I was over at Eggbeater a lovely blog by Shuna Fish Lydon. In her post Dancing With More Than One Partner she talks about being courted. You know, that days gone by custom of actually getting to know someone over a long period of time to decide if you want to spend more time with them over a longer period of time...That kind of Courting.
That post struck me right to my heart. I WANT TO BE COURTED! Yes indeed I do! An old fashioned outdated, so last millennium courtship. I know, what is a modern woman to do and how could I even frame this out as a possibility and who the hell would want to? Let alone finding a man willing to go the distance with no end or possibility of ass in site. But still, this resonates with me. A real courtship.
I would have to alert my friends, both "True Love"friends and blogsphere friends of my intentions. I would trust they they would look around and think long and hard about possible suitors...see, I am getting into this...check my language...suitors! They could look at my Love List as a guide. I would await introductions and then begin.
I imagine long telephone conversations. Handwritten letters and notes are a must! I would like a picnic in the park on a Sunday afternoon after Church. I would like to go for a walk at dusk. He would see me to my door and kiss my hand good night. I would like to get out early on Saturday morning and get to the Farmer's Market to buy hand-made jams and jellies, fruits and flowers and homemade baked treats. We would part for the day feeling like we had a good time with no expectation of anything else except best wishes for each other. I want to go dancing...slow dancing, to good music that harken back to a time when lyrics were about love and commitment and respect and being good to somebody.
I know this is so not what is done now. We are all so busy and in a hurry and no one ever has time to write a handwritten letter or note. We text and twitter and beep and page. We go to Happy Hour and Clubs in groups. I want to slow it down and change the script. I want engaging and witty conversation...not filled with sexual innuendo or provocative talk. I want authenticity and charm. Not bravado and ego and bragging. I want candlelight dinners and moonlit nights holding hands and laughing. I want chivalry and honor. I want respect. I want breathless kisses at my front door with a promise to leave it at that. No pressure for more, for tricks, for blow jobs, or anything that moves us somewhere too fast. I want to exercise restraint in all matters of my heart. I want to discover and accept and share and reveal and cultivate our feelings and our hearts desires.
I want to be courted. I want to be wooed. I want to be wanted as if I were the best woman on the planet.
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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35 comments:
Tell em how you really feel, Babz!! You want to be courted!!
I want to be wanted as if I were the best woman on the planet.
And I must say, your post was a nice mini-thesis on that.
And no you didn't throw in blow jobs. Dang, woman. You kept it real, didn't you!? I laughed hard and almost choked on the water I was drinking when I read THAT! LOL LOL
Ain't it funny, the older we get, the more refined we become as women... the less we care about the blow jobs and the trick turning?
(You know, I'm going to be chuckling over that all day. Thanks a lot)
Well, truth is truth. Here's to the hope that you'll have the courtship you so desire.
Good morning Miss Ladylee,
Everything is sofast these days that we really don't spend time in each other's company listening and enjoying each other in non sexual ways. I am so a Woman for sex, but there is so much more to our loveships. I can give a good blow job if I am not rushed and the environment is conducive to mutual enjoyment. But I want more of a profound meeting of the minds.
Have a good day...people are going to think you have a secret if you break out and start laughing out loud to yourself through out the day...LOL!
You put it out there and the universe has no other option than to grant your request!
I think it is great that you have laid out exactly what you desire. That way when you get what you want you won't be suprised, or maybe you will. Who knows!
I need to remind my hubby every now and then about it used to be. Not in a nagging way, but in a very reminiscent (almost whinning) way! :-) I digress!
Be open to your request. Who knows how it will be delivered. You could be in your front yard, mowing your lawn (throwback to one of your previous post) and he might just show up in the form of the UPS man or the Milkman (with the price of milk these days...).
ohh! I can't wait to read how this plays out! I am excited for you!
Great post! Thanks for giving me something to write about!
Hello Monica,
Yes I am very open! I realized I am not a Woman for casual sex. I wanted to be, was hoping to be...but I am not and the universe has shown me that I am not. So when courting was mentioned it just resonated with me. So I think that is where my attention ought to be!
I can't wait to see how this all plays out too! LOL!
now thats old school
so stilll sounds like prinmce charming jones
Hey Torrance,
Yes indeed old school...LOL! I am thinking I got to go back to a simpler time. Perhaps it does feel like I am seeking Prince Charming...but not in a rescuing sort of way. I want someone very much like myself. I am this way. I want someone who has some of this and can appreciate that I am like this.
It is lovely to have you visit!
*clapping my hands and smiling*
ME TOO, GIRL!!!! ME TOO!!!!
I want to be courted as well. Good old-fashioned, enjoy-my-company kind of courting.
It's coming, knowing what you want is taking the first step. Not allowing anything less than what you want is the next one ;)
Sister Kay C. The Quiet Storm,
I know! isn't it fabulous! I had no idea that I was going to get all excited about being old fashioned! But I swear it suits me! And I know the universe will respond.
Well let me say that I love being courted and as a resulted and often if not always courted in my relationships. Flowers, gifts in the mail, trips and treats are the norm when being courted. Like attracts like, which is to say that I am not attracted to men who do much less than court me.
I still introduce men to my father and let him give them the "talk" and bottom line is quality over quantity.
I am here to tell you its possible and that you are worth it all. Keep your eyes open and stay away from men who would treat you like Less than a queen!
Aunt Jackie,
Yes you are so right! It took me a minute to realize that I am not a woman for casual encounters. the last few months have shown me that..like a smack upside my head!
I got it! I got it!
Great minds think alike! I, too want to be courted, woo'ed & SEDUCED;-). Sadly, so many lazy men can get their needs fulfilled without effort. But, I still am holding ON & holding OUT for the Discriminating Brother! I also decided I will begin to ask new "pursuers" what their intentions are....
Yea, I'm bring old-fashioned sexy back! LOL!
Capcity,
I swear it was like an ephiphany! I read that post and BOOM all the lights clicked on. And I ahd to ask myself why am I willing to give myself away for so little? So I am puttin the breaks on trying to have a casual affair and work on having a courtship.
I am with you...bringing old-fashioned sexy BACK!
I want to go dancing...slow dancing
That's where the trouble begins. But I feel you on all the rest. I remember seeing you write about wanting to have sex and something in me said you just didn't look the part. I knew you were trying to force the issue as if the act would have given you your "mojo" back. I'm glad you've come to your senses. That's what grown women do.
I love you Fitzgerald! You are so very right! I was indeed trying to force something. Ahhh the grace of clarity and coming to one's senses. I am a Grown Woman!
I feel you on this.. I almost try as much as i can getting to know somone to 'court' them. Alot of young ladies dont like the courtship phase anymore;let alone the rest of America.. I hope you get that one day, cause if that what you want and its done honestly- its beautiful to say you have that history with that person.. Freinds who play that 'were just freinds' role, liking each other- those are the ones that experience the closest thing to what your talking about these days.. -Q.
Hey Q,
I am glad to hear men are interested in courting too! Yes it is difficult these days. I think women are conflicted and I think if they were honest with themselves they would slow things down a bit.
Well I am going to live how I want and love how I want.
It is good having you come through!
Babz,
I'm gonna ask a hard question:
Do we as women really know how to RECEIVE a man schooled in the art? Are we so accustomed to convincing lesser men to love us and and settling crumbs that we resist a man's attempts at courtship?
As a woman who is being courted, I'm gonna be honest and say that the courted woman faces challenges of her own:knowing how to receive kindness; learning how to yield; shit, learning how to let a man open a door!
I KNOW that the art of courting exists today but I know a woman has to be committed to her internal work to enjoy it.
Dearest Jennifer,
Hard answer NO! I think we are not really prepared to accept a man who steps to us with courtship in mind. YES we are always ready and willing to convince lesser men to be with us, love us.
I too know it exist and I am doing the necessary work in preparation.
An older lady at work asked me who I was courting b/c of a dress I was wearing. I just laughed and said "my husband"
Hey Pajnstl,
That is too funny! Yes courting is a very old fashioned concept...almost unheard of!
Hey Sistah!
ME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I settled for less back in the day...but I recognize who I am now...and I can't go back to less than the best treatment....can I get an Amen?
Sister Keisha,
Let the people say AMEN! Yes I am finally resolute about this.
There is no going back now!
Oh lady, yes, yes, yes...i so hear you. I feel like that is happening to me, and i appreciate the slowness, mosttimes, but other times apart of me wants to rush it.lol. I know, i haven't quite crossed that line into be patient as i need to be, but right now things are good...i want more of this, i need more of this. You said it all, you said exactly how i feel.
Hey Mizr,
I know sometimes I want all the lights to be greeen! But Ithink Ia mgoing to try another approach. I am going to take my time. Act like a fine bottle of wine!
I am glad you found this of interest!
I'd like to second the emotions of -q & jennifer. And thank you so much for your generous link and taking what I've said to another level.
Courting is about patience and respect-- both ways, not just towards the woman. For me, respecting myself, and being clear with another person, is about not judging what I want in the moment, so long as decisions are made sober & consensually.
Good for you for telling the universe what you want, no matter how it seems or looks. What I love to know is people who are empowering themselves from the inside-out, and that's what I feel here.
Thank you for sharing your important voice with us here, and what amazing comments you've garnered from this heartfelt post!
Hello Shuna Fish Lydon,
Thank you so much for inspiring me. I swear it was like a bolt of lightening.
You are so right about courting being about patience. I too believe that I need to come at my loveships honestly.
Thanks for coming by...you are always welcome here!
If you want to be "La Princesa Dorada" to some man's "Principe Azul" you had better also like feudalism.
Prince Charming or "El Principe Azul" as he's known down here is a fairy tale because no such creature existed. Even in the fairy tale "El Principe Azul" got himself an awful lot of sex!
If you were a woman in a titled family and were being courted by a titled man, you and your dowry became that man's property once your father gave the thumbs-up.
If you refer to a pre-1964 America, well you sure take the bitter with the better on that, too.
You are a well-educated woman who has spent her fair share of time among the ruling class of today's USA. Life may move at a slightly more leisurely pace in that environment but for every hour of free time you get you pay with your freedom from other strictures.
It's a reality that real life moves fast and there's too much to do and not enough time to do it. But that hardly means LOVE is impossible. The kind of love you feel that causes you to wake up each morning thrilled to be alive. That sort of thing. The courtship period is merely foreshortened these day because of tectonic social and economic changes. LOVE may follow rather than proceed a reckless hookup, for example.
Or "courtship" might consist of a long platonic friendship you might have with a man which evolves slowly with the tincture of time.
I doubt there's another country in the democratic developed world which has the kind of socially agreed-to contract of long periods of delayed sex for the sheer enjoyment of it than America does. You're in the right place if anywhere's right for a long courtship period. That's for sure.
If I'm not mistaken there was a fad for a few years in the US not so long ago for long platonic courtships. I was living in Europe and then in Las Vegas in that era so it missed me completely. In England and Spain men who did this sort of thing were kind of jokingly referred to as "New Men" or "Tios Nuevos". That was kind of a stock character in the popular TV comedies of the time.
I can't say if that kind of thing was going on in Las Vegas then because I really spent most of my time with the upper echelon of professional gamblers and that is a workaholic's life. Mostly, the men I knew were married, had girlfriends or were looking for casual sex and not at all willing to put in courting time because of the demands of the work.
Perhaps, in the normal business community the "new man" and the long-courting style was in vogue in LV then, but I couldn't tell you one way or the other.
I do know that when I moved back to NYC, I would hear women complain that men had become too passive. And that these long courtship periods left them confused as to whether the man wasn't turned on physically or whether he was too scared or require too much effort to be worth the bother.
Hey Senior Kelso,
I hear what you are saying. And as always you are right on the money. But I not wanting to run through men. I don't want to have astring of sexual partners. I do not want to try lovers on and discard, and move onto the next.
I do not want a man in and out of this body. I do not want to change lovers like I change my shoes, or my hair. I want one lover for a period of time...preferably till death do us part. Yes I tried that once before and got to 12 years. Not a bad track record.
I just want to take my time. I just want to connect with someone honestly.
HIV is destroying the African American community. It will become increasingly hard to be casual with sex. I am a young woman and I do not want to put myself in harms way.
LOVEBABZ: I'm hardly saying to go wild. You have your standards and they are your own.
There is something to be said for a sort of Zen approach to these things and to relax do what you enjoy work-wise and for hobbies, and let your mind and body tell you what they want, when they want it and how they want it.
A plan is good. A flexible plan is better.
On the subject of health and safety vis-a-vis, I think a rigid plan is THE ONLY PLAN. No reason not to be absolutely direct and upfront about all that when situations present themselves.
At an essential level, most of want to be courted. I love my husband and we have a great relationship, but we don't court much any more. Every so often out of the blue he treats me like he did when he was trying to impress me. It is NICE.
For my part I try to remember to treat him that way, with the idea that if you want some sweetness, it helps to offer some of your own.
Thanks for the reminder.
Hi Nonlinear Girl,
Ah thanks for stopping by and sharing. Yes indeed you have to be what you are seeking!
You are welcome to drop in anyitme!
i think we all want that...i was sort of courted, although i fell FAST, head first into it...lol so it was like secondary courting. either way, it's FUN!
Hello TPW!
LOL! I like the secondary courting. Very charming!
You deserve it, lady. You do.
Flutter,
Thank you! We all deserve Good LOVE!
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