What to do with all the feelings of inadequacy? The feelings of not doing a good enough job.
I am crying again. I am feeling a bit out of sorts..not crazy mind you. Just out of sorts. Sometimes shit can happen that can spin you around and make you think your judgement is off. That's about where I am right now. It's not one single thing, but a lot of little things. Lots of little heartbreaks. Unkind words, neglect, inattention, and indifference and small cruelties.
I feel them all.
I do not imagine myself a weak woman. I am actually quite strong and mentally tough. It pains me to break under small pressures. Right now I am quick to tears about the most mundane and petty things. What does that say really? Perhaps I am not being truthful about the heartaches being small. What does it matter? My heart aches for some reason. I am crying for some reason.
I am tired. I am dreadfully alone and tired. This is my moment to vent and to rage against the world. Yes, it is foolish and petty, I agree and I know it. This seems contrary to all the love that I know lives in my heart. I am frail in this midnight hour and not truthful about what ails me.
I am not truthful about a lot of my feelings at the moment. There is a great deal of fear and caution as If I will lose out on the very things I want and desire. I am my own worst enemy in this moment.
To cry silently is not sparing anyone. To cry silently is clutching a coward's robe. No matter the lateness of the hour, to be alone when you do not want to be alone is a prescription for continued heartache and despair. Tears are cleansing indeed, but a broken heart is not.
Be still my foolish heart. Be still this distraught mind. I am holding on. I am good at holding on. Shortly it will be first light. Things look beautiful at first light. Blogging this aloness is a gift.
Going back to bed as I am done crying...priceless.