WISHING YOU A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I am putting the blog on hiatus for the rest of the holiday season. I will be back in the New Year! Enjoy your holiday!

In the meantime, Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio will air every Thursday night at 11:00pm est.

Lovebabz LOVETALK debuts

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 12:30pm est "Grown Up Christmas Wishes: What Do Women Want?"

Tuesday December 23, 2008 12:30pm est "Christmas Cheer: What Does That Mean To Anyone These Days?"

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 12:30pm est "I Resolve To Do What In The New Year?"

Call-In 718-766-4895

Come spend 45 minutes of your day with me!

RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO 11:00PM EST TONIGHT

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HIV/AIDS

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CHRISTMAS MUSING & MY GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST

This is my favorite time of year. I love all the possibilities of miracles and magic. I have a pep in my step and I am always singing a Christmas song...songs! My smile is wider and brighter...1000 watts! I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

As I walk through my house and see all the decorations. The Christmas tree, the Santa's, the wreaths and bells and all that red and gold. I am delighted. I love ornaments. I have been collecting them since I was a new bride. I have ornaments from places I've travelled to far and wide. I have every ornament each child has made and I lovingly put them on the tree each year. There is no theme to the decorations...very eclectic. Each year at the end of the season we hunt for bargains on ornaments and decorations for the next year. We set a dollar amount, we buy things that are at least 60-80% off and tuck them away for next year. I think we look forward to bargain hunting more than anything else. We get things that we wouldn't dare pay full price for.

So this is the season of Joy and wonder. I feel it. I love it. I am like a big kid too. I LOVE presents! Doesn't matter what the present is! I love getting gifts LOL!

MY GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST 21-25

DEAR SANTA,

I WANT:

• Faux Fur Throw for my bed
• Bunny Slippers
• Red Leather Gloves
• Martini Bar Set
• Professional Grade Cooking Knives

LACK & ABUNDANCE AND THE GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST

I sat in Church Sunday a bit overwhelmed...to tears. I felt overwhelmed because I was feeling like I didn't have much. I was unsure about what I was going to do about Christmas, about meals for next week about lunch for the children. Bills that have to be paid. On and on and on. I felt like I was on a deserted island with no hope of being rescued. Fears of lack was setting in. and I could feel myself feeling inadequate. I could feel myself doubting my ability to handle things.

A good cry is cleansing. My fighting spirit returned and I changed my mind from thinking lack to thinking abundance. I have so much. I cannot measure abundance with money. I cannot measure abundance with things, trinkets, gadgets. I have to see that I have what I need. And that what is needed will come. Worrying about what I do not have is pointless and disrespectful to what I do have. Celebrating what I do have is divine. I am in my home, the lights are on, the phones are on, there is food in the cabinets, I have running water. My children are not hungry. We are warm and safe. There is nothing better than that.

This is the season of miracles, magic and love. Reminding me that I have the power to set my own destiny and create my own reality. This is the time to look inward and trust that I have what I need to move my family forward. Finding lack in our lives is easy, we are used to focusing on what we don't have. Finding abundance is divine. It forces you to look with an appreciative eye and bowed head. I am keeping the faith and fully aware of the blessings I graciously enjoy. It is abundance that calls to me...in living...in caring...in loving.

MY GROWN-UP CHRISTMAS WISH LIST 13-20
Dear Santa,

I WANT:

• Boundless Sunny Days
• Sexy Rainy Days
• A new cordless Drill with extensive drill bits
• Cool & Funky Socks
• Hats...vintage & new
• A Laptop/notebook
• A Soaking Tub

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: WISHING DOESN'T MAKE IT SO & GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST

Wishing someone to be something other than what they are is not their fault. It is yours. When you hope against hope that someone will magically see the light and act humanely/kindly/lovingly toward you, when they HAVE never been that way is insanity. It is YOU not seeing them for who they are.

When your expectations of someone far exceeds their grasp. You cannot be upset when they let you down, when they are being who they said they are. People tell us who they are over and over and over and over. Why do we choose to see something other than their reality?

I have this problem with not accepting people's reality. I always believe that people are better than they actually are. I always think that people will rise to the occasion and be their better angels at every opportunity. This is not entirely true. It is not true for myself. I cannot live up to my expectations. So what' s a Grown Woman to do? This post isn't about anybody, it is about me and how I move forward in love.

I cannot point the finger to anyone. I am the biggest wishing fool ever! I am at my worst in loveships. I see potential and I wish for that to manifest itself in the object of my desire, even when they themselves are not feeling that vibe. I believe love elevates and therefore makes you better. Yes & no. Yes, if someone is moving along the same spiritual and self-actualization path as I and is open to love. No, if a person is on a different personal trip. Again this about me and how to walk in my truth. I am not suggesting that we accept mistreatment in an effort to accept folks. No not at all. I am suggesting that in our angst for love we are desperate in making something out of nothing...especially when we KNOW BETTER!

This warrants further discernment. SIGH

My Grown-Up Christmas List 8-13:

Dear Santa,

I WANT:

1. A Wine Refrigerator
2. A Spa Gift Card
3. A kitchenAid Mixer
4. Better Patience
5. Maybach...RED
6. A Summer in Provence

RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO 11:00PM EST TONIGHT

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Obama's Foreign Policy Conundrum

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Chat Room opens at 11:00 pm est

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: MAKING ROOM & MY GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST

You know in your heart when things end in friendships and loveships, at work, anywhere you have close ties and commitments. I know the ending of things cause a great deal of sadness and grief. My marriage ending was and is profoundly sad to me. The ending of my crush on My Crush is a different kind of sad. Not life altering....more like auld lang syne.

What I am learning is when you allow the grieving process to run its course and you let yourself feel the loss. Then you begin to realize that the universe is really making room for the next...loveship, job, friendship. It is hard to recognize this as we are ending things because quite frankly it hurts and we feel like we failed on some level. But I say, shift our thinking a bit and think we did not fail, that our loveship, friendship, career choice was what was needed at the time and we got what we needed from them to move us further along in our journey.

As I step back and take stock of where I am at this very minute, I can see my life shifting. I can feel the difference as this year is coming to its end. I am not so focused on what I don't want. I am making room. Making room for all the gifts, blessings and good intentions coming my way...that have come my way. I want to live and love in abundance with open hands, heart and mind. If you are desperately holding on to old wounds and hurts. Let go. Walk out on faith and let the universe open up and make room. There are boundless gifts of joy, love and peace waiting for you.

My Grown Up Christmas List 1-7

Dear Santa, I want:

1. More time to read for pleasure
2. A new house in Atlanta with a great kitchen, and large backyard
3. Commitment to practice meditation
4. A serious committed relationship with LOTS OF SEX (will add this again further down the list) (Santa see Love List for details)
5. Work on knitting---took a class but I am still not good at it...yet
6. More time for my artistic pursuits (theatre, opera, museums, crafts--yes I love crafts)
7. New high end professional grade pots

A GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST....

From now until Christmas I am creating my own Grown-Up Christmas List. I think it will be in addition to my Love List. It is my thinking to truly focus on Love. I have been straddling the old me with the new me trying to emerge. I found myself trying to fit into other's idea of me. Now is my time to fully step into the life I want to live.




Music by David Foster

Lyrics by Linda Thompson

Do you remember me

I sat upon your knee

I wrote to you

With childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown up now

Can you still help somehow

I'm not a child

But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish

My grown-up Christmas list

Not for myself

But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart

That wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts

Every man would have a friend

That right would always win

And love would never end

This is my grown-up

Christmas list

What is this illusion called

The innocence of youth

Maybe only in their blind belief

Can we ever find the truth

There'd be no more lives torn apart

And wars would never start

And time would heal all hearts

Every man would have a friend

And right would always win

And love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list

This is my only lifelong wish

This is my grown-up Christmas list

Hoo---, hoo--

FROM FLUTTER....

Flutter is my blog Sister. I was on a panel with her at BlogHer 08 in San Francisco. We are connected by sexual violence committed against us. We both have created healing blog communities. We are both on this journey toward happiness and completion and love. She wrote this moving post. It speaks to me in such a grand way I knew I wanted to repost it here. She said I could. I am grateful!

I dedicate this to someone dear to me. ((RWT))

I love you, in you know, a completely platonic way….
Posted by Flutter November 24th, 2008

An empty page, a blinding lack of words where always, I have one.

or two.

I draw inward at the scope of this and I wonder how much two people can endure. I wonder how much of me I can inflict on you. I wonder, if you know. If you know how much I truly love you. I wonder if you know how your laughter fills me. How your brilliance awes me. How you are all of the things I am not.

How I can never be all of the things you are.

How I want you. Always, to be filling what is empty in me. What is made for you. I may not always say or show, sometimes my pain is so great that I am afraid to open the door. But I want you in. I want you on every wall, behind every door, in every corner. I want your presence, your smell your love to shake the dust out of all of the dead parts and pull out what is vibrant.

I want your support, always. I always strive to make you proud and come up so short. I am afraid to ask for what I need, not because I think you will not give it, but because I think I am not worth the favor. Before you, no one has ever believed. Not even me. Especially not me. But I am trying. Small steps into the light.

Into your light.

I love you in all the ways I thought possible and even more all the ways I never even considered

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: DISCERNING MORE

I, like a lot of folks want MORE! I want more love, money, joy, sex, good times, clarity...MORE! MORE! MORE!

But what exactly is MORE? And will I know it when I get it...will I be satisfied?

Is it more that we seek? or just better quality of what we have? I mean I have love in my life. I have joy and good times. How could there be more? and what would more mean. What would I do with more. Am I suggesting that I would be more happier with more things, more love, more sex---scratch sex...not having any at the moment. But really, When I say I want more , do I mean MORE? See this is where discernment comes in.

The word discernment is my favorite. I love saying it, I love thinking of it. I love doing it. DISCERNMENT, the trait of judging wisely and objectively. Now add in the definition of MORE, in greater quantity, amount, measure, degree, or number.

So I have to ask myself. Is MORE what I want? YES! Then the next question is what am I willing to do for more? The answer: be more of who I am! Be fully present in my life so that I do not miss out on all the things that MORE is! I certainly can love more, laugh more, cook more, talk with friends more. Getting more is extending myself MORE. It is reaching out further. It is opening my mind and heart wider. It is allowing the light of love to shine brighter.

More is really about me stepping more fully into my destiny. Walking in my own truth and rejecting insecurity and fear. I get this. I got this.

Yes, I want MORE!

CHANTE MOORE...SPECIAL

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I am in love with Chante Moore's New CD...LOVE THE WOMAN. This song is FABULOUS!



RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO TONIGHT 11:00PM EST 347-324-5722

THANKFULLY GIVING

As promised I am passing along the awards that were bestowed on me. Getting is wonderful, but giving is divine!

CLICK on all the links...including the awards to see them.

SUPERIOR SCRIBBLER AWARD
GOES TO:

The Rich House

LadyLee...The Original Old Girl

THE BRILLANTE AWARD
GOES TO:

Writes Likes She Talks

Flutter

THE UBER AMAZING BLOG AWARD
GOES TO:

Princess Tiny Butt

A Southern Thang

Thoughts from The Quiet Storm

TwentyEight30

The Words I Type

Raw Dawg Buffalo

UBER AMAZING...YEP, THAT WOULD BE ME TOO!

My blog Sister Mizrepresent who blogs beautifully over at Miz's Write For Life was awarded this honor and true to her loving and gracious self, passed it on to me. HOW COOL!

Those who know me personally know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE presents, gifts...things wrapped up with a bow! This is a very pretty award and I am thrilled to the moon for it!

THANKS Sister! This has been an amazing couple of weeks...all the awards and accolades.

Trust me I will pass them all on after I quite drooling over them...*smile*

BRILLANTE WEBLOG AWARD...YEP, I GOT IT!

Thanks to my Sister Blogger Angela L. Braden Nuvision for a Nuday

Nuvision for a Nuday is a collection of essays, commentary, and poetry that detail the experiences of a beautiful, brilliant, black woman, who happens to be blind. The goal of this blog is to allow anyone who travels to this site the opportunity to see life and the world we live in through the eyes of a blind woman. So close your eyes, take a look around, and see what you've been missing.

She kindly and graciously bestowed the Brillante Award on me! WOOOWHOOO!

ANNIE LENNOX...COLD

This is one of my all time favorite songs. It is perfect if you have a love jones...crush...or you just feeling it for someone and it's intense and smouldering. You can't go and you can't stay.



"Cold"

Come to me
Do and be done with me
(Cold cold cold)
Don't I exist for you
Don't I still live for you
(Cold cold cold)
Everything I possess
Given with tenderness
Wrapped in a ribbon of glass
Time it may take us but God only knows
How I've paid for those things in the past

Dying is easy it's living that scares me to death
I could be so content hearing the sound of your breath
Cold is the colour of crystal the snowlight
That falls from the heavenly skies
Catch me and let me dive under
For I want to swim in the pools of your eyes

I want to be with you baby
Slip me inside of your heart
Don't I belong to you baby
Don't you know that nothing can tear us apart
Come on now come on now come on now
Telling you that
I loved you right from the start...
But the more I want you the less I get
Ain't that just the way things are...

Winter has frozen us
Let love take hold of us
(Cold cold cold)
Now we are shivering
Blue ice is glittering
(Cold cold cold)

Cold is the colour of crystal the snowlight
That falls from the heavenly skies
Catch me and let me dive under
For I want to swim in the pools of your eyes

RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO

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CHAT ROOM OPENS AT 11:00pm est.

TOWARDS THE END...

I am getting ready to be legally divorced. We have a scheduled court date for mid-December. More than likely I will be divorced before Christmas. My ex and I have been separated for over a year now. But according to him he was unhappy in the marriage for several years. Sigh. I am not interested in his unhappiness now. I cannot fix past things. I cannot fix present things.

I am however sad. I am not rehashing past history. Nor do I wish to revise history. It was an extraordinary love affair...the stuff legends are made of. A compelling story. A story my children love to hear. They love to hear how their parents fell in love and got married and lived happily ever after. They especially love the part when I wished on a star 4 times and viola! they arrived. Charming.

So here I am creating a life that I did not think I would have to on my own. My ex wishes me well....wants to be friends...will always love me...would never find another like me...all others pale in comparison...and yet he has left me...anyway.

I am indeed grateful and blessed for all that I have. The road was never easy. The path was often dark, unclear and treacherous. I am forever grateful for the lamps upon my path. I am not concerned about being in love again or getting married. What is meant for me will not get by me. I believe that. My prayers are for peace in my house and in the world. I am learning new prayers that celebrate joy and clarity and goodness and redemption.

I am a earth mother. A woman who puts down roots. A woman who nurtures. I revel in this new found definition. I am becoming more of myself as I was designed. I am coming towards the end of the marriage, and at the same time the beginning of a new sense of self.

I am getting divorced and it does make me sad. I now must turn my attention to what else is ahead. What new adventures await. I have been prepared...steel sharpens steel!

Towards the end is really the continuation of an amazing story.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: WHAT IS NEEDED WILL COME

What is needed will come. How profound. I am standing still and taking that thought in. I am letting it sink in. I am letting it flow through me.

Often I have to catch myself from forcing an outcome. My first instinct is to try to head off adversity, stress, and worry. I think if I can work things out my way that I am being proactive. WRONG! and you know as long as I hold to that way of thinking I will always have adversity, stress and worry. LET GO AND LET GOD.

What is needed will come. Not what YOU WANT...but what is needed will come. Sometimes what we want is the thing that drives us. Drives us to offer prayers in negotiation with God rather than saying to God, guide my path. God is not a magician however magical things happen when God is sought.

As I look at what lays before me, all my fears and all my challenges in the form of bills, and not enough money and pending legal stuff and tense relationships. I am letting go and exhaling. What is needed will come.

What is needed will come.

SUPERIOR SCRIBBLER AWARD

WOO-WHOO! THANKS to my Favorite Kick-Ass Intellectual Blogger Raw Dawg Buffalo who kindly awarded me the Superior Scribbler Award! Coming from him is an honor indeed. I daresay, I can't imagine he likes my blogging...as I am way too emotional and not enough Vulcan for his taste. I am glad that he thought of me and included me in the very fine company of other folks he bestowed this award on. Go by his site and check out the other hard hitting and very relevant bloggers, and you'll agree, how did I get in this exceptional company of bloggers? LOL!

Thanks Torrance...you are indeed worth your weight in chocolate kisses.

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: HURT

My feelings hurt very easily. I take things very personally. I have trained myself to be that way. I decided long ago that whatever the emotion is I want to feel it and allow myself the respect of knowing how I feel. When you have known the kind of childhood abuse I have endured you learn to turn off. To not connect to people or things or places. You have no roots. You never belong or feel safe. I have decided that I do not want to live that way. It has taken me years to soften my skin and to allow emotion to emerge. I am very happy to feel hurt. I can feel hurt.

Now that does not mean I put up with folks who cut me with their words. I will not. When you call someone stupid, it is disrespectful. It means you do not value them or their presence in your life. I care so deeply about the folks that I have in my life that I know their presence reinforces my belief in God and the divinity. Yes friends will hurt your feelings, especially if they voice an opinion that is contrary to your own, or if they are speaking truth to power and you are refusing to be in truth. But to be insulted at the hands of someone you care about and have high regard for is indeed painful.

So what to do when someone hurts your feelings? Does it mean they have no regard for your intelligence, fortitude and yes feelings? I have chosen to do nothing. I have chosen to remain silent and cool. The apology offered says to me that there is awareness of hurting my feelings and acting in a manner that does not speak to love and kindness. That's it.

The world does not tip on its side because my feelings are hurt. But it does make the world seem smaller and colder. My charge is to just know that each encounter with another is designed to teach me something. To show me something. Even if it shows me that what I thought about someone was off base. Or perhaps I need to remember what friendship means and is.

You teach people how to treat you. I believe this. So I have to own my part leading up to hurt feelings. I do. And I must also keep some perspective and not carry my hurt feelings further.

That is the real lesson..to not carry this baggage any further. To feel the hurt and move on.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: BEING RIGHT OR BEING HAPPY

I know folks who would rather be right than happy. For them it means everything to get the last word in, to make their point, to be right on every issue ever discussed. They will even insult you if you do not agree or are not in line with their thinking. I am not that way. I prefer to be happy. I can concede a point and know in my heart that I believe what I believe.

I am not in the convincing business. I do not feel the need to recruit anyone to my point of view. I say what I mean. I discern the deeper issues and I share when I feel like I have something to contribute. I am also not one for doom and gloom. I am not one to constantly point out the negatives and act as though I am the only one that sees impending peril.

Life is rich. And if you look for madness and chaos you will find it. I choose to look for love and happiness and kindness and wonderment in the world. The issues that confront us, our economy, folks losing their homes, Cities and Towns cutting back services and raising taxes are serious issues. And these issues will be with us for a very long time. But Our lives are not solely those things. Yes they are traumatic and I know something about traumatic. I know what it is like to lose sleep because you don't know if you will make the mortgage payment. I know what it is like to be in foreclosure, I know what it is like to be jobless and financially strapped for money. I know these things...I have lived these thing. I also know that it is these times that will bring us closer to our humanity, closer to our faith and closer to each other as neighbors and citizens. I believe that. I do not have to argue that point or convince anyone that my truth is the truth.

I am not naive. I am not a silly woman with rose colored glasses on, oblivious to what is happening in the world and in our country. I am however a woman who has seen and done a great many things and draws strength and reassurance that this too will pass. I am seeking happiness and love in the face of adversity. I cannot live in fear.

So if I stop talking to you...know that I am not interested in your noise and that the more time I waste listening to you be right, is time taking away from my happiness.

RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO

We are back at it tonight!

Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio
11:00pm est.

Tis The Season Baby...Football!

Call-in Number: (347) 324-5722

Dr. Torrance Stephens, Kelso and me, Lovebabz will be back at the round table discussing Sex, Politics and SPORTS!

The chat room opens at 11:00 pm est.

Join US!

K.I.S.S.™

KEEP IT SIMPLE & SACRED.

I saw this tweeted by Life Coach Karen, Keep It Simple & Sacred (K.I.S.S.™ ) it came to her in a quiet conscious moment.

It resonated with me in a big way. A quiet conscious moment...divine. So often we think change has to be this grand sweeping thing. All consuming. I am learning that as I become more purposeful in discerning the areas of my life that need attention. Making simple changes almost always eases the stress, drama, fear.

It is the small things over a period of time that changes our directions. For example getting to the gym to do 45 minutes is simple. Much more simpler than getting to the gym and staying for hours. Putting less on my plate, rather than starving myself on purpose makes for better results.

It is this way too in our loveships and friendships. It is calling to say happy birthday rather than getting all frustrated about finding the right big gift. It is making a handwritten note for your Beloved even though you would love to pop a bottle of champagne over a fancy dinner in a swanky restaurant. Champagne is lovely, but the small gestures are what matter. The sacred is in the sentiment. It says I value your presence in my life without all the fanfare and bravado. Yes there is a time and a place for sweeping gestures of affection. But my heart you see, yearns for the simple and authentic.

My heart is simply not only a muscle. It is the place where love flows outward and inward. It is the place that opens wide to the sacred and the divinity. My good feelings welcome your good feelings. And together we are in love. Love is a state of being.

I feel myself moving toward simple pleasures and I like it very much. Oh mind you, I am still for the luxuries of the world, but not as a status fixation. I like fine linen because that makes me happy. I like fine wine because it makes me happy. I like having friends over for a lovingly prepared meal or ordered in pizza because that makes me happy.

It doesn't take much to make me happy...just a K.I.S.S...

AT THE END OF THE DAY...

It take s great deal of courage to stand in your own truth. To listen to your own internal voice as the prevailing guide. That internal voice is God whispering. Always whispering. You gotta work hard at hearing that internal voice. Everyone around you is screaming do this, be this, say this, go here, go there, think this, think that...whew! All with the best intentions...sometimes.

At the end of the day it about trusting what I know and what I think. Not bending to the manipulations of the world and folks who think they have a better vision of your life than you do. I am not interested in telling folks how to be...I am however interested in living my life to the best of my ability. I am merely not thankful for living...I am thankful for the quality of life I get to live. I am thankful that my trials and tribulations have not broken my spirit. I am grateful of all the next 24 hours I get to work this life out my way...ahem God's way!

At the end of the day I have to hear my voice. I have to chart my path and walk in my truth.
I appreciate suggestions, advice, council and well-wishing, and I have on occassion sought it out, but really it is about what I know to be right for me.

I like what I see when I am looking at me while I am walking past the mirror...Mary J. Blige, Fine Fine Fine.

FAITH FORWARD: OVERRIDING FEAR

Fear manifests itself as excuses. Making things you say you want as priorities but doing everything to the contrary to achieve those desires. For example, I say I want to get in shape and yet for reasons I believe are out of my control, I do not get to the gym. But yet I say that it is a priority....hhhm. I say I want to be a writer and yet I make no time to write...hhhm. My list goes on and on.

I know when I stare in the mirror and really see who I am, then I clearly see the fear. The excuse is just fear. Getting what we want is scary. First of all, many of us don't believe we deserve what we get. We want love, success, happiness, flatter tummies etc and will often work like the devil to get those things, but once they arrive WE ARE SURPRISED! Or we don't try hard enough to get the things we desire. Secretly, we believe putting in the effort needed for success will all be for naught.

When I am conscience of my thinking, I am overriding FEAR. Living mindfully. That is my charge. Overriding fear means recognizing fear when it shows up and then walking past it. Oh yes it takes practice. Because fear shows up in so many different ways that sometimes it is hard to detect. Listening to myself and paying attention and being honest with what I feel inside will guide me. Today I am resetting my priorities and walking past my fears.

RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO: WE'RE ON TONIGHT!

Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio airs tonight at 11:00pm est

Join Dr. Torrance Stephens, Kelso and Me...Lovebabz as we talk Sports, Sex, Politics.

Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio is a round table discussion of topical events with a kick-ass intellectual edge...We ain't playing.

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REMEMBERING HOW FAR WE COME: THINKING ABOUT FREDERICK DOUGLASS

I am way beyond happiness of the newly elected 44th President of the United States! I am ever mindful of those that started the conversation...those that held the dream before the dreamer spoke our hopes and wishes. I am thinking of Frederick Douglas and his tenacity. I am thinking of him and so many other men and women who paved the way with their blood, sweat and tears. I am in awe of this moment. What must it have been like to dream this day more than 100 years ago?

Excerpt from Frederick Douglas Speech, given at the Massachusetts Anti-Slavery Society Meeting, April 1865

What the Black Man Wants:

It may be asked, "Why do you want it? Some men have got along very well without it. Women have not this right." Shall we justify one wrong by another? This is the sufficient answer. Shall we at this moment justify the deprivation of the Negro of the right to vote, because some one else is deprived of that privilege? I hold that women, as well as men, have the right to vote [applause], and my heart and voice go with the movement to extend suffrage to woman; but that question rests upon another basis than which our right rests. We may be asked, I say, why we want it. I will tell you why we want it. We want it because it is our right, first of all. No class of men can, without insulting their own nature, be content with any deprivation of their rights. We want it again, as a means for educating our race. Men are so constituted that they derive their conviction of their own possibilities largely by the estimate formed of them by others. If nothing is expected of a people, that people will find it difficult to contradict that expectation.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: YES WE CAN...VOTE!

NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTION AWARENESS MONTH

I cannot imagine my life without my children. I was not a woman who initially wanted children. They were not in my plans...at all. But somehow one by one they arrived with their own story and their own desire to be loved and cared for.

They needed me and I needed them.

This month is extremely important. All over America people are participating in campaigns to get the word out about adoption. November 15 is National Adoption Day. Children and families will make their forever families permanent in courthouses all over America. It is a breath-taking event to witness and be a part of.

In Connecticut I was proud to spear head our activities during the years I served as a local legislator. The celebrated day was always filled with food, proclamations, addresses by important folks and most of all children of every hue, shape, ethnicity.

Adoption is an amazing thing. It is love in action everyday. It is a commitment to community that speaks to my faith and what I believe we ought to do to take care of our children. No child should linger in Foster Care or an orphanage or some social service system anywhere in the world. let alone right here in America. Every child deserves a home and loving parent(s). I still wish I could adopt more...(insert smile)

I am a better woman because of these children. I know something about true love because of them. God knows I am not perfect...but we are perfect for each other.

Happy National Adoption Awareness Month!

SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY

I am cleaning and listening to my favorite music at FULL BLAST! I am a nester. I am a home body. I love tinkering about the house working on things. Today is perfect for that.

I am wearing my favorite brim...yes my summer brim...it was on the hall tree and will go upstairs to the closet until next summer...however in the meantime, I am wearing it because I look HOT in it!

I am doing major cleaning and rearranging as I turn my attention toward the holidays. First up Thanksgiving! I pulled out the "real" silver to polish--will do that later. Of course I will use my china from my Mother and pull out all my fabulous glasses. I love getting ready for the holidays!

I love not having any place to be today except home. The children are cleaning their rooms and playing. Occasionally I have to referee a spat or soothe hurt feelings, but for the most part they are a fine tuned team. I can hear them in their conversations and whispers and giggles.

Having 4 children is delightful. They are never with out company. And I am never without lots of children. Who needs a date when I have all this love and contentment around.

RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO DEBUTS TODAY!

YES! I am riding shot gun with Kelso! and the veritable Dr. Torrance Stephens on his new radio talk show: RAW DAWG BUFFALO RADIO

It debuts tonight at 11:00pm est.
Call IN: 347. 324. 5722
The Chat Room will be open!

And did I mentioned I am the Executive Producer! Yeah Baby! OK it took me 2 months or so to convince/lobby/cajole Torrance to take his blog content from Raw Dawg Buffalo to the radio. And trust me, it was no easy feat, but I wore him down. Me and Kevin Ross, who also has a show on blogtalk radio did our best to strongly suggest he give it a run.

Now the best thing is we also got Kelso to get down with us. You know Kelso, the very deep and very knowledgeable contributor to The Disbrimstone-Daily Pitchfork...Hell's Leading Daily Newspaper. He will be adding his fine mind and strong sense of business, sports and world views to the round table.

You already know it's going to be hot. This ain't for the faint at heart...it's RAW!

Tonight's topic:
Round table discussion on events leading up to the American election season 2008. What does Obama-Biden have to deal with if voted into office?

JOIN US...JOIN IN!
347. 324. 5722

UNEXPECTED WISDOM

Yesterday I got some news that hurt a bit. Instead of dwelling on it and crying for hours and hours. I regrouped and changed my mind about "why". Yes I cried a little...just a little...barely. I realized that it was a small thing.

I have survived...overcome a great deal. How could I let a small disappointment undo all my progress? I mean I realized that nothing in my life changed based on that disappointment. I didn't give it any more energy. I didn't go back and think what could I have done to change the outcome. Doing that is a real waste of time. Now onto the next thing. Onto the next goal. opportunity, dream.

As my Crush loves to say...You create your reality. I used to be baffled by that statement. I could not wrap my brain around it. But I tell you it is clear to me now. Change your mind to change your life. What's on your mind is reflected in your life---that goes for people, things, books, activities. All those things reflects what is on your mind. YES!

So letting a small disappointment stump me, trip me, send me into a funk does not serve me or my spirit. That's it. And you know it's not about small or large disappoinment. It is any perceived disappointment.

I have come far. I have endured much and here I am standing in love. In grace. In full awareness of myself. I feel wise today...unexpectedly so.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: DEEPER

There is more to me than what's on the surface. That's true for everyone. We are not the superficial. We are not our clothes, our hair, our education, our home, our cars. If we are willing to dig deeper, who we really are will emerge. If we are looking for love or better still open to love then we have to be willing to go deeper.

Love is not simply flowers and cards. Love is extending yourself to another. It is not ONLY sex, or kissing, or touching. All nice and very much appreciated. Love is deeper. You cannot get there from shallow ground. Love requires each of US to go deeper in our selves and for others.

We can all love folks when times are great, when nothing is asked of our hearts. It requires a deeper commitment to love one another in the midst of hard times...when we are not our very best, when our flaws are showing, when we are at our weakest and lowest.

I am challenging myself to dig deeper, to discern further, my commitment to love and loveships.

TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS...I GOT WORK TO DO!

I gotta let my Sister Vanessa Williams tell you what I mean!



Work To Do lyrics

I can't wait to get home to you
I got so much work to do, work
I'm taking care of business baby can't you see
I gotta make it for you, and I gotta make it for me
Sometimes it may seem boy I'm neglecting you
But I'd love to spend more time
But I got so much to do
Ooh, I got work to do, I got work baby
I got work to do, I got a job yeah
I got work to do, said I got work to do
Oh I'm out here trying to make it baby can't you see
It takes a lot of money to make it let's talk truthfully
So keep your love light burning
Oh you gotta have a little faith
You might as well get used to me coming home a little late, oh
Ooh, I got work to do, I got work baby
I got work to do, I got a job yeah
I got work to do, said I got work to do
I can't wait to get home to you
I got so much work to do

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: JAZZ...WINE...RAIN...

Listening to Patricia Barber...Late Afternoon And You. It's 1:00 am. I am up drinking my favorite Merlot and listening to jazz as the rain dances outside my window. This is definitely making love time. There is something about the force and pounding of rain that immediately puts me in the mood for la amour...

I like thinking that someday I will have a lover. I am not pressed by it. Nor am I anxious. Not like I was this past summer. This past summer I was thinking that if I took a lover then that alone would put some distance between me and my marriage. It does not. Or better still, I can't say really, since I have not made love to another man since my soon-to-be Ex.

So I think of other things. I am happy to think of other things. I do not want a casual liaison. When I do share this body with another soul it will be because I want to... because they are special. I am clear about that. I have to be in love. I HAVE TO BE IN LOVE. And I am not pressed or daunted by not having that right now. I am convinced that I shall.

So this midnight hour I am listening to Jazz and sipping my favorite wine and listening to music that stirs my soul...how divine. The rain is whispering...you shall have what you want...you shall get what you need.

That sits well with me. It is very true as I know my truth to be. I can feel the successes in love and life and living and growing around me for me.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: WINNING MYSELF OVER

A couple days ago I was listening to Dr. Robin on XM radio...Oprah & Friends. She stated that we spend too much time trying to win people over. To win people to love us. That statement stopped me cold in my tracks. Because I am one of those kind of people. I am one of those people that will work hard at trying to win some one's affection. Now mind you, I have been married for 12 years, but in looking back at past loveships I can clearly see how that was my miss-step. Hhhmm... (insert eco-friendly LIGHT BULB!)

So in moving myself forward, that awareness is quite illuminating. It is a flaw that I can correct now that I see it. Paying attention and being tuned in to my insecurities will beat back this beast. It is a level of mindfulness for everyday. It is a pattern of behaviour that speaks to feeling not good enough. That is the root. So instead of letting a special someone see me, I add all the niceties so that the real me is camouflaged? Because I subconsciously don't believe I am enough as is.

Ding Ding Ding...I WIN! I GET IT! The shift in my thinking today forward will be how can I win myself over. Or better still, I will win myself over for myself. I am good enough. I love my own company and I think I am pretty doggone FABULOUS...flaws and all!

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: REJUVENATION!

All shall be well. And all shall be well. All is well.

I am going to take some time away from the blog sphere. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is upsetting me. I need to redirect my energies into a few projects to get them launched. I am working on my discipline and to do that you must DO!

I will not be checking email, or twittering. I will however be checking my baby PChats.

I will be back in a week or so.

Be in love and be loving.

DISCIPLINE...MY DEFINING MOMENT

dis·ci·pline:
activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter (computer, notebook, digital recorder) is excellent discipline for a writer.

I have big dreams and lofty goals. I have motivational tools in abundance. I am a student of love and loving. But what I lack for success is DISCIPLINE! So with all that said am I just talking shit if I can't make things happen in my life? Who do I think will make things happen...elves?

I am thinking about this as I look at all the projects that I am undertaking. What I am seeing is a real fear of success. The little voice whispering...Oh why bother, you can't, you will fail. It is soft and gentle. The whispering doubt requires me to listen closely to the words of negativity and I do. I can hear the faint whispers and I bend lower to hear it all. I am seeing myself do this over and over again. I have noticed how I talk myself out of shit before I even give myself a chance to explore the possibilities.

This is my defining moment. Where I am now, is setting the ground work for the next phase of my big life. What I do now will set the tone for my next commitment. To get what I want, I have to do what I have not done for a longtime...be steadfast and unwavering. Disciplined in my mind and actions.

Today I am becoming disciplined. I am starting with my surroundings and then onto my mind and spirit. My hopes and wishes and dreams will NOW be louder than the doubts, fears and self-sabotage.

BLOG ACTION DAY 08: POVERTY

My children are not hungry. We are not poor and we are not in need of basic staples for survival. We have shelter, food, clothing and running water. I am not wringing my hands over where the next meal will come from, nor do I have to make the decision to choose food over medicine. Not only am I OK, I have a village of folks who are concerned about my welfare and that of my children everyday. I am no more blessed than the person struggling to live inspite of poverty, or families that do not have my village of caring folks to support and stand in the gaps.

Today I am blogging with Blog Action Day 08 to raise awareness about poverty and to begin to end poverty in the world RIGHT NOW.

A part of poverty for me that causes me great concern is hunger. I HATE the thought that there are folks right here in my City that go to bed without a meal. I HATE the thought that families are making decisions about how many meals they can get by on. We must not allow poverty to exist another day!

We must stand in the gaps for our Brothers and Sisters who are in need. We must do what we can where we are in our communities. Think Global, ACT local.

Use today to act on what YOU can do to lend your voice, talents and helping hands to ending poverty in our lifetime.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: REMEMBERING MARGARET...MY MOTHER

I spent the better part of my early adult life at odds with her. Hating her. I blamed her and held her solely responsible for not protecting me. For not believing me. For choosing Him over me. I looked upon her with the eyes of a woman trapped in a child's memory, carrying a whore's shame. I put all my pain and all my ignorance and all my nastiness on her and she took it.

What I have learned over the course of my life is that forgiveness doesn't free the other person it frees you. I understand and can see what she was like and why she made the choices she did. What my father did to me was vile. What he did to her was equally vile. She made choices at a time when the choices were limited. But my post isn't about this.

My mother would have been 68 today. She was one of those people who went through the world always grateful to be alive. Always a smile on her face and a song in her heart. I made peace with her a few years before she died. We were settling into Mother with Grown Daughter roles. It was comforting. I was becoming my own woman and she was nodding in approval.

I miss her everyday. I can feel her presence when I am attending to the children or cooking a big fancy dinner.

I have 4 children not to prove I am a better mother than she...I am NOT. But to do what was not done for me...protect. My mother was selfless in a way that I am not. She was courageous in ways that I am not. She was strong and I am too. She was faithful and I am too.

This day is heavy with remembrance and celebration and few regrets. I loved her and she knew it. She loved me and I knew it. I know it.

There is more to say about my mother. For now I will settle for this post. I will spend the day thinking about her in prayer and perhaps go to her grave site and cry and laugh. Feeling her with me always.

CARPE DIEM BABY!

I am celebrating a series of events unfolding in my life this very minute that are divine. The very things that I had dreamed of are coming forth. They are lining up awaiting my immediate attention. I have stood in the place of preparation and prayer and I am ready.

This is my moment to release. To step into my right now. To walk in love and be loving. I am not afraid. I am not shy. My boldness is driving me in a way never seen before.

I am listening to my own voice whispering...no shouting GO! GO! GO! live free, live on your own terms and LOVE!

Over the next few weeks I will be in my glory. I will be living out some long kept dreams. I am not ready to say what they are yet. I want to celebrate them in my alone-ness for a while. But I am tickled pink about them.

Oh yes and I told my Crush that I LOVED him. That was huge for me. I did it with a big heart and no expectation of hearing him say it back. It is amazing the heart's capacity for love. It frees me and lets me KNOW that I am loving. It is a beautiful thing loving folks. It ties me deeper to my humanity and strongly connects me to my faith. I do not have to do anything spectacular except keep an open heart.

I am seizing the day! I am in this moment the happiest I have been in a very long time. I only have to look back to last year at this time to see God's handiwork in my life. Oh I know what grace is and I am fully in awe and reverence of the gift that is my life.

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: SIMPLE PLEASURES

Saturday was one of the most perfect days ever! The weather was dreamy and warm. The skies were the best blue I have ever seen.

I rode my bike, Stinky-Pinky with the kids around the neighborhood today. It is a single gear baby with brakes in the pedals...old school. She has a basket and a bell on the handle bars. I LOVE her! Today was the first day I had her out all summer. She had flat tires. My Sister-Friend RMG who lives down the street has a serious air-pump...her husband does really. So I called her up and said I need air. The kids and I walked my baby down to her house and put air in her tires. Man getting on her was like BUTTAH! Oh I love this bike. I cruised and raced with the kids all afternoon.

Later my Sister-friend JB came over with her son to hang out. I lit a fire in the backyard fireplace and we sat outside under the beautiful moon and talked and talked. The kids were watching Disney Halloween movies...very non-scary! It was the most perfect night. I think it was too chilly for JB, but not for me.

Last but not least, the most amazing telephone conversation I've had in a very long time took place. It is without a doubt life changing...well it will be over time. It is a dream un-deferred. Thank you KW! You have no idea what a leap of faith I am about to take...well you do, because this is what you do...smile.

The day laid out before me all the possibilities of a life of simple pleasures, giggling children, good friends, dreams realized and me fully present in the moment.

Oh and my bike is a Simple bicycle...really that's its name...smile...how divine.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: I AM FOR YOU

I want to hear a man say to me, LoveBabz I am for you! Truly. I appreciate folks wanting to hear I love you. I do. But for me at this place in this big life. I need to know someone is on my side, watching my back, cheering me on, building me up, loving me with deeds and actions.

Everyday in my marriage I heard I love you. My ex was freely throwing it around. But his actions were not loving. So the words began to ring hollow. The words I love you are not hollow to me now, but I have learned that I need to hear and feel, LoveBabz I am for you. That speaks to love and to commitment and staying power.

I am a WOMAN for action. Words are only as solid and strong as the deeds that follow. It is not enough to speak of love, I want and need acts of love. I want the same as I am willing to give.

If I love you, you will know it. If you love me, I will know it.

LOTS OF LITTLE HEARTBREAKS

What to do with all the feelings of inadequacy? The feelings of not doing a good enough job.

I am crying again. I am feeling a bit out of sorts..not crazy mind you. Just out of sorts. Sometimes shit can happen that can spin you around and make you think your judgement is off. That's about where I am right now. It's not one single thing, but a lot of little things. Lots of little heartbreaks. Unkind words, neglect, inattention, and indifference and small cruelties.

I feel them all.

I do not imagine myself a weak woman. I am actually quite strong and mentally tough. It pains me to break under small pressures. Right now I am quick to tears about the most mundane and petty things. What does that say really? Perhaps I am not being truthful about the heartaches being small. What does it matter? My heart aches for some reason. I am crying for some reason.

I am tired. I am dreadfully alone and tired. This is my moment to vent and to rage against the world. Yes, it is foolish and petty, I agree and I know it. This seems contrary to all the love that I know lives in my heart. I am frail in this midnight hour and not truthful about what ails me.

I am not truthful about a lot of my feelings at the moment. There is a great deal of fear and caution as If I will lose out on the very things I want and desire. I am my own worst enemy in this moment.

To cry silently is not sparing anyone. To cry silently is clutching a coward's robe. No matter the lateness of the hour, to be alone when you do not want to be alone is a prescription for continued heartache and despair. Tears are cleansing indeed, but a broken heart is not.

Be still my foolish heart. Be still this distraught mind. I am holding on. I am good at holding on. Shortly it will be first light. Things look beautiful at first light. Blogging this aloness is a gift.

Going back to bed as I am done crying...priceless.

WANTED: A SBM WITH KIND HEART AND LOVING DISPOSITION!

I am declaring myself available to date!

Beautiful & charming divorced Mother of 4 well-behaved and lovely children seeking single Black Man with kind heart and loving disposition...Prince Charmings need not apply. Real Men ONLY! See Love List (100 things I want in a lover).

I have been spinning my wheels about should I or shouldn't I date. I have been on the fence. I have been waiting for some magical sign. Well I got one last night! No I am not going to share what it was just yet. But for me the switch flipped on! I could be dating. I am ready to date. Now I am not ready to go beyond dating. But I would like to sit in the company of a man and enjoy conversation, laughs, music and time. I want late night conversations about how to save the world, how to make great pecan pie w/o butter and how to get kids to bed, and favorite movies and favorite lines in movies, and favorite places to gaze at the moon.

Now that I said it out to the universe and backed it up with a Love List means that I am moving forward. Now I am not going to become a party girl. Nor am I going to hang out with any man that asks. What I am saying is that I am ready for good times to roll. I am ready to put my whole self out there. I Am ready to test the waters. I am ready to be courted.

Life is short. I want to enjoy life's riches while I can, while I am vibrant and willing. Wanting this does not interfere with my goals, plans, dreams. If anything, it adds to the richness of my life. I am woman made for love. I am good on a team.

So spread the word far and wide! I am ready! I am ready! I am ready!

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TO YIELD

I have learned in loveships, to yield will go a long way in keeping and maintaining harmony. Sometimes to surrender is far more superior than charging up the hill into battle. It has taken me a decade to understand this. I do not have to be right. Oh I am still learning this lesson. I am learning it with folks in my life at this very moment. What does it mater to me to argue a point because I can't stand to be wrong? I can stand to be wrong. I am often wrong. I do not have all the answers.

There is a difference in being vulnerable and being stupid. Being vulnerable is an opening of oneself to another in a way that says I welcome you in my heart. To be stupid is to let someone do you any kind of way and you take it. I have long since given up on being stuck on stupid.

To yield in loveships means that you learn to pause. That you think what is important to you in the heated moments, the tense moments, the point of no return moments. The moments before you say the unthinkable and hurtful things.

Love does not mean that there will never be tough moments, or feelings won't get hurt and tears are flowing. Love does exist in the difficult moments. It is the difficult moments when we most need to remember that love is binding and comforting and healing and sustaining. I say yield. Not give in, or give up. But pause and take a breath. Take stock and see if it is your ego that is hurt. I am NOT suggesting take any abuse on any terms. What I am talking about are those moments when we are at odds with our lovers, partners and spouses. No relationship can exist without a differing of opinion on occasion.

To yield takes a great deal of courage and strength to step back and allow the dust to settle. To hold ourselves in check. Not trying to be right, but happy.

FARM PHOTOS...

MOMMY HOW CAN WE HELP HUNGRY PEOPLE?

We are off to Massachusetts today to spend time at Overlook Farm. This farm is run by Heifer International, whose mission is to end world hunger.

My children and members of their Sunday school class raised money all year long to donate. We are going today to hand over the money and spend some time on the farm!

My children were so dedicated to this cause that they gave up their allowance for several months to support this commitment. I did not ask them. As a matter of fact I suggested perhaps they could give up a percentage. They said no, Mommy we have to make sure hungry people get food. I couldn't be more proud of them. I want them to care about the world and to believe they can make a positive difference in it. They are.

Of course I will take pictures!

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: 212 DEGREES...THE EXTRA DEGREE

THIS IS MY INSPIRATION FOR TODAY.

REMEMBERING DANBURY...A REPOST

Last year this time I was serving day 2 of my federal prison sentence. I do not intend to spend anymore time on this. But I did want to lay out for myself the contrast of what this October looks like in comparison to last October. This February 2008 post still resonates with me and is probably more appropriate today than in February.

Today I am happy. I am in good spirits and I am in love with this life. I am surrounded with loving and caring people. I am moving forward with a full heart and a loving spirit.

REPOST from Thursday, February 21, 2008

REMEMBERING DANBURY
I have not talked a great deal about serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Not because I am ashamed or find it upsetting. Quite the contrary. I am not ashamed to have served there. I am over that. There is nothing I can do about the past. And what is the past anyway, but memories in your mind. I haven't talked about it because I wanted to create a real space for it. To give it respect. To honor that time. No I am not holding it up as a thing of pride, but as an experience that has shaped my rethinking about my life, how I choose to come to love and community and GOD.

From an outsider's perspective 30 days...actually 29 days is not a huge amount of time. For me it was an eternity. I still think I can't really share my experience here in the way that I need to. Perhaps I will dedicate a series of posts or perhaps some other outlet for its release, or maybe not.

My life when laid out is big. It is grand and sweeping and full of lots of different kinds of experiences and people. I have done a lot, seen a lot, been a lot of different things and I am still evolving into the woman I am destined to become. I am getting out of my own way...OK most days I am getting out of my own way and letting the spirit of God move me forward. I am acutely aware of that. I am opening myself up to new experiences and new people that will only add positively to my evolution. Danbury does not loom large over my existence, but it does have its place. The women I met while there were some of the most gracious and caring women I have ever met. I think of them often and I hold them in my prayers. I know they are thinking of me from time to time...I can feel their spirit wishing me well.

I am fearless and forever prayerful and exceedingly hopeful about the world and my place in it. I recognize the grace of my life and the love that surrounds me. I am living in the right now and I am loving it.

Happy 39th Birthday to My Blog Sister Sista GP

OFFICIAL BITCH DAY!

My Friends over at Fabulously 40 have launched the first ever BITCH DAY! I think they are great and I am supporting the effort! Come on get all that drama off your chest. Ok now don't go and cuss anybody out, or step to someone you think is a bitch. Nope it's purely designed to take some time to rant.

Enjoy the day!

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: RATIONING LOVE

When did loving someone cost so much? What is it about telling someone you love, that you LOVE them? Yes, some of us are good at telling our family and close friends how much we love them. I tell my children a thousand times a day. They tell me just as many times. Sometimes they yell for me just to say MOM I love you! It always catches me off guard.

What is it about these three giant words that terrifies folks? There seems to be a rule book...albeit a very misinforming and gripping rule book out there that sets the guidelines for our loveships. I have heard people say to me, I can't possibly tell him I love him, He will have the upper hand. Or I can't be first telling her that I love her. Or my personal favorite It's too soon. I need to wait. On first glance these seem reasonable. No one wants to be vulnerable. Maybe you are unsure as to how the other person feels or maybe you just met them a few months/days/years ago and time seems like a good measure for how things progress before you utter those life changing words. I advocate for choosing love over fear. If you feel love, know love and believe love, then say, act, do LOVE.

Love is the one thing EVERY ONE wants, but we are ALL cowards in our war on love. So we go about withholding our love...RATIONING LOVE because to give it away is too costly. Now I am not suggesting that we just throw love around casually or am I? I mean we share our bodies casually. We think nothing of engaging in illicit sexual acts with strangers...not friends mind you, who care about us. We happily lay down with folks who DO NOT LOVE US...but love the act of sex. We easily explain away the casualness of casual sex and we trip, fumble and fall in getting and keeping loveships. We convince ourselves that we are saving our love for that special someone. We don't hold our bodies in high regard as we do our hearts. We do not connect love and sex, we act like they are not connected. We can have one without the other. But why would you want to? I am asking myself this. This is not a judgement. I am working this out...connecting the dots in my own life because I am realizing, I am not a casual woman. I thought I could be. I tried to be. I am not. I am a woman made for love. Aren't we all people made for love? If not then we have lots of work to do!

If we disconnect ourselves from love so easily to share our bodies, then why can't we love folks before bodies even touch? I ask again, what is it about love and saying I love you that costs us so much that we are willing to deny ourselves and the world around us the very thing that brings peace, joy and happiness to our world?

I am giving up disconnecting love and sex. I am no longer interested in one without the other. So my celibacy continues. I am holding out for love. I am apologizing to myself for trying to compromise my heart and body.

I am done rationing LOVE.

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: LIFE LESSONS

I believe that life is full of lessons. Some repetitive and some completely what I need at that moment to move me forward. If I am stubborn and unyielding I am destined to repeat the lesson until duh I get it! Sometimes the lessons are painful...like a knife to the heart. My divorce was like that. The relationship ended. But it hasn't ended really. I mean we are still in each other's life because we have children. So the romantic part has ended but the parental role remains.

Is anything really over? Yes. But some things remain. They remain because we have to grow better in our humanity, and we have to learn love. When one relationships is over and done it does not mean every relationship in your life ends. Nor does it mean you will never get another loveship. Now if you do not grow and look at your role in the demise of the relationship. Guess what? You will get the same relationship again until you learn the lesson. Sometimes you do things right and the lesson is saying you are doing things right with the wrong mate.

Life lessons are maps to move us forward. To get us to be in the moment. To enjoy the here and now. And to see who we fully are.

I hold no illusions about who I am. I maybe a queen, but I am no princess. I have weathered storms. I have loved. I have learned some lessons that got me right here right now. I am in love with the woman I am. I know the lessons in front of me are teaching me how to be more of myself in the grandest way.

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: KEEPING THE FAITH

I am not one of those folks that likes to chase folks down about my faith. I do not try to convert folks nor do I try to ram my faith perspective down some one's throat. I do not run around quoting scripture.

My faith is a deep and abiding that carries me. Sustains me. Heals me. Nourishes me. When someone believes something different that I, I do not think or say they are wrong. I am actually interested in learning about why they believe what they believe. I am convinced that we are more connected through God. I love the study of the divine and I am still on the fence about applying to the Yale Divinity School. They have been gracious in accommodating my restless spirit.

I know what God has done in my life. I am a living breathing miracle. I have overcome much and I remain joyful and happy to greet the day. Thank you is the last words I say at night and the first thing I say in the morning.

I keep the faith. In the darkest hour. In the grandest celebrations. Even in my own ignorance. In my own shortcomings. In love. I keep the faith.

God IS. I Believe.

WHAT NUMBER ARE YOU? A LITTLE BLOG FUN

I got this from my FAB Blog Sister Eb, The Celeb. I think it is pretty darn accurate. Take the quiz and let me know what your number is!

Have a little blog fun!

You Are 2: The Helper

You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic. At Your Best: You are deeply giving, altruistic, and humble. You devote your life to others while caring for yourself too. At Your Worst: You are manipulative and enjoy making other people guilty. Your Fixation: Rejection Your Primary Fear: Being unworthy of love Your Primary Desire: To be loved unconditionally Other Number 2's: Mother Teresa, John Travolta, Princess Diana, Dr. Phil, and Mr. Rogers.

What Number Are You?

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: TIME IS NOT HEALING

Time passing is not healing. What heals me is the choice I make to get over or beyond something. Time is really irrelevant. There is no set time in getting over old hurts, wounds, disappointments, mistakes and missteps. There is no set rule as to when a broken heart ought to be mended.

I know that when I want to stay stuck, I wallow in the thing that is causing me grief. I go back to the perceived injustice and think it through over and over and over again. And if that wasn't enough I will talk it over with my "True Love" friends until I am sick of hearing my own voice. By this point the light bulb turns on and I realize that I can make a choice here. That I should just shut the fuck-up about the perceived injustice and keep it moving. Dwelling on the thing, event, person, situation, does not bring clarity. It only makes me STUCK. And when I am stuck there is no chance for other things, people, events, situations to move in or out of my life...DUH!

I am no martyr. I do not like suffering. But sometimes I get in my own way and I hang on to pain way too long. As if there is something noble about suffering. I prefer to be happy...even in the face of adversity. Even in the face of loss and grief and pain...I prefer to be happy. Happiness is not about time put in, or time spent. Happiness is about being. Being in this moment in way that allows you to see who you are right now. To accept and revere the blessings right now. There is no better time to be blessed, happy, joyful and in love than right now.

...LOVE waits on welcome, not on time....A Course in Miracles

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREGORY...CELEBRATING 10!

My beautiful son turned 10 today! He was waiting for 10 for a long time. He believes it is the beginning of magical times ahead. I have to agree!

Gregory arrived when he 5 years old. That is an undesirable age for a kid waiting to be adopted. No one wants a kid older than 3. Most folks feel that any child over 3 will be a problem. They would be right. And so what. Yes Gregory has a lot of issues and we are managing them as they arise. His issues have nothing to do with him deserving and needing a loving caring family. I love him with all his issues. I love him because he has a fighting spirit and a will to get to the next day. He is my son and he deserves a mother's love.

His gift was a brand new bike. As a matter of fact I got all 4 kids new bikes. Now so many didn't see the logic in this. As if giving them all a bike takes away the specialness of the day. Well a candle is not diminished when it lights another candle. My other 3 children could happily celebrate Gregory's birthday with him. I could not just get him a bike while the others just look on. So I got them all bikes! Now this is not he norm. But this gift was a big deal and it warranted a big effort.

I want for my son to grow up knowing that there are folks in the world that care about his happiness, his well being and his spirit. I want my son to continue on the path of being a loving, kind and gentle soul. He is smart and funny and silly. He is a strong child. Stronger than he ought to be at that age. He has seen too much, experienced too much before he arrived home. It's been five years since his arrival and I have seen the grand sweeping changes. I see the anger subsiding. I see the fear diminishing. He is trusting me. He is trusting the community I built to support him. I cannot imagine my life without him.

Happy Birthday dearest Gregory! You are so beautiful to me!

I AM MY GIFT

I am turning my attention to my weight. I am heavier that I should be. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I do not like it. Try as I might I have not made real peace with this weight.

I have been an athlete my entire life...except for the last 12 years. The last 12 years I grew complacent. I settled into this weight like a bear settling in for winter hibernation. I got by on, well I wear clothes that flatter, or I am tall. Yes I am all those things and FAT.

So I am taking this on again. Not in a whining way, or a beat myself up sort of way. But in a gentle, focused and loving way. Yes I said I would not talk about weight ever again. But how can I not. There is a small voice in me that says...unhappiness. Carrying the weight is really carrying unhappiness.

So I am taking cues from my beautiful blog Sisters Go Bytch, Sharon and Flutter. No, I am not putting my self on Youtube like Sister Sharon, nor am I going to photograph my progress like Flutter. I will keep running posts as updates from now until my 46th birthday, May 2, 2009.

I am giving up beer and wine and tequila. Will have some for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Champagne for New Year's. I have started a Mindful Meditation class that meets every Friday from 9-11 am for the next 8 weeks. I am going to the gym every morning after I do my carpooling. I am putting myself at the top of my list. No one will suffer. Children will be taken care of as always and their needs will not be neglected. I must however make a commitment to myself.

I am my gift.