Sometimes those that love you... hurt you the most.
It is hard to hear someone say your words are bullshit. You don't live the way you blog. You don't listen, you force your thoughts. You are a bully. You don't talk to me, you don't relate to me as a human being, you don't do this and you don't do that. I need need and need and you don't give it to me. You don't hear my ideals, you don't consider my existence. You haven't figured out how to join our lives. You are afraid, you are resistant, you disregard the proper order of things, you are not in harmony with nature, you are cunning with words. You are a seductress, an enchantress, you are charming. You are not rooted in reality. It's your world and you are the only who calls the shots. I am tired of this. I am not playing house with you. I am not having sex with you. I am tired of you. These words when strung together create a dagger and plunges into my heart. I am a woman conscious of words, their meanings, their values. I am conscious of what is said and what is withheld on the tongue. I wear these words like an exquisite piece of jewelry...heavy around my neck and heart.
I have no defense for any of the charges leveled against me. They are true. I am who you think I am. I am who you say I am.
I am a woman in transition. Trying to live with as much grace and tenderness as heaven would allow. I am divine in my steps and in my thoughts. I am a lover and a giver and always in need of redemption and prayer. You will see in me what you want to see in me. An illusion created in your own mind. Why can't you resist the need to change and reconstruct my nature...my very being. To make me better in your estimation. Weak men will do that...need to do that, seek to change the very thing they say they love and are drawn to. It requires a great deal to accept a woman on terms that are foreign to you. It requires you to question your existence and to ask "Who Are You? And What Do You Want?"
Do I bring joy to your life? Are you happy in my presence? When I touch you does the universe sing out? When you are away from me are your thoughts of me and do you miss me? Can you love me without judgement and without criticism. If we parted company would your life be better off? All the ruminations about the day-to-day is bullshit and an excuse to move further apart. To live the life of one's dreams, we have to cast off our beliefs and expectations and love what is. We have to create a new ideal...one created just for our lives with roots in what speaks to our soul.
Maybe we have reached the pinnacle of this loveship. Perhaps for us there isn't anything left to do but wish each other well on our paths. Perhaps there is something to hold onto here. Perhaps there is still conversations to be had and love to be made.
These are lovely days. The beauty of the seasons does not escape me. I welcome the seasonal change. I am looking forward to the heavier comforters on the bed and the days getting shorter. I am already imagining stews and soups and hearty breads.
The Love Story continues...