Tuesday, July 6, 2010

PHYLLIS, ME AND GRACE

I am aggravated. I am annoyed.  Anxious. Overwhelmed and tired. None of these feelings are constant. They are however, lingering. I have some root issues that I can't seem to face. Like an onion, the more I peel, the more I cry, the more there is to peel.  I am tired of peeling. I am tired of talking, discerning.  I am almost tired of prayer.

I know enough to know that what ails me does not rest in the physical world.  It is my uneasy mind.  It is the past and present running up against each other. Everyone thinks they have an answer. Perhaps they do.  I just need the din of the world to shut the fuck up and let me catch my breath.  Maybe I am unfair in wishing the world to be quiet on my behalf. Perhaps it is I who needs to shut the fuck up.

Maybe because it's Phyllis Hyman's birthday and I feel the pull of depression whispering seductively let me inLet me be with you.  SIGH! All I feel is alone. I feel like I am screaming and no one hears me. 

I know enough to know that I can spin myself out of this nothingness. The question is when?  There is something about sulking and retreating into one's despair that traps you, blinds you and binds you.

I am not without grace.  I am in a storm that seems to want to swallow me and grace is reaching for me...always.

7 comments:

LadyLee said...

"I am not without grace. I am in a storm that seems to want to swallow me and grace is reaching for me...always."

Those are such redemptive words. Use them. Embrace them.

Keep your head up, Ma. Thinking of you always. You'll get through.

Big Mark 243 said...

Phyllis Hyman... wow, what a beautiful woman. Wonderful singer.

Is it you that needs to be quiet? Could be. Often it isn't what happens that matters the most as it is how we deal with what happened does.

You definitely have in your possession the grace and class to find your way through this 'whatever'.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

OH I know this feeling well. You are a strong woman and I am sure you will make it through wiser and better for it. Peel back those layers one by one and see what it reveals. Although painful, this is what real growth is about.

(((HUGS)))

Moanerplicity said...

My Sista, my Sista. There's a LOT I could say... but I'll spare you. I could be wrong, but it seems as if your crisis is more spiritually based. (ponder)

I only have these words:

"Don't tell God how BIG the storm is. Tell the storm how BIG GOD IS!"


One.

Lin

向霖向霖 said...

走過路過~不能錯過~哈哈............................................................

Lovebabz said...

Lady Lee,
Dearest One, I will indeed use those words.

Big Mark 243,
I do so appreciate your clarity and support.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm
My dear Sister, indeed the peeling continues :)

Moanerplicity (Lin)
You are the best! YES!
"Don't tell God how BIG the storm is. Tell the storm how BIG GOD IS!"

Remnants of U said...

Wow, I could have written this post today. Although I can never put my feelings so eloquently in writing. Seeing the words however helps. Thank you!