Tuesday, September 30, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: RATIONING LOVE

When did loving someone cost so much? What is it about telling someone you love, that you LOVE them? Yes, some of us are good at telling our family and close friends how much we love them. I tell my children a thousand times a day. They tell me just as many times. Sometimes they yell for me just to say MOM I love you! It always catches me off guard.

What is it about these three giant words that terrifies folks? There seems to be a rule book...albeit a very misinforming and gripping rule book out there that sets the guidelines for our loveships. I have heard people say to me, I can't possibly tell him I love him, He will have the upper hand. Or I can't be first telling her that I love her. Or my personal favorite It's too soon. I need to wait. On first glance these seem reasonable. No one wants to be vulnerable. Maybe you are unsure as to how the other person feels or maybe you just met them a few months/days/years ago and time seems like a good measure for how things progress before you utter those life changing words. I advocate for choosing love over fear. If you feel love, know love and believe love, then say, act, do LOVE.

Love is the one thing EVERY ONE wants, but we are ALL cowards in our war on love. So we go about withholding our love...RATIONING LOVE because to give it away is too costly. Now I am not suggesting that we just throw love around casually or am I? I mean we share our bodies casually. We think nothing of engaging in illicit sexual acts with strangers...not friends mind you, who care about us. We happily lay down with folks who DO NOT LOVE US...but love the act of sex. We easily explain away the casualness of casual sex and we trip, fumble and fall in getting and keeping loveships. We convince ourselves that we are saving our love for that special someone. We don't hold our bodies in high regard as we do our hearts. We do not connect love and sex, we act like they are not connected. We can have one without the other. But why would you want to? I am asking myself this. This is not a judgement. I am working this out...connecting the dots in my own life because I am realizing, I am not a casual woman. I thought I could be. I tried to be. I am not. I am a woman made for love. Aren't we all people made for love? If not then we have lots of work to do!

If we disconnect ourselves from love so easily to share our bodies, then why can't we love folks before bodies even touch? I ask again, what is it about love and saying I love you that costs us so much that we are willing to deny ourselves and the world around us the very thing that brings peace, joy and happiness to our world?

I am giving up disconnecting love and sex. I am no longer interested in one without the other. So my celibacy continues. I am holding out for love. I am apologizing to myself for trying to compromise my heart and body.

I am done rationing LOVE.

16 comments:

clnmike said...

Great post but I disagree with the idea that love can be given out like that. I look at it like a cat with nine lives you only have so much love in you before enough mishaps or one big one takes it all out of you. Thus it should be given out only when you are sure.

Lovebabz said...

Good morning Clnmike,
We are not cats. Love is infinite and does not run out. There is no such thing as sure. The only gurantee you have is death and of course taxes...(smile)

Moanerplicity said...

So true. It's often said that the body is a temple, but most of us don't treat it that way.

Love is the Greatest of all Temples we can possibly build, & yet many of us build our Love Temples upon shaky, untrustworthy foundations. When it tumbles & falls, we became love-shy. We stop believing in our own temple. We trade lust for love. We 'ration' real love in bits & pieces & in the end we end up cheating ourselves.

One.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Dearest Lovebabz,

You know I agree with choosing love (smile) and after my deep heartache I tried to give my body without love to no avail. I just couldn't do it. I have never been able to do it.

I think people forget that once you share your body with someone you are forever attached to that person. There is no getting around that, even if there are no emotions involved.

Although I don't show it on the outside, I am a very emotional creature by nature. I think I crave the intimacy and connection that comes from giving and receiving love. I was fortunate to recently meet someone who also believes that you should not give your body without love. How wonderful is that?

Lovebabz said...

Moanerplicity,
I do not want to be love shy. So I have to make a choice. I have to keep to my love list and not settle for anything less.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm,
That my Sister is DIVINE! I too am a deeply feeling person. That was not always the case. I have chipped away layers and layers of ice. I like the deep feelings!

I am happy for you!

Andrea said...

I thought that was so beautiful! I also am unable and unwilling to have one without the other. For me those 2 things have always been connected. To be with someone who I don't love or who doesn't love me feels like this huge lie and only makes me feel bad about myself the next day. And I think you are right. I believe your heart expands with time and with the new people who find places in your heart. When you have more and more children your heart grows and swells to make room for those special people. The more love you send out, the more you receive in return. It's a beautiful cycle.

Eusebia said...

What most people don't realise is that for one to be able to give as well as receive love in its best undiluted form one has to learn to love one's self first. If you love yourself you value your body, so you only make love, and can never have sex with someone you don't love.
Allow me to qoute what I wrote about love on my blog today.
"Sometimes love sure hurts but what would life be without it? To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness....
That would be a hellish heartless kind of life and I personally wouldn't enjoy such a life which is devoid of love. Love, though it hurts sometimes, makes my life worth living, it brings peace, happiness and excitement into life.
I repeat, to love is to take risks, to expose our hearts. Yes sometimes it hurts. It hurt Christ, but he kept on loving, even at the cost of his life. Loving is Christ-like and its better than locking your heart in a coffin of self-centredness.
Even though love has hurt me over and over again I will continue to love because loving is what I do, it's what I as a Christian am known for. Take note that the only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is hell. So if you are living a loveless life you are actually living in hell.

Lovebabz said...

Hello Andrea,

You are so right. Yes we can certainly have sex without love. But I do not want to. I have made my mind up to be about love.

Hi Eusebia
You are so on point. Love is all encompassing. It is the same love that Christ shares, that we have for ourselves and our children. It is infinite and divine.

NoRegrets said...

Really nice post. I've been thinking that recently that it's been far too few times that I've had sex WITH love... And gotta reach for it also.

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Sistah!

This was so true and wonderfully written!

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

dont afear me jones

Lovebabz said...

No Regrets,
Yes it has been on my mind for a long long time. I am finally able to reconcile my heart with my passions.

Keisha "Kitten Isaacs,
Thank you kindly!

Torrance
Dearest, I am not afraid.

Aunt Jackie said...

What about chemistry? That thing that draws two people together before they have a chance to love?

I am certainly not one for allot of casual affairs but I also think that too much religion in my sex life is a buzz kill. I believe that Go created chemistry so that we could find one another in the crowd and to build desire....for love.


There are so many types of love and relationships that I can't imagine limiting myself and saying that only one form of love is acceptable.

Mizrepresent said...

Oh how i loved this lovebabz...for many reasons, one that i am embarking on new relationships on the daily...and this often comes to mind...i am going for love, excepting love and giving love!

Lovebabz said...

Hey AJ,
I get chemistry. I do not trust chemistry...LOL! I am not making ajudgement about what others choose to do. I am just working this out for myself. (smile)

Sister MizR,
Girl, YES!

rebecca said...

The Blossom

(1)

Merry, merry sparrow!

Under leaves so green,

A happy blossom

Sees you, swift as arrow,

Seek your cradle narrow

Near my bosom.

(2)

Pretty, pretty robin!

Under leaves so green,

A happy blossom

Hears you sobbing, sobbing,

Pretty, pretty, robin,

Near my bosom.

-----by maple story account