I am asking the question: what does it take to be in love? To be committed to someone? I find myself grasping to define this for myself. I want to be in love and I want to be committed, but...and there is a but, at what cost? There is a giving up of something...bad habits, routines, excuses. There is much to be gained when love is right, at its best.
Maybe the question ought to be what am I willing to do? What am I willing to become for love? I am finding that when you bring your whole self to someone you have to be willing to be open to their whole self coming to you and sometimes, a lot of times, they have a different world view of this very loveship that you both are in. Oh boy. It's hard if you are willing to delve further into growing and blending. What makes it hard is the changing that happens from within. It is hard to be naked in the company of someone else. If you see all your flaws they see them too. And sometimes the flaws seem so big and nasty that you want to turn away so therefore you say to yourself, that other person who says they love you would find the flaws equally repulsive. This is how we talk ourselves out of love. This is how we build walls around ourselves. We listen to what we think is some bizarre truth when really its our fears.
So I am partially naked. I am in love, but not in the motion of loving. I am not fully invested in the work. Not that I can't do the work. I am afraid. It is amazing how fear of pain will stop you. I am talking mental, emotional pain. The pain that comes when you open yourself up to someone and they take residence in your heart and then decide they no longer want to dwell there. I know this pain. I can't go back. But at the same time you have to press on and open your heart otherwise your just dead and unfulfilled and lonely. To me that's worse than any pain experienced. So I am standing here partially naked. Should I strip bare? Or get dressed? Always asking the questions: "Who am I and what do I want?
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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5 comments:
It ain't easy, but you just have to press on and pray. Nice post. How are you sis?
Methinks you're definitely asking the RIGHT questions. And because love means a myriad of things to many different people, and because love is up to us to recognize, & define & acknowledge, to make & to shape into something precious that we can claim ownership of within our own hearts, I believe that true answer lies within YOU, my Sista!
Snatch JOY!
One.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=24894977&page=3#atoolb
Maybe there is some advice in there that would help you out. I thought there was some very good points made and the truth is, it takes a combination of a lot of things.
as the consensus seems to say, there are many questions...endless questions, and non of them with definitive answers (wouldn't that make all this round and round so easy??)
it's hard to not be selfish when trying to come from a place of self. it's late and i'm loopie, so i'll try my best to 'splain lucy...
we as beings.women.men. have to define so much for OURSELVES - career, life plan, family, LOVEships - based on who we are in this moment, our life's experiences to date, i could go on (as you know), and we don't really know the HOW of it. how to get form point A to point B.
it should start from a place of self. yes, self. and there is a little bit of selfishness in this, in that you must do your very best to know yourself in a very basic, instinctual way that so many of us women just plain don't. we don't trust ourselves and it gets 'noisy', bunch of folks in our ears. you get what i'm saying, right. trusting yourself, getting to truly know yourself in the most basic way, is in sense...selfish. but in a great way.
so coming from a place of self, while not being selfish when figuring out a loveship during critical times, is critical. turst yourself. BE OPEN. no tantrums. no attitudes because it's not how you want it to sound, smell, taste, look like. TRUST that its good. check your 'self'.
sorry if i've babbled on and am incoherent, please feel free to delete, lol! oh, and i tend to start many of my blog posts as comments here on your and a few others blogs - what's up with that?!? STAY STRONG WARRIOR QUEEN
ang/ptb
xoxo
wow..you just clarified something for me..or is it simplified...
the question peeps ask me that i really cannot verbalize why i can't be totally open with the therapist and there you have it..because to be totally open would require me to be stripped bare and not just a striptease and he might be as digusted by my gut as i am/used to be..
i don't want him to see me as i see myself cuz then my lil bit of hope would be shattered..
thank you for this
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