Sunday, December 9, 2012

Running Towards My Life...Checking My Bullshit

I said I hated running, because I thought I couldn't run.  And when I started to run...and stayed with it, I still wouldn't allow myself to love it.  I was so afraid that I wouldn't be any good at it, or that I was too heavy. I kept saying out loud I hate this, I really hate this, to cover myself when I quit.  You see as long as I kept saying it aloud, then when I do quit those around me would see my point and be in agreement and not challenge my bullshit.

The fear is always in being challenged on my bullshit.  The bullshit is the excuse I use or give that keeps me from whatever I say it is I want, be it running, artistic pursuits, writing a book and falling and being in love.

Running is a right-in-my face-dare-me-to-quit-a-dream-effort.  I have always wanted to be a runner, but didn't dare allow myself the chance to do it.  Oh I tried many years ago and quit. I quit because I had no plan, no goal and no direction to it.  Running is giving me a new way to see my life.  I have accomplished a great deal of things, but I can see where I have quit things and people before I gave them a chance.  I can see the fear.  The thinking was let me give up, before it, they or them quit me.

Bullshit has its own energy, and if not checked will become the way in which decisions in your life will be made.  I see it in mine.

Running is giving me a great gift.  I am seeing my life with new eyes.  The places where I thought I couldn't, running is showing me I can.  This is more than possibility thinking, this is I CAN DO thinking!  I am no stranger to this. The  challenge lies in my intimate self, the deep places that no one sees or has access to.  It is time to give access to the deepest reaches of my heart and mind and soul.  The richness of my life isn't on the surface.  The deep scary places of my soul is where the treasure is.  I have been so afraid to go there my entire life. Now I am running there and there is nothing for me to do but to keep running towards my life. I am checking my bullshit upfront. I am checking my bullshit first.  

The Fear dragon is a formidable foe and God has given me all the tools I need to defeat the fears that seemingly chase me. I am changing directions and running on toward victory!

1 comment:

MzTrayJay said...

Love your transparency...and yes, I'm checking my bs too!