When I was newly divorced it seemed like my whole world was dumped upside down on top of all the other mess I was dealing with, I thought my marriage was on solid ground. I couldn't believe it when I realized it wasn't. I didn't see divorce coming. Couldn't accept it. After it was finalized it took me about a year to not feel "still married" and another 2 years before I could actually date someone... be seen naked... enjoy sex. Eventually I did. It was hard and sad. So sad I started a support group for folks in various stages of divorce. Anyway, this ain't about that. (Oh my ex was married within a year of our divorce)
When I thought I was in love a few years ago with "The Potential Mr. Babz" it was a little different.... We'd break up... Reconnect... break up. He was like a bad habit. Seriously. I've always carried this fantasy that we were destined for each other. And in some respects we were. I was destined to learn some very valuable lessons that widened my spiritual path. I put up with a lot of bullshit and manipulation from him. I allowed him to dishonor my peace of mind. Then one day I had enough. I pushed him out of my house, out of my life and out of my heart. I blocked his calls, returned his letters and notes, and just went on about my life. Started dating and enjoying being out and about... well almost (That's a whole other story). The point is, I moved on from "him"
Yesterday "he" texted me from another number... This bullshit "I miss my friend... I've been praying for you since you were 14 years old, I have loved you always" Oh and he threw in some french words. Mutherfucker please.
I was not moved. My heart didn't do flips. My mind didn't wander to past intimate moments. I did not entertain any "what ifs" I AM FREE! He no longer has any influence or power over my heart and mind. The fantasy of us is in the ether. He is no longer my fantasy. He hasn't been for many years. I was fooling myself, trying to recreate what I thought I lost in my marriage. I was kidding myself making decisions based on being lonely. I wanted someone to want me. I wanted to prove that I was a good catch. And that's how I ended up spending 3 years of my life with that nut. He was never my friend. He was an emotional bully. He was fiscally and spiritually draining. He was never concerned about my well being, he brought me more stress and drama to my life than I have ever had in any relationship pre and post marriage. He was a reflection of my state of being.... A mess. I had no business trying to jump into "Happily Ever After" with him or anybody else for that matter at that time.
It's been about 2 1/2 years since his exit. I am FREE. Really FREE to invite in love that I am truly destined for. Yesterday was like the universe saying Gurl go get you some good love!
In spite of all the uncertainty in my life at the moment, no matter how lost I am, I remain always hopeful about the possibility of true love falling on me. I unequivocally cannot go back for more where there was only LESS! That guy was LESS!
Oh and yes that new number he texted from? BLOCKED!
I live with this acute awareness of pain... Hurt... Echoing of past, present and maybe future wounds.
From every direction I am overwhelmed with shit. I don't know how to get through any of it. I don't know what to do. I truly do not know what to do. I am weary of talking. I am wearing of lamenting what ails me. I am weary of my life.
Everything hurts. Everything brings its own sense of unhappiness, This is real drowning and fear and overwhelm. It's as if no one sees that I am drowning because I look like I am swimming. And maybe that's my fault. I've handled sadness and disappointment so well, that no one associates that with me... I've made the handling of my pain seamless.
This isn't a cross road, or a fork in the road. I am absolutely lost. And not only am I lost, I have no desire to fight for anything. Nothing. I am tired of everything and everyone. I am operating at the bare minimum.
It is said that things get worse before they are better... Maybe this is my worse into better moment. Maybe this my time to wrestle for my soul. Maybe this is desolation for me. I am just waiting for everything to crash down upon me. I can't seem to think my way clear of anything. I can't seem to behave my way through any of it. I feel like I am pretending all the time.
I am not without tools. I am not without resources. I am not without loving caring family and friends. I am better than most. What I am is tired. Weary. Disillusioned and ashamed that I am any of this.
Off to bed I go. Rest is prayer. A good night's sleep is prayer. Good music that moves the soul is prayer. Deliberate peaceful thoughts is prayer. Breathing is prayer.
I suck at dating. I mean I really suck. I keep showing up as my authentic self and nobody digs it.
I show up open and honest and that's not how it goes.... That not how any of this goes.
Date after date, I get the same Dear Babz, I like you BUT.... I am baffled. I am perplexed. I am 52! I am not 22, or 32 or 42! I can't play coy. I can't play stupid. I can't keep smiling and nodding and being dim. What the fuck! I have a life. I am doing shit. I have projects. Why is that a problem?
Last night a Brother told me: I think you are amazing... Pretty... No outright beautiful... You are smart... Witty and sexy as hell. But I can't be in your shadow. I'm being straight up honest. We could be friends though. Now mind you we've gone out, we've had long deep conversations. We flirted, we kissed (not the best kiss, but enough to work on it).
I said OK and hung up. And then I cried and cried. Now I know he did me a favor. I know he is full of shit. I know he doesn't deserve me. I know all the intellectual stuff. But still... It's like being the last kid picked for kickball.... and honestly I wasn't that kid ever.
So here's my list of why any guy shouldn't date me in no particular order of importance:
1. I like to kiss a lot
2. I have a big laugh that's deep and throaty and husky
3. I wake up happy and more than likely will want to have sex
4. I can cook... like a BOSS, Oh and I can pair wine with a meal with ease.
5. My musical tastes is off the chain... From old skool R&B to independent Hip-Hop
6. Jazz is my first LOVE
7. I am learning to speak FRENCH... have you ever had french words whispered in your ear while you are thrusting deeply?
8. I like to be alone... Without you.
9. I have solid friends who like to kick it with me and will read your ass if you try to interrupt our flow
10. I have kids who require my full attention
11. I will often speak in movie dialogue... The Godfather, Good Fellas, Friday, Friday after Next, Oh the list is long and varied
12. I am not always going to be GLAMMED UP... meaning I am more apt to be in a big t-shirt and granny panties than thongs, and garters
13. I love football...Get me a beer and be quiet.
14. When I'm working, I'm working
15. I like to shop alone.
16. Have your own hobbies... I'm not your entertainment
17. I read a lot. If you don't then know you are about to be kicked to the curb
18. I'm not checking your cellphone, your email, or social media accounts
19. I don't do baby-mama drama, ex-wife drama, drama of any sort.
20. When we are out don't take it personal if I don't introduce you... It is purely about me not remembering other people... Introduce yourself and be OK if I leave you alone.
Here's my new thing.... I am giving up dating. I am taking down all my dating profiles, I am telling all my dear friends to stop looking on my behalf. I am DONE!
It's not worth it to me anymore. I am tired. I am disilussioned and weary. So, I'm out the game! That's it. That's it. I live a full life already. My attention is required on other matters. This can't be a focus anymore.
It's time for a break. I am too EXTRA. And by extra, I mean TIRED.
I know how loaded October (Both parents birthdays, Mothers death anniversary, My wedding anniversary, adoption anniversary, prison time served, award received) is for me. I thought I could just press on. But I am tired of pressing on.
I am tired. Battle fatigued. And unbelievably lonely.
This was my Facebook post... It wrote itself...
We have to make room for fragility. We cannot be strong all the time. And We cannot put that limitless expectation on ourselves. I have to be allowed to fall to the ground sobbing. I have to be allowed to wallow in the deep end of pain, I have to allow myself permission to surrender to the truth of how bad I hurt. And how lonely I am. I am tired of being the beggar of peace and joy and connection. #BabzMatters
I need some quiet time, otherwise I am going to die.
I can't seem to get out from under things. I seem to keep going around and around. The same struggles. Always the same struggles. What the fuck am I doing wrong? What lesson(s) am I not getting, because I swear, I've been in this place before. I know enough that the lesson is repeated until it's learned.
There is so much good happening and yet I seem to be getting farther and farther away from the things I want... The life I want. How is this possible? Is this failure? Am I failing in my life? It feels like it. I can't seem to stop crying. The aloneness is deafening.
How do I take care of me? I used to know. But now I am just drowning and drifting further away from the things that sustained and nurtured me.
Time to take better care of me. Tune out and turn off the noise. I don't know what I can do about the loneliness... But I certainly can rejuvenate, rest and reconnect back to myself. Yes, that is needed.
I am in a pivotal moment in my life. There is so much going on. Some old haunts and new blessings. I have more tools in my tool box to handle my life than at any point in my life. New people have entered. Some old folks have departed. This is the ebb and flow of my life. Epiphanies abound. God is still speaking and the view from here is vast and lovely.
What do I want? Is that the question? Should I reexamine what I want? There is a steadiness I crave that I want along side the adventure. Does that make sense? Here's another question... Am I being realistic? And am I asking for too much? Why the fuck am I even questioning asking for too much? Ahhh, the invasive unworthiness devil rears its ugly head. And when I say asking for too much, this spans across my life and all the dreams of who I want to be moving forward.
Perhaps I should be glad to have the wherewithal to reexamine the questions I answered long ago. Things have changed. I am different than say even last year. Reexamining the questions of who am I and what do I want has become my touch stone and ongoing dialogue of asking and seeking answers; my check in point. I am coming to understand that this is where I get to defeat the whispers of unworthiness. This is where I stay in emotional shape. By simply asking what do I want? And by asking, I am allowing the truth to emerge. I am all about the truth in whatever that may be or turns into or shows up as.
I have fully embraced the need for clarity, especially in matters of my heart. I am not guessing or supposing anything. I am clear. In that clarity, unworthiness can show up and undue the desires if I am not paying attention to my own heart and mind. Stillness and the need for deliberated practiced stillness restores me back to standing in my truth. I am worthy of every damn thing I want. I am worthy of every long held wish, dream, desire, and fantasy. For me, the key is holding onto this knowledge and allowing it to be nurtured in my soul. Yes. I am worthy with every breath I take.