Tuesday, June 1, 2010


It was tough. Rocky. Explosive. We straddled the weekend with the questions looming. It seemed like a losing fucking battle. I retreated, he retreated.  We declared love, we declared going our separate ways.

There was anger, resentment, disrespect and mean-ness--I am owning this as my contributions to the mess.  He was stoic, tired, pleading, tough, un-yielding.  The towel was thrown down, we climbed out of the ring. We slept in different beds. We barely spoke to one another. We started to let go, walk away.

Somehow all that we have meant to each just couldn't be thrown away.  Not without trying harder.  We appealed to our shared heritage and legacy.  We evoked the spirits of our dearly departed mothers. Why can't we get past this hurdle of miscommunication. He said: "do you really believe I would lead you into harm's way" I said: " I love you and trust you with the lives of my children" He said: "then you have to trust me with your heart as I am prepared to trust you with my heart and soul"  We thrashed about some more.  It seemed doomed.  I was prepared for doom.  I was so ready for the end that I think I was willing it.  and that's when the light bulb moment happened!

I caught myself preparing for the worse, rather than preparing for the best.  I was resigned to walk away instead of walking forward into his arms.  This was me, quitting...like so many time before.  For no good reason other than FEAR.

I have had wealth, awards, accolades upon accolades. I've made big money.  I've dined in the fanciest of fancy restaurants.  I drank champagne with some of the finest folks in the world.  I've laughed and danced all over the world.  I have fallen from on high, burned bridges, shamed folks, disappointed folks.  I have nothing except the belief that I am worthy of lasting love. He see me.  He seeS past the weight, the awards, the degrees, the shame, the past, the future.  He is my right now.  He speaks to me in words that only God has heard me utter.  I love him because he is fine.  He is honorable.  He is frail and strong.  He is wise and tortured. The world does not hold for him the same brightness as it does for me.  He is not stimulated by the pretty things and pretty people.  He grounds me.  He is Wendy to my Peter Pan. For me, content of character weighs more than any degree than can be hung on the wall.  Fidelity and faithfulness means more to me than running with my home girls (still looking for good men).  Money and the ways in which we make it, is a tool, not a defining quality.

I am answering the often asked question: Who are you? What do you want?  The answer is in living with and loving this man as well as I love my own life.

THANK YOU BIG MARK 243, MOANERPLICITY, RICH FITZGERALD, KAY C THE QUIET STORM. Your wise council/comments were some of the most moving I've ever gotten on this blog.  I can't begin to tell you what reading your comments over and over did for my heart & soul.


Big Mark 243 said...

You know, you have a wonderful voice!! I always listen to it when I come to you space and wonder what kind of woman is the source of such a wonderful sound.

All I know is that I am rooting for you both. Your guest is right about joy... being committed to feeling the way that you want and making it a behaviour.

Take your 'right now' and push it into the next 'right now' until it becomes a habit. Good luck sugar, and make sure that you tell yourself the story about what next and fill it with expectations.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Dearest Sis,
If I can return half the wisdom you have left in my comments I will be doing you a great service. Your light bulb moment was huge.

You know the quote- watch your thoughts, they become words, watch your words they become actions, watch your actions they become habit.

We get so caught up in waiting on the other shoe to drop and bracing for the worst that we forget to enjoy the here and now. Enjoy each moment and day as it comes.

You are a remarkable woman. He knows this and you know it as well. Keep those good thoughts. I am also cheering for you - for happiness, peace of mind, and a joy like no other.

PS - I installed french doors on my wall...it made more sense for me to come out when I am ready. He loved the idea ;-)

Rich Fitzgerald said...

I'm just sitting back smiling at the beauty of it all.

Embrace life, Ms. Voice of Love.

Her Side said...

dayum dayum dayum. I am just joining this conversation, and I am virtually speechless about the parallels in my own life.

His Side spoke of committment this weekend - and how I am ready to run for the door when things go slightly askew.

I see that I make his faults excuses to turn away from him. But he has never come short in the love department. I know for sure that man would jump in front of a train for me and my sons.

While he's speaking committment to me, you're here typing your committment journey for us to read. I don't believe much in coincidence.

I am so thankful for you. You and your honey are gonna make it!

Moanerplicity said...

First, my Sista of The Pen, you're very welcome. You and your situation have been on my mind.

The final result: This is so beyond merely cool! Methinks, when all was said and done, Love (not luv, not lust, not love-me-baby-long-time, but Real Love) won out in the end. And that's as it should be. Everything else is either comes out in the rinse or loses the weight it once carried.

Loving that you BOTH realized the Gift you possess to have not only found one another, but having reached that most desired plateau of Understanding each other.

And as that old 70s R & B song once asked:

"Ain't Understanding Mellow?"




Luv said...

well i am going to read and post backwards because i am behind but this post is right on time..

it hit home.. not because i am loving someone ...well i am, myself.. and even that is hard to do because i don't want to let me down..

but this post evoked tears and well i need a moment to figure out why..

as always forward movement... Greatness awaits us