There is no going back. There is no need to remember what now dwells in the past. I live and thrive in the here and now. Trying to drag myself back to a time of great drama, uncertainty and pain is outrageous. What is the point of that?
Five years ago I went off to prison. So what. It is not an anniversary that needs celebrating. I don't have the same need to remember high school graduation, college graduation, graduate school graduation, the adoption dates of my children. I don't remember my divorce date. But I am quick to drag myself back to October 2007. As if I am not punished enough. I am acting as if I am not sorry enough. I am acting as though I could be more sorry if I tried. I am acting like I must bring it to everyone's attention lest they forget...lest I forget and they have to remind me. But nobody's reminding me. I am doing that.
I am letting this go. Today is true liberation day. It is behind me.
"I don't think being truly human has any place for
guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no. Contrition means you tell God
you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off
afresh. All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right. Guilt
means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your
breast and being ego-fixated. Guilt is a trap. People love guilt
because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what
they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and
splashing. Contrition, you move forward. It's over. You are willing
to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken from the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.