I spent the better part of my early adult life at odds with her. Hating her. I blamed her and held her solely responsible for not protecting me. For not believing me. For choosing Him over me. I looked upon her with the eyes of a woman trapped in a child's memory, carrying a whore's shame. I put all my pain and all my ignorance and all my nastiness on her and she took it.
What I have learned over the course of my life is that forgiveness doesn't free the other person it frees you. I understand and can see what she was like and why she made the choices she did. What my father did to me was vile. What he did to her was equally vile. She made choices at a time when the choices were limited. But my post isn't about this.
My mother would have been 68 today. She was one of those people who went through the world always grateful to be alive. Always a smile on her face and a song in her heart. I made peace with her a few years before she died. We were settling into Mother with Grown Daughter roles. It was comforting. I was becoming my own woman and she was nodding in approval.
I miss her everyday. I can feel her presence when I am attending to the children or cooking a big fancy dinner.
I have 4 children not to prove I am a better mother than she...I am NOT. But to do what was not done for me...protect. My mother was selfless in a way that I am not. She was courageous in ways that I am not. She was strong and I am too. She was faithful and I am too.
This day is heavy with remembrance and celebration and few regrets. I loved her and she knew it. She loved me and I knew it. I know it.
There is more to say about my mother. For now I will settle for this post. I will spend the day thinking about her in prayer and perhaps go to her grave site and cry and laugh. Feeling her with me always.
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
8 months ago
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10 comments:
God bless you, Babz.
As much as my mother gets on my nerves at times, I realize that she is my gift from God. I realize that no matter how hard it is to communicate with her at times, I should cherish every moment that she and I have. I realize that even though living is tough for her and sometimes I hate to see her suffer, death is so damn final that it's hard for me to ever consider it as a solution for her.
Again Babz, God bless you.
There is nothing like a mothers love, fallible as it may be.
Sending love and light to you and your Mommy today!
*sigh* in a good way. forgave my mom too, a looong time ago. she's still here with me. and that makes it so hard though, to have to continue to forgive. and forgive.
so i keep trying.
i honor you warrior queen, and your mother.
No doubt, You gotta Love Moms no matter what. Keep ya head up ova there.
Angie-Nuvision,
Hello Sister and thank you for your kind words. I loved my mother very much. I Miss her.
AJ,
Yes a good mother's love is priceless.
Princess,
We ahve talked in depth about mothers. You will do what needs to be done in regards to your own mother. I am with you.
Bossmack,
Is that really you visiting?! How glad to hear from you! I do get over to you from time to time to check in.
I am hanging in.
Honor your mother, even the mistakes are lessons to make you stronger.
Yeah, forgiveness is about you. It is hard when it is a parent who was supposed to have your back.
My mom picked a boyfriend over me. He didn't physically violate me. He did verbally abuse me when he could. He felt good when he kicked me out of his home, me and my mother had move into. It hurt like hell. She stayed there for 2 months before she moved back with my grandma who I was living with.
What hurts more is she still puts people(her church) before me, her only child. I have forgiven the past. It is the present things I am working to forgive.
What an absolutely beautiful post love!
Mothers are so special and we often take them for granted...well, at least I did at one point in life. What I realize is that they are strong beings having brought us here and at times trying to take us out..LOL!
I am grateful for a praying, loving, supportive mother who nags me all the same. The world wouldn't be the same without her.
Thank you for this post. Thank you for reminding us just how special and irreplacable mothers are.
Be blessed!
Clnmike,
Yes I did honor her. I loved her.
Shai,
How are you and thank you for coming over and sharing. Perhaps adifferent realtionship is in order for you and your mother. Think about what that could look like and feel like.
AIM,
Hello Sister! Yes a good and nagging mother is a blessing! Consider yourself very lucky!
What a beautiful post... I am so glad that you reconciled with your mother after all that had happened, and that you have your memories.
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