There was anger, resentment, disrespect and mean-ness--I am owning this as my contributions to the mess. He was stoic, tired, pleading, tough, un-yielding. The towel was thrown down, we climbed out of the ring. We slept in different beds. We barely spoke to one another. We started to let go, walk away.
Somehow all that we have meant to each just couldn't be thrown away. Not without trying harder. We appealed to our shared heritage and legacy. We evoked the spirits of our dearly departed mothers. Why can't we get past this hurdle of miscommunication. He said: "do you really believe I would lead you into harm's way" I said: " I love you and trust you with the lives of my children" He said: "then you have to trust me with your heart as I am prepared to trust you with my heart and soul" We thrashed about some more. It seemed doomed. I was prepared for doom. I was so ready for the end that I think I was willing it. and that's when the light bulb moment happened!
I caught myself preparing for the worse, rather than preparing for the best. I was resigned to walk away instead of walking forward into his arms. This was me, quitting...like so many time before. For no good reason other than FEAR.
I have had wealth, awards, accolades upon accolades. I've made big money. I've dined in the fanciest of fancy restaurants. I drank champagne with some of the finest folks in the world. I've laughed and danced all over the world. I have fallen from on high, burned bridges, shamed folks, disappointed folks. I have nothing except the belief that I am worthy of lasting love. He see me. He seeS past the weight, the awards, the degrees, the shame, the past, the future. He is my right now. He speaks to me in words that only God has heard me utter. I love him because he is fine. He is honorable. He is frail and strong. He is wise and tortured. The world does not hold for him the same brightness as it does for me. He is not stimulated by the pretty things and pretty people. He grounds me. He is Wendy to my Peter Pan. For me, content of character weighs more than any degree than can be hung on the wall. Fidelity and faithfulness means more to me than running with my home girls (still looking for good men). Money and the ways in which we make it, is a tool, not a defining quality.
I am answering the often asked question: Who are you? What do you want? The answer is in living with and loving this man as well as I love my own life.
THANK YOU BIG MARK 243, MOANERPLICITY, RICH FITZGERALD, KAY C THE QUIET STORM. Your wise council/comments were some of the most moving I've ever gotten on this blog. I can't begin to tell you what reading your comments over and over did for my heart & soul.