Flutter is my blog Sister. I was on a panel with her at BlogHer 08 in San Francisco. We are connected by sexual violence committed against us. We both have created healing blog communities. We are both on this journey toward happiness and completion and love. She wrote this moving post. It speaks to me in such a grand way I knew I wanted to repost it here. She said I could. I am grateful!
I dedicate this to someone dear to me. ((RWT))
I love you, in you know, a completely platonic way….
Posted by Flutter November 24th, 2008
An empty page, a blinding lack of words where always, I have one.
or two.
I draw inward at the scope of this and I wonder how much two people can endure. I wonder how much of me I can inflict on you. I wonder, if you know. If you know how much I truly love you. I wonder if you know how your laughter fills me. How your brilliance awes me. How you are all of the things I am not.
How I can never be all of the things you are.
How I want you. Always, to be filling what is empty in me. What is made for you. I may not always say or show, sometimes my pain is so great that I am afraid to open the door. But I want you in. I want you on every wall, behind every door, in every corner. I want your presence, your smell your love to shake the dust out of all of the dead parts and pull out what is vibrant.
I want your support, always. I always strive to make you proud and come up so short. I am afraid to ask for what I need, not because I think you will not give it, but because I think I am not worth the favor. Before you, no one has ever believed. Not even me. Especially not me. But I am trying. Small steps into the light.
Into your light.
I love you in all the ways I thought possible and even more all the ways I never even considered
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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5 comments:
Ironic you bring this topic up because while I'm a believer in the rule of law and the Constitution, and more than that even. I believe in an overhaul of the criminal justice system and support the Legal Aid Society heart and soul.
I have certain areas in which I'm not that evolved and rape and child abuse are those areas.
I think my tribe in Big Sammy has gone too soft living in the suburbs, now.
We used to take a very, very dim view of "short eyes" where I come from. When I was a kid about the worst mistake any adult could make was messing around with a Jewish child, raping or beating a Jewish woman. Even and especially within the community. And with regard to abuse of the pre-prepubescent? Well...I'm not telling any tales out of school but it never used to get to an issue of the cops or the system or the law or the constitution or anybody's "rights".
The extended family gets together and has a discussion in the old language in hushed tones and decides the who, the what, the when, the where, the how, the how much, and the how-bad. And it's done. And if there are any repercussions those responsible are dealt with old country style.
Any of our aggrieved got love and support and therapy.
That's how it was, anyway.
These suburban nouveau riche kikes don't know how to take care of their families or their shit. They've become some other version of American innocents.
Jesse Jackson hit the nail right on the head with that one as weird and twisted as he can be at times.
Feh! A shondj!
Very moving post Babz, I can feel the love and the pain, they do go hand in hand unfortunately.
I'll have to visit flutters blog, she her writing is incredible.
this is absolutely lovely. it makes me think fondly of love which is something i haven't done much of lately.
Thank you for reposting this in your space, Sister. It means more to me than I can possibly tell you.
You are worth every ounce of love. Every ounce.
I am moved.
Not just because of the words here, touching and emotive as they are... but because I know someone very close to me who could have written these very same words, verbatim.
It makes me sad. It makes me think that this situation is NOT as rare and unique or esoteric as it should be. It says there is a large part of this population, perhaps its even global, who have experienced some terrible things at the uncaring hands of some sick individuals, and who has felt diminished in their personhood.
You know you are NOT alone, becuase you have fellowshiped and networked with others who share the same scars... and have been on the blunt ends of some truly INHUMANE ish, and are in the process of trying to heal.
I just wish such words and emotions and the surviving of such experiences would never have been necessary.
May healing continue.
SJ!
One.
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