My son Gregory was the oldest child we adopted. He arrived when he was 5 years old, he is now 9 years old. He came with some mental health challenges. One being He hoard's food. We thought he had stopped but he has started back up. It is heart breaking to see a kid so wounded so young. He is afraid that he will be hungry again. He is not convinced in his soul that HERE he has more than enough. He knows it intellectually, but spiritually he is afraid. He is struggling. He has made great progress in the last 4 years since we adopted him. But, old wounds are hard to heal. So his fear is getting the best of him at the moment.
I understand that kind of fear. Being raped as a child and sold for sex to strangers by my father creates a level of fear that almost breaks you...almost. I have my issues that still haunt me. Not like my son's haunting. I have long since made some peace with my father and his abuse. However I struggle with some residual fall-out, like weight and body image. For me gaining weight has been the distance I needed to have between being that Little Girl and this Grown Woman. To be thinner would mean being back in that Little Girl space. That is my demon. There are others. But for the sake of today this is all I am prepared to hang-out to the world.
So as Gregory's Mother, I want to protect him and care for him and love him. I am not afraid of his mental health challenges. They all have their issues...all of my children have seen too much as children. I believe my role is to be an alternate route for them. A lighthouse for a safe passage. In being that for them, I get to be that for myself. The adults around me as a child did not/could not protect me for whatever reasons, but now I get to protect my children and in doing so, I go back and protect myself. I get to do for them what wasn't done for me. This makes me happy. It makes me strong and shows me just how powerful God is. God has entrusted me with the care of these children and in doing so, I suspect he has saved my life.
Sandra San-Viki Chapman
Relationship
I need to be with me now
I need to let myself love me deeply
Care for me tenderly
Help me carefully
I need to take me in my arms
Rock myself into a deep sleep
And rest until my spirit rises
Renewed and willed for a work
Long overdue
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
9 months ago
Posts
9 comments:
Man, this is a tear jerker this morning...in a healing way. So many people can identify with your story in one way or the other. I was just thinking about this this morning and will be blogging about it later....insecurities and figuring out where the come from.
As someone that used to work with children that were/are in the system and seeing the effect that a unhealed parent or caregiver passes on to their children can be devastating. However, like you said...it is a blessing to know that God has chosen such an awesome task to give you. A task that He knows that you can complete or He would not have given it to you. One to fully love your children and ultimately yourself.
Babz, every time I pick up the proverbial "writer's pen," my goal is to communicate with honesty, passion and with a POV that is uniquely my own. If I ever needed a standard to live by, it would be you and your ability to excel in those areas. Please keep writing and always keep being real!
Dearest Artist in Me,
I do so appreciate and look forward to your posts. Thank you and you are right God would not entrust me with these children if he didn't fully beleive and trust that i could.
K.O. Johnson,
WOW! WOW! Thank you kindly. I think perhaps you pay me an undeserved compliment. I am grateful for your spirit.
Once again beautiful lady you have shared such a huge piece of yourself with us that we find it hard to believe! Though you are never selfish and give us so much of the real you, we just can't seem to get enough and thus always want more!
Recently I sent a questionnaire to friends and family to determine how well they really know me. I was gratified to find that most seem to see me the way I hope to be perceived by others. I don't know what image it is that you hope to reveal, but I can tell you that there is no way you can hope to be perceived as any more beautiful and loving than what we see when we look at you ;-)
You are what I aspire to be...
Sharon,
I'll say it again for the hundreth time, I LOVE when you drop in to post, because it is like a conversation. You are amazing and kind.
I cried when I read this.
You are so right about the gap between Gregory's intellectual knowledge and his heart's acceptance. How wonderful that he has a mother who understands.
As far as your own journey -- you and I have a lot in common. I am a late-bloomer, because I am only just now realizing how much my strange childhood affects my relationships and outlook.
You have a beautiful and nourishing spirit Lovebabz...God has gifted you with these babies for not just their healing but for yours as well...hugz lady, you are truly an inspiration. And believe this...i know there is no greater love than that of a mother and child!
May-Bee,
Tears can be quite restorative. Thank you...yes we are very much alike..I can feel that.
Mizrepresent, thank you. Your spirit is the one that lifts me. If you think I am loving, it is because you are also loving and it carries all the way over here to me!
My adopted son did a little of that when I first got him. He was so malnourished from his previous foster home. It's heartbreaking. You wrote this so long ago, and I hope he's better now.
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