I am asking the question: what does it take to be in love? To be committed to someone? I find myself grasping to define this for myself. I want to be in love and I want to be committed, but...and there is a but, at what cost? There is a giving up of something...bad habits, routines, excuses. There is much to be gained when love is right, at its best.
Maybe the question ought to be what am I willing to do? What am I willing to become for love? I am finding that when you bring your whole self to someone you have to be willing to be open to their whole self coming to you and sometimes, a lot of times, they have a different world view of this very loveship that you both are in. Oh boy. It's hard if you are willing to delve further into growing and blending. What makes it hard is the changing that happens from within. It is hard to be naked in the company of someone else. If you see all your flaws they see them too. And sometimes the flaws seem so big and nasty that you want to turn away so therefore you say to yourself, that other person who says they love you would find the flaws equally repulsive. This is how we talk ourselves out of love. This is how we build walls around ourselves. We listen to what we think is some bizarre truth when really its our fears.
So I am partially naked. I am in love, but not in the motion of loving. I am not fully invested in the work. Not that I can't do the work. I am afraid. It is amazing how fear of pain will stop you. I am talking mental, emotional pain. The pain that comes when you open yourself up to someone and they take residence in your heart and then decide they no longer want to dwell there. I know this pain. I can't go back. But at the same time you have to press on and open your heart otherwise your just dead and unfulfilled and lonely. To me that's worse than any pain experienced. So I am standing here partially naked. Should I strip bare? Or get dressed? Always asking the questions: "Who am I and what do I want?