An Extraordinary Life Examined.
Notes and views on being an EX-Wife, Mother, Felon and Citizen of the world. This is my personal journey of how I am moving forward with grace and tenderness.
I am not crazy about the frenetic video, BUT THS SONG IS HOT! I am changing the lyrics and inserting: I GOT A FEELING THAT 2011 IS GONNA BE A GOOD GOOD YEAR! I GOT A FEELING THAT 2011 IS GONNA BE A GOOD GOOD YEAR!
I love Christmas! Those that know me best can attest to this. I happily and whole heartedly celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine's Day and my birthday with GUSTO! Nothing gets in my way or on my nerves. Whatever drama is unfolding I don't care, I stay in the holiday spirit! The trick going into next year is keeping this spirit alive and well all year long. That's one of my resolutions! I am by nature and choice optimistic and romantic.
There is love all around. There is joy to be had or as my blog brother Lin who blogs over at Moanerplicities always suggests Snatch JOY! Indeed I am! Love is a choice. Living well is a choice. I have done remarkably well in choosing love over fear. Don't get me wrong, I have many missteps and mistakes under my belt, but that's all a part of this living we all are desperate to do.
Merry Merry Happy Happy! That sums it all up for me. I will be back in 2011 with new adventures to seek out, more love to make and joy to snatch!
Yes I am declaring it I WANT A HUSBAND! I am ready. Being with Mr. Love has made me realize I am a woman meant for marriage, partnership and commitment. So on my Christmas list to Santa, next to world peace, food for all, I want a husband. Being married was lovely and I was sad that marriage ended. I am not one of those people against marriage just because a marriage ended. That marriage was not a failure, it produced 4 beautiful children and truth be told my ex and I are better partners apart. We have become much more balanced parents and I love that.
So, Dear Santa, I have a long standing Love List that would greatly guide your efforts. Yes I know I am a complicated woman...who isn't? I am realistic, I don't expect him to be under the tree this year! However next year I will be waiting!
So finally He packed his things and moved out. It took some doing to get him out of my house, and now it's done! I do not miss the arguing, the nasty, snide comments, the disapproving glances, the quiet retreats from everyday basic conversation. We just didn't get along.
It started with so much promise. I had hoped this loveship would be thrilling, enriching, empowering and comforting. What it really turned out to be was kooky unmet expectations. Ignorant thinking, poor intellectual stimulation and great sex. Not enough to build anything of substance. "If only I would"... He would lament day in and day out. If only I would be, do, think a certain kind of way. If only I never challenged him on decisions, ridiculous stances of right and wrong and truth. If only he could be the lord and master of our fate. As I look back on the last year, I realized I got just what I asked for. I got a poorly defined loveship with someone with a few of the things I like in a person, but not enough to root me to them. I like smart men, that matters to me. I like thinking, conscious, world saving men. I like men who don't run away when things get tough or challenging or messy. I like men who don't whine. I like men who know how to be in family and put down roots. I like men who like women...just as they are. I like men who like themselves. He did not like being in the world as it is. He always saw doom and gloom and ugliness. Ugghh he was depressing to my spirit.
Oh I tried and tried to make it work. Turned myself into a pretzel trying to make it work. Dimmed my own bright lights trying to make this mess work. I am relieved beyond measure not having him underfoot. I am glad he is gone. The truth is he really wasn't here. He really wasn't present. I have to admit that he used my home as a pit stop. A place to be while he was in-between here and there. He has always been in between spaces and places. He has never finished anything. He has run from more challenging situations than I care to count. But his life and shortcoming are not mine to count. I have my own lessons to discern from this experience.
He has indeed made me a richer woman in owning my truths and valuing what I need and want in a partner. I have a map. A love List that still speaks volumes to what I want in my life. He can say whatever, think whatever. I know he was wrong wrong wrong for me. I am not missing him at all.
This is such a beautiful song. It speaks lovingly to this time of the year. Where ever you are on this holiday season I hope you are warm and cared for. I am holding the world in my prayers. I am indeed thankful for coming this far.
I am still riding the wave of happiness and seeking peace. Even in the midst of other dramas and crisis I am standing in seeking peace. I want to be happy and that requires me doing my part in my life. I can no longer seek outside influences to bring me my heart's desires. It begins inside. If I am depressed, I am responsible to turn my mind around. If that means seeking help, then that's what I must do. I can not afford to lose time wallowing in self-pity and doubt.
The same goes for losing weight. I have to continue to move my butt. Eat mindfully. Enjoy my food without shame.
"I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt...Contrition, yes, but guilt no. Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh. All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right. Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated. Guilt is a trap. People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing. Contrition, you move forward. It's over. You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt." ...Sister Wendy Beckett as told to Bill Moyer, taken for the book The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.
I found this passage profoundly moving and divinely directed to me. It is no accident that I came across this passage this week.... I finish federal probation this week. I served 29 days in federal prison camp, 5 months house arrest/confinement and 3 years supervised release...probation. It is time to let go of the guilt and for the last 3 years I couldn't let it go. This passage illuminates my path toward letting go. This is the week I let it all go and truly move on from it. No longer hiding in shame. No longer beating myself up. I am worthy of being in this world and enjoying this life.
I am still feeling good about all the possibilities ahead of me. Oh yes, I have major issues to deal with...my house and saving it. Trying to figure out if we can afford to send our oldest daughter to parochial high school next year. Keeping all the children clothed and fed on a tight budget. And yet I am happy.
I put up new curtains in the living room and dinning room. I saved for 5 months to get interlined drapes to insulate the windows this winter. I am so proud of that effort. It is a small pleasure, and man-oh-man it makes me feel so good! I realize at this point in my life that I truly can choose to wring my hands in despair or worry, or I can look for the small pleasures in the day and find joy and delight in breathing and walking. I've been through some tough crippling times and I remain strong and rooted. I would love more money...not to make me happy, but to take away some of the immediate concerns of survival. Regardless all is good. All is well. All shall be well.
This is my favorite time of the year. A time of snuggling and crisp air and pies baking. I am alright.
The house is clean and 75% de-cluttered (basement & linen closet need work). I have put out my small collection of Fall decorations. The geraniums on the front steps are still blooming. I am feeling good.
I have been sticking to my work out/weight training program. I feel great. If I keep this up results are sure to follow! I am feeling good. It's been a long time coming. I haven't felt this good through and through in a very long time. My thoughts have been positively positive! I am feeling good.
I do believe I have turned another corner in my large lived life. I feel the presence of God just moving me forward with a gentle push. I am still standing in grace. I know how far I've come. I remember just a short while ago, my mind and heart were in a dangerously low place and I was deathly afraid. It seems long ago, but it wasn't, so I must be mindful to protect and nurture this good feeling.
These are the sweetest days. The air is crisp, the leaves are turning and I am dreaming of holiday feasts with family and friends. Love is all around and I swear I can taste it!
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
I can feel the wolves at the door. I can feel the magnitude of my life weighing unduly heavy. It is these moments where I must summon all my faith. Be still and listen for God's directive. I am not afraid... I can see how I can be afraid. There is so much at stake. I don't have the luxury of whining abut how tough it is. It is what it is. I have to keep my head straight. I have children who depend on me to provide. I depend on me. Opting out is not an option.
First comes the test...then the lesson. This is how I believe God works sometimes.
So here I am standing in the same place of uncertainty, lack and self-pity. The big difference is I am not accepting any of it. I am not allowing any of the negative vibes to take hold in my spirit. I am refusing to feel sad, hopeless and depressed. All is not lost. It may feel like it, but then again feelings can be illusion. THIS IS MY TEST: What will I do in the face of enormous challenges?
There are good things just up ahead and that's the direction I am going. THAT'S THE LESSON! Move in the direction of the blessings. Forward.
Movement and sweating is critical to change. You gotta move the butt to clear the mind. You gotta sweat to flush the toxins out of your body. You can de-clutter your living space all you want, but if your mind is cluttered then you've done very little by way of change.
I am feeling good these days. I have been active everyday since I took up this 100 Days Challenge (sure you can say 100 day challenge) Anyway, I want to be strong and svelte. I want to get rid of my pillow....code for: that big tummy that I spend a ridiculous amount of money trying to hide with big shirts, tunics and caftans. I want to glide in my heels. I want to wear whatever I want to wear. I want to be around to see my kids live their lives.
So I am moving my butt EVERYDAY! I have DVDs and weights and good sneakers and wii and access to parks. I am committed to moving everyday just as I am committed to brushing my teeth. It is that serious. The change for me is a top to bottom all over change. I want a different outcome.
Move sweat move sweat move. That's the mantra. That's where I pick up the charge and run with it.
Join me in the 100 days challenge. Every day start with a cleansing breath as prayer, say a prayer if it moves you. Eat mindfully. Enjoy your own company. Love those in your circle and tell them. Write to someone. Tell a joke. Look for the best in everyone. Be kind. Start and keep a gratitude journal---each day write down at least 3 things you are grateful for that day. Enjoy a glass of water---at least 8 times a day. Take a walk around your neighborhood, or downtown. Get to bed early, try to give yourself 8 hours of good sleep. and smile. Let me know if your in. Let me know how you are doing. Feel free to add and share your own ways to live more fully.
You have only one sacred duty:
to make your spirit available to others.
You do this by sharing what you already are
in this and every moment.
If you are loving, you share your loving.
If you are suffering, you share your suffering.
If you are healing, you share your healing.
Why waste precious energy arguing with God about
what it is that is yours to share right now,
worrying how your broken bit could be of
use.
Trust that however unlikely it may seem,
without your piece,
the universe would be incomplete.
Let the preaching begin: You gotta have faith that something bigger, grander and supreme is walking on this journey of change with you. Call it whatever you like, I happen to like GOD, Jesus Christ, The I AM. You must find a way to communicate with your inner self and the creator of the universe. I happen to like prayer, but you can choose whatever methods that work for you... meditation, chanting, burning sage, drawing, or walking through the park. I also like to go to Church. I have found that this journey is not one to be solely taken in solitude, that meeting up with a community of believers is one of the best blessings in life. To sit in fellowship with people who share your journey is divine.
We are not meant to be solitary creatures. We are meant to be connected to one another in love as well as in struggle. We are not solely just people in our skins, but also spiritual beings that exists beyond the mere physical. To know and understand that, already sets you upon a path of change. I believe that our physical selves house our spirit, our souls and all our thoughts. That if the body dies and it will, the spirit journeys on. I think life is infinite. Never ending, always moving, always changing.
All change has to happen from a place of willingness, rooted in love. Love of self, family,community and country. It is not enough to want anything, let alone change. Want is only a small part of it. What are you willing to do, everyday to make change in your life? I think most people think that change is some sweeping larger than life ordeal...and often it is. But it's in the seemingly small steps we take, that becomes the catalyst for the life changing we want and often times NEED. Love is discipline expressed everyday no matter what the circumstances of the excuse. If you are in love with yourself then you will work all the more harder for the changes you need to make. OK sometimes. It takes getting the right rhythm of motivation. It requires your mind to be ready to be focused and it also requires a letting go to a power...a supreme being that is grander, larger than yourself.
Full circle. We need each other clinging to humanity to survive. We need kind words and actions on our behalf. We need love unconditional and without harsh judgements. I need you and you need me. Change is not solitary and neither is God.
Keep the faith and if you have none, get some. Believe that you are not alone. Know that your prayers are answered. Begin with a simple prayer: Breathe in. Breathe Out.
Everyday for the next 31 days I will be blogging my life and the real changes I am making on this 100 Days Challenge.
Anything you want to do seriously has to be committed to paper. It's not good enough to hold it in your heart and head. You have to actually commit to putting your goals and action steps on paper. It is about accountability, otherwise you're just talking shit. I know, I have been talking shit for a long long time.
It's not enough to announce to all who will listen what your intentions are. The road to hell is paved with all the best intentions... So you have to write it down in language you can relate to. It doesn't have to be fancy, or in some leather bound journal...unless that's your thing. I love fancy paper, journals and notebooks. I am always on the look out for interesting and one of kind pretty paper. Anyway, whatever your fancy, be sure to write down what you are going to do.
Write in a language that makes sense to you. This is your plan and no one has to see it or know about it unless you share. I am done sharing, except here. I find that talking to people about what you want to do can be annoying and sets you up for unwanted competition, unwanted opinions and unwanted company. Unless of course you want competition, opinions and company. There is value in accountability, so think about that and perhaps tap one friend who won't judge you or hamper your progress and won't baby you and accept your mess either. And for heaven's sake stay away form the "know-it-alls" Those folks who just know everything about everything including your health concerns, your dietary needs and your problems. Be gentle with those souls, they believe they are helping.
Check your plan everyday. Make notes about how you are feeling. Track what you eat if you want. But most of us have done that before and although it can be quite illuminating, I know you know where your dietary pitfalls are.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Shush the negative talk. Do your best. Make the effort and keep at it.
Join me in the 100 days challenge. Every day start with a cleansing breath as prayer, say a prayer if it moves you. Eat mindfully. Enjoy your own company. Love those in your circle and tell them. Write to someone. Tell a joke. Look for the best in everyone. Be kind. Start and keep a gratitude journal---each day write down at least 3 things you are grateful for that day. Enjoy a glass of water---at least 8 times a day. Take a walk around your neighborhood, or downtown. Get to bed early, try to give yourself 8 hours of good sleep. and smile. Let me know if your in. Let me know how you are doing. I will post a little something at least twice a week on the challenge. Feel free to add and share your own ways to live more fully.
Everyday for the next 31 days I will be blogging my life and the real changes I am making on this 100 Days Challenge.
I am starting my 100 Days Challenge with reconnecting with my bedroom. The place where I sleep and dream and make love. Gee, how can that be true when there are clothes drapped over the chair and magazines on the floor, books in the bed. Nothing about my room makes me want to sleep, dream or make love! So I am taking it back! I am cleaning the room, picking up the mess and putting things away. Last Summer Mr. Love painted it a beauitiful soft teal color and I bought new linens (tossed all the linens that we bought during the marriage). I had a vision for my room. A place of solace, and inspritation. A sacred space that was a no-kid zone. I have to recapture that vision. I am recapturing that vision.
I can no longer allow the tired excuses to drip from my lips like honey. If I want a different outcome I have to do things differently. It starts with picking up my room and caring about my things. It is about creating the sacred space I so desperately desire. There are no magical fairies that will come in and make my bed, do my laundry and tidy up. Last I heard gnomes are working for Travelocity. So its all on me to create and maintain my bedroom as a sacred space.
Who am I and what do I want?
Join me in the 100 days challenge. Every day start with a cleansing breath as prayer, say a prayer if it moves you. Eat mindfully. Enjoy your own company. Love those in your circle and tell them. Write to someone. Tell a joke. Look for the best in everyone. Be kind. Start and keep a gratitude journal---each day write down at least 3 things you are grateful for that day. Enjoy a glass of water---at least 8 times a day. Take a walk around your neighborhood, or downtown. Get to bed early, try to give yourself 8 hours of good sleep. and smile. Let me know if your in. Let me know how you are doing. I will post a little something at least twice a week on the challenge. Feel free to add and share your own ways to live more fully.
I am becoming more mindful of how I am living in my everyday life. I do not want to be one of those people waiting until everything is going right to enjoy life. I don't want to put off simple pleasures because I don't have enough money...or what I think is not enough money. I will not be 50 pounds lighter tomorrow. I will not be a millionaire tomorrow (unless I win the lottery). None of those things are required to live my life abundantly. I do not have to put off happiness in the midst of challenges. I do not have to forgo happiness and joy and good times because my house is messy, or there are a few dishes in the sink, or my laundry needs to be done. All those things will be done, and in a rather timely manner. But none of those chores are reason to not celebrate my life. None of those things present a sense of urgency that will destroy my well being.
We do too much putting our lives on hold for weight loss, money, love, the right opportunity. The right opportunity is when you decide to make a move in any direction. Life is not just about enduring or going along until the real love, or better job, a windfall happens. It is embracing this moment right now. It is dancing right now when the music plays. It is making love even though you have laundry to fold. It is enjoying a glass of champagne when you just lost your job. I am not suggesting that we live a fantasy. I am coming to the realization that life is SHORT. Too short for rules and regulations on how to be. Just be. The Golden Rule is the only rule that applies: Treat others as you would have others treat you. Everything else just supports that.
We put off too much of our lives in search of the better time ahead. We forgo this moment for the expectation of more joy in the next. The reality is the next is not promised to you or me. The only breath we can depend on is the one we are taking right now. Why aren't we doing more to live more fully, to love more deeply.
I am challenging myself from this day forward that in the next 100 days I am going to live more fully, vibrantly and joyfully. No matter what happens, or what challenges present themselves I am going to enjoy this life.
Join me in the 100 days challenge. Every day start with a cleansing breath as prayer, say a prayer if it moves you. Eat mindfully. Enjoy your own company. Love those in your circle and tell them. Write to someone. Tell a joke. Look for the best in everyone. Be kind. Start and keep a gratitude journal---each day write down at least 3 things you are grateful for that day. Enjoy a glass of water---at least 8 times a day. Take a walk around your neighborhood, or downtown. Get to bed early, try to give yourself 8 hours of good sleep. and smile. Let me know if your in. Let me know how you are doing. I will post a little something at least twice a week on the challenge. Feel free to add and share your own ways to live more fully.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also...Matthew 6:21
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life....Proverbs 4:23
I am meditating on theses scriptures. I am looking at my life and inventorying my treasure(s). Not just the tangible things, but the things that make my heart glad. I am thinking about the next 100 days that will bring me fully into the New Year. Where am I in my goals for myself. Where am I in creating the life of my dreams. These are days where dreams are at a premium and everyone is up against it. Is dreaming a luxury? And dare I open my heart to love more fully?
YES! Scripture calls me to do just that...dream...dream more fully. Love more fully! I am taking my cues from the turning of the season, the leaves are starting to fall and the air is crisp. The season of magic, blessing and good tidings will soon be here. I am ready and I rooted in the right now. I can be hopeful for the coming season and I can stand in this moment wrapped in all my blessings.
Love is all around. I can feel it. I am giving it. I am discovering my treasure, my heart is full and Autumn is here!
At some point you have to say enough already. You have to know your pain threshold. We are not for each other. Not because we didn't try, but because we tried too much. Forcing a loveship that should have only been a summer fling last year. Here I am, wanting you to leave, move out, break up, break off, leave. This begins the season of mean when breaking up is hard to do. I wish you well. I wish you all the best. I wish you love.
I wish you would leave and take a slow boat to China and not call me, or send me a post card, or even whisper my name. It is quite startling when you realize you've been taken advantage of. When you have given more than you ever received. And you did not give so much because you wanted to receive anything at all. But the taking was so consistent and relentless that you just gave out of habit. We all judge people that's how we keep some mess out of our lives. We judge people on various things to help us decide if their being in our lives could be worth the effort. Sometimes we are successful and sometimes we are fooled, tricked and blinded. In my case I was blinded by history and potential. I saw him as he was, and hoped he would become something more.
He hasn't been here for two nights and it's been so peaceful. I like having my home to myself without someone under foot with a critical eye and a disapproving voice. I must say I had a good run with him, but it has lasted too long. The time has come to part company and get on down the road of our respective paths.
I am not unhappy or sad by any of this. I have learned that regret is wasted energy. To be in the company of someone who you know you will not make a life with is wasted energy. I am going in peace. I remain a hopeless romantic, always believing that true love dwells within. Always knowing that what I am seeking is also seeking me. How divine.
This is goodbye Mr. Love... for real, for real! There is nothing left to say except I wish you well, be safe, find joy and take care.
I am so loving this song! Pumping beat! Strong lyrics and just what I want to say!
Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by
You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset
I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
Sara Bareilles King Of Anything lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/sara-bareilles-king-of-anything-lyrics.html
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening
And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
I love this song. It speaks to Mr. Love and his steadfast resolve in standing with me. I have not been an easy woman. I love that Man. I need to let him know that. He has said these very words to me that are in this song. Maybe that's why I love it. I can hear him so clearly and lovingly.
You got someone here wants to make it alright Someone who loves you more than life right here You got willing arms that'll hold you tight A hand to lead you on through the night right here I know your heart can get all tangled up inside But don't you keep it to yourself
[Chorus:] When your long day is over And you can barely drag your feet The weight of the world is on your shoulders I know what you need Bring it on home to me
You know I know you like the back of my hand But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am) So take your worries and just drop them at the door Baby leave it all behind
[Chorus]
Baby let me be your safe harbor Don't let the water come and carry you away
[Chorus]
You got someone here wants to make it alright Someone who loves you more than life right here
I am done waiting for Monday, love, better weather, more time, slimmer me, happier me. I am always waiting. When did I become a person to wait on anything? I think this is another definition of being stuck. And being lazy. Yes I said it, LAZY! I know what needs to be done, but I spend an exorbitant amount of time talking myself out of stuff, and I don't mean silly things, I mean things that could make my life better, happier, more joyous! I decide to get up to work out at sunrise, when the day breaks I start back peddling, "Oh I can get my work out in later" or "gosh, I got to bed so late I am tired". Who am I waiting for? Seriously. On paper it looks like a crock of shit. In my head it seems reasonable and believable. I am my own problem. Seriously. I say I want to do XYZ and then I just do nothing to accomplish XYZ. Again, what am I waiting for? Who am I waiting for?
The thing to do, is TO DO... Right NOW! Too much intellectualizing. Too much trying to organize it in my head. Too much talking about what I am going to do and not enough of me doing anything! If I want to change this body, then I have to get off my ass and move it. If I want a lucrative business than I gotta light the fire myself and get to burning energy! If I want to be in love than I gotta be in love. It's all on me to bust a move in any direction. In any direction forward is a good move. And if it isn't I can move some more...in an entirely new direction (END).
The magic dwells within. The saviour dwells within. Love dwells within.
This is my last day of waiting for someone other than myself to do my work.
Everyone who knows me well, knows that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Earth Wind & Fire. They have a song for all of life's moments....love, joy, sadness, you name it, no one can motivate you back to yourself like Earth Wind & Fire....except maybe Stevie Wonder!
This is one of my favorites: On Your Face. The lyrics are so strong and so timely it doesn't even matter when this first came out. It's just what's needed today!
On Your Face
--Earth, Wind and Fire
Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh
M: Ain’t it funny that the way you feel shows on your face
And no matter how you try to hide, it states your case
Now a frown will bring your spirits down to the ground
And never let you see the good things all around
Every time we seem to let our feelings flow
Our luck run out, and the wind won’t blow
P: But, that can’t make me sad
Just can’t make me, whoa, oh
Cause I’ve been there before
Don’t wanna go no more
The world can’t take me
Won’t let it drive me mad
Sadness bears no remedy for the problems in your life
While you run your race, keep a smilin’ face
Help you set your pace
Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh
M: Wish upon a sunny day, it’ll turn to rain
Use the sunshine in your heart to ease the pain
We wonder how your attitude is going down
Is it wakin’ and shakin’ and safe and sound
Every time we seem to let our feelings flow
Our luck runs out and the wind won’t blow
P: But, that can’t make me sad
That can’t make me, whoa, oh
Cause I’ve been there before
Don’t wanna go no more
The world can’t take me
Won’t let it drive me mad
Sadness bears no remedy for the problems in your life
While you run your race, keep a smilin’ face
Life is on your case
M: Yes it is, yeah
P: This world can’t shake me, this world can’t shake me
Bad times can’t make me sad, whoa, oh
Cause I’ve been there before
Don’t wanna go no more
The world can’t take me
Won’t let it drive me mad
Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh, Ooo, Oh
P: You can’t shake me, the way I feel today
Come tomorrow I’ll feel the same ol’ way
M: Ain’t it funny that the way you feel shows on your face?
P: Wake me! My heart is feelin’ glad
I’ll take you with me when you’re feelin’ bad
M: Use the sunshine in your heart
P: You can’t shake me what I feel today
Come tomorrow I’ll feel the same ol’ way
M: I start to wonder what’s going down
Feelin’ it, Feelin’ it
P: My heart is feelin’ glad
I’ll take you with me when you’re feelin’ bad
M: I start to wonder what’s going down
In your life, is it safe and sound?
I start to wonder if your life’s all right
Are you dealing with it everyday or does it cause you strife?
I do not feel alone in the world. I haven't felt alone in a long long time. My loveship is ending. Try as I might, there is no resuscitating something that is dead. Hanging on to the bitter end is bitter. We try to salvage love because we can recall when it was good; or when we were willing to let things fall by the wayside, because it (those little annoyances, quirks and personality flaws) were seemingly small and unimportant to the overall health of the loveship. Now those things are enormous and makes us crazy to no end.
I don't mind the solo navigation. I even like it a lot! The only feelings to consider in my decisions, are my own. Oh, I am not anti relationships, quite the contrary, I am more open to loveships more than ever. There is a great deal of value in connecting with someone, being committed to someone else and caring about their well-being. I want that fully in my life again. Its not enough to love someone. There has to be shared language, shared goals, shared forgiveness and shared joy. Nothing can thrive and grow under oppression, sadness and insecurity.
So I am suiting up again, dusting off my wings, checking my controls, tightening my seat belt, putting on my captain's cap and I am off. There's a big world out there and whatever I am seeking, is seeking me.
I am asking the question: what does it take to be in love? To be committed to someone? I find myself grasping to define this for myself. I want to be in love and I want to be committed, but...and there is a but, at what cost? There is a giving up of something...bad habits, routines, excuses. There is much to be gained when love is right, at its best.
Maybe the question ought to be what am I willing to do? What am I willing to become for love? I am finding that when you bring your whole self to someone you have to be willing to be open to their whole self coming to you and sometimes, a lot of times, they have a different world view of this very loveship that you both are in. Oh boy. It's hard if you are willing to delve further into growing and blending. What makes it hard is the changing that happens from within. It is hard to be naked in the company of someone else. If you see all your flaws they see them too. And sometimes the flaws seem so big and nasty that you want to turn away so therefore you say to yourself, that other person who says they love you would find the flaws equally repulsive. This is how we talk ourselves out of love. This is how we build walls around ourselves. We listen to what we think is some bizarre truth when really its our fears.
So I am partially naked. I am in love, but not in the motion of loving. I am not fully invested in the work. Not that I can't do the work. I am afraid. It is amazing how fear of pain will stop you. I am talking mental, emotional pain. The pain that comes when you open yourself up to someone and they take residence in your heart and then decide they no longer want to dwell there. I know this pain. I can't go back. But at the same time you have to press on and open your heart otherwise your just dead and unfulfilled and lonely. To me that's worse than any pain experienced. So I am standing here partially naked. Should I strip bare? Or get dressed? Always asking the questions: "Who am I and what do I want?
She thinks she knows all there is to know about the world. She thinks she has a clue about how to be a woman. My daughter broke some rules her father and I put in place. Serious rules. Rules about no dating at 13. She weaved an elaborate lie to see "him" a 14 year old boy smitten with my daughter. We tracked their conversation on Facebook. Nothing outrageous or seedy. Just little references to trying to meet up behind parental vision. Her father monitored her Facebook page and still she managed to slip our watchful eyes.
He showed up to my house and walked himself into my backyard unannounced and began playing basketball. I respectfully told the young man in question: "She is only 13 and is not allowed to date. I don't know anything about you, or your people. I don't know where you live, or anything and I am sure you are a lovely young man, but the fact remains, she broke the rules. You are not to contact her again"
He was very polite and nodded yes and left. The young man returned with his oldest Sister in tow. Wanting to introduce me to his people. I was impressed that he heard me and wanted to act on my concerns. I gave his Sister the same speech I gave him, adding for her benefit the fact that my daughter lied to me about knowing this young man.
Her father and I were furious with her. He came right over after work to deal with her. Three hours later, we emerged still angry but united in doling out a harsh and strict punishment. There is more to this story...lots! But most importantly this post is about what I must do and how I must move forward.
I have to build her back up now. I have to help her save herself. This is my teacheable moment where I stand fully in the Mom space and guide this child on rough waters. She needs me. She needs me to parent her. Not to be her friend, and cuddle her with "baby it will be alright". I must give her tools to conduct herself. This is the beginning of her learning to walk in truth. This is one of many defining moments in her life. What's key here, is whatever foundation we lay for her now will be what she draws from later in her life.
I am in prayer as I move forward drawing on all that I know to do to grow her. I am not afraid for her. I will not fail her. I know what is needed and I am up for the task. There is so much out there for young girls to fall prey to. I must continue to wedge myself between the world and this home. I have support. She is loved. I am loved. In the next few days I will lay out my plan, and perhaps this plan will be of some help to someone else with a teenage child who is being seduced too soon by the world.
I am not a quitter. Oh, I do know how to walk the hell away from people, places and things that do not uplift my spirit or bring joy to my life. However, I am not a quitter. If I know I didn't give something my all, then I regroup, recharge and come at it again. Sometimes it takes a gazillion tries to get to a real sense of accomplishment. I am cool with that. My strength lies in my tenacity. I am not afraid of much in this world.
My fears are a different story. They, (my fears) as I said many times on this blog are seductive. They woo me like a desperate lover. It takes a great deal of courage to shush the voices of negative thinking and talk out of one's environment. I am courageous. I am fearless on so many levels. I like my inner grace. I am resolute in my vision for my life. I am not afraid to try, try, try, try, try again.
I am standing in the place of Try Again saving my house, saving my loveship, saving money, saving my peace of mind. The difference in this moment is the sense of all shall be well. I do not feel anxious or discouraged. I feel empowered and steadfast. I love this feeling. I feel like I am climbing Mount Everest again with success as my goal. It doesn't matter that I've been here before at base camp. I learned a few things from the last time I attempted this climb. You see that's the gift! Not that I am back at base camp, but that I am back trying again with more tools and more support and more confidence than ever before.
I am not a quitter. I will always try, try, try, try. try again.
With all the mess going on in the world, around my city and in my life. I love my life. I love the choices I am making to move forward. I cannot be told what to do except by God. I am not listening to noise. I have long since given up seeking other's approval. Turning 40 (I am 47) is the great beginning of "Get The Fuck Out Of Here" era. I just can't bear witness to other's people projections about how they think I ought to be.
I was listening to Joel Osteen talking about run your own race. Stay in your lane and do you. It was so on point. You are wasting time competing with other people...that takes you off your path and into someone else's race. Run your own race. Then I heard T.D.Jakes talking about letting negative people go. You can't succeed when you are surrounded by folks whispering you can't do this that or the other thing. They are perhaps well meaning. But you have to know when folks are speaking from their place of fear.
I am standing in a good place today. I am feeling strong and determined. I am feeling like there are so many grand possibilities to thrive and prosper. it's all about the choices I am making. Nothing happens by chance. Whatever you do sets off a chain of events to bring you to a particular place, sometimes its where you want to be and sometimes its a place you don't want to be. There is always a gift waiting for you. A lesson to be learned. Each challenge, each happy moment, each adversity, each opportunity to make love brings you closer to who you are supposed to be.
Her Side, one of my favorite blog sisters had this post up at her blog, Battle Scars and Exit Wounds. I loved this so much I begged her to let me repost it here. This is perhaps one of the best pieces of advice I've heard in a long time. No she is not suggesting to stay with a fool, or keep yourself trapped in mess, or harm's way. I take form this just what she said "If the advice you get doesn't explain how love can win, then the puppet strings of bitterness and fear are showing all over the messenger"
Her Side:
Several weeks ago, my parents received bad news. "Although you are legally married, you've been living apart for many many years. He must be dropped from your retirement insurance."
In a funny twist, my parents are together almost every day. She cooks for him. He helps her with the house. They introduce themselves as husband and wife. But they can't stand living together. Mom is too controlling and dramatic, which doesn't mix well with the healthy doses of testosterone pulsing through dad's veins. Even in their 60's and 70's, some of their encounters mirror the hilarity of tweens trying to navigate puppy love.
Anyway...
Since mom couldn't produce a single utility bill or bank account statement in dad's name at her address, he is left to his own sparse insurance. They estimate his medical bills could increase by $1000 out of pocket per month. Nobody on retirement funds can afford that nonsense.
As my mother shared this crisis with me (and lamented about my father's annual visit to his girlfriend's hometown - a total other story), she said the bitter words I hear from far too many older women. "STAY. SINGLE." She meant it. "Share your life and your resources with no-one. You'll have to help them one day."
I have thrown my hands to the sky and raised my face to the wind many times with the same objection. "What part of that advice offers me the option and information I need to experience the beauty of a loving relationship?" Doesn't choosing a partner come with the absolute promise that one day I'll have to hold them up during a time of need? Doesn't the anticipation of their love and support during my darkest hours balance the perceived hardship? If that isn't love, then WHAT. IS????
Wounded people wound others. That concept is one block in the foundation of this blog. The wounded spread their bitterness like a disease... cleverly concealed under the shroud of "loving relationship advice."
Keep this in your back pocket: If the advice you get doesn't explain how love can win, then the puppet strings of bitterness and fear are showing all over the messenger. Smile. Keep it moving. Brush the bitterness off your clothes and find a trail that leads to love. It is the only truly positive power this planet has ever known.
Everyone knows the short version of this powerful prayer. But My minister shared with me the entire version of the prayer yesterday. It goes deeper than originally imagined, at least for me. I was supposed to get this prayer yeasterday. It lingers in my heart and mind.
God grant me the: Serenity to accept the things we cannot change, Courage to change the things we can, and the Wisdom to know the difference, Patience for the things that take time, Appreciation for all that we have, Tolerance for those with different struggles Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other, and the Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless. ~Reinhold Neibuhr
I have spent a lot of time over the last year thinking about my life in the biggest possible way. I have tried to make room for love (a lover), it was a great effort but ultimately may have come to its end. That in and of itself is fine. I needed that love affair to push me back to myLove List....more on that part later.
Today I am focusing on HEALTH! I finished reading Geneen Roth's WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. I picked up her book well before I saw her on Oprah...which just added to my sense of being on the right path. I am joining her and thousands of others in giving up this dieting shit.
I gathered all the books I have bought over the years on dieting and eating. I stacked them on my dining room table and I sat and stared at them. I needed to see how much time and money I have invested on deprivation, chaos, desperation and shame. Let me tell you I could have gone around the world several times over on the money I spent on those books. Not time for regret or shame. I am done with that. I am not dieting ever again. I have had it. I will however, workout and move this body with love and care.
So here's the Eating Plan:
THE EATING GUIDELINES
Eat
when you are hungry.
Eat
sitting down in a calm environment.
Eat
without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
Eat
what your body wants.
Eat
until you are satisfied.
Eat
(with the intention of being) in full view of others.
Eat
with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.
Geneen Roth
Women Food and God
All this week I am laying out my life plan. I am moving in an Entirely New Direction (E.N.D). Direction that I chart and implement on my own terms. I will not and cannot be moved or swayed with illusory promises of something better. I am the something better.
I am setting the tone for the END: ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION. I am done wasting time, being afraid and just plain stuck. I am committing this song to memory and it will be my mantra moving forward! I believe that the music we enjoy has a defining effect on how we live and love. Our soundtrack for our lives whether we like it or not, speaks to what's on our minds and sets the tone for the direction we are going. Yes music is that powerful!
GET UP!
Layin' Low
Rest n' pause
Sleeping long
Slow motion
Gonna do
Shoulda, coulda, woulda done
Excuses
What are you afraid of?
Don't you know what you're made of?
One of God's greatest creations
Take this invitation now
Get Up
'Cause you can't stop
Get Up
Got a lot to do
24 hours
almost gone
Get Up
Don't sit there
Get Up
If you wanna get there
Clocks don't stop and
Time won't wait
He said
She said
They said
What do you say?
It's your dreams
your choice
your time
your life
So don't you
don't you
miss it
What are you afraid of?
Don't you know what you're made of?
One of God's greatest creations
Take this invitation now
Get Up
'Cause you can't stop
Get Up
Got a lot to do
24 hours
almost gone
Get Up
Don't sit there
Get Up
If you wanna get there
Clocks don't stop and
Time won't wait
Welcome to the rest of your life
from now on, just try
to live more, want more, work a little harder
dance more, laugh more, be a little smarter
hug a little longer, love a little stronger
you've been down but now it's time to
Get Up
'Cause you can't stop
Get Up
Got a lot to do
24 hours
almost gone
Get Up
Don't sit there
Get Up
If you wanna get there
Clocks don't stop and
Time won't wait (2x)
I am in a funk. And so it has begun. A real sense of uneasiness and a longing for something else.. What I know for sure is that whatever has begun in my spirit...sadness, anger, fear, unhappiness is robbing me of my joy. I gotta face it head on. Running away from shit when it's hard is not the answer. It only keeps me in the struggle. It only keeps the difficulty swirling about. It keeps me focused on the difficulty, but not in a solution focused way.
Acknowledging my weary blues and allowing them to pass on through is the answer. Not wallowing in the mire of uneasiness and unhappiness. I mean why? I am happier when I am happy. There are days when the smallest of things brings me great pleasure. Days when the sound of my children's voices are the loveliest thing I 've heard all day. Then there are days when the lows are treacherous. They surround me and I am free-falling backwards, grasping to hold on to regain my balance but never actually getting ahold of anything.
I am everywhere in my thoughts. I am in love with no one and the world knows it. I am a malcontent in this moment. Yesterday was the beginning of low spirits and today it is so and tomorrow, I think I will let it go. I am done running. I know I am still moving toward the END...Entirely New Direction.
This is my letting all this shit end. This is how I am moving forward. Allowing the pain to come on. COME ON! And I am going to feel all of it and then Baby I am letting it END! Yes! I am ending my long-standing affair with pain, fear and unhappiness.
I'll be back on Monday with a new sense of self and a plan of marching strong to my dreams!
I am aggravated. I am annoyed. Anxious. Overwhelmed and tired. None of these feelings are constant. They are however, lingering. I have some root issues that I can't seem to face. Like an onion, the more I peel, the more I cry, the more there is to peel. I am tired of peeling. I am tired of talking, discerning. I am almost tired of prayer.
I know enough to know that what ails me does not rest in the physical world. It is my uneasy mind. It is the past and present running up against each other. Everyone thinks they have an answer. Perhaps they do. I just need the din of the world to shut the fuck up and let me catch my breath. Maybe I am unfair in wishing the world to be quiet on my behalf. Perhaps it is I who needs to shut the fuck up.
Maybe because it's Phyllis Hyman's birthday and I feel the pull of depression whispering seductively let me in. Let me be with you. SIGH! All I feel is alone. I feel like I am screaming and no one hears me.
I know enough to know that I can spin myself out of this nothingness. The question is when? There is something about sulking and retreating into one's despair that traps you, blinds you and binds you.
I am not without grace. I am in a storm that seems to want to swallow me and grace is reaching for me...always.
The last week has been a very interesting week. I had so many emotions (some that I was fully expecting). He is remarried. The children looked beautiful in their formal wedding attire. Gosh how they grow up right before your eyes.
My Sister-friend JB came over Friday evening, the day before the Ex's nuptials. She came riding in on a white horse with MOJITOS! YES! MOJITOS! Just what I needed. I posted that happy event over at www.eatdrinkdivorce.com
I had planned a day that was a totally UN-day(unstressful, un-wedding, un-kids, un-mess) I didn't want to tie his nuptials to anything that I did. I did not want to mark the day with anything that would keep "Us" connected. I wanted it to be ordinary. I had a plan. Then Mr. Love hijacked them. I was not considering him, he said. I was making plans without thinking of him. SIGH. So we made an inclusive plan. A lovely brunch, a picnic and time together. OK LISTEN FOR THE TRAIN WRECK: We never got to the planned day. We got into an argument which is just one of many in a series of fights that seem to be all my doing...so he says. I lack so much...discipline...consideration...care...concern of another person I say I want in my life. Yes there is a great deal of truth in all that. More truth than I first realized.
Here's the NEW REVELATION: Perhaps I am choosing fear over love. And in choosing fear I am losing out on a grand love. There is love between us. True, deep and abiding. He is patient and I've been scared. We need each other. He recognizes it and I run from it.
This song is HOTTTT! It has a serious Minnie Ripperton vibe to it. It is sexy and soooo GROWN WOMAN! and it does speak to how I am feeling. I love music and its effect/affect on my spirit. These songs are the background for my life.
I don't want to give you up
I don't want to hold you up
I don't want ambiguous
I just know that I've had enough
I want you to travel with me
Let loose and let your mind go free...Show you things that you've never seen
You just got to go with me
Ohhh
(Chorus)
Your love is so good that I want to show you
Don't make me responsible, for something that you can't find
Ohhh
Your loving is so good, so good, the closer
I want it, I want it
Into me
I want it, I want it,
Leave it here
I want to get close to you baby
Experience...
I want it, I want it
Generous...
Lay down what's impeding you
Cause I want to get close to you
(Verse 2)
I don't want to give you up
I'm tired of the pull and push
I"m tired of the making love
Don't you feel like you've had enough
I want you to journey with me, explore all the innocence
I don't mind us to build tension but we've got to move in the same direction
Music says everything that I can't. Music expresses and explores my deepest feelings. When I can't quite say what I want, a song or songs can pinpoint my feelings with clarity and depth. This song in particular speaks to where I am. I am feeling the distance (that we have...I have created) Fear is powerful. Yes the question looms: Who are YOU? and what do YOU want?
PS. Regina King is AMAZING & STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL!
Lights out,
sucker punch, siked out.
Caught a love wave,
rode it then i wiped out.
Two ships just passing in the night now,
Offshore, looking for a light house.
Reveal you said that it was painless,
down and out drowning in the sea of my anguish
Funny, you always said hope floats.
Comprehended it, but i cant cope
So I
Gotta find my way back, way back to you baby.
Tryna find my way back , way back to you baby.
Gotta find my way back, way back to you, to us, to love.
Man down, my heart's in your hands now.
Hate to love, draw an X in the sand now.
No clue, no map, damn.
so im digging until i end up in japan now.
Reveal you said that it was painless,
Down and out drowning in the sea of my anguish
Funny, you always said hope floats.
Comprehended it, but i cant cope
So I
Gotta find my way back, way back to you baby.
Tryna find my way back , way back to you baby.
Gotta find my way back, way back, to you, to us, to love.
We got lost lines got crossed
and the light turned to static baby.
And the not your ship got caught up in the current
and they carried both of us away
We were so much better
When we were together
and I just cant let you slip away.
Gotta find my way back, way back to you baby.
Tryna find my way back , way back to you baby.
Gotta find my way back, way back, to you, to us, to love.
This woman speaks to me! I love the richness of her voice. I love love love this song. It is soooo old school Saturday night! Anyway, I feeling this song in a big big way.
I unpacked my chest for you
Do everything that you want me to
Can't believe I gave you all my love
What in the world was I thinkin' of?
I just let it all slip away
With every minute, hour of the day
And if it really meant to be, just share with me
Why do I still feel incomplete?
Tell me, yeah
I need to know, baby
I got to know
Tell me, yeah
Tell me that you love me
If I give you what you need
Would you do the same thing for me?
'Cause I don't want to be alone
I want you here all night long
'Cause when you leave me, baby
I'm thinkin' about you always
I'm ashamed to say
How much I want you to stay
Baby, tell me, yeah
I need to know
Say it now
I got to know
Tell me that you love me
Now you see
I'm not tryin' to make a big fuss over this
But I'm just sayin', you need to let me know how you feel sometimes
Say it, it's not wrong, expressing yourself?
That's what wo- women like that, you know what I'm sayin'?
You know, you got to tap into your romantic side
Shoot, return the love, baby, return the love
I need to know, I want to know
I need to know, I want to know
I need to know, I want to know
I need to know, yeah baby
I got to know, oh, tell me
Tell me that you love me, love me, love me, love me
That you love me, love me, love me, love me
I unpacked my chest for you
Do everything that you want me to
Can't believe I gave you all my love
When your partner takes you to the floor, there is an expectation that you will follow. There is no foreplay of verbal back and forth. You follow. You trust. You know your place.
You cannot and must not ask questions. The movement of the body is the only way to communicate. You must know your body. You must be comfortable in your own skin. It is not about size, height, weight. It is about TANGO. You move when he moves. You surrender when he guides you.
There is no talking in TANGO. You cannot just stop and ask what is the next step.
Tango is about communicating with your body. If you are not comfortable in your own skin, tango will either get you comfortable or make you acutely aware that Tango is not for you.
I am comfortable and uncomfortable in my body. I am drawn to the passion and sensualness of Tango. I am a sensual and sexual woman. I am also very aware of the shame I carry in carrying excess weight. That is my paradox. Tango ignores weight, size, height. I do not.
You must answer your life's questions out loud before you Tango. You will get answers as you move. You have to listen and you have to be willing to hear your body.
I HAVE A NEW PASSION! I have been working on this concept for quite sometime and thought right now is the time to birth it! It has it's own website Eat. Drink. Divorcetwitter profile: Eat Drink Divorce Facebook: Eat Drink Divorce.
It is my hope that you visit my new site periodically and let me know what you think. I have big plans for it and I am excited beyond belief! Feel free to follow that blog, catch me on twitter and facebook. Thank you for the love and support you have shown me here. Oh I will still be here...my life is in CONSTANT transition!
Divorce is perhaps one of the most stressful, chaotic, painful events in someone's life. It is easy to stop enjoying life's pleasures in the face of uncertainty. I am saying to you, nourish the body to nourish the soul.
It was tough. Rocky. Explosive. We straddled the weekend with the questions looming. It seemed like a losing fucking battle. I retreated, he retreated. We declared love, we declared going our separate ways.
There was anger, resentment, disrespect and mean-ness--I am owning this as my contributions to the mess. He was stoic, tired, pleading, tough, un-yielding. The towel was thrown down, we climbed out of the ring. We slept in different beds. We barely spoke to one another. We started to let go, walk away.
Somehow all that we have meant to each just couldn't be thrown away. Not without trying harder. We appealed to our shared heritage and legacy. We evoked the spirits of our dearly departed mothers. Why can't we get past this hurdle of miscommunication. He said: "do you really believe I would lead you into harm's way" I said: " I love you and trust you with the lives of my children" He said: "then you have to trust me with your heart as I am prepared to trust you with my heart and soul" We thrashed about some more. It seemed doomed. I was prepared for doom. I was so ready for the end that I think I was willing it. and that's when the light bulb moment happened!
I caught myself preparing for the worse, rather than preparing for the best. I was resigned to walk away instead of walking forward into his arms. This was me, quitting...like so many time before. For no good reason other than FEAR.
I have had wealth, awards, accolades upon accolades. I've made big money. I've dined in the fanciest of fancy restaurants. I drank champagne with some of the finest folks in the world. I've laughed and danced all over the world. I have fallen from on high, burned bridges, shamed folks, disappointed folks. I have nothing except the belief that I am worthy of lasting love. He see me. He seeS past the weight, the awards, the degrees, the shame, the past, the future. He is my right now. He speaks to me in words that only God has heard me utter. I love him because he is fine. He is honorable. He is frail and strong. He is wise and tortured. The world does not hold for him the same brightness as it does for me. He is not stimulated by the pretty things and pretty people. He grounds me. He is Wendy to my Peter Pan. For me, content of character weighs more than any degree than can be hung on the wall. Fidelity and faithfulness means more to me than running with my home girls (still looking for good men). Money and the ways in which we make it, is a tool, not a defining quality.
I am answering the often asked question: Who are you? What do you want? The answer is in living with and loving this man as well as I love my own life.
THANK YOU BIG MARK 243, MOANERPLICITY, RICH FITZGERALD, KAY C THE QUIET STORM. Your wise council/comments were some of the most moving I've ever gotten on this blog. I can't begin to tell you what reading your comments over and over did for my heart & soul.
Commit:To give in trust or charge; consign. To pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.)
We are having the Commitment Talk tomorrow. We are going to sit and talk openly and honestly about a future together or go our separate ways. We are going to bare ourselves and pledge love one way or the other. We are going to seriously explore moving toward marriage. It will be a very serious discussion about who we are and what we want, require, need and want from each other.
It is time to exhale. It is time to decide to go or stay. We already know love exists. We already know that when we kiss and lay together the world stops and races to meet our passion. What we are committing to is the going the distance. To staying rooted even when the wolves come howling. Forsaking all others for the sake of each other and this family we are strengthening.
He asks: "Do you Trust me?" "Respect Me?" and "Why do you want me for your Man?" He states: "I don't have the same education as you". "I don't make anywhere near the kind of money you do." "I live simply" "Are you serious"
I am standing at a pivotal point in my life. Love has come round. Love that I have asked for, hoped for, tried to get rid of. Whatever fears I have used as an excuse, obstacle and wedge to keep me from being in love are put away. I am stepping into this love. I am surrending my mess.
Tango starts and begins as you feel the passion. It calls you. Once you start there is no end. You have to be willing to give up your notion of control and power. There is no way to Tango if you think you have control. You must yield to your partner. You must go where they lead. You must surrender. I am a modern thinking woman. The idea of surrendering is at best difficult...almost near impossible.
Yet I have danced the Tango. It does not care about my philosophical views, hang-ups, politics, feminist stance. You have to surrender and allow your partner to lead, guide and direct. Why? Why dance this dance that requires so much of giving up your control as a woman? Because the passion is the fuel of life. Because I am learning who I am. I am learning that partnership is vital and necessary. I was not meant to live alone. Tango is my metaphor for my life right now. Learn to live in partnership! Learn TO LIVE IN PARTNERSHIP BUT NOT IN STRUGGLE. Tango is about moving as one, with grace and rhythm and passion. This is what I want in my life. So I am going back to Tango. To learn. To accept passion. To love.
Here is my teacher dancing the Argentine Tango. See what I mean...
I am responsible for my happiness and unhappiness. I can mope around with fear, sadness and self loathing, or I can count my blessings, chase the day and smile. I no longer want to go on and on about how I was wronged, abandoned and divorced by my then husband. The story is OVER! I am writing a new story of connecting and co-parenting with him. He is getting married next month. He is excited and happy. I am truly excited and happy for him. I have released that story of the wronged wife. I am crafting a new chapter filled with love, laughter and real joy!
I am a convicted felon. I committed a white-collar crime in 2003. I was sentenced in 2007. I served time for it in a federal prison camp, spent 5 months home confinement with an ankle bracelet and 3 years of supervised release which will be completed in a few short months. I am done telling this story as if it happened yesterday. I am done holding the shame of this past mistake. I am moving on. I am writing a new chapter in this book of my life. I have served my time. I have paid a very high price and nearly lost everything of value to me. I am done telling this story as if that's all there is to who I am.
I am tired of thinking about this weight. I am tired of measuring my happiness based on the number staring back at me from the scale. Fuck that scale. I am done with putting off happiness until I get to a size whatever. I am done saying "when I loss the weight I will". I will do what I want to do right now in this weight with this body. I am closing this chapter of body shame and writing a new one on body love as is!
I am moving in an ENTIRELY NEW DIRECTION. I have spent enough time wallowing in my pain, pity and shame long enough. I have put my time in. I am ready to do things differently. To charge forward with a renewed sense of possibilities. I am cutting my ties to wallowing in those stories. I will get married again. The ex can't have that kind of power over me. I refuse to be tied to a story about how that marriage ended and to allow it to be the blueprint for the rest of my life. NO. I am going to build a brand and business that suites me, being a felon will not stop me from making a living. NO. This weight is not all that makes me, ME. NO.
I am Amazing. Wonderful. Talented. Brilliant. Beautiful. Smart. Charming. Lovable. Lovely. Funny. Caring. Considerate. Happy. Peaceful. Silly. Sexy. Intelligent. Witty. Sassy. Gracious. Kind. Generous. This is my new story as I move in an entirely new direction, one that I want to write.
It's been a long time since I sat and watched the fabulousOprah. I have her shows tivoed and I go through and delete the ones I am not interested in and save the ones I may get round to watching. Well yesterday twitter was all a buzz about this particular show on No More Dieting. Oprah's guest was author Geneen Rothwho wrote this book called WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. ( I raced to Barnes & Noble this morning) anyway the show moved me to an epiphany about my struggles with weight and food. It got me to begin thinking about this from a different place. So I am going to give up dieting and read this book a couple of times and let its words wash over me. I am exhausted with this dieting mess. I am exhausted striving for some ideal size. This is not a new thought process for me. I have moments of great clarity and then I will get sucked into this ridiculous diet ride because someone will say something to trigger my feelings about it, and off I go chasing some new diet plan. UUghhh.
I want to fall in love...real love. The first steps is falling in love with me. So I am stopping all the madness. I am ending the hatred. Oh yes, I know, I blogged this before and time and time again I buy that ticket and ride that diet ride over and over. Well for the time being I am getting off and moving in an entirely new direction.
I know that I am on the right path. I can feel it. Since I've been blogging I can see my evolution. I have grown and overcome a great deal and that means something in the universe. There are more blessings to be had. More joy to experience and more love to be made. I am opening myself up to moving in an entirely new direction.
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