If I Start Now.... 3,567 Miles To Paris

It is 3,567 miles to Paris, France from my house in Connecticut.  I have decided to run that.

I am gong to run 3,567 miles.  I am going to lose this weight running.  And I am going to create a Run-To-Paris tip jar... each mile gets a dollar.  By the time I finish I should be able to pay for my trip to Paris. I should be done in about a year.  So next year for my 51st birthday I am going to Paris, FIT, TRIM and uber SEXY!

This is my vow. I WILL RUN PARIS!

RADICAL TRUTH AND THE MESS I WAS WILLING TO BELIEVE...

Your radical truths are not running in parallel. In the sample above, your radical truth is serenity. And fear is the "demon" fighting that truth....HerSide, Battle Scars & Exit Wounds

Yes.  This is the Radical Truth.  Serenity. Peace. Joy. Love.

In my previous post a couple of days ago I was lamenting the duality of my life.  And my Blog Sister HerSide left me a very poignant message that I am starting today's post with....see above...read again.  When I read her comments I was immediately slapped into reality.  I was immediately reminded of how to walk in truth.  It starts with not holding onto mess, myths, lies and confusion.  There is no duality to my life.  As long as I hold onto the negative, the positive can't thrive.  As long as I allow the clutter of my mind, home, thoughts, stuff, grow and thrive then the positive energy has to fight to be heard, seen and experienced.  Yeah it's that deep and that serious.  I was prepared to believe the bullshit.  It is so easy to lose control of your positive energy.  It is so easy to find comfort in negativity.  It is so easy to give up choosing love because everything around you seduces you, woos you into despair.  It is a choice to live well.  It is a choice to live in love.  It is a choice to walk in truth.

I have to stay conscious all the time.  I have to remind myself that I have chosen to live a life solidly rooted in love. 

PHOEBE SNOW...SOMETHING REAL

This is one of my FAVORITE songs! Listen the lyrics and let them move you and see if you don't totally agree! I know I do.

LESSONS LEARNED AND MORE WHINING....

The level of criticism I throw at myself is outrageous.  It is so insidious that I don't even notice it while rushing through my day.  I don't even catch myself when I am rattling off in my head all the things that are wrong with me.  From worrying about losing weight, having enough money for basic shit, how am I going to keep this house.  I spend too much time thinking if I am drinking too much, or not eating enough fruits and vegetables.  I am due for an eye exam, and gynecological exam that I have to pay for because I don't have health insurance. Oh and I have to get back to my Dr. for a 6 month check-up for high blood pressure.  I am juggling all these 'have-to's" and trying not to have them crash and hit me in the head or worse throw more balls in the air!

So what have I learned in the last 3 years or so?  That peace is deliberate.  Love is deliberate.  Love and peace begin within.  That's it.  A simple message.  A simple shift in the way I think and go about the world.  Love and peace begin within. 

Paying attention to one's life is really paying attention to the smallest of smallest details.  It is the discipline of training your mind to be quiet and shut off the negative internal talk.  The big things in my life get the attention easily.  It is those seemingly small things that are left unattended to.

I am cutting myself some slack.  I know I haven't been disciplined, or kept my word on losing weight, or scaling back indulgences.  And I have been stubborn and whiny.  But still, I am cutting myself some slack.  I appreciate pressing on....soldering on....no pain, no gain.  I swear I just need to cut myself some slack.  Maybe this is more whining.  I am sure it is.  But for now that's all I want to do.  Tomorrow I am sure will be different as I continue to shift my thinking and move in that direction.

WHAT I KNOW RIGHT NOW....

1. The path ahead doesn't need perfect illumination, just my willingness to take one step at a time.
2. My opinion matters.
3. I know what the fuck I am doing....sometimes.
4. Love has no conditions.
5. I like who I see when I am looking at me!
6. I love fancy and simple foods equally.
7. I love a cold beer often.
8. No one can tell me how to be 47.
9. I love my alone time.
10. I enjoy having dinner in swanky restaurants with no one but my own company.
11. I like movies by myself too.
12. I love great sex...all the time!
13. I have a big imagination.
14. I daydream every chance I get.
15. I buy lottery tickets.
16. I really like champagne.
17. I do not wear stockings or pantyhose...will wear tights in winter only.
18. I like my own touch on my body.
19. I am in awe at being called mommy.
20. I love love love music...all kinds of music.
21. I adore my friends.
22. My sister is my bestest friend on the planet.
23. I love Ron.
24. I miss being married.
25. I love going to my church.
26. I don't have to beg anyone for attention, affection or love.
27. I really don't like meetings.
28. I can be short tempered.
29. I love my late 40's...being 47.
30. There are things I wished I just didn't do.
31. I love romantic films.
32. I like watching football, basketball, tennis, and NASCAR (shrugs)
33. I really like disco music...OOOO-OOOO..OOOUUP!
34. I love blogging.
35. I love my blog family.
36. I want to see Paris.
37. I know real joy.
38. I don't like sleeping late.
39. I love lots of blankets...even in summer.
40. I love soaking in the tub.
41. I love candle light.
42. I really don't like religious zealots.
43. I don't like bullies and I get they need attention.
44. I think so-called reality shows are hilarious and scary.
45. That prayer works.
46. Love heals.
47. Forgiveness is critical for positive personal growth and peace.
48. I don't like pets.
49. I love big earrings that dangle.
50. Peace is not in some far off place, but in the very center of me.  It houses love.  Yes peace is the framework that allows love to expand.

EXCUSES ARE THE TOOLS OF THE DEVIL

I am full of shit right now.  I am so excuse driven that I almost believe I can't do anything except make an excuse. I have such big dreams in my heart and mind, but when its time to take that leap of faith, I slink back to my cave...the inner recesses of my mind.  You would have thought I have never accomplished anything in my life.  But somehow I am feeling like I am in my own way and can't get past myself.

I do not believe I am having a mid-life crisis.  I don't think I am having a mental health break-down.  I do suspect that perhaps depression is making its way back into town and looking me up for old times sake.  I have learned a thing or two about myself over these last few years and I would say depression is trying to vacation in my space.

All the old tools don't work, I have to arm myself with a new box of tools for this new slick and witty and seductive form of depression.  It doesn't ask me to do dangerous stuff or harm myself.  It says: you are doing too much, rest, stop dreaming, settle, go along with the grain. You don't want to swim up stream do you?  Eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink, eat, eat.  Tomorrow work out or walk.  Tomorrow do something different.  Right now indulge you, feed you.  Make yourself feel better now. Excuses are the tools of the devil and I have been accepting his gifts.

The old me would have been totally seduced... easily and readily falling into old habits. The transitioning me knows better.  Oh yeah some of the seduction has been successful.  That's why I am lamenting.  That's why I am sharing and purging my soul.

I am going to bed armed with prayers and positive affirmations.  I am jumping out this bed in the morning and I am chasing the devil back into the ether.  What is required is sound sleep.  Peaceful rest and a deep abiding belief in knowing that I have all that I need for this part of my journey.  God has my back for sure.

I cannot and must not entertain this seductive menace. I've got things to do and love to make. I am keeping the faith for sure.

COME BEARING GIFTS....

Perhaps this post ought to be posted over at PCHATS...

I am a woman for making love round' midnight.  I love the wee hours of the night, well before daybreak.  I like the way the house is quiet and the only sound that can be heard is heaving breath and hushed whispers.

I love low sexy talk and witty banter and hands and legs entwined.  I love making love.

My libido has grown over the years.  My desires have become more acute.  I can't imagine not having a robust sex life now that I have rediscovered passion.  I love to have the back of my spine licked.  I love lots of pillows on my bed.  I love champagne and vegan chocolates and fresh cut flowers...roses, peonies, orchids.  I have discovered flame less candles...I can sleep by candlelight and not burn down my house.  I am a woman for mood. 

I love high thread count sheets washed and rinsed in lavender.  I love Oscar Peterson playing in the background. I am a woman for sights and sounds and taste and touch.

This isn't about being horny.  That I can take care of....  This is about romance and making love.  A wonderful day spent, a lovely evening lingering, a steamy night to get lost in.

It is fantasy and reality and drama and desire converging on the alter of my king-sized bed.  It is taking time again and again and again and again.  It is the long slow kiss.  The long slow caress.  The long slow stroke.

I am in the mood for romance and making love.  Not a quickie up against a wall or on a couch.  There is time and place for that.  I want want want want want deliberate, long playing, breath catching, earth moving, love making, complete with picnic in bed and love poems recited.

Perhaps this is my mood indigo.  Perhaps this is a prayer.  In any case it is now spoken into the universe with an expectation that someone will come bearing these gifts.

100 DAYS CHALLENGE: FAITH. GOD. LOVE SUPREME.

Let the preaching begin:  You gotta have faith that something bigger, grander and supreme is walking on this journey of change with you.  Call it whatever you like, I happen to like GOD, Jesus Christ, The I AM.  You must find a way to communicate with your inner self and the creator of the universe.  I happen to like prayer, but you can choose whatever methods that work for you... meditation, chanting, burning sage, drawing, or walking through the park. I also like to go to Church.  I have found that this journey is not one to be solely taken in solitude, that meeting up with a community of believers is one of the best blessings in life.  To sit in fellowship with people who share your journey is divine. 

We are not meant to be solitary creatures.  We are meant to be connected to one another in love as well as in struggle. We are not solely just people in our skins, but also spiritual beings that exists beyond the mere physical. To know and understand that, already sets you upon a path of change.  I believe that our physical selves house our spirit, our souls and all our thoughts.  That if the body dies and it will, the spirit journeys on. I think life is infinite. Never ending, always moving, always changing.

All change has to happen from a place of willingness, rooted in love.  Love of self, family,community and country. It is not enough to want anything, let alone change.  Want is only a small part of it. What are you willing to do, everyday to make change in your life?  I think most people think that change is some sweeping larger than life ordeal...and often it is.  But it's in the seemingly small steps we take, that becomes the catalyst for the life changing we want and often times NEED.  Love is discipline expressed everyday no matter what the circumstances of the excuse.  If you are in love with yourself then you will work all the more harder for the changes you need to make.  OK sometimes.  It takes getting the right rhythm of motivation.  It requires your mind to be ready to be focused and it also requires a letting go to a power...a supreme being that is grander, larger than yourself.

Full circle. We need each other clinging to humanity to survive.  We need kind words and actions on our behalf.  We need love unconditional and without harsh judgements. I need you and you need me.  Change is not solitary and neither is God.

Keep the faith and if you have none, get some. Believe that you are not alone. Know that your prayers are answered. Begin with a simple prayer: Breathe in. Breathe Out.

GOODBYE MR. LOVE...FOR REAL FOR REAL

At some point you have to say enough already. You have to know your pain threshold.  We are not for each other.  Not because we didn't try, but because we tried too much.  Forcing a loveship that should have only been a summer fling last year.  Here I am, wanting you to leave, move out, break up, break off, leave.  This begins the season of mean when breaking up is hard to do.  I wish you well.  I wish you all the best.  I wish you love.

I wish you would leave and take a slow boat to China and not call me, or send me a post card, or even whisper my name.   It is quite startling when you realize you've been taken advantage of.  When you have given more than you ever received.  And you did not give so much because you wanted to receive anything at all.  But the taking was so consistent and relentless that you just gave out of habit.  We all judge people that's how we keep some mess out of our lives.  We judge people on various things to help us decide if their being in our lives could be worth the effort.  Sometimes we are successful and sometimes we are fooled, tricked and blinded.  In  my case I was blinded by history and potential.  I saw him as he was, and hoped he would become something more. 

He hasn't been here for two nights and it's been so peaceful.  I like having my home to myself without someone under foot with a critical eye and a disapproving voice.  I must say I had a good run with him, but it has lasted too long.  The time has come to part company and get on down the road of our respective paths.

I am not unhappy or sad by any of this.  I have learned that regret is wasted energy.  To be in the company of someone who you know you will not make a life with is wasted energy.  I am going in peace.  I remain a hopeless romantic, always believing that true love dwells within.  Always knowing that what I am seeking is also seeking me. How divine.

This is goodbye Mr. Love... for real, for real!  There is nothing left to say except I wish you well, be safe, find joy and take care.

SOLO NAVIGATION

I do not feel alone in the world.  I haven't felt alone in a long long time.  My loveship is ending.  Try as I might, there is no resuscitating something that is dead.  Hanging on to the bitter end is bitter.  We try to salvage love because we can recall when it was good; or when we were willing to let things fall by the wayside, because it (those little annoyances, quirks and personality flaws) were seemingly small and unimportant to the overall health of the loveship.  Now those things are enormous and makes us crazy to no end.   

I don't mind the solo navigation.  I even like it a lot!  The only feelings to consider in my decisions, are my own.  Oh, I am not anti relationships, quite the contrary, I am more open to loveships more than ever. There is a great deal of value in connecting with someone, being committed to someone else and caring about their well-being.  I want that fully in my life again.  Its not enough to love someone.  There has to be shared language, shared goals, shared forgiveness and shared joy.  Nothing can thrive and grow under oppression, sadness and insecurity.

So I am suiting up again, dusting off my wings, checking my controls, tightening my seat belt, putting on my captain's cap and I am off.  There's a big world out there and whatever I am seeking, is seeking me.

UN-DAY: THE EX' NUPTIALS, MOJITOS AND NEW REVELATIONS

The last week has been a very interesting week.  I had so many emotions (some that I was fully expecting).  He is remarried.  The children looked beautiful in their formal wedding attire.  Gosh how they grow up right before your eyes. 

My Sister-friend JB came over Friday evening, the day before the Ex's nuptials.  She came riding in on a white horse with MOJITOS! YES! MOJITOS!  Just what I needed.  I posted that happy event over at www.eatdrinkdivorce.com

I had planned a day that was a totally UN-day(unstressful, un-wedding, un-kids, un-mess)  I didn't want to tie his nuptials to anything that I did.  I did not want to mark the day with anything that would keep "Us" connected.  I wanted it to be ordinary.  I had a plan.  Then Mr. Love hijacked them.  I was not considering him, he said.  I was making plans without thinking of him. SIGH.  So we made an inclusive plan.  A lovely brunch, a picnic and time together. OK LISTEN FOR THE TRAIN WRECK: We never got to the planned day.  We got into an argument which is just one of many in a series of fights that seem to be all my doing...so he says.  I lack so much...discipline...consideration...care...concern of another person I say I want in my life.  Yes there is a great deal of truth in all that.  More truth than I first realized.

Here's the NEW REVELATION: Perhaps I am choosing fear over love. And in choosing fear I am losing out on a grand love. There is love between us. True, deep and abiding.  He is patient and I've been scared. We need each other.  He recognizes it and I run from it.

INSIDE LOVE BABZ'S HEAD WITH A PHOTO OF MY HEAD

I was checking out one of my favorite Sister bloggers Laurie of Not Just About Cancer where she had this post up. I decided I wanted to post on this too! So here goes!

Saying "NO" to:

People wasting my time

Doing shit that I don't want to do in the first place

A life without real partnership love

Doubt

Worry

Fear

Saying "YES" to:

Love

More LOVE

Good Food

Fine Wine

Amazing Sex

Fun

Living the best life possible by my own design

Giddy About:

Stepping out on faith to launch new projects

Listening to my kids talk to me about their day

Working out EVERYDAY!

Scared Of:

Running out of time

Wasting time

Being stuck on stupid

Deeply Inspired By:

People who work hard and still find love and laughter

My friends who are dreaming big

My Sister Lo

People who do not make excusses about why they aren't doing something

Obsessed With:

Vegan lucious desserts

Writing

Dreaming about my life

Working out EVERYDAY!

In Love With:

High thread count egyptian cotton sheets

Fine wine with a grand but simple meal

My kids sleeping peacefully

The wee hours before daybreak

Daybreak

Haunted By:

May not find that Love Supreme partner

NOT Working Out Everyday!

Saved By:

My 4 beautiful children

God's good and kind grace

Reading

Writing

Thinking

Music

And You?

INWARD...

I am feeling very introspective today. Where am I?

I am having that free-falling backwards feeling. I can't seem to get my bearings. I can't seem to stand on firm ground in my life. I am anxious and argumentative. I am short tempered and I am uneasy. Tired. Very tired of being underneath struggle. I've been at war too long and I am ready to come in from the raging storms. I've been in battle for too long. I am losing my ability to feel soft. I am losing my ability to see love. I am becoming distrustful of my own thoughts and feelings.

There is too much noise in my life from all directions. I am constantly being talked at. I am losing my ability to elevate my mind from the chaos of my life. I am tired of being told what to do about the most mundane of things. I don't give a shit about dishes in the sink. Not today!

WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT? WHO THE HELL DO I WANT TO BE?

God I wish someone would be kind to me. Take care of me. Make everything alright for me... just for today. I want someone to mind the children while I nap. Make the lemon water without asking me first. I want someone to love that I am quiet and brooding and not constantly asking me what's on my mind! I want someone to crawl in bed with me and just start fucking me... without a whole lot of conversation. CAN I HAVE THAT! PLEASE!

Who am I really? and what do I want? what matters to me? and how can I keep moving forward with grace? What would a better Me look like? And could someone just come and love this Me? AS Is? Do I love this ME as is?

Inward once again for the true answers. Maybe I've relied too much on the external. Maybe.

SPA. SISTERSHIP. JOY.

Yesterday I spent the entire day at the spa with 3 women. One I've known for many years the other two I just met. Truly just met, The Good Witch (her name is the same as the Character from the Wizard of Oz) from the East in The Financial Mama's office (she does my taxes---she coordinates the spa days) and Sister-Atty who I met as we were putting our things in the car for the ride to the spa. WOW!

You know I am a big believer in what is needed always comes. God has always had a very unique way of talking to me. Sometimes its a burning bush..by way of a crisis of some sort to get my full attention, but most often he speaks lovingly through angels. Angels that gently whisper God's blessing to me, reminding that I am on the right path. Saturday I was in the presence of 3 angels that I know had a direct message from God for my ears and spirit. The day was easy, and profound. I got to enjoy the gifts of fellowship with Sisters in way that I hadn't done in a long time. It was the making of a beautiful connection. I was supposed to be with those women on that day. We laughed, we talked, we spoke seriously, we goofed, we shopped, we ate fine food, we sat by the pool and rested.

We rested. Not a deep rest, but a catch-your-breath kind of day, where there was no pressure to rush anyone, shuttle anyone or be anywhere except in a robe and slippers.

This is the beginning of a lasting sistership! SPA DIVAS UNITE!

WHAT AM I DOING? SERIOUSLY?

He is not the one.

I know this because I spend more time piecing my heart together than I do sharing my heart. He doesn't get me.

He doesn't understand me. He thinks if only I would CHANGE. He doesn't call it change (accept order, discipline, moderation). I would be more to his liking if I would CHANGE. He could love me fully if I would only CHANGE.

I am not against change. I am against this never-ending audition. I just can't keep dancing backwards in heels. Maybe this why I have given up the Tango. Maybe on some level I am tired of ill-matched expectations. I am tired of constant criticism masquerading as care and concern. I am not willing to settle for less than AMAZING! I want someone who just likes being with me as is. And is in line with allowing me to decide what a better me would be. I want someone who trusts that I can grow and blossom in my own right. I want someone who understands that I am always a work in progress...a woman in transition. I want someone who knows when to shut the fuck up.

All I know is this isn't what I want. This isn't what inspires me, or makes me feel safe, needed, or wanted. All I feel is inadequate...not enough...always wrong. Always begging for affection and closeness. Always having closeness dangled before me...If you do this... I will love you. If you adopt my changes than I will love you. I've jumped through enough hoops in my life and I am not good in a box. I live for the extraordinary that sometimes plays out as chaos. It's all good.

So what am I doing? Seriously? I want this to be something that it can't be. I hoped for the best. For a few moments it was the best. It was a love supreme. But forever simply means for as long as anything can last. So I am letting go. Pulling up. Getting off the train. Turning off the music. He is not the partner/companion/lover/husband for me.

So the parting of company is at hand. Another sweeping goodbye to a man I loved and hoped would love me.

A GIFT...GIFTS...GIFT.

Sometimes the gift has a larger meaning than originally thought. What we call into our lives based on what we think we need can show up but with a different message entirely. Love is not illusive. We only have to welcome love in, that's it...its not about time. It's about welcoming love in. Those that hold steadfast to ideals and laws and views to live a life instead of living life is sad to me. I have lost much in my life...friends, family and things. I have gained much in my life, friends, family and things. I have learned that this moment that I draw this breath is more precious than what tomorrow could bring. Peace in my home and in my heart is not predicated on everyone and everything being quiet. I am at peace in the midst of noise and chaos and drama. I am not moved by it. I do not need absolute physical peace...it dwells from within. I am not a beast for order. I am not felled by chaos. Disorder and chaos can often lend itself to creativity of the highest order. I am a woman of dual existence of heart and mind. I reconcile this everyday at every instance. It does not trouble me in the way it might for some. It has served me well and I have made room for this existence. I feel deeply and I think deeply. I am logical and emotional. Chaos and peace...however, more peace these days than chaos.

I am grand in my thoughts, deeds and actions. I give with a big heart. I do more than what is required and asked for. I make no apologies for this larger than life existence. To some that may seem over the top...grandiose. To those that say that, stay in your smallness and let your light be dimmed. For me I seek the richness and brightness of the sun and the moon. YES I DO BELIEVE I CAN DO AND BE AND HAVE EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I SET MY HEART AND MIND TO. The world is mine and I am the world. I love that.

This life is one of joy and happiness and living with a full heart. I care not for ideals or laws of nature or anything that shows up as an excuse not to grab the brass ring. I am rooted in this moment with breath in this body. Carpe Diem has to be the order of the day!

I appreciate the small graces of life. The small kindnesses that connects us one to another. A smile, a hug, a note to say "hello I miss you", a single rose given because a dozen would be too much said and not enough to give in love. The balance is not in the giving but in the receiving. Receiving with grace and tenderness. The gift in and of itself is not important. To give one a gift says I am thinking of you and wanted you to have this small token of my affection because I thought this thing would bring you joy. Many find receiving hard and want to dissect the meaning behind the gift, accepting it with trepidation and suspect. Nothing breaks my heart more than that.

I am not an easy woman for anyone who needs absolute control. I am not a simple woman, I am not a dull woman, I am not a quiet woman. I am however a gift. I am a gift that requires opening everyday. I am an ever changing gift. GOD made me this wonderful gift full of mystery and whimsy and grandness. It is not open at your own risk or to your detriment...it is open and embrace love and joy.

AND JUST LIKE THAT...POOF! GOODBYE.

It has been an amazing summer. I fell in love with someone I've always loved. So much passion and fire and tenderness and laughter and happiness. This was and is my summer of HAPPY! He came in and reminded me how sweet love can be. We are not slated for eternity but we will love each other forever. He has his path and I have mine and in these lovely moments we crossed, connected and loved sweetly and passionately. Now we are moving along and apart.

I am thinking about myself differently these days. I've had a taste of what a loveship could be and I want that for myself. I need that for myself. To be loved by a good man is divine. I want to be wanted and needed and adored and cared for. I want to be considered above all others. I want to be waited for. I always knew I had a great capacity for love. I can feel the energy of love surging through my veins. Yes I have lots of layers and walls and barriers, but for the right man...the divine right man, there lies an oasis...strong, true, faithful and abiding love. I cast my pearls before enough swine...God knows I have! This summer has given me a chance to see myself in Love's mirror and I liked it. I loved the touching of someone close, I loved waking up with someone dear to me. I loved holding hands while we slept. I never had that kind of connection with anyone. I want that. I've seen the beauty in it and I want that.

So here I am contemplating my dating life. A life that did not not seem possible before this summer. But now I am ready. REALLY READY to step out and be some one's love. This Stella definitely got her groove back! I am not skiddish about sex with someone or being seen naked, my passion as a woman is not only intact but bubbling over. I have rediscovered my sensual self. I owe this reconnection to this summer. My smile is brighter and wider, my heart is joyful and I happily step into Love's light. I know that the man for me is on his way. This summer has returned to me the gift of passion and intimacy. I have spread my wings and soared!

Down separate paths we go to find our heart's desires...

And just like that... POOF! Goodbye.

The Love Story comes to an end.

I CAN ROAR... BY FLUTTER

My very beautiful Blog Sister, Flutter penned this beautiful poem on her blog... Flutter, Dark & Dvine It moved me so. I just had to repost with her very kind permission. ENJOY!

I can roar
August 13th, 2009

Humility, they say

be humble, do not express

your pride

But I am done hiding

my light

I can bake

a motherfucking cake

In an apron that says

laissez les bons temps rouler

(it rhymes if you say it right

so just try to say it right

because I won’t correct you anymore

because I used to

and that shit is rude)

I am made of humorous things

mostly directed at myself

but damn if I am not the best friend

that you will ever know

my heart, this big and wounded thing

well shit, bitch…it loves you

and some days

oh some days

it needs to be held in the palm

of your hands and cradled

because I am not always so strong

I am a brainy girl

and my hands are just like my mother’s

beautiful

strong

they build things

pictures with words

things with yarn and beads

and fabric and fluff

things that are nothing

things that matter

they hold yours in tough times

and reach out when they need

sometimes

I am talented

I am good

I deserve the things I’ve denied myself

and instead of sitting

and waning

pitching pathetic

I can roar

CLOSE TO HEAVEN IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I know what I want. I cannot stand in this life right now and not now clearly what I want. I want to live a certain way. I want a life filled with love and harmony. I want to share my life with someone who gets me on a great many levels. I want to share my life with someone who gets my jokes...gets my thoughts, understands my pain and loves me all the same.

I cannot hold someone Else's baggage. I cannot wait until someone solves their problems. I cannot wait until someone is sure about me. This may seem selfish... and it is on some level. I know what I need and want. I can't love someone through their journey or process of discernment. Yes I can cheer them on. I can send up prayers on their behalf. I can be encouraging. I cannot be the woman waiting in hopes of being chosen as THE ONE.

Life is right now. Not 6 months from now. We are in this space right now. The opportunity to love presents itself in this moment. We all have our choices to make...issues to overcome, wrongs to make right. God sends us what is needed.

God sends us what is needed but is not up to me to prove that. I only have to know that what is needed always comes. Maybe this is a dis-jointed post. Maybe I want to share my disappointment. Or maybe I am being unreasonable. I just know I can't be the woman who is auditioning for some one's love.

See I need him to scale the castle walls for me. I need him to NEED ME with every waking breath. I need him to say he can't sleep without me...can't make the bed without me...can't enjoy his day without the sound of my laughter ringing in our living space. See I can't accept anything less. I've had less and I am not going back for more where there is only less.

Love is enough to move anything thing forward. But there also has to be a willing spirit. Someone has to be willing to take the gamble...make the bet and roll the dice. There is only love or fear.

I don't care to hear that you need space and time to clear your heart and head because the one before me wounded you so. Let go unless you need to wallow in that pain. I am offering joy and peace and harmony and love. I have no drama to bring. I have no secrets, nor am I interested in playing the game of mis-communication. I am not angry or selfishness. All I got is me and a willingness to make it beautiful.

See, I've been close to heaven before and it ain't enough. I want heaven or nothing at all. And trust me, I will let go of you if all you have to offer is close enough.

The Love Story continues...

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: MERRY CHRISTMAS

We are celebrating CHRISTMAS IN JULY! We would have done it yesterday but the children were scheduled to hang out with their Dad for the day. So today it's CHRISTMAS!

WISHING YOU ALL A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS...IN JULY!