The last week has been a very interesting week. I had so many emotions (some that I was fully expecting). He is remarried. The children looked beautiful in their formal wedding attire. Gosh how they grow up right before your eyes.
My Sister-friend JB came over Friday evening, the day before the Ex's nuptials. She came riding in on a white horse with MOJITOS! YES! MOJITOS! Just what I needed. I posted that happy event over at www.eatdrinkdivorce.com
I had planned a day that was a totally UN-day(unstressful, un-wedding, un-kids, un-mess) I didn't want to tie his nuptials to anything that I did. I did not want to mark the day with anything that would keep "Us" connected. I wanted it to be ordinary. I had a plan. Then Mr. Love hijacked them. I was not considering him, he said. I was making plans without thinking of him. SIGH. So we made an inclusive plan. A lovely brunch, a picnic and time together. OK LISTEN FOR THE TRAIN WRECK: We never got to the planned day. We got into an argument which is just one of many in a series of fights that seem to be all my doing...so he says. I lack so much...discipline...consideration...care...concern of another person I say I want in my life. Yes there is a great deal of truth in all that. More truth than I first realized.
Here's the NEW REVELATION: Perhaps I am choosing fear over love. And in choosing fear I am losing out on a grand love. There is love between us. True, deep and abiding. He is patient and I've been scared. We need each other. He recognizes it and I run from it.
Posts
5 comments:
I'd like to through myself into this but I am practicing restraint here. Or trying to.
Because I don't know the particulars and can only go by what is written and how those words impact upon me and how they relate to my experience, I recognize a lot of what you said in your last paragraph. And if you can acknowledge the tip, ( Yes there is a great deal of truth in all that. More truth than I first realized) then you are prepared to deal with what lies beneath the surface.
I have heard women say this time and again, but they set themselves up for fail by not actually addressing the problem. Even in admitting the fear isn't enough. You simply MUST do something about it.
For some of us, FEAR feels more comfortable than LOVE. It's something you can count on being there, because it's all around us, seeking to embrace us and constrict our actions
Fear is the opposite of Love. It can last longer, and it rarely fails to disappoint us, because we expect it. Fear seeks full control and ownership of us.
Love, REAL LOVE does not. Real Love is the enemy of fear. It doesn't paralyze us, or make us paranoid. It simply opens its arms and embraces us without gripping TOO tightly and without hurting so much.
It seems less difficult to accept being fearful than it is to our minds, our hearts, and our naked selves up to the risks of Love.
But when someone is ready, willing & has proven able to take that risk with us, and do to so, FEARLESSLY, it speaks to the purity of the SPIRIT they SEE in YOU.
The rest, my Sista, is up to YOU! So, be BRAVE!
btw: your keeids looked adorable.
SJ!
One.
Lin
Dearest Madame Love,
Yes, have your UN day. I understand the need and KUDOS to the bff for bringing the Mojitos.
I also understand it is hard to not give in to fear. To let love in without doubt. Baby steps.
My performance group's artistic director tells us all the time "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
One bite at a time my dear.
(((HUGS)))
Hey there,
I've been appreciating your blog since early 2008.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here. Maybe I'm missing something.
I'm totally with the others on the fear issue. And yes, I'm sure there are things about you that can be improved (as with all of us).
But... it just seems to me that he is so relentlessly critical of you, and so controlling! Why should he be put out that you're not 'considering him' on your ex's wedding day? I don't get it.
You're the one who needed to be considered in that situation... right? Anyone would.
Apologies if I'm out of line. Just trying to understand...
I really didn't want to agree with Pantsy here. I swear I didn't... but... I must admit to wondering the same through this love story.
I won't deny for one moment that this is a true love story. I believe you and your Mr. have an electric chemistry that many would cut off an arm to experience.
But I can't help but note how critical he remains of who you are... of where you are in life... as if he should be the master of your thoughts, flaws, proclivities, thought processes, and behavior.
Thankfully, the nature of love and learning means a happy ending can easily be around the corner for the two of you... no matter how it looks now. :-)
Post a Comment