Saturday, May 2, 2015

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's my 52nd Birthday!
I love the woman I am becoming!
I am enjoying this life... My life. I am glorious in my appreciation of my breath. I am in love with myself. All that I want I have at my core. I'm moving at a speed that suits me.
My opinion matters to me.
I am a Grown Woman happy. Whole. Beautiful.


Tuesday, April 28, 2015

My Hands Are Open

So someone introduced me to a man. A man they thought would be of support to my spirit.
Of course I was wrangling my hands about the introduction... especially since the person doing the introduction does not know me really. Does not know me at all. But yes, was very insistent about making this introduction. It was quite intense and direct and forceful, as though they didn't want me to miss out.

But that is how God works.

So I connect with this man and God only knows why lightening strikes. I notice right away he is every long held dream... Every spoken and unspoken desire. He possesses the keys to my hidden places... dungeons and secret gardens and high tower turrets. There is no resistance whatsoever. There is no fear. There is only a real desire to run to him and stay. There is no hesitation. There is no bullshit.

But this is how God works.

Every conversation is sensual and erotic... The most mundane of sharing heightens my arousal. It is physical and metaphysical and spiritual and physical and joyous. He is like no man I've ever known and yet he is the accumulation of every man I've ever known....all the good... only the good. Confidant and focused and determined and open to God's will. I admire a man that owns himself fully and unapologetic.

"You are so Fucking Beautiful" "You have a beautiful spirit" "Your smile brings brightness to my sky" he whispers. It's as if I waited centuries for these words. My exhale was so deep and so profound that I am sure new galaxies were formed on the strength of my breath out to the far heavens. It has been a long time coming.

But this is how God works.

My hands were outstretched and open. I did the work of letting go of things... Heavy things... Of things and people and places that added noting to my life excepts stress and uncertainty. He brings none of that. This is how to fall in love.

Building upon all the positives and in-common joys. He has mastered being himself and grateful. He prides himself on being a forever student and voracious reader and thinker. Oh a man that understands himself and his fears, is a man of great wealth. I do believe I am falling building in love.

I care not of time. It is not important of how long this love builds, I am in this moment and the moment is sweet.


Sunday, April 19, 2015

That's Your Bullshit... I don't Need Any Of It

Staying clear of other people's bullshit is now one of my keys to happiness.

People are creatures of habit. They deal with the same bullshit over and over and over again. If you pay attention to the folks who have drama in their lives you will see it's the same old bullshit that they have been doing forever. And if you are not careful or attentive to your own growth and freedom you will be caught up in their bullshit.

I used to feel compelled to get in there with folks and be all stressed over their shit. I thought I was being helpful and attentive. What I was doing was co-signing their foolishness. Giving support to their continued drama addiction. You see if you don't want bullshit in your life you have to quit ordering it. Simple. But folks are creatures of habit and some like the drama. So as I save myself I realize that all the drowning I was doing was because  I was staying in the deep end with folks who weren't interested in being saved.

I have no advice for folks staying committed to bullshit. They know what they are doing. They have made their choice to go the distance in mess and foolishness. I am no longer in that place. I like a drama free existence. I have made the hard choices to secure my freedom. There is no going back for me. And I will not be pulled back into bullshit I don't care who you are and what you mean to me. Now if you are ready to walk in truth and do the work for freedom, call me. But if you are about to tell me some shit about what you have suspected all along and yet you stayed in bullshit; just know I'll listen and won't have any advice for you. I don't have any answers for your life.

I am a freed woman. I have no drama in my life. NONE. I have removed people from my life who did nothing but create and nurture drama. I am happier than I have ever been. Aside from a few minor fiscal challenges, my life is damn good. I am nobody's fool, bitch, side piece or problem. I own myself out right. So whatever your deal is... Whatever your crazy is... That's your bullshit and I don't need any of it.

Do the work of freeing yourself if freedom is truly what you want. You can't change anybody but yourself. You can't make people be who they are not. You have to decide if you want to keep going back for more where there is only less.  So forgive me, if I do not wade in the water of your misery. I hear you. I am here for you. But baby I am not drowning with you and honestly hearing your story of being done wrong for the umpteenth time is not how I want to spend my short time on earth.


Sunday, April 12, 2015

This IS The Moment... I am In My Destiny

I am in the moment... I am at center stage. This is my life and I am the star. There is no getting ready for shit. This is the moment. This is the moment right now! All the things that I have wanted... Prayed for... Wished for. Are right here in my hands.

All this time I thought the success I wanted would be in the having of everything. Whoossh the curtain fell, the fog lifted, lovers fled, and there I stood naked and alone and it dawned on me. I am right where I am supposed to be and the success is right here too. Right here. I have slowly but surely orchestrated my success. The stars are indeed aligned and the truth of things are unfolding as I type. What the fuck does all this mean?

It means that my happiness isn't tied to people, places or things. Yes, I knew this, but now I live this. My desires are about attaining and maintaining peace and comfort. There is no drama anywhere in my life. None. I have removed it all. I have changed my mind about people and their shit. I have handled my business and saved my house from foreclosure. I am tackling real estate school. I am writing my memoir. I am writing a novel. As editor-in-chief of a Black newspaper, we are becoming relevant again under my watch. I am getting out and hanging out with people I absolutely adore. And I am going back to making health a priority again--- and that doesn't stress me. I have the opportunity and ability to try again and to keep trying until trying becomes the doing consistently like breathing. I am in a good place. This is my moment. This is success. I am walking in my destiny.

In this place of success there is no resting. Illumination can become darkness quickly if I don't stay diligent with safeguarding my success....Which really  means safeguarding my clear and open heart. I must continue to live and honor my definition of happiness. I am not afraid of anything, and all the people I have in my life this very moment are so good for me I can hardly stand it. I open my arms wide for more love, joy and happiness.





Monday, April 6, 2015

Can We Be Lovers & Not Have Sex?

I came across this piece "I want a life of a million lovers"  written by  over at elephantjournal

I was struck by how it gives shape and structure to feelings I have been wrestling with for a good while now. And since the break-up with The Potential Mr. Babz I have been looking at how I love and make love. Perhaps he and I should've remained friends with benefits... perhaps we should've just been friends... however we were never that ever. we were always lovers...always passionate lovers at that. I am walking through my love life and seeing where I am and what do I want. I have lived long enough to have a good idea of who I am. I've had a lot of great sex in my life and I want to continue to have great sex, but how? Clearly I don't want to go back down the relationship rabbit hole and be talked to death about my lack of communication skills. And I certainly don't want to hear how too busy I am for a serious relationship. And my one solid man-woman friendship with my BFF Ron thrives and succeeds. We've been friends for well over 25 years without ever having sex. Not once... not even flirting. So anyway, this piece stopped me in my tracks and called me to discern this for myself in my own life. I have sent it around to friends for their thoughts... I have had deep discussions with a few FB folks who are relationship gurus and dating experts. I don't know what I hope to find, or hear. I just know for whatever reasons I've not been good at finding someone who likes sex as much as I do who has their own life and interests and is not looking for me to be their mother, or bank, or baby-sitter, or therapist, or moral compass.

I am going to explore this a bit more over the next couple of weeks. It speaks to me and I want to know why.

I want a life of a million lovers.

I want to love you.
I want to love you if you are male or female, young or old, single or married…
When I see you we will embrace and hold a hug long enough to glimpse some insight from each other’s heartbeat.
When we walk down the street we shall link arms, pause frequently, and turn our toes and noses towards the other to speak directly without modesty.
I would like us to share the couch together, rather than creating a “do not cross” line where we may as well be sitting on brick blocks seated four feet away. Give me your knee, your foot, your thigh—let your body dangle on top of my body so I can know you the way litters of kittens know each other.
I want to show up to you and look into your eyes instead of at your eyes. I want to feel your hand and be consumed by it until the rest of the world ceases to exist. I want to be in your presence and be in want ofnothing.
I would like you to leave our time together feeling loved and free and full of your most vibrant and luscious hue of you-ness.
Please do not get confused: I do not want to have sex with you—whether you are male or female.
I have no sexual agenda, as you know, because we laugh at the freedom we feel to speak to strangers for reasons other than because we have to or because we’re hitting on them.
For me, sharing sex with someone requires a certain alignment, and I do not take that lightly. My sex requires that I can possibly foresee living with a person and combining all my stuff with all of their stuff (and I mean physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual stuff—the stuff that just feels heavy if it’s not the right fit, but feels buoyant beyond imagination when it is). It is delicate, it is careful, it is not presumptuous or impulsive.
And I do not think that our connection is somehow weakened because we do not share our bodies with each other.
For love is love is love is love, and that is what I want.
Now I realize that at some point, either you or I may change our minds and crave sexual expression with each other.
For I am human—as are you—and we have wants that change and grow.
But if that desire should spring upon one of us, I hope that we will talk about it, the way we talk about the universe, cultural tropes, the nature of depression, what makes a good cup of coffee, and how your day was yesterday.
I hope that that topic of conversation is no more avoided than talking about the latest episode of Doctor Who or how to effectively clean one’s mouth from Oreo breath.
I would like you to share yourself with me—every stitch of you—so that I may be warmed and nourished by your tapestry. And I would not like you to worry that some of your threading is inappropriate or uncomfortable to share with me, because I am only here to accept you exactly as you are and to take interest in the way you step through life.
So lay on me your doubts, your troubles, your faux pas, your suffering, your sadness. Lay on me your hopes, your dreams, your excitements, your curiosities, your guilty pleasures.
And while you tell me all of this and more, I would like to rest my eyes upon your eyes, and take my hand upon your back, and laugh up to the ceiling as you divulge, because it is in these moments of pure exposure that I bask in the ever-so-specific you, and I become the ever-so-specific me, and even though you’ve never stepped into the tides of the pacific and I’ve never ridden a skateboard, I am more sure than I’ve ever been that we are the same.
I don’t care if I see you everyday or if I see you only just the one time when I happened to be in that coffee shop and you happened to be making my drink (which was delicious, by the way, and thank you for not rolling your eyes when I asked if your only non-dairy milk was soy)—I want to be your lover.
And I will have the lover whom I share a bed with, and it will be none the less—on the contrary, that love will be all the more—because I take on another million lovers.
So if you’re ready, let me see you and let me love you.
My insides, my arm, my couch, my laugh, my eyes, my toes are all for you.
I hope that is enough.

Monday, March 30, 2015

My Lenten Journey 2015: The Week of Holiness

In my efforts to chase my dreams, holy week can easily slip by me. Racing from pillar to post leaves little time to sit and discern the fullness of holy week. I had delusions of constant praying and loads of time for meditation and contemplation. I had thought once this holy season was upon me that I would just settle in naturally and be at home with God.

Well, none of this is remotely true. As a matter of fact, I am not feeling holy in the way that I was hoping to feel holy. And truth be told, my prayer life sucks at the moment. I find myself rushing through my prayers... the very time I love. Oh and I won't even go into how I haven't even said prayers. See, this is all the guilt and the old me trying to creep in and unravel all the spiritual work.

Remembering Holy Week slows me down. It calls me to let go of the bustle and hustle of busyness. It calls me from a place of love, not of fear of God's displeasure. God has always been pleased and delighted by me. I know that and believe that. It is me and my rushing here and there that is the barrier. I dictate my schedule. I must remember that and act accordingly. I will what I want  (Thank you Misty Copeland). So my will is to be deliberate in my spiritual maturity. Remember why this is Holy Week and stand in reverence. Remember why it is Holy Week and believe there is good news coming.

I open myself up to this week of holiness. I embrace the greatest story ever told. I am resurrected each and every time I turn my face to God's face in prayer and in silence. The whispers in my heart guide me. The longing in my soul, direct me. Divinity rests with me.

Amen.


Friday, March 20, 2015

This Season of Lent 2015: If It Were Easy...

Yes, this shit is hard. Lent is not easy. It's not supposed to be easy. Christ had a sense that his time on earth was coming to a close. He could sense it. He lived knowing that shit could end any moment.
People's fear, greed, ignorance and power hunger got the better of them.

I've seen this kind of heightened desperation in my own life. I've had the experience of people wanting me to suffer more... Pay more. This has been my experience in failed love affairs, failed employment opportunities, failed friendships. When expectations run up against reality, someone is going to get hurt. and the someone who does get hurt will not suffer enough according to the other person who wants to see that kind of suffering.

"We all have our crosses to bear". I have heard this time and time again as a young person, but I had no real understanding or attachment or experience to what this meant. I do now in my 51 year old self. I have endured a great many crosses in my life. And truth be told I have lived the resurrection story... I have come back form the dead. I have stood in the grace of Good News!  The story continues... crosses remain. The difference is, we can lay burdens down. Prayer is the great equalizer. Grace is undeserved and has no limit or boundaries. We must grow in our spiritual selves. Lent calls us to the silence... the contemplative time... time of discernment. Time to wrestle with the difficult.

I know what is difficult for me. I know what I long for deeply. This Season of Lent has been unsettling, and inopportune on so many levels. I know I must be deliberate in seeking the silence... In listening to God speaking. It is supposed to be hard. It is supposed to be challenging. The sweetness of grace awaits at the end of struggle and surrender. Grace comes fourth when I let go of my bullshit and allow God to GPS.

I am wrestling with Lent this year... I am glad that I can. I am glad that God is BIG BIG BIG and can wrestle with me too.  If it were easy, there be no resurrection story... there be no good news. We would all be marginal... Living lesser stories and never experiencing the longing of more... More of God's attention....More of fuller lives of love and joy.

Lent opens up for me the opportunity to move the pain along. To endure...Contemplate...And forgive myself of the self imposed suffering.

Amen.