Tuesday, November 29, 2016

NaBloWriMo Day 29 Advent : Season of Wishing and Waiting

I believe in Santa Claus! I love Christmas! I love the story of the birth of Jesus!

I revel in the lights on trees and candles in the windows. Sleigh bells and Angels on high! I love luminaries lining sidewalks and sparkly ornaments everywhere!

It is the season of Wishing and Waiting... Advent. The Rush Rush Rush of the season and the hush hush hush of all things not in tune with good cheer. Peace on earth. Glad tidings.

It is the the time of the year that my wishing takes center stage. The biggest of biggest dreams and wants are allowed expression. Merry Christmas! I want everything! I want every good thing.  I can feel the waiting and anticipation of the child who comes to save and care and restore our faith in God and in each other. Love is so prevalent and so patient and so giving. I feel like Mother Mary. I feel like those three Wise men traveling by the light of the moon and that North Star.

I am my most hopeful and most reverential at Advent. All things are possible in this season of light and anticipation. I know a lot of folks have a very difficult time with this time of year... Seasonal change... Darker days earlier.... And too much jolly ho ho. My heart aches for them and I try to be mindful about my good cheer heaped upon them. I am not in the convincing business. I've learned not to try to talk folks into merry merry happy happy. What I can do is allow my light to be available should someone need it.

I know what it's like to be alone and in darkness... At the bottom of the well, with no way to get out. This time of year is my way out. It is my ladder. The crisp air, bright lights and carols lift me. Prayers of peace and glad tidings lifts me. The bright moon and bright stars lighting up the heavens lifts me.

I wish for so much. I wish for every good thing. I wish for peace everywhere. I wish for more love, more joy and more dessert! I take my wishing seriously. I am purposeful in my wishing. Wishing is not some frivolous escape. Wishing are unspoken possibilities of the grandest hoped for things.

In this season of wishing and waiting, I marry my faith with my sense of whimsy. Making this time joyous and magical. God is ever present and ever listening.

Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

NaBloPoMo Day 16: Time To Reinvent Me ....Next Level Of Baddass

It is time to usher in a new way of being. After all the changes in my grand life, I am always stunned when I forget that when I am in the midst of real change that it often feels like losing. And so I focus on the losing. I get caught up in the pain of not being able to work things out my way. Time and time again God has to remind me that this is not the path fool. Let go. LET GO! Let God!

I am about to upend my life for the bigger plan. The unknown terrain. It is time to walk in an entirely new direction. My life is calling for change. My situation is calling for change. God is calling me toward change. Time to reinvent me and go for the next level of Baddass!

This really is another moment of ascension to achieving my dreams. The day-to-day minutia easily distracts me from the greater goals. It is so easy to be consumed by the small bullshit of the mundane. I believe that is where failure lives... Sitting and waiting for me to get bogged down in things that serve no purpose and certainly do not move me forward.

However this time, I see the way forward much more clearly. And it's because of the circle of folks who remind me of my greatness. And yes, I mean my greatness. Their seeing my greatness, presses me to see my greatness. I am embracing this new chapter. A chapter I get to craft in celebration and joy and mystery.

I am so unafraid. I am so embracing what is next. It is time to reinvent myself yet again as I walk bravely toward the next level of my season of baddass.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

NaBloPoMo Day 15: Let Us Begin by Lara Herscovitch

I heard Lara Herscovitch tonight at the Community Conversation hosted by my Sorority, New Haven Alumnae Chapter, Delta Sigma Theta, Inc. She gifted me 2 of her CDs. She is so fabulously good.

Just drink her in.

Monday, November 14, 2016

NaBloPoMo Day 14: Safe Spaces to Cry

I have come to value all the safe places I have to cry in. All the places and people who open wide and let me fall into them with my tears. I have not always had that luxury. And I have never known this level of safety. It is a beautiful thing.  One that I am deeply grateful for.

In order to fall into safe spaces to cry you have to be willing to cry. You have to be willing to abandon ego, posturing, judgment and shame. I have learned in my life that I cannot hold grief, disappointment, heartache and despair in this body. Tears does a body good. I can attest to that.

Today I had a moment when I looked away from what I was doing to gaze jealously at someone else's gain. My pettiness got the better of me... All I could see was their success and my failures. As soon as I opened the door, the devil rushed in. Self doubt took over and within minutes I had reduced myself to failure, loser, stupid, and lackluster. I went in on myself like an assassin. Breaking my own spirit. Wallowing in my own self pity. I was willingly walking into despair.

My partnership with God is such that, he reminds me to call for a lifeline. Call one of the many folks I put upon your path he says. You are not alone. Call who I have sent to be of service to you. Call them. Call them and tell them you need them in these dark moments. I called.

It is always amazing to me the grace I am afforded. The friends that stand in the gaps for me. Dry my tears and feed me with their love and kindness. I could not have come this far without God's design of eclectic soul mates in my life.

The spaces I can cry in are sacred and holy and wide open for me. And believe me, I thank God all the time for that kindness.

To the safe places I am invited to dwell, I am grateful. To the divine soul mates who answer my calls when I am in despair and or celebration, I thank you so much. You make me better.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

NaBloPoMo Day 13: Finally Accepting

I believe in the power of spell casting... Casting spells...Saying out loud under any moon this is what I want.  And believing that it shall come to pass. I just believe God has my back. I walk the earth knowing this without doubt. The Universe is conspiring to give me what I desire.

It is no secret that poetry is always dripping from my lips and good love stories are always in my heart. Love is the question and the answer. Love Is.

I remember in the early days of this blog all the lamenting over the ending of my marriage. And then the lamenting of never finding love. And then finding love. Then finding out that it wasn't love but gas-lighting and bullshit. Ugh, and all the failed love affairs and all the lessons learned thereafter.

I am squarely in my own space now... Owning my heart and mind as a grown-up woman. I am speaking kindly to myself. I am not lamenting anything. I am using my spell casting to strengthen my steps as I support others guided by the light of my smile.  I remind myself that I am a daughter of fortune... A woman of heart and mind, possessing great capacity to love and be loved.

I guess what I am saying is, I'm done with looking at what's missing in my life. Done in the sense of whatever is lacking isn't really true at all. Like today, I was out with a sorority sister all afternoon. We laughed, we talked deeply, we gossiped a bit, we had fancy cocktails and interesting beers and yummy food and we saw a beautiful film, followed by more discussion and fancy cocktails. And we laughed a great deal more. See, I need this in my life. Holy and sacred friendships that make my life better. I can no longer manage some man's expectation of me. Men who like the idea of a magical woman, but can't really abide a magical woman in their everyday practical life.

There is a great deal of peace with fully understanding what you need, want,
require and are willing to do in any relationship... I am standing in that awareness in ways I've never have before. I am making peace with aloneness. I am making peace with letting go of wasteful wishing. I am making peace with me as is.

Look for me under the super moon with fancy paper and pen in hand. Writing to my heart's content in words that heal, uplift and conjure up sacred connection. This means that I open wider to the things that are meant for me. This means that the words I speak become prayers and songs and poems; and the one who hears them will be the one they are for.  I am without question a particular kind of woman for a particular kind of soulmate. This is the truth I am now finally accepting.

Friday, November 11, 2016

NaBoPoMo Day 11: Because Day 10 Was Done

The day got away from me yesterday. I just couldn't make anything work. Well, one thing did work...A sacred conversation I had with a new Soul mate! But other than that, the day ran me!

Today was another run run run with the wolves kind of day. I ran with the day, not against it. There is a difference. Today I feel somewhat prepared... At least I stayed on mission. I had goals and I championed them. I felt accomplished with some amount of control over my destiny. Yeah, that's a lot to put on a day... But who knows what tomorrow will bring?

So, I am going to bask in this accomplishment and good feeling. Back at you tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

NaBloPoMo Day 9 My Holy Hours

I do my best thinking around 3-5:00 am. I've talked about this before. Muslims say this is the time you are closest to God. I would have to agree. I feel my most holiest then. As a matter of fact, I like making love at that hour... I feel the most holiest then. (Actually I could make love and feel holy at any time). It is the thinking and the soul searching I am trying to get at in this post.

In my part of the world well before dawn it is so quiet I can hear my heartbeat. I can hear my own breathing. That circadian rhythm is a real thing.  In these sacred hours the answers to whatever I am lamenting becomes quite clear. The truth of things, situations, and problems show up that did not exist in my waking hours.  Truth shows up with stark clarity that I can neither ignore or bypass.

Truth is the rock on which I build my life these days. I have long since given up the messiness of lies and double meanings and coyness and unavailability. I trust until I no longer can. The wee hours is nothing but a space for truth... Be it problem solving or making love. There is no room or opportunity for pretense. This is the hour of God. I fully welcome and embrace its sacredness.

For as long as I can remember I have awaken at 3:00 am. Then back to sleep at 5:00 am if I didn't have some commitment shortly after (throughout my life of studying, baby, children, briefs, campaigns, syllabus, marriage, doomed relationships, bootcamp).  It is a habit I don't want to break. It grounds me. It strengthens me. It is time  that nothing interrupts. I don't even look for comparable time in my waking hours. In the course of my day it is a sprint from pillar to post... Nonstop readiness of being here, there and everywhere.

Sometimes I get up and saunter downstairs to my desktop and write until daybreak. Sometimes I sit with a cup of fresh coffee, and on my birthday I have a glass of champagne... Decadent yes.  I am my best illuminated self in those hours. I do not try to replicate them at any other time. Yes, I am authentic in my waking hours. I am soulful and mindful and joyous. But my experiences in the early part of the day are profoundly holy in ways that aren't noticeable at any other time. I have learned this by looking for it and not finding it as sweet or as enveloping.

My holy hours are where God and I meet-up. Sometimes I pray and God listens. Sometimes I am silent and God speaks.