Sunday, July 24, 2016

Vacation

I move through daily constant pain. I just bear it. I just stand in it. I just deal with it.

The weight of things past, present and future. When can I come out of the rain? When can I just rest?

I want so much, that I think I am foolish in my inner desires. I am foolish in ways that make me ashamed. I am foolish still in ways that make me realize I haven't learned shit.

How am I living? Why am I living? These questions get answered and remain unanswered at the same time. There is a weariness that shows up to remind me that the struggle is very real.

Perhaps I am feeling some kind of way because in a few days I'm headed to Martha's Vineyard... Oak Bluff. It is there I am renewed and refreshed and rejuvenated.  The ancestors have direct access to me. I welcome their connection.

Time away is needed. I am prickly for a lot of reasons.

Listen, I'll be back on August 6th or around... In the meantime, read the archives... Good shit for sure! To the right of the screen. 




Friday, July 22, 2016

I Believe In...

I Believe:

In love everlasting; sex on rainy days; sex on Sundays; good wine; vegan artisan chocolates; fancy sexy panties; Church on Some Sundays; Jazz; Cassandra Wilson; red lace bras; high heels; flats; red lipstick; black lipstick; soft porn done well; live music; kink; natural hair; 100% Egyptian cotton sheets; silk pajamas; champagne everyday; beautifully grilled steak; cognac; roses; peonies; orchids; phone sex; spiritually rooted conversations; jazz gospel music; masturbation; silk scarves; incense; Angela Bofill; Fine table wear; vases; pitchers; sparkly picture frames; red glasses; down pillows; feather beds; Martha's Vineyard; Just about anywhere in the Caribbean; Peace of mind; love letters; Christmas, snow on occasion; Martha's Vineyard; Adoption of children; enduring friendships; Walks in truth; real men; solid brothers; Black Greek Women; DST; Men who love with abandon; Men who adore Black Women; Men who protect Black Women; Men who revere Black women; vegan ice cream; Black children; United Church of Christ; My dearest friends; Solid Black Men; Teachers of Color; Children of Color; Strong neighborhoods, long showers; long baths, vegan biscuits; real cocktails; Hebrew scripture; sacred Christian scripture; Bob Marley; Mozart; Paris; Prague; New Orleans; Earth Wind & Fire; Phyllis Hyman; hot days; love everlasting; Nikki Giovanni; HBCUs; William Spivey; Red sports cars; bright colored galoshes; red lipstick; good hot coffee; unsweetened ice tea; Books: More books; Still more books; poetry; Lots and lots of poetry; Binge TV watching; collard greens on Sundays; My daughters; my Sons; Robin Gwathney; Big Mike; Bob-O; peace on earth.

We are what we tell ourselves we are. We attract what we are. We believe what we experience

I am AMAZING. BEAUTIFUL. RESILLIENT. POWERFUL. LOVEABLE. COOL AS SHIT!


Photo: Karen King Photography
Makeup: Winter Carson, Madame Blush
Hair: Hair's Kay Salon and Sangster Barber & Salon




Monday, July 18, 2016

Hey Babz, You Need To Do Dating Differently

I have always viewed dating as an adventure waiting to unfold; that I would meet someone and we would click. I was excited to date and see what opportunities awaited me. I had no list or heavy criteria. I just wanted someone who was intellectual, and spiritually and emotionally strong in their own right and ready for a woman like me... Or if not on the same page, at least in the same book!

My Ex-husband Lawrence was a wonderful example of intellect, street smart, hip-hop and jazz. He truly was and is a student of the world. He was a faithful and abiding man. He had a faith in Islam that guided him. I admired that. He was not a cheater. I never worried or had cause to worry about him betraying our marriage vows. In that regard, I was blessed. I know so many men who have cheated or are cheaters. Men who have cut a path of heartache and family destruction that gives me pause. That was not my experience in my marriage. There were other problems that contributed to the demise of the marriage. But overall, we share a great many values. We were equal adventurers and learners and readers and art appreciators!

So, of course, I thought to get out there again, surely the Gods will smile upon me again! Then Jamal showed  up... With all the romantic dust dreams are made of. As it turned out... Jamal was not anything I would wish on anyone. It was a disaster. We are no longer friends. We were friends since we were 12 and 13 years old. A day-to-day loveship was a prescription for pain. What had such promise, turned into a nightmare. I moved on.

Dating now, I thought I had a clear understanding of what I was doing. It has been one bad date after another. So I'm conceding to the universe. I hear you! It is time to move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION... E.N.D.

My village and the universe of friends are wide and intimate. My friend Bill suggested I rethink my concept of dating. "You're a great communicator" start there. My soul mate Carlos said just be still and allow someone to show up for you. And My BFF Ron thinks I do too much. "You are enough," he says. "You are delightful and loving and kind and stunningly beautiful".  Just wait. Someone will show up. Someone, I bet totally unexpected.

I have decided to stop dating for the Summer. No more dates for the remaining Summer. Perhaps in the Fall, depending on how I feel.

This last date was tough and terrifying. He put his hands on me in a way to threaten and intimidate me. It did not work. I am still mad and feel acutely vulnerable. So this Summer, I chill. No dates. Just conversations... The richer the better.

I am a great communicator. I walk in truth. I do not lie. I used to be a liar and a manipulator. I am not that woman anymore...Haven't been that woman for more than a decade (the length of marriage). Marriage was my saving grace, the ctatlyst that showed me love was possible for me.

I am quite transparent as a love interest. We must be each other's savior and not assassin. That's what I am taking into the next loveship. So this summer no dating! Just Communicating!

 Let's see how this approach fares. I'll keep you posted.





photo: Karen King, Photographer
Makeup: Winter Carson, Madame Blush
Hair: Hair's Kay and Sangster Barber & Salon



Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Julia Fordham - Italy

 Can we move to Italy?


I will take a boat and meet you there
Can we move to Italy?
I will put fresh flowers in my hair

Can we move to Italy?
I have been traveling
With my face pressed against
The windscreen of my dusty car
Trying to be where you are

Can we move to Italy?
I will take a house and make it home
Can we move to Italy?
We can dance in Venice, kiss in Rome

Can we move to Italy?
Meet me by the church up high
On the hill, please say you will
Way above the shore below
Down in Portofino

I've got my ticket
And my purple rosary
I know my mission

I'm set for Italy
Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
Punch the air, kiss the ground
(Italy)
Dance in Venice, kiss in Rome
(Italy)
(Italy)
Take a little house, make it home

Can we move to Italy?
I will take a boat and meet you there
Can we move to Italy?
I will put fresh flowers in my hair
Can we move to Italy?

Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
(Italy, Italy)
Punch the air, kiss the ground
Dance in Venice, kiss in Rome

(Can we move to Italy?)
Take a little house, make it home
(Can we move?)
Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
(Italy)
Punch the air, kiss the ground
Dance in Venice, kiss in Rome

(Can we move to Italy?)
(Italy)
Take a little house, make it home
(Can we move?)

(Can we move to Italy?)
Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
Punch the air, kiss the ground

(Can we move to Italy?)
Dance in Venice, kiss in Rome
Take a little house, make it home
(Can we move to Italy?)
Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
Punch the air, kiss the ground

Songwriters
Fordham Julia
Published by
RYKOMUSIC, INC.


Monday, July 4, 2016

Defining and Owning My Sexy 2016

I did a Boudoir Shoot. A photo session where I am photographed in lingerie and, yes NAKED!

Why? Why would I do this? Isn't this just continuing to objectify women? Am I contributing to the objectification of women by willingly objectifying myself?

Maybe the answer is YES! Maybe the answer is NO!  All I know is that I wanted to capture the sensualness of this body right now. Not me 50 lbs from now in either direction. I wanted to see myself sexy, sensual and desirable. Yes, I needed to stand in front of a camera in lingeries and be SASSY FLIRTY POWERFUL and SEXY!

I am more confident than most. I am aware of the rape culture we exist in. I know how looks and appearances are used to promote us and break us. I just can't stand how I am always asked to ignore my sexualness, my sensualness in the face of weight, race, and age.

I am a beautiful woman. and I do not have a lot of time on earth to seek permission to be beautiful.

So, I happily decided to see myself Sexy. Beautiful and Desirable. Now! In this body. At this weight. At this age.

I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding.
I AM DONE HIDING.




Hair: 

Monday, June 27, 2016

Weight A Minute...

I was not a fat kid. As a matter of fact I didn't put on real weight until I was out of college for a few years. However, I was always bigger than my Sister Lo. When she wore a size 0, 1,3,8. I wore a 10, 12, 14.  My mother thought I was getting too fat... a size 10. I remember her saying I refuse to buy clothes for a fat girl. I believe she was trying to motivate me. It did not.

Size 14 was my best. I looked amazing. I was modeling for plus size departments in swanky department stores. Size 14 was PERFECT. I could wear any 14 and look fabulous. FABULOUS! My height and this slight roundness was heavenly. But here's the thing, I did not know that at that time. I did not fully grasp how amazing my body was. I dieted. I ballooned up to a size 18. Depression kicked in. Dieted some more. Size 22. More dieting Size 24.  I am comfortably a 20/22 now. And I'm not sure I am happy. I am trying to embrace this, while creating an eating lifestyle change... Code for yet another diet.

I am more confident than most. But man, I tell you, the images that come at me. The no-longer subliminal messages that scream YOU ARE FAT gnaws at me day in and day out.  This steady streaming of "I AM NOT ENOUGH YET"  "If Only I Were Thinner" There Is A Magic Diet Out There If I just Look Harder". On and on and on until I am exhausted with self-doubt, lack of self-worth and just all out hatred of myself.

There are many days where my weight is not an issue for me. I look fabulous, I have great clothes that fit and are stylish, hip and sometimes sexy. Why am I so twisted about weight? Maybe I think I'm not at my best. Maybe I think I could have more, be more without the weight of weight. But wait, isn't this a distraction for what ails me? Just more things to get at the heart of.

Over the years I've declared "My Last Year Being Fat" look to the right of this post and see the labels... I believe there are a few years running. It is not the source of my underlying unhappiness, it is just another thing showing up.

I gotta get to the root of this weight issue and why I am carrying so much. I must because it's showing up in my spotlight begging for my attention. I've done some work, though; I've linked my sexual abuse and exploitation to this weight. I've linked a whole host of other triggers to this weight. Now my mind and body have to turn toward losing this weight. That's the journey calling me now.

For no other reason than I must be about the business of saving my own life, this weight has to be let go of. And If I'm not interested in saving my own life, then what am I doing really?  Am I preparing to die? Weight a minute? Am, I moving toward my own death? Weighty issues indeed. Answers are needed. A shift in body imagery and acceptance is growing in popularity. Can I jump in the discussion and maybe learn something? Share something? The weight of and in my life is trying to get my attention. It's time to listen and allow this voice to rise up above all others.



Photo by the very talented photographer Karen King


Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Revisiting: What Do I Want Now?

I am always caught off guard when I am asked: "What Do You Want?" This question haunts me, torments me and propels me to finding the answers.

What do I want? Periodically I gotta ask this question... The answers have changed as I have changed throughout this big life. What I wanted as a teenager is quite laughable now... Oh, I wanted so little which seemed so much.

At each decade, the wants morphed into needs. And soon wants became fantasies and little luxuries of thoughts and daydreams. Somewhere along the way, I learned you can't have what you want. Settling shows up and became the new world order.

I am becoming acutely aware of the passing of time. I am solidly 53 years old. I do not believe I have another robust 53 years ahead of me. Perhaps 20 years if I'm extremely lucky. So this time right now has to count, be lived fully. This is what I know moving forward. I cannot squander my remaining days wanting and not having.

This is where it gets challenging. How do I do this in the midst of everything else I am juggling, handling, responsible for? I do believe this is the question facing many modern women. Trying to create an identity that is not tied to marriage, motherhood and work. I love being all these other things, but this is not about that. This is clearly about the stirrings of my heart and long-held dreams.

Is this transitioning again? I don't know, but I owe myself the opportunity to find out.

Oh, by the way, the blog is staying. The calls, emails, messaging was loud and clear. Thank you for those of you still reading my little slice of the world wide web.