Friday, September 7, 2012

Once I Stopped Forcing My Circle Self Into A Square Existence

This last break-up finds me quite happy.  There is sadness around knowing someone is hurting and have some anger toward me.  I am not hurting or angry at him this time. I am holding to the belief that each encounter, each relationship with anyone is meant to teach me the lessons needed for the journey ahead.

What have I learned from this? Oh so much, once I stopped forcing my circle self into a square existence. We don't attract what we want...we attract who we are.  Cool.  I can see that.  I can see that I have WORK to keep doing.  I like his reflection of myself...some of it.  The stuff I didn't like, the stuff that showed up in our interactions are the things that need my attention.  I finally understand that.  His nagging and whining that drove me crazy are the challenges I gotta face in my own life.  His petty, mean-spirited name-calling was his, not mine and though he liked to call me out on it....the reality is that's his work to do for himself.

I know who I am.  I am beyond being manipulated.  I am beyond being made-over to fit an ideal.  I am always transitioning.  I am always seeking to grow and to become more of what God has intended me to become.

The man suited for me... made for me... created for me, seeking me... will find me.

This last relationship brought me closer to what I say I want than ever before.  That is a win!  That is divine! 
I feel that my heart's desire is just an introduction away.  I am closer to real readiness and I have him to thank for that.  Had he not shown up I would still be trying to define a loveship.  He helped craft a definition that included needs and wants and fairy-tale. As I look back over the last 3-4 years of struggling, celebrating, starting and stopping with him.  It is clear, I was carving out a definition of love in action for myself.

I get it.  I am understanding how life works sometimes.  It is all about lessons and learning and moving forward.  And what you don't get you repeat.  If I am not living the life of my dreams that's my deal.  And my dreams are what I say they are.  I am responsible for the keeping and pursuing of happiness.  I am responsible for becoming the love I want.  I am the love that I want!

The Course In Miracles says: Only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation.




4 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

Sometimes it is that simple... be the thing that you want in your life...

I have never thought that being specific about your desires made anymore of a difference than the intent behind your actions. I think that they are both integral to achievement and that once you make inroads on one, the other will come to you.

The more you refine yourself as a person in one area, the sharper the things that you also need to work on will be in contrast to your growth. Patience is not the act of waiting as it is the doing of one thing and allowing its growth to develop...

You will be the one that you want to love... and then the love that wants you will come into your life... Belee dat..!

Moanerplicity said...

As positive as this post reads, I sense that in some ways you are STILL seeking that ideal relationship... when perhaps the real & only ideal relationship is the one we forge, regenerate & evolve into with one's self. No one is going to give you the love/respect/care/protection/
honesty/consideration we do not give to ourselves first. No one but GOD that is.

Also, every person we meet, befriend, engage with or we choose to make a part of our lives leaves behind a shadow, an impression or a ghost that lingers upon our spirit. That may be lesson, a caution or an affirmation.
But whatever it may be, it's right that we keep learning & growing from this, & then like a sharp in the ocean, just keep it moving.

*ponder*


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Lovebabz said...

I do so appreciate the wise council of Men...
Thank you both for being so supportive and steering me into calmer waters.

I am profoundly grateful for your attention.

Moanerplicity said...

Umm... DUH! I MEANT like a "SHARK" in the ocean. Damn these freakin' meds! lol.

And you're quite welcome, my Lovely Sista.

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