My son Gregory was the oldest child we adopted. He arrived when he was 5 years old, he is now 9 years old. He came with some mental health challenges. One being He hoard's food. We thought he had stopped but he has started back up. It is heart breaking to see a kid so wounded so young. He is afraid that he will be hungry again. He is not convinced in his soul that HERE he has more than enough. He knows it intellectually, but spiritually he is afraid. He is struggling. He has made great progress in the last 4 years since we adopted him. But, old wounds are hard to heal. So his fear is getting the best of him at the moment.
I understand that kind of fear. Being raped as a child and sold for sex to strangers by my father creates a level of fear that almost breaks you...almost. I have my issues that still haunt me. Not like my son's haunting. I have long since made some peace with my father and his abuse. However I struggle with some residual fall-out, like weight and body image. For me gaining weight has been the distance I needed to have between being that Little Girl and this Grown Woman. To be thinner would mean being back in that Little Girl space. That is my demon. There are others. But for the sake of today this is all I am prepared to hang-out to the world.
So as Gregory's Mother, I want to protect him and care for him and love him. I am not afraid of his mental health challenges. They all have their issues...all of my children have seen too much as children. I believe my role is to be an alternate route for them. A lighthouse for a safe passage. In being that for them, I get to be that for myself. The adults around me as a child did not/could not protect me for whatever reasons, but now I get to protect my children and in doing so, I go back and protect myself. I get to do for them what wasn't done for me. This makes me happy. It makes me strong and shows me just how powerful God is. God has entrusted me with the care of these children and in doing so, I suspect he has saved my life.
Sandra San-Viki Chapman
I need to be with me now
I need to let myself love me deeply
Care for me tenderly
Help me carefully
I need to take me in my arms
Rock myself into a deep sleep
And rest until my spirit rises
Renewed and willed for a work