Wednesday, October 15, 2014

This Is The Guiding Force Of My Life...

I can't tell you how I have decided to move on. I just do. I can't put into clarifying words how I picked myself up over and over and over again. I can't begin to explain how I stopped my self from suicide. Wretched myself back from crippling despair. Oh, I live knowing deeply that I benefit from undeserved grace.

I could lay before the world my life... filled with all kinds of twists and turns. Great highs and gutter lows. Crippling defeats and humiliating moments that seemed to last an eternity. I've known unimaginable pleasure in the arms of men I couldn't pick out of a line-up tomorrow. I've enjoyed the love of good men that seemed all too fleeting. I've danced around the world and sang every song there is to sing. I am still standing, thirsty for more. This life oh this life. I can feel the sands of time running through my fingers and I want to race on. I want more and more.  I am overwhelmed with my redefinition of more. I simply mean peace, more quiet time, finding  joy in the the smallest of things like my breath and the breath of my children. My desires for pleasure are still burning brightly and the wanting of a lover lingers at the front of my daydreams... And the passions of my youth are not the passion of my middle age (at least not all of them). I still have the taste of adventure on my tongue... I am at home in the world all the time. I do not seek solitude in the woods away from the world, I simply want to be at peace in the midst of the hustle and bustle and chaos. I am growing into my life.

I know how many times I turned away from God. I can tell you how forever God has been with me. I have been ungrateful in my loving and in my being loved.  I don't know love at all. I am ripe to learn and learn and learn. Thank God for my children and my siblings... my first introductions to long standing love affair.

I am guided by the desire of a continuous arrival each step of this journey... my life unfolds each day and each day I am in awe of what I can feel and sense and be and do. I've stripped away so much bullshit that I barely recognize the woman I used to be. There is so much more to excavate... to get underneath.

This is the guiding Life Force Of My Life... to go about the world as seeker and lover. Enigmatic, mysterious, impetuous, curious, charming, joyful, I cop to it all...every label I own. I embrace the paradox of my being. It brings me closer to God. Truth be told... I have never been afraid of anything. I am woman for what's ahead. I live in the right now with an open invitation to what's ahead.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Grace Isn't Getting What You Want....There's More My Dears

I thought once I saved this house I would be happy. I thought once I got married I would be happy. I thought once I started a family I would be happy.  I thought once I earned all these degrees I would be happy. I thought once I got out of prison and all this was behind me I would be happy.

I have come to painfully realize that happiness is not predicated on having shit. Happiness is a state of being that you decide upon right now. Not when shit goes right. You gotta be happy when shit goes wrong. And therein lies the gift. To stand in the state of grace and joy even as the ground beneath you is caving in.

You see, I thought that once I ticked shit off my list, that was the direct road to happiness.

I was a bit lost when I had accomplished what I set out to do and discovered I was still afraid, fearful and unable to move the fuck forward. Unhappy. this is not about whining... I thought I was whining when I spoke out loud my pain. My loneliness. I was not whining. I was trying to find higher ground. I was drowning in my life. A life ripe with unresolved shit... hurts... done-wrongs... and just plan old poor ass decisions of people I let in my heart, my bed, my life.

The torment came when I started the dance of 'Know-better" Oh I knew better, but I wanted what I wanted and so mess quickly ensued... like clockwork.

Today is different... reflective.  I am seeing.

If happiness lies solely in having shit... things.. anything... then what happens when it's all taken away? I've had it all taken away. And when I picked my ass up off the ground and dried my eyes, there were things I was still quite happy about.... my children... my siblings... my real and enduring friends... Happiness is within. Sure a nice set of bone china, or crystal goblets or diamond rings, a fine piece of artwork.... It all makes me happy. But true, longstanding, authentic happiness is the gift from within. The inner knowing that things are not the sole source of joy or happiness.

This was my divine lesson the last couple of days... wrapped in good news. You see when things are wrapped in good news we think that's the blessing... the only blessing. No my dears.. that is only part of it...a very small part of it. Grace isn't getting what you want. Grace is understanding and truly knowing that your joy springs from within, regardless of circumstances or issues or dilemmas or troubles. I am not my worst moments. Funny how true that rings when I step outside of my ill ease and turn my attention to my blessing rather than my lacks. Do you see the gifts?... I do. I do indeed.

I get it. Truly.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Happy Un-Anniversary 2007

I thought this was worth re-posting. I have indeed moved on and I am not looking back. I am in a good place. Tomorrow is October 1, 2014. I find October to be a time of magic for me. Tomorrow I usher in a renewed sense of energy. I am in a good place, but I am also complacent. I gotta push myself beyond my comfort zone. I gotta amp up my drive. All the signs are there.  My heart is yearning for something more.  I am tired of wishing for things to be different. It's time to sprint!

So as I take this Fall as my jump off time... my resolution time... I am standing in a kind of grace I thought would be a longer time coming if ever.  I've conquered much, cleared a path and now I gotta haul ass to the life I've been dreaming about.

Happy Un-Anniversary!

Babz is on the come-up ya'll! 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Contrition, you Move Forward. It's Over.

There is no going back.  There is no need to remember what now dwells in the past.  I live and thrive in the here and now. Trying to drag myself back to a time of great drama, uncertainty and pain is outrageous.  What is the point of that?

Five years ago I went off to prison.  So what. It is not an anniversary that needs celebrating.  I don't have the same need to remember high school graduation, college graduation, graduate school graduation, the adoption dates of my children.  I don't remember my divorce date.  But I am quick to drag myself back to October 2007.  As if I am not punished enough.  I am acting as if I am not sorry enough.  I am acting as though I could be more sorry if I tried.  I am acting like I must bring it to everyone's attention lest they forget...lest I forget and they have to remind me.  But nobody's reminding me.  I am doing that.

I am letting this go.  Today is true liberation day.  It is behind me. 

"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no.  Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh.  All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right.  Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated.  Guilt is a trap.  People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing.  Contrition, you move forward.  It's over.  You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken from the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.

Monday, September 22, 2014

I Am Quitting Doing "Extra"

For as long as I can remember Fall has been a time for all kinds of new beginning, transitions and pure magic happens for me and to me. As much as I loved this Summer, I can feel the shift of energy toward the wideness of Fall. A chill in the air... the subtle change in colors from light bright to rich and bold and deep. I feel it in my bones the changing of the season. Oh I am transitioning again.

The last several weeks has dragged me back to re-exam my current state of being. It's truth telling time...  and I have decided to take on intimate relationship life. I have to dig in and look at what I am doing.

Historically, when I have gotten involved with someone I do too much.  I go all out... I buy shit.. I try to impress... I woo. I try to convince them that I am the one they should want. I become a woman on a mission. I did not it see this way. I looked at as being a modern independent woman.  a woman who had no problem asking a man. Making the first move. I did it all so that the man of desire wouldn't have to work hard.  I was already available. Add in alcohol and you got an intense, unauthentic woman with no real purpose or direction.

I shut it all down. I quit looking and being available to men. I stopped. Dropped out. I started the beginnings of what would become my spiritual walk and internal cleansing.

I got married and that changed me a great deal. It lasted 13 years.

I had stopped drinking. I learned about partnership and communicating and sharing.  I blossomed and grew to be content... with a bit of longing for something more and not fully understanding what the something more was.  When the marriage ended I was armed with a better sense of myself. A kind of maturity that resonated from the inside. My heart was broken, but I was stronger than I have ever been in my life. For several years I deeply and fully immersed myself in my spiritual growth, my emotional and my physical growth. I started this blog in the midst of a tough personal nightmare and odyssey. I was becoming the me of my dreams. Dating just seemed right. I lonely. I thought I was ready to be open and inviting to a potential lover. Ugh.

So here I am dropping out of the dating pool once again. I found myself becoming too available to men... doing too much... aggressive.. and too inviting and accommodating. I see old habits and patterns showing up and that's not what I want for myself. I gotta quit trying to convince men to want me and allow a man to come for me on his own volition.

As I was doing "extra" it never occurred to me to stop. I didn't allow a man to work for my attention. Woo Me. Did I think a man wouldn't do that for me... come for me?... scale the castle walls for me? I must have thought that. I must believe this in my spirit. Deep down there is a belief that I have to prove my love worthiness... lest he not see it.  This is the heart of the matter... the truth.

If I didn't do the "extra"... go above and beyond, I might get passed over. Not seen as love worthy.

Damn. heavy to stand in this truth. To say to myself that I tried and did buy the affections of taking care of their needs way before I even considered mine. And it didn't matter what the need was... I rose to the occasion and met them.

So what I am going to do moving forward is be still. If someone asks me out for a date, I will weigh it and give it consideration.  I am going to spend my time NOT convincing anyone that I am love worthy. I am not asking anyone out. I am not enticing anyone to come for me or to me... NOPE that's over and I am going to be deliberate in paying attention to my behavior.  There is no convincing in love. I do not need to convince anyone that I am love worthy.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Back. Intact. Whole.

I am stronger. I needed to be silent and take it all in. Really take it all in.

I appreciate my SISTERHOOD... healing words are indeed like a balm in Gilead. I appreciate and I am grateful for the Brothers... The Bruhs who sent me private emails to comfort my broken spirit. You will never know how uplifting that was for me.

This I know for sure, online dating is not for me. I have taken down all my profiles. I am too vulnerable, too open and too whimsical. I have come too far to tumble backwards into despair. It was a powerful lesson. Stunning and painful. Life changing and I suspect on many levels necessary.


I'm back and intact. Whole. Fearless. And ready to keep moving on. Truly.