Sunday, November 16, 2008

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: HURT

My feelings hurt very easily. I take things very personally. I have trained myself to be that way. I decided long ago that whatever the emotion is I want to feel it and allow myself the respect of knowing how I feel. When you have known the kind of childhood abuse I have endured you learn to turn off. To not connect to people or things or places. You have no roots. You never belong or feel safe. I have decided that I do not want to live that way. It has taken me years to soften my skin and to allow emotion to emerge. I am very happy to feel hurt. I can feel hurt.

Now that does not mean I put up with folks who cut me with their words. I will not. When you call someone stupid, it is disrespectful. It means you do not value them or their presence in your life. I care so deeply about the folks that I have in my life that I know their presence reinforces my belief in God and the divinity. Yes friends will hurt your feelings, especially if they voice an opinion that is contrary to your own, or if they are speaking truth to power and you are refusing to be in truth. But to be insulted at the hands of someone you care about and have high regard for is indeed painful.

So what to do when someone hurts your feelings? Does it mean they have no regard for your intelligence, fortitude and yes feelings? I have chosen to do nothing. I have chosen to remain silent and cool. The apology offered says to me that there is awareness of hurting my feelings and acting in a manner that does not speak to love and kindness. That's it.

The world does not tip on its side because my feelings are hurt. But it does make the world seem smaller and colder. My charge is to just know that each encounter with another is designed to teach me something. To show me something. Even if it shows me that what I thought about someone was off base. Or perhaps I need to remember what friendship means and is.

You teach people how to treat you. I believe this. So I have to own my part leading up to hurt feelings. I do. And I must also keep some perspective and not carry my hurt feelings further.

That is the real lesson..to not carry this baggage any further. To feel the hurt and move on.

15 comments:

Mizrepresent said...

Kudo's to you Lovebabz, beautifully said.

flutter said...

that just goes to show what I wise woman you are

The Bear Maiden said...

Abuse isn't what caused the walls around my hurt... but more a lot of moving around, knowing early that people come and go, that nothing is solid. Things change. Drastically.

And then the abuse came and I fortified those walls, and it was only within the past two years... really since I started writing my blog, that I learned to let the walls down. And I hurt too. And hurt sucks, man, there's just no way around it. But I know what you mean about feeling, vs. not feeling. It's definitely better knowing you can feel pain. Cuz sometimes NOT feeling anything is scary as hell.

And your friends can hurt you. They can hurt you more than anyone else, because you let them in. But I've learned that you can't control what other people do... you can only control your reaction to it. And sometimes... your friends don't MEAN to hurt you. And yeah sometimes they do... and if they do it continually you need to consider them toxic and cut them loose.

But forgiveness is a powerful thing. To be hurt by someone, and be able to forgive them, and for them to be able to make it right, strengthens bonds.

And it's good to be able to forgive yourself for being hurt. Being hurt doesn't make you weak or stupid, or gullible. Being hurt means that you were brave enough to expose yourself, and that you are strong enough to survive it.

So long as you don't let it happen continuously ;)

Be brave, sister. Cuz I know you are.

Somebodies Friend said...

You are speaking to me with this post Lovebabz, I used to hold on to my bad feelings, like a resenrment that I owned and didn't want to give up.

But now I tell people that I care about how I feel when they make me angry, then move on, bucause holding on to the resentment doesn't hurt anyone but me.

Nobody else cares if I am really upset and holding a resentment, as a matter of fact they will probably laugh at me and tell me where to go with it if I stay in the anger and fear!

I remember thinking when I was younger when I was talkig to a proffesional, that I didn't 'feel' anything, they were trying to get me to explain my emotions, and I didn't have any.

It seemed like the only emotions I had were calm and rageful.

I either didn't say anything and didn't feel, or someone would set me off and I would go into a RAGE.

Today I actually seem to feel things that happen to me, even though it is stll very very difficult for me to open up to someone that I first meet, like near impossible.

It is extremely frustrating!

Dallas Black said...

Well, at least the person apologized which goes a long way. We all are wrong at times but it takes a big person to say they sorry. Assuming they meant it I hope you can accept that. You never know what is going on in other people's lives however I understand you are more vulnerable than others.

Dallas Black
www.thirtyhood.com

The Artist In Me said...

Hey Love,

What I've learned is that indeed I must acknowledge and feel the pain and move on. But more importantly, I am learning that sometimes present hurts set me up for future successes, even if it is at the hands of those that I love and claim to love me in return.

In the end I am learning to trust that what GOD allows is best for me. After all, He knows better than I!

Be blessed!

NoRegrets said...

It's a lesson that everyone needs to learn. For some it's harder. I had a hard time learning it. Feel the emotion, but dont' get stuck in it.

Lovebabz said...

Hey MizR,
Thank you. It took me a few days to really think about what I wanted to say.

Flutter,
Hhmm sometimes I feel like wisdom eludes me. Thank you.

The Bear Maiden,
Thank you kindly for this clarity. You really helped me to get to another level with my feelings around this. I appreciate you taking the time to share with me.

Somebodies Friend,
I have issues of trust and loyalty. But I am aware that they exist and so I can confront them and overcome them when they show up as fear.

Dallas Black,
Yes I have forgiven. Anything can be forgiven if you are open to love.

Hey AIM,
Yes you are so right. That is why I am not fretting over this.

Noregrets,
Yes. I am one to dwell in pain and heartache. But somehow not this time. This time I feel rather empowered and liberated. I took sometime not to speak to this person. and I feel good. Wheter we speak again will be seen.

CapCity said...

I am learning to feel whatever I'm feeling without being "floored" by it ... good to hear your perspective, Sistah Babz!

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

"That is the real lesson..to not carry this baggage any further. To feel the hurt and move on."

You nailed it there, Lovebabz. Baggage is heavy and ties up your hands, symbolic of one's creativity and also their ability to reach out to others.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

i cant answer that - i looked at Spock my entire life growing up - be a vulcan

Lovebabz said...

Capcity,
Sister, it is good to won what we feel. Not let the feelings own us.

KIT,
I want to have an open heart. I want to be in love always.

Torrance,
Vulcans do not exist except in TV land. However I see your point. But why would I want to not feel? Even if it hurts. It is all a part of being alive and well.

MsKnowitAll said...

Sister Lovebabz,

I too allow myself to feel every and any emotion. It's such a blessing knowing and learning more and more of yourself and it's such a blessing that you have shared this part of you with us.

I tried to desensitize myself and I've found that I strayed away from who I am emotionally. Just like you... I feel, I grieve, I mourn, I heal.

TRUTHZ said...

u give me courage to know there is a balance. i have had a rough childhood...heck a rough adulthood and i am kinda flipflop between the extremes of not feeling at all or feeling too much, taking everything personally.

it's crazy because if it's a guy that i am really dealing then it's going to be the supersensitive person that's gonna come out

if it's someone who has burnt all their bridges it's gonna be, um have we ever met person...to the point that if you died it wouldn't faze me.. even if we related.. and well now, i am trying to find a middle ground

Pajnstl said...

I've heard it before that people only do what you allow them to do.

Here's to NOT allowing them to treat you badly! :)