Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Go Bold Or Go Home

I feel bold. I like feeling bold. I can no longer live the lesser story, nor can I let anyone try to force me to the lesser story of my life.

Bold. Going beyond my comfort level... which is for me code for lazy.  I don't want comfortable if it means I settle, I don't try. I am not trying to reach some elusive notion of success. I want to do what I want to do because I want to do them. I want to push myself to my highest self.

I want to be in love and stay in love all the time. I want to laugh and drink wine and enjoy good food.  I want to support causes that speak to my heart and soul. I want to be surrounded by fresh cut flowers. I am tired of being afraid.

I am chasing a bold life, because I am running out of time and living in fear of anything saps the life out of me.

No one gets to hold me hostage with their mess. I can't carry extra baggage of any kind. Come to me with a willingness to unpack or keep moving on. Come to me willing to travel light or keep on moving. I don't have a map, just God's call on my life and the stars and the moon to guide me.

This boldness is not new. Dormant. Hidden. Tucked away. And throw in some shame for good measure....shame is at the heart of not living a bold life.  Who are you to live so boldly? I mean you gotta hang your head and wear sack cloth and never smile or taste the sweetness of joy again. That's the weight of shame. I prefer the boldness of the day. I prefer to laugh out loud and smile and love love love deeply.

Loving deeply is the foundation for a bold life. To touch in love is the real revolution.  To go beyond my fears and reach out with open arms and open heart, naked and unashamed is my personal journey.

A bold life I seek. A bold life I shall live. Go bold or go home.  And if you go home, you can always try again. Life is all about chances. Today I'm taking a chance on going bold. I'm not talking crazy or throwing caution to the wind. It is for me declaring love every moment. And letting declarations of love find me... wrap around me.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

In Between. Part 2.

It's not about standing in the gap waiting. In Between meant the quiet space of here and there....a place to hide. I used to think in between was lost space and time... waiting, always waiting for something to happen.

The In Between has just become for me a real opportunity for a kind of preparation... a catching of my breath as my dreams come into focus. It is that grace time to breathe in and breathe out. Letting go of loss and preparing to receive new gifts.  And oh those gifts are so grand... even in their simplicity.

The In Between used to mean licking my wounds and muddling through despair until the sun shined again. It used to mean curling up deeper under my covers awaiting another day of dreariness. I just didn't know how to undue the blues and so I just accepted the time and space. Wishing and hoping that it would quickly pass and I could start again.

Now, I am choosing complete honesty... that's the road. Truth... walking in truth as I know it to be. I am not talking truth telling to or for other people.  It is truth telling to me myself...asking real questions and answering with a real sense of fully knowing what I want for my life.

I'm standing in the fork in the road. I can see where I have tried to answer my life without discovering the questions first. I wanted answers that encompassed all the needs of everything and everyone I am responsible for, but I never really asked myself what I truly want... I always thought that what was needed was what I wanted. And what was needed always came, but what I wanted was deemed frivolous and to focus on my wants was a fool's misstep because everybody knows needs are more important than wants.

And yet I wanted. I want so very much. What I want chases me in my daydreams and in my sleep... the late nights are filled with fantasies and dreams. How can I shoo-shoo those away? I did. I was wrong. As I find myself  discovering this new definition of In Between, I am drawn to a different road. Yes indeed Zora, some years ask questions and some years answer...  I do believe this year I am doing both.



Sunday, August 17, 2014

In Between. Part 1

Lately my dreams have been about lovers of the past and lovers of the future. Neither which are rooted in the here and now.

The other day as I was sitting and listening to my ex-husband invite me to a party with him and his current wife (who I like very much) It all felt surreal... like I'm in some hellish Woody Allen movie where everyone is talking and talking and talking and I am shrinking and shrinking and shrinking.

I acknowledge my loneliness. I neither run from it or wallow in it.  It is a current fact... my current situation.  I am accustomed to it.  I just spent three-plus years in a go-nowhere relationship that made me feel like I was trapped on a deserted island.

The peacefulness of being alone (alone as in not in a sexual relationship) is lovely. The moments where sadness washes over me, I let it and I daydream and I move on. I am done trying to force myself into anything. Being alone is not a curse or crime... it is a state of being. I am realizing that the focus isn't so much what I don't have, but taking inventory of what I do have by way of interests and freedom to do and go as I like.  Running over the past situations have been illuminating... I clearly see where I just wanted more than what was there to have.

Someone will come and fight for me. Someone will think the sun rises and sets on my smile. Someone will come with their financial life in good shape. Someone will come thinking that all these curves lead to profound ecstasy! And that to change anything at all would be blasphemous and abomination to God... unless I want to change something by my own desire and the one that seeks me becomes my greatest and loudest cheer leader.

I've been seeking and preparing all wrong... even with a Love List revisited in hand. I don't mind wrestling with this yet again. And I don't mind falling down as long as I get back up. So down the rabbit hole I've gone seeking, looking, hoping. It's OK. I've learned so much... truly.

So I think now the lesson moving forward will be from a different level. I get this "going back for more where there is only less." foolishness. I don't need another refresher... another soul breaking lesson.

The dreams, I suspect are telling me I am in between. Yes, in between in a great many areas of my life. How odd? How profound. So the call is now to pick a road and go down it.

A call to explore the In between. yes. I think that is the thing to do.






Sunday, August 10, 2014

Inkwell Epiphanies: Martha's Vineyard Expanded My Groove

A week on Martha's Vineyard... Oak Bluffs aka the The Inkwell was nothing short of miraculous. No burning bushes, or water into wine feats.  Just the ocean, beach, solid women-sister friends, my oldest daughter and lots and lots of champagne.

Sitting on the porch of our beach house I realized while gazing at the ocean... I was fluid, and could just ride the waves of sexual energy.  And just like that, I settled in and enjoyed this heightened sense of awareness. It started with allowing my sexual energy to just be. I just decided to enjoy that part of myself without having to do anything to soothe it, or stamp it out. I just let it engulf me and carry me.  What I found amazing was how more womanly I felt. I was conscious of all my movements from sitting to walking to dancing to the way I held a champagne flute. It was all sooooo sexual and erotic. I stayed in a state of arousal.  I am still there.

This is the state of being I want to be in... this heightened awareness of myself. It is about sex, but it isn't about sex.  I used to think that being horny was something you needed to solve... handle...deal with.  I believed that in order to resolve the horny-ness that I needed to have sex. This time, I just allowed the feelings to go further and I let my mind follow the feelings... I led with the feelings and not my mind. The mind will work out ways in which to just have sex.... but following the flow of my feelings helped to realize that having sex for the sake of the orgasm isn't the only ecstasy.

Now don't get it twisted... I want to have sex. A lot. A lot of sex. Now. Today, tomorrow and everyday thereafter, however the reality is, I can't at the moment. 1)I don't know anyone; 2)I'm not interested in casual one-night stand sex with a stranger, 3)I want love and sex to be in one package.

Horny-ness is becoming less and less about getting laid, and more about connecting to my body and my spiritual self. Erotic is the spiritual. Erotic is a higher level of being and connecting and experiencing my body and my world. I like this thinking, it takes the frenzy out of wanting to have sex.  The wanting can be a bit crazy and cause you to go back for more where there was only less.  For example hooking up with people you have left or broken ties with and finding yourself calling them, or conjuring them up for sex... trying to turn mess into bliss.  It didn't work then and it certainly won't work now. This is where I've been stuck, trying to rewrite history and failing miserably and painfully. Connecting to people from memory and past... I am not her... that woman that knew you then.  That's my deal to correct, not his.  I am done trying to see where and with whom I can have sex with... that's thirsty. I'm not thirsty anymore... or at least I am not drinking from the well of been-there-done-that.  I've decided to allow myself space to dwell in the sexual energy that I possess... That is divine.

Martha's Vineyard gave me the opportunity to explore myself without the interruptions of my everyday practical life. I wasn't on the mommy clock, I wasn't on the work clock, or any other clock.  It was about rest, relaxation and rejuvenation. A space opened up and I stepped into it with great delight and wonder. Martha's Vineyard expanded my groove and Yes! It feels good!


Photo: Me, Oaks Bluff, Martha's Vineyard, Summer 2014 #Inkwell2014





Sunday, July 27, 2014

Changing My S.O.S.

I live with a lot of stress and anxiety. I always have. I have learned over the years of my life  to manage and to carve out pockets of happiness and joy and love.

I am better now than I have ever been, but the shadows are always lurking.  I have to push myself beyond my comfort zones around intimacy and friendships. I never think about trusting people or not trusting people.I just don't dive in too deeply. I am a creature of time. The longer I know you the more I grow to trust you. If I get a sense that you are full of shit, I start backing away. I never come to people with a fakeness. I am who I am. I can be a bit much to take. Plus I like my solitude. And I don't like too many group things.

If it were not for my children and siblings, I would not know love fully. It takes everything I have to hold them and hug them and kiss them and check on them and be there emotionally for them. This is not a natural state of being for me. My emotional measures are dulled. I push for them because their need supersedes my fears. They mean more to me than my own self.

In my ever fantastic quest for a loveship... I keep hoping that my soul mate will show up and be of support on the journey ahead.  All I seem to meet are takers and users.  Perhaps that is the SOS I am putting out into the universe: I AM PREPARED TO PAY FOR YOUR COMPANY BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE.  This is the truth as I know it and experienced it.

There is a part of me, that wants someone to show up with their readiness to put me first. I've gotta change my S.O.S. because I believe what's coming back to me is a reflection of what I am putting out there. I know the red flags and I must acknowledge them.  Not, oh, I can overlook them because this person's other qualities makes up for them in other areas. Nope. Red flags are warnings for all areas!  The real talk is not accepting the red flags as cautions, but to see them as warnings and move on. There is no running the risk of missing out.  If I am sane and showing up as an adult, then I can require that in another person. Too many excuses as to why their life is the way it is, is not a bargaining tool. If they come with an unmanaged life, they are bringing that mess to me.

I see where I played to my lesser story in trying to fit someone into my life. If they can't get behind my dreams and aspirations... And they have no real concrete ones of their own.  That is a problem.  If people want to be in my life they act accordingly. They don't bully me, they don't whine, they don't act passive aggressive and they don't wear me down with their financial bullshit.

I am changing my S.O.S. It can't be one of desperation...I am not thirsty or drowning.  It can't be,  be with me by any means... I am not funding anyone's lifestyle.  What it must be is a call out to strength, kindness, affection, honesty, fidelity and truth. I must reflect these things boldly. I must quit making excuses for why my positives are not shining out and all the negatives keep showing up.  This is my internal and external work. I see what I am doing. I radiate out, but I pull in mess because I am not willing to throw back the mess and wait for the good stuff.  There is good stuff to be had! I gotta quit tangling my net with the mess!

I do not believe all the good ones are gone. I do not believe that my expectations are too high.

Off to live my greater bigger story!












Sunday, July 20, 2014

I Am Hiring Me. I Am My Own Client.

I was on the phone yesterday coaching someone about next steps forward for a project they are passionate about.  I heard myself doling out profoundly good suggestions and inviting the person I was speaking with to try this, that and the other thing... very concrete and specific things. And then it hit me! I AM GOOD AT GIVING GREAT SUGGESTIONS, PLANNING AND FOCUS! I NEED TO HIRE ME! Ha ha ha!

All this time I thought I needed something outside of what I already possessed to move my dreams from hobby to financial freedom.  I have skills and talents that are readily available to ME! I must treat myself like the client and map out my plans accordingly. All this hand-wrangling as if I was fumbling in the dark. I could hear myself rattling off suggestions for a plan for someone else that really are everything I need to do for myself. It was as if I was just talking out loud to myself.

So from this moment on I am the client.  I am coaching myself to health, wealth and happiness. I can certainly capable to coach myself into launching my dreams and moving toward financial freedom. I can coach myself into a FIT me! I can be my own match-maker and find and nurture the love of my life. All this time I was wandering in the woods not fully trusting my own skills. I really thought that someone else had the answers for how to do my life.  I blogged before that you can read all the self-help-spiritual-innerwork books, dvds, webinars forever, but at some point you gotta DARE GREATLY and move into the world with all that you know.  I know this, but in the busyness of life, I found my busyness overshadowed my inner call to action. This is my truth.  I got lost in the busyness of my life... raising kids... trying to rescue my house from foreclosure, paying down a mountain of bills, home repairs, community work, job, and then tending to my dreams. and so much more. Ugh. Sigh.Whatever.

Today, I am hiring me.  I am my own client. That's how I gotta roll. My life requires my full attention.  There is no something other than me outside of me.  It's me and God.  As it has always been; even when I sought solace and help and peace and love and passion in strange places with strangers. I see those missteps as gifts. Truly. 

OK, time to go meet with my client. We got a lot of work to do. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.



Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Strength To Write: A Confession of Sorts

Today I ran into someone I admire a great deal. He looked me in the eyes and said I love reading you in the paper... The Inner-City News. You are very talented. I have heard this all of my life. You are such a talented writer. You have a way with words, when are you going to publish. I read your blog religiously. I'm waiting for the book! I mean years of hearing this. I've written countless poems for weddings and birthdays and other celebrations. I framed my poems and given them as gifts from my heart. I commented on sites.... expressing my opinions on matters of the heart, politics, sports, food, wine, sex, raising children, everything! And yet I have not owned my writing ability. I happily and readily celebrate writers. I am in awe of people who can weave a tale of mystery and love and trial and redemption.  I follow writers and I read their blogs and I applaud their courage. Authors are sacred. Words are sacred.

The truth is, I don't feel I have a grasp of grammar in the way that I think most writers have. I am not sure of syntax, sentence structure and oxford commas. I am afraid that what I write will be embarrassing. This is my real fear you see. That I would be found to be dumb. So I don't call myself a writer. I don't feel worthy.

This fear was so deep in me that I never thought I would take it on. I just told myself this lie for so long that it really has become a truth. However today, I realized that I am whatever I tell myself I am. Like in all things transitioning in my big beautiful life, I am so much more than my fears. I know this in other areas of my life, but writing was so personal, so intimate that to take it apart and look at it was scary and painful. No deep analysis, I see the fear. I recognize the fear. I call it what it is and then I release it.

This fear is kicked to the curb. I get to tell a different story. I am a writer. It's what I do. My life is the page, my living is the pen. I am courageous. Writing is my sword, my light saber, my wand, my savior and salvation. No further gnashing of the teeth is necessary.

I am a writer.