Monday, April 3, 2017

My Lenten Journey: Hello from the bottom of the well and other places dark and stormy

For a few weeks I have been living from the bottom of the well. Dark and cold and way way down.

Being at the bottom of the well is not a new experience... I've been here before. Been there before. Maybe I am feeling some kind of way because Spring hasn't fully arrived. Or all the upheaval change going on in my life. Or the gaping aloneness that is crippling and I can't seem to remedy. I just know I am in the thick of it during this contemplative Lenten season. Although I must say I don't feel very contemplative. I feel very hollow. Very much adrift. Not a new feeling. I've been adrift before. Yup.

What I know to do, is just keep moving forward. Even in the pitch blackness of any day... I just move forward... Move through... Move.

I take that to mean that love is still the only true revolution...Of self and country. I possess a great capacity for love; it is stunning the depths of it. The height of it and breadth of it. And yet, I am a woman not in love... Well, if you don't count being in love with the world.

I've been at this life a long time now, I am not easily broken. I do however get very tired, and in that tiredness I lose sight of God's grace. God is at the bottom of the well with me. I know this now, as I have known this before. Wherever I am, so is God... Expansive and grand and deliberate. How can I forget this? Well, when you are free falling backwards down the well, God is not the first thought believe it or not. It's not just the bottom of the well. It's an empty king-sized bed, or attending galas unattached, or activities on your own all the time.  It is the end of a day and no one there to say hey, I did this... Or that...  It is the kind of aloneness that feels like a crushing punishment. And You are acutely aware of time running past you. It's knowing that "happily-ever-after" is not for you.

Hello from the bottom of the well and other places dark and stormy... Where is the light?

I know where the light is. The light is brightest in the faces of my friends who tend to me. It is the sound of laughter from my children unaware of my pain. It is the work I do on behalf of (insert cause and or organization). I have to keep lighting the candle myself. I am responsible for the light inside of me. I am responsible for my life on earth in God's care.

Standing in the bottom of the well, all I have to do is look up. Just look up.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Off The Lenten Path: God is Tired Of Me. I am Tired Of God.

For the better part of my life I have enjoyed and struggled with a strong God consciousness. I have never felt alone or away from God. In my life I have endured and come through some dark moments with my faith still intact. I could feel God's presence. Always.

Today, I am quitting God. This aloneness and desolation is more than I can stand. I believe God has grown tired of me. My prayers are mumblings of things no longer believed. There is a tiredness in my spirit and in my soul that plagues me. I am unrecognizable in my prayers. My voice is unrecognizable in my prayers. I have been standing on sinking ground for a very long time... For years. Grasping and grappling with God's grace. Trying to move forward in the face of loss and heartbreak. No, I do not wish that others ought to suffer in my stead. I accept my suffering... I have brought the bulk of it on myself. I do not ask why me? I do not ask why not me? I have come to accept the suffering as a part of the joy.

I have been lost before and have found my way. I have been sad many times before and have put my feet upon the path leading back to God. Not this time. This time I just want to be left alone.

I am quitting God for so many reasons that I wouldn't live long enough to say. I am quitting God mostly because, God is tired of me. I know this. I feel this.

My life is full of things I need to do to sustain my commitment of raising children and maintain employment. That is all there is. There is work and work.  Everything feels like a chore. Even the places of joy and happiness feel like chores. My breath feels like a chore. Even as I am sitting here grasping for the words to not feel so ungrateful for the life and the blessings I have enjoyed feels like a chore. Burdens that seem unending and relentless are suffocating my life.

I am screaming in my prayers. I am screaming in my conversations with people. I am screaming when I have to deal with one more avalanche of troubles. I am always screaming even when I am sitting and singing in church. I am screaming everytime I get on the scale. I am screaming every time I have to figure out what to do next. I am screaming nonstop and it is killing me.

I know I do not have the right to this kind of ungrateful purging. I feel ashamed with each letter I type. This is the truth I am standing in... Drowning in. I still marvel at the bigness of God. I am in awe of God in the big and small spaces everywhere I go. And I know my quitting God does not affect the sunrise or sunset anywhere in the world.

God is tired of me. I am tired of God.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

My Lenten Journey: I am the Big Space of God

I was struggling with whether or not I should even "do Lent" this year. My mood was such that I just didn't feel holy, or sacred or divine. The world just seems crazy and I seem crazy in it. My attitude was piss poor and I was feeling quite desolate. More than just tired and annoyed and grumpy. Truly desolate. Wondering if this was indeed my dark night of my soul. My minister read my last blog post and invited me to not miss last Sunday's sermon. So I didn't miss it. My mind got back "stayed on Jesus" But in the days after that I begin to feel my whole self in all spaces I was in.

I have been struggling with weight for a while now. Hate. Acceptance. Hate. Acceptance. Hate. Diet. New Diet. Yet another diet. I know better. But I got to thinking about my bigness. Not just in size, but in the scope of how I am in the world. I take up a lot of space...Physically and energetically. My presence is known whenever and wherever I show up anywhere. I am seen and heard.

So when I talk about weight and losing weight, maybe I am saying that I wish I wasn't so big in the world... My world. I wish I could go unnoticed. Quietly move about this life. And then it hit me. God did not design me for smallness. And he certainly hasn't called me to do small things. And that the space I take up, is the big space of God. So the madness about losing weight shifts into something other than wanting to be small. It becomes about being the best vessel to hold God and God's message.

This is the tone for my lenten journey. Explore the big space of God that I am. For the next 40 days I will look where I am big in spaces and celebrate that. To see where I am my most brightest and shine brighter, not dim down.  To notice where my laugh is the biggest and loudest and add more of that to my everyday practical life. To spend time with people who are big in their lives, in their thinking and in their positive contributions to each other and to the earth

I've played small. I've tried being small. I have been small. I have sought God in the smallest of smallest places for refuge and solace. Now I am seeking God in the big spaces. I am going to see where my big spaces are and stand in them and be with God. Be with God in the big spaces. I am indeed, the big space of God.


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Preparing For My Lenten Journey 2017...Do I even want to do Lent?

For the last decade or more, I have been "into" Lent. Embracing this holy time to reconnect to my own internal faith walk. Seeking silence and solitude. Welcoming this time of 40+ days and 40+ nights to get in with God.

This year, though, I am feeling disconnected from this holy season. I do not want to be the church, or go to church or be in church. I am weary. And I am tired of people. I am tired of prayers. I am tired of longing and discontent. This is not my dark night of the soul... This seems more petty and less deep. 

Or maybe it is my dark night of the soul and I need to claim it as such. It's not lost on me that I am feeling this unsettledness and sadness now. Lent is looming. I know it, because I am programmed for it. Something deep inside is seeking a new message in spite of my lamentations.

Do I have the courage to seek the new message? What am I hoping to hear? What am I hoping will be a new God is still speaking message for me?

Will I allow myself to go back through my faith journey and rediscover newness in the studies of spiritual direction?  Am I falling into a jaded sense of the world and my place in it? Am I suffering from "almost and not quite"?  And, God when will I stop being on the losing end of everything? Or so it feels like I am. Yes, I see. Contemplative time and time for discernment is beckoning.

Lent is coming. Am I doing Lent this year? Ash Wednesday is next week. I remain open to the spirit of God moving through in and throughout my being. In other words, we shall see.


Sunday, January 29, 2017

Dear Nina, I Am Sorry I didn't Learn This Sooner...

As evolved as I think I am... And I am. Past habits have a way of showing up. I find myself losing myself in someone's bullshit of a life and before I know it,  I am Superwoman holding up their hopes and dreams. Trying to make their shit align with my shit. What? Why? OMG!

Now to my credit, I have learned to see this mess in record time. When I sit through and walk myself through their behaviours, based on what I see and experience. I get to the truth rather quickly. I have long since given up talking myself into a alternate reality. Yes, an alternate reality... Code for LIES! All manner of lies!

I had to walk myself through some shit just recently. This time I could see myself clearly going down that path of holding up some muthafuckas sky. Mind you their ghosting behaviour wasn't enough... I had to go all the way in and get the dagger in my heart. Oh.  It's over now. I clearly see the light of day, all without wasting too much time. But still, thinking back it all seemed like unnecessary heartbreak.

I want to stay open and vulnerable. I don't want to suspect every potential suitor of being an asshole. Time always bears out who a person is. And honestly, who they are shows up rather early. It comes down to how ready and willing am I to believe what I see and experience?

Dear Nina, I am sorry I didn't learn this sooner... "You've got to learn to leave the table when love's no longer being served". I got it now. Lesson learned many times over.

Moving forward, I am done holding up the sky for some potential love interest. I am only going to respond to legitimate offers of invitations of spending time with me. I am only going to seriously entertain men who check for me first.  

My table is set. I am serving up love everyday. What I'm not going to do is act as though I've never been feed. I am not thirsty. And truly, I am an amazing partner for dinner, for conversation, for sports, for reading, for music, for love, for life.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

A Dead Of Winter Break... Being Revolutionary In My Own Life

It is time to explore radical self care. Be revolutionary in my own life. I cannot keep up this breakneck pace of work in the absence of real pleasures. What the fuck am I doing?

The bigger questions looms... Is this the life of my dreams? No! Then how do I get that life?

I am going to explore those questions and get some answers. Time is of the essence. 2016 and these early days in 2017 have shown me that this life ain't no dress rehearsal for the life I really want. If I want a different life, now is the time to make that leap... Get on that path.


1.  Turn off the competing noises... Leave social media alone for a bit.

2. Do more of the shit that makes me happiest

3. Read for pleasure only

4. Laugh and be in the company of laughing people

5. Be Vegan. Cook Vegan. Eat Clean.

6. Walk. Wander the world on foot.

7.  Write... Handwritten letters, notes and cards to friends and lovers far away.

8.  Enjoy the company of my women friends more

9. Make love... I have no idea how this is going to happen... I don't have a lover to speak of, nor is           there one on the horizon. I just figured I'd put it out into the universe and see. (well, will be more         intentional than wishing)

10. Rest. Rest more. Deep sleep. A real bed time. And naps.

11. Whatever else I discover on my way to my revolution.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2017: Intentional Like A Muthafucka

2017 Happy New Year! 

I have no intentions of rehashing 2016. It was what it was. We took some hits, we had a great many loses and we have an asshole, grifter, conman as the PEOTUS.

I am squarely focused on 2017.  I have two goals. Just two.

1. Health:  I resolve to respect that real wealth has at its foundation good health and well being.
This year my health has been fucked up. I have been sicker than I have ever been in a very long time. Not only that, I had to do a few months of physical therapy because I was experiencing chronic pain in my hips and upper thighs. I could barely walk. I cried a lot. It hurt a great deal. Maybe because of mild arthritis, maybe because of serious prescription drug interactions. Whatever the reasons, I learned that I have to get and be intentional about good health... Excellent health. There is no more room to bullshit, compromise and make excuses.

Every year I make some bullshit proclamation about health and what I am willing to do to get there.. I start off with great enthusiasm and before long, I have stopped. This year I saw first hand what poor health is like. I saw first hand what it feels like to be immobile. It took every ounce of sheer will not to get a cane. This cannot be my life, I cried. I've got to get beyond this setback. I realized that I have taken my health for granted. I thought I would always be well and healthy and mobile. The rudest of awakenings.

This weight has to go. I am not fat shaming myself or anyone else. I just cannot carry this weight into another year and expect to live long and prosperous. The plan will be to take all that I know and follow a plan of my making. I am not giving any more money to programs, trainers, potions, pills, equipment. I've learned a lot and I know there is no "magic" to weight loss, just common sense, consistency and commitment to what I want to be. Everyday I will be intentional about what I eat and how I move this body. Everyday there will be time set aside to move this body.

2. Wealth: I resolve to learn that money is a tool and as such, opens the doors to how I want to live.
If what I am doing is not fueling my bank account I am not doing it. If I cannot turn my so-called hobbies into income, I am letting it go. Wealth creation, wealth building, wealth sustainability is the only focus. Multiple streams of income. 2017 is all about breaking the poverty curse. I know exactly how I want to live. I am no longer interested in squandering money or time. Aligning myself with like-minded people is the new focus. I've had a lifetime of good times. I have tripped the light fantastic all over the world. What I have not done is secure my financial future. I must. I don't have another 50 years to get this right.

2017 calls me to immerse myself in business... Books, talks, workshops, webinars, and anything that raises my awareness about money and the power of money and investment.

This is the year that intentional thinking and acting take priority. Everything else is secondary. I am not saying I won't have a good time or hangout with friends... What I am saying is, there has to be real emphasis on not being fiscally broke all the time, like it's just the way it is. No. It isn't and I have to positioned to move in the direction of my fiscal dreams.

Two resolutions. Two goals. 2017. #BabzIsIntentionalLikeAMuthaFucka