Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Revisiting: What Do I Want Now?

I am always caught off guard when I am asked: "What Do You Want?" This question haunts me, torments me and propels me to finding the answers.

What do I want? Periodically I gotta ask this question... The answers have changed as I have changed throughout this big life. What I wanted as a teenager is quite laughable now... Oh, I wanted so little which seemed so much.

At each decade, the wants morphed into needs. And soon wants became fantasies and little luxuries of thoughts and daydreams. Somewhere along the way, I learned you can't have what you want. Settling shows up and became the new world order.

I am becoming acutely aware of the passing of time. I am solidly 53 years old. I do not believe I have another robust 53 years ahead of me. Perhaps 20 years if I'm extremely lucky. So this time right now has to count, be lived fully. This is what I know moving forward. I cannot squander my remaining days wanting and not having.

This is where it gets challenging. How do I do this in the midst of everything else I am juggling, handling, responsible for? I do believe this is the question facing many modern women. Trying to create an identity that is not tied to marriage, motherhood and work. I love being all these other things, but this is not about that. This is clearly about the stirrings of my heart and long-held dreams.

Is this transitioning again? I don't know, but I owe myself the opportunity to find out.

Oh, by the way, the blog is staying. The calls, emails, messaging was loud and clear. Thank you for those of you still reading my little slice of the world wide web.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Reinvention: A Brand New Me!

My dear Sister-friend Karen King sat me down for a photo shoot! It was AMAZING! I do believe it's time for a new Me! It's time for this blog to end and a new one begun.

Time for new worlds to explore and new paths to purposely go down.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Hello 53! Glad To See You!

May 2, 2016, was my 53rd birthday! A lovely day filled with self-care!

I'm still writing love letters to myself for the #100DayProject. I am still working on my personal projects. I'll be back in a week or so. Happy Birthday to Me!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Day 2 #100DayProject #LoveBabzLoveLetters

Love letters to myself. Sitting with a glass of wine writing heartfelt letters to myself.
It is healing and restorative. Besides no one is more romantic than me! 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

100 Day Project: #LoveBabzLoveletters

So I've decided to write love letters to myself for the #100DayProject. I am doing this because it's artistic and creative and revolutionary. There is no one coming to love me more than I love myself. I need to rejoice in my own heart and use kind and loving words on myself. Follow me on Instagram LoveBabz 

100 Days Project! Starts 4/19/16

What could you do with 100 days of making? That's the challengeL 100 Days Project! being creative! being artistic! Being Healthy! What would you do? Well, I am challenging you to do something!

Starting today April 19, 2016 and ending July 27, 2016 make something! Create something!
use the hashtag #100DAYPROJECT  I have an idea of what I want to do. So follow me on Instagram Lovebabz. I'll have a hashtag and everything! And THANKS to elleluna on Instagram for launching this and big thanks to A'Driane Nieves, my facebook friend and supreme artist for sharing this with me.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Sometimes Allowing Yourself Not To Want Is Code For Worthlessness

I have been acting like to want anything is to be unworthy of everything.

It came full circle this morning in church as I was reading the 23 Psalm... The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

I realized that in not allowing myself to want, what I am really doing is saying I don't deserve.

As I inventory my life I can clearly see where I am doing this. I am doing this with money. I am doing this with weight loss. I am doing it with launching my projects. I am doing this in seeking a partner/lover/husband. I am doing this just about everywhere in my everyday practical life.

I dream a good game. And then I sabotage all my dreams because I won't say out loud what I want. I won't write down what I want. I won't take to prayer what I want. This is not a want issue it is a deserving issue.

As long as I don't think I deserve shit. I won't get shit. There is no plainer way to say it.

I remember when I was a student at the School of Spirituality at the Mercy Center. We were discussing God and prayer. I was saying how ashamed I was for wanting to pray for things that were unique  and personal to me when there were people in the world experiencing real hardships and losses. That my prayers were petty and selfish and insulting to God. I really did think this. My loving and divine teacher Sister Patty gently said God can handle it all. There is room for all prayers. God is big. You are reducing God to your human self rather than allowing God to be boundless glorious God.

This is what I know moving forward... Sometimes not allowing yourself to want is code for worthlessness. Getting to this understanding requires truth telling to my soul. What am I afraid of  asking for? Why am I not worthy of the things I want?  This is where I have the most work to do.