Wednesday, March 28, 2012

RaMaDaSa - Snatam Kaur - Love Vibration

This is so beautiful to me.  Sacred. Soothing.  I find myself sitting in prayer and letting this wash over me.

Translation -
Raa- Sun
Maa- Moon
Daa- Earth
Saa- Impersonal infinity
Saa Say- Totally of infinity
So- Personal sense of merger and identity
Hung- The infinite vibrating and real

Life Is Too Short For Temporary Happiness

I want to be happy all the time.  I want to live a joyous bouncy life.  Why shouldn't I? Who says I can't?  And what is the purpose of ongoing sadness and suffering?

What am I willing to do for a joyous bouncy life?  What am I willing to let go of to get what I say I want?  Haven't I asked these questions before?  And yet I am finding myself standing in the questions aisle again.  Why am I not moving in the direction of my dreams?  What am I waiting for?  And I am waiting.  Waiting to start.  Waiting to start eating right, reading more, dancing more, loving more, etc.  I am the Queen of waiting.

I find myself grateful for little pockets of happiness and joy.  I act as though more happiness and joy would be greedy.  I am too concerned with the chorus of doubting thoughts that sit in my mind. Life is too short for temporary happiness.  I want full-time love, full-time joy, full-time happiness.

I am not talking about not paying attention to the realities of my life.  I am clear about what I am up against on a daily basis.  My situation is overwhelming if I allow it to manage me like that.  I have long since given up that kind of desperation. I do live with some anxiety and a bit of fear of the unknown.

I am sure this has to be all about turning 49 in May.  And 50 next year.  There is a sense of running out of time.  I have accomplished a lot of things.  But the thing that I want most is to know and feel and give is unconditional love. I am close in that quest, after all I am a mom.  Being a Mom has grown me into love in ways I had no idea existed.  I was a wife and that gave me a glimpse of stability and vows that could be honored.  There is something more..a love that transcends time and space.  I have felt its magnetic power throughout my life, but could never quite embrace it.  I do believe my love time is arriving.  Like a train, either I catch it or wait for the next one and there's no telling when the next one will come.  So I gotta be ready to jump on this one.

This is what I am setting my mind to:  Full-time living. Life is too short for temporary happiness.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Mrs. Martin I am Sorry For the Death of Your Son Trayvon

Mrs. Martin I am Sorry For the Death of Your Son Trayvon.

I got up this morning and looked at my sons Gregory and Khalil.  All I see are handsome young boys growing beautifully into manhood.  They are funny, silly and charming.  Gregory, 13 has two things on his mind:  food and cologne and of course basketball. And books when I push and I always push.  Khalil, 10 is the most gracious and hospitable kid around... he is a social butterfly in the making. He is goofy and clumsy. The boy has trouble walking, but he can bust a Michael Jackson move like nobody can!  He is a smooth operator.  I love them more than I can say or express.

I know Mrs. Martin felt the same about her son Trayvon.  I am sure she saw a lovely young man who was fun and smart and a regular teenager filled with angst, rap music, cellphones and girls... he was 17 years old.  I am sure she had the same hopes and wishes for her son as I do mine. 

As I stand in the kitchen looking at my sons, I am looking to see if they look menacing, is there something about them that would make someone afraid.  Surely if they saw them smile and laugh they wouldn’t just shoot to kill them.  Surely if they knew them, they would know that they would never seek to harm anyone.  Mrs. Martin must have thought the same thing about Trayvon.

My heart breaks for her and my thoughts drift to the alone moments that must be unbearable.  I can’t imagine her grief, her pain, her wishing to turn the clocks back just 24 hours.  Her child will never again be hanging around the house, or playing his music a little too loud, or in need of jeans...a ride to the mall.

I don’t know what The Martin’s everyday life was like.  I do know that there is a common thread that runs through mothers.  Mothers in Afghanistan, Mothers in the Sudan, Mothers in Israel, Mothers in Palestine.  Mothers in Chicago, New Haven and Florida and so many places in the world where mothers are mourning the loss of their sons.

I cannot make sense of it all and I don’t want to. I am not going to accept this as how it is.  I am not going to accept grieving with other mothers helplessly.  I want to say to Mr. & Mrs. Martin I am sorry.  Every day as I look upon the handsome faces of my sons I will quietly whisper your son’s name... Trayvon.  It will be a daily prayer of remembrance and comfort. 

Babz Rawls Ivy
Managing Editor
Inner-City News
Penfield Communications, Inc.
New Haven, CT

Sunday, March 18, 2012

What Do I Know About Love So Far?

It must be because I am creeping closer to 49 and next year 50! Maybe it's because I've done a lot of things... a lot of foolish things supposedly in the name of love.  I spent way too many days and nights crying and wringing my hands over mess.  I have done men wrong as the day is long.  What did I care about their hearts?  I wanted what I wanted and then I didn't want them anymore.  How immature and tired.  I have been a fool and gambled too much with the cards I was dealt.

Marriage was truly an oasis in the dessert.  It saved me for a time and now that has long since ended.

What do I know about love so far?  What can I can look back over and really define, defend and detail what I know about love?

I am going to leave this here to hang in the ether.  I am going to give this real discernment.  I am going to take this to prayer.

I do not have a cut and dry answer for this.  I wish I did.  It is complex as is my life.  It is transitioning as is my life.  It is evolving and expanding as is my life.  And yet it remains constant as love wants to do and be.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Everlasting Love - Rufus feat Chaka Khan

This one of the sexiest songs ever.  It's smoldering and simple and oh so powerful. Just the right song to lap dance to... yes I said it! LAP DANCE!

When I feel you dreaming
I think of sunsets
How high my high gets
I wanna give to you an everlasting love
I fill your life with a satisfying love
All you need is an everlasting love
All you want is a satisfying (mystifying) love
Sun breezes, moonlight teases
Friendly invasion
Late night persuasion
Each time you pass me by
You saw me fade away
I'll give you more each day

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Do I Matter To Myself ?: Discerning My Commitments & Promises To Myself

"You have to matter to you, keep your promises to yourself, so you can trust yourself enough to live your dreams." Coach Julianna... excerpt from Mastin Kipp's post over at the The Daily Love
(If you haven't discovered The Daily Love run over right now and immerse yourself) 

I was dragging my feet about reading the latest post from The Daily Love, for no other reason other than I wanted to wallow in my bullshit a bit longer. I rolled over in my bed this morning and reached for my iphone to check my emails (after my morning prayers of course). I was feeling very spiritual so I thought I would stay in that vibe and read up on all the spiritual & motivational stuff I get emailed on a daily basis.  As I read this particular post I was immediately blown away and had to sit up and re-read the post.

There are promises and commitments that you COULD make to yourself, but you don't. And you don't keep them because you don't value your dreams. But, if there was a financial incentive, most of us would probably be able to bust through the b/s beliefs we have that hold us back from our dreams. SHIT! This is God talking directly to me.  I am not surprised by that (God is always talking to me), what does surprise me is the clarity of the message... the absolute right message that address my funk!

WOW!!!!!  One more time:

There are promises and commitments that you COULD make to yourself, but you don't. And you don't keep them because you don't value your dreams. But, if there was a financial incentive, most of us would probably be able to bust through the b/s beliefs we have that hold us back from our dreams. 

Is that true?  Why yes it is. And here's more....  We've told ourselves SO many excuses that we no longer trust ourselves. So part of living our dreams, part of taking your power back, part of earning freedom is trusting yourself. So what are the promises you are making to yourself and breaking? And what is the long-term effect of not keeping your word to yourself?

Damn.  God is right there.  Speaking. God is speaking very clearly to me.

One of the secrets to FULFILLMENT AND HAPPINESS is embracing short-term pain to produce long-term pleasure. This means keeping promises to yourself, so you can feel better about yourself, so you trust yourself, so you can show up to yourself and BELIEVE in yourself, so you have the POWER to make your dreams come true!

So now that I know that I know.... 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Fear Of Sharing: How I am Unreliable

I am spending too much time alone. I am a social person and I am a reclusive person.  I have to stay mindful about finding balance.  I can go long periods of time without hanging out with anyone.  I avoid activities because I can't be bothered.  And yet I love connecting with people. I love laughing and talking and being in companionship.

I can't seem to put my finger on this part of me. I know I struggle with intimacy and closeness and sharing my feelings.  Could this be a part of that? I never connected the dots until now.  Mr. Love's main criticism of me is I don't share enough, I am not forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings. Uugghh!  He is right. Am I making a great enough effort to be more open and transparent? As I am excavating my deepest emotions I can see fear as the foundation for my intimacy issues.  I know I am afraid of giving so much of myself away that I won't have anything left.  And the more I reveal, the more there is to dislike. Aha! The more I reveal, the more there is to dislike.  The more I share the more there is to dislike. WOW.

Here's my thinking, if I continue to share my feelings, then Mr. Love (or anyone...friends...potential lovers) would see my weaknesses, flaws, shortcomings, ugliness. I would be exposed, too naked and unlovable and subject to rejection. This is the bogey-man in the closet: rejection! unlovable!

I can see where I can be with people for short periods of time and then disappear. I can pop in and out of people's lives as I like.  I can see that I do this because in my mind I am not allowing them to know me fully and deeply.  Time spent is wonderful and then off I go like a thief in the night.  When I show up again, I am missed and folks are happy to be in my company.  The problem with this is I miss out on deeper connections.  I miss out on intimacy. I miss out being with people through all facets of their existence, joys, pains, love, loss and I in turn deny them the opportunity to be there for me..  I am unreliable. Sure if needed I will show up.  I am talking about the mundane showing up.  I am talking about being unreliable in the ordinary day to day living. I have created a great distance between the love I say I want and the love I am willing to give.  Being present means willingly showing up and standing in the gap. I have let my fears create a whole way of existing that doesn't give me what I want at all, on the contrary it does the opposite.  I am alone in a world full of people! I am alone even in the midst of great friends, family and a man who is doing his best in loving me.

What to do with this new revelation? I will move as God would have me.  It is said that once you know better, then you must do better. My awareness calls for immediate action.  The action I need to take moving forward can't be half-assed.

Today I become reliable.

Monday, March 5, 2012

My Lenten Journey 2012: What Am I Willing To Leave Behind?

What am I willing to leave behind?  This question goes beyond this Season of Lent.  This is truly a life changing question that is perhaps the foundation for any change that I make moving forward.

Whether its old habits, toxic and stagnant relationships, or mundane average thinking.  What am I willing to leave behind?  Can I be truly be honest with choosing the things that I must let go of in order to live free?  I have done a great deal of self-analysis over the years on this blog.  I have dissected myself for the world to see, but even with some of that, I have been hard-pressed to let go of all the things that keep me stuck.

Truth-telling is hard work.  Standing in my mirror and really looking into my heart and mind is no easy task.  I can easily be too harsh, or go too easy.  I can see what I want to see or I can focus on the worst parts.  There has to be a balance and  for me, getting to the balance is the biggest challenge.

This Season of Lent I am committed to asking what am I willing to leave behind in order to begin anew?  What can I let go of and never return to?  This simple Christian question is a life question indeed.  Perhaps this is my age old question underneath all the other self-awareness questions that beg me to answer... Who am I and what do I want?   Maybe the question moving forward is Who am I to God and what does God want for me?  Is this an aha moment?  I am thinking so.  I am feeling like this moves me into a different direction away from thinking about me alone, and into thinking of myself as a community. Hhmm, will save this thought for another post.

I am taking to prayer today, the overarching question of what am I willing to leave behind?  I need divine guidance on this. I don't want to hastily rattle off a list of things I think I could let go of.  I want to move as God would have me move.