Thursday, October 9, 2008

LOTS OF LITTLE HEARTBREAKS

What to do with all the feelings of inadequacy? The feelings of not doing a good enough job.

I am crying again. I am feeling a bit out of sorts..not crazy mind you. Just out of sorts. Sometimes shit can happen that can spin you around and make you think your judgement is off. That's about where I am right now. It's not one single thing, but a lot of little things. Lots of little heartbreaks. Unkind words, neglect, inattention, and indifference and small cruelties.

I feel them all.

I do not imagine myself a weak woman. I am actually quite strong and mentally tough. It pains me to break under small pressures. Right now I am quick to tears about the most mundane and petty things. What does that say really? Perhaps I am not being truthful about the heartaches being small. What does it matter? My heart aches for some reason. I am crying for some reason.

I am tired. I am dreadfully alone and tired. This is my moment to vent and to rage against the world. Yes, it is foolish and petty, I agree and I know it. This seems contrary to all the love that I know lives in my heart. I am frail in this midnight hour and not truthful about what ails me.

I am not truthful about a lot of my feelings at the moment. There is a great deal of fear and caution as If I will lose out on the very things I want and desire. I am my own worst enemy in this moment.

To cry silently is not sparing anyone. To cry silently is clutching a coward's robe. No matter the lateness of the hour, to be alone when you do not want to be alone is a prescription for continued heartache and despair. Tears are cleansing indeed, but a broken heart is not.

Be still my foolish heart. Be still this distraught mind. I am holding on. I am good at holding on. Shortly it will be first light. Things look beautiful at first light. Blogging this aloness is a gift.

Going back to bed as I am done crying...priceless.

23 comments:

flutter said...

sleep well beautiful.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Flutter,
You little night owl!
We'll see if sleep is my friend or foe...Good night.

Aunt Jackie said...

there must be something going around. i walked the streets of downtown LA yesterday and felt utterly alone. Without a soul to share a moment of sun setting behind high rises on a warm night.

i was even tempted to have a drink alone and indulge my loneliness and the damn bar was closed. so i walked back to my car and back to my house..alone.

i am like you I really don't take kindly to crying mostly because it's messy, but i finally named what's been bothering me and spoke on it, to lessen it's hold on my already lonely heart.

be well
be blessed and know that you are loved!

MsKnowitAll said...

From Aunt Jackie.... "but i finally named what's been bothering me and spoke on it, to lessen it's hold on my already lonely heart."

I echo, name it. Name what is that makes you fearful. Imagine your heart whole, mended, beautiful and full. See it, behold it and it will be.

Forgive me, it's 4:26 in the morning and I tend to ramble but I hope I'm making sense...

Keith said...

Go Ahead and cry...but when you are done crying...Stand up...dry those tears and start over again. You can do it. I'm a man and kind of ashamed to say that I've shed a few tears ,but I have...Then after you've gotten it out..It's time to start again..to to get back at this thing called life. It takes courage and I know you have it...
You're going to be fine...I know that..I know that God won't let you be anything else but fine..
Sleep well, be still and know who he is that sustains us all.

Ms Smack said...

Maybe it's seasonal, mate. Lots of people get the blues real bad with the change of seasons...

*hug* from Australia
xx

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

u may be tired and u may be crying, but that dont make u week - just have faith and perservere folk

Lovebabz said...

Aunt Jackie,
Yes I think you are right.

MsKnowItAll,
You are absolutely making sense.

Keith,
Thank you kindly.

Ms. Smack,
I love the change in seasons, but perhaps there is something to that.

Torrance,
Yes indeed I shall keep the faith. Thank you.

The Bear Maiden said...

"A million lonely souls" I wrote the other day. Because it's obvious I'm not alone in the way I'm feeling. I feel lonely too... but I"m not alone. I just have to figure out why I feel that way... and you will tool

Mizrepresent said...

Hugz lady, see this is how i felt on my birthday, but you know what...today is so much brighter!

laurie said...

I want replace the little heart breaks with great big joys.
xoxo

Lovebabz said...

Hey Bear Maiden,
No I have you in the world...so I am not alone...smile.

Hey MizR,
The key is to know that what I am feeling is not permanent. Hugs back to you...enjoy NYC this weekend!

Sister Laurie,
Thank you! You already have!

clnmike said...

Let it out, hope you feel better.

MzTeeJaye said...

Lovebabz, please know that although it may feel like it in the moment, you are never alone

Maryann Miller said...

Really enjoyed the eloquence with which you express yourself. Hang in there. You seem like a strong person who will come out of all this okay. We are tested by fire and come out stronger. :-)

Trish said...

Hang in there, Mama. These moments will come and more power and strength to you for acknowledging them in print so you can watch them as they subside. As the excitement of the school year dwindles and we're down to the cold reality of this routine (getting our kids going and helping them thrive), many of us find ourselves exhausted and blue.

Take good care of yourself so you don't get sick!

Pajnstl said...

"To cry silently is not sparing anyone."


That says a lot.

Emma said...

"To cry silently is not sparing anyone. To cry silently is clutching a coward's robe. No matter the lateness of the hour, to be alone when you do not want to be alone is a prescription for continued heartache and despair. Tears are cleansing indeed, but a broken heart is not."

Wow...thank you for this. You found exactly the words that I needed to understand *why* it matters to my gf that I wake her up if I'm crying.

Lovebabz said...

Thanks Clnmike,
Yes we must let things go.

MzTeeJaye,
I am aware of my alones a great deal of the time. I do not see it as a problem for the most part, just in those moment when I need arms around me and there aren't any.

Welcome Maryann Miller,
Thanks fo rcoming by and thank you for the kind words.

Hello Sister Trish,
Yes, I think you know what I am feeling. Doing my best not to get sick...I think I am losing...LOL!

Hey Pajnstl!
Yes, you are right.


Welcome Emma,
I am glad you found something of value in any thing I have to say. You are welcome to come back and hang out.

Rich said...

Such moving words. I often wonder why I feel so overwhelmingly lonely as well. It's amazing the number of kindred spirits that exist here in cyber space.

Get out and grab a piece of life and don't apologize for it.

Lovebabz said...

Dearest Fitzgerald,
Yes that is what I love best about the blogsphere. We attract our hearts desires here.

Yes I do need to get a life...LOL!

Girl of a thousand names said...

Lonliness is so relative. I am happily married, in love with my daughter, have a business that I'd do even if I didn't get paid, a mother to call twice a day and friends who check in with me. But there are times that I feel like I have no one who knows ME. Who calls me FIRST, who asks me out to lunch FIRST. I feel like the initiator too often and it makes me have this longing feeling...damn u Babz!! LOL, always have me soul searching and soul bearing over here.

You are loved, even if from afar. Close your eyes and feel (and I'll do the same, thanks for the therapy session :-)

Lovebabz said...

Hello Girl of a Thousand Names,
What I am most impressed at how many of us know this feelings and the longings deep in our hearts. Some us beleive that if we have more of, then the longings and loneliness will go away. The do not do they. But we can move forward and grow into our happiness and loves more fully.

You got me soul-searching...damnit! LOL!