I am in the midst of a full blown BACK SLIDE. I am doing shit that does not bring me to my goals. I am going against what I say I want.
It started with the little conversations about go ahead you deserve it... get more, you don't want to die tomorrow and have it be known that you went without the very pleasure that stirs your heart.
Is this weakness or simply being human? Am I ashamed? Can I recover? What the fuck am I doing?
So close to success and here I am blowing it. Acting like I am some newbie. Acting like I don't deserve to win.
The weight of my life becomes unbearable and the aloneness is almost too much. God if I have to crawl into that lush king-sized bed one more night alone.....
Throwing up the big "L" for LOSER. This is how I am feeling, how I see myself right now.
I know it is fleeting. I am aware of my feelings. I am not running from them. I am not trying to bury them. I am merely acknowledging their existence.
Moving on. Back on track. That's how love goes. I pick myself up, dust myself off and champion another day. I am fully aware that back sliding is real, but not the end game. I can wrestle this emotion and remain a champion of my life.
Holding on to the bullshit that floats through my mind is under my control. I don't have to chase the negative thoughts. I can pull up and move in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION... E.N.D.
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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1 comment:
Hmm... so many ways to interpret this post... so I will go with the most direct interpretation... health and wellness!!
It is going to take a while before it gets to be something that you sincerely enjoy... but as long as you have your motivation, it will eventually become a habit.
Count EVERY step towards success and FORGIVE for each regression... one day you will simply be counting and forgiveness will recede into the background... there if necessary but something that you have moved beyond..!
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