will listen and remind me of who I am and what I mean to them. Sometimes it's hanging out on a Tuesday with my Squad, because I need grown women time... Time to talk shit, laugh and be real baddass. Followed by a good nap in the buff... totally nude. Me and the fine linens of my bed. And sometimes some sappy over the top movie.

All these defenses begin with prayer. Followed by sitting a bit in silence. Listening for direction. Clarity always comes.

For me Christmas is its own saving grace. The story of a holy birth, the star in the heavens. The telling and the retelling of this ancient story. I take it in. I am not moved by presents. I happily sit and address my holiday cards. Like prayer. At least 100+ cards with a hand written message of "I hope to see more of you" "wishing you great joy" "Enjoy this glorious season" Always, Love Babz.

I have learned that I am the savior of me. If I am the assassin of me. I certainly can be my savior. And that is how I survive this life. I decide who I want to be to myself.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

NaBloWriMo Day 29 Advent : Season of Wishing and Waiting

I believe in Santa Claus! I love Christmas! I love the story of the birth of Jesus!

I revel in the lights on trees and candles in the windows. Sleigh bells and Angels on high! I love luminaries lining sidewalks and sparkly ornaments everywhere!

It is the season of Wishing and Waiting... Advent. The Rush Rush Rush of the season and the hush hush hush of all things not in tune with good cheer. Peace on earth. Glad tidings.

It is the the time of the year that my wishing takes center stage. The biggest of biggest dreams and wants are allowed expression. Merry Christmas! I want everything! I want every good thing.  I can feel the waiting and anticipation of the child who comes to save and care and restore our faith in God and in each other. Love is so prevalent and so patient and so giving. I feel like Mother Mary. I feel like those three Wise men traveling by the light of the moon and that North Star.

I am my most hopeful and most reverential at Advent. All things are possible in this season of light and anticipation. I know a lot of folks have a very difficult time with this time of year... Seasonal change... Darker days earlier.... And too much jolly ho ho. My heart aches for them and I try to be mindful about my good cheer heaped upon them. I am not in the convincing business. I've learned not to try to talk folks into merry merry happy happy. What I can do is allow my light to be available should someone need it.

I know what it's like to be alone and in darkness... At the bottom of the well, with no way to get out. This time of year is my way out. It is my ladder. The crisp air, bright lights and carols lift me. Prayers of peace and glad tidings lifts me. The bright moon and bright stars lighting up the heavens lifts me.

I wish for so much. I wish for every good thing. I wish for peace everywhere. I wish for more love, more joy and more dessert! I take my wishing seriously. I am purposeful in my wishing. Wishing is not some frivolous escape. Wishing are unspoken possibilities of the grandest hoped for things.

In this season of wishing and waiting, I marry my faith with my sense of whimsy. Making this time joyous and magical. God is ever present and ever listening.

Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

NaBloPoMo Day 16: Time To Reinvent Me ....Next Level Of Baddass

It is time to usher in a new way of being. After all the changes in my grand life, I am always stunned when I forget that when I am in the midst of real change that it often feels like losing. And so I focus on the losing. I get caught up in the pain of not being able to work things out my way. Time and time again God has to remind me that this is not the path fool. Let go. LET GO! Let God!

I am about to upend my life for the bigger plan. The unknown terrain. It is time to walk in an entirely new direction. My life is calling for change. My situation is calling for change. God is calling me toward change. Time to reinvent me and go for the next level of Baddass!

This really is another moment of ascension to achieving my dreams. The day-to-day minutia easily distracts me from the greater goals. It is so easy to be consumed by the small bullshit of the mundane. I believe that is where failure lives... Sitting and waiting for me to get bogged down in things that serve no purpose and certainly do not move me forward.

However this time, I see the way forward much more clearly. And it's because of the circle of folks who remind me of my greatness. And yes, I mean my greatness. Their seeing my greatness, presses me to see my greatness. I am embracing this new chapter. A chapter I get to craft in celebration and joy and mystery.

I am so unafraid. I am so embracing what is next. It is time to reinvent myself yet again as I walk bravely toward the next level of my season of baddass.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

NaBloPoMo Day 15: Let Us Begin by Lara Herscovitch

I heard Lara Herscovitch tonight at the Community Conversation hosted by my Sorority, New Haven Alumnae Chapter, Delta Sigma Theta, Inc. She gifted me 2 of her CDs. She is so fabulously good.

Just drink her in.