An Extraordinary Life Examined.
Notes and views on being an EX-Wife, Mother, Felon and Citizen of the world. This is my personal journey of how I am moving forward with grace and tenderness.
I am one for resolutions. I like to set the tone for the year. I like to have something to hold onto starting the year anew. 2013 is pivotal...it is shaping up as the year of TEAM BABZ! Yes. 2013 is the year of running down my dreams. Opening my arms to love. And being the very best Babz on the planet.
Life is too fucking short to waste on bullshit. And I do mean bullshit.... like relationships that have me exhausted, tired and just unfulfilled. I WANT MORE! BETTER! MO' BETTER! So in order to have that, I gotta step up my output. I gotta put myself in line for all the good things to come my way. I have learned the lessons before me. I have contemplated my being. I have welcomed the epiphanies that have often been contrary to what I was holding in my arms.
2013 is the break out year. The year of WINNING!. The year of VICTORIES!
My State is mourning today. We have lost our children, our teachers, our friends, neighbors, loved ones.
I have no words to describe my pain. My soul cannot hold this grief. Too many senseless acts of violence that I can't wrap my brain around. Loss of life, here and abroad pains me deeply.
I said I hated running, because I thought I couldn't run. And when I started to run...and stayed with it, I still wouldn't allow myself to love it. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be any good at it, or that I was too heavy. I kept saying out loud I hate this, I really hate this, to cover myself when I quit. You see as long as I kept saying it aloud, then when I do quit those around me would see my point and be in agreement and not challenge my bullshit.
The fear is always in being challenged on my bullshit. The bullshit is the excuse I use or give that keeps me from whatever I say it is I want, be it running, artistic pursuits, writing a book and falling and being in love.
Running is a right-in-my face-dare-me-to-quit-a-dream-effort. I have always wanted to be a runner, but didn't dare allow myself the chance to do it. Oh I tried many years ago and quit. I quit because I had no plan, no goal and no direction to it. Running is giving me a new way to see my life. I have accomplished a great deal of things, but I can see where I have quit things and people before I gave them a chance. I can see the fear. The thinking was let me give up, before it, they or them quit me.
Bullshit has its own energy, and if not checked will become the way in which decisions in your life will be made. I see it in mine.
Running is giving me a great gift. I am seeing my life with new eyes. The places where I thought I couldn't, running is showing me I can. This is more than possibility thinking, this is I CAN DO thinking! I am no stranger to this. The challenge lies in my intimate self, the deep places that no one sees or has access to. It is time to give access to the deepest reaches of my heart and mind and soul. The richness of my life isn't on the surface. The deep scary places of my soul is where the treasure is. I have been so afraid to go there my entire life. Now I am running there and there is nothing for me to do but to keep running towards my life. I am checking my bullshit upfront. I am checking my bullshit first.
The Fear dragon is a formidable foe and God has given me all the tools I need to defeat the fears that seemingly chase me. I am changing directions and running on toward victory!
Jada Pinkett-Smith: “The War on Men Through the Degradation of Woman” -
"How is man to recognize his full self, his full power through the eye’s
of an incomplete woman? The woman who
has been stripped of Goddess recognition and diminished to a big ass and
full breast for physical comfort only. The woman who has been silenced
so she may forget her spiritual essence because her words stir too much
thought outside of the pleasure space. The woman who has been diminished
to covering all that rots inside of her with weaves and red bottom
shoes.
I am sure the men, who restructured our societies from
cultures that honored woman, had no idea of the outcome. They had no
idea that eventually, even men would render themselves empty and longing
for meaning, depth and connection.
There is a deep sadness
when I witness a man that can’t recognize the emptiness he feels when he
objectifies himself as a bank and truly believes he can buy love with
things and status. It is painful to witness the betrayal when a woman
takes him up on that offer.
He doesn’t recognize that the
[creation] of a half woman has contributed to his repressed anger and
frustration of feeling he is not enough. He then may love no woman or
keep many half women as his prize.
He doesn’t recognize that
it’s his submersion in the imbalanced warrior culture, where violence is
the means of getting respect and power, as the reason he can break the
face of the woman who bore him 4 four children.
When woman is lost, so is man. The truth is, woman is the window to a man’s heart and a man’s heart is the gateway to his soul.
I found this on Facebook and was so moved that I just had to post it here. I have no idea who the author is... her name is listed at the end. This is DIVINE and I can't stop reading it. I want to become the very last paragraph; that's the woman of my dreams.
DEAR BROTHERS: If you want to change the world… Love a woman - really love her. Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen. Hear the names, the prayers,
the
songs of every living thing-every winged one, every furry and scaled
one, every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering
one, every not yet born and dying one… Hear their melancholy
praises back to the One who gave them life. If you haven’t heard your
own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough. If your eyes
aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet, you haven’t
ever grieved having almost lost her. If you want to change the world… Love a woman - one woman beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety and all your
superficial concepts of freedom. We have given ourselves so
many choices we have forgotten that true liberation comes from standing
in the middle of the soul’s fire and burning through our resistance to
Love. There is one Goddess in every woman. Look into Her eyes
and see-really see if she is the one to bring the axe to your head. If
not, walk away....right now. Don’t waste time “trying.” Know that your decision has nothing to do with her because ultimately it’s not with who, but when we choose to surrender. If you want to change the world… Love a woman. Love her for life -
beyond your fear of death, beyond your fear of being manipulated by the
Mother inside your head. Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her. Say you’re willing to LIVE with her, plant trees with her and watch them grow. Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable
majesty, by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion. If you want to change the
world… Love a woman in all her faces, through all her seasons and she
will heal you of your schizophrenia-your double-mindedness and
half-heartedness which keeps your Spirit and body separate-which keeps
you alone and always looking outside your Self for something to make your
life worth living. There will always be another woman. Soon
the new shiny one will become the old dull one and you’ll grow restless
again, trading in women like cars, trading in the Goddess for the latest
object of your desire. Man doesn’t need any more choices. What
man needs is a Woman, the Way of the Feminine, of Patience and
Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing, of breathing in one place and
sinking deep intertwining roots strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin. If you want to change the world… Love a woman, just one woman. Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel. Love her through her fear of abandonment which she has been holding for all of humanity. No, the wound is not hers to heal alone. No, she is not weak in her co-dependence. If you want to change the world… Love a woman all the way through until she believes you, until her
instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion, her wildness
have returned to her ... ... until she is a force of Love more powerful than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her. If you want to change the world, lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs. Lay down your inner war, righteous anger and Love a woman…beyond all of
your striving for greatness, beyond your tenacious quest for
enlightenment. The holy grail stands before you if you would
only take her in your arms and let go of searching for something beyond
this intimacy. What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered through the heart of the feminine, in man or woman? What if a man’s Love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine is the key to opening Her (and His) heart? If you want to change the world…Love a woman to the depths of your
shadow, to the highest reaches of your Being, back to the Garden where
you first met her,to the gateway of the rainbow realm where you walk
through together as Light as One, to the point of no return, to the ends
and the beginning of a new Earth..." To be a man and love a woman like this, she must be the kind of woman that *could* be loved like this. A woman leading her body, her life with trust, compassion and
willingness. A woman that values, honors and allows her vulnerability to
be witnessed, plunged into, ravished ... A woman who communicates,
stands in her center and opens herself wider, and wider ... and wider,
again. She sings her song and dances her dance in full confident
feminine expression - And she honors him, his dance, his direction - yet
ONLY because she honors her feminine and His masculine purpose
NATURALLY fulfills her... "Here" - she knows she is home... -Lisa
Citore
I am standing in the gap of here and there; a space that solely exists in my mind.
It is exhausting working this hard to be and stay in love. No one talks about the work. The being quiet as to not engage a fight. The endless and incessant talking about our plans and how to move forward. Less and less attention to sex and more and more talk. Listening with real attention to hearing and understanding.
There is no other way to real lasting love except through communicating, putting someone before my own shit and extending the olive branch all the time. It can't always be champagne and chocolate, but that's what we all sign up for. The easy stuff, hot sex, fun times and lots of laughter. We never want to be mean or feel mean.
I am working through my spoiled bitch undertones. I am cultivating my inner Goddess.... I want to be loved. I have to be LOVING! I have learned that there is more to life than just good times. Man I have seen and experienced my share of mean shit. So at this point in my life if my heart calls for love, then I gotta be at my best....make my best effort.
I am standing in the gap of here and there. I see where I want to be. I am standing in the space with open arms overcoming my bullsit and allowing someone to love me.
Love is about allowing. I am exhaling and letting the love come in and wrap around me. Of course there is a price....every fucking thing has a price. What are you willing to do for love? I am answering with every thought, movement, words spoken, deeds, action; I am answering YES! I am struggling with the answer of YES with everything! Because I am used to answering with no with nothing.
This truly is a time of amazing growth, contemplation and love.
I am too concerned with lack. Too focused on what I don't have that will make my life better. Crazy.
The life I get to love right now is better than anything I could have imagined! Where I am and what I have is just right for now. I am my true love.
I am my true love. No one compares or comes close to the love I need to give myself. Everything else is just settling for the real thing. I am the real thing!
I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS LIFE... THIS BREATHE..... THIS MOMENT!
Of course I love the the original Lauren Hill version... but this is LUSH. Smokey...deep and oh so fine scotch. Just the right mood for a fire and a drink.
Breath of life, You ride the waves of life with me in the rhythms of my communion with you. You enter the comings and goings of each day and in every prayer I breathe. Whether I am in the stillness of quiet prayer or in the fullness of the day's activity, may your peace flow through my being.
I am in the midst of a full blown BACK SLIDE. I am doing shit that does not bring me to my goals. I am going against what I say I want.
It started with the little conversations about go ahead you deserve it... get more, you don't want to die tomorrow and have it be known that you went without the very pleasure that stirs your heart.
Is this weakness or simply being human? Am I ashamed? Can I recover? What the fuck am I doing?
So close to success and here I am blowing it. Acting like I am some newbie. Acting like I don't deserve to win.
The weight of my life becomes unbearable and the aloneness is almost too much. God if I have to crawl into that lush king-sized bed one more night alone.....
Throwing up the big "L" for LOSER. This is how I am feeling, how I see myself right now.
I know it is fleeting. I am aware of my feelings. I am not running from them. I am not trying to bury them. I am merely acknowledging their existence.
Moving on. Back on track. That's how love goes. I pick myself up, dust myself off and champion another day. I am fully aware that back sliding is real, but not the end game. I can wrestle this emotion and remain a champion of my life.
Holding on to the bullshit that floats through my mind is under my control. I don't have to chase the negative thoughts. I can pull up and move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION... E.N.D.
I am not fast. I am not concerned with how far I go. I focus on one step-at-a-time. I work to connect my breath to my thoughts. I seek rhythm.
I Just finished week 3 of training for the 5k. Saturday starts week 4. It is mind-blowing that I have been training for a 5k. I do not love or like running. What I do like is the sense of accomplishment of getting it done. This morning I was so relaxed and so ready. I was not concerned about it being hard. I ran without my usual music pumping. I just wanted to be in the moment with God, my breath and the sky. This is sacred. This is sacred and I am understanding that. It is more surrendering than running; God is directing and I am moving at the command of the wind.
“I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion'.”
―
Muhammad Ali
This is MY FAVORITE Quote! it speaks to me on so many levels and for so many reasons. I do want to live the rest of my life as a Champion (and I get to define Champion).
My first pair of REAL
running sneakers! I went and got measured and had a great conversation
with the guy who sold them to me. I went to my local Trailblazers.
I like that store very much, they made me feel so comfortable. I
initially went to DSW but I was overwhelmed with the shoe selection and
didn't want to choose a shoe that wasn't right for what I was about to
do. Anyway I got the Brooks Adrenaline GTS 12.
And thanks Big Mark for the running advice and the sneaker advice. I did spend over $75 and I am glad I went for quality!
Tomorrow is W2D1 (week two, day one) . There is no thinking only running!
On facebook I am friends with so many fitness minded and fitness focused Sisters that I am inspired. I saw the founders of Black Girls Run! on some show and I thought YES!
So it's W1D3 (Week 1 Day 3) and I feel good. I bought the app for my iphone. I like it. I feel connected, focused and COMMITTED!
I refuse to turn 50 in May 2013 and remain in this state of poor health. I have serious health goals that I want to accomplish. I want the second half of my life to be fit. I want to be vibrant and I want to be HEALTHY!
I am looking to buy my 1st pair of quality running shoes. I am reading, and learning about how to be a good runner. I am all in and I love it!
And yes I have been loading up my ipod with great running music! LOL! Shoot! I was running to "Warm It Up Kane", by Big Daddy Kane. LOL... Old skool for sure!
I'll periodically post my progress. I like the direction God and I are taking my life.
There is no going back. There is no need to remember what now dwells in the past. I live and thrive in the here and now. Trying to drag myself back to a time of great drama, uncertainty and pain is outrageous. What is the point of that?
Five years ago I went off to prison. So what. It is not an anniversary that needs celebrating. I don't have the same need to remember high school graduation, college graduation, graduate school graduation, the adoption dates of my children. I don't remember my divorce date. But I am quick to drag myself back to October 2007. As if I am not punished enough. I am acting as if I am not sorry enough. I am acting as though I could be more sorry if I tried. I am acting like I must bring it to everyone's attention lest they forget...lest I forget and they have to remind me. But nobody's reminding me. I am doing that.
I am letting this go. Today is true liberation day. It is behind me.
"I don't think being truly human has any place for
guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no. Contrition means you tell God
you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off
afresh. All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right. Guilt
means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your
breast and being ego-fixated. Guilt is a trap. People love guilt
because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what
they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and
splashing. Contrition, you move forward. It's over. You are willing
to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken from the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.
Five years ago today, I was preparing to self-surrender to Danbury Federal prison Camp. My sentence was 30 days in Danbury, 5 months house confinement, and 3 years supervised probation. That is all behind me, all of it... probation being the last and that was completed 2 years ago.
On the night before I had to self-surrender, my best friend Ron, called me from Austin, TX where he was attending a work-related conference. He called me around 10:00pm to check in to hear what the game plan was and to see what else needed to be done on my behalf and my children. I let him know that all was done, everyone had their script, My ex would be moving back tomorrow and all the teachers and church family had the plan in place to support the kids and their Dad in my absence.
I thought that would be the end of our conversation... I thought an hour was good to fill him in and to assure him that I would be OK. He wouldn't get off the phone. He wanted to talk some more. He was nervous about me going (like other people he had a very TV based perspective of what prison would be like.... I admit I had that Hollywood sense too). So we talked some more about everything, politics, college pledging our Greek organizations, graduate school (which he recruited me for years before I actually applied and got in!). We used to do these marathon phone conversations, when we were neighbors! In those early days of friendship we would talk on the phone for hours and we lived next door to each other!
By the time the sun started to rise, I finally had to hang up. But before I did, he wanted me to be brave, be my charming self, that this will be over soon and that no one had more resolve than me. And that he loved me.
His friendship has been the most rewarding friendship of my life outside of my immediate family. He has been the most honorable man I have ever had the good fortune to know. We traveled together, we have laughed together, we have sang together. We have enjoyed a friendship that is stronger than most marriages.
He has been for me a great love of my life. He has been the father I wished I had. He has been the protective big brother. He has been my Knight in shinning armor on so many occasions. He has stood by me when so many just walked away... including my then-husband. He has never judged me. He has never been ashamed of me. He has been my biggest fan, cheerleader and confidant for well over 25 years.
I have never met a man of such honor, nobility and humanity in all my life.
God has been unbelievably good to me...sent me a friend for all seasons.
Fall is here again and I couldn't be happier or more sadder. I have LOVED the last few Summers... warm weather has seduced me.... won my New England heart over. But I gotta say, the crisp air is divine. Having my bedroom windows open letting in the night air is perfect as I pull my down blanket closer (I sleep in a down blanket all year long). I am like Charlie Brown's friend Linus... the blanket is my security
This time of year has so much significance for my life... October is so full of all kinds of anniversaries and memories. I take it all in, the good, the bad, the miserable, the sad, the celebratory and the divine. i could easily use the coming October as my time for resolution... a time for contemplation, a time to be still and watch the leaves fall fall fall.
A sense of hurry hurry slow down. Slow way down. Time to start cocooning and making soups, and checking children's coats. Asking and checking who has outgrown last year's coat? And looking to see who gets the hand-me-downs and can I afford to get all new coats for everyone? And oh dear more boots and socks and mittens.
With the fall crisp air that is so divine brings with it, the spooky oohhhs.... the things that used to frighten me. Nothing no longer has that power at least not at this moment. All I seem to want to do is burrow. I like that feeling.
The crisp air feels so divine. Breathing in is magical, breathing out is the prayer. God's presence is all around.
I have been working with a trainer since April...a week before my May 2 birthday. I just decided to give myself the gift of time and commitment. I decided that I have to make a real effort to make my health a priority.
It does HURT. It does take TIME. It does require DEDICATION. It does require WILLPOWER. I am making HEALTHY DECISIONS. It does require SACRIFICE. I am pushing myself to the MAX. There is TEMPTATION. BUT I AM DETERMINED TO REACH MY GOAL.
Kicking the door down in my own life. Taking my hustle to center stage. That has to be the new rallying cry. I got to act like there is no tomorrow because there ain't.
I have wallowed. I have triumphed. I have wallowed again. Life is meant to be lived. You are supposed to win and lose and win and lose. Lose and win, lose and win...time and time again.
There's more to this life of mine. I am sure there will be more loses along the way and more winning too! I've got a tool box full of ways and means to weather the roguh times, celebrate the good times and share with those on the way.
I am for the BIG LOVE! Days and nights of joy and bliss, circus and sanctuary. I am happy being both loud and calm. I am at peace with being silly and serious. There is no fighting that paradox anymore. There is only the invitation to whomever wants to come in. There is nothing easy about loving me. There is nothing hard either. I am.
There is a real grounding peace that sweeps over me as I let go of things, people and thoughts that have tethered me to a potential life not well lived. I intend to live well right now in this moment; always staying in this present moment. It is easy to fall backwards, we speak our truth from the past, on what we have learned. I am tired of remembering and trying to prevent what happened before. Doing that, thinking that keeps me forever in the past. My breath is in this moment.
Being conscious isn't about finding fault. It is about knowing who you are in this moment...the next moment...moment by moment. Being conscious is about noticing God in the ordinary comings and goings of the day. Being conscious is liking who I am right now... not the me of 20 odd years ago, or the me next month after I have dropped 20lbs, or the me next week as I get ready to step out to a gala.
I am cleaning up my house of friendships and acquaintances, both in my real everyday life and here at my virtual home, my blog. I am saying or have said goodbye to folks who do not serve my spirit. It is time to align myself with people who think positively, act positively and move in the world with real gusto! And maybe you are doing that in your life, but it's not feeling that way to me.
I am judging people (we all have to judge people in order to decide who to keep around and who to let go of), however I am not condemning anyone. I just can't keep reading, discussing, or hearing the same bullshit that does not grow my spirit. I am tired of my same old bullshit. If I check you out and dig what you have to say and then find you are still saying the same shit day in day out, I gotta go. It's not about you, it's about me. It's about what I need and what I gotta do to get myself further down this road. If I am still stuck in my mess then you should drop me too. I am beyond being entertained by other people's messes and drama. I am seeking to grow into spiritual maturity. I am seeking to clean up my act and become more of what God would have me be. If I keep reading and listening to mess and crap and the same old, tired run-down excuses why their life isn't working, or their love interest is not feeling them, or they are going back for more where there was only less anyway, then there's no moving forward. This is not to put down anyone's journey or self-discovery, I gotta walk my path and stay in my lane. Hanging around hoping other folks will ignite my fire is not a plan.
We are each connected to one another, with valuable lessons to share and get from each other. Sometimes we spend lifetimes together, and other times its brief... fleeting.. minutes.
Taking the profound advice of FLOTUS Michelle Obama... don't bring people into your life who weigh you down. I am losing weight.
So if you feel hurt, or angry or annoyed at me for dumping you. I am sorry. I gotta go. Thanks for all that you brought to me for the journey thus far. I hope I brought something special to you too. But it's time to move on.
I don't like the term LOSER! But I understand the concept and truth be told, I can easily point to a few, if not all of these in my own life. SOOOOOO.... time to clean up my act!
I have no shame. The best way to live the life of my dreams is to have clearly defined goals. Yes, even I with all the shit I am currently juggling must be focused about getting from A to Z.
Tomorrow a new plan takes shape! REALLY TRULY YES!
This last break-up finds me quite happy. There is sadness around knowing someone is hurting and have some anger toward me. I am not hurting or angry at him this time. I am holding to the belief that each encounter, each relationship with anyone is meant to teach me the lessons needed for the journey ahead.
What have I learned from this? Oh so much, once I stopped forcing my circle self into a square existence. We don't attract what we want...we attract who we are. Cool. I can see that. I can see that I have WORK to keep doing. I like his reflection of myself...some of it. The stuff I didn't like, the stuff that showed up in our interactions are the things that need my attention. I finally understand that. His nagging and whining that drove me crazy are the challenges I gotta face in my own life. His petty, mean-spirited name-calling was his, not mine and though he liked to call me out on it....the reality is that's his work to do for himself.
I know who I am. I am beyond being manipulated. I am beyond being made-over to fit an ideal. I am always transitioning. I am always seeking to grow and to become more of what God has intended me to become.
The man suited for me... made for me... created for me, seeking me... will find me.
This last relationship brought me closer to what I say I want than ever before. That is a win! That is divine!
I feel that my heart's desire is just an introduction away. I am closer to real readiness and I have him to thank for that. Had he not shown up I would still be trying to define a loveship. He helped craft a definition that included needs and wants and fairy-tale. As I look back over the last 3-4 years of struggling, celebrating, starting and stopping with him. It is clear, I was carving out a definition of love in action for myself.
I get it. I am understanding how life works sometimes. It is all about lessons and learning and moving forward. And what you don't get you repeat. If I am not living the life of my dreams that's my deal. And my dreams are what I say they are. I am responsible for the keeping and pursuing of happiness. I am responsible for becoming the love I want. I am the love that I want!
The Course In Miracles says: Only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.
I am making changes from the inside out. I am not into fads, or potions. I am however putting health first! Over the next year I am spending time on my health! I have been working with a trainer since late April.
I turn 50 next May 2, 2013 and I want to be back to my fightin' weight (that is my personal best and a damn secret for now!)
It is time to focus on internal health of mind, body and spirit.
Time to nurse this old heart of mine. Time to re-imagine my life. Time to clean up and clean out all the places I have been putting off. Fall is coming and I want to be ready to snuggle in peace.
I'll be back. This is home. This is my love.
Yes... time to tend to creating the life of my dreams.
Someone asked if they could pull a card for me...a Tarot reading. They were practicing for an upcoming party and could use the practice time to prepare. I said yes, provided they didn't tell me any scary shit, and they could only tell me good news. The card pulled was 8 Pentacles Reversed. Now I am not sharing the intimate details of the reading, but I can share what this card means.And I must say this speaks volumes of where I am right now.What I find stunning is the accuracy of the reading and the timing of the reading. My life is changing.
Eight of Pentacles (R) - You could be going about
things the wrong way and need guidance - be willing now to listen to your
"inner" voice. Your own impatience is creating this frustration
and these unfulfilled ambitions. You can not take shortcuts to success -
proceed in the proper way - attend to details and utilize your
organizational skills. There must be order and trust - prudence and wisdom
are the qualities of "not pushing" to make things happen, not
resisting or holding back - but flowing naturally with the direction being
presented. When your ambitions are limited or your view point is too near
sighted, when you find that you are too concerned about your
"ego" and image - recognize that these surroundings provide the
sense of "false security" which is causing you to want quick
results and not to be content to work and learn in the proper manner.
Feelings which result from unsatisfying work, a job or career which calls
for no skills, no personal involvement and no pride in the work that is
being completed.
. Questions to Answer: What are you working on preparing ahead of
time? What skill or craft are you learning? What details do you need to
examine and take care of? How can you create a regular time and place to
work? What preparations do you need to make? What are you doing to take
care of your health and well-being?
Am I spiritually maturing? Am I growing in my faith or am I just spinning my wheels hoping for miracles and not doing the work to walk closer with God?
I feel this kind of examination needs its own blog. It's own place where it does not have to compete with the day-to-day bullshit romance of my life. I have been thinking about this a lot.
I find myself calm and peaceful in some areas of my life. In other areas I am unglued.... banshee-esque. I want to have a peaceful life where the world does not wear me down. I want to live a peaceful life where I am not moved by the mess of other people's lives. I am not talking about being removed, remote, reserved. Maybe it has nothing to do at all with other people.
My struggle is with God and about my walk with God as my friend and redeemer. The real struggle is with moving in that direction and away from the trappings of the world... all the material shit that I covet, hoard and just like looking at, dreaming about and lusting after. Maybe this is where spiritual maturity begins, owning my materialistic desires and deciding that they carry no more weight.
My faith walk toward God is becoming very important to me. It is growing in me and I am allowing it take root.
So I am sure a blog is coming. I can feel it. This one here will always be my baby. My heart is calling for something more.
The only way to get good at anything is to be committed to it. Anything I say I want I have to be committed to going after it, achieving it and sustaining it. There is no fairy Godmother who will come in hand me a life of my dreams with a wave of a wand and pixie dust.
EVERYTHING of value, substance and desire requires a commitment. I have to be confirmed in my mind that what I say I want I really do want. And I have to move my ass in that direction. Meaning I have to more than just make a cursory effort, I have to bring it! This is where I have been full of shit. Announcing all my wishes, hopes, dreams, wants, needs, desires, yada, yada, yada. And then I just leave the announcements to hang in the air without any real commitment to see things to the end. Hell, some of the things I say I want I haven't even put effort forward to accomplish them.
The change happens in my own heart and mind first. God has been whispering to me from birth my destiny. There is no more wallowing in the bullshit of my on-going, rational excuses.
There is no secret to my heart's desires.I have to take a cue from Mary Mary and go get my blessing(s).
That means meet the day with gusto, prayers and meditation. It means working out and getting fit. Treat my temple as a temple and quite polluting it. It means keeping my spirit stirred on righteous thought. It means be kind instead of being right. It means operating from a place of love all the time.
Commitment is like a muscle... you gotta strengthen it!
There is no easy or hard, only a change and shift in perspective. 49 is fabulous and ripe with truth-telling.
As I yet again do the same bullshit I swore I wouldn't do, the most amazing thing happened. I SEE IT! I GET IT!
The change I so deseparately want is right here and right now. Change doesn't arrive on wishes. I must act on the things I say I want.
As I was getting myself ready to whine about another failed attempt at one-thing-or-another. I decided to open myslf to prayer. Dear God help me... help me help myself be all that I am going to be.
There are things that have to go to God. In my life, God is important and real, but I
have not fully turned over my ills to God. I don't know why, maybe its ego; I can do it myself. Or maybe I am afraid of laying everything down....what would I do?
This is the long awaited moment. This is the walk forward no looking back moment. Perhaps I have been here before and was afraid to step, maybe the brass ring has come and gone many many times and I was too afraid to reach for it, jump at it. There is a readiness in my spirit that is bursting forth whether I embrace it or not. I am called to embrace it.
This is the moment that is calling to me. There is only answering the call. There is only embracing this moment.
Time for asking the question of readiness is long past. There is only accepting and embracing. God has already said I am ready. God has breathed life into me ready. All this time I thought I was preparing to step into my destiny. The fact is I was already prepared.
Moving forward there is no more asking who am I and what do I want.
This moment calls for acting with all deliberate speed.
I love this song. My mood is begging for this song.... There is indeed something out there I can't resist.
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Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White (Brown) skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
these dreams in the mist
Darkness on the edge
Shadows where I stand
I search for the time
On a watch with no hands
I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
But all I remember
Are the dreams in the mist
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
Is it cloak 'n dagger
Could it be spring or fall
I walk without a cut
Through a stained glass wall
Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
And words that have no form
Are falling from my lips
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
There's something out there
I can't resist
I need to hide away from the pain
There's something out there
I can't resist
The sweetest song is silence
That I've ever heard
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth
In a wood full of princes
Freedom is a kiss
But the prince hides his face
From dreams in the mist
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
I am in a mood and it ain't pretty. I am not angry, but I am damn close. I feel drained, sucked dry and invisible. There is not one person or thing or situation I can point to as the sole cause of my mood. I am the architect of my malaise.
I have to take back my life and the care thereof. I have to set a better pace for myself and become a lot more selfish. I am quick to tell a sister-friend to put herself at the top of her list, and yet I consistently find myself at the bottom of mine.
Not dealing with identifying my needs keeps me a slave to other peoples needs only. I am not saying that I won't cater to the needs of those I love. I need to add my needs to the mix and carve out time to fulfill them. Acting all stormy is not the way to be and doesn't get my needs met.
Directing my anger at folks for asking me for what they need is my foolishness. How can I be mad at that? I need to be more like that...ask for what I need. I can articulate the finer points on most anything under the sun, but when it comes to what I need, I lose my voice. I am at a loss as to what it is I truly need.
This revelation leads me to modify the question of who am I? And what do I want? To I know who I am, so what do I need? Getting to the heart of what I need in my everyday practical life will squash the resentment I have toward folks that ask me to fulfill their needs. My deal isn't with folks asking me and depending on me. My funkiness lies in my internal neglect of listening to where I need attention in my own life.
I have come to understand that when you slay one dragon, eventually another will show up. The devil doesn't just take a loss and move on. The Devil will bring the weapons necessary to win. The Devil isn't some unknown being. The Devil lives within, always looking for opportunities to take over. In my experience he doesn't show up in moments of weakness. The Devil shows up after a win, smooth sailing, shit going your way. If the devil can knock you down from being on top of the world, you will do the rest of the work to destroy yourself without the devils help. We become our own assassins if we surrender.
The devil whispers, and seduces and slips into your unconscious mind... you can't do anything, you're not good enough, you are weak, you are dumb, you lack in things that everyone else has--beauty, intelligence, grace.
I have slayed many a dragon. I have become very good at fighting back. I hoped to not have to fight anymore. I held fast to a romantic fantasy that has nothing to do with the truth. My truth is, I have demons. They lay dormant waiting and hoping I lay down my sword. I fooled myself into thinking that I could walk the world without my tools to protect me. I thought if I just believed in love that I would be free and safe. Being in love and walking in love and living for love is just one part. There are other parts of love... to work for and fight for.
Love is work. Love is worth fighting for. Love is not docile or tame or meek and helpless. Love is precious enough that I must stand brave for it. What would I do for love? Would I do anything? Love attracts all the best, all the light, all the joy. But it also comes with the worst, the darkness, the fear. Love is a choice.
To slay the dragons and beat the devil, I have to choose. Everyday I have to choose as if yesterday's choice did not exist.
I Love Love Love Brenda Russell and this is one of my FAVORITE songs! I am dedicating this to my Sweetheart who is making his way back to me. I miss that Man more than I can say.
Being 49: Remembering my life and asking questions
It is breath-taking to remember over my life. I am not doing it in a morbid way. It is really just taking a sweeping look at everything...where I've been, what I've done, who I have loved, and what's next. I can't say I have regrets about too much. Yes, there are some, but I am a woman for the here and now. I am very rooted in the now.
Even as I look back at the archives of this blog, there is real growth and depth. There is great joy and pain. I started this blog in pain with nowhere to go with this pain but to this blog. I have shared my progressing loveship. I am still amazed at how my heart just answers the call to love and be loved.
Am I becoming the woman of my dreams? Am I making enough love in my life? There are days when I feel out of time. There are other days when I am so alone that it makes me sick. And there are days when the peace of the house when I am here alone is just the tonic I need.
Being 49: My sexual wisdom.
I love making love after midnight and then again just before dawn. My sexual desires are as strong if not stronger than when I was a much younger woman. I am not in the experimental stage... I know what I want, like and need in a lover. The best way to seduce me? ... write to me...sing to me...create something for me. I am a woman of sensual delights...I am delighted by the senses. Want me for eternity, give me breathing room, but come home at night. There are still ghosts that linger around. I do my best to make them at home. They no longer scare me. In my loveship I am growing to love being held from behind (not to be confused by being fucked from behind..which I love by the way). I am becoming comfortable with someone wrapping me in their arms and not feeling like I am going to suffocate. I can talk about commitment and not start to sweat.
Being 49: The on-going, ever challenging, long-standing conversation with my head, heart and spirit. Always in transition. Always in love.
Perhaps I am responding to the changing landscape of my life; the desire to stop desiring things and people that don't make sense. I am shutting up more these days, because people don't need or want advice, they mostly want validation for the continued foolishness of their lives. You know, always finding themselves in the same mess, with the same people in the same go nowhere relationships as if they had no hand in it at all! I know this because I have lived this in my own life. Being 49 comes with clarity... hard earned and hard fought for clarity and truth.
I am moved by the lateness of the hour to examine my heart and mind without benefit of a fine wine for company. I am sober and calm. All is as it should be in my life at this moment. I'll leave tomorrow's changes for the good morning.
His behavior of not seeing our kids is not a newsflash. He has done this before. Again this is not about him. What I must do now is to begin the process of talking about disappointment with my kids. They are of the age where I no longer can sprinkle fairy dust on their Father's behavior. They have eyes and they are smart. They are starting to see how things are. What they do not have is a reference point for how to process what they see and how it makes them feel. They also are not privy to the whole truth of things. So I have to teach them about how to manage disappointment and still maintain love for the one who disappoints you.
This is my work to do in my spirit. Manage my disappointment of my Ex as well as the overall disappointments of my life. However way I handle this, it does becomes the lessons I am teaching them. If I allow the disappointment to become larger than life in my everyday life, then they will internalize that and that will be the lessons I am teaching. This is my teachable moment about truth, love and the reality of what I see and experience on top of what I feel. I cannot allow them to be ruled solely by their emotions. I cannot be solely ruled by my emotions. There has to be a balance and real truth telling that allows them and me to find that balance. I do not mean the truth telling that requires me to tell them every bad thing about their Father... his actions alone will do that. What I am talking about is the truth that we are all human, we all make mistakes and that we all benefit from undeserved grace. There is no blame, there is only owning your own messes and doing the best you can to manage your life. And I do mean manage your life and allowing for all the experiences that come with living... joy, pain, sorrow, happiness, love and disappointments and fears.
If I do not manage my disappointments right now and teach them to manage theirs, they will begin to look for their father in every relationship they have moving forward. They will unconsciously try to fix in those coming relationships what is not theirs to fix. They will play out this drama over and over again and not understand why they keep ending up in the place of lack and unhappiness. I am not saying I can save them from unhappiness. I can however model for them a behavior that they can absorb as a tool moving forward. This thinking and action helps them manage their being in the world and not reacting to the world. It helps me become more the Grown Woman of my dreams.
It is so easy to allow myself to go back down the road toward mess. My Ex is being his classic self and I refuse to respond to it. I refuse to feed into. I refuse to sink to that level.
I own my mind, heart and soul. I get to decide how I want to feel or behave in any situation. I am choosing peace. As I look back on our history together it is filled with him always going for the jugular. Always drawing blood first. He is who he is and I accept that. we are no longer wedded to each other. He has a new Mrs. Not-Me. This isn't about him and what he has done to me. This is about me staying in grace and truly knowing that I control my being.
I have learned that people need you to stay in your role so that they remain in theirs. When you break out, it creates a shift. The shirt forces everyone in the vicinity to look at how they are living. I get this. So when my Ex does his hot-headed thing, I used to add to the drama by meeting him in that space. He could depend on me playing my role and it gave justification to why he was doing what he was doing (treating me like shit, walking away from the kids for periods of time). I have no desire to be that women doing that dance with him. I have no desire to remain tied to that mess. I see it for what it is and I am not seduced by trying to get him to see my point. I am not interested in getting him to see things my way. I am not interested in repairing his relationship to the world. Yes I did a lot of heavy lifting in that marriage for all the wrong reasons and at the expense of my own personal growth and faith walk. I had no idea what love could be and should be like. I, like so many folks had a fairy tale notion of happily-ever-after. I had no idea of the real intimate work that is required.
Wait I did have an idea of love. My intuitive self called for it. I saw glimpses of it and I was and am drawn to a deep and abiding love. A love that begins from within. My inner-light attracts love. I believe that is how I became a mother, I attracted these children. This is how I am falling and growing into love with JMD. He already carries this light of love and has been waiting for me to mature and join him. Indeed, I am running toward us!
It is stunning sitting at this vantage point and seeing life unfold. I have had the tests, now I am learning the lessons. It's not about him, or them, or they. It's not even about my Ex. It is about me and God. It is about a fullness and richness to my life that I design and create. It is about clearing my mind of clutter and allowing love to fill all the spaces.
It is not about him at all. My heart has no desire to engage anyone at the dramatic level (unless you fuck with my kids, then I'll have to cut you). I am not holding onto any perceived wrong-doings. The role I want for myself is one of peace and joy and love. And the only way to get it is to behave my way there.
I am always blown away when I take a step forward and God takes several more toward me. Of late I have been thinking about being still and calm in my spirit as I interact with people. I heard Deepak Chopra talking to Oprah say he hasn't been mad, or upset or argumentative with anyone in 30 years. I was intrigued by that, more so I wanted to know how does he do it? I understand. He made the decision to live a certain way and he doesn't allow folks to pull him out of his zone, his space, his peace. My sweetheart has the same personal conviction. I want that too.
No sooner than I said that, the universe opened up and sent me all kinds of tools. First the lesson, then the test. That is how God works! Without going into detail about what brought me to this revelation (which is a first because I tell just about everything). This time I didn't want to give that mess the impression that it had any importance. I have come to realize in a very real and personal way that if I choose wisely how not to respond to things, people and events, that I can and will remain peaceful. And that when I make a decision NOT to respond to foolishness then the place of where the foolishness is coming from stands alone in that mess. You see, as long as I change my role, the situation changes, and the place of foolishness just hangs in the air. I DON'T HAVE TO DO SHIT!
I have much work to do. I like this new found gift. I am already looking for ways and places to embrace this thinking. I can be an activist for sure, but I can also be peaceful in my spirit. The call to action can be answered in other less obvious and habitual ways that have kept me hostage to things, people and places. I can behave a different way. I can own myself wholly. No one can draw me into a gun fight.
I am laying down my weapons of mass destruction. My weapons becomes my balm and I no longer have to be afraid. I can speak of love without fear. WITHOUT FEAR I CAN SPEAK OF LOVE. I CAN BE LOVING.
I am feeling very spiritual and serene. This is is for the Cool in Me... I get it.
...Then I have to do something different. I have to think differently. I have to act differently.
Hope is not an action plan. Yes, hope has it's place, but hope is not enough. All that I need to do rests in my heart and mind. I must spur myself into action. I am spending too much time depending on external forces to motivate me. I am not against that. I am a believer that I must keep my spirit stirred up. I must stay in that place of moving forward. What I am lamenting is my inaction or half-assed action on matters that I say are of meaning to me. Oh this is starting to sound like whining. I hate whining.
Here's my deal: I have great goals, plans and dreams. I am implementing a great many of them, but I am stuck on others. There is real fear deep inside of me. I thought I was done with being afraid. I am learning that some fear is good and other fear paralyzing.
I know how to press on, but I swear I am stuck. its the kind of stuck that traps all the good ideas and good goals that I say matter to me. Shit. This is whining. OK maybe I need to whine to make myself sick of it and then just press on. Press on without thinking. And when I say press on without thinking, I mean not over-analyze my steps. I am so good at talking myself out of a good thing. This is where I find my stuck-ness. My fine mind has become a tool of the enemy UUGGHH! My mind is working against me and I am letting it. I am doing too much thinking and not enough DOING!
If I want something to be different.... I gotta think differently. It requires paying attention to the garbage that creeps in and starts dueling with my power thoughts. Why am I willing to event have this internal fight? I know better don't I?
It is all in the choosing. I have to be deliberate in choosing to be focused, steadfast and motivated. I dropped the ball this morning. But I can absolutely pick it back up and press on. The day doesn't have to be lost because I went to bed with a plan and got up this morning and didn't execute it. The day isn't lost. That's the new thinking right there that is required. How did I loss sight of this?
Doing the
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