Tuesday, August 16, 2016

I Am The Worst Kind Of Fool...

At some point, I gotta let go of all hope of some magical man showing up. At some point, I gotta resign myself to the truth of things as they are right this minute. There is no one out there for me at the moment. Hasn't been for a very long time.

I don't know how to be anything else. I do not know how to become someone else. A she that is more desirable, more beautiful, thinner, taller, smaller in some places, bigger in others. I don't know how to be a she that someone wants above all others. At 53, I gotta stop looking into the eyes of men who look past me. Men whose gaze is for a she that I don't happen to be. A she that is on his wish list.

I am a 53-year-old Sister. Witty, highly intelligent, a go-getter, funny, engaging, and on some occasions considered quite pretty. I am always beautiful I believe. So I am not wallowing in some kind of self-pity soup. I am weary of going out and being on display hoping someone will notice me. Pick me. Engage me. See me and be in awe of my being.

I am the worst kind of fool... Magical, sparkly and effervescent. I see the goodness everywhere. I am a girl for a silver lining on the rainiest days. And yet, here I sit and type about the aloneness of my life. A life filled with so much that I am overwhelmed on any given day with, goings-on, happenings, good times, all manner of fetes!

I don't want to be wallowing in sadness. This isn't about sadness. It is about aloneness. The kind of aloneness I experience when I wake in the night and there is no one to roll into. Aloneness where there is no one to talk to, laugh with, joke with, work shit out with.

I have fine people in my life. People who bring me joy, and peace and happiness and fun, and camaraderie and sisterhood. I just have to quit wishing for a different reality. Embrace what is and turn my attention toward things I have some real influence and impact on.

It is time to give up the notion of whatever I was hoping and wishing for. I'm good with this. The aloneness stays. The aloneness stays and has a place at the table. This chapter closes.



Photo: Karen King
Make-up: Winter Carson
Hair: Hair's Kay Salon & Sangerster Barber.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Redefining My Being When Things Fall Apart

I am not new to my life crashing down around me. I can count using both hands the number of times my life fell to the ground on fire, or shattered, or drowned, or crumbled, or just fell apart. It is doing that now. And here I stand to survey the rubble... or about to survey the rubble. Can I tell you that the fight to hold up my world has left me? I do not have the energy or the will to swim against the tide. This time, I am surrendering quickly and serenely.  Surrendering not because I am weak and I can't fight. But that the fight is different. I am different. My strength is needed elsewhere.

In the days and weeks and months ahead, my life will change. It is my plan to go with the flow. To retire my battle armor and move in a different direction. I am not here for the court of public opinion. Been there done that. I am not here for the feigned humiliation of loss. Been there, done that too. What I want more than anything is to be untethered to time, space and place.

I am a very different woman now. Even as I look back over the years of this blog, I can see real growth and revelations and illuminations. The path was always lit enough to step forward albeit timidly, but most often boldly.

I am not going to get all twisted about the coming storm. I am not going to panic (which I never do anyway). I am not going to wring my hands and lay awake worrying, crying, pleading with God for a more favorable outcome. What I am going to do is move with as much grace as I can. I am going to be calm and thoughtful about the moves I make. And I will not be hasty in any decisions moving forward. I am at my best with a calm and cool mind.

So as the world around me crashes once again. I'll be ready to climb up and out. That is how I'm made. Resilient. Bold. Unafraid.


Sunday, July 24, 2016

Vacation

I move through daily constant pain. I just bear it. I just stand in it. I just deal with it.

The weight of things past, present and future. When can I come out of the rain? When can I just rest?

I want so much, that I think I am foolish in my inner desires. I am foolish in ways that make me ashamed. I am foolish still in ways that make me realize I haven't learned shit.

How am I living? Why am I living? These questions get answered and remain unanswered at the same time. There is a weariness that shows up to remind me that the struggle is very real.

Perhaps I am feeling some kind of way because in a few days I'm headed to Martha's Vineyard... Oak Bluffs. It is there I am renewed and refreshed and rejuvenated.  The ancestors have direct access to me. I welcome their connection.

Time away is needed. I am prickly for a lot of reasons.

Listen, I'll be back on August 6th or around... In the meantime, read the archives... Good shit for sure! To the right of the screen. 




Friday, July 22, 2016

I Believe In...

I Believe:

In love everlasting; sex on rainy days; sex on Sundays; good wine; vegan artisan chocolates; fancy sexy panties; Church on Some Sundays; Jazz; Cassandra Wilson; red lace bras; high heels; flats; red lipstick; black lipstick; soft porn done well; live music; kink; natural hair; 100% Egyptian cotton sheets; silk pajamas; champagne everyday; beautifully grilled steak; cognac; roses; peonies; orchids; phone sex; spiritually rooted conversations; jazz gospel music; masturbation; silk scarves; incense; Angela Bofill; Fine table wear; vases; pitchers; sparkly picture frames; red glasses; down pillows; feather beds; Martha's Vineyard; Just about anywhere in the Caribbean; Peace of mind; love letters; Christmas, snow on occasion; Martha's Vineyard; Adoption of children; enduring friendships; Walks in truth; real men; solid brothers; Black Greek Women; DST; Men who love with abandon; Men who adore Black Women; Men who protect Black Women; Men who revere Black women; vegan ice cream; Black children; United Church of Christ; My dearest friends; Solid Black Men; Teachers of Color; Children of Color; Strong neighborhoods, long showers; long baths, vegan biscuits; real cocktails; Hebrew scripture; sacred Christian scripture; Bob Marley; Mozart; Paris; Prague; New Orleans; Earth Wind & Fire; Phyllis Hyman; hot days; love everlasting; Nikki Giovanni; HBCUs; William Spivey; Red sports cars; bright colored galoshes; red lipstick; good hot coffee; unsweetened ice tea; Books: More books; Still more books; poetry; Lots and lots of poetry; Binge TV watching; collard greens on Sundays; My daughters; my Sons; Robin Gwathney; Big Mike; Bob-O; peace on earth.

We are what we tell ourselves we are. We attract what we are. We believe what we experience

I am AMAZING. BEAUTIFUL. RESILLIENT. POWERFUL. LOVEABLE. COOL AS SHIT!


Photo: Karen King Photography
Makeup: Winter Carson, Madame Blush
Hair: Hair's Kay Salon and Sangster Barber & Salon




Monday, July 18, 2016

Hey Babz, You Need To Do Dating Differently

I have always viewed dating as an adventure waiting to unfold; that I would meet someone and we would click. I was excited to date and see what opportunities awaited me. I had no list or heavy criteria. I just wanted someone who was intellectual, and spiritually and emotionally strong in their own right and ready for a woman like me... Or if not on the same page, at least in the same book!

My Ex-husband Lawrence was a wonderful example of intellect, street smart, hip-hop and jazz. He truly was and is a student of the world. He was a faithful and abiding man. He had a faith in Islam that guided him. I admired that. He was not a cheater. I never worried or had cause to worry about him betraying our marriage vows. In that regard, I was blessed. I know so many men who have cheated or are cheaters. Men who have cut a path of heartache and family destruction that gives me pause. That was not my experience in my marriage. There were other problems that contributed to the demise of the marriage. But overall, we share a great many values. We were equal adventurers and learners and readers and art appreciators!

So, of course, I thought to get out there again, surely the Gods will smile upon me again! Then Jamal showed  up... With all the romantic dust dreams are made of. As it turned out... Jamal was not anything I would wish on anyone. It was a disaster. We are no longer friends. We were friends since we were 12 and 13 years old. A day-to-day loveship was a prescription for pain. What had such promise, turned into a nightmare. I moved on.

Dating now, I thought I had a clear understanding of what I was doing. It has been one bad date after another. So I'm conceding to the universe. I hear you! It is time to move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION... E.N.D.

My village and the universe of friends are wide and intimate. My friend Bill suggested I rethink my concept of dating. "You're a great communicator" start there. My soul mate Carlos said just be still and allow someone to show up for you. And My BFF Ron thinks I do too much. "You are enough," he says. "You are delightful and loving and kind and stunningly beautiful".  Just wait. Someone will show up. Someone, I bet totally unexpected.

I have decided to stop dating for the Summer. No more dates for the remaining Summer. Perhaps in the Fall, depending on how I feel.

This last date was tough and terrifying. He put his hands on me in a way to threaten and intimidate me. It did not work. I am still mad and feel acutely vulnerable. So this Summer, I chill. No dates. Just conversations... The richer the better.

I am a great communicator. I walk in truth. I do not lie. I used to be a liar and a manipulator. I am not that woman anymore...Haven't been that woman for more than a decade (the length of marriage). Marriage was my saving grace, the ctatlyst that showed me love was possible for me.

I am quite transparent as a love interest. We must be each other's savior and not assassin. That's what I am taking into the next loveship. So this summer no dating! Just Communicating!

 Let's see how this approach fares. I'll keep you posted.





photo: Karen King, Photographer
Makeup: Winter Carson, Madame Blush
Hair: Hair's Kay and Sangster Barber & Salon



Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Julia Fordham - Italy

 Can we move to Italy?


I will take a boat and meet you there
Can we move to Italy?
I will put fresh flowers in my hair

Can we move to Italy?
I have been traveling
With my face pressed against
The windscreen of my dusty car
Trying to be where you are

Can we move to Italy?
I will take a house and make it home
Can we move to Italy?
We can dance in Venice, kiss in Rome

Can we move to Italy?
Meet me by the church up high
On the hill, please say you will
Way above the shore below
Down in Portofino

I've got my ticket
And my purple rosary
I know my mission

I'm set for Italy
Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
Punch the air, kiss the ground
(Italy)
Dance in Venice, kiss in Rome
(Italy)
(Italy)
Take a little house, make it home

Can we move to Italy?
I will take a boat and meet you there
Can we move to Italy?
I will put fresh flowers in my hair
Can we move to Italy?

Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
(Italy, Italy)
Punch the air, kiss the ground
Dance in Venice, kiss in Rome

(Can we move to Italy?)
Take a little house, make it home
(Can we move?)
Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
(Italy)
Punch the air, kiss the ground
Dance in Venice, kiss in Rome

(Can we move to Italy?)
(Italy)
Take a little house, make it home
(Can we move?)

(Can we move to Italy?)
Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
Punch the air, kiss the ground

(Can we move to Italy?)
Dance in Venice, kiss in Rome
Take a little house, make it home
(Can we move to Italy?)
Watch the sun come up, the sun go down
Punch the air, kiss the ground

Songwriters
Fordham Julia
Published by
RYKOMUSIC, INC.


Monday, July 4, 2016

Defining and Owning My Sexy 2016

I did a Boudoir Shoot. A photo session where I am photographed in lingerie and, yes NAKED!

Why? Why would I do this? Isn't this just continuing to objectify women? Am I contributing to the objectification of women by willingly objectifying myself?

Maybe the answer is YES! Maybe the answer is NO!  All I know is that I wanted to capture the sensualness of this body right now. Not me 50 lbs from now in either direction. I wanted to see myself sexy, sensual and desirable. Yes, I needed to stand in front of a camera in lingeries and be SASSY FLIRTY POWERFUL and SEXY!

I am more confident than most. I am aware of the rape culture we exist in. I know how looks and appearances are used to promote us and break us. I just can't stand how I am always asked to ignore my sexualness, my sensualness in the face of weight, race, and age.

I am a beautiful woman. and I do not have a lot of time on earth to seek permission to be beautiful.

So, I happily decided to see myself Sexy. Beautiful and Desirable. Now! In this body. At this weight. At this age.

I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding. I am done hiding.
I AM DONE HIDING.




Hair: