Saturday, October 1, 2016

Frieda Kahlo To Marty McConnell

I subscribe to The Elephant Journal. I get their stuff emailed directly to me. It is some of the best "live a mindful life" ish out there. Yesterday's (9/30/16) treasure trove came with a poem crafted by Marty McConnell. The poem was inside of a post by Crystal Jackson "Take a Lover who looks at You like Maybe You are Magic". ~ (Not) Frieda Kahlo. In her post she discovered an often attributed quote to the fabulous Kahlo was not indeed hers. It was a line from a poem written by Marty McConnell.

As lover of fine poetry... this poem is sublime. So here it is. I hope they don't mind that I posted it here!

Frieda Kahlo To Marty McConnell
by Marty McConnell

Leaving is not hard enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog, change the locks
even on the house he's never
visited. you lucky lucky girl
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. the heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don't wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses.
you make him call before
he visits. you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever alter you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don't lose too much weight
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.

Monday, September 12, 2016

I Am Not Asking What Do I Want

October is coming. It is my New Year's resolution-making time. The time where I look down the road and think about where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I can feel the transitioning in my bones. My life will change yet again. My life is calling me to new ground. My life is calling me to new love, and to the healing of the oldest wounds.

The cool crisp mornings are whispering it is time.

I am not asking what do I want. The real question is what am I willing to do for the wants I already have? There are not new wants. I have the same wants that existed at the beginning of this blog. The same wants:
  1. To know me better
  2. To walk and stand in truth
  3. To love with abandon
  4. To be loved with equal aplomb
  5. To continue to attract wholehearted loving people
  6. To be good and kind and generous to my friends
  7. To laugh more
  8. To dance more
  9. To make love more
  10. To love who I am in this body
  11. To be financially strong
These are the wants. These are the things that come and go in my life. I want consistency and long-term. I want eons of good fortune. I want endless days of laughter and dancing. Here comes October calling me to my annual sojourn of offering prayers for the journey ahead.

Photo: Karen King

Monday, September 5, 2016

Adulting: Showing Up For Love

In friendships, you have to be willing to go to your beloved and say you hurt me. And equally important if you've done the hurting, you gotta repair that shit. You gotta take your spit and glue and tape and bandaids, offering a balm. Love requires that and much more.

You hurt me is hard to say and hard to hear. Often folks can't bear it on either receiving end. If you are the one directing it to your beloved, then in your repair and healing of the situation, you have to resist the urge to say that's not what I intended, or meant. Or that I didn't think it was offensive or hurtful. If you are the one saying how you are hurt by what was said or done, then you have to be clear and honest as you can be in those moments.

Hurt words can be healed, providing you are prepared to walk in truth. Let me tell you what hurt and why. We hurt each other in small almost unnoticeable ways. We hurt each other in grand sweeping ways. We hurt each other. The mark of love calls us to repair, tend to and heal the wrong done, real or imagined.

Not telling someone how you really feel about them is not walking in truth, And brushing off things only stores them in a powder keg. Someday it will go BOOM! So rather than wait for the explosion, speak your peace.  I value those I hold dear as friends. I want them to know that hurtful words in and of themselves will not break our friendship. Misunderstandings cannot be left to fester because we are afraid that we can't get to higher ground... common ground. I promise to make myself available to listen without judgment. I may need time to process what you say, but I will not up and abandon the friendship. I pride myself on being a reasonable, deeply thinking woman.

At this place in my life, I am tending some of the most beautiful relationships I've ever had. All the people in my universe are treasures. Each one of them makes me a better woman. The fact that they make room in their lives for me and my shit is breathtaking. I come with complications and unimaginable wounds that run deep and long. Yet somehow their hearts welcome me and I am safe and cared for.

Showing up vulnerable is where I want to exist from. I want to be wide open. That comes with risks. I am willing to take the risks.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind

As long as I draw breath, I suspect that I will be always the kind of woman that readily makes friends and invites people into my life. I am fascinated by people's stories. I talk for hours to people on a regular basis. There is always some depth that I want to get to with folks. I am always meeting kindred souls on life's byways and highways.

Being how I am, with always inviting folks to converse and being open, to discovering what we can in discussion and late night heated sharing and early morning hey you. Is often a prescription for experiencing different sides of people that they normally don't show to others. What I mean is, people can be fucked up in other relationships, but then they step into my universe and they don't bring that with them... until they do.  I was told incessantly "I am not kind" and my reply was always, "I believe you, but that has not been my experience of you". And onward we go, existing in the bubble of enchantment. Now, mind you, I can always feel the cracks in the bubble early. I can tell when the truth of just being, starts to seep in. Little annoyances start to become bigger annoyances. We are talking, but not deeply. We are slipping away from the early days of interest and intrigue. What is passing for friendship between us, is the mutually satisfying work... Me building my dreams, and you building another chapter in a life with great determination and focus. We are becoming estranged.

I hold few things to the breast anymore. I have learned to not hoard love or magazines. Nothing has changed. I love you. Nothing has changed except now I accept that you are unkind. It is now my experience. I have stepped out of the bubble of enchantment and into the bright bold, harsh light of day. And all shall be well.

Each experience of enchantment brings me closer to a new me that I am so pleased to meet. I like who I was in relation to you. I am still she. And I like me so much. I don't know what you started to see, or how you came to the observations about who I am and what I need. I don't care to know at this point. Your opinion is neither here nor there in the overall scheme of things. I am wrong about people all the time. I am a fool most times opening myself to folks. I am my best self when I am living my vulnerabilities; this is the space I want to be in.

The riches of life are such that, you can meet a perfect stranger one day, make friends, do creative things and love and not love and love a bit more and move on.

Nothing has changed. Except, I now accept that you are unkind. And that my friend is the greatest gift. The gift of walking in truth and believed.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

I Am The Worst Kind Of Fool...

At some point, I gotta let go of all hope of some magical man showing up. At some point, I gotta resign myself to the truth of things as they are right this minute. There is no one out there for me at the moment. Hasn't been for a very long time.

I don't know how to be anything else. I do not know how to become someone else. A she that is more desirable, more beautiful, thinner, taller, smaller in some places, bigger in others. I don't know how to be a she that someone wants above all others. At 53, I gotta stop looking into the eyes of men who look past me. Men whose gaze is for a she that I don't happen to be. A she that is on his wish list.

I am a 53-year-old Sister. Witty, highly intelligent, a go-getter, funny, engaging, and on some occasions considered quite pretty. I am always beautiful I believe. So I am not wallowing in some kind of self-pity soup. I am weary of going out and being on display hoping someone will notice me. Pick me. Engage me. See me and be in awe of my being.

I am the worst kind of fool... Magical, sparkly and effervescent. I see the goodness everywhere. I am a girl for a silver lining on the rainiest days. And yet, here I sit and type about the aloneness of my life. A life filled with so much that I am overwhelmed on any given day with, goings-on, happenings, good times, all manner of fetes!

I don't want to be wallowing in sadness. This isn't about sadness. It is about aloneness. The kind of aloneness I experience when I wake in the night and there is no one to roll into. Aloneness where there is no one to talk to, laugh with, joke with, work shit out with.

I have fine people in my life. People who bring me joy, and peace and happiness and fun, and camaraderie and sisterhood. I just have to quit wishing for a different reality. Embrace what is and turn my attention toward things I have some real influence and impact on.

It is time to give up the notion of whatever I was hoping and wishing for. I'm good with this. The aloneness stays. The aloneness stays and has a place at the table. This chapter closes.

Photo: Karen King
Make-up: Winter Carson
Hair: Hair's Kay Salon & Sangerster Barber.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Redefining My Being When Things Fall Apart

I am not new to my life crashing down around me. I can count using both hands the number of times my life fell to the ground on fire, or shattered, or drowned, or crumbled, or just fell apart. It is doing that now. And here I stand to survey the rubble... or about to survey the rubble. Can I tell you that the fight to hold up my world has left me? I do not have the energy or the will to swim against the tide. This time, I am surrendering quickly and serenely.  Surrendering not because I am weak and I can't fight. But that the fight is different. I am different. My strength is needed elsewhere.

In the days and weeks and months ahead, my life will change. It is my plan to go with the flow. To retire my battle armor and move in a different direction. I am not here for the court of public opinion. Been there done that. I am not here for the feigned humiliation of loss. Been there, done that too. What I want more than anything is to be untethered to time, space and place.

I am a very different woman now. Even as I look back over the years of this blog, I can see real growth and revelations and illuminations. The path was always lit enough to step forward albeit timidly, but most often boldly.

I am not going to get all twisted about the coming storm. I am not going to panic (which I never do anyway). I am not going to wring my hands and lay awake worrying, crying, pleading with God for a more favorable outcome. What I am going to do is move with as much grace as I can. I am going to be calm and thoughtful about the moves I make. And I will not be hasty in any decisions moving forward. I am at my best with a calm and cool mind.

So as the world around me crashes once again. I'll be ready to climb up and out. That is how I'm made. Resilient. Bold. Unafraid.

Sunday, July 24, 2016


I move through daily constant pain. I just bear it. I just stand in it. I just deal with it.

The weight of things past, present and future. When can I come out of the rain? When can I just rest?

I want so much, that I think I am foolish in my inner desires. I am foolish in ways that make me ashamed. I am foolish still in ways that make me realize I haven't learned shit.

How am I living? Why am I living? These questions get answered and remain unanswered at the same time. There is a weariness that shows up to remind me that the struggle is very real.

Perhaps I am feeling some kind of way because in a few days I'm headed to Martha's Vineyard... Oak Bluffs. It is there I am renewed and refreshed and rejuvenated.  The ancestors have direct access to me. I welcome their connection.

Time away is needed. I am prickly for a lot of reasons.

Listen, I'll be back on August 6th or around... In the meantime, read the archives... Good shit for sure! To the right of the screen.