Tuesday, June 5, 2012

True Love Tuesday: It's Not About Him At All

It is so easy to allow myself to go back down the road toward mess. My Ex is being his classic self and I refuse to respond to it.  I refuse to feed into.  I refuse to sink to that level.

I own my mind, heart and soul.  I get to decide how I want to feel or behave in any situation.  I am choosing peace.  As I look back on our history together it is filled with him always going for the jugular.  Always drawing blood first.  He is who he is and I accept that.  we are no longer wedded to each other.  He has a new Mrs. Not-Me.  This isn't about him and what he has done to me.  This is about me staying in grace and truly knowing that I control my being.

I have learned that people need you to stay in your role so that they remain in theirs.  When you break out, it creates a shift.  The shirt forces everyone in the vicinity to look at how they are living.  I get this.  So when my Ex does his hot-headed thing, I used to add to the drama by meeting him in that space. He could depend on me playing my role and it gave justification to why he was doing what he was doing (treating me like shit, walking away from the kids for periods of time).  I have no desire to be that women doing that dance with him.  I have no desire to remain tied to that mess.  I see it for what it is and I am not seduced by trying to get him to see my point.  I am not interested in getting him to see things my way. I am not interested in repairing his relationship to the world. Yes I did a lot of heavy lifting in that marriage for all the wrong reasons and at the expense of my own personal growth and faith walk.  I had no idea what love could be and should be like.  I, like so many folks had a fairy tale notion of happily-ever-after.  I had no idea of the real intimate work that is required.

Wait I did have an idea of love.  My intuitive self called for it.  I saw glimpses of it and I was and am drawn to a deep and abiding love.  A love that begins from within.  My inner-light attracts love. I believe that is how I became a mother, I attracted these children.  This is how I am falling and growing into love with JMD.  He already carries this light of love and has been waiting for me to mature and join him. Indeed, I am running toward us!

It is stunning sitting at this vantage point and seeing life unfold.  I have had the tests, now I am learning the lessons.  It's not about him, or them, or they. It's not even about my Ex.  It is about me and God.  It is about a fullness and richness to my life that I design and create.  It is about clearing my mind of clutter and allowing love to fill all the spaces.

It is not about him at all.  My heart has no desire to engage anyone at the dramatic level (unless you fuck with my kids, then I'll have to cut you).  I am not holding onto any perceived wrong-doings.  The role I want for myself is one of peace and joy and love.  And the only way to get it is to behave my way there.


Big Mark 243 said...

This was something that I have been looking for someone to say about themselves for quite a sometime. I was wondering if anyone who spoke about their lives and relationships, for the good or not-so good, would come to this realization!

I am not going to ramble on because you have done most of the rambling already! I know that this was a very charged post and that you had to get it out not just for yourself but for the universe!


Her Side said...

I reached a similar place in understanding the rift between me and my mother. I started preparing mental notes yesterday to write about it soon.

It is so beautiful to understand - truly understand and embrace - that only we can control ourselves. Our behavior is never about the other person... only what the other person reveals about US.

Lovely post, but I wouldn't expect anything less from you. lol

Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful post...truly beautiful.

MzTrayJay said...

I love your insight...it inspires me to look deeper within myself.