Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Being 49...

Being 49: Remembering my life  and asking questions

It is breath-taking to remember over my life.  I am not doing it in a morbid way.  It is really just taking a sweeping look at everything...where I've been, what I've done, who I have loved, and what's next.  I can't say I have regrets about too much.  Yes, there are some, but I am a woman for the here and now.  I am very rooted in the now.

Even as I look back at the archives of this blog, there is real growth and depth.  There is great joy and pain.  I started this blog in pain with nowhere to go with this pain but to this blog.  I have shared my progressing loveship.  I am still amazed at how my heart just answers the call to love and be loved.

Am I becoming the woman of my dreams?  Am I making enough love in my life?  There are days when I feel out of time.  There are other days when I am so alone that it makes me sick.  And there are days when the peace of the house when I am here alone is just the tonic I need.

Being 49: My sexual wisdom.

I love making love after midnight and then again just before dawn.  My sexual desires are as strong if not stronger than when I was a much younger woman.  I am not in the experimental stage... I know what I want, like and need in a lover.  The best way to seduce me? ... write to me...sing to me...create something for me.  I am a woman of sensual delights...I am delighted by the senses.  Want me for eternity, give me breathing room, but come home at night. There are still ghosts that linger around.  I do my best to make them at home.  They no longer scare me.  In my loveship I am growing to love being held from behind (not to be confused by being fucked from behind..which I love by the way).  I am becoming comfortable with someone wrapping me in their arms and not feeling like I am going to suffocate.  I can talk about commitment and not start to sweat.

Being 49: The on-going, ever challenging, long-standing conversation with my head, heart and spirit. Always in transition.  Always in love.

Perhaps I am responding to the changing landscape of my life; the desire to stop desiring things and people that don't make sense. I am shutting up more these days, because people don't need or want advice, they mostly want validation for the continued foolishness of their lives. You know, always finding themselves in the same mess, with the same people in the same go nowhere relationships as if they had no hand in it at all!  I know this because I have lived this in my own life.  Being 49 comes with clarity... hard earned and hard fought for clarity and truth.

I am moved by the lateness of the hour to examine my heart and mind without benefit of a fine wine for company.  I am sober and calm.  All is as it should be in my life at this moment.  I'll leave tomorrow's changes for the good morning.

3 comments:

Moanerplicity said...

This was very honest, very open & very much YOU. I don't know if everyone who is 49 & coming up on the Big 5-0 takes this kind of personal inventory, but it's a good & necessary thing to do... this is true most especially when it comes to knowing one's self, what you want, desire, need & what you will or will not accept.

Growth? Mos def! But methinks there's a part of you which remains very much a child, open to new adventures & more discoveries. And that, my Sista, is just as it SHOULD be!

SJ!

One.

Big Mark 243 said...

people don't need or want advice, they mostly want validation for the continued foolishness of their lives

While I will still expound on a particular entry left by someone at any given moment, as IRL, people on the internet often come here to RUN from anything that contradicts their poor judgement and seek out validation for their poor habits and thinking.

As to becoming comfortable with my ghosts... we have been having tea and cake for many, many years. I began doing this back in high school and I have always been at peace with myself. I do not think that this is coincidental.

I hope you got your rest and remain clear-headed for this most important conversation with yourself. If you need a drink, trust that you only need a glass of water! No sweet stuff and definitely no alcohol!! Commit to finding the still lake inside of you and resting peacefully on that lake, continue your ponderings!

Gena said...

It is a blessed day. Each and every day but I won't lie some days are better than others. I give thank especially during the hard days.

One of the things I like about being over 50 is a decrease in allowing gunk placed before me as dinner. Spiritual gunk, social gunk or the gunk of being quiet to get along.

That is a really good place to be in.

Yep, morners are good, late nighters are fine and why pass up and afternoon delight?

May you keep your girl spirit happy as you both cross into the new land.