When did loving someone cost so much? What is it about telling someone you love, that you LOVE them? Yes, some of us are good at telling our family and close friends how much we love them. I tell my children a thousand times a day. They tell me just as many times. Sometimes they yell for me just to say MOM I love you! It always catches me off guard.
What is it about these three giant words that terrifies folks? There seems to be a rule book...albeit a very misinforming and gripping rule book out there that sets the guidelines for our loveships. I have heard people say to me, I can't possibly tell him I love him, He will have the upper hand. Or I can't be first telling her that I love her. Or my personal favorite It's too soon. I need to wait. On first glance these seem reasonable. No one wants to be vulnerable. Maybe you are unsure as to how the other person feels or maybe you just met them a few months/days/years ago and time seems like a good measure for how things progress before you utter those life changing words. I advocate for choosing love over fear. If you feel love, know love and believe love, then say, act, do LOVE.
Love is the one thing EVERY ONE wants, but we are ALL cowards in our war on love. So we go about withholding our love...RATIONING LOVE because to give it away is too costly. Now I am not suggesting that we just throw love around casually or am I? I mean we share our bodies casually. We think nothing of engaging in illicit sexual acts with strangers...not friends mind you, who care about us. We happily lay down with folks who DO NOT LOVE US...but love the act of sex. We easily explain away the casualness of casual sex and we trip, fumble and fall in getting and keeping loveships. We convince ourselves that we are saving our love for that special someone. We don't hold our bodies in high regard as we do our hearts. We do not connect love and sex, we act like they are not connected. We can have one without the other. But why would you want to? I am asking myself this. This is not a judgement. I am working this out...connecting the dots in my own life because I am realizing, I am not a casual woman. I thought I could be. I tried to be. I am not. I am a woman made for love. Aren't we all people made for love? If not then we have lots of work to do!
If we disconnect ourselves from love so easily to share our bodies, then why can't we love folks before bodies even touch? I ask again, what is it about love and saying I love you that costs us so much that we are willing to deny ourselves and the world around us the very thing that brings peace, joy and happiness to our world?
I am giving up disconnecting love and sex. I am no longer interested in one without the other. So my celibacy continues. I am holding out for love. I am apologizing to myself for trying to compromise my heart and body.
I am done rationing LOVE.